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New Generation
10-13-2008, 09:52 AM
He cusses
He hits
You can't take it anymore.

I thought it would pass away
But it didn't, it got more worse than before
It makes me angry, and alone
I want to beat him up.
But something tells me to take it calm and tell it to the school,
Or someone close to you.

He cusses
He hits
You can't take it anymore.

Bullying is wrong
It never is good and never was
It has happened before
And if you don't try to stop it, it might continue on
They think they're bad or get respect from others
They do not understand how the victims feels or angers

He comes up with his friends and slap me on my face
They laugh, they think they're joking but they do not understand

This must be stopped
I don't have to put up with this
I take my anger on
He feels the pain and his friends ran away
I stand here with confidence

From that way onward he never spoke to me again

Chimaera
10-13-2008, 10:07 AM
It's an unreleased Linkin Park song!

Chunky
10-13-2008, 11:29 AM
Someone point out the intelligent poetic devices he used here.

O WAIT

New Generation
10-13-2008, 11:39 AM
Well done for staying an idiot, and I don't get you.

Nodd
10-20-2008, 07:27 PM
this poem sounds pretty pathetic to me.. like it was written in direct response to being "bullied" or something.
i would hardly call this a poem, sounds more like "incoherent ramblings of angry 12 year old".
I can't offer much constructive criticism because this is just dumb.

but, "keep trying!" or whatever

Überschall
10-20-2008, 07:41 PM
I agree with Nodd. It's a pain to read, it's in no way intelligent or really that poetic. Not like being totally reader-friendly would be the way, but I mean, come on. Use some meter. Make it a poem. Really, make it rhyme at least somewhere.

LakE
10-20-2008, 07:46 PM
"more worse".
Heh.

Nodd
10-20-2008, 07:48 PM
I agree with Nodd. It's a pain to read, it's in no way intelligent or really that poetic. Not like being totally reader-friendly would be the way, but I mean, come on. Use some meter. Make it a poem. Really, make it rhyme at least somewhere.

i mean, i don't really care that it doesn't rhyme.. some of the best poetry doesn't rhyme. but this is just terrible, this isn't even a poem. it's just an angry little kid "bawwwing" non-stop about something only he gives a shit about.

Überschall
10-20-2008, 07:56 PM
Yeah like I said. It's not like it needed to be reader-friendly in order to be good. But this is... well... really bad.

Dudeman
10-20-2008, 08:04 PM
Yea, this was not very good.

You switch between first and second person. You started a repetition device but failed to execute it properly. No climax made it uninteresting. You say the meaning directly: bullying is bad. Saying the meaning is the worst thing you could possibly do in a poem.

Here's the problem: we don't care about your life. If you were trying to salvage this poem, I would say that you should stick to one literary device and expand it. I think it would be interesting if you made it about power. You hate being bullied, but you over turn him and now you're the bully. You don't let him forget it. However, you keep it all first person.

ThatGuy
10-21-2008, 08:59 PM
One word

METAPHOR

Dinomut
10-22-2008, 12:44 AM
teen angst at its most pronounced. And take that advice ^

New Generation
10-23-2008, 10:57 AM
Do you likes this poem?

Überschall
10-23-2008, 01:20 PM
No. If you're asking for my honest opinion, I really hate it. It's one of the worst poems I've ever read. Sorry for that, but I'm not even exaggerating. Try more, but this is really horrible, IMHO.

New Generation
10-23-2008, 01:38 PM
I'm not really good at poems, I just wrote it when I was bored. I never really write poem, rarely actually so this is not like my best. I can't make the best anyway. Don't take this seriously.

Nodd
10-23-2008, 06:02 PM
okay well next time when you're thinking about posting something like this, don't

Gavel
10-23-2008, 11:44 PM
I'm not really good at poems, I just wrote it when I was bored. I never really write poem, rarely actually so this is not like my best. I can't make the best anyway. Don't take this seriously.
Is this the only excuse anyone on this site has in response to criticism? It gets really old after a while.

Deathwish
10-24-2008, 05:18 AM
Is this the only excuse anyone on this site has in response to criticism? It gets really old after a while.

I'm not really good at excuses, I don't use them often.
I can't make my best excuse, so don't take this seriously.

Mantha
10-24-2008, 06:38 AM
I'm not really good at excuses, I don't use them often.
I can't make my best excuse, so don't take this seriously.
I make excuses when I'm bored, thank you very much! :Cold:


I honestly don't know what have you expected. One has to know at least some basic knowledge about poetry before he writes a poem.

MoD
10-24-2008, 12:46 PM
He cusses
He hits
You can't take it anymore.

I thought it would pass away
But it didn't, it got more worse than before
It makes me angry, and alone
I want to beat him up.
But something tells me to take it calm and tell it to the school,
Or someone close to you.

He cusses
He hits
You can't take it anymore.

Bullying is wrong
It never is good and never was
It has happened before
And if you don't try to stop it, it might continue on
They think they're bad or get respect from others
They do not understand how the victims feels or angers

He comes up with his friends and slap me on my face
They laugh, they think they're joking but they do not understand

This must be stopped
I don't have to put up with this
I take my anger on
He feels the pain and his friends ran away
I stand here with confidence

From that way onward he never spoke to me again
I laughed so hard while reading this, and while drinking coke. I laughed so hard the coke came out of my nose.

Omega
10-24-2008, 03:16 PM
It's an unreleased Linkin Park song!

Haha, I lol'd .