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View Full Version : Manny Ken (Azure) vs Fred (buckethead)



Azure
12-23-2016, 12:59 PM
So, this battle had no formal due date initially, it was simply due "around Christmas time." I've spoken with my opponent several times and my most recent two PMs, trying to verify how far along he is as well as to set an ultimatum, seem to have gone ignored. So, I'll be posting my half of the battle. If he comes and posts his battle by Christmas, I'll set up a poll, but as things currently stand, I'm taking this as a forfeit on buckethead's end. The conditions for the battle were that we needed a minimum of 5K words.

Here is a link to the battle on GDocs. (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jPzwQPMnZ6HcCbmZkE5qMbgrFrA1p45B99be66WolWw/edit?usp=sharing)


“It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed,
But the feeling of not being empty.”
-Jonathan Foer
~~~~~
Manny watched the night sky with a strange sense of calm about him. How long had it been since he first opened his eyes? How long had he gone about now? He was old; not ancient of course, but he was old. Old enough for time to have eroded his past, old enough to question why he bothered to still stick around.

Of course, he knew he could never end his own life. Of course, he wasn’t exactly alive to begin with, but at the same time, he wasn’t exactly not-alive. That was more or less the problem though. He lived his not-life long enough to question why he was forced to continue on with no ability to end it all. His master had seen to it that he’d be a force nigh unstoppable, but had failed to consider what to do when it was no longer needed. Manny was here, trapped by the sins of another.

For a while, fighting worked. It was what he was originally made for, it was what he was good at, and most importantly, it felt right. And as he fought, he met others. Fighting was how he found Kizu, after all, and he found something else to hold him grounded: love. Kizu was the best and worst thing to happen to him. While she allowed him to feel love and often provided it, she also left him with guilt. Love wasn’t enough anymore. More and more often, he found himself like this, just thinking. And when he thought, the emptiness inside of him seemed to widen.

With a grunt, he gets to his feet. “Fuck moping about,” he says aloud, more to prove he can say the words than any other reason. “I’m here, I’m still kicking, so I’m gonna do something.” He looked down from the top of the building he was standing upon. It was some random tower in the city; likely it belonged to some rich asshole with too much time and money. Without a thought, he lets himself fall from it backwards. He calmly watches the lights of the city fly by in an inspiring display as he steadily heads for a meeting between his head and the pavement, courtesy of their mutual contact, the laws of physics. With a soft thud, he lands on the ground, taking but a moment to find his way to his feet. There are a few screams from those who saw his fall and his brushing it off; it didn’t really register with him much.

What did register, however, was the thing standing in front of him. It was… a dummy? Yep, it was a training dummy, and it was dressed in some kind of ridiculous outfit. Made out of some tan fabric and wearing a tasteless outfit consisting of a brown shirt with a bucket on it and some prison convict orange pants, his silliness was accentuated with the silver bucket resting precariously atop his head. The dummy’s pupiless eyes were a bright blue and stared at Manny with just as much confusion, and a zipper stretched across his face where a mouth would be.

The screams surrounding them drowned out Manny’s voice as he asked a single, simple question: “The fuck is this nonsense?”

The dummy, snapping from his reverie, waves his hand to Manny, seeming to want him to follow. Slinging his pickax over his shoulder, he follows along, if only to figure out just what the fuck this nonsense was. The duo of puppets made their way away from the crowd, ducking down a few alleys before Manny came to a stop. The dummy stopped a moment later, no longer hearing Manny’s footsteps. Checking the sound levels, Manny decides he can be properly heard now.

“Ok, nice and quiet. So, I’ll ask you again: the fuck is this nonsense?”

The dummy looks at him a moment, before unzipping his mouth. “I should be asking you that. What the heck are you doing, causing a scene like that? Don’t you know somebody could’ve gotten hurt?”

Manny just blinks. “Do… do I look like I care if somebody got hurt? I wanna know who and what the fuck you are, and why I shouldn’t find somebody’s head to smash in.”

The dummy places his hand to the side of his head, an act that looked almost comical with the bucket placed on it. Manny wasn’t laughing. The dummy nods to himself, but meeting Manny’s eye. “Alright, let’s try to go through this in order then. I’ll answer your questions, you answer mine.” Manny folds his arms and waits. “So, to answer who I am, my name is Fred-”

Manny stops him right there. “That’s it. I’m done. We’re done. You’re obviously somebody’s bad idea of a joke.” He starts walking off. “I ain’t got time for no jokes. Seriously, you’re almost insulting. Go back to the factory that made you and kindly ask to be disassembled.” As he’s moving, he feels Fred grab his jacket.

“I wasn’t finished, and you didn’t answer any of my questions.”

“Both of those statements are accurate,” Manny says, keeping his voice level, “and just as accurate is my lack of interest. Now, you’re either going to let go, or you’re going to lose that arm.” Fred lets him go. “That’s what I thought.”

“I work for the RHG Organization. I have some questions that I want answered.” Manny’s eyes narrow, and he turns around to face the dummy, who seems more… focused. More in the moment.

“So, you’re an Organization dog, huh? Alright, I’ve got some time to kill. Are you some kind of experiment to recreate me or something?”

“I’m asking the questions at the moment,” is Fred’s retort. Manny withholds a growl. “Now, first, some clarification. You, Manny Ken, are documented as being within the RHG Organization as a gladiator roughly twenty-five years ago. You were in the Organization for about five years, before disappearing entirely. That said, there is one documented incident in which a very important man went missing about ten years ago. A very important man with very sensitive information. It is around this same time that you showed back up in our network. It has become apparent to the Organization that you know more than should be known by anyone not loyal to their causes, and outside of the very highest echelon. My question to you is this: are you the one who took the executive?”

For a few minutes, Manny is entirely quiet, simply looking to the sky. When he finally answers, he does so with a voice expressing just how bored he is. “Yep. And he’s dead. And you all knew it already, which is why you tried to kill him yourselves, not that I didn’t expect it. See, I needed to ensure that my documents were scrubbed nice and clean, and he was the only one who could ensure I got into it. I never had much on my record, but there were things I needed to ensure weren’t there. Same with another file, but that doesn’t matter. Is that enough for your masters, little dog?”

“It is more than enough. These actions cannot go unpunished. I’ve been asked to escort you to a private area to dispose of you. I’ve been authorized to use force as necessary.”

Manny finally bursts into laughter. “Oh sweet baby Lucifer, you are just the saddest fucker they could’ve ever come up with. Oh shit man, you are too fucking much. You’re such a goddamn lap dog, fuck. Alright, alright, show me to wherever this kill zone of yours is. I had time to kill anyways, and kicking your ass will certainly make me feel better.” Manny follows along as Fred leads him further into the dark underbelly of the city. “So, I’m guessing it’s my turn for a question, huh? Where did they make a cheap knockoff like you?”

Fred is a bit slow to reply. “I am not a knockoff of you. I am a training dummy made for gladiatorial use. As their training drones became more advanced, my line was retired and placed in storage. One day, I simply… woke up. The reasons behind it are unknown, and I don’t particularly care to know them.”

“So, a training dummy just happens to come to life, and decides to work for the people that made it and probably thousands of others like it for the simple purpose of being destroyed, and at no point does it question any of that? I mean, you hear how ridiculous that is, right? Maybe it’s just because I’m old enough to be self aware, but you’ve got an interesting lack of concern in some important parts of your life. Well, I mean, I guess you’re like me in that respect, huh? Not really alive, not really lifeless. Can’t really kill something that ain’t alive, now can you? That’s what you call an easy expendable.”

“And how are you alive then?”

“That’s a secret~ I know you’re in communications with your leaders, you don’t really try hiding it at all. That’s something they’d love to know, and I’m not interested in informing them of. Just like I’m not telling them where I’m from, what I’ve been doing with my time, or how I know how to avoid the RHG’s radars. Think the kitty-cat got his vacation time on his own?”

“Well, the information you possess will simply disappear with you.” Manny shakes his head.

“God, you’ve got no brains at all, huh? You can’t take me out; I’ve got too much experience compared to you, both in life and in fighting. Really, they’re just hoping you’ll distract me long enough to get a proper kill squad assembled now that they’ve got their little confession on record. Problem with that though, is that I’d probably just kill them as well, and then they’d realize how very dangerous I am. If they kept bothering me with bullshit, then I’d just start picking off the rest of their upper echelon, after giving away all those very, very nasty secrets they’ve been trying to keep hidden for a very, very long time. And I hope that line is still open for them, so they understand how this timeline of events will go on if they keep acting as though they’ve got as much power and authority as they think they have. Are we on the same page?”

“....”

“That’s what I thought. I’ve lived too long, and as much as I’d love to kick the bucket, joke not intended though I may very well see to doing so in a bit, I’m only willing to go out on my own terms. The Organization can choke on my nonexistent dick and write about that to their mothers.”

“You are extremely crass.”

“I take pride in that you know. My turn again. You got a girlfriend or boyfriend or other thing or something? I’ve met all of three living inanimate people, I’m dating one of them, and I’m pretty sure you’re not dating the other because he’s been not-so-living for a while now.”

“While it is none of your concern, yes, I have a girlfriend. She is the daughter of the scientist who first found me.”

Manny contains his laughter. “Wow. Alright then. Got it. Just… wow, you are too precious for this world. So goddamn innocent and stupid.”

“I don’t believe that was called for.”

“You wouldn’t, obviously. You don’t do much of your own thinking, do you?”

“I’ll be ignoring that.” He takes a sharp turn. Manny follows him around the corner and glances down into the sewage tunnel. Fred glances back up at him.

“I really hope you’ve got some cleaning supplies in that bucket of yours, because it’s fucking gross down there.”


“Neither of us has a nose.”

“Don’t need a nose to have standards. Good lord, this whole thing is fucked to pieces. You’ve got so many screws loose it’s a marvel your head is still on.” He drops down. Fred places his hand against an unseen panel, and the hole closes up. “How much further do we have to go? The more I talk to you, the more I can’t wait to make your face marginally more attractive by beating it in.”

“We should be there in about ten minutes, though I’ve got to say, your negativity and aggression are really bothering me. Could we perhaps spend the rest of the time in silence?” Fred’s tone seemed to finally be shifting, his attention not totally there. Manny guessed his focus was split between his radio and getting where he needed to go. It looked like his words were sinking in somewhere.

“Fine by me, honestly. You’re kind of boring anyways. I mean, it’s not your fault after all.” Manny quiets down and slowly lets his mind drift about. The evening had taken such an interesting twist. He’d honestly never expected to meet another sentient doll, especially a training dummy under the RHG’s thumb. Fred was sort of adorable, in a similar fashion to a brain damaged puppy stumbling about and trying to make sense of the world. You feel bad for it, but at the same time, you can’t help but think “D’aww, you precious little thing.” It reminded him a bit of how he used to be, back when he was first made. The world had been so strange, so surreal. He was of course made with a general understanding of everything; he shared some understandings and memories from his master, enough to allow him to properly fulfill his mission. But there were many intricacies, details to living that you had to experience. But those experiences could very easily be denied in order to use someone for your own purposes. It was what had made Kizu hate humans so thoroughly when he first met her, and what had made their other friend….

He punched himself in the face. No use digging up old wounds. The past was the past; it only held as much power as one allowed it to hold. Learn and grow, that was how developed. Still, he’d let his mind drift too close, and now the gnawing ache in his chest was returning. The futility of everything, knowing that you were essentially eternal and without reason. Manny began focusing on his surroundings once more, dragging himself out of his head. A subtle change had come about the sewage tunnel: the walls. Originally, they were made of a mix of adobe and fired brick, creating a relatively strong and resistant walling, handling a majority of major issues one might experience in a sewer. Now, however, titan brick was being used, though it was made to be given the appearance of the former. And overall superior building material, it was also overly strong and expensive for use down here.

A short time after the wall material changed, Fred pressed his hand to yet another invisible scanner of some sort, as a section disappeared and led to a stairway leading downwards. Fred steps aside and waves his hand towards the opening. “We’re here. Just down this way, and we’ll commence in battle.”

Manny shrugs, and starts making his way down. “They really have way too many secrets. Interesting that they would make a reinforced area in a sewer for a specialized combat area… sorry, ‘killing area.’ Hope they didn’t use taxpayer money. That’d certainly bunch more than a few panties, lemme tell ya. Speaking of panties, that girlfriend of yours. I’m guessing you would qualify as a sex toy, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have a dick, or even a tongue, so what exactly do you two do…?”

He finds himself getting kicked down the stairs. It seemed Fred took offense to that one.

Once Manny reaches the floor at the bottom, lights flickered to life, revealing a plain white room roughly the size of a classroom. Fred makes his way down not too long after, Manny already looking around the tiled surfaces.

“Super strong material, but not indestructible. Metallic in nature with a more marble feel to it. Probably resistant to fire, explosions, blunt force, etc. Small size and one exit-” The door closes behind Fred, sealing them in. “...to ensure the inability to escape, even in the potential event the victim manages to survive the whole ‘killing’ process, and it’s likely got a similar invisible panel in here somewhere. Gotta admit, it’s pretty classy. I’m almost impressed; might see if I can get one installed at the Night Creatures HQ.”

Fred places his hand to his head. This time, however, it wasn’t to listen in to some instructions, but rather it was out of exasperation. He’d had enough of Manny for a lifetime, but he’d have to keep dealing nonetheless. At the moment, there was no escape for either of them. “So, I’ve been given instructions to kill you.”

“Fair enough,” Manny says, not batting a metaphorical eyelash. “Good luck with that though.”

“I was getting to that,” Fred says back quickly, his anger showing. “I’ve been given instructions to kill you. In the event I’m unable to do so, however, I am to release you while offering you a an address you may wish to visit.” As he speaks, Fred types at an invisible numpad on the wall. A section immediately springs out, a variety of weapons appearing. Fred grabs a simple longsword and a M&P9 Shield. “That said, however, I don’t have the means to kill you, so I’m to incapacitate you in such a manner that escape becomes impossible. Since we’re similar, I’ve a relatively good idea how to go about just that.”

Manny grins broadly. “You do, do you? Lemme tell ya, kid. You don’t know dick about nothing. Bring it on.” Holding his pickax forward, he mockingly waves to the bucket-headed dummy, encouraging him to attack.

He gets a bullet between the eyes. “I know that won’t stop you, but it feels no less satisfying.” He shoots Manny several more times until the gun runs dry and Manny is on the ground before putting it back into the wall, closing off the weapons. Taking the sword in hand, he watches as Manny leaps back to his feet. Rather than attacking, however, Manny goes to the wall behind him, looking at the bullets as they lie on the ground, spent.

“Not even a mark on the wall. This place is built pretty decent, yeah. Now, time to kick your ass.” Without warning, he throws his weapon towards Fred, who reflexively knocks it aside with his sword. Using the window, Manny runs up to the training dummy, using the small space to his advantage as he cracks his counterpart across the jaw. Fred’s head twisted with the blow, but not considerably; Manny’s punches were light after all, even with his gloves. Fred’s blue eyes met his black ones as he brought his sword up and cut off Manny’s arm and kicked him away. Manny, not deterred by the exchange, rushes back towards Fred.

Fred adjusts his stance, bringing the sword up and beside his right shoulder. Taking a fake breath, he thrusts towards Manny, who dodges easily. The move was a feint however, and Fred adjusts the movement from a thrust to a slash, taking off Manny’s other arm. Without arms to put up any resistance, Fred takes a swipe at Manny’s head.

“Whoa, whoa, the guy with a bucket on his head actually knows how to put up a decent fight! Color me surprised.” Manny gives him a big goofy grin. “If you were smart, you might actually be a bit dangerous to me!”

“You’ve no arms, and your body is softer than mine. Even if you’re faster, neither of us gets tired. It’s simply a matter of waiting for you to make a mistake.” Fred begins advancing on Manny, sword held before him menacingly.

“See,” Manny says, casually kicking at the ground. “Against a normal opponent, you might be right in thinking that. However, recall, you and I are not built equally, nor at similar times. You’re stronger, yeah, and heck, maybe you’re more skilled. An important fact though…”

At that moment, Fred fell forward, one of Manny’s arms having wrapped itself around his legs. The other, awkwardly wielding his pickax, smashes it against the bucket, disorienting the young dummy.

“...I’ve been in a lot more fights with a lot more powerful beings. I’m also really good at moving every part of my body, even when it’s not all connected proper. You’d think being a dummy, you’d know that?” Manny gives him a proper kick to the head, further messing with his ability to function, crouching down so his arm can reach into his pouch and pull out the sewing kit. Within a few seconds, his arm was back on, good as new. He stands atop Fred’s back, grabbing his pickax and smashing it into the bucket-headed fool’s sword arm.

“This isn’t enough to stop me,” Fred replies, regaining some of his senses. “I’ll simply regenerate.”

“Oh, you’re like Kizu then? Well, thing is, I wasn’t hoping just this would stop you. I just wanted to make sure you couldn’t get up easy. Seems like this material isn’t quite as resistant to piercing, so your arm is gonna be locked there for a bit.” Manny sits down on Fred, and removes his bucket. “Now, it’s really good that you’re the regenerating type. Just means that I can relieve stress longer.”

Making sure he has a firm grip, he brings the edge of the bucket down hard on Fred’s head. It earns him a grunt.

“So, even if you can’t feel pain, you can still get messed up by blows to the head? That’s awesome!” He smashes the edge down again, and again. “That’s definitely gonna earn some extra time. Just makes the whole thing more amusing.” Crack. He smashes it again, then again, then once more. Each strike brings a satisfying crunch with it; whatever material had been used made wonderful sounds. Probably encouraged gladiators to train more. After smacking Fred in the head two-hundred and forty-nine times, Manny let loose a content sigh, throwing the bucket aside. Grabbing Fred’s sword, he gets to his feet and cuts off the dummy’s head. Stabbing it with the sword, he brings Fred up to look him in the eye. “What, that was like, two straight hours? And still no kill squad, how’s that? Man, I really hope they have surveillance in here. I’m pretty sure they’d be reviewing the shit out of it.”

Fred rolls his eyes, defeated in combat but not in spirit. “You may be the single most vile person I’ve ever met.”

“I consider it an honor and a privilege. So, are we going for a round two, or have you learned your lesson?”

“I’ve learned that it’s pointless to try and restrain you any longer. The mission failed anyways, and I’m obviously outclassed. Let me up and I’ll let you go.”

Manny nodded, and putting the head back in place, stands up and grabs his pickax, setting the sword down. It hadn’t been a particularly long fight, but it had definitely helped him take his mind off of everything. So long as he didn’t need to think, this was alright, wasn’t it? Living his days, constantly distracting himself?

Wasn’t this fine…?

Distracted, he didn’t hear the sound of the sword scraping the floor as it rose up, see as it was held aloft. He did, however, notice when he was cleaved in twain. To say he was shocked wouldn’t be enough to properly describe his mindset. The next strike severed the two halves of his head from the two halves of his body. One of the halves turned just enough in the air to see Fred, who glared at him with no malice, no hate. Just an empty gaze that spoke of accepting something, accepting some harsh fate.

“I’m sorry to have deceived you,” Fred says, “but I was left with no choice. You see, neither of us is leaving here. This space is now completely sealed from the inside. Even if I wanted to, I could not let you out. We’re to remain here, trapped together. Permanently.”

Manny’s reply was to spin the half of his body holding his weapon until the pointy end lodged itself in Fred’s unprotected head. Apparently, Fred hadn’t expected he was capable of such, as he put up no form of defense. Hopping to grab the halves of his head from the floor, Manny gets to putting himself back together, while Fred tries pulling the pickax free. Once he was stitched up, Manny looked behind him, his glare fierce.

“So, they think they can just trap me in here with some little puppet on their strings, huh? They’ve finally crossed the line, and so have you. Enough playing nice guy, and enough going easy.” He grabs the handle of his pickax, and he smashes Fred’s still attached head into the wall. He does it again, and again, then once more before he presses Fred’s back to the wall and puts his foot against his chest. Gripping his handle tightly, he pulls until he rips the training dummy’s head off.

Throwing his weapon and the head aside, he grabs the sword again and begins to simply hack. All of his anger, all of his hatred, all of his frustrations. All his stress and grievances, his pain and suffering. Fred’s body lost structure entirely as parts and pieces flew about the room. Still, Manny struck, and he continued until only splinters remained. Still, he wasn’t satisfied. He began kicking everything together in a pile, waiting for the regeneration to take effect.

“If we’re stuck here together, then I’m just going to keep destroying you, over and over, and then I’ll let you pull yourself together to go through it again. And when I break this sword? I’ll just use your hand to get a new weapon. It’s not like I didn’t memorize where that numpad was, or the combination.” As Fred’s body begins to remodel itself, he stabs the sword through the center of it. “I could’ve guessed the bastards at RHG would try something like this for me, but I thought maybe they’d have an ounce of pity for their dog. Looks like anybody and everybody is just a means to an end for them. Look at how much you matter to them. Just like me, just like any gladiator, you’re nothing. We’re all, fucking, nothing.”

Manny walked over to his pickax. Just as he was about to use it to split Fred’s head in half, the door to the room zoomed open, a girl sticking her head in. Tears streamed from her icy blue eyes, ruining her makeup. Her brown shoulder-length hair was a mess about her shoulders. Her clothes looked thrown on in a hurry, as if she hadn’t had enough time to consider what she was putting on before rushing here. Fred’s eyes widen as he sees her.

“Jamie?! What are you doing here! This person is extremely dangerous!” Manny smashed Fred’s head against the ground, effectively silencing him.

“So, I’m guessing you’re his ‘girlfriend,’ huh? The dummy here is right; I am pretty dangerous. And I’m guessing that, from his being fine being stuck with me and shock at your appearance that this little endeavor of yours isn’t ordained by the RHG Organization. That’s a big no-no, ya know? They don’t like people who go against their orders.”

“I don’t care!” Jamie said, stepping into the room. “I couldn’t… I saw what they planned to do. I couldn’t just leave Fred to that! Please… he was only doing what he was asked to. Just leave, let him go.”

Manny glanced down at Fred’s still severed head, which seemed to struggle as best as it could, while his still forming body tried to wriggle free of the sword impaling it to the floor. Manny met Jamie’s eyes, the tears still pouring from them, and with a sigh, he pulled off the head and kicked it to her. She caught it with a touch of panic, but still seemed overall relieved. “Ten minutes. Wait ten minutes before getting out of here. If anybody bothers me, or I even think that you’re trying to play me, then three things are going to happen. First, I’m going to kill you, girl. And I’m going to make Fred watch. Second, I’m putting Fred through a wood chipper and burning the remains before dropping him in the sewage. And lastly, I’m going to kill every last goddamn person affiliated with the RHG Organization. Don’t think I’m joking; my mood isn’t a particularly playful one at the moment.”


Without another word, Manny left. There was nothing else to say, nothing else to do. He’d already let everything out. There was nothing left in him. He’d already let out everything in him. There was nothing to distract him, nothing to dam his thoughts. He made his way to the surface, and slowly trundled down the streets. Enough time had passed that night had fallen. The shadows seemed to swallow him as he walked down empty streets, occasionally illuminated by headlights or a streetlight. As he neared the edge of the city, something pinged in his senses. There was somebody nearby, somebody strong. They were no demon, nowehre near the same, but they could be a distraction nonetheless. He needed something, anything to rid himself of this gnawing emptiness within the pit of his stomach.

They were close, strangely close. How hadn’t he noticed them before? His steps were silent in the grass as he made his way towards the energy source. For some reason, it seemed to beckon him. He drew closer, his hands tightening around his pickax as he moved through a throng of trees, only to discover….

“Hey Manny,” Leoncio said, sitting calmly on a boulder, one leg up. “It’s been a while.”

“Kid?!” Manny sighed, letting his pickax hit the ground. “Dammit, I was hoping it would be somebody to fight.”

“Well, I’m not exactly weak.” Leo leaps down, stretching. “But that’s neither here nor there. I’m back and I’m ready to lead my clan again."

969_DoomsDruid_969
12-23-2016, 01:40 PM
I literally can't give CnC on anything you guys write, because it is all too good. wat do

but in all seriousness, in his "emptiness" arc thing going on right now,this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96MiYk9VYvc) should be his new theme tune.

Also, once I finish my shit, get my act/priorities together and post an actually good version of Alice, then I will want to fight the feline monk guy. Fucking Come At me Bro

Azure
12-23-2016, 01:42 PM
Leoncio is mentioned at the end of this story, and as you may have noticed, he's changed.

Also, anything is CnC for me. Just say what you think.

969_DoomsDruid_969
12-23-2016, 01:52 PM
That would be why I mentioned him then, wouldn't it? :canadian:

As for CnC, I can't think of anything. It's not because I would be a hypocrite, because then I wouldn't try to think of any CnC. I just can't really find any flaws.

Devour
12-25-2016, 01:27 AM
Comments that make sense first:
Your part was a great read. I loved the emotions, the path that everything took to tell the story, the ideas presented... Like how the plan to trap Manny was to seal him underground forever. Though Fred definitely had the opportunity to seal Manny inside without being locked in himself :p
I also liked how the savior was Fred's girlfriend coming there against orders. The subtleties of storytelling were awesome. I enjoyed reading this.
For C&Cing such a long story, what I did was read with Notepad opened and I wrote down my thoughts whenever I saw something that I could offer advice and improvement towards. The story was fantastic, so this is just a long collection of general advice:


“That was more or less the problem though.“
This sentence sounds better without the “though” at the end. I'd either say “But that was more or less the problem” or change nothing, but remove the “though.” Try to minimize redundancy.
___

“Fuck moping about,”he says aloud.
Switched from past tense to present tense here. You actually switched from past to present tense quite a bit in the story. I suppose I'd watch out for that.
___

“There are a few screams from those who saw his fall and his brushing it off;”
This sentence was a bit awkward. When trying to join two parts together like this, try a descriptive phrase to make the 2nd part its own thing. Perhaps something like, “from those who saw his fall, and his apparent lack of care to what just happened” for example.
___

Sometimes when people are speaking for long periods at a time, I like to break the dialogue with a small segment of what the speaker does in between breaths or some such. Unless someone's reciting a prepared speech, the speaker or the person he's talking to will likely have a reaction of some kind before he's finished talking. For some paragraphs of dialogue, they were quite interesting and colorful. But with none of these breaks between the dialogue, it left me imagining Manny saying his whole speech while standing in one place, while Fred just watched with little reaction. If you read my battle with Piston that I posted just now, I do these breaks a lot (and maybe too much) with my dialogue.


I would also work on making the dialogue flow a bit more smoothly. Lots of what people said didn't seem natural, or how people tend to speak irl. I'm not really sure how to give an example of this, except that good dialogue has a sort of rhythm to it. It should be easy to read out loud, written in the same manner that people tend to speak. The dialogue in this story was great and quite entertaining, so this is just a general improvement that I suggest.
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Another random piece of advice while I'm reading: Try to minimize using “and” after a comma. If it's avoidable, then use an alternative since it's technically bad grammar and sounds kind of awkward.
For example, you can turn “He smashes the edge down again, and again.” into “He smashes the edge down over and over again. The upside is you can use “over and over and over and over and over” without the words growing dull as fast. It can be great for enforcing brutality.
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“And I’m guessing that, from his being fine being stuck with me and shock at your appearance that this little endeavor of yours isn’t ordained by the RHG Organization.”
Just pointing this part out as well. The two ideas are conjoined messily in this sentence and I got tripped up reading it. I could write up an alternative that flows smoothly if you want an example, but you could probably do that yourself. I gave advice to this problem a few paragraphs up.