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View Full Version : Steam(Piston1937) VS Ethernu(Sharpiro)



Piston1937
01-04-2017, 09:36 AM
The human stood still, staring into the blue eyes of the animatronic. His hand was gripping a sword hilt, ready to unsheath the blade. The animatronic was gripping the handle of a double barrel pistol. He too was ready to take his weapon out of his hilt. No one made a move, no one spoke a word.

The grass swayed in the wind along with a crimson red scarf. The blue mithril shoulder plate shone dimly in the dying sunlight as if it was an object of last hope. The human’s face was mostly filled with lakes of shadows. Unlike the lakes, his eyes burned with determination, the only light to sustain itself amidst the shadows. However dire the situation may be, they would burn on until the man’s last dying, breath. The man’s blue sweater was unzipped, revealing and white shirt with a Delta symbol on it. Ethernu was a rare name, a name worthy of the gods.

The animatronic outer shell was a beautiful yet deadly shade of red. The shade of red that tell of the madmen’s tales. Through the pipes and gears were decades old, they were well cared for and have not lost the glory that it’s creator has put into making it. Interestingly, the machine along with it’s weaponry was powered by steam. So it came to no surprise that this wondrous work of humanity was called Steam.

There was the smell of smoke in the air. The source was from Steam’s cigarette, one of the only thing that would soothe him. Though the machine was sentient, it was far from being passive. It had left behind a bloody past of carnage only now to be a bit freed from this past.

Ethernu pulled his cap down. The newly positioned headwear created a shadow over his eyes. The sword was drawn, ready to receive orders from the hand holding its grip.

The metal hand drew out the pistol, finger trigger itchy. “I’ll make this very quick, in case you were wondering.” said a smug Steam

Ethernu gritted his teeth. He hated opponents who underestimated him and moreover despised people who don’t care to listen, yet he didn’t attack with rage. He needed to keep calm and at least try one more time to talk.

“I’m sure this was a misunderstanding.” replied Ethernu

“What do you mean misunderstanding? Do you expect me to believe you weren’t trying kill Pupas?” yelled an angry Steam

“Please, I didn’t mean-”

“You tried to kill the wrong person, now you’re going to pay!”

The steam powered pistol fired. Ethernu quickly intercepted the bullet with the blade, sparing him from a quick and easy death. To his surprise, the bullet exploded into steam, sending shrapnels flying. One of them flew and cut the skin where his cheekbone was. Ethernu ignored the cut, he had other things to worry about. The animatronic continued to fire at Ethernu. Ethernu intercepted each with the flat of this blade to defend himself against the shrapnels. He approached Steam slowly, but steadily. After a sixty seventh shot, Ethernu was three yards away from him. He pulled the trigger, but nothing happened, only steam came out.

“Out of Ammo.” Ethernu said, “Sorry but I can’t let you reload!”

He suddenly burst into a rush at an alarming speed blade ready to jab. He wasn’t aiming for the animatronic but rather the gun. Steam found the gun barrel meeting with the sword tip cracking like thin ice before exploding into steam and metal snowflakes. However, Ethernu had no more control, he unknowingly let his instinct take over. As soon as the gun was no more. He spun around and thrust the blade and his arm into Steam’s chest.

His eyes widened in fear and realisation of what he had done. Ethernu screamed in pain as his right forearm burned in extreme heat of Steam’s inner core. He bashfully dropped the morph blade and ripped his arm out of the hole in Steam's chest. Jagged metal cut into Ethernu’s muscle and vein, resulting and a nasty wound. Ethernu tried futilely to regain control, but instead punched the animatronic with his bare hands denting it slowly. His knuckles bleed. Inside he screamed in pain and agony. His mouth refused to open to let it out. Keeping it in his personal hell. He didn’t know how long he spent punching steam until he finally stopped. The machine was mutilated, hardly resembling what the gladiator previously looked liked.

He felt his face, there were slashes indicating Steam had struck back during the attack. When He looked at his hands, they were cut, bleeding, and bruised

“You were right, this was quick.” Ethernu said shakingly

“It’s not the first time I’ve been kabobed”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t try to kill Pupas, I swear.” replied Ethernu “I promise I will pay for the mechanic’s fees. Don’t move Steam, I figure out something”

“Like I have any choice…”

“I did it again.” thought Ethernu, “Here I am hurting others, if he wasn’t a machine he could have died.”

He collapsed on the ground next to Steam, he looked at the ripped and charred arm sleeve of his sweater. The bleeding had stopped but his right arm would forever be scarred from that experience. He breathed heavily, and looked at the present celestial object in the sky, a last quarter moon. Still shaking, Ethernu let out a sigh, “What have I become?”


Ethernu looked over his hitlist. He looked at the last name on the list.

“Steam I think it is time we had a chat?” Ethernu grabbed the slip of paper from his wall and grabbed his sword.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________

Steam on this one fateful day was entered in a drinking contest. He was currently in the semi finals and was as drunk as a robot could be which basically means he was barely functioning and so full of flammable liquid he could explode and take half the city with him. His competition weren’t much better. They looked ready to throw up and as bloated as whales. Steam stepped up to the stand and sat at the table.

After two tries.

Steam looked at his opponent who looked more like a moving mountain than a drunken man. Steam grabbed his first shot glass and held it up in the general direction of his opponent. His opponent did the same and they missed each other but the gesture got across. They both downed their drinks and then the other guy went green in the face and puked in the trash can that had been replaced fourteen times since the beginning of the match. Steam raised his glass then toppled backwards in his chair. His boiler was flooded with too much booze.

The ref decided that the other guy won since he could take another drink and Steam couldn’t. So Steam left the stage drunk as could be and wandered through the city.

__________________________________________________ ___________________________

Ethernu was in a limousine looking for Steam. He had been for the past six hours.

“Damn I guess the rumors are true. You really can’t find him unless he finds you first.” Ethernu gave a rare two millisecond smile at this thought. “No that is just impossible.” Then Steam walked onto the street in front of the limo. The Driver slammed on the brakes but it was too late. The car crashed into Steam and sent him flying into the park. The limo driver rushed out followed by Ethernu. By the time they reached Steam he was sitting up drunken smile on his face.

“Ha I was flying take that physics.” Steam said rocking a little bit.

“Steam?” Ethernu asked just to confirm that this shaking mess was the person he had actually wanted to fight.

“Yah that's me. what you want fucker who ran me over?” Steam said slightly perturbed by the fact that he had gotten run over or at least crashed into by a moving vehicle. Ethernu looked at him not entirely trusting him (Who would.).

“Are you sure?” Ethernu asked grabbing his nose as the smell of fourteen gallons of beer and something else covered the lovely smelling flowers. Steam glared at him and whipped out his pistol faster than even Ethernu could see. Steam forced his pistol into Ethernu’s skull.

“Yes I am Steam and if anyone else thinks other wise I will blow their -hic- brains out.” Ethernu jumped back and the limo driver ran back to his car. Steam stood up smiling he threw his pistol into a nearby rose bush and raised his fist’s. Ethernu drew his sword. It twas this grave setting in which the battle between Steam and Ethernu began.

Ethernu made the first move his blade shifted into a grapple gun and Ethernu shot the grapple toward a tree. Steam watched as Ethernu’s grapple wrapped around a sturdy tree branch and pull Ethernu toward it. Steam put both hands up blocking his face. Ethernu flew at Steam he braced both feet and slammed into Steam who stood solid. Ethernu’s grappler shifted back to his sword which he used to slash at Steam’s arms. Steam ducked and the sword flew over him. Then the world started swimming in different colours to him. Steam felt as his fluid tank contracted and some of the fluid stored in it forced it’s way back up Steam’s throat. Steam puked out a small amount of booze onto the ground. Ethernu was about to bring his blade down on Steam’s back when Steam shut his mouth and a spark ignited. The booze burst into flames and Ethernu jumped back in surprise. Steam got up and smiled a not as drunken smile.

“Oh this will be fun.” Steam said he took a deep breath in and Ethernu charged at him trying to stop whatever Steam was about to do. But what Steam was planning on doing was not what he thought. Steam Exhaled and compressed his fluid tank. Booze flew out of his mouth. Steam created a spark with his thumb and fore finger and he became a flamethrower. Flames spewed his mouth directly at Ethernu. Ethernu reacted just in time to avoid going from raw to well done. Steam moved his head side to side coating the park in a layer of flaming booze. Steam stopped the arc of flames and looked at his handiwork.

“Now this is fun.” Steam said shuddering. A voice in him hopped that there was nobody in there but he was too drunk to care at the moment. Ethernu snuck up behind him a Giant hammer in his grasp. Ethernu brought the hammer down on Steam and Steam moved just in time to avoid being turned into a metal pancake.

Steam tripped on a tiny stone the most insignificant thing. Ethernu raised the hammer again and brought it down on Steam again. Steam rolled to the side and puked into an already burning bush. The booze exploded and sent Steam flying into Ethernu who dropped his hammer as the heavy Automaton collided with him. When they crashed into what was left of a burning tree Ethernu was on the bottom and Steam was sprawled on top of him. Steam sat up and looked around wondering where Ethernu was.

“Did I -Hic- Win?” Steam asked the burning park as the wail of fire engines could be heard in the distance. Ethernu was getting pretty pissed off by Steam now. His blade formed in his hand and he forced it into Steam’s side. Steam’s blades extended on reflex and pierced the ground right next to Ethernu’s face. But they did nothing to stop the blade go straight through Steam’s abdomen. Steam jumped up registering the blades presence. Ethernu sat up and his blade changed to a laser gun. He fired several blasts and all hit Steam. They melted through his outer shell only to have no effect on Steam’s inner frame except warm it up a bit. Steam now less drunk spun around and brought both of his blades crashing down on Ethernu. Ethernu blocked it with the laser gun but Steam’s blades dug into the blaster. Then it shifted back to a sword and Ethernu forced Steam back. Steam spun into a burning rose bush.

CLANG!

Steam felt something metallic in the bush. Ethernu walked menacingly forward his blade dragging in the burning grass. Steam grabbed his pistol from under him and fired at Ethernu. Ethernu didn’t expect this. He cut the first bullet that Steam fired, the second, the third then the fourth bullet made it past him embedding itself into his side.

“Boom.” Steam said and the bullet exploded the shrapnel burrowing into Ethernu’s side. He felt the searing pain but made one last ditch effort at Steam but Steam just backed off and Ethernu missed and blacked out. Steam looked at his opponent and at the glowing sword now laying on the black and red ground. Steam walked around the unconscious body and grabbed the hilt of the sword. Steam felt a jolt rush up his arm and he felt his strength leave him. Then it just stopped and Steam felt his strength return. Steam braced his legs and tried to lift the sword off the ground. The sword didn’t budge. Steam tried again and almost tore his arms off trying to pick the stupid shape changing blade off the goddamn ground but the fucking thing won’t come off. Steam gave up and stormed back to his ship fully sober and not in the best of moods. He had burned down a park possibly mortally injured his opponent which was taken to the hospital an hour ago.

“Okay no more drinking contests for me.” Steam said.


Note from Piston : This was suppose to be put up before the battle with Azure but it wasn't.

Sharpiro
01-04-2017, 10:11 AM
Woah-woah-woah Steam. I think you should take your time and slow down on battles. First Ceil and now me? I didn't know you were that busy. Sorry for adding my battle to your to do list. You should tell others next time if your too busy.

Piston1937
01-04-2017, 10:12 AM
Oh it was nothing.

Actually I was one straw away from breaking the camel's back.

but it was fine.

Sharpiro
01-04-2017, 10:14 AM
you should update my battle part as I finished last minute edits. Also you spelled my name wrong in the poll choice. I don't think it matters too much but people might wonder who sparpiro is.

Piston1937
01-04-2017, 10:17 AM
well I can't change it.

Oh well it was a good fight lets do it again sometime maybe when I shift over to my next fighter.

And now for my favorite question. "WHO HAS CnC?"

Urako
01-04-2017, 02:02 PM
And now for my favorite question. "WHO HAS CnC?"
And this is why I voted for you to be rookie of the year. Fairly good stories on both sides. Of course none are without flaws and here's the CnC you asked for Piston.

First I would like to congratulate you on successfully completing 4 battles successively and 3 simultaneously. It also makes me wonder how well you would do if you didn't rush yourself. Another point of congratulations is how well you seem to be improving. After IgnusBurns, I have one more fight planned, but then i'll try to challenge you and I expect by then you'll be an even match. My last point is that you should keep the paragraph structure you used in this match rather than the ones you used when you fought Ciel and Azure.

Now some general CnC;
1# For starters, you repeat your character's names a lot. A talented writer (Richard) once told me that sometimes it's best to substitute their names every now and then with adjectives (like "the robot") every now and then to avoid repetition.
2# Sharpiro has better descriptions than you. Visual and otherwise. You have been adding descriptions to your fight, but it might be a good idea to add some more such as gladiator appearances. You can follow Sharpiro's example in this regard and it would probably help with general problem 3# as well.
3# Some of the actions are a bit abrupt and the sentences don't quite flow into each other as well. This is one I haven't mastered yet. But if you want to improve, your best bet is to emulate SaulMurphy, RichardLongflop, and/or Alphaeus. (Nitpicky I know but you did surprisingly well)
4# Alcohol fueled fires would spread through the park faster than it did in your story. Almost instantaneously. I only assume you exaggerated when you said he covered the whole park in booze because Ethernu would have died half way through. Steam would live, but only because of his resistance.

Now on an individual basis;


“Yah that's me. what you want fucker who ran me over?” Steam said slightly perturbed by the fact that he had gotten run over or at least crashed into by a moving vehicle. Ethernu looked at him not entirely trusting him (Who would.)

(On a joking note, I assume Leelee would).

On a non-joking note, I'm not entirely sure how realistic the dialogue is. It's not that someone wouldn't swear in the situation or anything like like, but i'm not sure they would phrase it like shown. At the very least, I think you're missing a comma and forgot to capitalize "what".


Ethernu was about to bring his blade down on Steam’s back when Steam shut his mouth and a spark ignited. The booze burst into flames and Ethernu jumped back in surprise. Steam got up and smiled a not as drunken smile.

If he shut his mouth and caused a spark to ignite, wouldn't that mean some sparks flew inside his mouth? Nice plan, but it would likely cause Steam to explode. The same problem goes for the finger sparks since fire can travel back to the source.


But they did nothing to stop the blade go straight through Steam’s abdomen. Steam jumped up registering the blades presence. Ethernu sat up and his blade changed to a laser gun. He fired several blasts and all hit Steam.

Did Steam pull it out or did Ethernu just change it with it still in his abdomen?


He had burned down a park possibly mortally injured his opponent which was taken to the hospital an hour ago.

Lastly, you need to list events in order and less abruptly. A little more detail into the ending would have been better.

Not sure why I voted how I did but that's in the past now.

Piston1937
01-04-2017, 03:01 PM
Thanks for the CnC and I will use it in upcoming battles.

I can't wait to battle you and everyone else.

Sharpiro
01-04-2017, 06:51 PM
One more thing, you put my part as Mechanical Madness You should put my name next to to let others know who wrote it.

Edit: I'm sorry If I am criticizing you so much but it for your own good in the future

Piston1937
01-04-2017, 07:13 PM
I understand.

Ciel
01-05-2017, 06:55 AM
I apologise for battling you at the same time as both Sharpiro and Azure. It did take quite the toll on your writing, and I should have known better orz. My sincerest apologies for that, Piston.

As for this match, I found Sharpiro's work to be a little short. Not a bad thing, but it was quite abrupt. I'd have liked to see a little bit on what happened between Pupas and Ethernu, though. Also, something I noticed is that there's the occasional period missing at the end of sentences - nothing that a proofread won't solve. Everyone makes typing mistakes in any case.

Piston's work has quite the improvement from the previous two battles. I agree with pretty much everything Urako said, and so I will not repeat. I do think that you could try giving the characters a little more depth (something that I don't really do much myself, admittedly). Just as Steam isn't always a drunk automaton.

My vote goes to Sharpiro.

Piston1937
01-05-2017, 07:08 AM
ah but why can't Steam be a drunk I haven't done him as a drunk in a long time.

Urako
01-05-2017, 11:05 AM
ah but why can't Steam be a drunk I haven't done him as a drunk in a long time.
He's usually at a bar, has alcohol on his breath, or is drunk. Most of your fights involve either this, him fighting just because he wants to, and him stealing panties.

I think they're asking you to develop your character a bit more. Alcoholic pervert seems to be his most defining trait (I'm sorry if this is not what you intended) but is stealing panties, fighting, and drinking the only things he does when he isn't moving from one place to another? I think what he's trying to say is try to sometimes show other aspects of your characters other than their main traits. It'll make your characters more well rounded and likeable. Variety is the spice of life after all.

Note that i'm not saying to give up those parts of Steam, just show other parts.

Also, if i'm being too harsh, let me know and i'll stop.

Piston1937
01-05-2017, 11:10 AM
When I am done with Nester or Pupas I'll bring Steam back and definitely change him up just a bit.