PDA

View Full Version : Levi M. Strider (IgnusBurns) Vs. The Testers (WolfesRage)



IgnusBurns
09-13-2016, 08:05 PM
Yo! People of Stickpage and more specifically the wRHG community! This is the day for a scene of carnage! Of battle, of merciless intent and fury! I had a good time writing this story and I hope you guys will enjoy reading mine and Wolfes'.

Anyway, please vote, CnC fairly, not mercilessly, and enjoy!

Mine:

Levi had always liked weapons. Who didn’t? Pacifists? Levi had another word for them, losers. Who didn’t like a good looking knife or a shotgun? The only time he didn’t was when he was on the shooting or pointy side. Hah! Ironic, considering he had people on the end of his almost every gosh darn day…

But… Only time he didn’t was when he was at the Merc’s house; Where he sat in his room eating potato chips, doing work outs, or keeping his throwing skills up, didn’t wanna lose the power in his throw, did he?

Either that or sit out in the living room and watch TV with Kiro and Catena. He didn’t mind the two of them, in fact, he rather liked them. He’d come to appreciate their presence in the house more than ever, as he’d lost his family a long time before he came to the past.
He liked other people, and having seen the devastation caused by the Precursors, it only spurred his love of those around him…

But he digressed, his meta-mission weren’t his plans at the moment. He had others, one of them went by the name of Riley.

Levi liked Riley, what a shocker right? He couldn’t help but like the people he met and didn’t have to kill! He usually did.
Being a Bounty Hunter/Assassin meant having barely any people close to you, hard for a guy like Levi, who loved social interaction.

He’d headed out of the Merc’s house at around nine, wearing his leather jacket, a blue t-shirt depicting a lady-bug cat, and some worn jeans with small holes here and there, along with his favorite sneakers. His kunai were strapped to his belt loop, as usual, he never left without them...
Summer was quickly turning into Fall, but the weather still remained quite warm most of the time. This day was brisk, if not a bit cold, so the leather jacket kept Levi warm.
It was one of those days, y’know? Where the sun shone brightly but the air remained crisp? Yeah, one of those.

Where was he headed at that moment? A café downtown, where he planned to meet his buddy Riley, a CIA operative, and continue his story to him. He’d finished the third part when they had finished their lunch, so his friend had proposed meeting for some coffee and Levi could continue.

As he approached his destination, Levi looked at the address his acquaintance had given him, as well as what time to be there, then up at the one occupied table.
He was not expecting a wannabe monk looking kid to be sitting in Riley’s spot.
At first Levi looked around, searching for his friend, but finding no signs of him, the Merc sighed and sat across from the kid. A cup of coffee sat in front of him while the Riley replacement sipped his.

He was about as tall as Levi since his growth spurt, maybe six one? And his body was pretty lithe, unlike Levi, who was more lanky than he was muscular. His getup was pretty simple, a black long sleeve t-shirt underneath a white hoodie and grey jeans. Sneakers adorned his feet and leather fighting gloves covered his hands.

Levi instinctively put a hand on his kunai. Who wore fighting gloves around like they were a part of their getup? The Merc didn’t like it…

The kid’s hair was long, and Levi meant it. Even his own hair, which nearly reached his chin, didn’t compare to this guy’s. It was white, which kind of threw Levi for a loop, as white hair and a kid don’t go together, and reached to his waist. Yeah, no kidding. It was also braided, with a red ribbon tied into the mass of white.

Levi pushed up his glasses and put his left elbow on the table, resting his chin in his hand.
“Sooooo… May I ask who you are?” He questioned, a small amount of curiosity leaking through his voice.

The kid looked up, opening his eyes as he did, seemingly looking Levi over as well. His eyes being an azure like blue.
He spoke slowly, quietly even, like he had to keep the conversation secret. His voice seemed more stuttery than unconfident.
“Oh, sorry Mr. Strider, your friend isn’t coming.”

“Let me guess, you killed him?” Levi replied, raising an eyebrow.

His “guest” looked offended, “No, no! I simply asked if I could take his spot in this meeting! He said he’d had something come up the previous night, so he pointed me in the direction of the café, and here I am.” The monk gestured around him to the empty tables.

“I think Riley would know better than to leave me alone with a kid who looks to be in his mid-sixties…”

The guest looked across at him, a tad annoyed, “It’s the hair isn’t it? First off, the name’s Zander, and second off, your friend, Riley, must know you can handle yourself if he left me to meeting you.”

“What’d he tell you about me?” Levi asked, lifting his hand off the knives and onto the table.

“Nothing actually, just that you were very skilled in your work.” Zander replied.

“Which is?” He questioned, his brow furrowing.

“Bounty Hunting. But other than that, nothing else.” The kid replied, putting his lips to the coffee cup and taking a sip.
Levi sighed again, picking up his own coffee and drinking it. But finding it lukewarm, he leaned back in his chair and tossed it into the nearest garbage.
“So what do you want Zander?” Levi asked, having not questioned the monk’s being there.

“What do you mean?”

“Why would you go out of your way to find an insignificant speck like me in this giant city? What’s the catch? I doubt you just wanted to have a friendly chat.”

Zander nodded, clearly content with the question, “I’m here to test you Levi.”
Just then he noticed something about his guest’s voice he hadn’t before. It seemed like two voices layered over one another. The one under Zander’s was clear, but very subtle.

Ignoring it for now, Levi lowered his voice. “Oh yeah? Why do you wanna do that?”

Zander nodded once again, “I have what you say, odd abilities. I can sense another’s strength through their spirit. I call it Gage, and I search for these people in hope of finding strong opponents.”

“Sounds like a friend of mine.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Nothing, just a thought I had. Anyway, how’d you find me, specifically?” Levi asked.

“Your aura seems to have been flaring in the past few weeks. Something we notice.”

“We?” The Merc responded, raising an eyebrow

“You’ll see soon enough. In fact, I feel we should get started…”

“Fair enough.”

With this said, Zander gulped down the last bit of his coffee, then threw the cup at Levi, who ducked his head to the left, the container soaring behind him. It shattered on the concrete with a small crash, and the Monk thrust his fist out, striking at Levi’s face.

The Merc batted his hand away, dissipating in his seat and appearing a few feet into the street.

Zander stood from his seat, eyes wide as he looked at his opponent. “Now I’ve seen everything.”

“What? Never seen a metahuman? Seems odd considering you’re one too.”

Zander closed his eyes, shook his head, then looked back up at Levi, smiling. “This oughta be fun then…”
Just like that, the features on the Monk’s face seemed to peel away like a mask. His left eye disappeared, leaving an ugly sunken hole, and his right became a violent shade of red.
Burns enveloped the left side of his face, but left his eye socket, ear, and neck untouched. Small red, freckle like things were dotted across the bridge of his nose.

With a sudden twitch, Zander rushed forward to meet Levi, ducking under his first punch and delivering a swift uppercut to his jaw.

Levi staggered backwards, the swiftness of the blow having thrown him off balance. Seeing his opponent rushing him again, he let his instincts take over as Zander advanced with a kick, countering with his own, deflecting the attack off his chin.
The opponent’s leg dropped to the ground, and continued with his fists, Levi countering every strike with only an inch of breathing room.

Zander didn’t let up, that was for sure.

Eventually the Monk threw a bit too much force into a punch, and as Levi deflected it of his forearm, Zander staggered forward.
Taking the opportunity, Levi leapt towards him, his knee outstretched. Landing the blow, Zander spat up flem as he hit, and the Merc grabbed the back of his sweatshirt with both hands and threw him back towards the coffee shop.

Zander skidded along the ground, crashing under a few tables until he slid to a stop a few feet from the door. Getting up unsteadily, the store owner rushed outside, yelling at Zander in what sounded like French.

The Monk seemed to growl, and struck the man in the face, sending him flying down the sidewalk. Even Levi didn’t expect that, and he widened his eyes as Zander turned to face him again.

The Bounty Hunter raised an eyebrow as Zander’s eyes had seemingly turned to silver, and a soft rattling sound could be heard.

He spoke, his voice now gruff, more rough around the edges. Levi narrowed his eyes at the reptilian-like pair staring back at him.
“You just made a huge mistake kid… You’re messing with Zephyr now…”

Levi unhooked his two kunai, and his opponent, Zephyr now, pulled two small blades from behind his back, seemingly from under his sweatshirt. They were about as long as Levi’s own blades, but with a flick, they extended into five more blades, revealing them as steel fans…

This time, Levi rushed forward, throwing his left knife at Zephyr, who deflected it off his fans, the steel turning black for a second before returning to normal.
Looking out from under his fans, Levi greeted him with a slash to the cheek. Extending his hand, his other kunai, having been knocked away, flew back to his hand.

Zephyr roared in fury, blood trickling down his cheek, the wound already seeming to heal.
The Monk rushed forward, much faster than before.
Levi, sensing that Zephyr was a lot than faster he was, initiated Brain Storm and immediately felt a type of power surge through his body.

The Demon (Levi guessed) advanced with lightning speed, slashing up with his blades. Levi fell backwards, the fan catching his forehead. Blood spurted from the wound as the Merc went into a windmill, spinning rapidly as he kicked his legs out to trip up Zephyr.

His opponent leapt over his kicks, bringing his fan down to stab the Levi.
To dodge it, he put his hands to the ground, using the momentum from his spin to put himself up into a sort of spinning handstand. The fan missed by a hair, stabbing the concrete where Levi’s head had been a half-second before, and Levi stuck his feet out as Zephyr stood, kicking him multiple times over in the chest and face.

After a few blows, the Demon growled and caught Levi’s left foot and hurled him through the air into the side of the shop. The brick wall fell apart around him, and Levi ripped his arms free of the material, growling himself.

Zephyr sheathed his fans, cracked his neck, and leapt from the ground up at him. Levi jumped as well, throwing both weapons at the opponent. Zephyr dodged to the left, avoiding the right kunai, but in turn allowing the other to embed itself in his shoulder. He cried out in pain and hesitated in air, letting Levi muster a smokey right and left arm.

Lifting all four of his arms, smoke and real, Levi clasped one in the other and slammed them into Zephyr’s skull, sending him flying into the concrete below. A giant cloud of debris and dust shooting up from the ground.

The Mercenary landed softly on the ground, the Brain Storm starting to wear off.
Levi shook his head, a migraine seeming to creep into his brain.
Extending his hand, a kunai flew to his hand, but Levi looked at it in shock. He had called for the other one too, where was it?

He looked towards the hole first, and the next thing he knew, he was on the ground, Zephyr savagely stabbing him with his own knife.
The pain didn’t register for a few seconds, but once it did, Levi noticed how much blood there was.
It was in a pool around them. Actually, if the Demon really wanted to, he could abandon the knife and drown him in it. It was that high.

The pain was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. His chest and entire neck felt like they were on fire, but were doused in sticky sewage water at the same time, that was probably his blood.

Zephyr’s eyes were practically glowing, and Levi would die if he didn’t do something quick.
Activating Brain Storm again, the headache instantly subsided and strength surged back through his veins. The pain faded a little, but the searing sensation didn’t.

The Demon raised the knife again, but Levi reached up and stopped the blade mid-thrust. Making Zephyr blanch in shock. “WHAT!?!”

“That Knife is MINE!!!”

The Hunter reached his other hand up and gripped Zephyr’s face, pushing with all his might.
The force, driven by Levi’s adrenaline, rage, and Brain Storm, sent the Demon flying up into the air. Leaving the Kunai buried in the Mercenary’s sternum.

Ripping the blade out, along with another spurt of blood, Levi struggled to stand as he looked down at his chest. What was once his t-shirt was now a gaping hole of blood and skin. Zephyr hadn’t ripped his chest open, mind you, but the damage was widespread and pretty bad.

Roaring in pain, he looked up to see the Demon hit the ground hard… Again…

Producing an almost screech from deep within his screech, something clicked in Levi’s brain as Zephyr got up from the ground, his eyes retaining their glow.

They stood silently, Zephyr covered in debris and dust, and Levi drenched in blood and his chest torn to shreds, the wounds just starting to heal. Smoke was beginning to pour off his body, and Levi got the feeling he hadn’t even intended to have that happen.

With a primal scream, the Mercenary dissipated into smoke, reappearing behind the Demon and striking his spine with a swift chop.
Zephyr retaliated, spinning in a small circle, swinging an arm behind him, but Levi dissipated once again, reappearing in front of him and connecting his elbow to Zephyr’s jaw.

Levi dissipated, then reformed faster than anyone could have tracked, throwing blows that would shatter rocks if he pleased as he initiated his newest technique, Shadow Rush…

Zephyr tried to counter each attack, but every blow seemed to cripple him even more, and he slowly began to slouch to the ground, eventually resting his knees on the concrete. Levi took the opportunity and leaped into the air, bringing clenched fists crashing onto the back of his head.

The Demon was smashed into the ground, and he didn’t move again.
At first, Levi felt good about it, but he instantly calmed and bent down to check, he hoped, Zander’s pulse.

Finding a faint, but acknowledgable heartbeat, Levi stood and panted heavily, his adrenaline and Brain Storm fading, letting them be rapidly replaced by pain and fatigue…

*****
Lugging himself up to the door, Levi knocked slow and loud.
Catena’s voice called from behind the door, “Who is it?”

“It’s me Catena! Levi!” He called back, leaning against the door post.

The door opened rather slowly, but once Catena saw the condition he was in, she swung the door open blisteringly fast and caught him as he fell forward. “Whoa, kid! What’d you do to yourself?! Kiro! I need some help!”

The leader of the Mercs came rushing from his room, wearing his headphones around his neck along with some jeans and a t-shirt. “Oh God, that’s a lot of blood.” He said, his voice distant, almost echoing in Levi’s ears.

“I… Got in a fi… A fight… I won…” Levi replied, allowing them to take him to his bed.

They set him down gently, which he appreciated, as well as stripped his jacket from his frame.
Catena wrestled his shirt off and checked his wounds, but she simply whistled, “Dang kid, I underestimated your healing factor. That amount of blood would have called for your chest being ripped open, but it’s already scarring over.”

Kiro sighed, “I’m just glad he’s okay. You give ‘em what for Levi?”

The Merc turned on his side, his scar covered back to his teammates. “Mmhmm…” He replied, drifting to sleep...


Wolfes'

The large wooden doors were pried open with a long and loud creak, letting in rain, sounds of thunder, and a young man drenched by the storm outside. He was heavily clothed with barely a strip of skin visible, his hood pulled down low over his head. He headed toward the large table in the center of the room, sitting down. He crossed his arms and rested his chin on his upper arm.
The room he was in had marble tiles and high brick walls. There was little to no light in the area due to the lack of windows. It was large with large glittering chandeliers hanging from the ceiling high above. A row of mirrors at one end of the room stretched from floor to roof. The oak table Zander sat at was long and grand, with intricate carvings at every edge of it and matching chairs with cushioned seats. Although there was no form of air conditioning, the room stayed cool and comfortable. Everything had a grayish tint to it, like someone had thrown powdered cement over every object in sight and painted the whole room grey as well.
Zander had found this abandoned looking castle, hidden away behind mountains, trees and a wall that circled the grounds of the castle. It seemed as if he were in some Disney movie where he would find a damsel in distress in this structure overgrown with weeds. But after weeks of his stay, there was still no sign of life. Not even the rustling of leaves. It was eerily quiet but Zander wanted, needed, that silence. Thankfully, Zephyr hadn’t been as talkative as before and Zander could have long periods of peace and quiet without any annoying comments.
Offerings worthy of their choosing was scarce and Zephyr was starting to hunger for blood. Zander gripped a bladed fan between his fingers and dragged it gently across his skin. Bloody lines trailed behind each blade. Before he knew it, Zander was cutting deeper and faster, furious for a reason he himself did not know. Blood splattered on the wooden table and the marble tiles. Finally, the fan clattered to the floor and Zephyr gently took control, healing up the damage done. Zander, breathing heavily, fell asleep.

A thud at the table made Zander jerk awake. The chair he was sitting on tipped, and he fell heavily onto the floor. His hand searched for his weapon, finding it behind him where he had dropped it that night. He twisted around to look at the intruder.
The most noticeable about the trespasser was the vicious looking scar slanting across his right cheek. Bright blue eyes behind a set of rather awkward looking glasses. The man wore a long sleeved, blue shirt and a pair of loose cargo pants held up by a belt with an odd Japanese looking dagger hooked to it. Freckles scattered across his nose along with blonde hair that looked like he had just woken up, but made him pretty good looking.

“Hey kid. The name’s Levi. Whatcha doing here?” The man grinned and held out his hand. Zander was too shocked to move, simply glancing down at the outstretched hand, up to Levi, and then down again.

“I’m Z-Zander… You… H-How’d you g-g-get in?” Zander stuttered, slowly reaching out to grab onto the hand. Levi pulled him to his feet and shook it. It felt less a social courtesy than an arm-wrestling match.

“Oh I was just, y’know wandering around and I found this place! Looks quite cool. Like in the movies.” Levi smiled, waving his hand and gesturing to the walls surrounding them.

“He is quite the hippy one. I bet he’s some reporter. Let me take a good look at him Zandy.” Zephyr murmured in Zander’s head. Zander let go of the reigns and the room filled with a odd coloured glow emanating from Levi himself. It seemed to flicker and glitch all over the place and Zephyr had to blink several times to let his eyes focus to the sudden brightness the place had taken on.

“Fascinating. His aura is nothing like we’ve ever seen before. I wonder where he’s from. Such power. He’s practically flooding with it.” Zephyr chuckled out loud.
“Zephyr does like a challenge. And you are one big surprise. Quite a pleasant one in fact. Perfect timing for Zephyr’s offering.”

“Zephyr? Who’s Zephyr?” Levi blinked in confusion, staring at him.

The air shimmered and a thin black string started to form, almost like a stream trickling into existence. It grew longer and longer, more strands loosely weaving in and out of the one already floating in the air, invisible and untouchable to anyone but Zephyr. It moved as if possessed, moving of its own accord before Zephyr tamed it with his mind, guiding it until it touched the tip of Levi’s aura. The line binded itself into the strands of the glowing circle, before the string tightened in a puff of smoke, finalizing the Gage. Levi tensed visibly, glancing around him.

“Zander. Are you okay? You look a little pale. This room feels very constricting doesn’t it?” Levi tilted his head, blinking several times.

Zephyr smiled and let Zander take control again. He dropped the glamour, revealing scarred flesh and a single silver and red eye. An instant after the switch, Zander flipped the fan in his hand, extending it to its full size and slashing at Levi. A loud clang sounded in the air as Levi blocked the blow with the blade, that once was strapped to his belt, now in his hand. It was as though he had dropped a welder’s mask over his face, his transformation was that sudden. Levi’s expression was closed, unrevealing. The smile he had faded away, turning serious. He recovered himself so rapidly and so well, that Zander almost lost his grip in surprise. An explosion of smoke and Zander was thrown backward, slamming onto the table. He rolled and stood in a defensive pose, raising a fan above his head, and another in front of him.

“A glamour? How smart of you.” Levi muttered.

He jumped high, swiping his leg mid air. Zander ducked and attempted to grab Levi’s leg. Moving with speed faster than humanly possible, Levi twisted around, his legs wrapping around Zander’s neck. He let his weight and gravity take over, pulling them both down back onto the floor. Zander kicked wildly before finally wrenching away from the choking grip Levi had on him. Zephyr shoved into control, spinning and nicking his opponent’s side. Levi gasped and he pulled back. The demon, encouraged by the first spill of blood, surged forward. Smoke curled up from the time hunter’s arms, building up before it solidified. The blades aimed at Levi’s arm, scratched the now solid surface of the smoke shield, not even close to touching the tip of his skin.

“An odd ability you have there. Smoke? Pick a better skill if you want to beat Zephyr.” Zeph tilted his head and laughed, his braid swinging with each wild movement he made.

“You’re quite different from the man I was fighting earlier.” Levi noted. The shield broke apart into shards and rotated in the air before bombarding Zephyr with pieces of solid smoke. Each shard hit it’s mark and turned into small explosions but did little damage that Zephyr’s enhanced healing had no problem dealing with.

“Too easy for Zephyr. I expected more of you.” Zephyr gave a wide predatory grin. With a sudden burst of speed, he caught Levi off guard, repeatedly striking him. Levi moved again, fast enough that he got out of range of Zephyr.

“He’s very fast. You need to be careful.” Zander advised.

“I got him. He’s too easy.” Zephyr said confidently.

Levi rolled his neck and flung a blade at the demon. Easily dodging it, Zephyr sliced at Levi, using his other fan to block another blow. Zephyr pushed down with his fans, trying to override Levi who used a second kunai to hold off his opponent. Blood stained the floor and Zeph howled in pain as the tip of his ear was severed. Levi caught his other dagger which had returned midflight. Smoke twirled from the blade’s handle. Levi retaliated, dancing and dodging each attack. He jabbed at Zephyr before pulling back and repeating again. A low growl sounded at the back of Zephyr’s throat and, ignoring Levi’s onslaught, threw himself at the man. Using the butt of the fan, he slammed it hard at Levi’s head. Levi crumbled, falling to the floor. Zephyr was about to slash at him when he disappeared.
One second he was there, then he was gone. Smoke exploded, slamming into Zephyr’s back. Zephyr jolted in surprise, turning to find Levi. The time hunter stood behind the table, opposite him, smiling widely.
“You’re bloody fast for a boy. You’re going to regret doing that!” Zephyr roared, spinning the fans in his hands.
“Calm down Zeph and let me fight him. You’re getting clumsy.” Zander murmured.
“No. He has to pay for that. He’s a -”
“Relax. I’ll take care of it.” Zander said firmly.
Zephyr stayed silent for a moment before reluctantly letting Zander take control. He relaxed his stance and shoulders. He crouched, raising his weapons so that the tip of one dagger, touched the tip of the other. Zander flicked his wrists, extending them into fans. He vaulted over the table, using the edge to somersault and bring a leg down on Levi’s head. Levi used his hand to block the blow. Zander landed, hunching over. He swiped low with his fan, nicking the edge of Levi’s pants, ripping the seam to shreds. Levi retreated, trying to dodge each attack. Zander aimed higher, following after Levi. Levi was backed into a corner, his hand feeling the smooth surface of a mirror.
He had a sudden thought and he grinned. Zander threw his arm out to slice Levi. Levi build up a temporary smoky armour before he slammed his elbow into the mirror which shattered, blowing outward. The smoky shield saved him from the eruption, avoiding any possibly life threatening injuries from the force of the blow. Zander was not as lucky. Although he raised his fans to block the barrage of glass, several shards embedding themselves into his legs, and scratching his cheeks. He gritted his teeth, wincing, trying not to show his pain. Levi didn't hesitate, swiping his feet low in a circle, knocking Zander off his feet. Levi threw his kunai which caught the edge of Zander’s sleeve, trapping him to the ground. Levi slammed his other kunai into Zander's arm when he attempted to hold Levi off.
Switching with Zander, Zephyr tore away. He shuddered, his healing abilities trying and failing to close the wounds. Levi slashed several times, and Zephyr was forced to go into a defensive stance. Levi didn’t let up, his onslaught only getting faster and stronger.
Suddenly, Levi stumbled backwards, the strain on his mind and body too much. Zephyr saw his chance. Spinning his fans, Zephyr ignored the pain in his legs and attacked. He moved with speed, ducking under Levi’s arm. Red spilled on the floor. Levi coughed, blood leaking from his lips and his abdomen. Zephyr pulled the blade from Levi’s stomach, renewed energy flowing through his veins.Levi sank to the floor, clutching his stomach. He moved to finish Levi off, making sure that Levi would not be able to disappear again by putting a foot on Levi’s chest.
“Enough.” Zander said. “We have offering we need. There's no need to end it.”
“ Just this time Zander. We’re killing the next one”
Zephyr pursed his lips and returned the fans back to their places with inordinate care. “We’ll be leaving now.” Zephyr called over his shoulder, leaving the man groaning on the floor.

Several hours later, a young man with blonde hair, stumbled out of the building, his clothes stained with blood. His wounds had fully healed and aside from the aching in his body, he was perfectly fine. He shook his head, just glad he was still alive.

Crank
09-15-2016, 08:14 PM
Everyonequicklookathisbeforethebattleroyalegoesup


Pretty solid fight! I think you had a lot of good movement and reaction to the strikes, but I think a few more up close shots could do you some good. There were some times where characters were growling or smirking, and that's really what I'm getting it. Just little stuff so there aren't long gaps where characters are drones.

Before that though, your beginning threw me off a little. Admittedly, apparently I'm a story behind, but public combat at least seems to be much more relaxed in your cannon. Well maybe not relaxed, but acceptable, I suppose? I don't know, the lead in felt bizarre. To sorta show what I'm getting at, Levi is meeting Riley for coffee, but he's not there so he talks to Zander (bite me spell check, my cousin's kid has that name, it's a word) instead. That's a fine concept, but it's the thoughts that led up to it that threw me.

Let's say I have a catch up day planned with one of my bros. There's a cafe Tim likes in Ypsilanti, so he gives me its address and time, but when I get there, he's not. At this point, I'd assume it's more of a traffic issue. Let's say I wait though, and he's still a no show and I can't get a hold of him. Zander's in fighter gloves, so lets say the only person in the cafe is in a suit and shades, who looks like he's expecting someone. I'm prolly not going to go up to him, but I do anyway for some reason. He still hasn't noticed me yet, and at this point, I see a gun in his holster. Screw it though, I make myself known, and after finally looking up to notice me, he tells me that he and my main man had a chat with him and he's here instead? And also instead of story time, he's going to shoot at me and see how this goes.

See? Just kinda feels off. Even if you aren't like your character, you can still kinda go down and see what you'd do in their shoes.

Lastly, naming attacks are fine in my book, but if you're going to use them, a recap would be nice. For example, if you aren't familiar with Saul's Gentleman, seeing him use Umbra to block a barrage of bullets could give you any number of visuals. Personally, I like the rapier one, where he's just tinging them away like a coked up fencer, but for accuracy's sake, stating that it's a mythril umbrella does a lot of good. Similarly, Brain Storm is a catchy name, but it doesn't say what it does. If you explained in its first appearance, it would've saved a lot of confusion.

Again though, great job!



Hey! First fight, how ya feel?

Alright, so right off the bat, from a visual standpoint, double spacing between paragraphs is kinda the standard here. Its not like we're going to mark points off or have that weigh into the vote, but it just looks prettier when it's spaced out.

And speaking of pretty! When you're setting a scene or describing someone, if you can tie everything together, it flows a bit better than a list. Like, to me, the list would be like if you were checking out a girl's chest, got caught, panicked and started frantically looking at her eyes, hair and then any makeup to try to dig your way out. For the most part though, that's now how we notice things. Like, how her cobalt dress makes her blue eyes pop, and as her ruby red lips spread to giggle, strands of her long, brown hair get displaced from behind her ear to over her face, which she has to brush back, giving you the glimpse of a ring on her finger.

The room he was in had marble tiles and high brick walls. There was little to no light in the area due to the lack of windows. It was large with large glittering chandeliers hanging from the ceiling high above. A row of mirrors at one end of the room stretched from floor to roof. The oak table Zander sat at was long and grand, with intricate carvings at every edge of it and matching chairs with cushioned seats. Although there was no form of air conditioning, the room stayed cool and comfortable. Everything had a grayish tint to it, like someone had thrown powdered cement over every object in sight and painted the whole room grey as well.

As the storm raged outside, the indoors almost felt more akin to a clear, starry night, at least in appearance. Even without the thick clouds, the tall brick walls would've locked the light out simply by lacking the widows to let the rays in, but as his eyes continued to scale, they saw the grand chandeliers to be the masters of the dim illumination, sparkling especially well against the mirror on the far wall, making the room indefinitely wider. Frowning at the reflection, it suddenly became apparent just how monochromatic the room was. It was like someone had thrown powdered cement over every object in sight and painted the whole room grey as well. Rubbing his finger along the oak table, he leaned back in his cushioned chair as he felt its intricate carvings. At least something in here felt alive.

In fairness, I did miss the tiles, but just another example of doing things.

I really enjoyed your combat, you showed a lot of both characters, but as a minor note, might want to watch out for abusing the names. I get that they're both 'he's so it can be tricky in that regard, but things like intruder, demon, host, time traveler or any other defined identifier would balance it out a lot. Just makes it sound repetitive, even when you have good choreography.

Suddenly, Levi stumbled backwards, the strain on his mind and body too much. Zephyr saw his chance. Spinning his fans, Zephyr ignored the pain in his legs and attacked. He moved with speed, ducking under Levi’s arm. Red spilled on the floor. Levi coughed, blood leaking from his lips and his abdomen. Zephyr pulled the blade from Levi’s stomach, renewed energy flowing through his veins.Levi sank to the floor, clutching his stomach. He moved to finish Levi off, making sure that Levi would not be able to disappear again by putting a foot on Levi’s chest.

Suddenly, Levi stumbled backwards, the strain on his mind and body too much. Zephyr saw his chance. Spinning his fans, the demon ignored the pain in his legs and attacked. He moved with speed, ducking under his enemy’s arm. Red spilled on the floor. The time hunter coughed, blood leaking from his lips and his abdomen. The dark force pulled the blade from the good man’s stomach, renewed energy flowing through his veins. The wielder of kunais sank to the floor, clutching his stomach. The entity moved to finish the mortal off, making sure that the bounty hunter would not be able to disappear again by putting a foot on his chest.

Lastly, and I think this is a bit of a personal pet peeve, but it irks me a little when a story doesn't seem to progress a character. This is actually true for both of you, but it ends on the note of everything's okay, nothing to worry about, and both parties go their separate ways. I mean, it's not bad, but nothing's really gained from this. Zander seemed cool with fighting Levi for no reason. Alright, the demon needs blood to stay tethered and maybe Zander's used to it by now, but unlike the demo, he cuts the kill from happening, and Zephyr just takes it. If nothing else, I would've liked to see what led to that decision.

All in all though, very nice first fight!


Well done you guys!

If either of you are female, I apologize. Michigan slang.

WolfesRage
09-16-2016, 05:05 AM
Hey! First fight, how ya feel? Feeling a bit nervous but excited. Think I could've done better with this one but I'm good.



Alright, so right off the bat, from a visual standpoint, double spacing between paragraphs is kinda the standard here. Its not like we're going to mark points off or have that weigh into the vote, but it just looks prettier when it's spaced out. Prob because when you type it on your phone it looks fine. I'll take note thanks!


And speaking of pretty! When you're setting a scene or describing someone, if you can tie everything together, it flows a bit better than a list. Like, to me, the list would be like if you were checking out a girl's chest, got caught, panicked and started frantically looking at her eyes, hair and then any makeup to try to dig your way out. For the most part though, that's now how we notice things. Like, how her cobalt dress makes her blue eyes pop, and as her ruby red lips spread to giggle, strands of her long, brown hair get displaced from behind her ear to over her face, which she has to brush back, giving you the glimpse of a ring on her finger.
Cute example. Good to know. Definitely a bit harder for me in this area but I'll try better next time.



I really enjoyed your combat, you showed a lot of both characters, but as a minor note, might want to watch out for abusing the names. I get that they're both 'he's so it can be tricky in that regard, but things like intruder, demon, host, time traveler or any other defined identifier would balance it out a lot. Just makes it sound repetitive, even when you have good choreography.
Okay. Cool. Hard to keep track of everything heh.


Lastly, and I think this is a bit of a personal pet peeve, but it irks me a little when a story doesn't seem to progress a character. This is actually true for both of you, but it ends on the note of everything's okay, nothing to worry about, and both parties go their separate ways. I mean, it's not bad, but nothing's really gained from this. Zander seemed cool with fighting Levi for no reason. Alright, the demon needs blood to stay tethered and maybe Zander's used to it by now, but unlike the demo, he cuts the kill from happening, and Zephyr just takes it. If nothing else, I would've liked to see what led to that decision.
Valid enough. I myself didn't really like the ending, but wasn't sure on how I should have ended it. I'll take that into consideration in the future.


All in all though, very nice first fight! Thanks


As the storm raged outside, the indoors almost felt more akin to a clear, starry night, at least in appearance. Even without the thick clouds, the tall brick walls would've locked the light out simply by lacking the widows to let the rays in, but as his eyes continued to scale, they saw the grand chandeliers to be the masters of the dim illumination, sparkling especially well against the mirror on the far wall, making the room indefinitely wider. Frowning at the reflection, it suddenly became apparent just how monochromatic the room was. It was like someone had thrown powdered cement over every object in sight and painted the whole room grey as well. Rubbing his finger along the oak table, he leaned back in his cushioned chair as he felt its intricate carvings. At least something in here felt alive.


Suddenly, Levi stumbled backwards, the strain on his mind and body too much. Zephyr saw his chance. Spinning his fans, the demon ignored the pain in his legs and attacked. He moved with speed, ducking under his enemy’s arm. Red spilled on the floor. The time hunter coughed, blood leaking from his lips and his abdomen. The dark force pulled the blade from the good man’s stomach, renewed energy flowing through his veins. The wielder of kunais sank to the floor, clutching his stomach. The entity moved to finish the mortal off, making sure that the bounty hunter would not be able to disappear again by putting a foot on his chest.

When you make it look so nice and easy. Haha. But thanks a lot :D


Well done you guys!

If either of you are female, I apologize. Michigan slang. I'm female but that's fine

Whoo. First battle is over now just gotta wait for those votes to come out. Thanks for the CnC - really helpful.

IgnusBurns
09-16-2016, 03:45 PM
Everyonequicklookathisbeforethebattleroyalegoesup


Pretty solid fight! I think you had a lot of good movement and reaction to the strikes, but I think a few more up close shots could do you some good. There were some times where characters were growling or smirking, and that's really what I'm getting it. Just little stuff so there aren't long gaps where characters are drones.

Before that though, your beginning threw me off a little. Admittedly, apparently I'm a story behind, but public combat at least seems to be much more relaxed in your cannon. Well maybe not relaxed, but acceptable, I suppose? I don't know, the lead in felt bizarre. To sorta show what I'm getting at, Levi is meeting Riley for coffee, but he's not there so he talks to Zander (bite me spell check, my cousin's kid has that name, it's a word) instead. That's a fine concept, but it's the thoughts that led up to it that threw me.

Let's say I have a catch up day planned with one of my bros. There's a cafe Tim likes in Ypsilanti, so he gives me its address and time, but when I get there, he's not. At this point, I'd assume it's more of a traffic issue. Let's say I wait though, and he's still a no show and I can't get a hold of him. Zander's in fighter gloves, so lets say the only person in the cafe is in a suit and shades, who looks like he's expecting someone. I'm prolly not going to go up to him, but I do anyway for some reason. He still hasn't noticed me yet, and at this point, I see a gun in his holster. Screw it though, I make myself known, and after finally looking up to notice me, he tells me that he and my main man had a chat with him and he's here instead? And also instead of story time, he's going to shoot at me and see how this goes.

See? Just kinda feels off. Even if you aren't like your character, you can still kinda go down and see what you'd do in their shoes.

Lastly, naming attacks are fine in my book, but if you're going to use them, a recap would be nice. For example, if you aren't familiar with Saul's Gentleman, seeing him use Umbra to block a barrage of bullets could give you any number of visuals. Personally, I like the rapier one, where he's just tinging them away like a coked up fencer, but for accuracy's sake, stating that it's a mythril umbrella does a lot of good. Similarly, Brain Storm is a catchy name, but it doesn't say what it does. If you explained in its first appearance, it would've saved a lot of confusion.

Again though, great job!



Hey, thanks for the CnC man! I appreciate it. Yeah, you're right, recapping your abilities and what not would be useful in a story like mine, which requires a lot of knowing the canon to understand. But anyway, thanks again! :)

★来ҜгιzαlιĐ来★
10-01-2016, 02:33 PM
Hey, thanks for the CnC man! I appreciate it. Yeah, you're right, recapping your abilities and what not would be useful in a story like mine, which requires a lot of knowing the canon to understand. But anyway, thanks again! :)

Dude, I love your character. Unfortunate you lost, but still, great job ^.^

IgnusBurns
10-03-2016, 12:09 AM
Dude, I love your character. Unfortunate you lost, but still, great job ^.^

Why thank you! You can find the rest of his battles in his character page. Located at the bottom of my sig. :)

Alphaeus
10-03-2016, 06:03 PM
Why thank you! You can find the rest of his battles in his character page. Located at the bottom of my sig. :)

That sounds like the tagline at the end of a kids show: "That's all for today, but tune in next week or go to XYZ.com to have more epic adventures!!"

Just saying. :P