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View Full Version : Piston's Room (Testing, QnA, FQA)



Piston1937
04-13-2017, 04:45 PM
Be prepared for anything.




Jett

Name : Jett Archibald Crunto

Age : 23

Job : Media sensation

Gender : Male

Race : Human


Jett is not a normal person. He has a passive ability he has no control over. This ability being a control over luck means that thing will usually end up going in his favor. But this is only when there is a chance. Say you were play russian roulette. He would put the half loaded gun to his head and it would go click. But say the gun was fully loaded. He would pull the trigger and bang brains splattered everywhere. But that takes out everything else. You have to input everything around him. Say the house you are in and is very old. Then a board might fall and divert the gun as he is pulling the trigger. But this also means that if something is one hundred percent certain then he can’t stop it. Say he is going to be thrown across a warehouse. Probability would say that for him to be thrown across a football field long warehouse he would be thrown pretty hard and probably die on impact. Then input what the warehouse is containing. Say someone at some time stored a plush bed in it. Then say he might land on said plush bed. It is all down to chance right? Though this power doesn’t always take the best outcome. He might get his fingers crushed if the board fell on the gun. Maybe the bed has firmed up during its stay. This ability will stop him from dying but not from getting hurt. And it has a backlash effect. Luck can’t be created it has to be taken from somewhere. If he was playing russian roulette who was he playing with? Maybe when the board turned the gun it shot the other guy. Maybe the force of throwing Jett across the warehouse broke the guy's arm.



Jett is an internet sensation by using his passive power to do the craziest deadly stunts without dying. He records these and posts them on the internet and earns a living that way. This means people tend to flock to him expecting something interesting to happen.

His most popular video is the video where he jumped off a skyscraper onto a net 6 feet by three feet.



Jett wears a black hoodie with flames on it. This hoodie is infamous for catching fire in his videos but always coming out okay.(if you touch it some area are charred stiff). He usually wears red sweatpants and shades.



1 As stated above his power doesn’t stop all injury from coming to him.

2 He has a hypersensitivity to light. Remove his sunglasses and he is blinded. But can see pretty well in the dark.

3 His power is always pulling him into the worst places(Aka battles).







CLASSIFIED

AREA 104

NOS : NESTER

DANGER LEVEL : RED



Nesters claws are Sharp yet fragile. If you attempt to block one of two things will happen. His claws will snap off or they will cut through whatever you are blocking with. They are retractable



Nester spit a grey slime at prey in globs the size of an average fist. This slime can stick to anything (Except Nester) and tends to harden to a concrete like hardness in sunlight and heat, or when a high power electric current is applied. There are two uses for this slime creating cocoons and cocooning prey.


Nester can also exctere a green fluid from special glands that are revealed when his claws retract. This fluid exclerates the healing process of any organism and also has a seditive in it. The main purpose in attacking with this fluid is to put the prey to sleep and stop it from dying.









Pronounced “Are-Rick”


Name : Arrick Fero

Age : 23

Favorite song : Bendy and the ink machine build up our machine instrumental

Race : Human

Gender : Male



Arrick has a 2 meter radius magnetic field centered around his heart. He can control this field in any way he chooses from blasting everything metal away to removing tiny screws with a thought.


Arrick got into an accident with a car crushing his arm and he built himself a new one to replace it. It can detach at the shoulder. And the hand can be replaced with tons of tools like a welder, torque wrench, ratchet, grinder, saw, and blow torch.




Arrick has all the normal human weaknesses.


Arrick is not a close range fighter he has no other close range weapons other than his arm and that won’t take much damage before breaking because it was built for fixing engines and cars not fighting.



Arrick has had a normal enough life. His magnetic field had many uses while he was a child. Passed school and now works in his own auto shop w




FIND A NEW NAME

Name : Iris Nicole King

Age : 15

Gender : Fluid (Generally male but can change to female if it wants)

Race : Ink animation

Ability : Controls ink, ink body

Appearance : A bubbly black humanoid mess of ink

Speaks through facial emotions and speech bubbles.

Can summon ink creatures to his aid

Loves to read.

His soul was bottled in an inkwell when he was a child as he was dieing. He is now set to guard a grimoire library for the rest of eternity. He will generally not kill people.

The only way to kill him for any length of time is to destroy the ink well in the writers lounge.

Each ink creation including him can be destroyed. Any lethal blow will revert the creation to a puddle of ink. The ink is then sucked toward the ink well and once it gets back in the ink well it can be used by Inky again.

Inky can also control the ink in the books. If a book is unlocked and open Inky can summon the ink from the pages if he needs to. Or just erase the pages all together leaving you with a fancy blank book.

He has read every book in the library at least once and with his perfect memory he can recite any of them from heart.


Iris was a sick child from birth. His parents were not the best. His mother did almost everything she shouldn’t have during pregnancy and Iris ended up paying for it. He was a tiny disease ridden thing that barely made it to the age of three.

His parents gave up and were going to have him euthanized but a strange man came up and offered a trade. A hundred dollars for the child. They took it not caring what happened to the child. The man took the child and stored his soul in an ink well. The child became ink and the man raised him in the Library. Iris already had a love for books and the library held every story made from the scribbles on the napkin you do every once in a while to the greatest battle waged in this world and hundreds of others.

The man warned Iris that people would come and try and take the books from the back room and that Iris was to stop them at all costs. Then the man vanished promising to come back one day. Iris didn’t much care he just dove into the millions of stories.

Fought off people that try to steal the books using characters from stories.



Inky is well made of ink. He is liquid and so can change his form and doesn’t have much sense of pain.









Pupas

Age : 14

Soul strings

Partially trained as an assassin.

Makes a living fighting in the arena

Has a collections of puppets that are made of bits and bobs that include mismatched armour, cardboard, metal scraps, and decaying human body parts.

Has a real bone to pick with nex corp for killing his family

Can control two puppets in battle at a time or just use his strings to attack outright.

Tends to lean on the non sympathetic side. He will kill if you try and kill him but he won’t just go on a murder spree for the hell of it.

Does take bounties.

Have a thing for cardboard boxes


Pupas sat on a pile of cardboard boxes in the corner. This pile was actually fairly comfortable compared to the average cardboard box. He relaxed in this cardboard throne until it was cut short by the announcer yelling the next match up.

“Pupas and Dr. Fritz.” He shouted over the loudspeaker. Pupas groaned as he got up from the comfort of the cardboard but he had to fight if he didn’t want to go looking through the trash for food again. Pupas looked at his puppets and his strings connected to the heads of ten of them. He raised his hand and they started hanging from the string like meat on hooks. Then he turned and headed for the gate the puppets floating behind him.

Clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk

Went the gate as it rose granting Pupas access into the arena where the Doctor was already waiting. Pupas dropped eight of the ten puppets to either side of the gate and took control of the other two.

“The doctor will see you now.” Doctor fritz spoke more to the crowd than to Pupas as he waved the oversized scalpel he wielded. The crowd went wild at this like he had already defeated Pupas. The announcer said the normal thing good game and all that shit nobody ever followed. The crowd was here for the blood and bruisings.

“FIGHT!” Yelled the announcer. Pupas made the first move forcing his puppets forward in a charge against Fritz who sliced on in half with that scalpel in a flashy way that definitely earned a cheer from the crowd. But he couldn’t pulled the huge surgical instrument down fast enough to get a double kill. Pupas’ hand became a blur as he commanded his puppet. The thrown together marionette got in a solid punch to the guys side before the scalpel cut it to ribbons. Pupas reached back with one hand to try and get another puppet. Fritz took this chance to put on his own offensive. He ran toward pupas and swung his scalpel in a huge sweeping arc toward Pupas’ head. The crowd went silent waiting for the blood to spill forth. But the scalpel stopped a good few inches from Pupas’ head. Pupas smiled. The crowed yelled in fury as it looked like the happy go murder doctor was giving mercy. Pupas’ strings glimmered in the air around him as they held the cutting implement at bay. Pupas felt another puppet in his strings grasp and forced the marionette forward ramming into Fritz with a jagged metal shoulder.






Digit

The following is spotty information because the corps don’t like screw ups. Basically don’t read the censored bits until you need to.


Name = James Arcadia Cross

Age = 16

Height = 6.4

Gender = Male

Race = Human

Bounty = 10 million



Digit was a Hacker of the SCP until he was discovered to have been selling the backdoor into the SCP software. He was sentenced to Death for 17 years. But fortunately for him there was a long line. He escaped with the help of some past customers. Now he hacks SCP, Nexcorp, and WRF Security robots to be his physical presence in the outer world while he is hiding.


Nothing that runs via a computer unless it is futuristic(I am looking at you Mark 01) is safe from this hacker for any great length of time once he wants it.


Digit can power down sections of the city for about a minute before the backup generators kick in. (Once per battle)


Digit uses robots for everything outside of his home. They can’t be traced back to him before the connection is cut. His favored model is the Chamber model from Nexcorp.

The Chamber model is humanoid security robot. It has minimal firewalls and was built for mass production. Digit has access to a small army of these things that are running around the city doing his odds and ends. They are bipedal and have three fingered hands that can be changed out for tools and weapons.
Top speed = 60 mph, in battle 30mph

Punching force = Breaking concrete

The best battle bot in Digit’s arsenal is the SCP’s own Titan Model. This thing was built to battle Rhg’s and win about 20% of the time. They have top of the line security and it took even Digit a whole day to hack one. Since he only has one Digit took the time to upgrade it.

The Titan Model quadruped based machine. It can be bipedal if needed. It’s base width is 7 ft and the legs are like steel pipes a foot in diameter with plated titanium armour. It’s total height is 11 feet. The body of the machine is a like an AT-AT head with 360 degree range of motion three turrets. Two on the sides and one on the head. These main guns fire high explosive shells or high armour penetration fragmentation rounds equivalent to a tank with a reload speed of twenty seconds. It also has four smaller caliber machine guns in the front that fire around 400 rounds per minute. It also has deployable arms of various sizes and uses.




Digit looks at the world as if it were a videogame. And generally doesn’t care of the repercussions of his actions. He is bunt about his opinions and can dig up someone's past and will use it against them.

He knows when he is beat and will surrender if just to save the trouble of hacking more robots.

He personally has a bad habit of breaking the fourth wall via streaming his major battles on his website and talking to us as if we were watchers of it. He also reads the comments of past battles.



Digit looked at the computer screens laid before him. There was a map of Stickpage city and the locals of his bots, the bulletins of every bounty round the world, video game trends, a EU4 campaign, and the stock market. Digit’s eyes zipped across all these screens looking for something interesting. Then a pop up appeared in his game.

“Dammit you piece of space debris!” He yelled at the random occurrence on the game. He clicked the last option and lost a stability point which brought him down to 1 point. Then an alarm sounded in his small hideaway. Digit paused his game and looked at the map of Stickpage city. One of his robot was under attack. He pushed the keyboard and mouse away grabbing his haptic gloves. His screens shifted to the robot's view and Digit was enveloped in the scene.
What he saw was a creepy mix of that alien omega that the night creatures keeps in their basement and the slender man then given the body of a xenomorph. And there were dozens of them. He looked at the one that had attacked his robot. Digit bonked this one on the head and its skull caved in under the robot's force. This gained a lot of attention from the others and the sewer drain became a swirling sea of these creatures as they exploded out from their underground hideaway.

“Well at least I’ll get some good footage.” Digit said groaning at the amount of work he was gonna have to do later. He turned up his music until it was blasting in his ears and so the battle began.

Digit pull





Blank

Blank Erron Te

Power : Perfect control over his body

Abilities : Hardened bones, Heightened reflexes, regenration.

Hardened bones : Blank intakes carbon and applies it along with eccess calcium to his skeletal structure and in turn the makes his bones more like carbon fiber.

Heightened reflexes : By streamlining the nerve system he has lowered the reflex speed to .000001 seconds. He can also directly control each muscle tissue for intricate movements.

Regeneration : Blank keeps a store of cellular energy in himself he can pull on this store to fill in wounds



Michael ‘The Planet Eater’



Full name : Michael Drac Arcadia

War titles : Imperial mage, Arch Warlock, Empire destroyer, Republic hero, Planet eater

Height : 6.2 ft

Age : 26

Race : Human



Michael was born a mage to a peasant woman. His affinity for magic was obvious from a young age. He was drafted into the imperial army at the young age of five and trained in the ways of war and magic. He spent the next three years training and honing his skills. It was on his tenth birthday when he first went to war. He wiped out a whole army with one finger. The spell was later called the Arcadian Storm. That day the Guild of Nancry fell to the Empire. Michael’s power grew and with it so did the empire. At the young age of fifteen Michael was a human weapon standing under the throne of the emperor.

Empire becomes corrupt

Michael destroys the empire

Empire gets replaced with the republic of Randar

Michael goes mad? with power

He gets angry and destroys a mountain range

The world comes after him and michael is defeated

Michael gets banished to a place where he won’t have the power to return



Michael’s magic comes from Auras something our world sorely lacks. Then you come to the types of magic. Earth, Fire, water, air, light and dark. These types of magic form from the area surrounding an aura so say there is an aura in the ocean. It would be considerably more water magic than any of the other types. Now you're thinking what about the light and dark magic. Magic comes from nature. So a healthy ecosystem like say a untouched rain forest creates light magic. While a destroyed ecosystem like a city creates dark magic. Michael draws these types of magic and uses them for spells. Now due to the scarcity of auras and magic on the planet we reside his powers are limited(no smashing cities with his thumb). So take this into consideration before choosing a setting.

Auras form where great collections of life is or has been. So generally all over the world. On Michael’s planet of birth aura’s were hundreds times stronger than on earth. Aura’s are also like muscles in a way. The more they are used the bigger they get.


Ooc : Ignore the title I am sleep deprived.

Snowy mountains = water and earth magic/Dark

Volcano = Fire and earth/Dark

Desert = majority fire and earth/Dark

City = Earth and air magic/Dark

Forest = earth air and water magic/Light

Abandoned factory in the mountains = earth and air/Dark

Ooc : I hope you get the gist.



Michaels’s spells are simple. He takes the magic from an aura that is within a three mile radius. If there isn’t an aura in that range then he can’t use his spells unless he steals the magic from his opponent. He activates his spells by thought for simple things from pelting his enemy’s with things to creating a shield around him. He has to take some action to do more complex spells. It can be as small as making a ring with his pinky or it can be as big as he wants it to be. What I consider a complex spell would be something intricate with many moving parts.

Water magic = Water manipulation, Ice manipulation, Steam manipulation, Changing the state of Water.


Fire magic = Fire manipulation, heat creation


Earth magic = Body strengthening, earth manipulation


Air magic = Air manipulation, gas manipulation, speed increase, electricity manipulation


Dark magic = Illusions creation, shadow manipulation,


Light magic = healing, gift of tongues(can speak any language including animals)



Magic thief : Michael can absorb magic from a target via physical interaction. This process doesn’t remove a mage's power all together but if it goes on for long periods of time then it can begin to impact the targets magical abilities.


Imperial training : Michael was trained to fight in hand to hand combat.






Michael may sound invincible but he isn’t.

He is used to have the power of a god but now that he is exiled he has to understand that he doesn’t have that power anymore. But the thrill of battle makes him forget this fact. So

Mages in his world never really focused on physical strength after basic training. So Michael can’t take that much damage.

Michael is also from a different world. This means his body isn’t immune to the diseases here. So he will get sick easily.

Michael isn’t trained to use any type of weapon.

He also has no idea how to use technology or what it does.




I suck at these

Michael has an iron heart. He has no problem with killing everyone around him be them soldiers or children. Now that he is exiled he is spending most of his time trying to find a way back or make this planet more likable for him. He is also used to a medieval world. He has no idea what a gun or a computer is.



Michael is 6.2 ft tall. Tanned skin. A dark golden hair. Black eyes. Wears a medieval tunic under a white trench coat looking thing. On the back of the coat is the emblem of the Empire and the Republic of Randar showing that he served both. He only has one scar which runs down his left arm from his shoulder to the back of his hand this is what his people call a Mages scar. It is given as a right of passage to become a mage. The apprentice in question creates a blade of pure magic and cut their arm in this fashion. Depending on the skill of the mage the scar will be thinner or thicker. The thinner the cut the more skilled the mage. He also has slightly pointed ears a sigh of magic.


The words of the council resounded through the room. I was to be exiled to a place of where I won’t have the power to return. As if there was such a place.

“Have you any final words Michael The Planet eater?” Said Andora, the high priestess of the Church. This question was stupid not only because I couldn’t speak because of the spells around me but what would I want to say to these lowly rulers. So instead I just smiled. “So be it.” Then The room became charged with magical energy. The air before then seemed to rip apart into a white whirlpool. The guards to my sides removed my shackles. I felt the room grow tense as the world waited for me to make my move. I stepped up the the swirling portal. I reached in and felt the warmth of something on the other side. I stepped through and felt as if I had stepped into a pool of lukewarm water. I enjoyed this moment that I was embraced by this feeling. Then I was forced out the other side of the portal. I felt the warm sun on my back and the smell of fresh grass filled my nose but it felt like something was missing.

“Hey look our opponent has arrived.” Said a male voice behind me. I opened my eyes and saw a weirdly dressed man who had a really big sword on his back. Another man stood next to him, and this one was weirder. His hair was white as silverwood and he had this odd metal contraption in his hand. The second man raised the contraption until it pointed at me. Then a loud bang exploded from the object. On instinct I raised an earth wall and something collided into it. I was surprised how sluggish and weak the magic here was. Then the sword wielder charged forward slicing wildly at me with little to no coordination or strategy. I ducked under his first few strikes and swiped his feet out from under him. He ended up tripping and falling face first on the ground. I snapped my fingers and the runes formed in the air around me. Incomplete



Battles 0/0/0
Availability : Closed until Improved.





Jack


Name : Jack

Age : ???

Gender : ????

Height 6.11 ft

Blood type : ???



Organ hunter

Master surgeon

Immune to most poisons

Only known seller of the drug called “Happy”

“Happy” is a addictive drug. It basically makes the person happy no matter what happens. It numbs pain, speeds up the heartbeat, releases dopamine in the brain, and if used for a month has been shown to have a permanent psychopathic effect on the user and in some cases death.


Uses a synthetic voice.

Wears a black full head gas mask with no visible filter and tinted visor along with a red with black lining three piece suit and rubber gloves

Slender snakelike frame

Sells meth and other drugs including, Coke, Narcotics, Amplifiers, boosters, Marijuana, intelligence boosters, Organs and a series of others(effects vary)

Runs a mildly worn down corner store at the corner of Jst and 21st in the line between the slums and the city named “Runs and Duns.” That has many missing persons cases connecting to it.


All anyone knows about this drug dealer is that he bought the corner store four years ago and has been doing legit and illegal business ever since. He never stops to eat or sleep. Most likely a drug addict as a child and the finder of the wide spread drug known as “Happy”.

Under review




Jack has several knives hidden around his apparel. Each one is coated with a low dosage of N-Dimethyltryptamine. And the point is that he has to get you multiple times with the blades before you start feeling the effects.

Participants reported visual hallucinations, less auditory hallucinations and specific physical sensation progressing to a sense of bodily dissociation, as well as experiences of euphoria, calm, fear, and anxiety.

Ooc : Thank you wikipedia





These drugs can be administered by Jack to himself via small auto injectors.

It can increase the muscle release and tension giving the user faster capabilities.

Long term exposure to this drug can lead to muscle tearing,straining, bone weakening, erection problems and weakening muscles.



This is an intelligent drug it works by increasing the synaptic nerve potential of the brain and increasing the speed at which the signals are received by the brain. This increases the rate of which the brain can input and output information.

Long term exposure to this drug can lead to brain damage, nerve damage, numbness, paralysis and death.



This drug works by releasing the body's natural restraints.

Long term exposure to this drug can lead to joint hardening, death, cranial shrinking, inability to move, fur growth, and increased height and anger issues.



If Jack uses all three boosters at the same time then his immunity to ‘Happy‘ becomes overwhelmed and he enters a happy murder frenzy. He tends to laugh and smiles enough so that you can feel it through the mask.





Jack has a special chemical gas that can induce whoever breathes it into low level auditory hallucination, sense distortion, and visual hallucinations. It looks like a white liquid in the vial but turns to a gas when it escapes a vacuum and coats a small area in a light fog for around a minute before clearing. The main hallucination caused is making the fog thicker, hearing voices, moving shadows, and disorientating the person affected.





Jack can safely use one booster at a time without any major after effect not counting the effects of the drugs. If he uses two drugs the booster time lowers to a minute and once that runs out he is liable to lessened consciousness and or exhaustion. If he uses all three he has a ten percent chance of dieing and or becoming unconscious after the boosters wear off.

The booster drugs last for three minutes at a time with the given dosage Jack injects with each needle.

The Speed booster only increases the speed of which his body moves. It doesn’t mean his body can process the information as fast as his body moves this tends to lead toward simple movements like slicing a dagger or zipping in straight lines.

The drug effect times can stack. It is random whether the drug effects stack and how that works. This is because the drugs weren’t meant to be used together and haven’t shown any patterns among the addicts that use them other than the effects.



Jack is a trickster by nature. He tries to make you doubt yourself in most situations with misdirections and hallucinations. He is addicted to that feeling of accomplishment when a plan comes together so he tends to make a big intricate plan and will adapt it as he goes making it as short or as long as it needs to be.

He is a cold calculating mad scientist that has no problem getting his hands dirtier.

Definitely not a person you want to be caught in a back alley with at sundown.


“Are you sure he is in there?” Asked Ryan, I looked at him and saw the same stone cold face as he always had.

“All the info points here.” I replied. A grubby looking teenager rounded the corner and headed bumped into Ryan bouncing off as if he had hit a brick wall.

“Hey you fucker.” He yelled, One look from Ryan shut him up. He quickly got up off the ground and walked inside. We followed after him.

Inside was a few rows of chest high shelves holding the odds and ends in every corner store. The only thing off was the guy standing behind the desk. He was a tall slender man in a creepy get up. The rubber gloves and gas mask somehow fit perfectly with the three piece suit the guy was wearing. The whole thing was just creepy. The kid walked straight up to him and dropped a wad of bills onto the counter.

“I’ll take the usual.” He ordered, The gas mask freak took the mess of bills and counted it all in a blur of rubber fingers until there was a neat pile of dollars on the counter.

“Your short ten dollars.” Said a dark synthetic voice, The Teen looked at the floor.

“Come on man I’ll get you the money.” He pleaded, “I just need the boosters to get the money.”

“One week” Then the man leaned down and pulled out a bag of pink dust. The teen snached the bag and immeaditaly stuffed his nose in it. He took a deep breath and the dust swirled in the bag. The Teen then started shaking. It stopped a few seconds later and the boys nose started dripping blood. He pulled his nose out of the bag and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

“Thanks man, You won’t regret this.” He said, before rushing out of the store.

“My clients don’t like when the SCP or the WRF get involved.” Jack said putting the money away in the cash register.

“We are here to buy some old fashioned justice.” I said, Before pulling out my gun and pointing it at him. “Now put your hands up and remove any weapons you may be carrying.” I felt Ryan’s presence behind me as his jamming ability activated. Jack’s head tilted.

“Which should I do first put my hands up or drop any weapons?”

“Drop any weapons you have.” I ordered ignoring him, With Ryan any abilities he has are null but weapons are still dangerous. Then there was a small crunching sound like someone stepping on glass and the whole room filled with a freezing cloud of fog. I opened fire immediately, emptying the clip into the direction Jack had been standing.

“It is no use.” said a sweet feminine voice that seemed to be coming from three different places. Then I heard Ryan gasping for air. I covered my mouth and ran for the exit. I slammed into a shelf where the door should have been. Then I heard a quiet gurgling sound from behind me. I reloaded my gun and headed in the direction. Then a knife flew at me from the fog. I dodged it and fire at the direction it came from. From the lack of a sound of the bullets colliding with wood, glass or tiles I assumed I had hit him. Then a shadow moved to my left and I emptied the clip into it. The shadow spasmed as the bullets collided before collapsing to the ground. I walked toward it to see if he was dead. That was when the fog cleared. Ryan was lying there full of holes. Then a slow clapping could be heard from behind me. I turned and saw Jack’s black gas mask staring back at me. He had three bullet holes in him. Two in the lower torso and one in the shoulder area. The blood soaking into his his suit.

“You do know your suppose to kill me not him?” He stated still clapping. I pointed my gun at him and pulled the trigger. There was a click of an empty clip.

“Colt M1911, seven round clip and you fired them all.” I pulled out a new clip and ejected the empty.

“Three point two five seconds to reload due to that freshly fractured wrist.” I hesitated for a millisecond. And that was all the time Jack needed. He ran up grabbed me and threw me through the window with more strength than he should have. The glass shattered and I landed atop a pile of shards. I ignored the pain of hundreds of the glass pieces digging into my back. I tried to get up but Jack was on top of me before I could even sit up. With his foot he slammed my body back down onto the shards. Then he jammed two blades into my hands nailing them to the concrete sidewalk. I yelled in pain as the blades seared like molten metal. Jack got off me and stood up looking down at his blood soaked suit.

“Oh look at the mess you made.” He dug a finger into one of his bullet wounds and pulled the gore coated piece of metal. He studied the bullet and looked back down at me. “Lead coated bullets really?” He said in that synthetic voice that was creepy then now was terrifying. He grabbed my gun from the ground and I looked down the barrel as he pulled the trigger.

Jack dragged the officers body into his store and closed the steel shutters just before the boosters wore off and his right leg and left arm went limp. Leaning on the shelves he made his way to the back room where he collapsed onto the floor unconscious where he stayed for the next few hours.



Jack walked down the streets of the city drawing enough attention you’d think he was a popstar. Today he was wearing his vest instead of suit and he was glad to be wearing it because this vest came with a meaning. A man’s 16 year old daughter had a bad set of lungs and he couldn’t bump her up on the donor list. So somehow he turned up at his shop and paid Jack a substantial sum of money to get her a pair. So jack was on the hunt for a decent pair of lungs. He had his usual places to get organs but today Jack was in a good mood so he wasn’t gonna go kill some hobo and give it to the dying girl.

“Not like she will live long anyways.” Jack said to himself. Even if she got the new pair she had a year at most. But Jack wouldn’t tell her father that. Nooo he was being paid and the customer was always right well until they died of course. Jack then got the feeling he was being followed. He stopped and looked into a store window that was selling dresses. Out of the corner of his mask me spotted a teenager stop and watch him. Things seemed to be looking up. Jack turned away from the cloths store and walked toward the slums where his store was.

Ten minutes later the guy was still following him and they had almost reached his store. Jack had two reasons for walking back toward his store.

It was better for business and the patient's health if you don’t operate on a table than the ground.
It is better if there are few witnesses. Less people to kill means more time to make money and drugs.

On the block opposite his store there was a small maze of side roads which Jack has used on more than one occasion. He turned and walked down these side streets followed after by the stupid boy that had the stupid idea he could beat him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turns out the teenager following him did have a plan to beat him. This teen was named Tim. He was a WRF Officer and had personal reasons for hunting down Jack. His main reason being his sister was a ‘Happy’ addict and Jack kept her hooked with the weekly doses she bought slowly draining her of strength pride and money. Tim was here to fix that all and restore his sister to the smart, loving girl he knew as a child. The other was because Jack was a drug dealer and should be stopped. When Jack turned the corner to the side streets Tim smiled as his prey fell into the trap. There was a snapping sound as Jack stepped into one of several bear traps that Tim had laid out earlier. He walked up and turned the corner to see nothing. He looked on the ground and saw the open bear traps that he had laid. That was when he noticed the light fog around him. He had heard of this fog that Jack used. He immediately covered his mouth and nose to protect himself from the hallucinogenic drug. Then a the crinkle of a soda can being stepped on could be heard from the alleyway. Tim skirted the bear traps but stopped.

“What if that is a hallucination? What if that is a trap?” He stopped and started second guessing. If that was a trap then Jack would be hiding on the other side with something ready. Tim carefully walked to the other side of the alley ready to ambush Jack. Tim went invisible and walked around the corner. Jack was standing there waiting for him. Time seemed to prowl on like a lazy cat as Tim circled Jack trying to get behind him.

I am invisible. He can’t see me. Tim repeated in his head in an attempt to stop himself from losing focus. Tim got behind Jack and got him in a choke hold.

Unfortunately Jack saw this coming and grabbing Tim’s arm he twisted flipping Tim and then slamming him down on the concrete.

“You do know your sister could turn see through too?” Jack stats putting his foot down on Tim’s throat cutting off his airpipe. “She tried to steal from me once and if it wasn’t for that big pile of cash and gold your family has stored away she would be dead.” Tim grabbed Jack’s foot in an attempt to escape blacking out. But Jack’s foot just pushed down harder and Tim’s head began swimming. Then Tim finally blacked out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Apparently she will make a full recovery.” said the nurse, Looking down at the father knelt down at her daughter's side crying from happiness.

“Thank you.” He answered through a wall of tears.


End



Battle availability : Come at me

0/0/0/0




Name : Wilson D. Carter

Age : 25

Gender Male

Race : Mostly human



Shadow Host : Wilson is a Shadow host. This means his shadow is a living thing.


Devourer : There is a hole in the middle of Wilson’s chest. It has teeth. It devours things. Think of it as an extra mouth except it pukes out shadow monsters.


His shadow : His shadow is alive. Wilson can command it but that doesn’t mean it will listen. It can attack other shadows and that will reflect on the owner of the shadows body.




He has black hair that looks like a fire on his head.


Wilson’s biggest weakness is light. It tends to weaken him and his shadows.

His shadow can attack other people but the opposite is the same. If his shadow gets hurt then Wilson gets hurt.





Name : Uro Dynamo

Age : 18

Gender : Male

Height : 5.7

Race : Human





Dynamo is a technopath. This means that he can communicate with technology as long as he is touching it. This can be used for looking through a computers programing as well a


Dynamo is also a techno kinetic. This does not mean that he can control any technology just from being near it. It means any technology he uses is boosted. Batteries last longer, magnets are stronger, computers are faster and so on.






Dynamo has an actual hoverboard. Like from back to the future and not one of those shitty wheel things. It is powered by a fusion battery that will last until the turn of the next century. It works by pushing off the earth's magnetic field. It also has deployable fins which are there as heat sinks or that pesky situation where you are falling off a building and need the wings.

Though this hoverboard has many more uses than just being transport. The magnetic propulsion system is strong enough to stop a bullet in its track and Uro afixed a strap to the board part so it could act as a shield. The fins become useful here giving the shield extra surface area.

It also has a laser blaster in the front of the board. The laser takes all the power the board can handle and is the main reason for the heat sink fins. It can fire one shot every twenty seconds and tends to melt almost anything in its way but can be adjusted on the fly to be just a fancy laser pointer and anywhere in between the two.

If anyone other than Uro uses the board it will most likely short circuit or explode.


Dynamo also has a singular glove this glove allows him to recall his hoverboard from a three mile radius. It also works to protect his hand from the heat of the board when he fires the laser as well as work as a 3000 volt taser if it touches you. Though it can also do the opposite as in absorb electricity






An average 18 year old with tan skin almost neon green eyes with dark brown hair. He wears a grey leather jacket, white sweatpants and goggles and his glove. The glove is white and has a disk on the back which is the connecting point.


Take a black metal longboard. Remove the wheels and add those tesla thrusters the Nebuchadnezzar's tesla hover plates to the bottom(small versions of course). Add glowy cables covering most of it and then voila.




Ho-bos don’t work on water. Unless you got power.

(Don’t get it then watch “back to the future”) And no the laser doesn’t count because lasers have zero recoil.


His board is fragile. If it slams into something too hard then it will most likely break something. So attacking the sides where the magnetic field doesn’t extend to is your best bet. Unfortunately this is where the hardest part of the board is. So go at it with a sword or something that can crack carbon fiber.


The magnetic field is just that a magnetic field. The magnetic field affects plasma, metals, antimatter and anything else magnetic.

Try throwing rocks at him they are great weapons as long as they have no metals in them.


The charging process for the laser takes five seconds. In that time the magnetic field will be down.

The fire rate is due to cool down.


If a piece of technology is extremely complex. Like Cap Kat’s suit or Mark then communicating with it will distract Dynamo for a second.



Dynamo is a thrill seeker. He does crazy stunts battle people way out of his league and generally is very flashy. He is a joyful person to be around when he isn’t being a smart ass about mechanical engineering. And he hangs out in the dump. Specifically the giant pile of thrown away machinery. He does stunts and practically lives there minus the fact that he sleeps in a motel in the city.

Likes to listen to songs while doing stuff. His favorite song is Derezzed by Daft punk. (He will listen to this song on repeat for a week at a time before changing to some other song on the tron legacy track.)


Dynamo laughed. He laughed so hard his chest felt like it was about to burst.

“Wow that was the stupidest fail I have ever seen.” Jess said giggling at the sight of Digit on his ass his board flipped upside down.

“Bet you twenty quid neither of you can do it” Digit challenged, as he got up and picked up his board.

“Each?” Jess asked, James pulled out a wallet and two twenty dollar bills sat there on the box.

“Challenge accepted.” Dynamo accepted, He grabbed his board and looked at the bowl. Digit pulled out his computer and started recording. Uro leaned forward and his board went into the board gaining speed at a great rate. Then the upward half took him and over the lip he went. Time seemed to slow down as Uro went airborne. He slipped his foot down and pushed the board until it left his feet spinning around and around like a top. Then the downward arc came. He gripped the board with his foot and spun to face the ground. And with a clean landing time sped up. Applause came from Jessica and the unbelief emanating from behind Digits mask was almost palpable.

“Now where's my twenty quid?” Uro gloated coming to a stop at the bottom of the bowl. Then James’ computer buzzed. James stopped disbelieving and a the lights on his mask formed exclamation points.

“Well you have been accepted into the RHG system.” He stated,

“Wow that form you sent in forever ago finally got to them.” Jess was excited that Dynamo was joining the RHG system. For one Gladiators got ten percent off at some places and two she kinda guessed that Dynamo was made for more than just skating around and living off junk creations he made from scraps. Uro ran over and looked at the laptop screen. There was a small window stating when and where his ranking would take place.

“5:30pm, Arena 3” He repeated, He looked at the time and saw he had an hour to get half way across the city. “Well guys wish me luck.”

“Good luck.” Digit said waving him away from his computer. Dynamo turned to leave but Jess grabbed him by the collar and pecked him on the cheek. Uro not expecting this almost fell off his board.

“Good luck.” Jess whispered, Uro looked at her before turning and flying off down the streets. Jess sat down and literally heard the beeping as Digit’s mask did the rolling eyes.

“Just friends huh?” Digit prodded, But one look from Jess told him to back off or bad thing would happen.


Dynamo reached the arena just in time. He slid up to the office.

“Um I am Uro Dynamo. I am here for the ranking?” The lady behind the glass looked at her computer screen and back up to Uro.

“Down the corridor turn right at the end and your third door on the left.” She answered, with a smile that you get when you know someone hates their job yet it pays to good to stop. Uro followed her directions and entered what seemed to be an interrogation/medical examination room. Three men and a woman all in lab coats stood around chatting until one of them noticed Uro had entered.

“Oh hello you must be Uro Dynamo?”


“Yes that is me.” Uro said, a bit confused about what to do.

“Great we have a few questions and then we can begin.” Said the women, The next fifteen minutes were spent answering questions about himself, his abilities and his board. Once that was over they measured him and did the normal doctor check up things before giving him a card with all that data condensed down into a 2 by 5 note card with fancy colors. But after all that boring stuff they led him to a big room that could have easily fit two olympic sized pools and have room for a decent garden afterward. In the center of the room a girl about the same age as Uro stood. She had a fancy pair of gloves that she adjusted about ten times during the minute it took Dynamo to float to her.

“Hello My name is Uro?” Uro held out his hand.


“Tess.” She said, pointedly not shaking his hand. The speakers in the room picked the next moment to turn on and put out that loud.

“Constant 219 and constant 231 get to the starting positions.” Two circles light up on the floor. Uro walked to one and Tess walked to the other.

“Begin.”

“Okay so how are we going to….” Uro started to say, But Tess had other plans. She charged forward at an amazing rate. She pulled her arm back and punched Uro before he could even get his shield up. Uro was sent flying backward and landing on his board used the momentum to do a one eighty and come straight back at her. However she was already charging for him again. This time Uro was ready. He kicked his board up and out from under him.grabbed it and flipped it over skidding to a stop before her fist impacted the magnetic field. Both stopped in their tracks as propulsion from the board created a small barrier between them. Uro used this moment of confusion and fell down and kicked her legs out from under her. Tess fell onto her side and she reached for his legs. Uro didn’t see this and as he brought his shield up to knock her out. She grabbed his leg and Uro felt like he had been hooked up to a car battery as electricity shocked through him. Though in that instant he learned what the gloves were. They were basically switches for a huge power source. Uro dropped his board which fell on her arm. She instinctively drew her arm back to avoid it being crushed. Jumped back and away from her.


Name : Jessica Harth

Age : 18

Nicknames : Jess, Harthy

Story : Jessica is a city girl with nothing special about her. She meets Dynamo at the skatepark most everyday after school. She is a master with a board and likes to show off.

Appearance : 6.1 feet tall. Average build. Ginger hair. Mismatched eyes(The right one is sea blue and the left if a golden brown.). Wears sports bra’s and or t-shirts with baggy cargo pants when skating in the park. Would never be caught in a dress dead or otherwise. Her skateboard is grey with Jess spray painted on in red.




Name : James Andrew Cross

Age : 19
Height : 6.5

Nicknames : Jack, Jam, Digits, Mask.

Story : James is one of Jessica’s oldest friends like going back to preschool. He vanished for a while during high school then reappeared sometime after she graduated. He is now apart of their daily group that meets at the skate park. He is a computer whiz which earned him the nickname Digit.

[b]Appearance[/] : He usually wears a black mask like the guys from watch dogs 2 it conveys facial expressions. Does nothing about his dark hair. His skin is pretty pale but not deathly so. Wears long sleeve shirts no matter what the temperature is outside. Always carries a laptop around in a grey bag. And wears loose fitting sweatpants. His skateboard looks like a mother board.




Name : Iris
Species : Dungeon core


seven



Slimes

A basic unintelligent mob.

These are balls of slime with a magical spherical core in the center.

They roll on the ground and jump at enemies.

Their slime body is basically a big stomach that can digest almost anything.

Damage the core and you destroy the slime.

Weighs no more than 5 pounds




A basic healing herb.

Long strip like leaves that can act like bandages.

If boiled they can cure basic poisons.




Holes in the ground covered by thin covers of stone that will shatter as soon as any weight larger 10 lbs.




A stone dome like room that is about three meters tall.

There is a pedestal in the center where Iris’s core (2 inch diameter ball of obsidian with a pulsing light in the center) sits

Iris can create a body of stone around his crystalline body.

This body is made of stone so is very tough yet it can only move at a normal human speed.

Iris will surrender and offer a trade of a small purse full of gold for his life.

If you take the trade go to the chest at the bottom of his pedestal where the stone box is and take the gold. If you don’t then smash Iris’s core and that will kill him. The shards of a dungeon core can be used as magical enhancers.

Piston1937
04-13-2017, 05:16 PM
moved it

And I am putting Pupas here so I don't forget him. He is my next project.

Chromium7
04-14-2017, 05:30 AM
i think that if a character has earned the nickname of 'planet eater'
they are overpowered

Piston1937
04-14-2017, 08:17 AM
i think that if a character has earned the nickname of 'planet eater'
they are overpowered

Sigh

Read him and then tell me if he is overpowered.

Urako
04-14-2017, 08:38 AM
i think that if a character has earned the nickname of 'planet eater'
they are overpowered

IMO it's just a title. The problem is if the gladiator lives up to it.



Michael was born a mage to a peasant woman. His affinity for magic was obvious from a young age. He was drafted into the imperial army at the young age of five and trained in the ways of war and magic. He spent the next three years training and honing his skills. It was on his tenth birthday when he first went to war. He wiped out a whole army with one finger. The spell was later called the Arcadian Storm. That day the Guild of Nancry fell to the Empire. Michael’s power grew and with it so did the empire. At the young age of fifteen Michael was a human weapon standing under the throne of the emperor.

Empire becomes corrupt

Michael destroys the empire

Empire gets replaced with the republic of Randar

Michael goes mad? with power

He gets angry and destroys a mountain range

The world comes after him and michael is defeated

Michael gets banished to a place where he won’t have the power to return
Okay, I admit the backstory is legitimate, but the single sentences probably could and should be expanded on if you can. The only real question I have is why did the world unify themselves to go after the guy who destroyed a mountain range?

Concerning the whole aura mechanic, it is a bit much for your character to have 6 different elements. I suppose it's okay being usually restricted to 3 or 4 (I for one have no problem fight a mage who controls the four Greek elements). However, if you want to control multiple elements, they can't be as strong on their own as the powers of someone who specializes in one element. It's a trade-off power for versatility. For example, if your character were to fight a pyrokinetic, his fire manipulation would have to stronger than your character. Probably much stronger because you have at least 3 different powers per location while he only has one.

Speaking of the location system, it's a bit complicated and the truth is you haven't covered all environments. You might want to deal with that on a case by case basis.


This spell is Michael’s final move. It only requires enough magic to start off which isn’t much. It works by converting the target area to mana. So all life in the epicenter from bugs to gras are converted to magic which powers the spell. Though Michael won’t use this unless he has too. It also doesn’t work where life isn't plentiful. So say you activate the spell in a city. It will convert the human life there into magic and power itself. But activate it in a barren wasteland there isn’t enough life to power the spell.
Why can't he just convert his opponent into mana then? Also, the last three sentences are contradictory. Does it work in populated areas or not?

Imperial training : Michael was trained to fight. He can use any of the following weapons sword, shield, bow, fists and crossbow. He is still dangerous without his magic.
It's okay to have a side-weapon, but you really really shouldn't overdo it. Is he actually carrying any of these and if so, which ones? (His fists are obviously with him at all times but the others I don't know)

The Blessing of the Faru : This is a certain enchantment that keeps Michael alive. Whenever he gets killed this enchantment activates and brings him back to life.
Okay, i've read the weaknesses section, but I still have to ask because there's not many gladiators who won't try to kill a "villain". Outside of special circumstances, how are you supposed to beat this guy?!


The Blessing of the Faru takes time and is painful. So say you cut him in half he will die then one of two things can happen. His body will attract the other part and he will reform. If his body can’t reconnect. Then the biggest part will regrow the rest of his body. Bullets and other projectiles will be expelled by the fastest route whether this be up through the throat or through the digestive tract it doesn’t matter. Also this spell will only activate when he dies. You can bring him to the edge of death but as long as he doesn’t die then he won’t regenerate.
My point still stands. He is essentially invincible no matter what it takes to activate this power.


He also can run out of magic fast. If they are big spells then he has at most three uses before the Aura runs out of magic. This also brings up the problem if you can even get him a millimeter out of range of the aura then his magic is cut off entirely.
Except his can just steal more from his opponent (if he/she is a mage) or the environment around him.

Magic thief : Michael can steal magic from his opponents as long as he is touching them. It isn’t instant and will generally be painful to the target.
I almost forgot, this needs to either reduced to copying or reduced in power so that your opponents don't lose their powers for good. Seriously, you can already control so many elements, you don't need to be completely neutralizing your opponents too.

Synopsis: You're not on a bad track (it's not original but if it's fun, who cares) but your problem is you have too many powerful skills including one that makes him come back and you have too few weaknesses of which most can be countered by your strengths.


I see a lot of room for potential. This could be really cool since not many gladiators use chemicals (Macbeth did, but he only dabbles in it because of their costs). The only thing I have to say is to make sure you know what you're doing as this could be really great or really bad.


I already liked Pupas from the last time you showed him to us. Just be sure to add weaknesses and stuff though.

Chromium7
04-14-2017, 08:49 AM
Read him and then tell me if he is overpowered.ok

Arcadian Storm Strengths

It works by converting the target area to mana. So all life in the epicenter from bugs to gras are converted to magic which powers the spell. It So say you activate the spell in a city. It will convert the human life there into magic and power itself.Arcadian Storm Weaknesses

This spell is Michael’s final move. It only requires enough magic to start off which isn’t much. Michael won’t use this unless he has too. It also doesn’t work where life isn't plentiful. Activate it in a barren wasteland there isn’t enough life to power the spell.

So basically, he has the power to destroy all life in a given area.
He is called 'The Planet Eater' because he can eat the life off of planets and may have done so once.
Weakness is that he says he won't use it

i think he is overpowered

This is all a work in progress, and I get that. The fact that you get that, and are taking the time to put these concepts up for review before bringing them to the fray speaks volumes.

Piston1937
04-14-2017, 12:59 PM
Okay I admit Arac0adian storm is OP as a nuclear missile against homo sapiens. I am fixing that and giving him a reason not to use it.

Or should I just remove it all together on the account that there isn't enough magic to start it. Choices


The past for Michael was reduced to sentences because I ran out of time. And the magic thief thing was a story idea from the original version of this character. It is going through changes and doesn't remove the opponents power just steals a shred of it.(the original purpose was for the end of a battle with a mage Michael would use this power and build up a store of magic within himself and eventually have enough to make a portal home)

Also I need help reworking the personality


My decision on Arcadian storm is to just remove it outright



Okay I have two routes I can go with jack. I can either have him be a Bane like character using drugs to boost himself. or I could go the using poisoness gas route and see where I end up?

Urako
04-14-2017, 02:04 PM
Okay I admit Arac0adian storm is OP as a nuclear missile against homo sapiens. I am fixing that and giving him a reason not to use it.

Or should I just remove it all together on the account that there isn't enough magic to start it. Choices


The past for Michael was reduced to sentences because I ran out of time. And the magic thief thing was a story idea from the original version of this character. It is going through changes and doesn't remove the opponents power just steals a shred of it.(the original purpose was for the end of a battle with a mage Michael would use this power and build up a store of magic within himself and eventually have enough to make a portal home)

Also I need help reworking the personality


My decision on Arcadian storm is to just remove it outright


+1 vote for removing Arcadian Storm. Truth be told there's no real purpose to it since writers can give him as much magic as they need before he wears out.


Okay I have two routes I can go with jack. I can either have him be a Bane like character using drugs to boost himself. or I could go the using poisonous gas route and see where I end up?

+1 vote for the poison route. Not many gladiators function by weakening their opponents. Just make sure there is some reasonable survivability to his attacks for the sake of the match. I mean if he uses chlorine gas for example (first type of poison gas that comes to mind at the moment) he's going to be vetoed.

Piston1937
04-14-2017, 04:47 PM
Poison route it is then. Though be weary When it comes to chemicals and traps I can be very crafty.

And I need to change Jack's title. 'The Chemist' Is cool and all but I need something a bit more deadly. Hmmmm Maybe the dealer or something like that?

Also I am gonna go for a kind of sneaky character in jack. Not much will be known.

And Arcadian storm has been removed by popular vote. 2/0

Crank
04-14-2017, 08:46 PM
Kinda curious why you've got the censoring going on. Going by the way you spell humor and the fact that you go by feet/inches, as an American, you should know Breaking Bad brought meth into pop culture, and weed is sometimes used medically, sometimes legal, but generally obtainable. Organs would actually freak me out the most, given the options, although heroine is the main evil drug that comes to mind. Well, self use drug. Ruffies would be more cause of alarm if I found out someone had one or the other.

Also thought I saw something about him killing people who skip payments by poisoning the product? I hope that was cut because you went back on the idea, I don't do drugs, but I feel like if word gets out that your product's that bad, it'll be bad for your bottom line. Also, pot gets passed around. Lot more casualties than you may be going for.

Having said all that, I think a poison character would be interesting

Piston1937
04-14-2017, 09:30 PM
Also thought I saw something about him killing people who skip payments by poisoning the product? I hope that was cut because you went back on the idea, I don't do drugs, but I feel like if word gets out that your product's that bad, it'll be bad for your bottom line. Also, pot gets passed around. Lot more casualties than you may be going for.



That was cut. For the reason stated above.

And I don't do modern pop. I am one of those shut ins that just sits around

and the censoring is just me messing with BB commands mostly

though and I will be using the inline spoilers with jack because you aren't suppose to know everything but some things must be known so what you need to know you can still see. I am trying to give the character a type of secrecy around him

Piston1937
04-17-2017, 01:37 PM
Okay I have put up Jack's weapon set. Please give cnc.

Urako
04-17-2017, 02:03 PM
The only problem I have is the very last weapon, gases being able to straight up kill someone. This isn't much of a problem as long as they have a chance to survive it somehow though. Do they?

Also, some of those knife symptoms are contradictory but I'm guessing the affects are random and not all of them stack.

Piston1937
04-17-2017, 05:02 PM
Yes and yes.

Most of the gases don't kill. There will be a reason for Jack not to kill peope

Urako
04-17-2017, 05:56 PM
Yes and yes.

Most of the gases don't kill. There will be a reason for Jack not to kill peope

Its not the fact that he kills people that would upset me, it could be knockout gas for all I care. The possible problem is that it's an instant-win condition with no real way for other characters to avoid it. Basically, just be sure to balance it okay?

Also, I've read your fourth character and I have to ask; Are you prepared to have an avatar in your likeness get killed/maimed/put in the ICU? (Props to anyone who fights him and manages to do those three things in that order)

Piston1937
04-17-2017, 08:46 PM
Evening out Jack Should be simple enough(No insta wins)


And Yes I am fine with it. Because the actual character ain't the one getting hurt. He controls robots that fight for him.

Piston1937
04-22-2017, 01:01 AM
Check out Blank and Jack's past

Urako
04-22-2017, 09:05 AM
It all looks interesting. However, if I were you i'd prioritize finishing the one you're most interested in:p

Piston1937
04-22-2017, 10:19 AM
Yah I am good at starting things not so good at finishing

one of the reasons I started this thread

So what does jack and or michael need to be finished

Urako
04-22-2017, 11:47 AM
Yah I am good at starting things not so good at finishing

one of the reasons I started this thread

So what does jack and or michael need to be finished

Jack just needs a personality and if he becomes your wRHG, the list of battles fought and points.

Micheal just needs to be re-balanced but I honestly don't know how. The problem with him is the sheer amount of abilities he has even with your location restrictions (Basically control of 3-4 elements at full power plus a few other really useful tricks) and I don't know what to do. You should probably ask Richard or Crank about this one actually.

All the others are usable as well but they need more information too.

Piston1937
04-22-2017, 01:31 PM
So I have to ballance out Michaels magic and then give jack a cold as liquid nitrogen personality

meh seems easy enough

Piston1937
04-23-2017, 12:55 PM
I am doing a complete redo of Pupas. Marionette was a good idea but it is also too hard to work out the details and she is an insta kill for him.

Also I think I'll do a bit of reworking how Michael's magic works

Vern
04-24-2017, 09:58 PM
Right, you asked me for a critique a while ago. Well sorry for taking so long but I’ll get right to it, though first a brief word of apology. I find that my behaviour in your previous thread was a bit uncalled for, though not wholly undeserved. Disregarding the reasoning behind my verbal assault, I do have a bit of an attitude problem with you. As I said in Synthia’s thread, I tend to keep such things to myself since I don’t like making spiel for no reason, but they tend to build up over time and sometimes it just needs to get out before I can realize how unfounded some of it is. But yes, I do take issue in the general arrogance and nonchalance you approach many a situation with.

That’s besides the point though. I also take issue with the absolute zero effort you seem to put in your work, though that’s a more personal issue and I shouldn’t be taking that out on you, certainly not in an environment like this where it isn’t really required at all. I used to advocate for a certain sembleance of quality in the work people made here but then I realized people just come here to have fun and not have to take things so seriously, so I stopped my advocacy and just let people do whatever because honestly, who am I to tell people what to do. And the same goes for you, I should just let you do whatever. So yes, my apologies for my rather rude behaviour in the other thread, you took it like a champ by not lashing back out to me, and for that I’ll bring myself to bother writing this critique.

So one little remark I have right off the bat before we get to any of the characters, is more of a question. You making this here thread where you bring forth your character concepts to be criticized, and you specifically asking for my critique after my harsh words has me believing you’re serious about improving yourself, yet while reading through this char page I still feel as if zero forethought and revision went into any of it. I get that it’s a work in process but just cobbling things together from the top of your mind is the antithesis of improving oneself when it comes to writing. What I’m asking is, are you really serious about improving? If so, why don’t you at least try to put some more thought into these things? I can tell you wrote all of it in one sitting, and if you haven’t you sure as hell haven’t bothered to re-read any of what you wrote.

(how long did it take you to write this anyways?)

1st character ; The World Eater

This character is rubbish. Bin it because there’s no way to make him work. That’s all there is to say about it, but I’ll explain the hows and whys.

Let me just start by stating that if you have to specifically mention that your character may seem invincible, but isn’t, in his weaknesses, you’re doing something wrong. If you were to sit down to revise, such things should stick out like enormous red flags to you, and beckon you to do some rewriting and rethinking.

I don’t see why a character needs such an abundance of titles, honestly. Any title is meaningless unless it has specific implications to the story, and while you brandish around the title planet eater for your dude here there’s really no planet eating he’s done that warrants such a name. It ends up looking like some dumb attempt to make your character sound really cool and badass that falls flat on its face.

On that topic, when I hear the word planet eater I think about giant monstrosities or people with beyond overpowered world-devouring abilities. Since neither of those are particularly fit for a scene like the wRHG, “Planet eater” is a title that is, itself, a massive red flag for overpowered/overloaded character. The strongest characters we have, for example, are Zalgo, Omega and Handyman, but even they have been heavily tweaked so as to not obliterate the opposition in the blink of an eye. If your character is needlessly strong, you’ll see them put into situations where they’re incredibly underpowered by your opponents, leading to boring battles altogether.

His backstory is a cliché-ridden snoozefest that tries to be badass but fails.

“He was drafted into the imperial army at the young age of five” Honestly, I have to wonder what kind of dystopian reich this planet eater lives in that he gets recruited into the army when he’s still afraid of the dark. Is there any actual reason for him to be in the army from such a young age other than that you, the writer, wanted him to be? Does it enhance or enrich his story in any way? Even if it does, I doubt it is in a way that at all shapes a meaningful story. It’s dumb and pointless and is there for no other reason than that the author wanted it to be there, which is the worst kind of writing. It’s on par with winning a battle because a meteor crashlanded on your opponent right as he was about to kill you.

“ It was on his tenth birthday when he first went to war. He wiped out a whole army with one finger.”

Again, no point to this other than to make him look badass or overpowered. I honestly don’t get why this needs to be here at all. Maybe to you this makes him look very powerful and frightening, but it just makes your audience roll their eyes sarcastically, sigh in boredom or do something of equivalent measure because it doesn’t inspire in them such feelings of terror or fright for his might because it’s just dumb writing. He killed an entire army with one finger, tell me again why I should at all care about this guy ever going to battle?

“At the young age of fifteen Michael was a human weapon standing under the throne of the emperor.”

Oh look, another self insert teenager with the power to destroy the world. This reads like a really, really cringy anime you know. I’m trying to keep sentences where I just take the piss at you with no constructive value to a minimum but every line of this backstory just makes me want to take the piss at how cringy it is. And I don’t even like cringe humour so this is just a big waste of time for me. Again, is there AT ALL any reason for him to be this needlessly powerful in his backstory? Is it so that when you write battles against other people you can just ass-pull a victory at any point because this guy is so strong nobody could ever beat him anyways? I bet it’s that.

“Empire becomes corrupt

Michael destroys the empire

Empire gets replaced with the republic of Randar

Michael goes mad? with power

He gets angry and destroys a mountain range

The world comes after him and michael is defeated

Michael gets banished to a place where he won’t have the power to return



After all, who has ever heard about something referred to as an empire that isn’t evil? Honestly this just leads like a checklist of clichés and did I not know any better I’d think you were taking the piss at yourself.

Most of all, however, this backstory has such dissonance with who the character really is, it doesn’t fit this kind of character at all. It’s obvious you’re trying to go for some kind of mage here, but why the needlessly overcomplicated and cringey backstory? I’ll rewrite your backstory in a single sentence and it has all the meaning, implication and value of what you just wrote ;

“A powerful warlock from another world, Michael eventually got banished from his realm when he grew mad with power, and now finds himself in a strange new world without the means to get back to his own.”

Now what does this sentence not tell you that your backstory did? That he was enlisted at the age of five, destroyed an army with one finger at ten and was a living weapon at fifteen? I’m sure all your audience was dying to read those little details. They definitely add so much to the character and his rich backstory.

Besides, obscuring a character’s background is a good thing, not a bad thing. It allows you to sometimes let your audience pry into the specifics of his background when it comes to mention in a conversation, for example. He could, for example, at one point mention he used to work for an empire, though left their service when he discovered their corruption. And since this is new information for your audience, you’ll retain their interest as opposed to repeating yourself and making them read something they know already.

Moving on, abilities and weaknesses;

Now, I’m not going to delve too in depth here because that’d require a whole essay’s worth of critique and in all honesty, you’re not worth that much effort. I’m moreso doing this for myself anyways because I highly doubt you’re going to listen all that much to what I’m saying here. Call me cynical, but you’re giving me little reason to believe otherwise.

What it boils down to is that you have a lot of abilities. Way too many, even. If at any point I need to open more than three spoilers to read your abilities, you’re doing something wrong. You have so many abilities, you won’t know what to do with three quarters of them and never end up using them. They turn into literal storytelling magic at that point where you can just have them do whatever the battle demands them to and you have this character that is unbeatable because he has the solution to every problem in his pocket. And an unbeatable character is boring.

Magic itself is already tricky because of what I said ; It’s hard to define but it requires clear defining because otherwise it becomes storytelling magic too and that’s the kind of magic you want to avoid at all costs, unless you’re writing a parody or something akin to that. You want to have a character with a central theme, a fire mage or a water mage, not an everything mage. It ends up becoming convoluted and, as I said, you end up having more powers than you know what to do with and most of them won’t ever see the light of day.

“Magic thief : Michael can absorb magic from a target via physical interaction. This process doesn’t remove a mage's power all together but if it goes on for long periods of time then it can begin to impact the targets magical abilities.”

This is one of the titular “strengths that cover weaknesses”, completely useless abilities that are just there to provide an additional condition when fighting certain characters. There is an immense lack of mages in the wRHG roster and what you’re doing here is giving your guy a power that is useless against all other characters, but makes him conditionally stronger for no reason when fighting mages. It’s dumb and should either be expanded to encompass a much broader range so the ability has more prominence (for example, making him able to absorb the inherent abilities of other fighters, though one could make a point that such a power is strong enough to warrant its own character) , or removed altogether.

“Michael was trained to fight in hand to hand combat.”
Who hasn’t? At this rate, it doesn’t even have to be mentioned anymore unless it is a lack of hand to hand knowledge in the weakness section. Moving on.

“Michael may sound invincible but he isn’t.”

Refer to what I said way back. You having to write this line should tell you immediately that this character is overcomplicated and overpowered.

“He is used to have the power of a god but now that he is exiled he has to understand that he doesn’t have that power anymore. But the thrill of battle makes him forget this fact. So”

I’d just like to point out how oddly phrased this sentence is. The way you wrote this gave me the impression that his arrogance doesn’t apply when he’s fighting, even though you’re saying that he forgets he doesn’t have the power akin to a God anymore. A better way to have written this would be ;

“He is used to the power of a god, and the thrill of battle often makes him forget that is no longer the case”.

“Mages in his world never really focused on physical strength after basic training. So Michael can’t take that much damage.”

But he can use his magic to strengthen his body, so this weakness is completely irrelevant.

“Michael is also from a different world. This means his body isn’t immune to the diseases here. So he will get sick easily.”

Nonsensical weakness. Okay, he may fall sick easily but how does this matter in a battle? It’s not like he’s gonna contract spontaneous diarrhea while fighting Sherlock Holmes to the death with an oversized pipe and shit himself so hard he dies on the spot. This is moreso something that should have prominence in non-battle story, where him being a foreigner to this world becomes more apparent. There is no wRHG fighter that makes you sick with their abilities, so this weakness makes no god damn sense.

“Michael isn’t trained to use any type of weapon.”

He’s a fucking mage. He doesn’t need them. Why is this a weakness?

“He also has no idea how to use technology or what it does.”

Same story. Well not really, one could say that he doesn’t understand that a gun fires a bullet. Still, he’s a mage so it doesn’t really matter to him all that much, don’t you think? If some RHG character points their strange dildo-shaped laser cannon at me I wouldn’t have a clue what it did until he fired it either.

Personality now.

First thing I notice is that you admit that you suck at these. This brings me to something I’d been meaning to bring up a long time now, and that is the issue of ambition versus overconfidence in one’s own ability. I’ll be going off topic for a second here, we’ll be back to your character in a bit.

So, I needn’t tell you that you aren’t exactly the best writer around. If anything you stating that you “suck at these” is proof that you’re aware of this yourself to a certain extent. Yet, you try to do these really elaborate characters with tonnes of powers and backstory and shit instead of just going for something simple to begin with. There is NOTHING wrong with humility and simplicity, Piston.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with ambition either, the wanting to challenge yourself with projects you know are just slightly bigger than you can handle. But there’s a difference between ambition and overconfidence. Surely, you know of the Icarus mythos?

Icarus and his father were stuck in a prison, but his father crafted two sets of wings made of wax and they used them to escape. Yet Icarus grew overconfident in that moment and flew too close to the sun, then his wings melted and he crashed down into the sea and died like the retard he was.

What I’m trying to say here is, don’t be an Icarus. Try to go for smaller, simpler characters first, and as you improve, start to elaborate, start to expand. This whole character, this “planet eater”, is you flying too close to the sun and plummeting to your own retarded death because you reached too high, tried to do too many things in a single character, and none of it works anymore because you’re simply not experienced enough to make it work.

Back to character; personality wise, he’s a complete brick made of turd. His only defining trait, as you put it, is that he doesn’t hesitate to kill, which reminds me of the infamous “nothing personnel, kid” (if you don’t get this reference, in a place like this, then you seriously need to brush up on your internets bubzie). Seriously, this is a boring character in every sense of the word.

Appearance I’m not one to judge most of the time except for stuff that’s clearly just put in there to make them look edgy or “badass”. In this case, let’s run down the wash list shall we?

-Has a trench coat; Check
-Has abnormal eye colour; Check
-Has white hair; Apparently not, good on you.
-Has scars for no reason other than to look cool; Check
-Wears sixteen belts; No
-Covers his face/eyes; No
-Measurements are in retarded instead of metric; You fucking bet your ass they are.

Right okay, enough of me having fun taking the piss at you again. Basically, if stuff is there only to make him look cool; Don’t. Just remove it, go for a more organic look. It’s good to have certain traits that define them, and scars can be there if they actually have a meaningful relation to the story or make sense for the character (though this has been clichéd so hard that you’d have to be a fucking master author to do something fresh with it, so far I’ve yet to see it in a non-cliché/edgy manner. Basically, a rugged veteran of battle can have scars but you mustn’t make them something of prominence. They make sense for the character to have, but making them a defining trait just screams “Look at how badass he is” and it makes everyone roll their eyes and curl up to sniff their own farts out of boredom)

What are defining traits, for example? Well, you could have a character who mostly wears hoodies, mostly wears jeans. To pull up an example, ErrorBlender’s Leikani usually wears (pleated) skirts but there’s enough variety in this appearance to indicate that this is a variable preference, not a static fact. In the end, especially when it comes to the written word, how a character looks is not all THAT important. When it comes to writing you moreso want to give your readers a good canvas to fill in with their imagination than just a rigid painting, an essay’s worth of descriptions to hammer home how boringly unique this uninteresting statue of a character is.
I don’t CnC demos because I don’t read those unless I’m battling said character. Even then I’m more likely to reach for battles they’ve already fought over the demo because these things are usually rushed out pieces of shit anyways. They tend to have incredibly little story value or relation to the character’s overall arch and hence I find them rather boring.

All in all, when I sit down to reflect upon this character you present to me here, I’m left with a single burning question ; Why does he have to be so needlessly strong?

If your goal is to just make the strongest character in the lounge, give them any of the following powers without limitation ;

Gravity manipulation
Time manipulation
Telekinesis
Any sort of elemental magic
Fuck it, any sort of magic at all

Or if you want to be a REALLY fucking cheeky cunt, go for the next level “matter manipulation”. That is not even to speak about “reality manipulation”

All of these powers allow you to literally atomize your opponent in a mere second, so hey if you want to make a character with abilities that always make him win no matter what, just stop being a sneaky git and admit that you want to have this power fantasy self insert you can jerk off to. Oh but atomizing your opponent in a single second doesn’t make for a fun battle? Tell me, how does a character with an overloaded kit that gives him the perfect solution to any given situation right off the bat, make for an at all more interesting story? If anything I’d prefer the former because it saves me having to read 20 pages of cringey ass attempts to stall out the character using his “magical deus ex machina plot device trick to save the day”.

Trust me, I’ve been there Piston. Giving a character more powers than you know what to do with just ends up turning them into a snorefest.

Let me tell you about something called “creative limitation”. For writing is expressing creativity, but a character with a billion powers is anything but a creative one. Thing is, I’m not an expert author and I struggle putting this into words, so let me just quote directly from the book Story to explain this part to you;

“Robert Frost (a poet and playwright) said that writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down, for it’s the self-imposed, indeed artificial demands of poetic conventions that stir the imagination. Let’s say a poet arbitrarily imposes this limit: He decides to write in six-line stanzas, rhyming every other line. After rhyming the fourth line with the second line he reaches the end of a stanza. Backed into this corner, his struggle to rhyme the sixth line with the fourth and second may inspire him to imagine a word that has no relationship to his poem whatsoever- it just happens to rhyme- but this random word then springs loose a phrase that in turn brings an image to mind, an image that in turn resonates back through the first five lines, triggering a whole new sense and feeling, twisting and driving the poem to a richer meaning and emotion”

What the author of Story is saying here is that, had the poet allowed himself to just do whatever, had he allowed himself to just use a word that didn’t rhyme for the last verse, the poem he wrote would’ve never been as interesting.

The same goes for any kind of writing, really. If you allow your character to just do whatever, it’ll never get interesting. But if you, to yourself, very clearly define what your character can and cannot do, you will have to think creatively and cleverly when you find yourself backed in a corner. In this case the corner is you realizing that “my character can not beat the other!”, so you put your grey matter to work, trying to think of an interesting scenario that tips the odds in your fighter’s favours, and this creative solution is infinitely more interesting than had you allowed your fighter to use his rock to the foe’s scissors. That is the concept of creative limitation, and if you are serious about improving yourself you’d do well taking this into mind.

This is also why the point shouldn’t be to make the strongest character possible. It simply is not interesting, in any case. You can have characters that are strong, indeed characters that are very strong, like Handyman, but these characters offer something unique, they are, in their own way, interesting to fight. The planet eater, however, is not.

So to bring this all back to where it began and wrap it up with a neat bow tie; I see no way to make the character work as it is. He is too cobbled-together, too overcomplicated to sort out into a character that could make for an interesting story. We would have to start delving deep, very deep, tearing the character apart until all we have left is the core of what you imagined, the core of what you intended, but if we are to refine that core it would come out looking nothing like the character you have now.

Besides, if you want my opinion ; I doubt that, even if you were to extract the core from this character, you’d have something interesting. He’s simply too filled to the brim with cliché and bad writing. I suggest that you take your idea, this mage-fighter, and try to do something new with it altogether. Something simpler and more humble this time, preferably.

Actually, let’s talk about character creation real quick too. We must very clearly understand who and what we are writing characters for, in this case, it is the wRHG. A place where amateur writers come together for a little fun, by coming up with a character that they can feel is theirs and then having that character beat some other character into pulp. So what matters here? That you make a character that is fun for you to write with, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, that you make a character that is fun to write against.

For you see, Piston. All this shit I just gave you, all this critique I just wrote, it means absolutely fucking nihil zero nothing, if your character is fun to fight against. Prime example? Malacal’s Omega. He’s seen some rewriting nowadays but in the past Omega was an overcomplicated, storybook villain. But you know what? It didn’t matter, cause it was fun to read the battles he made, and the battles people wrote against him. Malacal took on a lot of big fish back in the day and I found myself rooting for the day he’d finally win a matchup, and I could track his improvement with every single battle. But Omega was a fun character, as was made apparent by his popularity and frequency of appearance in battles. Cause some of these older vets won’t fight you if you present them with boring rubbish.

So when you sit down next time to write a character, after you’ve finished it sit down for a moment and ask yourself ; “if I had a different character, would I enjoy fighting against this one?” if the answer is no, that’s a huge red flag and you should get to rewriting immediately.

That’s a boatload of critique right there, and we’re not done yet. I got most of the stuff I wanted to point out out of the way by now though, so with the next characters we’ll just be referencing what’s already been said.

2nd character; The Chemist

The continued use of measuring in retarded is annoying me, I’m quite done pulling up a retard-to-metric converter every time I want to know whether a character is as small as a cat or bigger than a fucking elephant. I mean, this forum is primarily used by the people from those few places where they indeed use the imperial measurements, but for the sake of the few I implore you to pull up a converter yourself when writing this, and just having both measurements there.

I spot white hair. I was wondering whether this was a side-effect of the drugs but you don’t even mention that. In any case it’s dumb edgy shit to try and appear cool and unique and it just makes him look like a cringey assfart so get rid of it. If you want to play on a loss of pigmentation in the hair because of his drug usage either give him grey hair or make him bald. In fact, I would much prefer the latter over fucking white hair.

His past is another snoozefest, but at least you had the wisdom to obscure most of it in the “known past” section. Again, he’s being inducted into shady business at a way too young age but since it has more precedent in real life I guess one could bat an eye if there was enough suspension of disbelief. While all of it is a bit more “grounded in reality”, it is still overplayed as fuck and as a result can’t help but end up being cliché.

When it comes to wRHG fighters, it’s much more about the here and now anyways. What they do in their time fighting others in the wRHG. The story leading up to it doesn’t need that much prominence, so again it is a wise move to obscure it if you can’t help but make it cliché as fuck.

Now, moving on to the abilities, I have to say you have a far more interesting and fresh character on your hands here than whatever dreg the planet eater was supposed to be. His theme is many times more focussed, and it just works a lot better in general. He’s strong, and can be stronger when he needs to be, but isn’t too strong even when he tries.

That being said, it is of course not exempt from flaws. I’m a bit too tired at this point to point them all out but some tweaks are definitely in order;

“If he uses all three boosters at the same time he turns into a complete psychopath crazy person until the boosters run out in five minutes.”

This is not a weakness. This is just basically frenzy mode. I mean I expected as much but honestly I’m not sure if I care all that much about this. This whole “he goes psycho” thing feels like it’s moreso there because you just wanted to be able to write a supposed psycho when you feel like it but this whole character is incredibly psychopathic in his nature already, so the frenzy seems redundant. Besides, you could do well by drawing some lessons from the Hannibal Lecter school of psychos for this one and have him remain calm and collected at any given moment. That inspires much more fear than the overplayed “he goes berserk” thing we’ve seen a hundred quintillion times here already.

Furthmore, five minutes is a long ass time in terms of fighting. Normal fights barely last a fifth of that time, and even that’s stretching it. But okay, these aren’t normal fights, these are spectacle fights, so of course they’re going to be a bit more drawn out. Put a shorter time frame on his injections and make the drawbacks of using them bigger, that way he has to employ them in a smarter fashion.

For example, repeated use will wear him down a lot. Using two at the same time puts him under a lot of strain once the effects end. Using all three at the same time basically knock him out once the effects end.

Also you’re gonna wanna tweak these “gasses”. You already have poison knives and there needs to be something to keep your guy from just spamming blindness gas all day to win. I like the idea of having this poisonous gas that puts the foe on a time limit to beat the Chemist before they pass out and/or die, but be sure not to overdo it.

All in all though, it’s a more decent, worked out character. If you put your back into this one it might develop into something interesting.

3rd character ; The pupeteer

Honestly this one is so threadbare as to things you gave him that I don’t even know what to say. Measurements are still in retarded, though I did not expect that to change, uh, oh he’s way younger than he should be, that seems to be an ongoing thing with you too. What else is there, let’s see.

Well his powers, there isn’t really much to say about them other than that they seem a bit… boring. He basically has ten strings that can cut through stuff or connect to stuff, and he has a robot that fights for him. So this is basically a duo character, then?

No backstory, no personality, no appearance, no weaknesses, no nothing. Just a very, very WIP character. If you want my opinion on his powers ; They seem boring. Wait shit I already said that.

Also why is he called Death’s pupeteer. What is it with you and stupid titles for everything?
4th character ; Self Insert mcgee

I’m not even going to critique this one for the simple sake of it being such an obvious self insert. The dude literally has your name, let me take a guess as to his powers and weaknesses ; Can make really shitty OC’s with dumb titles, but is unable to put more than five seconds thought into anything he writes.

Change the name and then maybe I’ll consider wasting my time reading this muck. For now, however, I’ll instead give you a critique of your other character Synthia.

??? character ; Synthesizer

So disregarding all the dumb shit I said about implied pedophilia on that thread like the retard I was, the biggest problem with that character was that there was essentially no difference from the character you’d already established, Steam. What’s the use of making a second character that does everything your first character did? Why even bother changing characters at all?

You didn’t give her any description as to personality either, I recall. Personality is an integral part of characters, don’t slack on it.

5th character ; Bl.An.C

Blast Android Class is ErrorBlender’s previous character, an android/human hybrid with a bit of a toolboxy set of powers and a whole lot of continuities. I myself wasn’t such a huge fan of him, then again I read very little of him either so that may be part of it.

Wait oh shit we’re not talking about that one? Oh, we’re talking about Blank, right. Completely different character, hold on let’s see what this one is about...











(Get it? Honestly though there’s nothing to say about this character, there’s nothing to him. Work him out some more then present him again. Initial thoughts on him are ; Way too powerful, boring as fuck.)

Right, that about wraps it up. I spent three hours writing all of this and honestly I’m getting tired of this exercise in futility anyways. As I said before, I’m moreso doing this for myself anyways because critiquing rubbish is a good way to test one’s knowledge. As for you, Piston, these things I said are all things to consider but you mustn’t necessarily answer all of them. There’s no need to prove yourself to me or anything, just try to understand and learn as much from the advice I’m giving you here, and if you feel like you need to point out some things or answer some questions, then by all means go ahead. I like some decent dialogue.

Last thing, and this is just from me to you, but try to work on your attitude a bit. Nobody here is owed you anything, keep that in mind. Good CnC is a rare commodity here and it is something to be grateful for, not something you should expect and demand from the people. Same goes for the time they invest reading your things. Every reader, every vote, is something to be thankful for, not something people here owe you. Then again I may be looking too far into this, and this may just be me seeing things, but still. Some humility and some gratefulness go a very, very long way.

Piston1937
04-25-2017, 07:00 PM
Right, you asked me for a critique a while ago. Well sorry for taking so long but I’ll get right to it, though first a brief word of apology. I find that my behaviour in your previous thread was a bit uncalled for, though not wholly undeserved. Disregarding the reasoning behind my verbal assault, I do have a bit of an attitude problem with you. As I said in Synthia’s thread, I tend to keep such things to myself since I don’t like making spiel for no reason, but they tend to build up over time and sometimes it just needs to get out before I can realize how unfounded some of it is. But yes, I do take issue in the general arrogance and nonchalance you approach many a situation with.

That’s besides the point though. I also take issue with the absolute zero effort you seem to put in your work, though that’s a more personal issue and I shouldn’t be taking that out on you, certainly not in an environment like this where it isn’t really required at all. I used to advocate for a certain sembleance of quality in the work people made here but then I realized people just come here to have fun and not have to take things so seriously, so I stopped my advocacy and just let people do whatever because honestly, who am I to tell people what to do. And the same goes for you, I should just let you do whatever. So yes, my apologies for my rather rude behaviour in the other thread, you took it like a champ by not lashing back out to me, and for that I’ll bring myself to bother writing this critique.

So one little remark I have right off the bat before we get to any of the characters, is more of a question. You making this here thread where you bring forth your character concepts to be criticized, and you specifically asking for my critique after my harsh words has me believing you’re serious about improving yourself, yet while reading through this char page I still feel as if zero forethought and revision went into any of it. I get that it’s a work in process but just cobbling things together from the top of your mind is the antithesis of improving oneself when it comes to writing. What I’m asking is, are you really serious about improving? If so, why don’t you at least try to put some more thought into these things? I can tell you wrote all of it in one sitting, and if you haven’t you sure as hell haven’t bothered to re-read any of what you wrote.

(how long did it take you to write this anyways?)

1st character ; The World Eater

This character is rubbish. Bin it because there’s no way to make him work. That’s all there is to say about it, but I’ll explain the hows and whys.

Let me just start by stating that if you have to specifically mention that your character may seem invincible, but isn’t, in his weaknesses, you’re doing something wrong. If you were to sit down to revise, such things should stick out like enormous red flags to you, and beckon you to do some rewriting and rethinking.

I don’t see why a character needs such an abundance of titles, honestly. Any title is meaningless unless it has specific implications to the story, and while you brandish around the title planet eater for your dude here there’s really no planet eating he’s done that warrants such a name. It ends up looking like some dumb attempt to make your character sound really cool and badass that falls flat on its face.

On that topic, when I hear the word planet eater I think about giant monstrosities or people with beyond overpowered world-devouring abilities. Since neither of those are particularly fit for a scene like the wRHG, “Planet eater” is a title that is, itself, a massive red flag for overpowered/overloaded character. The strongest characters we have, for example, are Zalgo, Omega and Handyman, but even they have been heavily tweaked so as to not obliterate the opposition in the blink of an eye. If your character is needlessly strong, you’ll see them put into situations where they’re incredibly underpowered by your opponents, leading to boring battles altogether.

His backstory is a cliché-ridden snoozefest that tries to be badass but fails.

“He was drafted into the imperial army at the young age of five” Honestly, I have to wonder what kind of dystopian reich this planet eater lives in that he gets recruited into the army when he’s still afraid of the dark. Is there any actual reason for him to be in the army from such a young age other than that you, the writer, wanted him to be? Does it enhance or enrich his story in any way? Even if it does, I doubt it is in a way that at all shapes a meaningful story. It’s dumb and pointless and is there for no other reason than that the author wanted it to be there, which is the worst kind of writing. It’s on par with winning a battle because a meteor crashlanded on your opponent right as he was about to kill you.

“ It was on his tenth birthday when he first went to war. He wiped out a whole army with one finger.”

Again, no point to this other than to make him look badass or overpowered. I honestly don’t get why this needs to be here at all. Maybe to you this makes him look very powerful and frightening, but it just makes your audience roll their eyes sarcastically, sigh in boredom or do something of equivalent measure because it doesn’t inspire in them such feelings of terror or fright for his might because it’s just dumb writing. He killed an entire army with one finger, tell me again why I should at all care about this guy ever going to battle?

“At the young age of fifteen Michael was a human weapon standing under the throne of the emperor.”

Oh look, another self insert teenager with the power to destroy the world. This reads like a really, really cringy anime you know. I’m trying to keep sentences where I just take the piss at you with no constructive value to a minimum but every line of this backstory just makes me want to take the piss at how cringy it is. And I don’t even like cringe humour so this is just a big waste of time for me. Again, is there AT ALL any reason for him to be this needlessly powerful in his backstory? Is it so that when you write battles against other people you can just ass-pull a victory at any point because this guy is so strong nobody could ever beat him anyways? I bet it’s that.

“Empire becomes corrupt

Michael destroys the empire

Empire gets replaced with the republic of Randar

Michael goes mad? with power

He gets angry and destroys a mountain range

The world comes after him and michael is defeated

Michael gets banished to a place where he won’t have the power to return



After all, who has ever heard about something referred to as an empire that isn’t evil? Honestly this just leads like a checklist of clichés and did I not know any better I’d think you were taking the piss at yourself.

Most of all, however, this backstory has such dissonance with who the character really is, it doesn’t fit this kind of character at all. It’s obvious you’re trying to go for some kind of mage here, but why the needlessly overcomplicated and cringey backstory? I’ll rewrite your backstory in a single sentence and it has all the meaning, implication and value of what you just wrote ;

“A powerful warlock from another world, Michael eventually got banished from his realm when he grew mad with power, and now finds himself in a strange new world without the means to get back to his own.”

Now what does this sentence not tell you that your backstory did? That he was enlisted at the age of five, destroyed an army with one finger at ten and was a living weapon at fifteen? I’m sure all your audience was dying to read those little details. They definitely add so much to the character and his rich backstory.

Besides, obscuring a character’s background is a good thing, not a bad thing. It allows you to sometimes let your audience pry into the specifics of his background when it comes to mention in a conversation, for example. He could, for example, at one point mention he used to work for an empire, though left their service when he discovered their corruption. And since this is new information for your audience, you’ll retain their interest as opposed to repeating yourself and making them read something they know already.

Moving on, abilities and weaknesses;

Now, I’m not going to delve too in depth here because that’d require a whole essay’s worth of critique and in all honesty, you’re not worth that much effort. I’m moreso doing this for myself anyways because I highly doubt you’re going to listen all that much to what I’m saying here. Call me cynical, but you’re giving me little reason to believe otherwise.

What it boils down to is that you have a lot of abilities. Way too many, even. If at any point I need to open more than three spoilers to read your abilities, you’re doing something wrong. You have so many abilities, you won’t know what to do with three quarters of them and never end up using them. They turn into literal storytelling magic at that point where you can just have them do whatever the battle demands them to and you have this character that is unbeatable because he has the solution to every problem in his pocket. And an unbeatable character is boring.

Magic itself is already tricky because of what I said ; It’s hard to define but it requires clear defining because otherwise it becomes storytelling magic too and that’s the kind of magic you want to avoid at all costs, unless you’re writing a parody or something akin to that. You want to have a character with a central theme, a fire mage or a water mage, not an everything mage. It ends up becoming convoluted and, as I said, you end up having more powers than you know what to do with and most of them won’t ever see the light of day.

“Magic thief : Michael can absorb magic from a target via physical interaction. This process doesn’t remove a mage's power all together but if it goes on for long periods of time then it can begin to impact the targets magical abilities.”

This is one of the titular “strengths that cover weaknesses”, completely useless abilities that are just there to provide an additional condition when fighting certain characters. There is an immense lack of mages in the wRHG roster and what you’re doing here is giving your guy a power that is useless against all other characters, but makes him conditionally stronger for no reason when fighting mages. It’s dumb and should either be expanded to encompass a much broader range so the ability has more prominence (for example, making him able to absorb the inherent abilities of other fighters, though one could make a point that such a power is strong enough to warrant its own character) , or removed altogether.

“Michael was trained to fight in hand to hand combat.”
Who hasn’t? At this rate, it doesn’t even have to be mentioned anymore unless it is a lack of hand to hand knowledge in the weakness section. Moving on.

“Michael may sound invincible but he isn’t.”

Refer to what I said way back. You having to write this line should tell you immediately that this character is overcomplicated and overpowered.

“He is used to have the power of a god but now that he is exiled he has to understand that he doesn’t have that power anymore. But the thrill of battle makes him forget this fact. So”

I’d just like to point out how oddly phrased this sentence is. The way you wrote this gave me the impression that his arrogance doesn’t apply when he’s fighting, even though you’re saying that he forgets he doesn’t have the power akin to a God anymore. A better way to have written this would be ;

“He is used to the power of a god, and the thrill of battle often makes him forget that is no longer the case”.

“Mages in his world never really focused on physical strength after basic training. So Michael can’t take that much damage.”

But he can use his magic to strengthen his body, so this weakness is completely irrelevant.

“Michael is also from a different world. This means his body isn’t immune to the diseases here. So he will get sick easily.”

Nonsensical weakness. Okay, he may fall sick easily but how does this matter in a battle? It’s not like he’s gonna contract spontaneous diarrhea while fighting Sherlock Holmes to the death with an oversized pipe and shit himself so hard he dies on the spot. This is moreso something that should have prominence in non-battle story, where him being a foreigner to this world becomes more apparent. There is no wRHG fighter that makes you sick with their abilities, so this weakness makes no god damn sense.

“Michael isn’t trained to use any type of weapon.”

He’s a fucking mage. He doesn’t need them. Why is this a weakness?

“He also has no idea how to use technology or what it does.”

Same story. Well not really, one could say that he doesn’t understand that a gun fires a bullet. Still, he’s a mage so it doesn’t really matter to him all that much, don’t you think? If some RHG character points their strange dildo-shaped laser cannon at me I wouldn’t have a clue what it did until he fired it either.

Personality now.

First thing I notice is that you admit that you suck at these. This brings me to something I’d been meaning to bring up a long time now, and that is the issue of ambition versus overconfidence in one’s own ability. I’ll be going off topic for a second here, we’ll be back to your character in a bit.

So, I needn’t tell you that you aren’t exactly the best writer around. If anything you stating that you “suck at these” is proof that you’re aware of this yourself to a certain extent. Yet, you try to do these really elaborate characters with tonnes of powers and backstory and shit instead of just going for something simple to begin with. There is NOTHING wrong with humility and simplicity, Piston.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with ambition either, the wanting to challenge yourself with projects you know are just slightly bigger than you can handle. But there’s a difference between ambition and overconfidence. Surely, you know of the Icarus mythos?

Icarus and his father were stuck in a prison, but his father crafted two sets of wings made of wax and they used them to escape. Yet Icarus grew overconfident in that moment and flew too close to the sun, then his wings melted and he crashed down into the sea and died like the retard he was.

What I’m trying to say here is, don’t be an Icarus. Try to go for smaller, simpler characters first, and as you improve, start to elaborate, start to expand. This whole character, this “planet eater”, is you flying too close to the sun and plummeting to your own retarded death because you reached too high, tried to do too many things in a single character, and none of it works anymore because you’re simply not experienced enough to make it work.

Back to character; personality wise, he’s a complete brick made of turd. His only defining trait, as you put it, is that he doesn’t hesitate to kill, which reminds me of the infamous “nothing personnel, kid” (if you don’t get this reference, in a place like this, then you seriously need to brush up on your internets bubzie). Seriously, this is a boring character in every sense of the word.

Appearance I’m not one to judge most of the time except for stuff that’s clearly just put in there to make them look edgy or “badass”. In this case, let’s run down the wash list shall we?

-Has a trench coat; Check
-Has abnormal eye colour; Check
-Has white hair; Apparently not, good on you.
-Has scars for no reason other than to look cool; Check
-Wears sixteen belts; No
-Covers his face/eyes; No
-Measurements are in retarded instead of metric; You fucking bet your ass they are.

Right okay, enough of me having fun taking the piss at you again. Basically, if stuff is there only to make him look cool; Don’t. Just remove it, go for a more organic look. It’s good to have certain traits that define them, and scars can be there if they actually have a meaningful relation to the story or make sense for the character (though this has been clichéd so hard that you’d have to be a fucking master author to do something fresh with it, so far I’ve yet to see it in a non-cliché/edgy manner. Basically, a rugged veteran of battle can have scars but you mustn’t make them something of prominence. They make sense for the character to have, but making them a defining trait just screams “Look at how badass he is” and it makes everyone roll their eyes and curl up to sniff their own farts out of boredom)

What are defining traits, for example? Well, you could have a character who mostly wears hoodies, mostly wears jeans. To pull up an example, ErrorBlender’s Leikani usually wears (pleated) skirts but there’s enough variety in this appearance to indicate that this is a variable preference, not a static fact. In the end, especially when it comes to the written word, how a character looks is not all THAT important. When it comes to writing you moreso want to give your readers a good canvas to fill in with their imagination than just a rigid painting, an essay’s worth of descriptions to hammer home how boringly unique this uninteresting statue of a character is.
I don’t CnC demos because I don’t read those unless I’m battling said character. Even then I’m more likely to reach for battles they’ve already fought over the demo because these things are usually rushed out pieces of shit anyways. They tend to have incredibly little story value or relation to the character’s overall arch and hence I find them rather boring.

All in all, when I sit down to reflect upon this character you present to me here, I’m left with a single burning question ; Why does he have to be so needlessly strong?

If your goal is to just make the strongest character in the lounge, give them any of the following powers without limitation ;

Gravity manipulation
Time manipulation
Telekinesis
Any sort of elemental magic
Fuck it, any sort of magic at all

Or if you want to be a REALLY fucking cheeky cunt, go for the next level “matter manipulation”. That is not even to speak about “reality manipulation”

All of these powers allow you to literally atomize your opponent in a mere second, so hey if you want to make a character with abilities that always make him win no matter what, just stop being a sneaky git and admit that you want to have this power fantasy self insert you can jerk off to. Oh but atomizing your opponent in a single second doesn’t make for a fun battle? Tell me, how does a character with an overloaded kit that gives him the perfect solution to any given situation right off the bat, make for an at all more interesting story? If anything I’d prefer the former because it saves me having to read 20 pages of cringey ass attempts to stall out the character using his “magical deus ex machina plot device trick to save the day”.

Trust me, I’ve been there Piston. Giving a character more powers than you know what to do with just ends up turning them into a snorefest.

Let me tell you about something called “creative limitation”. For writing is expressing creativity, but a character with a billion powers is anything but a creative one. Thing is, I’m not an expert author and I struggle putting this into words, so let me just quote directly from the book Story to explain this part to you;

“Robert Frost (a poet and playwright) said that writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down, for it’s the self-imposed, indeed artificial demands of poetic conventions that stir the imagination. Let’s say a poet arbitrarily imposes this limit: He decides to write in six-line stanzas, rhyming every other line. After rhyming the fourth line with the second line he reaches the end of a stanza. Backed into this corner, his struggle to rhyme the sixth line with the fourth and second may inspire him to imagine a word that has no relationship to his poem whatsoever- it just happens to rhyme- but this random word then springs loose a phrase that in turn brings an image to mind, an image that in turn resonates back through the first five lines, triggering a whole new sense and feeling, twisting and driving the poem to a richer meaning and emotion”

What the author of Story is saying here is that, had the poet allowed himself to just do whatever, had he allowed himself to just use a word that didn’t rhyme for the last verse, the poem he wrote would’ve never been as interesting.

The same goes for any kind of writing, really. If you allow your character to just do whatever, it’ll never get interesting. But if you, to yourself, very clearly define what your character can and cannot do, you will have to think creatively and cleverly when you find yourself backed in a corner. In this case the corner is you realizing that “my character can not beat the other!”, so you put your grey matter to work, trying to think of an interesting scenario that tips the odds in your fighter’s favours, and this creative solution is infinitely more interesting than had you allowed your fighter to use his rock to the foe’s scissors. That is the concept of creative limitation, and if you are serious about improving yourself you’d do well taking this into mind.

This is also why the point shouldn’t be to make the strongest character possible. It simply is not interesting, in any case. You can have characters that are strong, indeed characters that are very strong, like Handyman, but these characters offer something unique, they are, in their own way, interesting to fight. The planet eater, however, is not.

So to bring this all back to where it began and wrap it up with a neat bow tie; I see no way to make the character work as it is. He is too cobbled-together, too overcomplicated to sort out into a character that could make for an interesting story. We would have to start delving deep, very deep, tearing the character apart until all we have left is the core of what you imagined, the core of what you intended, but if we are to refine that core it would come out looking nothing like the character you have now.

Besides, if you want my opinion ; I doubt that, even if you were to extract the core from this character, you’d have something interesting. He’s simply too filled to the brim with cliché and bad writing. I suggest that you take your idea, this mage-fighter, and try to do something new with it altogether. Something simpler and more humble this time, preferably.

Actually, let’s talk about character creation real quick too. We must very clearly understand who and what we are writing characters for, in this case, it is the wRHG. A place where amateur writers come together for a little fun, by coming up with a character that they can feel is theirs and then having that character beat some other character into pulp. So what matters here? That you make a character that is fun for you to write with, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, that you make a character that is fun to write against.

For you see, Piston. All this shit I just gave you, all this critique I just wrote, it means absolutely fucking nihil zero nothing, if your character is fun to fight against. Prime example? Malacal’s Omega. He’s seen some rewriting nowadays but in the past Omega was an overcomplicated, storybook villain. But you know what? It didn’t matter, cause it was fun to read the battles he made, and the battles people wrote against him. Malacal took on a lot of big fish back in the day and I found myself rooting for the day he’d finally win a matchup, and I could track his improvement with every single battle. But Omega was a fun character, as was made apparent by his popularity and frequency of appearance in battles. Cause some of these older vets won’t fight you if you present them with boring rubbish.

So when you sit down next time to write a character, after you’ve finished it sit down for a moment and ask yourself ; “if I had a different character, would I enjoy fighting against this one?” if the answer is no, that’s a huge red flag and you should get to rewriting immediately.

That’s a boatload of critique right there, and we’re not done yet. I got most of the stuff I wanted to point out out of the way by now though, so with the next characters we’ll just be referencing what’s already been said.

2nd character; The Chemist

The continued use of measuring in retarded is annoying me, I’m quite done pulling up a retard-to-metric converter every time I want to know whether a character is as small as a cat or bigger than a fucking elephant. I mean, this forum is primarily used by the people from those few places where they indeed use the imperial measurements, but for the sake of the few I implore you to pull up a converter yourself when writing this, and just having both measurements there.

I spot white hair. I was wondering whether this was a side-effect of the drugs but you don’t even mention that. In any case it’s dumb edgy shit to try and appear cool and unique and it just makes him look like a cringey assfart so get rid of it. If you want to play on a loss of pigmentation in the hair because of his drug usage either give him grey hair or make him bald. In fact, I would much prefer the latter over fucking white hair.

His past is another snoozefest, but at least you had the wisdom to obscure most of it in the “known past” section. Again, he’s being inducted into shady business at a way too young age but since it has more precedent in real life I guess one could bat an eye if there was enough suspension of disbelief. While all of it is a bit more “grounded in reality”, it is still overplayed as fuck and as a result can’t help but end up being cliché.

When it comes to wRHG fighters, it’s much more about the here and now anyways. What they do in their time fighting others in the wRHG. The story leading up to it doesn’t need that much prominence, so again it is a wise move to obscure it if you can’t help but make it cliché as fuck.

Now, moving on to the abilities, I have to say you have a far more interesting and fresh character on your hands here than whatever dreg the planet eater was supposed to be. His theme is many times more focussed, and it just works a lot better in general. He’s strong, and can be stronger when he needs to be, but isn’t too strong even when he tries.

That being said, it is of course not exempt from flaws. I’m a bit too tired at this point to point them all out but some tweaks are definitely in order;

“If he uses all three boosters at the same time he turns into a complete psychopath crazy person until the boosters run out in five minutes.”

This is not a weakness. This is just basically frenzy mode. I mean I expected as much but honestly I’m not sure if I care all that much about this. This whole “he goes psycho” thing feels like it’s moreso there because you just wanted to be able to write a supposed psycho when you feel like it but this whole character is incredibly psychopathic in his nature already, so the frenzy seems redundant. Besides, you could do well by drawing some lessons from the Hannibal Lecter school of psychos for this one and have him remain calm and collected at any given moment. That inspires much more fear than the overplayed “he goes berserk” thing we’ve seen a hundred quintillion times here already.

Furthmore, five minutes is a long ass time in terms of fighting. Normal fights barely last a fifth of that time, and even that’s stretching it. But okay, these aren’t normal fights, these are spectacle fights, so of course they’re going to be a bit more drawn out. Put a shorter time frame on his injections and make the drawbacks of using them bigger, that way he has to employ them in a smarter fashion.

For example, repeated use will wear him down a lot. Using two at the same time puts him under a lot of strain once the effects end. Using all three at the same time basically knock him out once the effects end.

Also you’re gonna wanna tweak these “gasses”. You already have poison knives and there needs to be something to keep your guy from just spamming blindness gas all day to win. I like the idea of having this poisonous gas that puts the foe on a time limit to beat the Chemist before they pass out and/or die, but be sure not to overdo it.

All in all though, it’s a more decent, worked out character. If you put your back into this one it might develop into something interesting.

3rd character ; The pupeteer

Honestly this one is so threadbare as to things you gave him that I don’t even know what to say. Measurements are still in retarded, though I did not expect that to change, uh, oh he’s way younger than he should be, that seems to be an ongoing thing with you too. What else is there, let’s see.

Well his powers, there isn’t really much to say about them other than that they seem a bit… boring. He basically has ten strings that can cut through stuff or connect to stuff, and he has a robot that fights for him. So this is basically a duo character, then?

No backstory, no personality, no appearance, no weaknesses, no nothing. Just a very, very WIP character. If you want my opinion on his powers ; They seem boring. Wait shit I already said that.

Also why is he called Death’s pupeteer. What is it with you and stupid titles for everything?
4th character ; Self Insert mcgee

I’m not even going to critique this one for the simple sake of it being such an obvious self insert. The dude literally has your name, let me take a guess as to his powers and weaknesses ; Can make really shitty OC’s with dumb titles, but is unable to put more than five seconds thought into anything he writes.

Change the name and then maybe I’ll consider wasting my time reading this muck. For now, however, I’ll instead give you a critique of your other character Synthia.

??? character ; Synthesizer

So disregarding all the dumb shit I said about implied pedophilia on that thread like the retard I was, the biggest problem with that character was that there was essentially no difference from the character you’d already established, Steam. What’s the use of making a second character that does everything your first character did? Why even bother changing characters at all?

You didn’t give her any description as to personality either, I recall. Personality is an integral part of characters, don’t slack on it.

5th character ; Bl.An.C

Blast Android Class is ErrorBlender’s previous character, an android/human hybrid with a bit of a toolboxy set of powers and a whole lot of continuities. I myself wasn’t such a huge fan of him, then again I read very little of him either so that may be part of it.

Wait oh shit we’re not talking about that one? Oh, we’re talking about Blank, right. Completely different character, hold on let’s see what this one is about...











(Get it? Honestly though there’s nothing to say about this character, there’s nothing to him. Work him out some more then present him again. Initial thoughts on him are ; Way too powerful, boring as fuck.)

Right, that about wraps it up. I spent three hours writing all of this and honestly I’m getting tired of this exercise in futility anyways. As I said before, I’m moreso doing this for myself anyways because critiquing rubbish is a good way to test one’s knowledge. As for you, Piston, these things I said are all things to consider but you mustn’t necessarily answer all of them. There’s no need to prove yourself to me or anything, just try to understand and learn as much from the advice I’m giving you here, and if you feel like you need to point out some things or answer some questions, then by all means go ahead. I like some decent dialogue.

Last thing, and this is just from me to you, but try to work on your attitude a bit. Nobody here is owed you anything, keep that in mind. Good CnC is a rare commodity here and it is something to be grateful for, not something you should expect and demand from the people. Same goes for the time they invest reading your things. Every reader, every vote, is something to be thankful for, not something people here owe you. Then again I may be looking too far into this, and this may just be me seeing things, but still. Some humility and some gratefulness go a very, very long way.

Okay

Many valid points

I took little under a week on michael

I am glad I have one semi decent pile of shit in the form of Jack

and yes I do need to work on my attitude.

I hate to admit it but personalities are not my forte. And if anyone wants to describe Jack for me that would be great.

Thanks for the reveiw

IgnusBurns
04-25-2017, 07:27 PM
Giving Jack's "known info" section a quick glance over, I'd have to say he sounds like a mad scientist to me. Completely unsympathetic and immoral in his escapades and maybe a large degree insane(?)

Urako
04-25-2017, 09:27 PM
Giving Jack's "known info" section a quick glance over, I'd have to say he sounds like a mad scientist to me. Completely unsympathetic and immoral in his escapades and maybe a large degree insane(?)

If I may add to this, he seems like a cold callous drug dealer when not working on experiments who would kill without a second thought. Possibly calculating too. But extremely immoral as well and unsympathetic. (Yes you can be insane and cunning at the same time. It's just like how something can be precise but not accurate or simple yet difficult).

Also, don't call your old stuff failures, Vern's pretty harsh and while he does have some good points, things can always be fixed.

Piston1937
04-25-2017, 09:59 PM
Thanks

And the reason I put them in the failures secton was because they weren't that fun to write. Well pupas might com out but the others most likely not.

also i think i will focus on jack as my next main character.

also I want to give some credit to Aquila because Abra was the inspiration for jack.

Vern
04-27-2017, 02:34 AM
I took little under a week on michael

Well if you spent more than a single sitting writing him that means you're at least trying, albeit that your performance isn't really there yet, but we'll get to that in a second.


I am glad I have one semi decent pile of shit in the form of Jack

I told you you have the premise for an interesting character, not an interesting pile of shit. You mustn't take my insults too personal since I tend to refer to just about anything as shit.

On that topic, Urako is right that you shouldn't call your previous characters failures, just attempts. If you are sincere about improving, then there is no harm in sucking. For we all start from rock bottom, we all begin by writing shit and it's only through continued practice that we learn and improve, so just view past mistakes as steps toward getting better, as opposed to just straight out failures.

Also since you want feedback on Jack's personality, I already told you to take a few lessons from the Hannibal Lecter school of psychopaths (if you've no clue who Lecter is you seriously need to brush up on your literature and movies). Insane, yet also collected, charming and cunning (and perhaps a few other words that don't start with c). Though I don't immediately see Jack being all that charismatic given his repertoire, he would need a fair share of wit to keep his bearing. And, as Urako and Ignus pointed out, he doesn't really strike me as the nicest fellow to have around, if you catch my drift.

I did think you had taken inspiration out of Abra since I recognized a few things in it. Perhaps you should ask Aquila for some help constructing your character, then? I'm not sure if he'd be willing to comply but there's no harm in trying.

Piston1937
05-02-2017, 06:37 PM
Well I have a new char idea.

Probably sucks but he was fun to write up

And trying to balance Michael out has been an extreme exercise in rage, futility, and Extereme mental suffering

Urako
05-02-2017, 06:55 PM
Well I have a new char idea.

Probably sucks but he was fun to write up

And trying to balance Michael out has been an extreme exercise in rage, futility, and Extereme mental suffering

Go for it.

I still want to fight Jack soon if I get the chance though.

Piston1937
05-04-2017, 01:49 PM
If you wanna battle thenPM me and we can begin though you do have a choice you canstill battle steam


So what are everyone ideas on Inky. I think he is a good idea but not really fighter stuff.(He is still in the early stages so maybe he will come out as my next fighter)

Okay now I have a librarian and a mechanic. and a something else

Now I have a guy with a hoverboard shield thing

Piston1937
05-06-2017, 06:55 PM
Okay new batch ready for overlooking

Urako
05-07-2017, 04:01 PM
First off, all of them have a lot of stuff you need to add before they are finished.


1# I'm not sure how powerful his technopathy should be. I think his board is his main skill so his technopathy probably shouldn't be very strong if he has it.
2# Word of warning. Lead is not magnetic so that propulsion field is usually not going to have much of an effect on bullets. Then again you did say it was explicitly strong enough to affect bullets so I guess it's already. But just keep it in mind that it would have to be very strong indeed.
3# Most of his weaknesses are legit, but weakness 6 is more of a strength. "Only Dynamo can use it" is not a weakness.
4# Not really a critique, but I can't help but feel like this is copied from somewhere (knowingly or unknowingly).



1# First off, his short-ranged fighter weakness makes no sense. He fights primarily close ranged with his arm and if anything, his weakness would be to ranged opponents since he has little means to counter then. (Yes he has a magnetic field but lead does not have a strong reaction to magnets being non-magnetic and all:p)
2# Could you explain to me exactly how many things that arm can switch between? Some tools could be a pretty big deal (like an industrial grade nailgun) and I wouldn't want to miss details such as that.



The only question about Inky is in the story. Did he use his powers to shift to story characters to fight off intruders? Also, why did he go along with the man and help defend his library when he bought him as a boy and trapped his soul in a book?

Piston1937
05-07-2017, 11:18 PM
First off, all of them have a lot of stuff you need to add before they are finished.


1# I'm not sure how powerful his technopathy should be. I think his board is his main skill so his technopathy probably shouldn't be very strong if he has it.
2# Word of warning. Lead is not magnetic so that propulsion field is usually not going to have much of an effect on bullets. Then again you did say it was explicitly strong enough to affect bullets so I guess it's already. But just keep it in mind that it would have to be very strong indeed.
3# Most of his weaknesses are legit, but weakness 6 is more of a strength. "Only Dynamo can use it" is not a weakness.
4# Not really a critique, but I can't help but feel like this is copied from somewhere (knowingly or unknowingly).



1# First off, his short-ranged fighter weakness makes no sense. He fights primarily close ranged with his arm and if anything, his weakness would be to ranged opponents since he has little means to counter then. (Yes he has a magnetic field but lead does not have a strong reaction to magnets being non-magnetic and all:p)
2# Could you explain to me exactly how many things that arm can switch between? Some tools could be a pretty big deal (like an industrial grade nailgun) and I wouldn't want to miss details such as that.



The only question about Inky is in the story. Did he use his powers to shift to story characters to fight off intruders? Also, why did he go along with the man and help defend his library when he bought him as a boy and trapped his soul in a book?



1 The technopathy is there more as an excuse for how he built the hover board in a junkyard. But it isn't all that powerful. He can see what a machine does by touching it and how to improve it and thats about it

2 Oh right. Heh forgot that little fact. Well damn physics. Jk I'll need to fix that.

3 6 is just there as an idea I wrote down

4 probably. Tell me when you find the person I am copying so I can apologize.


Okay for this one I am going to need to change your perspective a little. Nah too hard. I originaly made Arrick to be a human railgun he would use his magnetic feild to manipulate objects and fire them at a high velocity.

But now that I think about it. Yah he would do great as a close quarters fighter.


1 this guy needs a new name

2 he was a BABY

3 it is an inkwell not a book

4 He defends the library because it is the only home he has


To be added to

Crank
05-08-2017, 02:59 PM
Just out of curiosity, are you planning something with these guys? Like, they gonna be part of Steam/Lead's arc, or like, practice concepts?

Piston1937
05-08-2017, 05:32 PM
Bit of both. I am building them so that I can create intricate stories later on when I am a decent writer. But yah most are just practice.

Crank
05-08-2017, 08:17 PM
Alright, I'll take a peek at the guy who's a direct weakness to one of mine.


First off, by his gender being fluid, to you mean he sways between identifying as fe/male, or being made of ink, biologically sways between male and female?

With his appearance, is there any color to him? What I'm visualizing is something akin to a statue.

http://1dad1kid.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/DSC_0027_thumb.jpg

All one color, but details are made with outline/depth. Is this accurate, or does he manipulate multiple colors to take on a fleshy tone/give his eyes specific color? With that in mind, does he take on human behavior? We blink to keep our eyes moist, is this something he's picked up on (despite isolation) or does he stare like Hannibal Lector? Similarly, does he visually age? And how's that something he'd pick up? Clothing is another thing that raises questions. Does he make them out of ink, or if not, does he physically have some? Does his body stain it, or is there some sort of membrane that stops that? Like how you can touch the surface of water without getting your finger wet.

With his speaking, are the bubbles physically attached to him, or can he actually make the ink fly? I assume it's flat so you only have a good view from the one angle, but how legible is the writing? And we talking full words here?

Does the man who brought him there stay there? If so, what's the relationship there? Father/son, master/apprentice?

Either way, it sounds like a hell of a lot of isolation. Is Iris the lonely type? Does he create creatures just for the sake of playing with, and with reading those books, are they based on characters he's come across.

If he's not the lonely type, there has to be some crippling boredom going on at some point. With the perfect memory, I don't know how many times you can read the same story, and sure there's an entire library there, but if every book's already been read...

What's the deal with people trying to steal books from the back room? Has he read the books in the back room? (assuming yes because of one thing up) If so, does he realize what's so important about them? And how does he feel about this mission? Sure, it's still the beginning of eternity, but it's eternity in one spot.


Basically, what sets one character apart from the others? Depth makes difference, powers are cool and all, but if everyone's just a different skin of each other, there's still a lack of variety, no matter how long the list

Piston1937
05-08-2017, 08:43 PM
Iris was a story idea that I jotted down.

I took some ideas from bendy and the ink machine and turned it into my own RHG fighter

and the original was much different

And he is nowhere near finished

And yes he is a loner. He spends his time reading books and defends the library from thieves with the creatures that he reads about.

Azarel CS.777
05-29-2017, 09:39 AM
So Inky can summon ink creatures... first it was soulfood's WRHG., then Oster's, and now yours! ITS KINDA SIMILAR TO SAI!!!
(Don't judge me i'm a Naruto fanboy.)

Haru
05-29-2017, 02:58 PM
So Inky can summon ink creatures... first it was soulfood's WRHG., then Oster's, and now yours! ITS KINDA SIMILAR TO SAI!!!
(Don't judge me i'm a Naruto fanboy.)

No. Please don't.
Please.
+Whocares

Happy that good stuff is going on here. Keep going, mate.

Piston1937
05-30-2017, 01:35 PM
oh and don't forget Pupas. He was a puppeteer too.