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/base
03-28-2009, 01:56 PM
Urban Dead (title may be changed)

Introduction

It had all happened so fast. We were in the bunks discussing the best kind of shotgun when they burst into the room. They charged at us with roars and groans. I pulled a pistol off my bunk and fired an entire magazine into the chest of a man who was wearing a bloody lab coat and blue jeans. Even when the click of the gun sounded to show the clip was empty, the man still came at me. I threw a punch with my right arm while trying to unload the empty clip with my left hand. He dodged my punch and bite down on my arm, his teeth cutting through the green sleeve of my military jacket and into my skin, drawing blood. Yelling in pain, I dropped my empty pistol and threw a left jab. The man jumped back as I toppled to the gray cold floor. He was about to bite into me again when I heard a groan, I turned my head and saw a corpse being ripped into pieces. The man above me moved towards them as my vision began to fade. I heard my squadron members scream in pain, then the splatter of blood before my hearing faded as well. Then nothing.

Waking Up to Something New

When I came back to reality, the memory replayed in my head like a broken record. I slowly opened my eyes, squinting in the dim light . The bunkers were strewn across the room, mangled and torn. I twisted my head to the right. I closed my eyes in pain as a shock shot through my body. When I reopened my eyes I saw two bloodied corpses laying on the floor. As my eyes ran over the torn clothing, I felt a sudden desire to sink my teeth in the corpse's flesh and feed on it. I shuddered from the thought, shut my eyes, and turned my head to the left. I opened my eyes and with a shock I scooted backwards, away from the skull of a corpse hanging from a somewhat still standing bunk. I felt my hands press against the bloody skin of a corpse behind me, and ignoring the desire again, I took in what I saw.
One of the top bunks, my bunk I presume, was laying on the floor. Blood-stained bunker fluffing littered the bunks. I slowly got up, my legs cracking like the hadn't been used in months, and made my way to the door. Moving a step, my foot got caught on a gun on the floor and I toppled onto a blue and green corpse lying on a bunker.
Shutting my eyes, and pushing the desire away again, I slowly got back up. Opening my eyes, I looked at the corpse and saw it was missing an arm and bite marks were trailing over it's entire body. Again I felt the desire to eat it's flesh, and actually shuddering, I made my way around the gun that had tripped me and away from the corpse. As I reached for the door knob, I saw my arm was a peculiar blueish-green color, somewhat like decaying flesh. I stared at it for half a minute, then disclosed it as the lighting. I opened the door, the knob breaking off in the process.

Red Meat

Dropping the door knob, I stepped through the doorway. It wasn't as dim in the aging hallway as it had been in the bunker room. I looked to my left, and gazed at the blood-stained gray walls. My eyes were tracing the other doors when a sudden crash caused my to jump and stand still in fright. A muffled swear and the clunk of an object brought me out of my fright and I turned around, as carefully as I could, to see what had scared me.
Standing in the hallway, a man was standing outside of an open closet. He was scowling, his head moving from a pistol magazine in his right hand, to the closet he had came out of. After a few seconds, he shoved the the pistol magazine into his right jean pocket. Moving from his face, I stared a his clothing. He was wearing a blue jacket with a white stripe on the right side, the left sleeve torn off. A blue shirt was under his jacket, and I could make out the words " I lost my" on it, the rest of it I guess was covered by the jacket.
As I continued to stare at him as he moved into the closet, I felt the desire again. It was different though, overwhelming this time. I could see the meat under his skin in my head, dripping with blood. It felt as appealing as a succulent steak, even more than that. Though my eyes were open, all I could see was myself tearing into his flesh and ripping the meat off his body. It was clouding my vision and thoughts so much that I took an involuntary step forward. My mouth salivating, I drew closer to the man, my prey. As I moved another step, the man let out another swear a the crash of an object. I was four or five steps away from what I was hungering, uncontrollable, for. I couldn't question the feeling, no matter how much my rational side screamed for me to stop and think. Some part of me was enjoying this, and it just felt so right, I took another step forward.
I came to a complete stop, though, when the man stepped out of the closet, his eyes closed and his right hand pressing against his forehead. He opened his eyes as I stepped toward him, his eyes widening. His left hand moved from his side and dived into his left jeans pocket to grab something as he took a quick step back. I moved forward, the image of his meat in my mind growing, and he pulled a pistol out of his left jean pocket. His hands wrapped around the hilt of the gun as he leveled it to my chest. I saw his mouth move as he took another step back, his body shaking slightly, but I didn't hear the words. I moved another step, my arms reaching forward to grab his hands, and he pulled the trigger.

Sherbet
03-28-2009, 01:57 PM
and this is some good writing...
but... u sure this is the right section?

/base
03-28-2009, 01:58 PM
Looked at the section descriptions. Couldn't find anything on stories.

STUFF
03-28-2009, 01:59 PM
There is a literature section.

/base
03-28-2009, 02:01 PM
It said for complementing on known literature. I'll check it out though.

/base
03-28-2009, 02:02 PM
Sorry for double post, but I checked out the literature section. If any one wants to move the thread there, they can.

Phosphorus
03-28-2009, 03:20 PM
Oh lawl. I thought this was some guy advertising that shitty web game.

/base
03-28-2009, 03:31 PM
Nope. I was somewhat inspired by Urban Dead, so I decided to try that name out.

Zed
03-28-2009, 04:31 PM
Seems similar to my Zombie short story contest entry. Probably better though, so definitely don't go looking for the zombie short story contest and enter this there. (http://www.stickpageportal.com/forums/showthread.php?t=99679)

/base
03-28-2009, 05:58 PM
I skimmed your story Zed, they are similar. Mine's not done though. It's roughly 5 pages on paper.

Beta
03-28-2009, 11:49 PM
It's an alright story. It lacks a good grammitical base in some parts and interesting adjectives.

The descriptions are fairly bleak and all of the same level. Try making one object more descriptive to have the reader focus on that and overwhelm them with the thoughts of that object. You tried to do that in Red Meat, but it lacked good descriptions. You reused the word 'dersire' quite a bit, and didn't go into much detail about it, but you mentioned it several times, obviously as a sign of something that was constantly occuring in the character's head, but the desire didn't seem "real."

Some tips on making things seem more real. Use cliches. Everyone (almost) can relate to them and it's much easier to imagine. If you are going to describe something that isn't very easily relatable (i.e. eating flesh), you need to expound upon why the character wanted to eat flesh, some logical reasoning. If there is no logical reasoning on why the character wants to eat flesh, express the non-sensicalness of it.

Hope I helped. You're off to a good start, but a lot of work needs to be done.

/base
03-29-2009, 08:47 AM
Yeah, I was trying to practice describing with this story, too. Looks like I didn't succeed.