View Full Version : Steam (Piston1937) VS Raelia d'Autriche (Ciel)

01-01-2017, 01:12 AM
I'd like to thank Piston for taking the time to finish his half of the battle despite being in Florida.


Steam can be found at: http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?101305-Steam

Raelia can be found at: http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?101536-Raelia-d-Autriche


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
~William Congreve

Steam looked at Raelia who sat on the edge of the cliff looking out on Stickpage city.

“Well I am here and ready for our battle.” *Steam said pulling out a cigarette and sticking the unlit end in his mouth. *Steam smiled and walked over to join Raelia not bothered by the temperature change freezing winter to warm spring.

“Why do you want to battle?” *Raelia asked looking at the city’s lights and the lights of the millions that lived there.

“Philosophically or personally?” *Steam asked,


“I fight because it was what I was built to do so basically.”


“Oh well Points for trying right.” *Steam raised his hand and in them was Raelia’s panties. *Raelia was speechless for a second.


“Trade secret.” *Steam said pulling out his pistol as the temperature rose about a hundred degrees. *The snow melted and the grass started to wither and die.
“How dare you.” *Raelia growled as her throat began to dry up. *Steam was surprised as his gun melted in his hand.

“Damn you are pissed off.” *Steam charged at Raelia. *She sidestepped him almost too slow and Steam tumbled off the cliff. Realia slid down after him. *Steam landed on the ridge below and looked at Raelia sliding down after him. *He looked over the edge of the ridge and smiled. *Raelia caught up and glared at Steam.

“Give them back.” *Raelia demanded. *Steam smiled.

“Catch me and maybe.” *Then Steam jumped off the cliff. *Raelia’s anger vanished and she rushed to the edge. *Then a giant balloon floated up. *Steam had jumped onto his ship and he was preparing to fly away.

“Oh no you don't.” *Raelia jumped barely making it onto the ship as it floated away from the mountain. *Steam walked down from the helm. *Raelia’s anger reignited as she saw him wearing her panties on his head. *Steam smiled just rubbing it in even more. *Raelia reached out for the water molecules around her and she cooled them down. *Steam felt the water in his body start to freeze. *But then Raelia froze it all in an instant. *This wouldn’t normally be a problem but Steam forgot to open his vents to let air fill the gaps in the vacuum where the water vapor should be. *His pipes popped as the pressure from the empty space broke them. *Raelia charged in while Steam was distracted by his own implosion and kicked him in the chest. *Then Steam started moving again. *He swung his blades at Raelia and she ducked under them. *Steam stopped mid swing and brought his arm straight down on Raelia forcing her to the ground.

Realia was absolutely horrified as she figured out the position she was in. Steam’s arm had hit the perverts jackpot in terms of spots to land, which was right between Realia’s breasts. *Steam smiled happily as if he could die now and he would be happy as a clam. *Raelia on the other hand was three seconds from going nuclear. *And in those three seconds a plethora of things happened. *Raelia’s face went as red as a beet, Steam snagged her bra, and then Raelia went into a sort of Demon mode of her own. *What happened next need not be said because I have not the words to articulate the asskickery that followed the last acts of Steam. *In simpler terms Raelia went apeshit bonkers and Steam sat through it smiling until Raelia kicked his jaw into disfigurement melted his outer shell until Steam was stuck to the deck but half cooled molten bronze and Raelia’s panties and bra burned in the process. *I will still give the win to Steam as all men know this was worth it.

Her surroundings were dark, which was something Raelia supposed she needed to get used to sometime soon. It was like being blind all over again, but this time without Original Sight as a guide.

The non-existent charm of the alleys had nothing to do with its dank appearance, nor its narrow claustrophobic ways. Grime and slick were rare, but the small blessing of cleanliness was not nearly enough to make up for the general lack of propriety in the area.

She resisted the urge the pull the hood of her jacket lower down. Her face was already hidden in the shadow of the cloth; such actions now would only show unease and discomfort. In such an area, everyone would be onto the weak like a shark tracking the iron scent of blood. As it stood, her dark red hair was odd enough - not a rare occurrence, but certainly unusual enough to stand out somewhat.

“Hey, you there! In the white hood!”

Raelia exhaled lightly, pausing midstep- ah. A mistake already. Pausing showed interest, which she almost certainly shouldn’t have done. The crowds parted, leaving her behind as a quick glance through her peripheral vision revealed the speaker to be a middle-aged man standing at the entryway to a rather shoddy-looking establishment. Deciding not to give any other indication that she had heard the man, Raelia waited for the next lines.

She wasn’t disappointed.

“You look like one of them hunters,” the man continued in a much lower tone once he had approached, barely a hand’s length from her. “Don’t need visual to tell, see. But we’re all friends here anyways.” The appraising gaze that landed on her was mildly disturbing, yet she did not react. There was no harmful intent - not yet at least - from what she could tell, and so it was deemed safe to converse a little longer.

“Explain.” Concise and blunt. Surely this man would get the message?

He chuckled, gruff voice coming nowhere close to hiding the slight quake as he spoke. “See, people who come here looking for information all look the same. Hiding away and walking like they’ve some big purpose. And you look just like them. Interesting, yes?” She could see the beginnings of apprehension and fear as they made their presence known. It was good to know that even without being physically imposing, she still had the ability to intimidate.

“Not at all.” was her even, unflinching reply. Raelia tilted her head a little, just enough to allow the man to catch a brief glimpse of dark bangs. “Let us cut straight to the point. They say an exchange is no robbery, after all.”

The way he stiffened did not go unnoticed, but her amusement was concealed from him. “Actually, they say that a fair exchange is no robbery. If you want your information, birdy, then you’d better have something of equal worth ready.”

“Nothing conducted here can ever be fair. And considering that we both know that, we could probably save some time if you would speak.” It was not a lie - merely fact. Her eyes narrowed, once more hidden in the shadows concealing her face. This man was untrustworthy, so there wasn’t a reason for her to be upfront. Perhaps it was time to up the ante… no. Suspicions could arise extremely quickly, anyway. Playing it safe was the better option here, even if it did take more time.

He scoffed. “No can do, birdy.” She watched as he scrutinised her once again, before shaking his head. “Now, if you had a weapon, I’d be asking you to take up them bounties in exchange. But you don’t even carry a knife on you; such a crying shame, really,” his intent as clear as the stark disappointment in his voice.

“The lack of a knife indicates nothing,” she informed him softly, in a tone that betrayed her amusement at his conclusions. “I ask again: will you talk?”

“About?” his tone was guarded now; suspicious even. “I ain’t got nothing to say to a law-abiding person, none at all.”

Raelia simply smiled, a gentle curve of the lips that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “The Metal Demon, of course. Surely the rumor mill has been active?”

“But of course.” The relief that permeated the air was palpable, as the man visibly relaxed somewhat, though it wasn’t by much - he was still very much on his guard. She had assumed, and rightly so, that this was a topic he could speak about. “Still, we should take this off the streets; don’t want people to spy-”

“I simply require his location.” Her voice was even, with no changes seen in her demeanour. Still, those five words were somehow more expressive than they should have been, conveying a tinge of disappointment that was easily picked up on. Or had it something else…?

He swallowed, the realisation of the bigger picture only just sinking in. “That guy... comes and goes.” Even before the man ended the sentence, the fact that he had slipped was so very prominent. At least, it was to her. “But it’s said that his ship’s outside town these days, yanno?” he continued hastily, sounding almost eager to have her leave.

Well, she would acquiesce in his decision.

Raelia graced him with a curt nod for his troubles, before turning to leave. The abnormal chill that had settled the area dissipated not long after, with the faintest traces of mist curling around the hem of her white jacket. The man huffed at the abrupt parting, not in the least disappointed, immediately making his way back to the bar, ready to begin damage control.

Behind him, the damp floor quickly dried up, leaving no trace that it had ever been wet.


“Get me the usual, won’t you?” The casual question came from the gladiator seated in a corner of the bar. The vantage point allowed him a view of every patron in the bar, reducing the chances of a sneak attack - unless it literally burst through from the walls he was leaning against.

Piercing light blue eyes watched the middle-aged barman’s movements as his alcoholic drink was prepared. Steam mused silently about his current situation; certainly, he could do with a distraction, preferably someone of the fairer sex, but hey… he’d take what he could get. Alcohol was also good, and while he did have a brewery and a collection on his ship, drinking a little more never hurt anyone.

The mug was slid onto his table with practiced ease; lifting a hand, the automaton waved in what was supposed to be part-acknowledgement, part-dismissal. Naturally, it came as a surprise when the barman lingered long enough to drop a line.

“Earlier, some bird with a fiery head came around asking questions ‘bout your location.”

Steam stared at the retreating back of the man, before turning his gaze onto the drink sitting innocently on the table. The alleys were dubious at best, with the same holding true for any information that one might pick up in the area. Yet this message sounded different; heck, the barman even sounded concerned!

Something was definitely off here - perhaps it was a challenger from the RHG. Yes, that would be a likely explanation. It wasn’t as if no-one knew that this was one of his favoured haunts anyway, and he would bet that the competitive ones were all for finding out every scrap of information they had access to, and then some.

… He really did need to chill out, didn’t he? There wasn’t a use getting worked up over something he didn’t have all the information on, anyway. A short movement of his right hand allowed him to reach the easily-accessible cigarettes on the holster of his belt. The familiar feel of the wrapped gasoline-soaked wood coupled the light dusting of charcoal allowed the automaton to ground himself. Procuring a lighter from an irate looking patron of the bar, he lit up the cigarette, permitting himself to get lost in the smoke that soon bombarded his senses as he deliberated over his decision.

To wait or not to wait; that is the question.

Or not.

A faint clank hit the air as the metal plates shook slightly with the uneven movements of the dark red figure who had elected to rise. Distracted movements flicked away the ashes that clung to burning wood as Steam maneuvered his way through the less-than-stellar conditions of the bar, trying to ignore the creaky floorboards that seemed all too eager to give way. It thus came as a shock when someone shoved him forwards.

It was meant to be forceful, the automaton assumed, quickly regaining his footing. Not being able to feel pain meant that petty strikes wouldn’t faze him for long, but the sheer audacity… it amused him. A grin that could only be described as shit-eating spread across his features as he chortled, sidestepping the next blow with absolute ease as he turned around to face his challenger. “Really now, it’s almost as if you’re trying not to hit me. I do appreciate the care and concern, buddy, but really, when you’re fighting, you gotta stop being such a nice guy!”

His opponent let loose a guttural roar before launching himself forward, fist drawn back ready to let fly. The primal method of battle had Steam outright laughing; against a bare-handed drunk, his metal frame definitely had the upper hand. “Really, it’s as if some people have no common sense or something. You’d think they would have learnt not to punch metal with their bare hands by now or something…”

The cigarette forgotten on the floor, the automaton dodged the next blow. Admittedly, the blow would have missed him even if he hadn’t moved, but that was what one signed up for when fighting an opponent who wasn’t sober. The battle would be over soon, anyway.

Grabbing the next fist that came flying his way, Steam jerked his arm back, forcefully dragging the man a few short steps forward. Bringing up his left hand almost immediately, he slammed the fist into the other’s chest before he could react.


He could feel all eyes on him - if the brawl hadn’t drawn the attention of the other patrons, then the sound of a rib or two breaking most certainly did.

“Alright, guys - the show’s over. Move along now!” Steam allowed the limp body of the man to fall to the floor, stepping over it in a show of nonchalance as he made his way to the counter to pay for his drinks. There wasn’t any use worrying about what would come, after all - he would rather drown himself in alcohol first and face the consequences later if it really did happen to be someone from the RHG. Plus, the probabilities of the worst case scenario happening were pretty low, weren’t they?

Relighting another cigarette, the automaton left the bar for the outskirts of town where his ship was grounded. Perhaps it was time to dig into his stash onboard.


The ship was a little ways out from the current location at the city’s edge. Anchored to shore, it clearly wasn’t going anywhere - at least, not anytime soon. The dark colour of the otherworldly material reflected the fiery colours of the evening, with hues of red and orange a stark contrast to the deep shade of the blood ore.

Clearly, whomever the Captain was didn’t give a damn about staying inconspicuous, especially with the choice of location being an odd-looking place - not quite concrete yet not entirely natural either. A glance around showed her that said automaton was walking towards his ship leisurely with a cigarette in hand, vaulting the occasional chunk of rock just because he could. After all, he had all the time in the world.

“You’re finally here.” Leaning against a gnarly tree, Raelia decided to inform him of her presence with a simple greeting of a raised hand.

His light blue eyes narrowed upon seeing her, as his strides slowed - enough that he was within a few meters of her current location. A ‘Metal Demon’ who was a construct? Oddly fitting, in a way.

“And who might you be?” Steam raised an eyebrow, wary of the concealment of identity. “I certainly don’t recall ever doing business with you.”

She chuckled quietly, pulling back her hood at a speed that made her actions obvious. A small step forward brought her out of the comfortable shade of the tree, back out into the light. Carmine locks fell messily, and the recognition written on his face was obvious.

“So, I hear you’ve been asking the barkeep about me, lady.”

“And what if I have?”

“Nothing much… only that I can most certainly see why.” The automaton smirked knowingly. He didn’t recognise this particular legacy or the being it belonged to, but its origins, he was absolutely certain he knew. And no doubt, that information was what she was after.

“...I see.” The barest hint of a frown made itself known on her face. She hadn’t expected this to happen. “And I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what it is that you see?”

His smirk only widened as he dropped the spent cigarette, crushing it against the earth with a heel. “Why, certainly. I see a lady in neutral shades standing a couple of meters from me, and in the backdrop is my prized ship.”

Gold eyes flashed in irritation, accompanied by a terse statement. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” The redhead took a couple of strides forward, ignoring the sudden spike of aggressive intent she sensed. “What will it take for you to surrender the information?”

The light blue gaze that stared at her - stared through her - gave nothing away. “Nothing is for free, you know. Still… if you can best me in a battle, consider five questions yours.” His tone was even; he didn’t look like he was joking.

She took only moments to weigh the pros and cons. “Very well.” Deft fingers made quick work of unbuttoning her jacket, just in case he grabbed her hood - she would have a chance to slip out then. “Let us begin.”


She only had enough time to catch the beginnings of a smirk before something slammed into her. Sent flying, Raelia shielded her head as she hit the uneven ground, immediately rolling to the side to avoid the blow she predicted would follow.

Just moments after her roll, a crescent blade sank deep into the earth beside her head. “Do try to keep up, won’t you?” came the chortle, even as Steam pulled his blade out, taking a moment to appreciate its wicked beauty in the evening glow. He watched as she jumped to her feet, closing in with surprising agility.

His light blue eyes followed her movements as she jumped back, blade just barely missing her torso. Something primal flashed in those golden eyes - before a punch coming his way drew his attention. Steam scoffed; he wouldn’t feel that. Deciding to catch the punch anyway, his attempt was foiled when she twisted herself out of his grip, slamming her right elbow into his chest plate followed quickly by a quick forward jab from her left fist.

In the precious few seconds that he stumbled back from the impact, Raelia allowed herself to analyse her findings. There was definitely elements that she could not identify in her opponent, a clear indicator that she would have to be sharp in looking for weaknesses.

“Getting distracted already?” The automaton grinned, “Perhaps I’ll have to work harder to entertain.” A pistol was drawn with incredible speed, the blade having already vanished. Bullets began flying as she took off in an attempt to dodge, flinging a hand in the vague direction of the shots.

Primary area target: lead bullets. Speed: increase. Oscillation: increase frequency. Speed: redirection. Dispersal complete. Layer active. Countdown: 20 minutes and decreasing.

His eyes widened as the metal casing of his fired volley seemingly disintegrated in a matter of moments, before steam flooded the area, blanketing all sight in shades of grey as the boiling vapour cooled slightly, just enough to form what resembled veils of mist. “...did you just…?” Despite his astonishment at the opponent-triggered “Boom”, Steam immediately zeroed in on the last location he saw her at. He might not be able to see clearly, but all his other senses were in perfect order - no doubt she was somewhere close by.

The heat was searing, and Raelia closed her eyes in reflex, familiar burns making themselves known on her left side. Almost immediately, an image formed in her mind’s eye. The odd vibrating cluster to her north took on the rough appearance of her opponent, with the familiar clusters having the more familiar shape of sparse vegetation. So he was approaching, was he?

Primary area target: lead bullets. Dispersal layer active. Countdown: 18 minutes and decreasing.

Palming an amber shard in her hand, she threw it gently, just enough for it to land a few feet to her side. She could not be certain that the rustle would distract him, but if there was any chance at all…

Secondary area target: steam. Speed: decrease. Oscillation: decrease frequency. Cooling complete. Layer active. Countdown: 14 minutes and decreasing.

Just as the cooldown began, jets of steam made their presence known as the cluster she recognised as Steam came barrelling towards her much faster than he ought to be able to move. An open hand slammed into her sternum, blue eyes taking everything in as her breath was cut short in that moment. Automatically, her hand was brought up to the offending limb in such close proximity, slamming it aside with as much weight behind the push as she could afford without losing balance.

Roughly, what she identified as a gun barrel was slammed into her exposed side. Staggering, Raelia hissed quietly as the flickering images vanished - since when had she opened her eyes? - and swung a leg backwards in a wild kick.

Contact was made, but she had no time to celebrate as a tight grip made itself known on her ankle. “Good try, but not good enough.” Snickering as a few stray wisps of steam hit the air, Steam twisted her leg, other hand up and ready to catch the second leg he was sure would come slamming for his head.

Instead of landing securely in his hand, however, the second leg slammed heavily into his forearm, forcing it back. In a moment of shock, he loosened his grip on her other leg, allowing the redhead to wrench herself free. Immediately, he drew his pistol - he had more than enough time for a clean shot.

Click. Steam billowed out of the empty pistol, yet no bullets were fired. “...!” Steam stared incredulously at his pistol. He couldn’t have fired all 67 rounds, could he?

Primary area target: lead bullets. Dispersal layer active. Secondary area target: steam. Cooldown layer active. Countdown: 10 minutes and decreasing.

Taking advantage of this moment while he was still uncertain of what was going on, Raelia closed in yet again, making sure to shield her left side. She hadn’t yet examined it, but intuition told her that a few of the bullets did not miss their mark. Not giving him time to draw his blade, she launched a flurry of strikes in an attempt to force him on the defensive.

Tertiary area target: bronze plates. Speed: increase. Oscillation: increase frequency. Speed: redirection. Dispersal complete. Layer active. Countdown: 7 minutes and decreasing.

She didn’t have much time left, after all.

He was dodging her punches and kicks more easily now, she noted, even as she in turn dodged his returns. Or perhaps it was the fatigue setting in, causing her strikes to become unbalanced and less precise. If she could just hold on a little longer…

“Oh?” Steam was not surprised to see her blows becoming a little unsteady. What he was surprised to see, however, were the edges of his outer chest plate turning to dust. Narrowed blue eyes fixed upon the redhead, taking note of her stance and the gunshot wounds on her left side. So… a bare handed fighter who could disintegrate metal? It certainly would explain his sudden lack of bullets.

Blocking yet another elbow jab, the automaton allowed his blades to slide out from their storage in his forearms. There was no reason to guard; it wasn’t as if she had anything that could harm his skeletal frame should the plate break apart. A smirk played on his lips as he swung the weapon with great finesse, angling it just so that Raelia’s next swing caused her to slice her left arm open. Compared to cutting stone, this was like slicing melting butter - easy as pie.

“Ugh!” The wound was long, but thankfully, not deep enough to hit the bone. The metallic tang of blood flooded her senses as she just barely dodged another slice, this one leaving a shallow cut on her right cheek. Gritting her teeth against the pain, Raelia threw all her weight into a sharp right hook that is followed up almost immediately by an elbow from the left, ignoring the blood that flew in droplets staining her white jacket red.

Quaternary area target: liquid water. Speed: decrease. Oscillation: decrease frequency. Freezing complete. Layer active. Countdown: 3 minutes and decreasing.

An unnatural cold swept through her body as the steady rivulets of blood that dripped down her arm slowed its flow before parts of it solidified, covering her arm in a layer of sluggish plasma and small ice crystals. The freezing would stop her from bleeding out so quickly, but it came at a price: the blood from her open wounds weren’t the only things that was slowly freezing.

Her breath was now coming out in thin white puffs, her vision blurring for a few moments before bringing everything back into uncannily sharp focus, just in time for her to dodge a rightward swing.

Steam tch’ed quietly as his blade was dodged. His gaze missing nothing, the automaton pulled back his left arm for a second swing - only to find that his downward swing dodged once again. It’s freezing over. Could she be affecting my boiler? But wasn’t her ability disintegration?

His speed was slowing gradually, as was hers - him from the ice slowly gathering in his boiler, her from the injuries sustained. The connecting edges all reduced to dust, the lone plate fell to the ground with a thunk that was covered by the roar of a second engine.

Gaseous steam billowed from open valves, venting the automaton even as he darted forward at speeds much higher than his usual, leaving her no time to react. Crescent blades flashed crimson in the light of the setting sun as Steam stopped his blow a mere centimeter from her neck. “It looks like my win, don’t you agree?”

“...indeed, it is.” Disappointment coloured her tone as Raelia allowed the layers to disengage. The bullets wouldn’t return, nor would the edges of the plate reform, but at least the ice formed would melt. Gold eyes followed his movements as Steam retracted his blades, storing them once again before offering her a hand to help her up - an offer that she accepted with dignity.

A quick examination of herself revealed several more wounds then she remembered attaining in battle; shallow cuts and the occasional gunshot wound decorated her under the sluggish streams of blood. Her gaze took in Steam’s marginally better condition, with the occasional splatter of blood that wasn't his decorating his mostly-unharmed dark red frame. She frowned, unhappy with the outcome.

Loud laughter broke into her train of thought. “Amazing. I had imagined your ability to be disintegration, but that guess is apparently off the mark.” Steam grinned at her. “I don't suppose you were intentionally aiming for my boiler?”

Raelia hesitated, uncertain of how best to answer. How did one answer casual questions from someone they just lost to? Or was he simply fishing for information? “I hadn’t known about that… I just didn't want to bleed out."

“Hm.” Steam pondered for a moment, before shrugging. “Well, that's always good to know.” He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “Tell you what. I’ll just say this: whomever it was, they must have cared for you.”

Raelia stared at him for a few moments, before a small smile made itself known on her face. “I know.”

01-01-2017, 01:25 AM
(Prepares for shitstorm coming his way)

Hey I just realized this is the first battle of 2017


01-01-2017, 07:39 AM
piston: wtf
ciel: gr8 story m8.

but I still call bullshit on the ability to add targets on top of the cooldown.

still gives you alex unsealed powers.

But gr8 story though.

01-01-2017, 08:14 AM
Piston: My best advice to you would be to read a good book, or some of the good stories here, and emulate how they write and what they do to create their stories. It's something we all do to learn. Writing without learning from other writers is pretty much not possible.

There's a lot of basic things that writers do unconsciously to make their stories read well that aren't being done in your part. I'd have to spend a long time explaining that, which I don't have time for atm. But the lack of those things makes it hard to get immersed into the story and therefore to enjoy it.

As usual, I loved the ideas that you had and I laughed at some parts. You just gotta work on the foundations.

I'll give Ceil C&C when I have time to. I shall be back, but also my vote goes to Ceil.

01-01-2017, 02:08 PM
Yah I will I am taking a brake from this going to the library and drowning myself in stories. Plus I will have a fresh new fighter to use when I get back.

01-01-2017, 05:16 PM
Heck of a debut, Ciel! I liked the introduction of both characters, and the plot had a good flow, even if it's a little tricky for me to wrap my head around what Raelia's powers are. It did feel like something was missing though, some piece of information and everyone was just being vague about it. Reread some bits but couldn't figure it out. Is she looking for someone you'll reveal later, I assume? I don't know, but the way it was presented it felt like I was supposed to know what the thing was, so not knowing it mentally tripped me up, and botched the flow a bit by my constant check backs to make sure I wasn't missing things. I don't know. Surprises are fine, and keeping cards close to your chest is fine, but if that ace is common knowledge, at least a clue about what it means to the character would go a long way.

The ending stuck out to me as odd as well. I get the deal was for her to win to get her questions, but if I get into a fistfight with a guy, and we don't end on garbage terms, I'm gonna bring them up anyway. Especially if it's important. On the flip side, if I win, I don't even know what my motivations are for not giving the answers to the questions would be. If I tell you, is it going to get me killed? I didn't seem worry when I saw you, knowing fully well what it was about. Basically, it's fine to leave your reader with questions, but if what you leave unanswered has them questioning the story, it might be something you should tweak. Again though, very nice battle!

Piston, your enthusiasm is impressing the hell out of me! Yeah, might not want to get into too many fights at once. I saw that Steam's retiring, so something you might want to keep in mind with your next fighter is just fleshing them out a bit. It's fine to have a fight start for a gag reason (I recall using an overflowing toilet, once), but being too dependent on that gag can run you into some trouble. It's like when you hear the same joke over and over.

Another thing you may want to do is connect your stories. Have the events of one ripple into the next in some way. Is there anything Protagonist is trying to gain? Does what he just did accomplish this, or move him closer to his goals? For one thing, it helps with development, which helps with characterization, which helps things from being too cartoony, I suppose.

Which, sorta leads me into my last thing. If someone's in a strong mood, go ahead and define it. Not just in terms of anger, joy, or whatever, but what the feeling means to the person. I'd do an example but... Steam comes off as... rape-y, at times, and considering you used a humorous tone throughout, I doubt me making your lighthearted ending midnight would help a whole lot.

Again though, I respect the heck out of your ambition and hope to see you keeping at it!

01-01-2017, 08:01 PM
(I'll be giving CnC later, I think)

01-02-2017, 05:05 AM
Thank you all for the comments, and I look forward to those from the people who have yet to speak. Every bit of CnC helps, so many many thanks from me.

I doubt I ever specified this on her thread, but technically while on cooldown, Systematic will not work. i.e. no targeting, no nothing. Every applied layer simply breaks if it hasn't been disengaged yet.

(Yes, I will make this clear on her character thread.)

I'm not sure I get the reference, but I do thank you for the compliments!

I appreciate your votes very much. Looking forward to the comments. O w O

Your words are too kind.

Actually, that missing information would only be known in-character due to Steam's background. But yes, I can see why it'd be a problem for readers. It's something I hadn't considered much due to already knowing it, but I see where you're coming from. I'll definitely work on this; thanks for pointing it out.

The ending was a little odd to me as well, considering that I did intend to have Raelia win, but the situation just didn't work out. Somehow, I simply couldn't write a convincing win, and so this was the end result. But again, thank you very much for your comments!

I suppose the most major gripe that I had with your story was a misrepresentation of Systematic, but I might have made it a little complicated and so you really can't be faulted for that. In comparison to your battle with Devour and Katrina, though, the standard of your writing seems to have reverted back somewhat. The story is mainly action, and while there's nothing wrong with that, the plot seems stunted with this. You also break the fourth wall a couple of times in the story, which is hilarious if you do it once or twice, but any more and it gets a little old. I do like the quote at the beginning though, it really does sum up the story quite nicely.

I also thought your first draft and third drafts had quite a bit of potential, especially with regards to expanding plot.

If you keep trying, Piston, you'll definitely improve. Thanks for the battle - and for answering all my questions over the course of this match. I hope to continue seeing your battles on site!

Truth be told, this (to me) was a pretty bad matchup. Halfway through, I realised that Raelia cannot actually harm Steam in any way due to her being weaponless, unless she uses Systematic. And even then, she cannot touch what she doesn't know, and quite a few parts of Steam are made of a material foreign to her. Steam also doesn't feel pain, so she cannot even faze him by striking. I couldn't find any way around this issue other than the freezing, which came alongside the problem of her not being immune to whatever she cooked up. It then became a contest of who could survive the AOE freezing longer, which Steam won hands down. (Also, Ignite at the end simply gave him the win faster.)

I also realised that I made a typo in my half of the battle, and that it was a really stupid typo, but I'm not going to change it. Not yet. (I'll edit it after the poll is closed, if I remember.)

Again, thank you all for the votes and comments. Especially the comments, haha.

also yes first battle of 2017 ahaha why...

01-02-2017, 06:47 AM
Thanks Ceil.