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Flood
07-02-2009, 10:25 PM
I wrote it in like 30 minutes, enjoy.

I remember back when me and my friends would joke about this. We would drive in a fast car, shooting zombies and it would be all fun. These aren’t zombies. They’re worse than those horrible beasts you see in movies and in videogames. We weren’t badasses, like we said we’d be. We died when all this started.
The first time we encountered them, was awful. The people who were leaving the city, were caught in enormous traffic jams. The day they arrived from Los Angeles, we all died. Not physically from day one, but we all knew, everyone was hopeless. You’d think the military could come and help everybody and save the day. But no..they didn’t. The people in those traffic jams were eaten alive inside there cars. They swarmed them, babies died, elderly, they were all devoured, by those monsters. Instead of driving in cars with my two best friends, I was hiding in my attic, with my dad’s rifle. My family had left, and I knew there was no hope of getting out of the city, so they left without me, because I absolutely refused to leave. I regret it now, I wish I could have died with them. Every day, I think of the possibility of suicide. But I can’t pull that damn trigger. Its like god refuses to let me.
One of those horrible days I suffered for a month, I went out in search of water. Oh god, I was thirsty, I hadn’t drank anything in 2 days. It was very hard to find anything that I could drink without it killing me. I went inside the Fry’s that was up the busy street, that I used to live on. All those people’s cars were still there, with their remains inside, spilled all over the seats, windows, and everything else in the car. The first time I saw the sight, I gagged. I’m sure I would have thrown up, had I had anything in my stomach in the first place. Now, I’ve started to get used to the disgusting sight. I sprinted across the parking lot and slammed my back up against the wall next to the broken sliding doors. I peeked in and saw nothing. I crept inside slowly using my prefrial vision to look in as many directions as possible. It wasn’t enough, I was pounced on from the back by one of those beasts. Its skin was crusty, and gross. It wasn’t wearing any clothes, and its face and hands were covered in blood. I dropped my gun and it slid away from me a few feet. The thing sat up from tackling me and hit me in the back with something. It was the most painful thing I’d ever felt. I yelled out but quickly recovered. I crawled with the thing on top of me, toward my gun, grabbed it, and hit the thing in the head with the butt of the gun. With my back numb and pain shooting through my whole body, I knew this was my last chance before it would get up and kill me. I lunged toward it and held it to the ground by the neck choking it. I pulled my gun up, and crushed its head on the ground with the butt of the gun, 3 or 4 times. After I took a breath I got up and felt to see what I was hit with, and felt a wooden handle. I realized it was a hatchet in my back. I grabbed a piece of rubber from the broken sliding doors and held it with my teeth. I pulled the hatchet out and bit onto the rubber as hard as I could from the pain. It was the new most painful thing I had ever felt. But that day wouldn’t end when I screamed, from the hatchet, I must of alerted some more of those, beasts. They swarmed toward me, I knew it was the end, I grabbed my rifle and quickly took aim, then shot myself up through the chin. Everything went black, and I’m sure they had a nice meal.

Flood
07-05-2009, 11:27 PM
Does anyone want to comment?

Flood
07-07-2009, 10:27 AM
I wrote this 4 days ago. Comments?

palwathira
07-17-2009, 10:54 PM
think it was a good one

suicidalbananah
12-09-2009, 06:45 PM
Well... Luv you, Flood. The 3 or 4 thing sort of... got me. 3 or 4? It's already happened, so you don't just guess. Other than that, I liked it. A short little passage about "zombies".

Cook
12-11-2009, 11:57 PM
that was great. the only complaint is that ive grown tired of 1at person zombies stories that always result in the death or infection of the narrator. It's predictable.

Flood
12-12-2009, 09:49 PM
lol yeah. i just got done writing another one, which the narrator gets infected. but this time im continuing it, to show his point of view as an infected. ill post it all when i finish. next time ill try and be more original and not have him get infected at the end.

Zed
12-14-2009, 03:48 PM
There were, I believe, a few unnecessary commas, eg. on the fifth line between 'devoured' and 'by those monsters', and all those in the line where he hits it with his gun 3 or 4 times. A few other places too.

Possibly 'peripheral' was a slightly too technical-sounding word in this context; generally the simpler the better for literature. 'looking out of the corners of my eyes' or something similar may have been better.

Besides that I enjoyed it a lot. Imagery was brilliant. Some very good description in there, and I liked your style. For the most part (peripheral being the one exception) your choice of words seemed ideal. Sentence length was right for the character and the situation. Great work.

Flood
12-14-2009, 05:31 PM
yes i just noticed the commas deal. i used to overuse commas, back when i wrote this but i've been trying to avoid it. thanks for the c&c, bro.

MagicalTrevor
12-14-2009, 06:19 PM
Nice work...good details, you sound just like an experienced author

Flood
12-14-2009, 06:36 PM
no not really. im really just getting into writing, other than school shit.

MagicalTrevor
12-14-2009, 07:02 PM
I'm beginning a novel, mind if I use a little details from your story? Not exact fragments, but the idea of the sentence/phrase/whatever.

Flood
12-14-2009, 07:08 PM
what is the novel about? and you mean like use the style or what? elaborate.

MagicalTrevor
12-17-2009, 04:18 PM
It's about a class 3 zombie outbreak. When you wrote about the inside of the car being soaked in blood and body parts, I would want to write that the inside was blood spattered, but no remains of a body was there.

Flood
12-17-2009, 10:23 PM
oh i see, nah its cool do whatever.

Fries
12-21-2009, 12:16 AM
i like it, its very detailed, mind if i print it out and use it for a writing narration...
NAH JKJKJKJK LOL but seriously im JK-ing
If he dies, then how does he write this story?

Sunder Forge
12-21-2009, 01:25 AM
I love this line.

We died when all this started.

Great story though, really, was a pleasure to read.

Rhino102398
12-21-2009, 04:35 PM
Wow, that was a pretty sweet story. Are u going to make a full version. I think you should .

Devour
12-21-2009, 04:56 PM
Hot damn, I didn't know you were this good at writing. Good job.

Flood
12-21-2009, 06:31 PM
i like it, its very detailed, mind if i print it out and use it for a writing narration...
NAH JKJKJKJK LOL but seriously im JK-ing
If he dies, then how does he write this story?
he was telling the story to someone. i don't know.

I love this line.


Great story though, really, was a pleasure to read.
thanks ;]

Wow, that was a pretty sweet story. Are u going to make a full version. I think you should .
it was the full version, it was mostly just practice.

Hot damn, I didn't know you were this good at writing. Good job.

thanks a lot, bro.

Zero
12-23-2009, 12:16 AM
I really like it. The story plot aint that good though but it was worth my time.

Flood
12-28-2009, 12:10 PM
well its hard to be original with a zombie story.

Cook
12-28-2009, 12:28 PM
I really like it. The story plot aint that good though but it was worth my time. I'd like to see you write something better.

anyways, I re-read the story and it's still really good. Flood, you should seriously go for a longer story man, this is some nice dope shit right here. I'm getting high off of this.

BDninja
12-28-2009, 02:50 PM
Ok... The first paragraph was totally unknown. I couldn't understand a thing.

The ending was weird. Why didn't you save the day, and not commit SOS?

But in the middle was ok.

Cook
12-28-2009, 05:04 PM
Ok... The first paragraph was totally unknown. I couldn't understand a thing.

The ending was weird. Why didn't you save the day, and not commit SOS?

But in the middle was ok. please just shut up. please.

Flood
12-28-2009, 06:20 PM
Ok... The first paragraph was totally unknown. I couldn't understand a thing.

The ending was weird. Why didn't you save the day, and not commit SOS?

But in the middle was ok.

the story was supposed to be as realistic as possible for a zombie story. how would you stand up to a horde of zombies closing in on you after getting hatcheted in the back, with a hunting rifle

BDninja
12-28-2009, 07:51 PM
Ohhhhh, you were trying to make it as realistic as possible.