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New Generation
12-05-2008, 04:11 PM
You drift off, you feel light and soft
You're light as a feather as a bird in the sky
You feel the breeze around you, it's coming towards you
You're in heaven now, where the angels rest

You think your dreaming, but it feels so real
A bright light hits you, you open your eyes and see the wonderful distant clouds
of white and yellow, they're hovering there, like a dust in the sky.

Rest easy, you're in heaven forever
Here you hover while your mind lets go
Heaven will make sure you're safe forever.

New Generation
12-06-2008, 06:19 AM
You're all silent because it's mind blowing awesome!

Slayer
12-06-2008, 06:56 AM
Yeah, that's totally it.

It wasn't terrible, but I've always prefered the rhyming scheme unless it's incredibly great without it. The use of the word 'now' was a bit too frequent and it sort of dulled it down. And the second line in the second paragraph dragged on a bit. The first paragraph was ok, the second one, not so much.

New Generation
12-06-2008, 10:33 AM
I changed it a bit, is it better?

Deathbat.
12-08-2008, 03:32 PM
Nope .

LakE
12-08-2008, 04:30 PM
You drift off, you feel light and soft
You're as light as a feather, flying aloft
You feel the breeze on your skin, you passed lives test.
You're in heaven now, where the angels rest

You think you're dreaming, but it's all so real
A bright light hits you, with a great emotion to feel.
You open your eyes, and see the wonderful distant clouds
of white and yellow, they're hovering there, like a dust in the sky.

Rest easy, you're in heaven forever
Here you hover while your mind lets go, and the past comes together.
Heaven will make sure you're safe.


Bold = What I changed
Italics = What I couldn't really see any way of changing. perhaps you should just re-think those lines completely.

Anyway, that's just done in seconds, but try to make it rhyme, which will create a nice flow. Also, I've left it in different paces, since I'm not really in a poetic mood, but I'm sure if you read it over, you'll get the flow but the pace changes. You should be capable of fixing that.

EDIT: I removed the quote as it italics the whole thing, so you wouldn't have seen what I had done.

I AM A HERO
12-08-2008, 07:01 PM
You drift off, you feel light and soft
You're light as a feather as a bird in the sky
You feel the breeze around you, it's coming towards you
You're in heaven now, where the angels rest

You think your dreaming, but it feels so real
A bright light hits you, you open your eyes and see the wonderful distant clouds
of white and yellow, they're hovering there, like a dust in the sky.

Rest easy, you're in heaven forever
Here you hover while your mind lets go
Heaven will make sure you're safe forever.

Egh. Pretty weak. You don't have much in the way of language flourishes; you've got a few similes in a row: "you're as light as a feather as a bird in the sky" (2) but honestly it feels clumsy and would be more at home on the SAT than in a poetry book. Also, the overabundance of religious diction is stale; christian poetry is a bit domestic for the modern audience, it's all been done before and more artfully as well. You should go for more dynamic subject matter.

Also, for god's sake, check your grammar. Poetry is about language, if you spell something wrong it's like punching yourself in the dick on stage.