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Tortuga
02-25-2010, 08:43 PM
Dependence.

Okay, so for Quest English we where given the prompt to write about a time you depended on somebody, so i quickly conjured up a quick fictional story, and as it turned out, i thought it was very well written. Just wanted to know what you guys though.


"Mother?" I yelled hoarsely from my specialized bed. Suited for my disability, the mattress lay relatively low, as to reduce the inconvenience of pulling myself to my wheelchair. Upon removing the multiple layers of thick sheets the cold from the nights wither chill nibbled away at my inner head. the cold, which pervaded through my naked window, became more evident as i grabbed for the guide rail which accompanied my bed frame. Using the muscles I had acquired from years of use, I heaved my imp body into the wheelchair. Just as I finished assimilating my legs into position my mother walked into the door. "Yes dear?" my mother inquired. After I cleared my throat from the mucus that built up over the night I croaked for an ice cold glass of water. As my mother walked out the door I realized how dependent i was on her magnificent help. I wheeled over to my closet, one much more open than others, and dragged my textbook-ridden backpack from its threshold in the carpet. After draping my bag over my wheelchair I circled around to see my mother holding a glass of water. The perspiration running down the appealing glass was enough to induce many thank yous from my chapped lips. I rolled across the worn carpet into the kitchen with my mother's caring hand on my shoulder. An ordinary morning like countless others had come to pass and dependent on my mother's help, I knew i could make it through many more.

Smashdood
02-25-2010, 11:52 PM
Good idea, but you've got some really flowery or bizarre word choice that does not fit. Like "pervaded", "textbook-ridden" and "threshold in the carpet" (those ones just sound weird), or "assimilating" (I don't think this one makes sense in the context).