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GreekGladiator
03-06-2018, 01:04 PM
So a while ago I told Devour to take down the old thread with my previous work because I wanted to scrap it and start fresh again. Now that the idea was finally settled into my head and I have created a basic world for the story here it is:

The beginning (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nKTl8ht453pJ-2S4iNPGqN5x1lEPUM5X3kD-PgC5e2k/edit)

Chapter I (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1x9EOJXrK5Etw_oNpnQ_WDeiAVw3lWdOud4jPQl2Hc1c/edit)

Chapter II (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LKP76QJDvlKtmrLpS8Kql4IENDEWhbmDCsKTeDEs4vg/edit)

Of course this is not by any means the final form of it and it is most definately subject to change(especially the prologue). Any suggestions or advice is really welcome and appreciated(and CnC).

Here I also have a sort of 'table' where I have written some basic things about anything involved in the story. It is not complete either and will probably grow as the story progresses.

Table of Contents (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ca6WNBXaneK2bavDW9JVhDSS54Ja1kOdU7r02IbIQZo/edit)

Comments are allowed on every document and if they aren't, please let me know.

EDIT: I hope I will be able to change the title if I change my mind.

Cassandra
03-07-2018, 10:55 AM
The story seems interesting so far. I can see a number of inconsistencies in your first chapter though. Would you like me to give you some suggestions on how to fix some of them?


There will be infrequencies and burst of inspirations(not that anyone cares).

I know exactly how that feels :D

If you stick to this, I'm sure it'll turn out great. One of my biggest issues is dedication. I could be completely into one character, and then as soon as I make another one, I want to dedicate myself to that one too etc. etc. XD

Good luck!

GreekGladiator
03-07-2018, 11:40 AM
As I stated above, any commentary and suggestion are welcomed and endorsed. The inconsistencies probably exist because I wrote half of the chapter, like, at the start of February and the rest of it yesterday :p.

Also I have basically given up on wRHG completely because I want to focus on this specifically. Maybe if there's an event I might participate, just for a change, but anything besides that... meh. Thanks for the help! :D

EDIT:Oh shit, now I remembered that you can comment on the chapters directly so do it there ok?(caps will be changed within 23,42 hours)

Cassandra
03-07-2018, 05:13 PM
23,42 hours

Thank you for the clarification. :)

I'll just pick out a couple spots; just to give other helpers a chance to see things too.

Crank
03-08-2018, 12:35 PM
It looks like The Beginning and Chapter 1 are the same link. Is there just the one at the moment, or is there supposed to be another?

GreekGladiator
03-08-2018, 12:46 PM
It looks like The Beginning and Chapter 1 are the same link. Is there just the one at the moment, or is there supposed to be another?

...My bad then. I must have messed it up with the copy-paste and the same link twice... Fixing it right away!

EDIT: A mojor addition is to be expected in the Table of Contents in the following week(or weekend). Stay tuned!

EDIT2: I am noticing I am using too much this edit thingy so I might cut it for now...(I understand how ironic it is for to say such thing on an edit, yeah...)

Crank
03-08-2018, 02:37 PM
Alright, here goes!


So, this mostly deals with emotions, but the stronger response that something'll get, the more important it is to show it.

At this moment he realised he was in confined. More specifically, he lay on a metal table with his wrists and ankles locked by what felt like metal bracelets tied up to the table.

You and I both know this is a sucky situation to be in, but the way it's told is just so casual. It's like if I told you I saw my ex in the parking lot but didn't mention she set my car on fire. It's a bad place to be, ya just gotta show it.

At this moment he realised he was in confined. More specifically, he lay on a metal table with his wrists and ankles locked by what felt like metal bracelets tied up to the table, like he was about to be sacrificed to a heathen god. Slowly, pulled his arm closer to his slide, dragging the small chain as far at it could, the steel making the ghost of a grind against the surface he was laying on until it was at his length. Letting out a long breath, he gave a steady tug hoping to hear a sound, any sound tell him a weakness in the links, but as sweat beat on his head, it was mute as a mime. He couldn't just be at their mercy, could he?

Maybe not the greatest example, but when you get bad news, thoughts swim in you head like a school of fish. It's the same type of issue with the ambush closer to the end.



This is more of a question of your world, but as Liam discovers what lies inside, there should be a contrast between what he knows, and the baseline of information that people would assume Liam knows.

“My name is Hugo, and I am the leader of Munich’s Resistance. You might ask yourself what is that, well I have to ask some questions first to see if you are trustworthy, ok?”

If there's an evil group taking over the land, what Munich's Resistance does is probably self explanatory, and the people of Munich have probably at least heard of it. I would also go as far as to say that Munich isn't the only place resisting, and since Liam, at this point, hasn't spoken a word to any of these people, it's weird that they'd think he would need the refresher. It might not sound like a bit deal, but it pulls you out of the story when you start questioning things.


And we're back to emotion again. Don't worry! It's one of the harder things with writing, so don't beat yourself up!

I'm just gonna open with an example from TV to kinda show what I'm saying.

"They paint the world full of shadows and then they tell their children to stay close to the light. Their Light, their reasons, their judgments. Because in the darkness there be dragons. But it isn’t true. We can prove that it isn’t true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility. There is freedom in the dark, once someone has illuminated it. And who has been so close to doing it as we are right now?"

As good as any speech is, it's always going to look stale if it's just a paragraph without change. How does it really sound? How are they saying the words? Is it really so non-stop?

"They paint the world full of shadows... and then they tell their children to stay close to the light. Their Light... their reasons... their judgments.

Because in the darkness... there be dragons.

But it isn’t true. We can prove that it isn’t true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility... There is freedom in the dark, once someone has illuminated it. And who has been so close to doing it as we are right now?"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqvd7yWel3k

It takes some getting used to and figuring out, but which one sounds better?

---
“Now that we have some peace, I can finally get to my point. Listen, nobody, I repeat NOBODY, must know that I did this and nobody must learn what I am about to tell you…” Hugo’s grip on Liam’s shoulder was getting tighter as he spoke. “You can’t trust anyone in this place you understand me? Now even me for the sake of it. Nobody in this world is trustworthy and they will all try and persuade you into their cult. It’s just sides fighting each other; you must stay out of this for your own good, otherwise you will enter this mayhem that I enter long time ago. This is just a game for some, and for others it’s their lives at stake. So do your best and avoid participating at this whole messed up thing… Now I will offer you a choice to do all of what I just said. I can get you to a safe port and board you on a ship that will take you as far as it can from here, just if you say it. You have to make up your mind now before they restore the power. I know it might be putting pres-”

---

“Now that we have some peace, I can finally get to my point. Listen, nobody, I repeat NOBODY, must know that I did this, and nobody must learn what I am about to tell you…” Hugo’s grip on Liam’s shoulder was getting tighter as he spoke. “You can’t trust anyone in this place you understand me? Now even me for the sake of it. Nobody in this world is trustworthy and they will all try and persuade you into their... cult. It’s just sides fighting each other; you must stay out of this for your own good, otherwise you will enter this mayhem that I enter long time ago. This is just a game for some, and for others... it’s their lives at stake. So, do your best and avoid participating at this whole messed up thing… Now, I will offer you a choice to do all of what I just said. I can get you to a safe port and board you on a ship that will take you as far as it can from here, just if you say it. You have to make up your mind now before they restore the power. I know it might be putting pres-”
---

You can also cut away and show expressions in the pauses as well, but it can get awkward if you do too many. I strongly recommend playing with bold and italics the next time you have someone with a lot to say.

A good start though! Lookin' forward to what's to come!

GreekGladiator
03-09-2018, 02:10 PM
Alright, here goes!


So, this mostly deals with emotions, but the stronger response that something'll get, the more important it is to show it.

At this moment he realised he was in confined. More specifically, he lay on a metal table with his wrists and ankles locked by what felt like metal bracelets tied up to the table.

You and I both know this is a sucky situation to be in, but the way it's told is just so casual. It's like if I told you I saw my ex in the parking lot but didn't mention she set my car on fire. It's a bad place to be, ya just gotta show it.

At this moment he realised he was in confined. More specifically, he lay on a metal table with his wrists and ankles locked by what felt like metal bracelets tied up to the table, like he was about to be sacrificed to a heathen god. Slowly, pulled his arm closer to his slide, dragging the small chain as far at it could, the steel making the ghost of a grind against the surface he was laying on until it was at his length. Letting out a long breath, he gave a steady tug hoping to hear a sound, any sound tell him a weakness in the links, but as sweat beat on his head, it was mute as a mime. He couldn't just be at their mercy, could he?

Maybe not the greatest example, but when you get bad news, thoughts swim in you head like a school of fish. It's the same type of issue with the ambush closer to the end.



This is more of a question of your world, but as Liam discovers what lies inside, there should be a contrast between what he knows, and the baseline of information that people would assume Liam knows.

“My name is Hugo, and I am the leader of Munich’s Resistance. You might ask yourself what is that, well I have to ask some questions first to see if you are trustworthy, ok?”

If there's an evil group taking over the land, what Munich's Resistance does is probably self explanatory, and the people of Munich have probably at least heard of it. I would also go as far as to say that Munich isn't the only place resisting, and since Liam, at this point, hasn't spoken a word to any of these people, it's weird that they'd think he would need the refresher. It might not sound like a bit deal, but it pulls you out of the story when you start questioning things.


And we're back to emotion again. Don't worry! It's one of the harder things with writing, so don't beat yourself up!

I'm just gonna open with an example from TV to kinda show what I'm saying.

"They paint the world full of shadows and then they tell their children to stay close to the light. Their Light, their reasons, their judgments. Because in the darkness there be dragons. But it isn’t true. We can prove that it isn’t true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility. There is freedom in the dark, once someone has illuminated it. And who has been so close to doing it as we are right now?"

As good as any speech is, it's always going to look stale if it's just a paragraph without change. How does it really sound? How are they saying the words? Is it really so non-stop?

"They paint the world full of shadows... and then they tell their children to stay close to the light. Their Light... their reasons... their judgments.

Because in the darkness... there be dragons.

But it isn’t true. We can prove that it isn’t true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility... There is freedom in the dark, once someone has illuminated it. And who has been so close to doing it as we are right now?"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqvd7yWel3k

It takes some getting used to and figuring out, but which one sounds better?

---
“Now that we have some peace, I can finally get to my point. Listen, nobody, I repeat NOBODY, must know that I did this and nobody must learn what I am about to tell you…” Hugo’s grip on Liam’s shoulder was getting tighter as he spoke. “You can’t trust anyone in this place you understand me? Now even me for the sake of it. Nobody in this world is trustworthy and they will all try and persuade you into their cult. It’s just sides fighting each other; you must stay out of this for your own good, otherwise you will enter this mayhem that I enter long time ago. This is just a game for some, and for others it’s their lives at stake. So do your best and avoid participating at this whole messed up thing… Now I will offer you a choice to do all of what I just said. I can get you to a safe port and board you on a ship that will take you as far as it can from here, just if you say it. You have to make up your mind now before they restore the power. I know it might be putting pres-”

---

“Now that we have some peace, I can finally get to my point. Listen, nobody, I repeat NOBODY, must know that I did this, and nobody must learn what I am about to tell you…” Hugo’s grip on Liam’s shoulder was getting tighter as he spoke. “You can’t trust anyone in this place you understand me? Now even me for the sake of it. Nobody in this world is trustworthy and they will all try and persuade you into their... cult. It’s just sides fighting each other; you must stay out of this for your own good, otherwise you will enter this mayhem that I enter long time ago. This is just a game for some, and for others... it’s their lives at stake. So, do your best and avoid participating at this whole messed up thing… Now, I will offer you a choice to do all of what I just said. I can get you to a safe port and board you on a ship that will take you as far as it can from here, just if you say it. You have to make up your mind now before they restore the power. I know it might be putting pres-”
---

You can also cut away and show expressions in the pauses as well, but it can get awkward if you do too many. I strongly recommend playing with bold and italics the next time you have someone with a lot to say.

A good start though! Lookin' forward to what's to come!

First of all thanks for the CnC! It is really appreciated and I hope it will help me get better.

Now... I know that my biggest weakness when it comes to writing is describing an image I got in my head, onto the paper(screen?). Also for about the same reason I created the table of contents. I want this to help people understand what is going on and who is who better; but at the same time I want it to not spoil the climax. I found out it is quite tricky to maintain the balance and I'll on it for sure.

As for what happening with Munich's Resistance and what it is, wait for the next chapter or too and you'll see ;) The first chapter will be heavily plot-driven so to establish what is going on and what goes where, so I'm not just throwing words at you with no meaning or cohesion.

PS: My inability to describe is very well shown in how you perceived the table to be. I clearly didn't give enough information so you can understand it is a like a table version of the electric chair(without the lethal parts, just the things that hold you in place).

GreekGladiator
04-14-2018, 02:33 PM
WAT UP MY NIG--

OK I am not doing this. Just wanted to push the thread so people are notified of the new chapter. Sorry for double post, but come on. Come on. It had been more than a month. Come on. Come on.

The Table of Contents will also be updated as new things are revealed in the story. A timeline has been added but is still pretty much 5% done. It will be probably be done between this and the next chapter(no I won't time travel to do it before this chapter).

On a sidenote, the 'I' on my keyboard doesn't work if I don't smash it with a force of 6482N. So there's that too I guess. And please tell me if editing the original post pushes the thread to show t wth blue letters(my words fail time to go to sleep).

EDIT: Holy shit this sub-thread has died in the last week. Come on guys, I know I am a hypocrite for saying this, but start reading!