View Full Version : The Commander

04-13-2009, 08:33 PM
I'm really proud of how deep this is.

The lonesome commander is roaming the streets,
his loin bears a fire now guiding his needs.
He strides through the fog of the deadenning nights
to finally find what is foeman still hides.

The foe turns his shoulder, he's heeding him not,
too fond of the thought he could hold what he's got.
The driven commander calls out for the fight
and follows the tip of his spear to the site.

He breaks all defenses his foe ever had,
no ambush, no tactics 'till effort is dead.
His foeman to him is a goblet in shape
of helpless, strewn armies without an escape.

The skirmish is over, he won it with ease,
but all for a lifetime his realm won't decease.
The burn in his loin has now come to an end;
the urge for a bloodshed will catch him again.

04-13-2009, 08:45 PM
You shouldn't regard your own work as deep, or it comes off as pretty arrogant and pretentious.

But damn if that doesn't flow amazingly. Would make a good song.
too fond of the thought he could hold what he's got. Great wordplay there.

04-13-2009, 08:48 PM
But seriousely, I am just proud, because for months now I'm trying to get this idea out of my head and on paper, now I succeeded a little.

But thanks loads for the comment, cool that you like it.

04-13-2009, 09:30 PM
Yeah it flows well, and the rhymes are well done and not forced. Technically good, but its not that deep. Still, excellent.

04-17-2009, 06:57 PM
Well, thank you .

04-24-2009, 12:11 PM
amazing. I loved this so much i can masturbate to it

07-12-2009, 10:07 AM
I never plan on reading that book

07-12-2009, 06:35 PM
Its not a book you ****ing retarded douche bag.

07-17-2009, 10:54 PM
i really love it

03-18-2010, 01:01 AM
Dude, I found this great thing called a Thesaurus! Joking! But seriously try using different words and avoid cliches... By the way you will be entered into a poll.

04-13-2010, 06:51 AM
I don't understand what you're saying but I guess it's a good thing.

04-13-2010, 07:01 AM
I liked this one Uber... but for some reason, I didnt think the end had the intensity that the rest of the poem had warranted. Still love it though.

04-13-2010, 07:08 AM
Thanks, this is pretty old though. The last few lines are more of a skull****er than a "holy shit look at that" kind of thing, so yeah.