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View Full Version : Winston(Kamiroo Wolf) vs. Ethernu(Sharpiro)



Kamiroo Wolf
11-01-2016, 05:21 PM
Another day, another battle.

Today we've got the master of restricted summoning, Winston
(http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?99546-Winston)
Versus

The indomitable master of the versatile morph blade, Ethernu (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?99588-wRHG-Ethernu)!

Please take the time to read each story and vote fairly, and may the best man win.


Pax Gaia: a sect of travelers, rogues, vassals, and nomads who believe that we as humans should pursue all-encompassing peace on earth instead of exploiting and declaring war on one another; a noble belief and a just cause, but one almost impossibly ambitious. Their members, designating themselves as operatives identified by titles, such as “Bloodhound” or “Titan of Petals”, travel about the world doing their part to make living a better experience. Some do it indiscriminately, making changes for all and handing out second chances for the corrupt to repent of their sins, while others prefer to rid the planet of scum, seeking out and executing any and all who plague the populace with their existence alone.


The “Bloodhound” herself, Bridget Greene, took to this form of universal cleansing after she was adopted into the clan of humanitarians, following the trail of a corrupt politician and the serpents he was connected to. On the trail, she was knocked out and kidnapped by the revolutionary organization known as Sanctuary, where she most recently was forced to fight one of their members for unknown reasons. Though she fought valiantly, the rogue archer of ethereal arrows was ultimately overpowered and defeated at the hands of Winston Kitt, a discount artist who summons and manipulates stick figures to fight on his behalf. At the very summit of what was an assured victory, Winston conjured a creature unlike any of the other she had dispatched prior, it’s winged structure and dominion over flame proving far too much for the resilient fighter to handle in her diminished state.
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*** “Should have opted for the chip in my neck, damnit…” The incapacitated archer winces, rising up from her position on the hospital style bed as the bandages underneath her robe stretch to the contortions of her body. In her hand lies a phone, capable of recording sound, snapping pictures, and capturing video, even at high quality, but otherwise useless as the dead zone she has found herself in strips her of any chance at calling for backup.


*** “Not like I exactly know where I’m at, anyway…” She sighs, shutting the phone and adjusting her robe before lying back down beneath the white, flannel sheets. Just as she gets settled, however, a knock from the other side of her infirmary room door sends her into a miniature panic attack, her heart leaping from her chest as she assumes the appearance of being unperturbed by the sudden infiltration.


*** “Glad to see you’re still kicking after that mess. Can we talk?” Poking his head through the entrance, as though physically repelled by Bridget’s cautious glare, is the very artist that put her in her current situation. Once more assuming a sitting up position on the bed, the young woman simply narrows her already daggered, sky blue eyes, which to most would suggest she’s not accepting visitors. Winston, however, pretends not to notice, remaining awkwardly in the doorway not staring directly at her, but in the general direction as he ruthlessly awaits confirmation. Eventually she caves, suggesting that the summoner leave the door open behind him as he stiffly strolls into the room, arms almost forced to sway at his sides as he pulls a chair from the back wall and takes a seat in the square, temporary living space. Expecting the exchange to be long and drawn out, Bridget lets loose a short burst of breath, reaching to her side and retrieving a miniature remote before pointing it toward a relatively massive television and dialing the noise down drastically. The reporter on the screen, now reduced to mere mumbles and murmurs, carries on with her analysis of the RHG system as the archer once more directs her attention toward Winston.


*** “If you’re here to give me some sort of rehearsed apology, I’d like to you to make it quick. *I’m not exactly busy lying here and waiting to be taken back to my cell, I just don’t like you.” She states bluntly, letting the remote rest on her lap as she crosses her arms. Winston raises one of his eyebrows and takes in a deep breath, allowing his body to loosen up before getting to point of his visit.


*** “Guess it’s safe to assume you’re fine then? Wonderful news, but the only reason I’m here is to ask you a few questions you may or may not have been asked already: Who are you? What are you doing here? What does that symbol on your armor mean? Who are you with? Stuff like that.” Limiting himself to very basic questions, Winston leans forward in his chair with hands clasped together almost as though praying.

***
*** “Who am I? You got my file didn’t you? That little paper with all my information on it, as though somebody’s been watching my every move since I first joined Gaia? Just like I told your handler, refer to that if you’re looking to interrogate someone.” Winston’s expression sinks as she answers, two of his fingers rising from his knees to clamp the bridge of his nose as he groans.


*** “While I understand your reasons for being difficult, I’m really not into the idea of having to play bad cop. I want to help you, Bridget- even if it means breaking you out of here, but you’ve got to fill me in on the essentials. The only things I know about this situation are your name, that you’re a good person at heart, and that you’re being held prisoner for reasons I have yet to understand.”

***
*** The incapacitated archer’s expression softens, the tight fold of her arms loosening as there’s a shift beneath the bed sheets. She sits up, calling out to her visitor and staring him dead in the steel-grey eyes with what little stubbornness she has left before requesting that he shut the infirmary door. Winston complies, rising from his seat and asking for confirmation before bringing his open palm to the brass knob and quietly pulling the room meeting into seclusion.

*** “You’re a pawn, you know that right?” Bridget challenges as Winston once more reclaims his seat.

***
*** “I am aware… and working on it. What makes you so sure you aren’t just another piece in the puzzle yourself?” The artist answers, straightening the yellow and black jacket warming his person.


*** “We’re all pieces on the battlefield in one way or another. I’m willing to risk you being on the other side if it means getting out of here.”


*** “Anyone ever tell you that you’re too trusting?”


*** “My mentor, on multiple occasions. I believe in second chances… for the most part.”


*** “That the reason you’re even tolerating me right now?”


*** “That, my instincts, and the teachings I’ve received. When you aren’t standing behind a gang of drawings, you’re a noticeably much different person. Your eyes are fragile, though feign resilience, your body language is noticeably more reserved, and the way you speak is very rarely in commands, but rather requests and suggestions. You sympathize with the common man and believe there is value in all life. A follower, based on what I’ve heard and seen, and a pretty blind one at that. You’re an enigma, sure, but one I find hard to identify as a sincere threat. ” Head tilted slightly to the side, Bridget reads from Winston as though he were an exposed pair of pages. The artist cannot help but crack a half-grin at the accuracy, his eyes falling to the white tile beneath his feet as the desire for knowledge hits him once more.
*** “And here I thought I was supposed to be the one gathering information.” The summoner reflects, wiping his mug with his hand and stroking his chin stubble before sitting up in his chair with raised eyebrows prior to resting his arms on the cushioned sides. “How about this: I’ll tell you everything you want to know about me if you promise to return the favor. Deal?” Sticking out his hand, Winston is forced to wait a moment, Bridget simply shifting her focus between the offer and his metallic eyes.


*** “Anyone ever tell you you’re too trusting, Mr. Kitt?” The blonde reaches and takes his hand, shaking it once before returning to her position and retrieving the remote resting on her legs. She turns the television up slightly, news of another gladiatorial scuffle come and gone enveloping the dustless room.


*** “Winston’s fine, and no, nobody has.”
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***
*** “Get the information you were looking for, Mr. Kitt?” Sanctuary’s designated scientist and well-established madman, Gus, approaches the artist just as he exits the infirmary, a beige file held tightly in his hazmat suited grip.

***
*** “More or less. You make it sound like I’m some sort of spy.”


*** “More or less, huh? Well, I’d love to try to delve into her mental state myself, but Sencarn won’t let ol’ Needles anywhere near that precious skin of hers. Damn shame, too. I’m starting to think I’m not trusted around here.” The serial killer painfully jokes, a surely disappointed face hidden behind the massive gas mask and helmet atop his head.


*** “Don’t let it get you down, bud. So what’s up, Gus? Did you need me for something?” Giving the murderer a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, Winston attempts to change the subject, finally pointing out the dossier in the suited man’s grip.


*** “Oh, this? A gift from the boss himself as compensation for the little spar you did. From what I could decipher, it’s a lead pertaining to the whereabouts of your father. Suggests a location and a person within the city worth investigating.” Examining the constantly shifting, wide-eyed expression of the artist, Gus nearly breaks into a broad smile beneath his visage.


*** Winston requests to see the file, cracking it open immediately the moment it hits his hands. Set up just like a character profile, Winston examines the lines at a speed almost demonically fast, pushing past an unsuspecting Gus before taking off down the otherwise uninhabited corridor.
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*** “Hmm, yes, indeed I do recall someone who fits that description. Dark-skinned fellow, almost repulsively thin, horribly scarred. Somewhat resembling you, now that I picture him.” The tan-capped shopkeep adjusts his crimson scarf before removing the pristinely-symboled hat atop his head, the brown hair underneath leaking from beneath as he does so. Strapped to his back, glistening in the radiant overhead lights, is a blade of foreign, possibly extraordinary material. Of course, this wasn’t the artist’s first time laying eyes on the green and blue-eyed swordman, as the merchant was also an up-and-coming gladiator by the title of Ethernu.


*** Winston, practically bloodthirsty for knowledge at this point, continues to press the Treasure Trove owner as the stick figures accompanying him browse the wide selection of trinkets, weaponry and other forms of ancient artifacts. The cobalt blue stick figure, created for the spar against Bridget Greene, scours the walls for a new axe, making sure to touch everything at least once as he goes along. Meanwhile a black stick figure, created to defeat Zackeroar in a wrestling match, goes over a countertop littered with supposedly enchanted talismans, not daring to lay a finger on them for the fear of attracting a curse of some kind. Every now and again they address one another in their unintelligible dialect, only to once more resume their quest for a fantastical souvenir from the gladiator’s shop.


*** “Did you talk to him at all? Any information as to what he’s been doing, what he is doing, what his plans are?” Winston’s hand scribbles down Ethernu’s every response in a flurry of writing only the writer could consider legible, the obvious excitement emanating from his person threatening to burst with each collected bit of information.


*** “Thankfully. He was very busy but managed to make time for a traveller curious about his work. He was working under a sect of humanitarians known as Pax Gaia, keeping the peace among various African territories using his superhuman abilities. When I asked him of his next move he froze for a moment. After a while he claimed he would be in the savannahs still hard at work, but said he might take the time to visit other countries. If you’re looking for him, you might want to hurry there before he moves again.”


*** Winston’s pencil nearly flies off the page of his notebook as images of Bridget flashing into his mind at the mention of Pax Gaia, the very same organization she identified with when questioned not too long ago. Coming to the conclusion that he’d gathered all the information he needed, Winston decided to have a chat with the only person he knew that could get him instantaneously to the destination in question.


*** “You don’t know how much this means to, Ethernu. If there’s anything I can do for you, just ask.” Winston reaches out to thank the gladiator, only to be met with a sharp glare as the casually dressed shopkeep nods to the stick figures behind Winston.

*** One, sensing the wrapping-up of conversation, stand obediently by Treasure Trove’s front entrace, arms crossed at its pitch-black chest and eyes straight ahead. The other, doing his best to maintain a poor, blue poker face, wipes what one can only assume to be a sweat forehead. Strapped to his back, a double-headed axe beams, giving away any shred of innocence the stick might have had as Ethernu rises from a leaning position against one of his many trinket-littered tabletops.


*** “If you truly wish to be indebted to me, Winston, you could start by having your associate there return the weapon he so clearly plans to steal from me.” Crossing his own arms, Ethernu stares down the stick with multi-colored daggers, the swindler only able to shut his eyes and raise his nose high to the ceiling.

***
*** “Why, I’m insulted! Just where do ya get off callin’ me, of all people, a thief?! I may lie, cheat, and crack jokes about piss and shit, but to think I’d go so far as to pilfer one of your petty trinkets, because I’m blue, is just plain ignorant of ya! ” Doing a terrible job of defending himself in a language the gladiator cannot even understand, the cobalt blue stick figure adjusts the axe at his back, attempting to hide the blades and shaft behind his rotund head and narrow body.


*** “Enough, Blue. It’s obvious to everyone here you won’t be leaving with that weapon. Just put it back where you found it or face the consequences.” Winston turns to face the creature with an impatient tone, the stick’s shoulders slumping slightly as he searches every corner of his mind for a solution.


*** “Alright, alright, ya caught me. Swordsman, I was plannin’ on havin’ this thing here looked at when I got home. Think you could give me a bit of history on it before I go?” Removing the weapon from its hiding place behind his person, the azurite stick presents the blade, but does not immediately offer it back to Ethernu. The shopkeep begins to reach for his weapon, only to immediately be interrupted by a forgetful Winston who translates his companion’s curiosity.


*** “They say a man’s officiousness has many a time led him to, or at the very least, too close to his grave. My apologies for taking your concern as a challenge, Mr. Blue- I’d be happy to paint the tale of that fine weapon you hold in your hands. It all started, an extremely large number of centuries ago, with a band of warriors long forgotten in the wake of time’s many tests-” Just as the forgiving storyteller begins his epic, the cobalt stick charges through the front door, shoving his darker coloured brethren to the ground as he takes off down the crowded streets.

***
*** “Damnit! Bull, get up, we’re going after him!” Winston rushes after the fleeing thief, kneeling down to aid his fallen ally before turning to face the blank-faced victim of the robbery.
“Ethernu, we’ll be right back with your-”

***
*** “Nonsense. Simply watch the shop until I return.”


*** Before the creator can even give chase after his rogue artwork, the shopkeeper is out the door, his zippered sweater and white t-shirt beneath billowing in the wind as he follows the trail of confused cityfolk. Excited murmurs and the distant sounds of swears and screams tell the vagrant all he needs to know, his hand flying to blade on his back before commanding the weapon to mold to his desires.


*** “Just where have you gone?” Utilizing his grappling hook, Ethernu takes to the rooftops, his body soaring through the air with a rough jerk. Covering more ground than the fleeing criminal can hope to gain, he leaps from building to building whilst scanning the streets below for signs of the runner.


*** On the ground, Winston’s creation forces his way past men, women, and children alike, shoving anyone weak enough to be thrown to the ground into concrete and asphalt alike as he blazes through one of Stickpage City’s numerous shopping districts. Arms flying at his sides, the stick pivots into a nearby alleyway, only to be thrown into a miniature heart attack when a flurry of tranquilizer darts hit ground just beside his feet. Gripped by a sudden shortness of breath, the stick rushes down the slender path, picking up speed and leaping onto a conveniently half-shut dumpster before vaulting over a chain-link fence. *** ***


*** Just as he clears it, however, Ethernu drops to the ground before him, the quarterstaff wrapped in his grip splitting the ground upon landing and sending the stick figure onto his back out of pure astonishment. Unwilling to surrender, however, the creation rises to regain a fighting chance. Whirling and swinging the massive axe in his hands with him, the stick practically leaps back up to his feet, the wind chaser evading the whirlwind attack with a quick weave backward before catching the drawing’s follow up kick with the side of his staff.


*** “Hmph. I expected a bit more.” The warrior chuckles underneath his now quickening breath, bringing his staff around his back prior to whipping around and striking the stick’s ankles with the metal tip. The cobalt stick’s leg jolts upward, his balanced reduced to one leg just long enough for Ethernu’s staff to take the shape of a massive hammer. With one, ferocious upward strike, the morph blade wielder sends the blue stick figure flying back over the chain link fence, his sapphire body splashing in what he can only assume is a puddle of piss.


*** “Well ain’t that just peachy…” Gurgling through a dangerous amount of ink blood, artificial being stares up at the clouds skittering ever so gently across the heavens. He raises one of hands meekly, his eyes narrowing slightly so his palm and digits blend in with Earth’s atmosphere as the fence he just flew over clinks and clangs.

***
*** “Your life is sacred, Blue. Don’t threaten your existence by putting yourself in situations that can only end poorly.” Interrupting his near-death daydream, Ethernu leans down and obscures the stick’s vision. “Keep the weapon, but it is not to be used to spill the blood of those that oppose you. Use it to protect, change, and heal. This is your chance to star-”


*** “Fuck off, will ya?” The thief groans, tilting his head to the side and allowing the blood to drip from his mouth before allowing his eyes to fall shut. Sighing, the weapon master allows his hammer to turn back into its most basic sword form before rising to his feet and making his way back to Treasure Trove.
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*** “He managed to get away, huh? Well, I can’t promise you’ll get your axe back, then, but I can promise he will be dealt with if we ever happen to cross paths. Sorry again for all the trouble, Ethernu, and thanks for the information once more.” Winston shakes the gladiator’s hand before finally departing, the black stick figure at his side nodding as though to show respect as he follows in his master’s footsteps.

***
*** “Winston. What do you imagine it will be like when you meet your father after all these years?”


*** “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, Bull. First, we’ve got a war to wage.”


*** “War? What do you mean war?”


*** “I’ll brief you and the others when we get back. For now, all I need for you to do is make sure we aren’t being tracked in any sort of way.”


*** “I will do as I am capable.”

*** “Much appreciated, Bull."


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Moonlight polished the streets. Streetlamps painted certain portions of road in pale gold. In the shadows, there was a small glint of blue. Blink once, and you would miss it. Leaning against a building, arms crossed was a man with lakes of darkness on his face. He wore a tan cap with a golden symbol on it. He wore a blue hoodie, zipper open to reveal a plain white shirt. His more interesting feature are his eyes, HIs left is a green that matches a sparkling emerald while the other is blue as sapphire. He stood there, silently enjoying the comfort of the shadows.

“Target acquired. That was hard, now for the easy part…” The voice came from a 5 foot 11 inch black male named Winston. He didn’t wear anything particularly interesting. Winston never really cared about fashion, as long as he was wearing something, he was ok with it. Winston took out a notebook from his backpack and ripped up 5 pages. He was now accompanied by 5 stick figures that he drew in preparation to the assassination. “Ok, I want this to be a quick and easy kill. Don’t turn this into a brawl, got it?” The stick figures nodded, and each readied their pre-selected weapons. “And one more thing, don’t say anything, not even a whisper.” They nodded again, only this time, one of them did not pay attention.

As they approached Ethernu, a stick figure whispered idiotically to his companions, “Heh, this is going to be easy…” To the stick figure’s amazement, his companions stared at him with their fingers over their mouths, signaling him to be quiet. However, it was too late. Ethernu heard the stick figure and his hand instinctively dropped down to his hips where a thin cylindrical object waited to be gripped. His eyes scanned the general vicinity until he spotted the team of stick figures with 2 battle axes, a sword, a lance, and dual daggers. He eyed them from the corner of his eye so it wouldn’t be so obvious. HIs instincts told him to strike now, while the tactical part of his mind told him to wait for the perfect timing. Ethernu listened to the tactical part and began devising a strategy to take down the party without any fatalities.

“Time is running out Ethernu, what will you do?” The stick figures inched ever more closely with each tick of a clock.

"The lancer is going to be trouble if I don't take him out first." Ethernu responded, seemingly talking to nobody but himself.

"Hurry up Ethernu...time and death does not wait for anyone..."

"Shut up! I'm thinking..."

"They're getting closer, Ethernu..."

In the blink of an eye, Ethernu unsheathed the morph blade and morphed it into his trusty tranquilizer gun. Before any of the stick figures could react to his sudden movements. The lancer collapsed on the floor with a dart on his right arm. Ethernu charged at the stick figures as they charged at him, unfazed by the loss of one of their party members. Morphing back to it’s original form, it met solid wood for a millisecond before obliterating whatever hopes and dreams that axe handle had. Then, the hilt of morph blade met the head of the axe man knocking him out senseless. The other axe man tried to take advantage of Ethernu’s occupied state but soon met the same fate as the first axe man. The swordsman readied his blade, he smiled. “I’m not going to fall for that trick like those two buffoons did earlier.” Ethernu shot at tranquilizer dart at him, only to have the dart intercepted by the stick figure’s blade. The stick smirked, “Surprised aren't you?”

“These guys aren't as stupid as I thought. They haven’t seen this trick yet...”

Ethernu attacked and the stick parried, their blades interlocked one another. The rouge seeing this rushed forward to aid his companion. Their eyes stared at each other, until Ethernu’s veered off to the left and saw the approaching enemy. “I think I saw Leelee do this once, hopefully I’m also capable of doing it too. Otherwise I’m one dead gladiator...”

Ethernu jumped up with both feet and instead of landing on the ground, both feet landed a kick the the swordsman’s chest. It didn’t work the way Ethernu wanted: with him still standing and his opponent on the ground; however, he still got his opponent on the ground and that was all the mattered. He morphed the blade into the tranquilizer gun again and within seconds, both of his foes were lying on the ground, disabled.

Ethernu got up with an aching behind. “I hope I didn’t break my tailbone… I really hope I did not break it.”

While Ethernu was recovering from his minor injury. Winston started walking towards him away from a broken fire hydrant. He had witnessed everything, Ethernu’s weapon and the failed attempt to kill him. While his stick figures fought Ethernu, He started to work on his back-up plan in case the assault fail, which of course did.

“Impressive, very impressive so you took down my stick figures huh?”

“They were yours? What do you want with me?”

“Oh nothing really, I really hoped you weren't as good as fighting as your RHG profile but, it seems you live up to your skills.” he said as he smirked at the grim gladiator.

“Anyways it seems that boss won’t let you go that easily, I could always contain you but where’s the fun in that?”

He then ripped out a page out of his note book and ripped it into sherds. Giving birth to a large blue stick figure with a zweihander (Zweihander is german for “two handed sword.” The swords are usually 5.9 ft but unlike a normal sword, is is carried on the shoulder like a halberd or any other pole-arm).

“This guy means business, I need to find a way to keep both of them occupied without dying…”

“Can I offer some help?” said the part of his mind that’s based on instinct.

“Your help is not needed, your plans almost never work…”

“Aww come on buddy, can’t you just trust me just this once?.”

If his instinct had a physical form, Ethernu imagined that it would be smirking at him. Ethernu considered his options before finally making up his mind.

“I don’t have much choice do I?”

“That’s the spirit, now let me take over…”

“You remember the drill, correct?

“Ya, blablabla if you die then I die too, NOW WILL YOU HURRY UP AND LET ME TAKE OVER ALREADY?”

“Ok but remember, we both only have once chance at life, there is no save point or reset button to go to.”

“Ok I got it…”

Ethernu felt lighter, he felt relieved but also terrified at what his instincts might decide to do. He literally had no control over his actions any more, all he could do was hope for the best and watch the fight. Ethernu rushed at the towering figure with his morph blade held with both hand. The stick figure did not say anything. Instead she smiled as she watched her brave, yet weak opponent rush towards her. With a battle cry, Ethernu jumped at the stick figure ready to attack with a powerful downward strike. The stick figure swung his weapon at the small human but to his amazement. The human use the swing of her zweihander to propel himself into the air where morphed his blade into some sort of rifle and fired it in midair. The projectile was a small tranquilizer dart that found itself embedded into the shoulder of Winston. Winston lost his conscious and hit the asphalt floor of the road.

Angered that the human took our her creator, she swung her sword in an uppercut as an attempt to eliminate him. She felt something sharp grip onto her shoulder. She looked over to see a claw attached to her skin along with a chain reeling in Ethernu. Ethernu morphed the grapple gun into his flashbang launcher and fired a flash bang at her face. A burst of white light flashed illuminating the streets in pure light for a moment, blinding both adversaries. All she saw was the flash bang’s blinding light. Seconds later, her head banged against a hard surface causing an unbearable pain. The world went black for her

Ethernu regained his vision. He had single handedly and unrealistically won the fight without a scratch.
“Piece of cake…” Ethernu muttered to himself.

“Interesting, Mr. Ethernu can I ask you a question?”

Ethernu turned around and looked at Winston. He wanted to angry at the teen, but somewhere in his heart, he didn’t want to be.

“Sure..” Ethernu replied suspiciously

“Why don’t you kill?”

Ethernu glanced at Winston’s backpack and hand before he decided that Winston wasn’t going to pull any tricks off. He was a bit surprised by the teen’s sudden change of heart. As long as someone wasn't trying to kill him, he was fine with it. He finally responded the the question that he usually answered.

“All life in this world is precious. You only have one chance in this world to do something great, don’t waste it.”

Winston nodded, it had been a long time since he has met a merciful gladiator. He shivered at the memory of him intervening a battle between two other gladiators. While Winston was having his thought process, Ethernu used it as an opportunity to slip into the shadows and back to the only place on this planet he called home. Winston finally came back to the real world, the sun started to rise and his stick figures were starting to awaken from the sleep that Ethernu had forced onto them. That day Winston had lost a battle, but he left the battlefield with the phrase “You only have one chance in this world to do something great, don’t waste it.” in his memory. From that day on, he swore never to lose the chance of doing something great. As for Ethernu, he was happy that he got to live for another day.


:stickpage:

Kamiroo Wolf
11-01-2016, 05:54 PM
I'm not satisfied with it. In fact, to be brutally honest, I'm disappointed in the stories I've produced here lately. That said, I'm taking a bit of time to sit back and chill from wRHG battles to focus on some other projects that aren't an introduction, a battle, and a resolution. I just feel like I'm forcing along Winston's story as opposed to actually taking time with him and, on top of that, that I'm doing it sloppily. Needless to say, I'm still going to be around doing things with Sanctuary(as well as updating the main page on that and my character) and what not, but for the most part I'm gonna be a lurker more than anything.



Knew you could do it, bud! I know it was hard, but I'm still proud of and appreciate you for getting it done ^_^

As for the story, it's overall pretty solid. It may not be a long story(which, in itself, isn't necessarily a bad thing), but the battle was overall pretty enjoyable and I feel you represented your characters well! I don't like to call people out on spelling and grammatical errors(not sure if English is your first language or not), but for the most part you've pretty much got a good grasp on the do's and don'ts from what I can tell.

My only gripes would be your word choice at times and moments where you told vs. showed us events in the story(Mistakes I'm pretty sure I made quite often as well). For instance, whenever you want to describe an action or emotion, try to use words or even phrases that embody what such an action/emotion entails as opposed to solely the word that emotion/action is defined by.

I'm bad at criticism, but yeah. Good story overall, nice flow, and thumbs up on character depiction.

Sharpiro
11-01-2016, 07:11 PM
I'm not satisfied with it. In fact, to be brutally honest, I'm disappointed in the stories I've produced here lately. That said, I'm taking a bit of time to sit back and chill from wRHG battles to focus on some other projects that aren't an introduction, a battle, and a resolution. I just feel like I'm forcing along Winston's story as opposed to actually taking time with him and, on top of that, that I'm doing it sloppily. Needless to say, I'm still going to be around doing things with Sanctuary(as well as updating the main page on that and my character) and what not, but for the most part I'm gonna be a lurker more than anything.



Knew you could do it, bud! I know it was hard, but I'm still proud of and appreciate you for getting it done ^_^

As for the story, it's overall pretty solid. It may not be a long story(which, in itself, isn't necessarily a bad thing), but the battle was overall pretty enjoyable and I feel you represented your characters well! I don't like to call people out on spelling and grammatical errors(not sure if English is your first language or not), but for the most part you've pretty much got a good grasp on the do's and don'ts from what I can tell.

My only gripes would be your word choice at times and moments where you told vs. showed us events in the story(Mistakes I'm pretty sure I made quite often as well). For instance, whenever you want to describe an action or emotion, try to use words or even phrases that embody what such an action/emotion entails as opposed to solely the word that emotion/action is defined by.

I'm bad at criticism, but yeah. Good story overall, nice flow, and thumbs up on character depiction.


heh, thanks, I'll take that advice for the future. I think i made the ending really cheesy though -_- one slap to my face for that
you did preaty well yourself, though i suck at CnC

EDIT: I forgot to mention that I based my part of the fight on your clan's ACR. I hope your not mad about me reading all of the ACRs...

Urako
11-01-2016, 08:29 PM
Okay, I enjoyed your fights, but I am going to vote for Shapiro. It was pretty straightforward, juggled both character arcs fairly well, and it was kind of refreshing. Sorry Kaminaroo Wolf, but it does seem like your story was taken over. On the bright side, I hope you enjoy your break and i'll look forward to your fights when you get back into the swing of things. I really don't feel like offering much CnC and I didn't notice much else, so i'm just going to touch on my most basic gripes.


1# The intro sort of bogged me down. I know i'm being a huge hypocrite here with the fight I have planned so if you want to point it out when my story comes out, feel free. However, your introduction is larger than the fight or even the portion of the story where the two gladiators meet.

2# This is the gripe that cost you a point. I didn't really read it too thoroughly because the introduction bogged me down (sorry dude), but your fight is really Winston+Ethernu vs a random rogue stick man with an axe which was beaten by a tranq dart, getting tripped, and then two attacks from Ethernu.

Please don't get too upset about this. You are an excellent writer by all means and have introduced great new concepts to the forums. You're battles are usually great so don't be too hard on yourself. God knows I was.


1# I'm not going to pretend yours is perfect by any means. You did well, but I have found grammatical errors such as "he ripped it into sherds". Other than that, There's only one major problem I had.

2#

He then ripped out a page out of his note book and ripped it into sherds. Giving birth to a large blue stick figure with a zweihander (Zweihander is german for “two handed sword.” The swords are usually 5.9 ft but unlike a normal sword, is is carried on the shoulder like a halberd or any other pole-arm).

You stopped the fight half way through to explain to us what a Zweihander was. Next time, try to incorporate the weapon description into the flow of the battle like saying he created a blue stick figure that carried a 5.9ft two handed German sword called a Zweihander on his shoulders. I'm not sure how much better that is but at least you don't have to pause the fight.

Honestly though, you did really well. Good job!


All-in-all. Good job to both of you and good luck on your future endeavors.

Kamiroo Wolf
11-01-2016, 09:35 PM
Okay, I enjoyed your fights, but I am going to vote for Shapiro. It was pretty straightforward, juggled both character arcs fairly well, and it was kind of refreshing. Sorry Kaminaroo Wolf, but it does seem like your story was taken over. On the bright side, I hope you enjoy your break and i'll look forward to your fights when you get back into the swing of things. I really don't feel like offering much CnC and I didn't notice much else, so i'm just going to touch on my most basic gripes.


1# The intro sort of bogged me down. I know i'm being a huge hypocrite here with the fight I have planned so if you want to point it out when my story comes out, feel free. However, your introduction is larger than the fight or even the portion of the story where the two gladiators meet.

2# This is the gripe that cost you a point. I didn't really read it too thoroughly because the introduction bogged me down (sorry dude), but your fight is really Winston+Ethernu vs a random rogue stick man with an axe which was beaten by a tranq dart, getting tripped, and then two attacks from Ethernu.

Please don't get too upset about this. You are an excellent writer by all means and have introduced great new concepts to the forums. You're battles are usually great so don't be too hard on yourself. god knows I was.


1# I'm not going to pretend yours is perfect by any means. You did well, but I have found grammatical errors such as "he ripped it into sherds". Other than that, There's only one major problem I had.

2#
You stopped the fight half way through to explain to us what a Zweihander was. Next time, try to incorporate the weapon description into the flow of the battle like saying he created a blue stick figure that carried a 5.9ft two handed German sword called a Zweihander on his shoulders. I'm not sure how much better that is but at least you don't have to pause the fight.

Honestly though, you did really well. Good job!


All-in-all. Good job to both of you and good luck on your future endeavors.

Totally understandable ^_^ thanks for the words of encouragement and taking the time to give us feedback

Urako
11-01-2016, 09:38 PM
Totally understandable ^_^ thanks for the words of encouragement and taking the time to give us feedback

No problem. Anyways, I wish you both luck in the future:o

Vern
11-03-2016, 01:41 PM
Okay, time for some belated CnC. Meant to do this yesterday but my PC crashed and erased half my progress so I decided to call it a day.

Alright, without further ado let's get to it.

(WARNING; Big CnC's ahead. Enter at own risk!)



Pax Gaia: a sect of travelers, rogues, vassals, and nomads who believe that we as humans should pursue all-encompassing peace ... // ... the resilient fighter to handle in her diminished state.

I have a mixed opinion about this whole introduction. The good thing is that it gives us the information we need to understand the following interaction between Bridget and Winston if we haven't been keeping up with the storyline. Given the fact that we're all busy people and not everyone keeps up with what's posted in the clan-pages (goodness knows I don't), I'd say it's a wise decision considering your audience.

The problem at hand, however, is that it's just straight out no-excuse exposition. You'll see me remarking and praising your decisions concerning exposition more down the line so let me just make sure we're on the same page here; Exposition is the purely factual stating of facts or a series of events. It's not storytelling, it's summarizing or reporting and hence every writer trying to tell a story must consciously try to keep any exposition in their stories to an absolute minimum. I'm sure you're well acquainted with it, and that you're aware this whole section was introductory exposition. But, as I said, considering your audience it was probably the wiser move to make.

As for feedback to work on things like these in the future, perhaps just try to see if you can work all this information, or at least the info that matters, into the exchange somehow? Your readers are usually smart enough to figure some things out on their own, so let them ;)



*** “Should have opted for the chip in my neck, damnit…” The incapacitated archer winces..... // .....and gone enveloping the dustless room.


*** “Winston’s fine, and no, nobody has.”

Alright, first of all let me praise you for the way you portrayed the interaction between these characters. Bridget feels a bit forced, but aside of that both of them feel alive and distinct from one another, and it's never like they're just standing still and doing nothing. Their actions are well articulated and make the scene as a whole more lively, so, good job there Kamiroo!

That being said, it's time for me to move on to the big question here; Why is this in your story? It relates and interacts little to nowhere with the rest of your 'battle' (more on that later), and I feel as if you could have done it more justice by having posted it as a separate work of writing in your char page, clan page or just in the Olit section. This whole part is about the dialogue between these two people and has nothing to do with what follows it other than being mentioned in a single sentence said by Winston. I feel that if you had worked on this as its own story, instead of as a part of your battle, you'd have had more creative space to work with, and (possibly) more time.


“That, my instincts, and the teachings I’ve received. When you aren’t standing behind a gang of drawings, you’re a noticeably much different person. Your eyes are fragile, though feign resilience, your body language is noticeably more reserved, and the way you speak is very rarely in commands, but rather requests and suggestions. You sympathize with the common man and believe there is value in all life. A follower, based on what I’ve heard and seen, and a pretty blind one at that. You’re an enigma, sure, but one I find hard to identify as a sincere threat. ” Head tilted slightly to the side, Bridget reads from Winston as though he were an exposed pair of pages. The artist cannot help but crack a half-grin at the accuracy, his eyes falling to the white tile beneath his feet as the desire for knowledge hits him once more.

This is exposition-esque dialogue. Now, as I said I haven't been keeping up with clan stories due to simply not really having the time or wanting for it, but haven't these guys like only fought? It feels odd for Bridget to make this whole statement all of a sudden, and it feels more like you as the writer are trying to give us a heads-up as to Winston's current situation. Again, this could have just been me but I feel that perhaps you could have said what you wanted to say here with way less words.


*** “Get the information you were looking for, Mr. Kitt?” ....//.... pushing past an unsuspecting Gus before taking off down the otherwise uninhabited corridor.

This is where your actual 'battle' starts, with Winston getting his reasons to fight and a little more. You could have just as easily started off with this and the story would've still been the same :D.

I have no real remarks here. Once again, the characters are articulated and take actions, and the written pace is good. All in all, nicely written, so good work.



*** “Hmm, yes, indeed I do recall someone who fits that description. Dark-skinned fellow, almost repulsively thin, horribly scarred. ....//.... “Fuck off, will ya?” The thief groans, tilting his head to the side and allowing the blood to drip from his mouth before allowing his eyes to fall shut. Sighing, the weapon master allows his hammer to turn back into its most basic sword form before rising to his feet and making his way back to Treasure Trove.

So here we get to the brunt of the story. First, let me applaud you for your decisions concerning exposition in this part since I had the impression there was quasi none of it. We're introduced to Ethernu straight away without any doo-hicky or elaborate explaining, and the story just flows naturally from there without any information feeling forced in. The stick figures have some sass and we see stuff from previous stories that just add that little touch of confirmation that this is indeed still part of the same universe as the previous story.

Now, onto the critique. The problem with this whole section is that nothing much really happens. There's no battle between Winston and Ethernu (whose character portrayal I thought you did better than Sharpiro himself), only some sort of interaction between them and then a stick with what I imagine very basic intellect making a stupid decision and fighting Ethernu. The fight between them is fairly trivial which begs the question why it is even shown to us to begin with. On one hand it's the only bit of action in this whole piece, but on the other hand I figure that just skipping ahead to the part where Ethernu returns would have had the same effect to an extent. Then things sort of move on but the story just ends there. We get a clue as to what the next story will be about, but that's really all the importance this piece had in the bigger picture of it all. It's nice to see these interactions but they feel pointless if they don't lead up to anything we get to see in the story itself.

I think that's the big issue with this whole battle, and perhaps explains why there's no votes for your piece other than mine (which really surprises me to be honest). It's nicely written, you certainly put effort into it, but nothing really... happens. It all just goes along and amounts to nothing but the promise that something's gonna happen in the next story. It's kinda like that useless filler episode in a series that comes after we've seen the general premise of the show in the first few episodes and we like it but before the big mid-season twist that builds up to the shit hitting the fan in the finale (if any of that made any sense to you). You know, that episode where we see what happens but we sorta feel we could've just skipped it altogether if the next episode just briefly touched over what went down in this one.

Perhaps that's why you're not satisfied with it yourself? You have your story at hands but you're tired of the classical story formula. It's still a nice story but it's not a battle. Expectations, both from the readers and yourself, are usually a bit higher for these since they're honestly just higher-stake projects. Eh, on one hand I feel as if I shouldn't say we could've done without this whole story, since it's nice to just be able to sit back and see what happens and just soak it in, but that only leaves us satisfied if it builds up to something which we still get to see in the same piece, which I feel this story did not.

Despite that, however, you did a nice job on the writing, on character portrayal and disregarding your introduction and Bridget's little monologue I do think you did a nice job on foregoing exposition. So keep it up Kamiroo. I already see so much improvement and I do hope you're not getting demotivated because that'd be a shame.

But I already covered that in a PM. I'll just wait for your response to it when it comes, or when it doesn't, in which case I guess that's also fine...

First things first, I'm glad to see you're still battling. Most people just bail out before or after their first battle, but you're keeping it up so I expect to see more from you in the future ;). That being said, let's move on to the CNC.


Moonlight polished the streets. Streetlamps painted certain portions of road in pale gold. In the shadows, there was a small glint of blue ....//.... and began devising a strategy to take down the party without any fatalities.

Let me start off by saying that the motivation for this whole fight to begin with is rather... questionable. It hinges solely on the fact that Winston is doing an ACR with Ethernu as the target. The thing with the ACR is that Ethernu seems like a rather unlikely target to begin with. Furthermore, Winston's portrayal through the rest of the story seems rather shoddy and out-of-character:


“Target acquired. That was hard, now for the easy part…”

I don't know about you but to me Winston doesn't seem like the kind of person to be cocky about this and just dismiss his task as something casual. To me it seems more that Winston would do what's asked from him and nothing more, nothing less. Winston seems, to me, more like a person who would consider assassination a task of some gravity, and wouldn't dismiss taking out an opponent he knows is part of the RHG system as an easy target.


“Anyways it seems that boss won’t let you go that easily, I could always contain you but where’s the fun in that?”

Once again, this feels out of character for Winston. He isn't shown as one to take pleasure in killing throughout what I've read of Kamiroo's work so I'm fairly sure that if he had the choice of "containment" he would go with it, only going for the assassination if he sees no other alternative or is forced to do so.

I know you're still picking up writing but I'm pointing this out because it's very important: wRHG fights are NOT like their animated counterparts. It's not just about the action and the fight here, it's about story more than anything else. Any good battle also has a good reason to be fought. If your guy is just a nutjob who loves fighting you have your motivation right there, if Ethernu is the kind of guy who feels like a casual midnight homicide and Winston is the first person he encounters, you have your motivation for the battle right there. But if you're having Ethernu on the defending end you need good reason for Winston to be attacking him in the first place that still feels like it's Winston attacking you and not the kind of Winston who acts convenient to the plot.

As I said, Ethernu seems like an unlikely candidate for an ACR mission, and Winston isn't the kind of person to actively go out of his way to just fight people. He needs to either defend himself because he feels threatened, or have a good motivator to attack. As things stand he has neither, and the lack of good motivation for the fight taints your battle as a whole, and you get stuff that's completely out of character like;


“Anyways it seems that boss won’t let you go that easily, I could always contain you but where’s the fun in that?”

Next up on the chopping block:


As they approached Ethernu, a stick figure whispered idiotically to his companions, “Heh, this is going to be easy…” To the stick figure’s amazement, his companions stared at him with their fingers over their mouths, signaling him to be quiet. However, it was too late. Ethernu heard the stick figure....-

'Opponent's minions are a bunch of brainless buffoons that pose no actual threat and constantly fuck up'-cliché.

If your goal is to write either a satirical parody story, or a kid-friendly cartoon of the RHG then please be my guest and keep this up. You'd be doing a good job if you were, though I'm fairly certain you're writing this to a fairly serious degree. The thing where we see goons depicted as mindless buffoons has been outplayed so hard by modern media and at this point it's not even comical anymore. It feels like people are too lazy to actually put their characters in a situation where their enemies pose any sort of threat and they just show off their characters beating them up as if it's easier than getting out of your bed in the morning.

Right, I'm not gonna turn this in unrelenting punishment so lemme take a step back here and show that I'm not here just to yell at you. I can tell that you did make effort to at least make the sticks a bit more threatening down the line but I don't think it worked out for you the way you wanted it to. Ethernu is alerted by the stupidity of one of his adversaries, which unless their stupidity is one of their defining traits, can only serve as a plot device where the hero magically gets a lucky break in his favour. You did this again later down the line so I'll cover that in full once we get to it.

All the stick figures' efforts amount to is giving him a bit of a sore collar bone. Either go all in and admit that they're no match for Ethernu and just mow them down with a tranq rifle after which we can see Winston being in a pickle because Ethernu is the stronger opponent, or make them an actual threat and let Ethernu put more effort into winning this skirmish. Do try to pay attention to that in the future if you can!

Another thing in your story is the abundance of corny or pointless statements. We're all victim to this from time to time so don't beat yourself up about it, God knows I won't :P. Lemme just list a few for you and point out the problems they entail:


“Heh, this is going to be easy…”
Stupid remark that amounts to nothing other than being a plot device.


“Impressive, very impressive so you took down my stick figures huh?”
You could've just left it at "Impressive". Winston isn't really a big talker and saying stuff like "so you took down my stick figures huh?" is completely redundant because literally everyone knows this, both your readers and your characters. The only excuse for having this sentence is if it's immediately followed by Ethernu saying "No fucking shit sherlock".


“All life in this world is precious. You only have one chance in this world to do something great, don’t waste it.”
This sentence is so cheesy I thought I was eating a raclette for a second (which I wouldn't be doing anyways because I hate raclette). The build up to this sentence especially helps making it super-cheesy. It feels like someone is holding Ethernu at gunpoint and is forcing him to say this line. I could go in depth explaining why this is so cheese and what I define by cheese but honestly any self-respecting writer learns to recognize cheesy or corny dialogue by themselves eventually. If you think you have cheesy dialogue at your hands just stop for a second and try to imagine if this exact line would be said word for word by a character in a mediocre TV series or book. If the answer is yes, scrap it and try to think of something new that still conveys the message you want to bring without it feeling like the character is being held at gunpoint;


That day Winston had lost a battle, but he left the battlefield with the phrase “You only have one chance in this world to do something great, don’t waste it.” in his memory. From that day on, he swore never to lose the chance of doing something great.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ (you should get what I mean by now).

Do try to keep a watchful eye for sub-par dialogue, Sharpiro. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon if you keep writing :D.


“Can I offer some help?” said the part of his mind that’s based on instinct.

“Your help is not needed, your plans almost never work…”

“Aww come on buddy, can’t you just trust me just this once?.”

If his instinct had a physical form, Ethernu imagined that it would be smirking at him. Ethernu considered his options before finally making up his mind.

“I don’t have much choice do I?”

“That’s the spirit, now let me take over…”

“You remember the drill, correct?

“Ya, blablabla if you die then I die too, NOW WILL YOU HURRY UP AND LET ME TAKE OVER ALREADY?”

“Ok but remember, we both only have once chance at life, there is no save point or reset button to go to.”

“Ok I got it…”
This whole part feels a bit off and out of tone with the rest of the battle. The scene feels injected into the battle and as a result comes over as a bit jarring and a bit too eccentric for my tastes.

Right, I said I'd get back to you about plot devices though after reading through your battle once more I realized I'd misread something. Still, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. Never use coïncidence or stupidity in your story to help out your protagonist. This is the GOLDEN RULE of good storywriting. No good story ended with the hero being held at gunpoint by the villain, then the villain suddenly getting hit by a stray meteor and dying and the hero surviving against all odds. If you do this I swear I personally come over to bitchslap you in the face. This is a very bad plot device, it is ALWAYS forced in, and it detracts from a story's overall quality so much if anything much depends on it.

It's the same thing with the stick figure giving away the ambush with his stupid pointless remark. If you want Ethernu to be prepared for the upcoming attack do it any other way but not because of something utterly stupid. The only time you can use stupidity or coïncidence as a plot device is if you use it to put your protagonist into even more trouble, and even then you must watch out that it doesn't feel cheap and uncalled for. EG, Don't do this: "The hero is about to defeat the villain but then suddenly steps on a stray banana peel and falls to the ground, instantly breaking his neck". But instead, do it more like this: "The hero is cheating on his wife in their own home, but coïncidentally the wife's boss is sick that day and she goes home early to find her husband cheating on her". The latter is a bit cliché, yes, and it is why I have my qualms with coïncidence as a plot device in general, but the difference with the first example is that the hero had it coming in the second example, and because it is something we know happens in real life. This is a good piece of advice and I recommend that if you wanna do more with your writing you keep it close to heart.

As for the rest the battle's pretty beginner-level, but that's alright because we all start somewhere and you're doing a good job by working on the battles as you do. The characters were alright but not stellar, the fight choreography was good but not exceptional, and there was plenty of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

All in all, however, I do say this to you Sharpiro : Good job on your story! Writing a battle in and of itself is something that should be applauded and you most definitely did things right because three people have already voted for you. SO keep it up, keep writing, and if I see from you again I'll CnC you a second time and tell you how you've improved.

My vote goes to Kamiroo. Despite his not really being a 'battle' he did a better job in motivation, the articulation of his character's actions and his portrayal of the characters as a whole. All in all, I felt as if his was the better story and I enjoyed reading it more.

I may just be a fool on this, but are people just not voting for his because his wasn't really a battle, or just because Sharpiroo's story was better and I'm just blind to that?

Alright, there goes three hours into the CnC I made for you guys. I wouldn't really like to be left feeling as if it's an entirely thankless task; I don't require your thanks if you don't like my critiques, but I would appreciate knowing that you guys read it!

That being said, I'm out. Best of luck to both of you in the future.

GreekGladiator
11-04-2016, 03:19 PM
Even though i don't know what EXACTLY CnC means i have understood it is a review of the stories so here it is:
WARNING: IT MAY SUCK AND BE EXTREMELY SHORT



It had a very big introduction which wasn't kind of irrelevant(i may be wrong because i didn't read it all XD) and was boring. The fight was short and it wasn't vs Ethernu but vs a blue stickman. Winston didn't fight but was somewhat like an ally with Ethernu. I believe that a wrong thing to do as it was a fight not an allied vs a third one.

Not much to say. Good job and i think both characters were as inteded to be. Nice fight, fair and overall good.The length might need some work but pretty nice.

Whatever i said before might be complete bullsh*t, i don't know. I didn't mean to offend anyone just give constructive criticism. Best luck to you both and i hope i get the chance to fight you one day too(when i learn how a fight is excecuted and how to use links......)

Sharpiro
11-04-2016, 09:03 PM
Okay, time for some belated CnC. Meant to do this yesterday but my PC crashed and erased half my progress so I decided to call it a day.

Alright, without further ado let's get to it.

(WARNING; Big CnC's ahead. Enter at own risk!)




I have a mixed opinion about this whole introduction. The good thing is that it gives us the information we need to understand the following interaction between Bridget and Winston if we haven't been keeping up with the storyline. Given the fact that we're all busy people and not everyone keeps up with what's posted in the clan-pages (goodness knows I don't), I'd say it's a wise decision considering your audience.

The problem at hand, however, is that it's just straight out no-excuse exposition. You'll see me remarking and praising your decisions concerning exposition more down the line so let me just make sure we're on the same page here; Exposition is the purely factual stating of facts or a series of events. It's not storytelling, it's summarizing or reporting and hence every writer trying to tell a story must consciously try to keep any exposition in their stories to an absolute minimum. I'm sure you're well acquainted with it, and that you're aware this whole section was introductory exposition. But, as I said, considering your audience it was probably the wiser move to make.

As for feedback to work on things like these in the future, perhaps just try to see if you can work all this information, or at least the info that matters, into the exchange somehow? Your readers are usually smart enough to figure some things out on their own, so let them ;)



Alright, first of all let me praise you for the way you portrayed the interaction between these characters. Bridget feels a bit forced, but aside of that both of them feel alive and distinct from one another, and it's never like they're just standing still and doing nothing. Their actions are well articulated and make the scene as a whole more lively, so, good job there Kamiroo!

That being said, it's time for me to move on to the big question here; Why is this in your story? It relates and interacts little to nowhere with the rest of your 'battle' (more on that later), and I feel as if you could have done it more justice by having posted it as a separate work of writing in your char page, clan page or just in the Olit section. This whole part is about the dialogue between these two people and has nothing to do with what follows it other than being mentioned in a single sentence said by Winston. I feel that if you had worked on this as its own story, instead of as a part of your battle, you'd have had more creative space to work with, and (possibly) more time.



This is exposition-esque dialogue. Now, as I said I haven't been keeping up with clan stories due to simply not really having the time or wanting for it, but haven't these guys like only fought? It feels odd for Bridget to make this whole statement all of a sudden, and it feels more like you as the writer are trying to give us a heads-up as to Winston's current situation. Again, this could have just been me but I feel that perhaps you could have said what you wanted to say here with way less words.



This is where your actual 'battle' starts, with Winston getting his reasons to fight and a little more. You could have just as easily started off with this and the story would've still been the same :D.

I have no real remarks here. Once again, the characters are articulated and take actions, and the written pace is good. All in all, nicely written, so good work.



So here we get to the brunt of the story. First, let me applaud you for your decisions concerning exposition in this part since I had the impression there was quasi none of it. We're introduced to Ethernu straight away without any doo-hicky or elaborate explaining, and the story just flows naturally from there without any information feeling forced in. The stick figures have some sass and we see stuff from previous stories that just add that little touch of confirmation that this is indeed still part of the same universe as the previous story.

Now, onto the critique. The problem with this whole section is that nothing much really happens. There's no battle between Winston and Ethernu (whose character portrayal I thought you did better than Sharpiro himself), only some sort of interaction between them and then a stick with what I imagine very basic intellect making a stupid decision and fighting Ethernu. The fight between them is fairly trivial which begs the question why it is even shown to us to begin with. On one hand it's the only bit of action in this whole piece, but on the other hand I figure that just skipping ahead to the part where Ethernu returns would have had the same effect to an extent. Then things sort of move on but the story just ends there. We get a clue as to what the next story will be about, but that's really all the importance this piece had in the bigger picture of it all. It's nice to see these interactions but they feel pointless if they don't lead up to anything we get to see in the story itself.

I think that's the big issue with this whole battle, and perhaps explains why there's no votes for your piece other than mine (which really surprises me to be honest). It's nicely written, you certainly put effort into it, but nothing really... happens. It all just goes along and amounts to nothing but the promise that something's gonna happen in the next story. It's kinda like that useless filler episode in a series that comes after we've seen the general premise of the show in the first few episodes and we like it but before the big mid-season twist that builds up to the shit hitting the fan in the finale (if any of that made any sense to you). You know, that episode where we see what happens but we sorta feel we could've just skipped it altogether if the next episode just briefly touched over what went down in this one.

Perhaps that's why you're not satisfied with it yourself? You have your story at hands but you're tired of the classical story formula. It's still a nice story but it's not a battle. Expectations, both from the readers and yourself, are usually a bit higher for these since they're honestly just higher-stake projects. Eh, on one hand I feel as if I shouldn't say we could've done without this whole story, since it's nice to just be able to sit back and see what happens and just soak it in, but that only leaves us satisfied if it builds up to something which we still get to see in the same piece, which I feel this story did not.

Despite that, however, you did a nice job on the writing, on character portrayal and disregarding your introduction and Bridget's little monologue I do think you did a nice job on foregoing exposition. So keep it up Kamiroo. I already see so much improvement and I do hope you're not getting demotivated because that'd be a shame.

But I already covered that in a PM. I'll just wait for your response to it when it comes, or when it doesn't, in which case I guess that's also fine...

First things first, I'm glad to see you're still battling. Most people just bail out before or after their first battle, but you're keeping it up so I expect to see more from you in the future ;). That being said, let's move on to the CNC.



Let me start off by saying that the motivation for this whole fight to begin with is rather... questionable. It hinges solely on the fact that Winston is doing an ACR with Ethernu as the target. The thing with the ACR is that Ethernu seems like a rather unlikely target to begin with. Furthermore, Winston's portrayal through the rest of the story seems rather shoddy and out-of-character:



I don't know about you but to me Winston doesn't seem like the kind of person to be cocky about this and just dismiss his task as something casual. To me it seems more that Winston would do what's asked from him and nothing more, nothing less. Winston seems, to me, more like a person who would consider assassination a task of some gravity, and wouldn't dismiss taking out an opponent he knows is part of the RHG system as an easy target.



Once again, this feels out of character for Winston. He isn't shown as one to take pleasure in killing throughout what I've read of Kamiroo's work so I'm fairly sure that if he had the choice of "containment" he would go with it, only going for the assassination if he sees no other alternative or is forced to do so.

I know you're still picking up writing but I'm pointing this out because it's very important: wRHG fights are NOT like their animated counterparts. It's not just about the action and the fight here, it's about story more than anything else. Any good battle also has a good reason to be fought. If your guy is just a nutjob who loves fighting you have your motivation right there, if Ethernu is the kind of guy who feels like a casual midnight homicide and Winston is the first person he encounters, you have your motivation for the battle right there. But if you're having Ethernu on the defending end you need good reason for Winston to be attacking him in the first place that still feels like it's Winston attacking you and not the kind of Winston who acts convenient to the plot.

As I said, Ethernu seems like an unlikely candidate for an ACR mission, and Winston isn't the kind of person to actively go out of his way to just fight people. He needs to either defend himself because he feels threatened, or have a good motivator to attack. As things stand he has neither, and the lack of good motivation for the fight taints your battle as a whole, and you get stuff that's completely out of character like;



Next up on the chopping block:



'Opponent's minions are a bunch of brainless buffoons that pose no actual threat and constantly fuck up'-cliché.

If your goal is to write either a satirical parody story, or a kid-friendly cartoon of the RHG then please be my guest and keep this up. You'd be doing a good job if you were, though I'm fairly certain you're writing this to a fairly serious degree. The thing where we see goons depicted as mindless buffoons has been outplayed so hard by modern media and at this point it's not even comical anymore. It feels like people are too lazy to actually put their characters in a situation where their enemies pose any sort of threat and they just show off their characters beating them up as if it's easier than getting out of your bed in the morning.

Right, I'm not gonna turn this in unrelenting punishment so lemme take a step back here and show that I'm not here just to yell at you. I can tell that you did make effort to at least make the sticks a bit more threatening down the line but I don't think it worked out for you the way you wanted it to. Ethernu is alerted by the stupidity of one of his adversaries, which unless their stupidity is one of their defining traits, can only serve as a plot device where the hero magically gets a lucky break in his favour. You did this again later down the line so I'll cover that in full once we get to it.

All the stick figures' efforts amount to is giving him a bit of a sore collar bone. Either go all in and admit that they're no match for Ethernu and just mow them down with a tranq rifle after which we can see Winston being in a pickle because Ethernu is the stronger opponent, or make them an actual threat and let Ethernu put more effort into winning this skirmish. Do try to pay attention to that in the future if you can!

Another thing in your story is the abundance of corny or pointless statements. We're all victim to this from time to time so don't beat yourself up about it, God knows I won't :P. Lemme just list a few for you and point out the problems they entail:


Stupid remark that amounts to nothing other than being a plot device.


You could've just left it at "Impressive". Winston isn't really a big talker and saying stuff like "so you took down my stick figures huh?" is completely redundant because literally everyone knows this, both your readers and your characters. The only excuse for having this sentence is if it's immediately followed by Ethernu saying "No fucking shit sherlock".


This sentence is so cheesy I thought I was eating a raclette for a second (which I wouldn't be doing anyways because I hate raclette). The build up to this sentence especially helps making it super-cheesy. It feels like someone is holding Ethernu at gunpoint and is forcing him to say this line. I could go in depth explaining why this is so cheese and what I define by cheese but honestly any self-respecting writer learns to recognize cheesy or corny dialogue by themselves eventually. If you think you have cheesy dialogue at your hands just stop for a second and try to imagine if this exact line would be said word for word by a character in a mediocre TV series or book. If the answer is yes, scrap it and try to think of something new that still conveys the message you want to bring without it feeling like the character is being held at gunpoint;


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ (you should get what I mean by now).

Do try to keep a watchful eye for sub-par dialogue, Sharpiro. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon if you keep writing :D.


This whole part feels a bit off and out of tone with the rest of the battle. The scene feels injected into the battle and as a result comes over as a bit jarring and a bit too eccentric for my tastes.

Right, I said I'd get back to you about plot devices though after reading through your battle once more I realized I'd misread something. Still, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. Never use coïncidence or stupidity in your story to help out your protagonist. This is the GOLDEN RULE of good storywriting. No good story ended with the hero being held at gunpoint by the villain, then the villain suddenly getting hit by a stray meteor and dying and the hero surviving against all odds. If you do this I swear I personally come over to bitchslap you in the face. This is a very bad plot device, it is ALWAYS forced in, and it detracts from a story's overall quality so much if anything much depends on it.

It's the same thing with the stick figure giving away the ambush with his stupid pointless remark. If you want Ethernu to be prepared for the upcoming attack do it any other way but not because of something utterly stupid. The only time you can use stupidity or coïncidence as a plot device is if you use it to put your protagonist into even more trouble, and even then you must watch out that it doesn't feel cheap and uncalled for. EG, Don't do this: "The hero is about to defeat the villain but then suddenly steps on a stray banana peel and falls to the ground, instantly breaking his neck". But instead, do it more like this: "The hero is cheating on his wife in their own home, but coïncidentally the wife's boss is sick that day and she goes home early to find her husband cheating on her". The latter is a bit cliché, yes, and it is why I have my qualms with coïncidence as a plot device in general, but the difference with the first example is that the hero had it coming in the second example, and because it is something we know happens in real life. This is a good piece of advice and I recommend that if you wanna do more with your writing you keep it close to heart.

As for the rest the battle's pretty beginner-level, but that's alright because we all start somewhere and you're doing a good job by working on the battles as you do. The characters were alright but not stellar, the fight choreography was good but not exceptional, and there was plenty of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

All in all, however, I do say this to you Sharpiro : Good job on your story! Writing a battle in and of itself is something that should be applauded and you most definitely did things right because three people have already voted for you. SO keep it up, keep writing, and if I see from you again I'll CnC you a second time and tell you how you've improved.

My vote goes to Kamiroo. Despite his not really being a 'battle' he did a better job in motivation, the articulation of his character's actions and his portrayal of the characters as a whole. All in all, I felt as if his was the better story and I enjoyed reading it more.

I may just be a fool on this, but are people just not voting for his because his wasn't really a battle, or just because Sharpiroo's story was better and I'm just blind to that?

Alright, there goes three hours into the CnC I made for you guys. I wouldn't really like to be left feeling as if it's an entirely thankless task; I don't require your thanks if you don't like my critiques, but I would appreciate knowing that you guys read it!

That being said, I'm out. Best of luck to both of you in the future.

Ayy, thx for that CnC. I realy appreciate any feedback, bad or good. It really helps me ^_^
My computer broke down a few days ago and I couldn't access my account 'cause I forgot my password like the idiot I am.

In regard to the part that Kamiroo has writen, please don't just decide not to vote for it just because it's not really a fight between my character and Kamiroo's. In fact, I think it's a well writen story.

Crank
11-04-2016, 09:55 PM
Heh, Greek, most people just like to know their stuff is getting read! If you've got something to say, it's going to make people happy, especially if it's feedback!

Also, I think it's comments and criticism. About 75% sure

Vern tackled most of the main things, and I voted Kamiroo for similar reasons. Wolf, you did have a bit much going on (I know it's a weakness of mine too), but personally, what I go for, is if it's a fight, I'll try hugging 50/50 story/striking. If you can't cut anything (like me), you could throw a prologue on a thread somewhere, or if it's completely unrelated, might just wanna have it be stand alone. Kinda lost points on how skewed from fighting it was, but I did like your character work.

Sharpiro, you were kinda the yin to his yang. Again, Vern mentioned most of it, but there really wasn't a clear reason why they were fighting. Personally, I'll take 'They're fighting because they're gladiators who challenged each other' once every so often, but other than that, I do like having a reason why Person A needs to punch Person B in the face. As a side note, I really enjoyed your initial description of the setting and Ethernu in the first paragraph! I wish more characters and events got that sorta treatment

SaulMurphy
11-04-2016, 10:56 PM
Voted for wolf on similar grounds discussed above. Motivations and I am a sucker for backstory and context. Personal preference. As for all who CnC'd I'm impressed. Haven't seen the ilk of such in many a month.

Criticisms, albeit brief, would be Wolf, as mentioned above, making the context more relevant and impacting towards the ultimate goal could serve you well. Engaging the reader in following the "hero's" path. Writing a long story is tricky and requires you to make sure everyone is with you from beginning to end.

As for his opponent, Sharp, can't add much more than what everyone said above. Short, sweet, good fight, lacking reasoning. If you added two or three paragraphs of motive I would've voted for you in a heartbeat.

Now some thanks:

Urako, your insight is valued.
Vern, you are a gentleman and a scholar.
Greek, carry on doing this sort of stuff and don't be sorry for giving your opinion.
Crank, always a pleasure seeing you around.

Sharpiro
11-05-2016, 02:02 PM
Ok, I read all of your CnC. Looks like I need to improve my reason for transition in story telling. Thanks for all of this feedback ^_^
And I think its now evident at this point that people know English is not my first language...

Crank
11-05-2016, 06:16 PM
Hey, don't feel bad that English isn't your first language. It's my only language, so what you're doing now is already extemely impressive in that regard

Urako
11-05-2016, 06:40 PM
Crank's telling the truth. And here's some fun facts;
1# English is my only language as well.
2# English is the hardest language to learn.
You sir and anyone else who learns English has my respect.

Vern
11-05-2016, 07:56 PM
English is the hardest language to learn.

Germany/Iceland/China begs to differ. (Seriously though have you seen Icelandic that shit is insane)

Sharpiro, if you ever need motivation when learning then remember that people like SJCRPV, me and (I believe) Lobotomizer are all non-native to the English language. People are always astonished when I tell them I'm in fact not a native English speaker. You can do that too, if you're determined enough ;)

I'd say English isn't that difficult a language depending on the roots of your own language. If you're someone from Asia I imagine it being quite a bit harder to pick up English, but if you're like me, a native Dutch speaker, then it's significantly easier. There's a reason people refer to Dutch as 'a drunken German sailor trying to speak English'.

Regardless, I'd argue English is definitely one of the easier languages to get used to. All its tricks and grammatical nonsense are a tough nut to crack at first but if you get accustomed to them it's a cakewalk from thereonout. It's not like any language is easy to learn at first. English is not like French where the word changes depending on its gender, or, even worse, like German where the same word gets spelled differently based on its role in the sentence it is in etc.... (Life is too short to learn German.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is ; English is easy if you keep using it. Easier than other languages at least, in my opinion. Stuff like 'a' or 'an' and 'your'/'you're' becomes a habit after a while. Also don't forget to capitalize your I's if they refer to yourself as a person (which you're doing just perfectly).

Well here's my useless post of the month. I guess I get to indulge every once in a while too :P.

GreekGladiator
11-06-2016, 04:35 AM
It is true that English is challenging to learn if not your native language. This year I took the proficiency in English so I am clear. I must admit that English seemed WAY easier when I started taking russian lessons. I mean, it has 33 letters!! This shit is hard compared to other European languages.(am I getting cocky?)

Sharpiro
11-07-2016, 07:24 PM
lol, the stupid thing is that I can't even write in my native language .-.
And I've been in Chicago from birth to this point in life...
Yes, I can certainly agree that French is hard to learn. Why might you ask? Because my home country is the only Asian country who based their language off of the French, at least I think so.

Kamiroo Wolf
11-12-2016, 09:20 PM
Ah. Looks like another tie to my record. Thanks to all who voted and took the time to read each piece!

And thank you very much for the fight Sharpiro and I look forward to seeing more from you!

Sharpiro
11-12-2016, 09:43 PM
GG Kamiroo! Looks like another tie for me again. Well, perhaps our gladiator's path will cross again one day... In the meantime, I think I'll begin writing a canon short story for practice. Be sure to look out for that and give me Cnc ^-^