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Jontiways
04-16-2009, 01:59 PM
sorry, but i had to deleate this. I wont post this again untill my exams are over. Sorry.

if you do want to read it, pm me for my hotmail and ill send it via msn or email.

sorrrryy

Omega
04-16-2009, 04:01 PM
So is this story about a guy who kills people to make them go to heaven?

zawmbee
04-16-2009, 04:05 PM
Good concept poorly executed.

Jontiways
04-16-2009, 04:23 PM
Good concept poorly executed.

could I see you do better? I know its not perfect.


i guess the story is about a guy who kills to send others to heaven, nut i think theres a little more to it other than that, but thats the base idea.

Jeremy
04-16-2009, 04:47 PM
could I see you do better? I know its not perfect.

He doesn't need to be better than you to know you are bad.

Ustartin
04-16-2009, 05:17 PM
Well that's jus-

Oh.

My bad. Thought this was something about My Little Pony.

Nevermind.

Jontiways
04-16-2009, 05:36 PM
Well that's jus-

Oh.

My bad. Thought this was something about My Little Pony.

Nevermind.

what?! please if your gunna comment could you comment about the piece? not something else?

Omega
04-16-2009, 06:04 PM
Why would a man do such a horrible thing?

And what inspired you to write this?

Jontiways
04-17-2009, 02:53 AM
something else much much worse inspired me,

he do it becuase he thought it was right?

Beefy
04-17-2009, 11:15 AM
i had to stop when i was reading it, i just couldn't finish it. it would be an excelent concept for a deranged phyco-killer, but i couldn't stand it. border-line satanic. seriously.

Jontiways
04-17-2009, 12:47 PM
becuase it was evil or becuase or because of how it was written?

Chimaera
04-17-2009, 01:46 PM
A sudden piercing screech of a car tyres ricocheted to my eardrums.

That's a big problem right here, I blame education, this'll get marks in your SATs and GCSEs, but in real writing, it looks bad, way to many adverb and adjectives, remember "Less is more".

Jontiways
04-17-2009, 04:26 PM
aaaa hahahaah... might it interest you lots that this is my english coursework? Its already sent off and stuff however I do like to show it around and see what others think. Im not cheat since this is already sent in and unchanged.

Chimaera
04-17-2009, 04:41 PM
Jesus Christ you sent this to an examining body?

Enjoy your psych evaluation...

EDIT//

You also spelt saviour wrong.

‹berschall
04-17-2009, 07:05 PM
That's really not good.
It has no deepening elements, nothing to think about, creates no atmosphere. As said before, the concept is good but you didn't execute it good. It lacks insight into the protagonists mind, how he really thinks and feels, no little hints or thoughtful symbols. Pretty weak writing, overall.

Beefy
04-18-2009, 06:02 AM
Shit Just Got Burned

‹berschall
04-18-2009, 06:04 AM
Shit just got an honest criticism.

Beefy
04-18-2009, 10:27 AM
fo shizzle niguh

Jontiways
04-18-2009, 02:30 PM
alright im not perfect,
i would try again but thats gunna happen when i can really be bothered and come up with another concept thats is somewhat good.
ill admit my skills are pretty bad and I dont need to reminded no more.

I would like more suggestions on how to improve, (i have read what has been said so far)

I would like something like an example. I cant easily just read some critism and produce a spectacular story.

Omega
04-18-2009, 05:15 PM
I don't like the main character. He was evil.



Evil people are bad.

Beefy
04-18-2009, 11:30 PM
no shit dumbass

Omega
04-19-2009, 01:38 PM
no shit dumbass

Get the fuck out of here.



Anyway, cool story.

Beefy
04-21-2009, 08:50 AM
No U. .