View Full Version : what do you think?

colt love
11-24-2008, 10:17 AM
no real title yet
i hope to write a whole book
just tell me what you think of it

As I walked into the basement and slammed the light switch up the lights flickered on and bullied the shadows in to the corners .as the light blazed across the room filling the space with light it shined of the work bench at the other side. On this stainless steel work bench was a junkyard of papers and metal objects for weapons and engines that create the base of my new life. Deeply set in to a dark corner was a perfectly normal looking metal cabinet that contained my clothes and other object that mean something to me and a deeply rooted to my past. In a slightly lighter corner was an old worn bed that was dressed in a large blue duvet that was half on the floor so that it made a dark creepy cave under my bed that hid the junk and secrets from the world. Right next to my bed was an old dull ceramic silk with a simple mirror above it. In the last corner I had placed my large heavy wood gun case that looked like it had came off the back of a moving truck but it has been a part of my life for so long itís worth keeping. It kept countless guns and knives alike away from the praying eyes of all strangers. Slap bang in the middle of the crammed room there was an old greasy V8 engine that one day I hope to get running and get out of this hell hole. I donít have a TV because there isnít any broadcast any more it all got shut down after the creatures appeared.
I hurried over to the sink and wacked the water on. Washed my face off and watched as the blood ran away down the dark hole. I pulled back a saw that I looked like I had aged 5 years in 2 days I no longer look like a 29 year old. My dark blond hair was greasy and covered in the creaturesí blood. I washed of as much of the think dark red mess as I could but there was still a clear sign. I got out of the torn bloody clothes that I was wearing and got in to a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I ripped open my gun case and brought out an mp5 sub machine gun with plenty of ammo and a desert eagle 50AE pistol that has enough power to take a man off his feet. I chucked the pistol in to a brown messenger bag with all the ammo and fixed a strap to the back of my mp5. Just as I was walking out I grabbed a brown leather coat and chucked that on. Then i was ready to leave, I got out on to the trashed road and picked up the bloody axe handle that had been slightly splintered at the end from overuse, it worked so well. This road was once a great part of England now look at it completely wrecked not many houses left standing. There was no sound only the wind, no cars, no police sirens, nothing. I needed to find someone, anyone I just need to talk to someone real Iíve had no company for 3 years. So I get out and search for 3 hours a day just before night fall I get back and lock up for a long night of hell nothing has broken in to my home yet but I know it canít be long till something does.
I got walking around the large village I live in looking for someone to help me or just to find weapons. I want to get back to my home town one day to see if anyone is about. All I need is a car or something that works to get me out. I heard a sound that reverberated around the road, I turned round to see where the noise had come from and as my stomach wrenched I saw the perfect silhouette of a creature standing on the top of a trashed house that looked as if it had been hit by a bomb. All the windows where gone some were boarded up, the roof was left without any tiles and half was missing ass if all was left was the bear skeleton, the front door had been boarded up and the walls were cracking but that was when I saw it just sitting there in the garage was an old ford Caterham in racing green and a yellow strip down the middle, it was gorgeous but could I risk getting it? Then as the creature screamed I was pulled back out of my thoughts and back in to the real world what was the creature doing out in day light? I prepared for an attack pulling the axe handle back and taking a defensive position on the balls of my feet but then it just dropped back in to the broken house. I relaxed a little and looked at the Caterham but it was too dangerous for a full on attack I will wait. I continued my search of the little block and went to the super market to grab some food and some extra clothes to replace the ones from this morning. I also got a small radio luckily the army closed off the north of the country to stop the spread of the creatures and left the electricity on hopefully there might be a radio signal going out. Then the sun slowly stared to cast large extended shadows across the road and the creatures would be out soon. I locked my axe handle in a hole in the leather jacket and pulled the mp5 around to my side and ran for home.

thats it for now but i hope to write some more
btw i know that there are some spelling mistakes in it but meh i havent proff read it all yet i just want to get it down

11-24-2008, 10:21 AM
Nice story, bad choice of words and setting.

Also, what the ****?

colt love
11-24-2008, 10:44 AM
whats the what the **** for?

11-25-2008, 12:29 PM
Dude, what the ****?

11-25-2008, 05:33 PM
So yeah... alright. Well... I don't know. It's too painful to read because of the spelling and capitalisation mistakes.

11-25-2008, 05:45 PM
Every line leaves me fighting for breath.

Not because it's breath-takingly incredible, no. It's because in about 16 lines and 92 words there is probably 1 comma. In the whole thing there is 10 commas.