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Vorpal
02-06-2010, 03:56 PM
He pushes rubble off of him and slowly open his eyes to a house collapsed around him and and the bodies of his comrades laying in pools of their own blood or completely ripped apart with their limbs used as paint brushes to write messages of hate and spite on what walls are remaining. He quickly closes one eye because a piece of ash lands in it, at first he thought it was snowing but the land is being covered in the burning remains of human flesh. Nearly vomiting he pulls his mask on over his head and puts his goggles on so he can breath and clear his head. "Where did we go wrong? Now, or has it been like this for a while and no one noticed?" He thinks camly to himself inable to recall what not being sore from exhaustion is like as a tear runs down his face leaving a small stripe of clear skin in a face covered with ash of his own race. Staring up into the sky that is covered in ash and the sun setting behind it, "Why does pollution always look oddly beautiful? Maybe where just moths flying into a camp fire." he sais as he stands up while dusting himself off.

He sees the back end of his gun sticking out of a foot of ash, hearing explosions in the distance and the screams of people incapable of defending themselves like an echoing blast of what he has been hearing for the past six months. " Well shit, johny left me thirteen shots" he enthusiastically thinks. all of a sudden he hears static over is headset " No way, we succeded?" he thinks with his moral rising. " All units fall back to the trench we need support, I repeat all units fall back to the trench we need support!" He hears over his headset with the eerie sounds of gunshots in the background.

He starts walking slowly out of the ruins of the house and looks into the spot that he sees half of a metal pod protruding out of the ash, he walks over and wipes the dust off of it to reveal a button. He double taps the button with his hand making a fist and the pod shoots smoke out of the seams where the metal connects. The outer layer of metal falls to the ground as he steps back from the smoke and through the visage he catches a glimpse of a metal weapon rack enough for five people. " Support sent a little late, it was all over before they even launched it." He grabs a few spare clips and picks up a sword that is powered with electricity.

Lifting up the weapons that are essential to his protection, he hears something looming behind him like his shadow on a bright day. Pretending to ignore it some sweat starts forming on his forehead and his heart rate increases. Making thumping noises that he can hear in his head, the warmth that symbolises his life and courses through all his veins and remindinds him he is still alive. This very, beat his exact essance of exsistance is now about to get him obliterated. He knows it can sence his heart beat, the pulse of warmth that he has in his body. He quickly swings around with the blade of electricity and jumps towards it but not before he nearly gets knocked back by a sonic boom, a series of loud wistles and clicks cause him to have temporary overload but he still makes the leap. He knows that there is no way he is going to destroy it with any normal thrust, he must aim for the eye otherwise he won't puncture the armor.

Stabbing the blade into the eye of his foe it continues to make it's loud shrieks and noises, it thrashes about with him attached the sword refusing to let it go. The elctricity courses through its head to its tail and it flails constantly until the single glowing amber eye glows no more. it convulses and then colapses with one last spasm, flinging him twenty feet in the air. He lands on a vehicle thirty feet away sword in hand, he collapsed the roof of the car and made the glass shatter. Luckily enough his spine has been reinforced with titanium alloy making it so he didn't die on impact. But his troubles have just begun he knows that those where calls that will draw more near and that he has to get moving or he won't survive the hour and that the only probem with survival is that you have to keep it up.

To be continued.

Scarecrow
02-06-2010, 09:25 PM
It sounds like you have a good story going, but you need to be a lot more careful. I read through the first paragraph and found a myriad of errors. Here are my suggestions and corrections...


He pushes rubble off of him and slowly open his eyes to a house collapsed around him and the bodies of his comrades laying in pools of their own blood or completely ripped apart with their limbs used as paint brushes to write messages of hate and spite on what walls are remaining. (1) He quickly closes one eye because a piece of ash lands in it, at first he thought it was snowing but the land is being covered in the burning remains of human flesh. (2) Nearly vomiting he pulls his mask on over his head and puts his goggles on so he can breath and clear his head. (3) "Where did we go wrong? Now, or has it been like this for a while and no one noticed?" (4) He thinks camly to himself inable to recall what not being sore from exhaustion is like as a tear runs down his face leaving a small stripe of clear skin in a face covered with ash of his own race. (5) Staring up into the sky that is covered in ash and the sun setting behind it, "Why does pollution always look oddly beautiful? Maybe where just moths flying into a camp fire." he sais as he stands up while dusting himself off. (6)


(1). sentence is FAR too long, and FAR too lacking in commas. plus several errors already. furthermore, who is "he"? I can understand you may not have wanted to give your character a name, but you need to state who "he" is before you refer to them as "he". Maybe even describe his state a little. I suggest modifying this sentence to something like "The beaten man pushes rubble off himself and slowly opens his eyes. The house has collapsed around him, and the bodies of his comrades are either laying in pools of their own blood, or are completely ripped apart, their limbs used as paint brushes to write messages of hate and spite on what little of the walls are remaining."

(2). I'd replace "because" with "as" here. Again you're trying to make a sentence longer than it should be. More lack of punctuation. My version: "He quickly closes one eye as a piece of ash lands in it. At first, he thought it was snowing... but the land is being covered in the burning remains of human flesh."

(3). Again, lack of commas. The word "nearly" also doesn't describe the way he is feeling very well... how about: "Holding back the urge to vomit, he pulls his mask on over his head, and puts his goggles on, so that he can breath and clear his head."?

(4). I'm not sure what he means by "now". I suggest replacing that word with something more descriptive. Here's my version, with a few other small adjustments... "Where did we go wrong? Did everything only just fall apart now? Or has it actually been like this for a while... and no one noticed?"

(5). Hmmm... I think you could completely leave out the "He thinks". It's pretty obvious that the previous sentence is his thought process, and the sentence is already very long without that. I think you could also make the sentence a bit more emotional, by pointing out directly that his race is dying, rather than just implying it. "Unable to recall what not being sore from exhaustion was like, a tear runs down his face, leaving a small stripe of clear skin on a face covered with the ash of his own dying race."

(6). Okay, several flaws here. How is the sky covered with ash? The sky is not a solid object. I think you should also describe the sun setting a bit more if you want your character to comment on how beautiful it is. Next, the use of "where" instead of "we're". INEXCUSABLE. "Says" is misspelled... you should also make it clear that he is talking to himself. Speaking should not be italicised, you use that for thought. I'm also thinking you could make this more emotional if you have him lay there for a while after he speaks, and then stands up? "Staring up into the ashy sky, and at the burning red sun setting slowly behind it, he speaks to somebody who isn't there. "Why does pollution always look so... beautiful? Maybe we're just moths... flying into a camp fire." He lies there for a while, collecting himself, before standing up and dusting himself off."



My complete version of paragraph one:


The beaten man pushes rubble off himself and slowly opens his eyes. The house has collapsed around him, and the bodies of his comrades are either laying in pools of their own blood, or are completely ripped apart, their limbs used as paint brushes to write messages of hate and spite on what little of the walls are remaining. He quickly closes one eye as a piece of ash lands in it. At first, he thought it was snowing... but the land is being covered in the burning remains of human flesh. Holding back the urge to vomit, he pulls his mask on over his head, and puts his goggles on, so that he can breath and clear his head. Where did we go wrong? Did everything only just fall apart now? Or has it actually been like this for a while... and no one noticed? Unable to recall what not being sore from exhaustion was like, a tear runs down his face, leaving a small stripe of clear skin on a face covered with the ash of his own dying race. Staring up into the ashy sky, and at the burning red sun setting slowly behind it, he speaks to somebody who isn't there. "Why does pollution always look so... beautiful? Maybe we're just moths... flying into a camp fire." He lies there for a while, collecting himself, before standing up and dusting himself off.


If you want me to correct the rest, feel free to put it in a word document and send it to me... i'll use error correction mode or whatever it's called.

Vorpal
02-07-2010, 02:55 PM
Oh, thank's scarecrow. The computer I am on doesn't detect mistakes when I type them so I only really have fancy word play. I am not really bomb with the sentence structure to begin with so I make plenty of error's. Also I did type this just after a fifteen paragraph post, so the think tank was working, however the hands jst don't want to type correctly. <.<