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GreekGladiator
09-04-2018, 02:56 PM
So yeah, I decided to change this thingy. I still don't have a name for this. I probably won't touch this for long, until I have some sort of major update that is too important for the replies only. The big thing this time is that I created a new document with some overall schtuff about the world. I created it more for personal use, since so far I haven't written any kind of storyboard whatsoever and I realised I actually need something to keep track of everything so I can be consistent. I will be updating whenever something is revealed in the main story or when I feel like something is important enough to the plot. I won't be keeping track of when I add something like I do with the normal chapters of the story. Good, now I got an excuse for being lazy once again.

I hope I didn't leak any information (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kIdYe_748LOioOTl1w8v5x-aJ-JHRjcgkRRyNR1bMhc/edit)

Of course, the main story doc is still here:

Prepare to be *deleted* (https://docs.google.com/document/d/15QkTqL4mifq2kISHY_KB-4ecTq_7gpfwrJbHxTX-GRQ/edit)

Apparently, I can't up writing such a massive story completely from my mind, without any notes or something. Huh.

Crank
09-05-2018, 03:40 PM
Heh, you might not like the title, but have the movies/shows I can think of are just the name of their protagonist.

Anyway! I just finished the prologue, and while I peppered some minor notes throughout, the main thing that seems off, is that you really don't know who A004 is. I mean yeah sure, keep your secrets and all that, but we don't know why he matters or why we should be on his side. Is there anything about him that would give him any sense or rank? Otherwise as it is, it feels like a private ranting at a king, and while I'd pay to see that, the power dynamic doesn't fit with the story its introducing. If A004 is a soldier, is his armor damaged in any way? If this is a distopia, are there any marks on him that show his worth? Basically, is there any light you can shine on this guy that justifies why he's someone worth negotiating with?

The other thing that kinda ties in, is I spent most of the prologue thinking A004's problem is that he has the inability to get physically taller. Is that the issue? If not, it could shine some light on the things I've mentioned above. So far so good!

EDIT: With chapter 1, I'd say the main takeaway is inner voice. I try to be polite and sometimes mildly formal, but in the back of my mind, there's still my 'me' voice. When a character thinks, it's typically their default. I just drove really far and I have a bit of a crippling height problem, and while the Rocky Mountains are objectively beautiful, there was a lot of 'Fuckthisgoddamnbullshit!' I'd fill my gas tank, smile to the cashier, wish them a good day, and then go straight back to 'Fuuuuuuuuuuck!' when I'm back on the curvy, narrow bridges of Colorado. When you look at something, what do you think? How do you think it?

Something has changed. They are acting more and more assertive. I must be missing something. Perhaps my grasp on them isn’t as strong as I previously thought. I must plan my next moves carefully; my position is endangered. I will once again have to sacrifice my precious free time to do some digging. But maybe they will feel brave enough to start spying on me again? Uhh, this is stressing me way too much. For now my place is safe. Remember A4, they need you. You may not like each other, but they need you and you need them.

Something changed... They're acting more and more assertive. Did I miss something? Maybe I don't know that as much as I thought. I need to be more careful, I'm screwed if I mess up again, so I can kiss my free time goodbye. It's going to take a lot of digging to figure this out. Maybe they'll feel brave enough to start spying on me again? Uhh, this is stressing me way too much. For now my place is safe. Remember A4, they need you. They might be awful, but they need you and you need them.

Generally, your head is going to be the most casual and least filtered, really show off your characters' personality when you're giving that clear a window.

All in all though, it's looking good so far!

GreekGladiator
09-06-2018, 01:32 AM
Crank as always leading the way in helping us newbies! I remember that you were always first to reply when I posted a story; I really appreciate that.

I looked through your comments and I have to say thank you. Apparently, proofreading at midnight isn't the best. Many of your questions about the prologue will be answered on Chapter 2(can't expect to know everything from the prologue). I want this to be this kind of dual story but so far I seem too focused on A004. The secrets of this world will inravel as the story continues and more opportunities for exposition appear. When I said 'development' I meant it skillwise. With more training and excercise you become more skillful at something and A004 has stopped doing exactly that.

It probably will take sometime for Chapter 4 as I want to devote equal time to both protagonists and I also have to find a way to lengthen the story more since, as it is going right now, it will have to end very quickly. I probably will rework parts of the previous chapters too because they don't really reflect the story I want to tell. Let's just hope I don't get bored of this one too.

Damn man, I was receiving notification at 1am. Also:

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Crank
09-06-2018, 03:23 PM
Happy to help!

Chapter 2 looks like it dealt with a lot of important stuff, but it looks like you could work on your feeling though large chunks of dialogue. It's a harder thing to do, so don't worry that it needs work, but if you have a large chunk that doesn't break away, and it's just normal letters and periods, it's going to be read dryly no matter the subject.

“Hahaha no. Voting is an idea long lost with the High Command. They went for a more… direct answer. They simply gave us all a knife, a special pistol and very limited ammunition and threw us all into a large labyrinth. We weren’t told what was the objective or the mission. We were just told to kill anything that moves. Nobody knew what was going on at first. The labyrinth was very large so it took us a while before some of us met each other. I remember when I first met someone, my helmet suddenly started buzzing. At first it was a mere nuisance, but it became very loud very quickly. The same happened to the one in front of me. I quickly lost focus of anything that happened around since I was trying to get the helmet of my head. The sound was becoming deafening but the helmet was fixed to my head. Then I heard a bang. He gave up first apparently since he shot himself. Did I tell you that were, what, 12 years old? Maybe 11, I don’t know…”

Until this last sentence, it comes off as casual because you can't hear the fluctuation in the voice. I assume it's not meant to be casual? The 'Hahaha' also reinforces that, which puts me a little more on the fence. I think I've touched on it with you before, but like I said, it's can be tricky to get a feel for. Anyway! When you hear A004 in your head, how's he saying the word? Which ones are he putting emphasis on, and what's the emphasis he's putting on them? Without the reference, it comes off as flat or casual.

"Voting is an idea long lost with the High Command. They went for a more… direct answer. They simply gave us all a knife, a special pistol and very limited ammunition and... threw us all into a large labyrinth. We weren’t told what was the objective or the mission. We were just told to kill anything that moves... Nobody knew what was going on at first. The labyrinth was very large so it took us a while before some of us met each other. I remember when I first met someone, my helmet suddenly started buzzing. At first it was a mere nuisance, but it became very loud very quickly. The same happened to the one in front of me. I quickly lost focus of anything that happened around since I was trying to get the helmet of my head. The sound was becoming deafening but the helmet was fixed to my head. ...Then I heard a bang. ...He gave up first... apparently since he shot himself. Did I tell you that were, what, 12 years old? Maybe 11, I don’t know…”

Keep up the good work!

GreekGladiator
09-14-2018, 03:06 PM
Just put up the fourth chapter. I have to admit, school and everything is sucking me dry. I find it harder and harder to get motivated to sit down and write or edit the story. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going is how much I like the idea. It would really give me a boost if more of you gave a CnC like Crank, it doesn't have to be specific or that detailed, anything helps. Again thanks for the support(in advance).

As it is again midnight when I am finishing this, I might have missed some spelling mistakes so be kind enough to use the comments to let me know :D

Urako
09-14-2018, 10:09 PM
I don't know what to say really. I don't have a lot of time to post things anymore. I guess I will say that some of the changes and events feel a bit rushed without too much context behind them and the council seems a bit cliche but otherwise I love the world you are building and I really hope that you can keep it up. Does that help?

The council is working for the bad guys. It's the only way I can think of to explain their apathy to their own soldiers and people. I mean, generals expect casualties but they usually try their hardest to avoid them unlike these guys who want to randomly kill off this one guy for PR reasons and happily withdraw to a center point instead of forming a close parameter when they know it will lead to more death.

GreekGladiator
09-14-2018, 11:57 PM
Thanks for the reply! I am aware that the plot is moving way too fast at the beginning, but if I were to change that right now, I am afraid I would mess the whole thing up. Once I have completed it or perhaps when I am deep into it, I will be for sure changing a lot of stuff. This is by now way the end product.

Now here's the plot twist(or it is just me being bad at conveying a message). The 'bad guys' are actually the High Command, if you want to call them that. They are the highest authority around(and thus their name) and are ruling with an iron fist. Also this is no simple 'war' that's going on. It is an existential battle threatening humanity with extinction. The High Command's motives are unknown and their methods questionable, but that's all humans got. That thing that I foreshadowed at the end of the fourth chapter, oh it gon be good. Without spoiling much, you are going to see what those infamous 'Alectons' are. Be more patient and everything will start falling into place.

I want at the end of every chapter to put a small segment that looks into the meetings of the High Command, but I am stupid so of course I forgot about it only four chapters in. Going to be adding that as soon as possible. Again thanks for the reply!

Crank
09-17-2018, 12:15 AM
"All the power you’ve built up… was on hundreds upon hundreds of powderkegs. Right now; it is raining fire."

First and foremost, this might very well be just my opinion and preference, but I'm a big fan of similes and metaphors. To me, it like being a lawn of straight grass vs having a tree. I'm not opposed to only grass, but trees just give a little soul. A patchy lawn is a bad sign, but its worth with a dead tree in the summer. Lush green is beautiful, but it's more inviting with an apple tree. I think I previously talked about how words can have a bias, but if there aren't sinister or heartwarming mechanics of something, it's an easy insert of 'feel this way'.

Right now, she didn’t know how to feel. After what she saw, her mind was clouded with thoughts and feelings she couldn’t really understand. She knew that it probably wasn’t his fault for being in this situation, but it still was atrocious. It was like he was a completely different person, or perhaps was it his true self?

Right now, she didn’t know how to feel. After what she saw, her mind was clouded with thoughts and feelings she couldn’t really understand, like she saw a puppy maul a baby. She knew that it probably wasn’t his fault for being in this situation, but it still was atrocious. It was like he was a completely different person, or perhaps was it his true self?

Right now, she didn’t know how to feel. After what she saw, her mind was clouded with thoughts and feelings she couldn’t really understand. She knew that it probably wasn’t his fault for being in this situation, but it still was atrocious, like he was a hound tearing her foxes apart. It was like he was a completely different person, or perhaps was it his true self?

Arguably not the greatest examples, but in one it's he did x but he's just a y, whereas the other is this was straight bad. I don't know, to me it's like painting with mixed colors rather than just the main 6. ...That was way better than trees. Why'd I talk about trees for a paragraph?

Next, I see you've diffidently made some big strides with dialogue and mixing up the way the words are, but I'd like to see it a little more selective. At least in my experience, people tend to only punch a word or so at a time. Sure, there are a lot of exceptions, like when you're yelling at someone for example or being a smartass, but for the most part, I'd say it's picking your shots.

“You know about a rumour that this… A004 has, right? It is said that more hybrids have died by his hand than in the battlefield. I know that is most likely an exaggeration, but the fact remains. He is a hybrid-killer. Get close to him and he will make you suffer. Or the other possibility is that you kill him. You two just seem incompatible in every sense. It would be very funny to see how this would go. You both struggling to make it all work, against everyone and everything.”

“You know about a rumor that this… A004 has, right? It is said that more hybrids have died by his hand than in the battlefield. I know that is most likely an exaggeration, but the fact remains. He is a hybrid-killer. Get close to him and he will make you suffer. Or the other possibility is that you kill him. You two just seem incompatible in every sense. It would be very funny to see how this would go. You both struggling to make it all work, against everyone and everything.”

This isn't something I expect to see on every line of dialogue, but its the same sense where in a fight, you highlight the turning points. If feels like he's trying to get Ellie to turn on A004, so what's going to make his point the best? This is especially true if you have a more composed character.

Lastly, while I'm getting the image the council is bad, I'd like to see why I should fear them. Nothing they've pulled on A004 has worked, and A004 has already taken them down several pegs. I'm a big fan of the Borderlands games, and I think there are villains you should fear/hate, and those that haven't earned that.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK3E1m_tV8A

I couldn't find anything isolated in this second one, but skip to 1:34

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcH8VwGoquk&index=5&list=PLqBTiHv6qMa4K1HJPE8CITjg-AaIAtaBo

Either can be pulled off just fine, but if you want an authoritative enemy, they need to be shown in that light. If A004 isn't scared of the council or have to bow to them, how about anyone else? Sure, it looks like they're out of his reach, but they haven't been depicted as being anything that should worry him as of yet. I'm not trying to imply they're as cartoony as Nakayama, but they don't appear to have power. They're like the police captain in a movie that the detective goes rouge.

All in all though, good work! Lookin' forward to what comes next!

GreekGladiator
09-24-2018, 01:38 PM
UPDATE: Turns out that Chapter V is going to be way bigger than I expected, so I will break it in two parts. I will refine the first part, which is complete and post, since I currently progressing very slowly.(I know you all expected it so much so :/ )

I also really have to stop doing this after 10pm cause it ain't good. School has turned out to be a lot harder than I thought, so I have less time than I'd like to focus on writing my story. And here's a small spoiler about the chapter:


It's bad. At least worse than what I have in my head(which is awesome btw), so it's up to you to correct my mistakes :D

EDIT: Chapter V is up(nobody cares). Also I have a feeling that as I go along with the story, it actually becomes worse. Perhaps I am becoming more aware of how bad it always was? Only Crank will tell(get it? I am so funny).

GreekGladiator
10-06-2018, 03:11 PM
(Benine double post.)

So, I just added Chapter VI. I feel that even though it isn't that forced, the plot is moving kinda quickly, sucking out its depth. I am really excited of how this is turning out.

I really shouldn't be doing this at midnight... This is unpossible. Anyway, CnC and comments on the doc are appreciated. Now goodnight.

Crank
10-09-2018, 01:30 AM
Snap I got behind.

Anyway! I'd say the main thing to work on in regards to Chapter 5 is chaos. Especially in times of no dialogue, people are going to feel what they're shown, so unfortunately, if you don't stray from your strong willed protagonist, your readers won't feel the full gravity of the situation.

Outpost 53 was on high alert. Sirens and alarms were covering any other sound. Everyone knew what that meant. An Alecton attack was imminent and everyone was getting prepared. Troops were deploying around the walls and the pilots had entered their mechs. Civilians were getting into their protected bunkers and the defences activated.

A004 was walking with a fast pace towards the command tower at the west side of the wall. He knew he had no chance of actually fighting, so he was at least going to take part by commanding the upcoming battle. As he walked past the running soldiers and made his way to the top of the tower, he caught a glimpse of what was coming. It mostly was a mob a small Class V and Class IV but he felt that something bigger was heading fast towards them.

I understand that attacks are bad, but what does it mean for the people that live there? A004 is focused, which is good for a soldier, but what's happening around him? Part of what makes him brave is the contrast that surrounds him, which also shows the threat and why we should be invested in it. I like clips, and I meant to find a dramatic one, but after an hour in a rabbit hole I'll settle for come pitch black comedy.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smmAuiJ-lxY

The only reason Starr is badass is because he's surrounded by normal people to show that he's unique in his position. Ironically to focus on what sets someone apart from the rest, ya gotta show the rest a bit. Yellow pops best against purple. Same deal.

Outpost 53 was on high alert. Sirens and alarms were drowning out panicked cries like a biblical flood as the masses screamed to find their loved ones. No one wanted to be on the streets if the impending Alecton attack broke through the walls. Those who could fight fumbled for their weapons while those that couldn't barricaded their doors, desperate to be unlike the slaughter at 48. Engines roared to life as troops sprinted inside their mechs while some of the newer recuits collided with each other, blinded by their dread and the chaos embalming them.

The odor of sweat was thick in the air as A004 marched towards the command tower at the west side of the wall. He knew he had no chance of actually fighting, so he was at least going to take part by commanding the upcoming battle. As he walked past the running soldiers and made his way to the top of the tower, he caught a glimpse of what was coming. It mostly was a mob a small Class V and Class IV but he felt that something bigger was heading fast towards them.

I'll have to read the next chapter in the next couple days!

GreekGladiator
10-09-2018, 04:48 AM
Yay, we reached a second page!

As always, thanks a lot Crank. I will definitely revise some parts of Chapter V, the descriptions in particular. Of I will fix the problems you have pointed out here, and will also add some extra details so stuff on the next chapter don't seem like popping out of nowhere, without a previous introduction.

Also the video is "not available in your country". Don't worry though, I got the message.

EDIT: Nvm I found it in a shorter version... What the fuck.

EDIT SO I DON'T DOUBLEPOST: Hooray! I just added Chapter VII, and I have to say, I like how it turned out. At least a lot more than what VI was. At one point I thought to myself: Man, I really want to know what happens next. Wait, I am the one who decides what happens next what the fuck.

I am very excited about writing the next chapter, but I am really divided over doing that, or fixing some problems on the previous ones. I currently don't know what to do. On one side, the story ***might*** become more cohesive and understandable, on the other, if I end the story, I would be able to do an overall rework that would cover the entire story and perhaps cover some plotholes that might turn up later in the story.

GreekGladiator
10-28-2018, 12:31 PM
I'll have to read the next chapter in the next couple days!

My reaction. (https://www.google.gr/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F14COhR2. jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2Fgallery%2FojrQ v&docid=TSikJDDlkRlJ8M&tbnid=zFlXEZnQnaOeOM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwjVqsyB4aneAhUHU1AKHaB9CF8QMwhBKAUwBQ.. i&w=512&h=512&safe=strict&bih=938&biw=1920&q=distorted%20hmm&ved=0ahUKEwjVqsyB4aneAhUHU1AKHaB9CF8QMwhBKAUwBQ&iact=mrc&uact=8)

Jokes aside. I appreciate you reviewing this Crank as it develops. I just added Chapter VIII although something about it doesn't fit me just right; perhaps you can spot it.

(We're dead again aren't we? Also sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo orry for the double post.)

EDIT: WTF IT'S NOT MIDNIGHT. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!? !?!

SERIOUS EDIT: I put up Chapter IX. It's smaller than the previous ones(maybe even half the size), as it simply sets the stage for the next Chapter. This was actually the hardest one to write, as I had no idea of how to connect the point I left the story with I wanted to do next. That's also why it took me so long(even though me being a lazy piece of garbage was 90% of it).

EDIT^2: Also Chapter X is now added. I somehow managed to stall the action this far. I really don't know how I did this. But I really need some feedback. I feel like I am writing in the dark right now(get it? It's funny because I said 'writing in the dark' as in the phrase 'walking in the dark' but the funny part is that I switched the word 'writing' with the word 'walking'. Hahaha.)

Crank
11-25-2018, 07:28 PM
What was I on, Chapter 6?

Wait

COMIC SANS!?
AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH

But anyway

You're opening with a strong topic, the maybe death of a liked one, so be sure to give yourself a little time to bask in the moment. A004 has been pretty stoic for the most part, this should hit him, pretty hard, even if 0068 survives, and even if he's going through things like denial, it's still worth highlighting. To be fair, it is mentioned slightly later, but it's still a bit factual. It's Ellen could be dead, vs Ellen could be dead. How's he feel? To be more fair, you also did better with 0068 on A004's maybe death, but it would still be good to see something similar from him.

The other main thing is in terms of pacing. Pretty much everything I've written has a wall of dialogue, so I know I'm being a hypocrite here, but when time is of the essence, that's not exactly something you have time for. A004 is the current commander of a defense against a massive assault, and he doesn't say a word to anyone but 0068 for about 7 pages. And while I do realize that this is about him and her, this sort of thing damages his credibility as a leader in your reader's eyes and hurts the realism. Like, if Einstein Bagels launched an assault on my Panera, the situation would be too urgent for me to give someone a pep talk for five minutes. If A004 is actively choosing to forego the war to aide her, however, then that's another thing you should show him going through.

Conversations are fine in war, but I'd be weary of long ones in active combat.

Still goin' strong! Keep up the good work!

GreekGladiator
11-26-2018, 06:54 AM
I can do this all day

But once again, thanks a lot for helping me with this. This is the perfect time to backtrack a bit and correct some earlier mistakes since I am not really up and going with the next chapter. A big thanks also for pointing out mistakes that avoided my proofread. Most of the times you see something like that, I just wanted to write something, I do it halfway, find out a better way to say it and forget to correct the stuff I wrote before.

It's true that I have to give A004 more emotional depth, like I have with Elise. Luckily you pointed it out early enough that it's relatively easy to fix.

EDIT: About that pacing thing. I thought about for, like, a minute, and it all finally made sense to me. The conversations are intended(supposedly) to take long and not follow the battle. That's because they are bad at all of this. They become completely detached from what's going on outside and forget anything else but themselves. Also this incompetence transalates to the bad outcome of the battle. They may have killed it, but don't call it a victory.

Crank
11-28-2018, 12:16 PM
Grrrr.

Alright, here we go!

So, at the top, you open with a bit of an inner monologue from Elise listing off what's wrong. If possible, try avoiding making it a straight forward statement. After I found my stolen car (within 20 minutes of finding out it was gone) a few years ago, I showed my friend that the key no longer functioned, and that I had to turn something behind the steering wheel with a knife. I then closed the locked door with the key still in the ignition, attached to my house keys. My first thought wasn't "Alright, my keys are still in the car, I'm going to have to call someone to pop the door open." My first thought was "MOTHERFUCKER!" The thing about thoughts is that they don't have that great a filter, and often times they're more impulsive and raw. Elise knows all the information, but all that's shown is the surface of the issue. When something goes wrong, how do you react? What flies though your head? That said, I'm not saying "More swearing!" Just, more of what the facts mean to the characters, aside from their definitions.

Similar with situations where your mind says "This is bad," if your gut tells you "This is weird," that should be delved into as well. I once randomly ran into a friend at a gas station, and I still had denial over it, even though I was in his neck of the woods, and his car, like mine, needs gas to function. When A004 runs into himself, even if he don't know where he is or what the other he is, what's he guessing? It's really got to trip up his sense of reality, go ahead and take a minute to show him feebly try to process it.

Lastly, this chapter has a bit of an issue with urgency. Other A004 says that A004 is dying, says they don't have much time, says the shadows are going to engulf them and he's only able to keep they at bay though sheer will, but then goes on to talk for a while. Kinda feels like a video game main story. Dragons are back in Skyrim, laying waste to the lands and trying to enslave all mortals once more, but I'm gonna get wasted with this Deadric Prince and adopt a couple kids first. The more urgent a situation is, the more imperative it is to do the thing immediately, so the longer it's put off, the less important the situation seems. You can have the most dangerous threat in the world, but if it's not important to the character, it's hard for your reader to invest in. Also, if possible, try avoid dishing out exposition is such heavy servings, and it tends to go down easier when its organically harvested, if that makes sense.

I really admire your spirit with this! Looking forward to learning what style change means!

GreekGladiator
11-28-2018, 02:02 PM
I simply changed my attitude against writing dialogue and text in separate paragraphs. You can notice that later on I mix those two in the same paraghraph and that kind of stuff. I really don't why I was so adamant about separating those before though.

About that urgency thing. The reason I portrayed it like this, has to do with the blue-eyed A004's character and overall psychology. I now realise that I have shown only a fraction of what I have of him in my head, so it's natural to not understand his actions so clearly. Basically, he doesn't really care. He knows exactly what the other one will say and do, so he isn't in any actual hurry. He knows very well how much time he has left, and tries to inform him before they separate for good(or is it for good? Muahaha). This is also the point that this exposition would come somewhat naturally. There is no way he could obtain this information from anywhere else, so I tried to throw it in here. Of course this whole part inside his head needs revising(even I probably put more effort in this than anywhere else). It's pretty tricky; what I want to say in this very delicate situation.

The inner thoughts thing is a whole other area I have to improve in general. I have to keep down the urge to spit out as much exposition as I can and focus on it being more realistic, like you said.

I forgot what I wanted to add here.

I really can't imagine what trainwreck this would be without your help Crank. Especially now that you helped with the table of contents. This is one of the periods where I can't motivate myself to write, but once I do, I'll fix the problems in the previous chapters instead of simply going forward. On another note, tommorow we are writing an exam on English(at school it's barely B2 level). Wish me luck!

Urako
11-28-2018, 08:23 PM
I simply changed my attitude against writing dialogue and text in separate paragraphs. You can notice that later on I mix those two in the same paraghraph and that kind of stuff. I really don't why I was so adamant about separating those before though.

About that urgency thing. The reason I portrayed it like this, has to do with the blue-eyed A004's character and overall psychology. I now realise that I have shown only a fraction of what I have of him in my head, so it's natural to not understand his actions so clearly. Basically, he doesn't really care. He knows exactly what the other one will say and do, so he isn't in any actual hurry. He knows very well how much time he has left, and tries to inform him before they separate for good(or is it for good? Muahaha). This is also the point that this exposition would come somewhat naturally. There is no way he could obtain this information from anywhere else, so I tried to throw it in here. Of course this whole part inside his head needs revising(even I probably put more effort in this than anywhere else). It's pretty tricky; what I want to say in this very delicate situation.

The inner thoughts thing is a whole other area I have to improve in general. I have to keep down the urge to spit out as much exposition as I can and focus on it being more realistic, like you said.

I forgot what I wanted to add here.

I really can't imagine what trainwreck this would be without your help Crank. Especially now that you helped with the table of contents. This is one of the periods where I can't motivate myself to write, but once I do, I'll fix the problems in the previous chapters instead of simply going forward. On another note, tommorow we are writing an exam on English(at school it's barely B2 level). Wish me luck!

Oh man, I hope you can motivate yourself to write. By nature of this existing, you have already done so much better than I have with my short stories. Also, I totally wish you luck bro.

GreekGladiator
11-29-2018, 12:06 PM
No need to worry, really. I usually go through these circles every now and then. At times I wanna write, at other times, I can't bother opening the doc. Also, the length of a story doeasn't translate to quality. Your short stories might be ten times better than my long one.

Thanks for the positivity.

EDIT: One hour later than promised, and it's up! I really want to say a couple of things here. I have been... exposed... to a lot of content critiquing loads of stuff related to writing(mostly the writing in the series or movies) and have a general idea of pitfalls to avoid. I want to upgrade the quality of my story, so many differences might show up that contradict things previously set up. As of now I don't have the time(or mental capacity) to review and rewrite the previous 70 pages long story I already built up. I will do it at a later date(probably when it's over) so I can be sure of the things I want to correct(not everything about the plot is completely clear to me and might change as I go on).

Who am kidding, it's a train wreck lol






























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(It's supposed to be the moyai emoji, but this site apparently doesn't support it. Picture it yourselves.)

Crank
01-30-2019, 03:49 PM
Returning the favor you've been returning

Oh hey, I'm at the style change!

I'd say the main thing to keep an eye on between chapters 8 and 9 is making sure the conflicts matter outside the moments that they happen in. Elise blows up after A4 wants to use 91's box, and it practically rips them apart. I'm assuming this is because he appears to trust 91 more than trusts her distrust of him? Either way, it was a huge point of contention, and in the next chapter, he's usually using it and it appears that all aspects of the argument were resolved. I'm not saying I wouldn't use the thing, because I absolutely would, but when you're just doing pure dialogue, it makes it harder to see what's left unsaid, which in turn makes the extremeness of Elise's reaction seem over the top. She doesn't like 91. That's fair, but if I broke my leg and someone gave me a wheelchair, my girlfriend shouldn't leave me because I'm thankful and would like to use it. It makes her look super high maintenance, so when she's having her inner monologue, your reader's going to be thinking she keeps getting hurt because of that, and then when everything is resolved in the next chapter, it confirms that she just gets furious over nothing.

91 is a dick, and Elise shouldn't trust him, but the way it's presented doesn't put you on her side. The more extreme the reaction, the more important it is to show what's going on inside their heads. What does it mean to her that A4 is past all of 91 blatant assholeness of the past? And does he think she's overreacting?

Keep up the good work!

GreekGladiator
01-31-2019, 06:11 AM
I agree. It would eventually backfire, when I sit down one month later to continue a story that I haven't read the details so long. I don't know if I will fix right now, but I definitely will look out more for continuity errors such as this complete 180 in attitude. The overall composure of the story is all over the place, so I would only be patching up the problem and not fixing it. On the other hand, this may be an excuse for me to be even more lazy. No one will ever know.

Oh boy, I am very excited. I really don't wanna spoil anything, but the way you have understood 9137 is perfect for me. I have many stuff in store for him(as you perhaps have understood, he is an important character).

I guess it's really just the two of us exchanging reviews on each other's stories now, isn't it? Everything else has completely died out.

Crank
01-31-2019, 08:22 PM
Heh, you say that like CnC was ever that common, especially in O Lit

Urako
02-01-2019, 10:34 AM
Loosely speaking, I'm still here Greek Gladiator, but I've mostly moved on to other sites with more story centered interactions that fight based ones to answer your last question.

It's not that I don't want to do another battle, but the actual advancement of Derrick's story bores me and its below everything else in priority. On top of that, have you ever made a villain too strong before? Yeah.

GreekGladiator
03-02-2019, 10:40 AM
Ok this isn't an actual update. I just post this to stir up some action. In February I did almost no work as far as I remember and I am disgusted with myself for this. However, since yesterday I doubled the size of the current chapter, but it's still way too incomplete, even without the corrections. I will be probably be splitting this in three parts actually, hopefully improving a lot on the aspects of scene setting and describing actions better. Especially the first part is very messed up since I added a couple of paragraphs each week as far as I remember so it's very fractured and has little to no connection or integrity. So stay tuned on the site cause in the next days I'll hopefully add the next chapter to the story!

On the plus side of me not writing, I am on my way to a world conquest in EU4!(very big deal)

---

Way it's finally done. I skipped school today, but I did it! Due to continuity reasons, I will be spliting in two parts after all, and also will be adding way less than I initially expected('cause I suck). I am very afraid that I getting repetitious in the story because I barely avoided using the same dialogue in a similar event that happened way back in Chapter VI(6). Luckily, it seemed awfully familiar to me so I checked it and thankfully corrected it(making it even better in my opinion). What I really want, is some feedback on the upcoming chapter since it has something special(not gonna spoil it).

If I can handle all the internal cringing I get from what I write, I don't see myself stopping this any time soon, even if I take big "breaks" like I did in February.

Crank
03-13-2019, 02:52 PM
Chapter 10 looks pretty good! Ya got some missing words here and there, but other than that it seemed solid. The dream sequence was well done, it was good that A004's emotions bookended it, but it would've been stronger if you showed him reacting to what he was seeing more throughout. The gore detail seemed fine, but that's always going to vary depending on how much you feel comfortable writing, as well as the audience you're writing it for. It did feel appropriate for the tone, though.

Somehow, next to it was a crying figure that A004 hadn’t noticed up until now. He realised, from the deep blue colour of the hair, that this must be Elise. Then the body started slowly turning around, rotating with the rope. To A004’s dismay, the body was himself; yet another omen of his inevitable death. Blood was dripping, from the feet of the body, in front of A004. It fell exactly in place so it formed semi-readable letters. “ YOU CAN’T ESCAPE YOUR FATE ”

Somehow, next to it was a crying figure that A004 hadn’t noticed up until now. He froze when he recignized the deep blue color of Elise's hair and found himself holding his breath as the rope around her broken neck slowly rotated to face him. His entire body grew hot as her sobbing grew louder and louder, pounding into his brain like the drums of an invasion, but when her body had finally rotated enough to see features through the hair, an exhale left his body upon seeing they weren't hers. The moment the air abandoned his lungs however, his mind screamed whose face it was. His own. Purple with bloodshot, sobbing eyes, the pitch lowering to match his voice. It felt impossible to breathe, and snapping his eyes away as quickly as possible, they followed the only movement they saw. Blood was dripping from his- the other him's- feet, and his gaze tracked a red bead to a pool taking the shape of semi readable letters letters. “ YOU CAN’T ESCAPE YOUR FATE ”

No matter how scary something is, it's going to be scarier to the person it's happening to. Be sure to show them throughout!

(No blood/gore/screaming/jump scare in example clip)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUfdqRFMuDI

All in all though, great job!

Sharpiro
03-13-2019, 03:44 PM
God I haven't been on this site for so long, so uh yeah going off of want crank said. Another you can do is purposefully withhold information to keep the reader in suspense while you drop a few details here and there to build up tension and fear. Good luck man! It was nice to kindof come back her once in a while to see if everything is really gone.

GreekGladiator
03-14-2019, 12:02 PM
Daymn Crank, that's some really scary description right there. I will definitely put it some way in the story, since it's way better than my attempt. The missing words part is probably because I'm stupid, so nothing to worry there. I have still a long way to go if I want to give descriptions and paint scenes that capture someone's attention. I bet that if I went over it more than one time, it would be greatly improved, but I don't see that happening any time soon(the Gdocs title explains why). If you have any interest at all, some time in the future, once I add a couple more chapters, you could update the ToC(since I can't).

It's also nice to see you back Sharpiro! I don't know if you read all the story up to the tenth chapter or just it, but it's good to hear more than one person here. The main problem I have with building suspense, is that I always feel like I have given too few information and nothing makes sense then. Hopefully I have already begun doing that and I have planned some plot twists for the future so I should be careful how to present them.

GreekGladiator
03-31-2019, 04:16 AM
Double post because this site is almost dead

Phew, that's another chapter down the line. It finally crossed the 40k word count too! I have a feeling this one(XIII) is going to be a little clumsy and not so coherent, but to be honest, I really wanted to get over with it since I had it almost done for so long. I hope I'll begin working on the next one as soon as possible.