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MasterDylan
01-13-2010, 06:05 AM
It was cold, dark, foggy and a blizzard out here. I couldn't see a thing but at the mist of everything I saw a fedora laying in the snow, I ran over to it as fast as I could and picked it up. I looked around seeing if there was a house near by or a person, I could not see a darn thing. I was walking back to my home but I soon realized I was lost so I began looking for a way back but all I found was a large cliff. I walked slowly and carefully through the blizzard, I was not so careful. I fell off the cliff and landed into a big pile of snow, after a few seconds I got up, picked up my fedora and searched some more. A few miles ahead I approached a giant building of something covered in snow. I looked around to find a hole that lead into a tunnel on the side of this building. I crawled into the tunnel barely being able to fit but I made it. I crawled deeper and deeper into the tunnel but just then I fell into another hole falling down a tough tunnel. Some snow and my fedora falling above me. I closed my eyes hoping I would land softly onto something, just a few minutes later I got to the end of this tunnel and I landed fast into some snow it hurt but I was ok. I got up and noticed a small snowman toy leaning on a wall so I picked it up and a blue/white flash appeared I don't know what else happened.


To be continued...

Zed
01-13-2010, 06:11 AM
When you said "threw," you meant "through".

MasterDylan
01-13-2010, 06:16 AM
Yes, yes I did.

MasterDylan
01-13-2010, 06:20 AM
BTW. I wrote this story. I write a lot. ^_^

Zed
01-13-2010, 06:29 AM
I think your written style needs some work. For example:


It was cold, dark, foggy and a blizzard out here. I couldn't see a thing but at the mist of everything I saw a fedora laying in the snow, I ran over to it as fast as I could and picked it up. ...

might sound better as


The blizzard out here was freezing cold, and in the dark fog I could barely see the ground a few feet ahead of me. Suddenly, out of the mist, I stumbled across a fedora lying in the snow. I picked it up. ...

It's hard to pin down why exactly, but you'll get a feel for it if you read a lot of novels and keep practising your writing.

Also, what's a fedora?

MasterDylan
01-13-2010, 03:23 PM
A fedora is a hat.

MasterDylan
01-13-2010, 03:25 PM
I write how I want to. Thanks for the tip but I'll stick to how I write.

Flood
01-13-2010, 08:07 PM
zed is trying to help you. your writing style is shit. you'll never get better if you just tell other people you write how you want

Gavel
01-14-2010, 03:48 PM
the title alone just tells you this is going to be a disaster to read. who says "One Night Ago"?

Exile
01-14-2010, 07:07 PM
There are more ways to start a sentence than with "I".

Why the hell is this guy doing any of this stuff and why should we care enough to continue reading?

Your writing style sucks, learn how to take advice. You're nowhere near a level where you can start saying "I'll acknowledge your advice but this is how I'm doing things".

‹berschall
01-15-2010, 07:33 AM
Did you seriousely use a "/" in there? Of everything, that's the most misplaced thing on the earth in a piece of artistic writing.

Lupercus
03-18-2010, 12:30 AM
Uhh... What is this it's...
I walked slowly and carefully through the blizzard, I was not so careful. I don't really like to insult people's work as long as they tried but... That is just... Poop smothered in jiz.

Edit: Dipped in a drift of pee and as the pee crawls away from the horrible piece of... Symbols William Shakespeare commits suicide but first the blue particles of life drip away becoming red in contact of the humans life source he paints a drawing of this scene with his ever lasting blood and calls it "One night ago..."