View Full Version : Teenagers

11-24-2008, 04:05 PM
An original story by sAcReD

The clock was ticking...

Everyone in Donald Ganaway College was just waiting for that bell to ring.

Only 30 seconds left, all the students in there desks, ready to pop up and out of that school.


The last second felt as if it were another 10 seconds....but still...



Teenagers were rushing through the hallways like Japan in fast forward. People were being pushed and shoved, some pushing and shoving.

Everyone just wanted to run out those two doors as if it were some kind of barricade that would hold them in a torture chamber for all eternity.

And they bursted out of them to the front yard of the school where cars with parents and other relatives waited.

The yard seemed like a battlefield.

Over 100 different stuff was all happening at once, fighting, talking, dancing, etc.

Luckily enough, one small group of 5 was able to take a way out back, away from all the commotion.

"Whew, I thought I was gonna die in that hall!" exclaimed Jade, a long blond-haired girl.

"I don't blame you, I thought the same thing." replied Ned, a long-short green haired dude.

"Let's just be glad Terry knew the way out back" explained Claire, same hair as Jade, only orange instead.

"Hey, I know my ways around this area." proudly said Terry, a mid-long red haired guy.

"Ya, whatever." stubbornly said Bray, an average-long brown haired man. Not as long as Terry's.

"You're just jealous because your way last time got you to the principal's office." teased Terry.

"Oh, shut up." said Bray

(Alright, let's get this straightened out. Terry is best friends with Ned, Jade is best friends with Claire, Claire is good friends with Bray, Bray and Terry
have a rivalry going on.....oh, and Terry secretly likes Jade. Any questions? Good.)

"Anyway," started Jade, "So what's our first thing we're gonna do during summer?"

"Well, my dad said he wanted me to head straight to his labs as soon as school was over because they just found some type of experiment. And he wanted me to
bring you guys." explained Ned.

"Oh cool. I want to see what he found this time." said Terry.

"Alright, but I call driving." said Ned.

The labs that Ned's dad worked at, Nuclear Stimuli Labs, was in a desert just outside of town.

Surrounding it was a large electric fence.

You could say it was like Area 51 over there, except without all the UFO crap.

After driving in the desert for 5 minutes, they pulled up to a gate.

"Verification please." said the man in the booth

Ned handed him a card through the car window.

"Ned Molar sir." said Ned

The man handed him his card back...

"Nice to see you again Ned." said the man.

"You too." replied Ned

And he drove off.

"So Ned," started Terry in the passenger's seat, "What did your dad find or find out?"

"He said it would be a surprise." replied Ned.

"I can't wait to see a surprise." sarcasticly said Bray.

"Oh lighten up Bray, I bet it's worth it." said Claire.

"I know, I know. I was just kidding." said Bray

They pulled up to a VIP garage and got out.

After entering through a door, Ned's dad stood there waiting.

"Hey dad." said Ned after giving his dad a quick hug.

"Hey Pete" said Terry

"Please, Terry, call me Dr.Molar" replied Dr.Molar

"Whatever you say doc." said Terry

"Anyway," started Jade, "What did you want to show us?"

"Oh right." said Dr. Molar, "Please come with me."

While walking through the labs Dr.Molar explained to them what they found.

"Well," he started off, "Out here in this desert, one of our drillers found something big."

"Like big in size?" said Claire.

"Actually, it was really tiny." chuckled Dr.Molar

"Our miner called over an exgavation group that put this glowing green liquid in a test tube. Once they did so, they transfered it back to the labs."
continued Dr.Molar.

"So whats so big about a some slime?" asked Bray

"Didn't you hear him say glowing?" said Claire

"Precisely," said Dr. Molar, "So we have tested this liquid and found something amazing."

"Like what?" asked Terry

"Thats why I wanted you kids here. So we can find out." said Dr.Molar

Just then he came up to this door. And opened it.

All this room had was a rectangular prism shape with a window that viewed a larger cylinder shaped room.

On the other side of the room was a window on the second floor. With the same shape, only with a large maching inside.

"This, is our natural disasters room." explained Dr.Molar

"So it creates natural disasters?" asked Terry

"No Terry, it gives you ice cream, of course it creates natural disasters." teased Ned

"Anyway, so that test tube in the middle of the room on that indestructable steel pedistool, is the one with the mysterious liquid." explained Dr. Molar

"My brains hurting with all this talking..." said Bray

"Yes, well, anyway," started Dr.Molar trying to ignore that last statement, "We shall begin testing. JENKINS!"

He shouted to a man on the 2nd floor room.


"Right away!" Jenkins replied

He turned the knob to a giant machine in front of him.

"Setting Hurricane Level to 1" said Jenkins.

And of course a level 1 hurricane started in the room.

"You sure its safe to be right next to this?" asked Claire

"Don't worry, you're perfectly safe. This window is made of Plastitic. It can't break." explained Dr. Molar

As the hurricane brewed, the test tube sat still, not moving one bit.

"Jenkins! Turn it up to level 2!" shouted Molar.

"On it!" Jenkins shouted back.

The hurricane got stronger.

"Now add a lightning storm!" Molar shouted.

"You sure?" shouted back Jenkins.

"Just do it!" shouted Molar.

Just then lightning started flying everywhere. Along with more rain.

"Level 3!" shouted Molar.

The storms got stronger.

"I don't understand what's happening." said Jade, "It's just sitting there, not being moved an inch."

"We don't understand it either, but we're testing it's strength. And we've been getting unkown readings from the scans. It's making no sense." explained

Lightning and rain was thrashing against the walls and windows.

"4!" shouted Molar.

It just got stronger.

"Jeese, how much levels does this thing have?" said Bray.

"Now 5!" shouted Molar

"Didn't some kind of Level 5 hurricane destroy some city in Texas?" asked Terry

"Galveston, Texas." answered Ned, "It was totally wiped off the map."

"And it's still sitting there..." said Claire.

"OK Jenkins! I want you to try Level 6!" shouted Molar.

"But sir!" said Jenkins, "It's totally untested! We don't know if its even safe for the windows!"

"Its worth a shot!" shouted Molar.

"Wait what?!" freaked Terry

The storms were unbeleivably strong. You could barely see what was inside.

Lightning reflected off the test tube, the rain brewed, and the wind shook the windows.

One area of a wall was being hit by the lightning a lot. One strike was able to crash through and hit a vital wire to the machine controlling the room.

The machine went haywire.

"Oh no!" shouted Jenkins, as he dove for cover.

The entire room doubled in strength.

"HOLY CRAP!" shouted Bray, though you could barely hear his voice over the storm.

The machine caused the test tube to shatter, exposing the liquid to the storm.

And it commited a large eplosion which shattered straight through the Plastitic window to the room with Molar and the kids.

Everything blacked out.

Molar's eyes opened.

The entire room was trashed.

The window was closed in by walls, the other walls were barely standing with breaks and cracks.

He noticed the kids on the ground.

He checked their pulse. They were still alive.

Their only way out, the door, was blocked by a peice of the ceiling fallen in front of it.

He could hear alarms going of on the other side.

"I guess I'll have to try to get out somehow." said Molar.

He went up to the fallen ceiling peice. Trying to push it.

"It won't budge." said Molar

Then Terry woke up.

"Terry!" said Molar, "I was hoping for Bray but you'll do. Help me move this."

Obviously Bray was the tough guy of the group.

"Ya sure." said Terry getting up.

"All right, on 3, we both push it out of the way." said Molar.




That second Terry chunked that thing across 10 different walls in other rooms and hallways.

It landed about 15 doors down.

Both Terry and Molar stood there shocked. Along with all the other people looking through the holes that was made in the walls in the rooms they were in.


All five of teenagers were on lab beds.

Terry was the only one awake.

And a scientist was scanning him.

"Well?" Molar said.

"It seems that when the explosion happened, that liquid got re-fabricated from the weather into his genitical DNA causing his mullecular structure to
increase." said the scientist in a swedish accent.

"In English?" said Terry

"That liquid reacted to the weather and it got inside your body. And it somehow made your cells stronger." explained the scientist.

"Well, what about the rest of them?" asked Molar

"I can't scan them if their not awake. Their cells need to be active." the scientist explained

Just then Ned woke up.

"Woah, what happened?" he said

"We blew up." said Terry

"Ouch" replied Ned.

"Scan Ned." said Molar

"No problem." said the scientist.

"Hey Ned." said Terry

"Ya?" Ned said.

"Is it me, or have you realized you're not hurt at all." said Terry.

"What the heck are you talking about?" said Ned

He then looked at his chest, and he was surprised at what he saw.

Where there were many cuts in his shirt, there were none on him.

"How the heck did that happen?" said Ned

"Because," started the scientist, "the explosion caused your cells to refurbish and organize themselves better. In otherwords, you have complete control
over your cells, which includes your scratches and cuts to heal in a matter of seconds!"

"You pretty much have the force dude." laughed Terry

"Ya kinda." said Ned still taking all this in.

"So now all we have to do is wait for the rest to wake up so we can scan them." said Molar

"Not possible." said the scientist

"Why not?" said Terry

"Because, my shift is over." and he walked away.

"You might want to drive back to your apartment. Let the other ones rest." said Molar.

"No prob." said Ned.

The crew was now on their way back. The 3 still unciouncess in the back, with Ned driving, and Terry thinking in the passenger's seat.

"You know, this might be a dream." said Terry

"Huh?" said Ned

"This is all a dream. It's gotta be. I mean, superpowers? Bull. Watch, I'm gonna wake myself up."





"Ouch!" said Terry

"You're awake." said Ned

"Well...." said Terry

"So, if I got super strength, and you have the force,"

"Stop calling it that."

"then what do they have?"

"Only time will tell."

Then Jade woke up.

Suddenly a lightning bolt shot down in front of the car and almost struck it.

"HOLY CRAP" shouted Ned

"It looks more like time wants to kill us!" said Terry

Now the car was passing through a forest.

"This makes no sense, there were clear skies a second ago." said Ned.

Then they heard heavy breathing behind them and turned around.

Jade was awake and shocked(get it?).

"She must have lightning abilities." said Ned

"And what makes you say that?" said Terry

Just then, lightning struck the forest and caused a forest fire.

"Oh." said Terry

Then Claire woke up, and the flames went out.

"And she's got fire abilities." said Terry.

"So now we need to know about Bray's powers." said Ned.

Then the road started to get bumpy.

"Dangit Ned keep your eye on the road." said Terry

"If you don't realise doofus, I am on the road." said Ned

"Then what's going on?" said Terry

Bray woke up, he yawned and lifted his arms.

As he did, the road in front of them got picked up.

"WHAT THE...." said Ned

Then Bray dropped his arms and the road fell.

"And, Bray has earth powers." said Ned.

"Can someone please explain what's going on?" asked Claire

Thus, Ned and Terry explained what had happened.

-END..................for now.

Episode 2, SOON.

11-24-2008, 06:24 PM
"Over 100 different stuff was all happening at once, fighting, talking, dancing, etc."
This line is where I stopped. You're writing a story, right?
First off: "100 different stuff" doesn't even make sense. The "etc." makes it too informal, despite the fact it's a story. It should be formal as most stories are.

The lines are poorly constructed, words are half-hearted, like you just thought of a word, the simplest of words, then used it. You tried to use a similie, I saw, but it didn't really come off too well. Since the use of words are pretty weak.
I also noticed a character description a little further down. You can't just say a hair colour and length. You need to create a visual display through only words. Her face could be made of cheese, her eyes could be where her mouth was and her mouth where her eyes should be. We don't know, because we've had no description.

I didn't read on, so if there is a description further into the story, I apologise. But you should make descriptions as soon as possible.
Just work on it all. Make everything as descriptive as possible to create the clearest mental image possible.

11-24-2008, 06:46 PM
What I don't understand is you saying you stopped reading at "100 different stuff", but then you tell me of problems of further into the story, which confuses me on where you actually stopped to critisize me. I understand what you are saying, but you didn't give me a thorough decency of whether or not you actually read this.

11-24-2008, 07:32 PM
No. I didn't read it. I stopped reading on the line I stated. But, as I scrolled down to make a reply I saw other things.

11-25-2008, 10:21 AM
Well, your story is driven forward by dialogue, so it is obviously very important.

Instead of:

"Do you want to dance?" asked jade
"Yes, I really do" replied Ned
"......" said someone
"......" replied someone
"......" someone yelled

you should try to make it more lifelike and interesting

"Hey Ned," Jane was glowing, "do you want to dance?"
Ned smiled, "Yes," he answered "I really do." Suddenly they were all alone in the room.

Now I'm not going to say i just received an award for my amazing dance dialogue, but do you see how small changes and use of details
suddenly made it much more interesting?

Another thing is sentence binding.

"The labs that Ned's dad worked at, Nuclear Stimuli Labs, was in a desert just outside of town. Surrounding it was a large electric fence."

See how these two sentences can be made into one and suddenly it feels much more fluent?

"The labs that Ned's dad worked at, Nuclear Stimuli Labs, were in a desert just outside of town, surrounded by a large electric fence."

Also, you should avoid directly explaining us things like who's friends with who and so forth. It is much more interesting if you show that through the story and dialogue instead. If we know all the characters inside out from the start we we will lose interest quickly. Let us find out more about them through reading and draw our own conclusions.

Also, as LakE pointed out, work on the character descriptions. Avoid listing things, but try to rather explain them using metaphors and similes. That way each one of us will get our own image of the character beyond blond hair and mid height.

11-25-2008, 11:03 AM

11-25-2008, 06:53 PM
@Cocio: Then why did you post in here? I think you just wanted a +1 posted.

@alive: Understood

11-25-2008, 08:05 PM
"Do you want to dance?" asked jade
"Yes, I really do" replied Ned
"......" said someone
"......" replied someone
"......" someone yelled

I like that. ;-;