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Devour
09-20-2009, 03:27 AM
Lets see if I actually pulled this off.

Originally from here. (http://literastudio.**********.com/writing-exercises-f16/deep-in-the-forest-horror-exercise-2-t14.htm)

Forests are so dark. Even though you're out in the country so there's billions of stars, along with the moon, shining on you, its too dark to see anything. Even worse if you don't have a flashlight.
Which I didn't.
So here I am, looking like a total idiot with my arms outstretched. Inching forward in fear of tripping on a root, and swinging wildly with my arms so that I could avoid scratching myself up by stray branches.
I hate how dark forests are.
However, I'm not scared. I'm following the sound of my fellow campers, who are all heading back to their little camp they have. And over there is a roaring fire, along with a bunch of cool people I met over the week, and a bunch of tents.
Oh there we are, the campfire's just around the c
"THE LIGHT BURNS MY EYES" A gruesome, gut-wrenching voice screams.
"KILL THE LIGHT! KILL THE LIGHT!"
"SKIN THE HUMANS ALIVE FOR THEIR IGNORANCE!"
"LEAVE NO SURVIVORS! WE MUST KILL ALL WHO BATHE IN THE EVIL GLOW OF THE SUN"
The sound is horrible. All I can do right now is lay down in a ball and cover my ears, whimpering and hoping that I don't get seen by whatever evil things just came here.
But what comes next is even worse. Suddenly, all I can hear is the agonized screams of the people I knew. The horrible squeak that is the sound of flesh being ripped apart. Through the cracks in my fingers, I literally see my friends running around skinless. Illuminated by the still roaring flames of our camp fire. I don't know what kind of jump in the laws of physics let them do that, but I was seeing my friends, half skeletons, try to run away from the monsters that had attacked them.
But the monsters got them, and the screaming resumed.
I closed my eyes and cried.

Forests are so dark. Even though you're out in the country so there's billions of stars, along with the moon, shining on you, its to dark to see anything. Even worse if you don't have a flashlight.
I'm glad I didn't.
So here I am, looking like a total idiot with my arms outstretched. Inching forward in fear of tripping on a root, and swinging wildly with my arms so that I could avoid scratching myself up by stray branches.
Trembling and crying like a baby.
I'm happy forests are so dark, though.

Zed
09-20-2009, 04:02 AM
I think you should make that into a poem. Great little piece. A little short, but I don't think it would work if it was longer - that's almost why I think it would be good poetry. Lots of repetition of the word horrible.

Lol at the guy in your sig.

Repeating (sort of) the first paragraph at the end was a great effect. I really liked it.

Devour
09-20-2009, 04:22 AM
Thanks for the C&C. :D
I greatly reduced the amount of "horrible"s in the story, now. But by the way, I think what you have in mind is just a short story. Poetry usually has some sort of deep meaning in it, or it rhymes.

LakE
09-20-2009, 05:20 AM
I'm not sure on it. It just seems like you're trying to hard to make it scary. Describing things deeper would have made it scary, but it's more of a "This scary thing does nasty things" sort of scenario.
Lines like this:
"whatever evil things just came here."
Kinda ruined it for me. "things" is quite a poor way of describing what they are, just because it's used in such a wide range of situations, cutting down the possibilities of what these "things" could be would give a greater picture in your mind, and add some more fear in there.

This:
"Illuminated by the still roaring flames of our camp fire."
Was a line I really liked. It set a good picture in my mind and I could see it clearly.
One more thing before I finish this post...
"Oh there we are, the campfire's just around the c"
The ending of this line was done quite badly, to put it harshly. It doesn't give much explaination, I'm sure it means that before his trail of thought could finish he was interrupted, but maybe slipping that in there would have been a better way of pulling it off.
"Oh there we are, the campfire's just around the c
"THE LIGHT BURNS MY EYES" A gruesome, gut-wrenching voice screams."
Could be changed to:
"Oh, there we are, the campfire's just around the c- Interrupted by a guresome, gut-wrenching voice screaming(...)"

But, anyway, it's really not that bad of a piece. I read it all, so that's saying something as I have really high expectations when it comes to literature. Which is ironic, as I'm shit at it.
As stated, repeating the last paragraph at the front with a new view on it did a lot for the story.
Oh, and somewhat off-topic, I was invited to those forums and decided to sign-up, but I haven't got a confirmation e-mail, and I'm unable to sign in.

D.rousy
10-04-2009, 09:23 PM
The last one, anyway. Ive read them all but the last one, and theres
no library or bookstore, for that matter in sight. If anyone wants to
donate one, you know where I am

Cook
11-10-2009, 11:13 PM
nice story. you did put this up on Literastudio but nobody posts there anymore.