View Full Version : Basic Script Draft - The Evolution of a Script

08-03-2009, 01:48 AM
This is the basic draft of a script, not finished, not edited. I've put this up here so you can see the transformation of it to something movie worthy.
This is what I've got so far

On the Run
Script written by ***** ******
Special thanks to <REDACTED>


Narrator –
Hello. Welcome to the sad life of Rufus Palm. The London district manager. He lives a scheduled life. A life of times and number crunching. But every Friday he escapes from this life, and he goes to the bar with his friends and co-workers. And like all bad things – his life of crime began in the bar.


Rufus to the Bartender – Two lager shandies, and be snappy man. I haven’t all day.
Bartender – Two lager shandies coming up, Rufus. You want some red wine as well, you know ... your usual?
Rufus – No, I’ve had a bad day at work. I think I should treat myself.
Bartender – Fair enough, guv’. That’ll be 5.50


Rufus – Awh, man. I think I may have drunk more then I intended too.
Friend #1 – Nonsense, you can never drink too much!
Friend #2 – Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet
FRIEND #2 leaves
Friend#1 – Don’t worry, he’s a pansy teetotaller. Now, let’s say we do something daring, aye?
Rufus – Like what?
Friend#1 – I don’t know man! Think of something!
Rufus – But I d-
Friend#1 – Tell you what.

Friend#1 whispers in Rufus’s ear

Alarm clock is ringing, Rufus wakes up with a start

Door gets kicked down, FBI flood in

Rufus – What the fu-

Cut to Court
Judge – Do you, Rufus Palm; plead guilt or non-guilty to the following crimes? Abuse of sanctioned power, attempted destruction of London Property, Treason?

Rufus - ... Guilty

Cut to Prison
Steel bars slam shut. Rufus sits down on the bed and thinks to himself. He is shocked when he sees a small hole that enables him to speak to the opposite inmate in the corner of the room, he goes up to it

Rufus – Hello?

An eye occupies the hole

Motley – Hey, you the new guy?

Rufus – Yeah. How do you know?

Motley – News travels faster than forest fire. Why you in here?

Rufus – I got drunk. Did something stupid.

Motley – So it was the drink, aye? I got done for drug possession

Rufus – What type of drug?

Motley – Just some recreational crap

Rufus – How long are you here for then?

Motley – Two years, man. Two goddamn years because I wanted to get high.

Rufus – That sucks, man.

Motley – Yeah, well I’m gonna catch some z’s. I suggest you do too. If you don’t do it soon the guards come and force you too. They don’t want you all tired out for the next day.



Prisoner Overwatch#1 – Oi! Move it! We haven’t got all day, you maggots. Get into formation.

Rufus – What’s happening?!

Motley – They’re teaching us formations today.

Rufus – Why?

Motley – Expendable soldiers down in the Middle East, man.

Rufus – Bu- I’ve never heard of anything like this?

Motley – The government keeps a tight leash on the media. All that stupidity about it being free is for celebrities and mindless families who hate homosexuals and America.

Rufus – So, what you’re saying is ... We’re being trained into soldiers to fight wars?

Motley – No. Not Soldiers, Cannon Fodder. Come on, its hand to hand training now.

Cut to Prison Cell

Rufus – Holy crap. I’m just the London District Manager, man. I’m used to a high pay check and usually minimum hours. This is ridiculous!

Motley – We all hate it. Now, I’m going to introduce you to my friend. His name is Lock. If you look to your right and peer down you can see where he is.

Lock – Hello, Rufus. Hello, Motley.

Motley – Hey Lock.

Rufus – Ummm, hello.

Lock – So, you’ve joined our ranks? How come?

Motley – He got drunk and did some stupid stuff, apparently.

Lock – Is that all you need to get in nowadays?

Rufus – Hey!

Lock – MMmhmm?

Rufus – I didn’t do some stupid stuff. I did some horrendously idiotic things. I nearly destroyed London.

Lock – Prove it.

Motley – It doesn’t matter; he’s in with us now.

Rufus – What the hell is going on?

Lock – You want to tell him, Motley? Or should I?

Motley – I don’t mind. You can.

Lock – Okay. Rufus, you are in a high level security prison. Forget about your jail sentence length. You’re not leaving here no matter what. They pick prisoners with no family or friends and no evident loved ones. They then take us here to train us in the art of war and outfit us in military gear before pushing us onto the frontlines in all kinds of wars. The only way out of here is to die.

Motley – You know Alcatraz?

Rufus – Yes, of course.

Motley – That’s cheesecake compared to this battalion.

Rufus – Where are we exactly?

Lock – Pulaski Prison, a secret facility used by the USSR, USA and UK to store their prisoners soon to be turned soldiers. We’ve only been here 2 weeks, but this wing of the prison seems to be British only.

Rufus – Okay. Okay, this is far too much to handle or even process ... When do we eat??

Motley – In 3 minutes and 23 seconds.

Lock – I hope you’re hungry. They only ever serve the same vitamin based meal at lunch. Tastes horrible, but filling and nutritious. Should give you enough energy to keep you through to dinner.

Rufus – And when is dinner?

Lock – Whenever they can be bothered enough to feed us.

Cut to cafeteria

Motley – So, Rufus. Where did you live?

Rufus – Nice little place in London. I’ve never been one for niceties.


Lock – Aaah, Rufus. This is Heath. He’s my crime-mate, and the last member of our little gang

Heath – Nice to meet you, Rufus.

Rufus – Hello, Heath, is it?

Heath – Yeah. Hey Motley, Hey Lock.

Motley – Hey, Heath.

Heath – Have you told him yet?

Lock – No, we were going to today

Motley – Are you sure he’s ready?

Lock – Yeah.

Rufus – What, guys?

Heath – We’re going to escape this place

Lock – And tell the world about it

Rufus – How?

Motley – How does every prisoner escape?

Rufus – They tunnel out?

Heath – Exactly man, that’s why they won’t expect this one

Rufus – What’s this one?

Motley – We’ve got friends in the security here now, and they’re going to turn a blind eye to us while we descend up the stairs to the roof, where one of our friends will helicopter us to Moscow.

Heath – Amen.

Rufus – Are you sure it’s safe to talk about this here?

Motley – Everybody talks of escape, I don’t think they’ll mind until it’s too late.

Heath – Besides, the main security they have here is a bunch of guys with ak47’s.

Lock – Their answer to escaping prisoners is to shoot them dead, they want us to escape.

Rufus – So we’re going to oblige them?

Motley – Oblige them AND escape them. We leave tomorrow, man.

Heath – Right, now. We should stop talking and start eating, guys. They take us back in about 4 minutes.

Cut to Cell

Lock – Goodnight, Rufus. Goodnight Motley.

Motley – Night Lock, Night Rufus.

Rufus – Sleep tight, guys.

Cut 6 hours later, daylight reaches into the cell and the cell door busts open

Lock – Come one, Man. We gotta go now! Motley and Heath are already at the copter’, just us two left!

Rufus – How do we get there?

Lock points to a door on the far end of the room

Lock – You see that there? Staircase right up

Rufus nods

Rufus – Let’s go

Cut to helicopter on the prison roof starting up

Lock jumps on board while Rufus gets to the rooftop

Lock – Are you sure there is enough room?

Heath – He might just be extra baggage, Motley.

Motley – No, no there’s enough space, c’mon Rufus!

Rufus jumps on board just in time as a bullet hits the helicopter

Heath – Crap! They’ve got snipers somewhere! Drive Stan!

Stan – Shut the hell up, I’m trying to pilot this thing

Cut to Helicopter flying away

Cut to Helicopter interior

Rufus gets shot in the leg and cries out in pain and then fall out, but manages to hang on to the railings

Motley – Rufus!

Stan – Goddamit, he’s weighing it down, we haven’t got enough power to keep this bird up

Heath pulls out a pistol

Heath – What do you say, Lock?

Lock hesitates for a second

Motley – Lock?!

Lock sighs

Lock – Bring him on, Heath. No man should die in cold blood.

Heath pulls Rufus on

Rufus passes out

Heath – Just don’t regret it later, boss.

Lock – I won’t, Heath. I won’t. Stan, how long till’ Moscow?

Screen fades to black

Narrator –

Times were looking up for the group. They had escaped the prison and had landed in Moscow. From Moscow they took a plane to Luton Airport and from there changed identities completely. They found forgers and forged birth certificates for all of them. Motley went on to become a singer, Lock underwent extensive face surgery and disappeared from the map, and Heath died in a robbery attempt a year after they escaped. Rufus became a class action suit attorney and lived comfortably for the next 4 years.

Cut to Rufus waking up and checking out his scar on his leg, he look like he hasn’t shaved for a week

Rufus – Bad memories

Doorbell rings
Cut to Rufus opening the door to reveal Motley, who is wearing a trench coat and a bowlers hat

Motley – They found us.

Rufus – You mean they found you, Motley. They found you, right?

Motley – No, Ru-

Rufus – You’re endangering both of us by being here!

Motley – Damn it Rufus! They found BOTH of us.

Rufus – But how, that’s impossible

Motley – Apparently not. I’ll tell you more in the car.

Rufus inhales deeply

Rufus – Okay, I trust you. Let’s go

Cut to car interior –

Motley – So, those SIS slash M16 craphunkers found us, Rufus

Rufus – They used the back records? But that’s against the law, Motley

Motley – Rufus, the law doesn’t apply to them anymore. Not publicly

Rufus – What’s the plan?

Motley – We leave the country, head to Ireland, from Ireland head to the USA. We start again in the USA, right? Start again like we just did.

Rufus – What’s to keep them from finding us again?

Motley – Different country man, different country

Rufus – So how are we going to get to Ireland?

Motley – A friend of mine owns a boat, he’ll ship us over

Rufus – Alright man, I can’t believe this is happening.

Motley – You should probably catch some z’s, its 2 AM at night.

Rufus – I don’t sleep much.

Motley – Neither do I, but you should anyways.

Fade to docks

Motley – Wake up man, we’re there. I want to introduce you to Kieran Leaf.

Rufus wakes up and steps outside the car

Rufus – Nice to meet you
Kieran – Now, you two wanted to go to Ireland?

Motley – Yeah.

Kieran – Then step onboard. We leave in 10 minutes, man.

Motley and Rufus follow Kieran onboard the ship.

Fade to black

Cut to cabin where both Motley and Rufus are sleeping

Motley – So, did you have any loved ones?

Rufus – Nah’, you?

Motley – Well, there was this girl.

Rufus – Mhmm?

Motley – Her name was Cordia

Rufus – Cordia?

Motley – Yeah, Cordia. And she was funny, she was hot. Damn man, I was in love!

Rufus – What does that feel like?

Motley – What?

Rufus – Love...

Motley – It’s kind of like being shot in the nuts

Rufus – I knew there was a reason I never fell into it.

Motley – Well, Night Rufus

Rufus – Night, Motley.

12-09-2009, 06:51 PM
Nice, nice. It could use a little more description, and less repetitiveness, but other than that, I thought it was great. I didn't like the concept of skipping the crime, but fawk that, this was good!

12-10-2009, 01:22 AM
Hi, your post is so cool.
i love your style