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Hiccups
10-03-2009, 10:22 AM
I wrote this sometime around the beginning of 6th grade and revised it a few times since then. Also, it has no dialogue. The setting is a space station. This is just the preface and the first chapter. Tell me why you (dis)like it, please. :D

Title: Crystal (subject to change)
Author: Colton (me)
Genre: Horror
Narrative Mode: 2nd Person

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Preface

You awaken in a diminutive, white room. You glance around and observe lots of space equipment as well as a tall, rectangular desk mounted against the wall. There are no visible exits or windows. You feel as though you’ve been here before. There is something very familiar about this room, but you can’t quite place your finger on it. You examine the papers that lay on the desk. They seem to be full of diagrams and descriptions regarding an explosive device. Moments after placing the papers down, the ground begins to tremble and the walls begin to collapse. Without any time to react, the floor gives way and you fall deeper and deeper into darkness.


Chapter 1

The stench is almost unbearable. There is a shrill scratching sound along the walls surrounding you, but it subdues after a few seconds. You see abnormal-looking doors, both in front of and behind you. The door facing you has a sign labeled “Security Office – Room 912”. The door behind you has a sign as well, but the text is too faded to comprehend. Next to you, stands a large machine that sounds as though it’s about to fail. On the side of the machine, the words “RDI Power Generator” are imprinted in a dark, faded color. By the door you are facing, there is a panel with a green and crimson LED light, but only the crimson bulb is lit. The words above the lights on the panel say “Safety Lock”. The dim bulbs are flickering on and off. The lights go off momentarily and the scratching sound on the walls around you intensifies, but the crimson bulb located on the safety lock panel is still glowing. After a lengthy minute of waiting in fear, the lights blink back on and the scratching quits, but this time the phrase “GET OUT” is engraved into the wall. Unexpectedly, the lights flash off again and the crimson light fades away. The door to the security office suddenly flies open, revealing a lighted room. You, instinctively, dash inside; hopeful for safety from the previous, dark room.

The door behind you quickly shuts and you swiftly engage the safety lock. You observe a massive generator with several monitors hooked into a control panel beside it, displaying the view of the surveillance cameras placed throughout the station. There is a door to the right labeled “Inspection – Room 914” with another safety lock panel next to it. You peer through the window on the door and see nothing save for an empty room with a generator and a source of light. The lights flash off in the inspection room and you hear the faint sound of fan blades slowing down. The door begins to rock back and forth violently.

You sprint over to the screen with the number “914” above it to see what is happening, but the only visible object is a grey, motionless figure. Before you have the opportunity to insinuate what it could be, the monitor blinks off. Amidst your panic, the lights grow dim and the crimson light on the panel fades away.


I'm sure there's some mistakes and/or errors in the story, so if you've got any criticism or suggestions, please share.

Bonk
10-03-2009, 09:34 PM
It seems a bit too action oriented; try adding some more in depth descriptions to pad it out a bit and slow down the pace. You slightly describe the physical layout of the environment, but you don't halt the action long enough for there to be any suspense or atmosphere. Try describing things in the environment that are nothing but scenery, as at the moment everything you mention has a purpose.

Brainstick
10-04-2009, 02:20 AM
Its weird , but its kinda ...... weird