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LakE
01-20-2009, 02:30 AM
Baaaad .

LakE
01-21-2009, 05:37 AM
:Nooooooo: :Nooooooo:

pagan
01-27-2009, 08:03 PM
this blows, is it supposed to be a poem or some kind of song? spend less time trying to contrive rhyming couplets, they are way forced, and just write nice-sounding sentences. there's no rhythm or anything. also it's kind of dumb for you to be writing about stuff like this, write what you know man. who wants to listen to a 16-year-old tell them about the viciousness of war? it's like your parents trying to write poems about facebook, no matter how good it sounds it's still dumb.

Setmin
01-27-2009, 08:06 PM
take more than 10 mins next time

LakE
01-28-2009, 04:14 AM
this blows, is it supposed to be a poem or some kind of song? spend less time trying to contrive rhyming couplets, they are way forced, and just write nice-sounding sentences. there's no rhythm or anything. also it's kind of dumb for you to be writing about stuff like this, write what you know man. who wants to listen to a 16-year-old tell them about the viciousness of war? it's like your parents trying to write poems about facebook, no matter how good it sounds it's still dumb.

I agree, I do tend to find ways to rhyme when I should leave it. But if I write nice-sounding sentences, I'll find myself frustrated at how it doesn't rhyme and how I lose flow really easily.
Yes, I wasn't sure what to write about, I wrote the first 2 lines then the rest just sort of appeared and I couldn't think of anything to replace it at the time.
I'll try my next one without rhyming, but to find a flow in song with no rhyming pattern is something I always find difficult.

Thanks for the comments.

‹berschall
01-29-2009, 03:01 PM
Yeah, it seems really forced at some points. It's not bad, but there's a lot of room for improvement.

A really unsettling point is that there is neither rhythm, nor lack of it so much. You can write poems in a consistend rhyme scheme (abab, aabb, abba, whatever the fuck) and consistend meter, or you can send it all right of to hell and make it sort of twisting and shit. That can give it a more psychedelic feeling, which might even be a good thing for the topic of a soldier's broken mind here.
You picked neither; at some points it seems like you try to make it consistent, but you don't really manage. That's the worst one. My personal preference (as you can tell by my own poems) would be consistency and ordinary meters, yet I have no problem with some twisted stuff. However, you can tell if somebody tries to get consistency and fails which is probably what happened here.

Now, if you try to rewrite this, or at the next piece you write, if you try to make it inconsistent, still there are some rules.
Like repetitions. Work great when you're doing something inconsistent, reoccuring meters, rhyme schemes, phrases or lines. Like every so often, repeat something. If you go for overall consistency, that's not so important (only maybe concerning the repetition of catchy words and phrases) but with an intentionally fucked up meter and all that, it adds a lot to the poem.


Yeah, that. Also it's true that many rhymes seem forced. A rhyme doesn't always need to be words that sound really similar, it can also just be two words with almost similar meanings.


If you get all that down, work towards symbolism and metaphors and all that jazz.