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alive
02-18-2009, 12:25 PM
Helloooooooooooooooooooooo

STUFF
02-18-2009, 12:57 PM
That was a really good read and I lol'd when Jay said exactly what the narrator said about The Ox.

Keep writing, I want to see what happens.

Jeremy
02-18-2009, 02:20 PM
I don't get the clever thing about her name.

52xM
02-18-2009, 05:23 PM
I don't get the clever thing about her name.

Lucy Fer.
Lucifer.
Took me long enough to figure out too.

Very good story, alive, but I don't really get the ending. Maybe it'll get clearer in the following chapters, but it's really confusing now.

Jeremy
02-18-2009, 06:18 PM
Ah, I see .

Schwa
02-18-2009, 09:38 PM
That was hot.

It was interesting and kept me mildly entertained until the end. Something just seemed off about it, probably in the beginning. The end was much better though.

alive
02-18-2009, 09:43 PM
Thanks for the comments guys.

I might be because I started it a while ago, Schwa, and intended for it to be a serious detective novel, but when I picked up on it again yesterday, I decided to make it more humorous. I guess it clashed a little, or something.

Schwa
02-18-2009, 09:56 PM
Murr, now you can has read the story I posted in this thread? http://stickpageportal.com/forums/showthread.php?t=99679

Not that I'm proud of it or anything, I just want someone to read it and comment on it.

Also, if you don't continue this story I will be sad.

Didn't you move to China or something?

Mantha
02-19-2009, 09:02 AM
It's an awesome story, please do carry on. I have nothing to criticise about it exept this minor gramar thing:

"I wish I could tell you about her eye colour, but I wasn’t looking at her eyes. I don‘t think no man ever did."

That's an intentional double negation?

alive
02-20-2009, 02:52 AM
helloooooooooo

STUFF
02-20-2009, 07:57 AM
I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but I laughed harder than I did when reading your Louie story over at the Slipknot forums.

"I have heard gunshots countless of times in my life, but I never get used to the sheer amount of noise they make. When I was new in the business, I used to yell awesome things like “Die, cock slappers!” while firing my guns, but when I realised no one could hear me, it suddenly seemed meaningless."

^best line ever^

52xM
02-21-2009, 11:23 AM
Haha, that was great, alive. I genuinely laughed a few times.
It seemed a lot funnier than the first chapter, which seems a bit odd but doesn't really matter.

Mantha
02-23-2009, 05:34 AM
Yeah, I agree with Optimus here. Maybe it takes a few chapters to determine which way you're going. You can improve it later if you wish, but it's all good.

Please, do carry on writing.

STUFF
02-23-2009, 06:18 PM
Well, I thought the first chapter was just as good!