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Saha
09-15-2008, 06:56 AM
RAGE

I am burning inside me
Everything has changed within
Even the attitude
But some shit will begin

Within the relationship
there was a fire
a fire that kept growing
till it reaches its desire

The chaos has been driven
there is no end to be written
the fight kept growing
till the one who wrote this has been forgotten

How was that for a first try?

This is also a celebration of me turning 13. Its not my birthday but, considerably, I'm 13.

TrashBLAM!
09-15-2008, 07:23 AM
Not feeling it.

It has no flow.

Saha
09-15-2008, 07:25 AM
Hmm.. what do you mean by flow?

Its a first time. I require good examples please.

LakE
09-15-2008, 07:33 AM
RAGE

I am burning inside me
Everything has changed within
Even the attitude
But some shit will begin

Within the relationship
there was a fire
a fire that kept growing
till it reaches its desire

The chaos has been driven
there is no end to be written
the fight kept growing
till the one who wrote this has been forgotten

How was that for a first try?

This is also a celebration of me turning 13. Its not my birthday but, considerably, I'm 13.

The flow should be found to be some sort of pattern. You're usually able to notice the pattern after the first verse. The pattern you went with was for the last letter of the 2nd line rhyme with the last letter of the last line. If you wanted that, then straight away it's a weak flow, so you'll have to keep this pattern to keep it strong.
Although most poems tend to rhyme, they don't always have to. Most people who do make it rhyme tend to pattern it like this:
-----1
-----2
-----1
-----2
The first rhyme fits with the 3rd line. The 2nd rhyme fits with the 4th line.
On the 2nd verse you kept the pattern, but it seems weaker than before. I think the rhyme "Fire" - "Desire" is just generally quite weak unless used close together.
On the 3rd verse the pattern is lost. There isn't a single rhyme. This completely destroys the flow.

That's the only way I could think of making it flow, since I'm not much of a poetic person it's probably way off. I did study some poetry for my GCSEs though.

TrashBLAM!
09-15-2008, 07:35 AM
The flow should be found to be some sort of pattern. You're usually able to notice the pattern after the first verse. The pattern you went with was for the last letter of the 2nd line rhyme with the last letter of the last line. If you wanted that, then straight away it's a weak flow, so you'll have to keep this pattern to keep it strong.
Although most poems tend to rhyme, they don't always have to. Most people who do make it rhyme tend to pattern it like this:
-----1
-----2
-----1
-----2
The first rhyme fits with the 3rd line. The 2nd rhyme fits with the 4th line.
On the 2nd verse you kept the pattern, but it seems weaker than before. I think the rhyme "Fire" - "Desire" is just generally quite weak unless used close together.
On the 3rd verse the pattern is lost. There isn't a single rhyme. This completely destroys the flow.

That's the only way I could think of making it flow, since I'm not much of a poetic person it's probably way off. I did study some poetry for my GCSEs though.

You beat me too it.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Saha
09-15-2008, 08:14 AM
Thank you so much for your advice, LaKe.

You mean like..

Oblivion is hell
Where the souls perish to a well
Where it burns from the water of the shell
Why not get Dell?

LakE
09-15-2008, 08:51 AM
More along the lines of:
Blah blah blah crap
bleh bleh bleh shit
Blah blah blah tap
bleh bleh bleh lit.

As long as you stick to a rhyming pattern you'll keep a flow. Just read some poetry and you'll understand it easily.
Remember poetry doesn't ALWAYS have to rhyme. It just has to fit nicely and flow well. I'm not completely sure how to get a flow going without rhyming though.