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suicidalbananah
11-29-2009, 01:46 PM
Okay. Who thinks I can make a horrible attempt at a "zombie" story? I used my own name, because I know that's a pretty epic death, even if you guys don't think it is.





Ethan knew he was alone. He always had been. At his high school, he never made many friends. The only person that had ever loved him was his mom and dad. Like that mattered anymore. They were dead. Those horrible, blood soaked monstrosities came in and split their bodies open like someone peeling a banana. He shook his head, blowing the thought of it away. He had to survive. This was his turf. Not the zombies. He gripped his makeshift weapon, which was a large lacrosse shaft. He always loved to play lacrosse. Too bad he would never play it again. He turned the stick around in his hands, and started walking down the street. His life didn't matter anymore. He was getting revenge on the mutations. His legs started moving more swifter, until he was in a full out sprint down the lonely street, swinging his lacrosse shaft. As he met the group of zombies, his heart stopped. His family was there. On the right flank, he saw his mom. His dad was on the left flank. They were spilling blood all over the cement road. Ethan fell to the ground, in a stupor. His lacrosse shaft fell out of his hands as he sputtered to his feet. Ethan knew from that moment he was going to feel Deaths Embrace. As he got up, he finally recovered his wits. He grabbed his weapon and swung it as hard as he could into the lead zombies kneecap, completely blowing his leg out from under him. As he felt the blow strike, his shoulder came out of its socket. The shaft flew out from his hand, striking the zombie in front of him in the head, causing the zombies behind him to fall like domino's. Ethan scrambled backwards as the zombies came down on him. The last things he saw and heard was his blood flowing out of his body, and the screech of tires and gunshots. The rescuers were too late. He had already felt Death's Embrace.

‹berschall
11-29-2009, 01:51 PM
The opening lines about you being a total loner without social skills were a real bummer, as were the lines of your oh so heroic death. Also there's so many words repeating, it's somewhat annoying. Apostrophes don't belong on plural forms.
And it's pretty boring. It's not terrible, but it's nothing special and not catchy.

Cook
11-29-2009, 05:23 PM
The opening lines about you being a total loner without social skills were a real bummer, as were the lines of your oh so heroic death. Also there's so many words repeating, it's somewhat annoying. Apostrophes don't belong on plural forms.
And it's pretty boring. It's not terrible, but it's nothing special and not catchy. same thing here.
the story overall kind of lacked "flow". I just didn't really feel any emotion, wwhich is what stories with little action usually target.

suicidalbananah
11-29-2009, 08:08 PM
same thing here.
the story overall kind of lacked "flow". I just didn't really feel any emotion, wwhich is what stories with little action usually target.


Yeah, I know. I'm a horrible writer. I just got real bored, didn't know where to put this, so I posted it here in hopes of... I don't quite know what. I don't really care how I type, but I hope I didn't make myself look like a complete idiot.

‹berschall
11-30-2009, 11:24 AM
When you're writing a short story, not caring about how you type is about the dumbest shit you could do, tbh.

suicidalbananah
11-30-2009, 01:56 PM
Your... starting to sound like an asshole. If you don't like it, go away. Seriously. I can understand you telling me to better it, but you don't have to be a complete dick about it.

‹berschall
11-30-2009, 02:06 PM
I'm not trying to be a dick, but it's just true. I mean, yeah type however you want, but when you post a short story that's not proofread and where you didn't care about grammar and spelling at all, it makes it hard to read and the reader immediately gets a bad idea of what he's going to look at.

suicidalbananah
11-30-2009, 02:15 PM
Actually, I did use spelling and grammar. I just used grammar in some wrong places. I also don't give a crap what people think of it, as I stated earlier. I got bored, didn't know where to post it, so I put it here.

Chunky
12-05-2009, 03:52 PM
Actually, I did use spelling and grammar. I just used grammar in some wrong places. I also don't give a crap what people think of it, as I stated earlier. I got bored, didn't know where to post it, so I put it here.

I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK I DONT CARE, IM GOING TO TELL YOU I DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME EVERYTIME YOU SAY SO BECAUSE I DONT CARE THAT MUCH

suicidalbananah
12-05-2009, 04:39 PM
Well, uh... your fat.