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RUiN
03-30-2010, 06:51 PM
Phenomenon X
All I can hear is the pounding of my footsteps, my heart in my throat, and the rustle of my clothes against the glock in my belt. My backpack bouncing off my back. Face it no one ever thought zombies would actually exist but here is living proof. I, Joshua Terry, sprinting through the deserted streets of Manhattan, looking back to see countless hordes of the less then graceful undead, am living proof.
The only thing now is to get to my old high school. The one time I’ve ever wanted to go, but I hear normal living people. That’s what I’m going for, normal people. I know I can’t be a hero. Even after these monster’s killed my family, my friends, my wife… It would be foolish to attack them. It’d be me against thousands...again. The worst part is some of them you can recognize, some of them were friends. Now all they want to do is eat you.
I make it to the front door entirely out of breath, locked.
Damn it. Wait. Think… The flat top roof… perfect. They would never think to lock the windows on the second story.
I run around to the eastern side, climb on top of the dumpster, and jump with all I have left to the fire escape. My hands reach the cold, rusty metal.
Safety.
I pull myself up and continue to run up the countless red-orange stairs. Till I hit the rooftop. Again running, the windows are lit and I see silhouettes of people, normal people. I keep running. Crappy athletic shoes hitting the pavement one after another. A sound I’ve grown fond of. When I’m running I’m living. I reach the huge window and knock politely. For the sake of them liking me if nothing else I would have shot right through it. The people are astounded they open the window. Three men and two women.
I climb through. “Thanks” I manage out of breath. They start to whisper to each other. One of the men walks over to me again.
“How’d you get up here,” He says” who are you? How are you alive, we want to know everything.”
“I’m Joshua, the fire escape, and I’m quick on my feet.”
* * *
Beep, Beep, Beep, Crash
Aw hell… Monday… Well…
I get up. Kiss my baby; she’s so beautiful when she’s asleep. Walk half-heartedly to the bathroom. Grab the shiny metal handle, twist, and splash my face with some cold water. And look in the mirror to find a tired looking old man.
Man… I look like crap. I’ll get through today though.
I shut of the water and go to the bedroom, slowly slide open my dresser drawer filled with pants. I do the little jump dance to get them on and walk to the closet. Grabbing a collar shirt, slip it over my head. Grab my keys, and I’m out the door to another day, except. The most typical Monday quickly changes into a deadly nightmare. I walk outside to screams and gunshots. I hear moaning everywhere. I see empty swat vehicles and cop cars scattered in the street. I also see Tim, Tim on the ground, Tim covered in blood, my neighbor, my best friend, His face full of blood, then I look down… Tim crouching over his wife, eating, he’s eating her… I know what’s happened; I can’t make myself believe such a horrible thing. Can’t make myself believe what he really his, something I’ve killed thousands of times in games when I was a kid. My only thought… Alyssa…
I ignore the site before me and sprint back into the house. Fumble with my keys to the front door and finally open it. I run inside to find her in the shower. Safe and sound, thank god.
“Honey, I need you to stay in the shower ok?” I shout through the noise. Shutting the door and locking the deadbolt for the first time since we’ve moved here.
“Ok?... Shouldn’t you be at work?” She replied worried.
“No… It’s ok. Don’t worry about work right now”
I walk into the living room and turn on the TV.
It seems all around Manhattan a disease has made people turn into cannibals. She has trouble reading the prompt. Stay indoors for your safety. I hear a gasp behind me as the TV shows picture’s of the people of Manhattan running in fear, people lying dead in the streets.
I turn to Alyssa, She’s in a towel, and she left the water running.
“What…?” She manages “Is that for… real?”
“Yes….” Almost a whisper, I can’t talk after what I’ve just seen. “ We are going to make it out of this” I say unconvincingly “ We just need to stay inside.”
“You went outside didn’t you..? You saw?”
“And heard…Tim and Jessica were outside...”
“What…?” She chokes, tearing up.
“It’ll be ok baby… Don’t worry about it” I pull her onto my lap.
Bang, Bang, Bang
“Someone’s at the front door” She gets up wiping her tears.
“ No Don’t!”

Too late… That monster bit her arm. I killed him with my bare hands.
* * *
“From there I grabbed a shotgun out of the back of one of the vans… I killed forty-seven of them in probably ten minutes. I realized it got me nowhere, I needed to help other people I grabbed this” Pointing to my belt “Out of one of the police cars. And this” I point to the back pack I had. Filled with ammunition and my shotgun.
“Wow…” One of the women says.
I notice they have almost nothing. One man who I presume to be the leader figure in this group has a metal bat and that’s it.
“It’s not safe in here either” The man said. “Since we all hope to live here we better start moving and getting supplies. By the way… I’m Paul. That’s Justin” He points to a shorter blond kid sitting in a teacher chair. Probably only seventeen. “ That’s Cody.” A built black haired man standing in the corner with a cigarette. “ And we found these two” Nodding towards the women ”In the streets running Amber and Erin” Amber’s the one who talked at the end of my story. Short blond and cute. Erin’s taller and blond as well. They look like sisters.
“Ok” I start “Nice to meet you all, firstly, we need to get out of here or clear this place out. Then we need to get everyone armed.” I pull out my shotgun “Just in case anyone gets lost or we split up everyone needs to handle themselves.”
“Well…how?” Amber asks
” We have two big options. Searching around in the street or going to the police station. As long as everyone listens to me we can be fine, after killing so many I know just what to do. Ok?”
“We have no other hope” Paul walks closer to me.
“Then let’s go” Cody says.
“A-a-alright” Justin manages and gets up uneasily.
“Is the school clear?” I ask
“We aren’t sure…” Paul says
“Well we better clean it out first” I open the door. They follow me like I’m a savior. I figured it would be the other way around when I got here. I’d better get ready to kill.


Chapter 1

Devour
03-30-2010, 07:23 PM
It's a good writing style. I like it.
But while you describe some things in detail, such as the main character running, his thoughts, etc. You don't describe the scenery around you much, or the movements/actions you and other people make. Specifically, "Too late… That monster bit her arm. I killed him with my bare hands."
For something that important, it should have probably been much more detailed.
Good job so far though

Überschall
03-30-2010, 08:20 PM
The whole style seems pretty narrow and not consistent. There were parts where you seemingly really ran out of gas: "Too late… That monster bit her arm. I killed him with my bare hands.", "And look in the mirror to find a tired looking old man. " for example. Yaaaaaaaaaaawn.
Apart from the writing style, there is something very striking about it. It is not creative in the least. Not a bit. Generic Zombie Imma Be The Hero Now And Its So Epic Story. Done a thousand times and it stopped being interesting after a hundred. I'm slowly starting to grow sick of stories like this; cram in as much action as possible, get a quick and hectic writing style, compensate your desire for being highly regarded in a protagonist who saves the world, call it a day. Where did deep writing go? Metaphors, symbols, rhethoric figures as a means of conveying a mood, an atmosphere, a meaning, an intention? Bah no, that takes too long. Let's just whoop some zombies and have lots of guns and dismemberment. And people talking all serious about killing shit.

Sorry, it had to be said. Nothing against you in this. You just happened to trigger it.

RUiN
03-31-2010, 06:24 AM
Thanks guys it was actually for me and my friend writing a zombie story. We're seeing who has the better one in three chapters and I did this last night alone.

Yea, I put a little effort into I seriously know what you mean