PDA

View Full Version : Leif (Applecharm11 Starhorse) VS Steam (Piston1937)



Applecharm11 Starhorse
12-16-2016, 06:32 AM
Leif looked at the new challenge notice on the Stickpage website. She didn’t really want to fight but when the challenger stated it would be at Grenendaris’s tree she got a curious.
“And who might this challenger be?” She asked her empty room. She clicked on her opponent to find an unfinished file. Her challenger was Steam. A steam powered automaton. His history, weapons, personality were all unknown but there a message.


“Grenendaris tree tomorrow at noon Leif.” Leif now was even more curious than before. Leif accepted the battle and the message changed


“See you tomorrow.” Then the message disappeared all together. Leif was still curious if not more so.




------------------------------------------------------------


Steam sat on the trail that led up to Grenendaris’s tree. He was just a bit giddy to fight again since the last time he had had a decent fight was about a century. He was curios about this generation of fighters and it had recently come to his attention that someone had gone after the power stored in Grenendaris’s tree and Steam was curios. When he went to check it out he found three men with axes.


Steam was a bit disappointed that they wanted to force the power out which was near impossible but not unexpected. They hadn’t gained the power so Steam assumed someone had defended the tree but when Steam checked the tree he found that the power was gone. This is what got Steam to battle Leif.


“When will she get here?” Steam asked the tree that he sat in front of. Steam had been sitting there for the past hour waiting and fiddling with his arm.

“Are you Steam?” Asked a female voice from behind him. Steam turned around and saw Leif. He gave her the once over calculated the three most important numbers in the world for any girl and turned back to the tree.


“Well she is as flat as a board.” Steam stage whispered. Leif went pink in the face.


“I have come to battle you not be examined you Pervert.”


“Of course not.” Steam said smiling. “So how do we do this do I attack you attack or what?” Leif was now just confused. So Steam took this chance and tapped her on the forehead. Gem flew into her hand and she forced Steam’s hand away. Steam smiled and he pushed Leif back risking his hands decapitation.

Leif was pushed off balance and Steam just stood there smiling. Leif regained her balance and looked at Steam.


“You lose balance too easy from a standing position. So you aren’t a person who usually fights.” Steam said studying Leif as she took a stance with Gem.

“Your fighting stance resembles Test’s so I can assume he taught you?” Leif lunged at Steam who side stepped it with ease. Leif changed stance and sliced at Steam again. Steam ducked under the attack and pulled out his pistol firing at Leif once. Gem changed from a sword to a shield just in time to catch the bullet. Steam jumped up and fired again this time holding fire for a second. The six shots hit Gem and fell to the ground.


“Well you are lasting longer than most of my opponents do.” Steam said before punching Gem and denting his hand in the process. “You aren’t attack and your reaction earlier indicates a shy disposition even for a virgin.” Leif’s face got hot and turned the color of a tomato.


“Shut up.” Gem shifted back to a sword and Leif stabbed at Steam. Then Steam’s shell opened and steam vented from him creating a cloud of thick fog. Leif missed Steam and he vanished into the fog. Leif rotated looking for Steam but he was nowhere to be found. Then a shadow lashed out at Leif. Gem protected her but Leif backed up into the trees.


“Now show me what you got.” Steam’s voice said from the forest all around. Leif’s scarf appeared around her and Gem started multiplying. Then metal balls started raining down on top of her.


“Boom.” Steam said from above Leif and the fifty nine small sphere’s exploded into clouds of steam showering Leif in shrapnel. When the steam settled Gem had created a protective shield all around Leif. Steam dropped down into the ring the Gem had created and brought his arm down hard on Leif’s shoulder. There was a crack and Leif yelped in pain as her arm was shoulder was broken. Gem’s barrier broke and reformed around Lief.


Three tri blasters formed and fired at Steam who jumped around as his body built up pressure again. Then Wither’s voice began whispering in Leif’s mind.


He will kill you.


Steam lunged at one of the blasters tearing it to shreds barehanded.


Kill him before he kills you.


Then before Leif could do anything to stop her Wither took took control.

Steam feeling the change in Leif faced her but her was too slow. Wither pierced Steam’s outer shell with a sword of red energy. Memories flooded into Steam. Leif losing her sister, her mother vanishing. All the sadness and rage flooded into Steam but it had no effect.


“You think that those memories will stop me?” Steam said his voice solemn and emotionless. Then Steam’s memories overpowered Leif’s. The death of millions weighing of Steam for the past millennia. The memory of The metal Demon washing through here with the flames of hell. Everything burning. The screams of dying children and the last words of every single person he had killed etched in his memories. Steam walked toward Leif impaling himself more and more on the sword. Steam’s eyes changed from blue to black like Lief’s. Two blades extended from his arms and he sliced at Leif’s chest.


Leif let go of the sword and did a single handed backflip to avoid being cup in half but Steam still caught her ankle with the blade. Leif fell to the ground and the tri blasters fired at Steam.

Steam lunged at the blasters as the beam of energy turned his shell to liquid metal. He destroyed them all. Then turned to Leif. His shell opened and another cloud of steam erupted from him. Leif looked at Steam’s shadow as he limped toward her. He slashed at her once missing her head and scraping against a tree. Steam slashed again this time Leif blocked it and riding the inside of the crescent blade she cut Steam’s hand off at the joint.

Boiling hot steam vented from the now stump of a hand. Steam didn’t flinch he just pulled back his arm and readied another attack. Then tri blasters came up behind him and blasted him in the back. Steam ignored them and his fist flew at Leif. Gem formed a shield and Steam’s blade went right through Gem. Time seemed to slow down for Leif as Steam’s blade pierced Gem. Pain ruptured from her stomach and she screamed in agony. Then Steam’s blade stopped mere millimeters from her.


“Time limit up reverting.” Was all Leif heard as the blackness took her.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Leif awoke in a hospital room with a vase full of flowers and a note She grabbed the note with her good arm and read as follows.


“Sorry I think I went a bit too far. Hope you get better and like the flowers.”


Steam.

Leif strode through the forest, the plants around seeming to bend to her need, clearing obstacles as she threaded through.

Gem lay, at peace upon her shoulder, but in reality, was ready for the battle arranged.

Leif recalled the challenge in the form of a note, asking to meet here in the Illusion Forest.

How her challenger had come in she had no idea. Either they were immune to concealment magic, or was somehow connected to the energy there.

A friendly challenge seemed like what she needed to get away from the troubles back home.

Sparring in a battle against someone knew would require her brain's focus. Which she gladly took upon.

As she neared the Mirage Pool, she noticed a extremely dark red figure in the distance.

He was leaned up against a rock while his shiny automaton body glimmered in the sun's rays. He drew in a deep breath from the cigar, before lowering it to puff a mouthful of steam.

Leif approached nonetheless. She had a cyborg clone for a friend. But this automaton acted nothing like her half robot buddy.

He reeked of vodka and gasoline.

"Um...hey! Im Leif! Did you request a battle?" Leif spoke up, calling out as she grew nearer.

The autimaton turned his head, a bored and disappointed look clear on his face. Shocker, since F-2 seemed to have no expression, no matter how hard he tried.

But then again, this was not a cyborg fitted with artificial intelligence.

Leif could sense the magic infused with his metal body. And something... frightingly powerful inside...

"So.. you're Leif?" He slurred, stifling a burp with his arm. Did... did automatons burp? Well, did they drink booze in the first place?

"Erm... yes, thats me." Leif affirmed.

"My fight is with Wither. Not you." He stretched, standing beside the rock as he tossed his cigar to the ground.

Leif felt a chill run down her spine as Wither seemed to wake, wondering who was this odd person wishing to see her.

"How.. how did you know about her?" Leif gulped.

"Lil lady, rumours carry easy here. And some of your opponents, if you can remember, recall facing Wither mid battle." Steam rolled his glowing eyes as he moved a metallic foot to crush the cigar. "And personally, I'd like the challenge."

"She's.. not part of the battle." Leif said, trying to be firm but her voice was shaking. "She has nothing to do with any of this."

"Why don't we ask her?"

Before Leif knew what was coming, he had whipped up his pistol and fired at her head.

Gem leapt from her shoulder, deploying as a large green shield, sending the bullet richocheting into the woods.

"Knock knock, Wither, are you there?~" Steam sang as he checked the gun's bullet clip, before taking aim again.

Leif jerked to the side, Gem following as a protective barrier as she ran.

"Only cowards hide behind a shield all day." Steam chirrped, which did not go well with the steam whistling out of his ears. "Why don't Wither and I had a nice chat face to face?"

"Why would you want her to appear?" Leif asked, as she ran around, approaching her opponent. "Why wish to pick a fight with her?"

"I told you, lil lady. I'd really like the challenge." Steam answered, followed by a spray of bullets.

Leif could feel Gem straining to keep it up.

She had to move, fast.

She felt the warmth presence of Swift's scarf around her neck as her feet seemed to pick up speed.

Gem fell back, as a few more copies joined the fray, creating a field of tiny gems.

Leif ran in a zig zag pattern, while calling a few Gem copies to advance.

Steam shot down most of them, but was shocked as two managed to graze him, sparking off his metal body.

"Not bad." He mused. "But I think we should heat things up now, shouldn't we?"

He fired a blue tinted bullet, the last of clip of 67 bullets.

Leif barely managed to time the leap, as it narrowly missed her, striking the ground at her feet.

Hyper compressed steam rose, brushing her feet before freezing upon contact.

Leif gave a startled yelp as her lower half became encased in a replica of an ice statue.

She fell forward, legs frozen solid, with a grunt.

"My mistake." The automaton sighed sarcastically, as he loaded a new clip of ammo into the pistol. "I meant cooling things down. My apologies."

Leif struggled to move, but her legs were solid ice, and felt like freezing cold bricks.

"Thank you, m'lady, for no longer being a moving target." He said casually, as he took aim.

Leif grabbed Gem, whom immediately lengthened into a shimmering leafy sword. She swung, knocking the bullet off course.

But as she lowered her blade, she glowered at the automaton with enraged black eyes.

"There we go." Steam grinned as he took aim again. "Now the battle truly begins."

What seemed to match a growl rumbled from her throat as she broke free of her frigid caccoon.

She rolled, letting a line of bullets strike in her wake.

She rose, leaping towards Steam, sword drawn.

Steam had not anticipated her speed.

He ducked, narrowly missing being decapitated.

"Do you wish for death?" Wither hissed, slashing at him with her sword. Sparks flew as she scratched up his arm. "Must you insist on enraging all whom wish for tranquillity?!"

In her free hand, a red blade of blazing energy formated. She twirled it as she sped behind the clumsy slightly drunk gladiator. With an cry of anguish, she drove the weapon deep into his back.

But to her surprise, the automaton responded with laughter.

"No, no, that won't be working on me." He chuckled, turning to snatch her by the neck.

Wither writhed in his grip, legs kicking out as he raised her, kept at the distance like a feral cat.

"Your purpose of fear and pain has failed." He smirked. "I have done more worse things than you have experienced. I have literally been to the depths of hell and back. Do you honestly think you have done enough horrifying things to match mine?"

"You seem to have misintipreted my intensions." Wither huffed as she struggled for breath.

Twisting, she managed to crack her foot against his face.

But the blow did little but faze him for a few moments.

"Oh? Do enlighten me." He said, hding her like a prize, inspecting her all around.

His breath was drizzled in that of alchohol. And from the way he seemed to sway slightly back and forth, Wither could conclude tge automaton was quite drunk.

How, she had no idea.

But either way, she cared not for that fact.

A tighter squeeze caused Gem to drop the ground, clattering before falling back to her original form.

"I do not do evil. I do not terrorize." Wither let loose a gutteral cry, as two trio cannons of Gem appeared at her side.

Gold beams burst forth from their tips, blasting right into Steam's chest, thrusting him back.

He staggered, gaining steady purchase once again on the ground, though he was quite near the edge of the lake.

Wither broke free and somersaulted back. Landing on her feet with Gem encasing her arm as an extended blade.

Steam's eyes blazed, steam popped from his ears, as he dropped the bullets in his clip, watching them roll to Wither's side. "Boom."

They detonated, taking her by surprise.

She had Gem deploy as a shield while she leapt onto a tri cannon.

The trio of leaves resmbling a beast's jaws or curled in claws rose, taking its master with it.

A ring of tri cannons spawned above like a circle of crowns and fired down into the fray of explosions.

Steam cried out at the ranged attack. He could see nothing through the explosion, his heat vision messed up from his own attack.

Rays of beams blasted into him, causing his metal body to burn hot red.

"VENT!" Steam screamed above the fray.

Wither lowered herself upon the pack of tri cannons.

All of which were growling as they advanced towards their cornered prey.

"I defend! I protect!" Wither shrieked as she leapt forward, sword gleaming gold.

She knocked into him with such a force, both were shoved closer to the edge.

"RELEASE!" Steam hollered. Hisses rose from within his armoured body, steam rising all around in thick clouds as he surged forward, pushing against Wither with renewed strength.

"I defend Leif, I do not seek to strike fear or harm anyone. But I do what must be done. I trust no one! I fight for no one but Leif! She may not understand how this world works, so I will fight her battles for her!"

The automaton's eyes seemed to pop out as Wither drove Gem's blade into his side, between a chink in the metal plates.

Sparks flew and steam billowed out of the wound. Oil and booze trickled down to the ground.

"You wanted a challenge?!" Wither screeched, throwing her weight against the larger and heavier foe.

Both fell another step to the edge.

Her arm reached out, clasping around his head, twisting it at such a force and angle, it creaked as it stuck, sparks spraying from the dent in wires.

One of his head lights flickered as red flashed upon his vision, screaming of the malfunctions and interferences within the system.

"Then you have chosen termination instead!"

Wither shot her fist forward, the blow connecting to his chest, which caved in to the strike.

Her eyes seemed to be tinted with red as she watched him topple back, steam screaming out of his battered body, before slapping against the water, which swiftly rose to devour him.

Wither watched, shaking with rage, as he sank beneath the surface, disappearing beneath the ripples.

Then she fell to her hands and knees, head swooning.

She blinked, head throbbing as her white irises returned. "What..?"

Then she noticed the stream of bubbles rising to the top, followed by the dying line of steam.

"Steam!" She cried in alarm, diving in after the sunken foe.

Alphaeus
12-16-2016, 07:08 AM
First off, you have to make sure the poll is public -- aka that it shows the names of those who voted. Those rules are in place for the benefit of the mods as well as the other voters so they can check for vote manipulation.

Secondly, I voted to Charm.

Both stories were quite difficult to follow -- the scenery was poorly developed, and the combat had little spacial indicators to help me understand where things were happening.

The complete lack of backstory made it even harder to understand what was going on, especially considering there are no character page links in the post. Had I not read these profiles relatively recently, I would have been completely lost.

The conversations and character behavior seemed stilted. It did not seem like the characters were doing this -- rather, they had been manipulated into this situation and these actions by the authors "puppeting" them into doing so. AKA, both battles seemed rather unnatural and awkward.

This was "just a fight" which, while there is nothing "wrong" with that, leaves the readers with an extremely one-dimensional battle.

In the end, I voted for Charm because out of the two stories, I was able to make some sense of her story, at least enough to get a grasp on what happened and the overall plot. On the whole, hers seemed the more "natural" and least awkward of the two stories, as well. There were little spurts of descriptions in places that did improve my enjoyment of the story, such as her first meeting with Steam and her impression of him.

969_DoomsDruid_969
12-16-2016, 08:29 AM
Get some grammar on boiz and grils.

Were you not bread with the information you knead for cornrect grammar?

Actual stuff:

What is Wither again? Her being corrupted by poison of death? I can't tell(although it might be in your wattpad stories)

Voted for the Apple.

Urako
12-16-2016, 08:49 AM
Hello guys. First I'd like to congratulate Piston1937 here on his/her first fight and Applecharm11starhorse on his/her first fight back (if this isn't the first). Now with that said, there will almost always be critique. It doesn't matter how good you are because you can always improve.

First off, congratulations on your first fight. I've noticed quite a bit of improvement from your demo. You had the better paragraph structure here and you almost got my vote. But like Alphaeus said, Applecharm had better descriptions.

This can be remedied though, just add some detail to the fight. What do things look like? How do the character's feel? Adding some description behind most of the actions will pace your story, make it easier to understand, and make the reader feel more like they're part of your story. Your improving fairly well but it wouldn't hurt to read a few recent battles to see what I mean.

The other piece of advice I have for you is to make sure each gladiator is in-character and has a good motive for fighting. For this it's best to take a good read at their personality, their demo, and their previous fights. I don't know about Lief and how she is supposed to act though so you get the benefit of the doubt from me for now. Regardless though, this is still good advice to make the battles occur more naturally.

Best of luck to you Piston.


You got my vote for your better descriptions, but you could still stand to improve on it. Adding some more description behind most of the actions will pace your story, make it easier to understand, and make the reader feel more like they're part of your story.

The other major problem is the sentence structure. With the exception of dialogue, needs to be more like paragraphs containing multiple sentences than single lines. It's just hard to read that way. Some recent battles will show you what a normal paragraph structure looks like.

Best of luck to you to Applecharm.

In general, you guys can also improve on your grammar some. Going over your work and spell-checking it never hurts. Now that that is finished, I would like to say you didn't do bad. You're both on par with my first opponent when he faced me on his second battle. I'mlooking forward to seeing you both continue and hopefully improve.

Piston1937
12-16-2016, 08:53 AM
This was "just a fight" which, while there is nothing "wrong" with that, leaves the readers with an extremely one-dimensional battle.



Any tips on how to not be 1D


The conversations and character behavior seemed stilted. It did not seem like the characters were doing this -- rather, they had been manipulated into this situation and these actions by the authors "puppeting" them into doing so. AKA, both battles seemed rather unnatural and awkward.



Sorry kinda still learning this trade. any tips


Thanks urako for the CnC I will definitely use it.


Yes Azure give me all the CnC I need it all desperately.

Azure
12-16-2016, 08:59 AM
Ah, battles from new writers. Don't you worry, I'll most certainly give some in-depth CnC soon. Since everyone is mentioning grammar, I'll leave that out of the mix and focus more on story flow, story elements, and offer advice on storytelling. Of course, I'm not all that amazing myself, so be sure to take it with a grain of salt and take any harshness on the chin. I've got no ill will, and only hope to help y'all improve through showing my opinion on things.

969_DoomsDruid_969
12-16-2016, 09:08 AM
i thought azure didn't give CnC


the cake is a lie

Alphaeus
12-16-2016, 01:29 PM
Of course, I'm not all that amazing myself

Go smack yourself your overly humble faddletwat.

@Piston

Read a few stories by anyone who has written a lot around here. Dimension is achieved by giving more story. Create plot. A battle is a scene -- a plot is the whole driver of a chapter in a book. Write the chapter, not the scene.

By creating an actual storyline, you will usually solve a lot of the awkwardness problem. I great (well, New York Best Selling) writer once told me (read: me and a bunch of other listeners) that characters think for themselves -- don't try to make them do what they wouldn't choose to do on their own. Learn who your char is and who your opponent's char is. Then write what seems natural.

969_DoomsDruid_969
12-16-2016, 01:39 PM
Of course, I'm not all that amazing myself,
I'm impressed, Azure. Not even one such as I could come up with such Grade-A bullshit.


@Piston: "asshatted"



Stop. Now. You won't like what happens next.

Ciel
12-17-2016, 03:33 AM
I kept links to the profiles of both gladiators open on tabs while replying this, but I will admit that Steam's profile required a bit more reading to understand.

Now, my vote went to Applecharm.

On to the C&C.

Both stories are rather flat. They have little backstory, and it is difficult to follow in general. To sum it up, they basically consist of a fight and little else. Of course, there's nothing wrong with this. It's a matter of personal preference, on both parts of the author and the reader. But, I'd recommend having some semblance of a plot, which would probably make it easier to follow, and - like Alphaeus says - remove the awkwardness.

The lack of links to the character profile page also made it such that I was required to hunt for the characters in order to understand just what was going on. As an extra, Leif's character page doesn't mention Wither, and neither is the word in the battle Leif VS John Moore, so I'm going to assume that Wither is when the venom changes Leif.

There is the occasional lack of punctuation marks in Piston's work, which made it a little discomforting for me to read. Both stories are also rather short, and I find the characters a little mechanical in both stories.

(I also just realised that I called Steam 'mechanical', and considering that he is an automaton... uh... never mind.)

Piston most definitely has the better paragraphing between the two, but Apple has the better descriptions and flow, in my opinon.

I voted for Applecharm as their story was a little easier to follow. I was able to understand it a bit better, and the descriptions made it a bit more of an enjoyable read.

Piston1937
12-17-2016, 09:37 AM
thanks for the CnC

I think the reason that Wither isn't mentioned in Leif's thread is that Charm hasn't had the time to update it. And yes I need to brush up on my punctuation.

Sharpiro
12-17-2016, 10:10 AM
Ok, I am going to place my vote on piston. For one, I feel like people aren't voting for piston mainly because it's mostly conversation but I kind of understood what he was getting at.
#2 apples was just mainly gladiators fight because they are awesome. I know I dso that to but at least in pistons they had a reason to fight.

Ok but you both need to work on setting up the setting and how the characters meet because I had no Idea where the transitions where (or was it because I read too fast?)
anyways keep up the good work, I'm surprised I had any time at all to vote let alone write this

Piston1937
12-17-2016, 11:19 AM
Ok, I am going to place my vote on piston. For one, I feel like people aren't voting for piston mainly because it's mostly conversation but I kind of understood what he was getting at.
#2 apples was just mainly gladiators fight because they are awesome. I know I dso that to but at least in pistons they had a reason to fight.

Ok but you both need to work on setting up the setting and how the characters meet because I had no Idea where the transitions where (or was it because I read too fast?)
anyways keep up the good work, I'm surprised I had any time at all to vote let alone write this

Thanks man.