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Not_Nish
04-03-2010, 03:41 AM
I wrote this one several years ago as a horny teenager. I noticed only today that Ash had posted his own adapted version of the poem 'Raven'. So I figure I'd post this and see if anyone gets a laugh or two out of it. For our younger members, Poe's original poem can be found here: http://www.eapoe.org/works/poems/ravent.htm

Well here is my version.

The Brothel Door : An Erotic Edgar Allen Poe-m

Once upon a sex soaked night, drowning myself in pure delight,
I humped her, but knew she would hump me more.
While we moaned, always kissing, suddenly there came a hissing,
As of some one loudly pis$ing, pis$ing at the brothel's door.
"'Tis some bloody mutt" I muttered, "pis$ing at brothel's door --
Only this and nothing more."


My wife left for her annual conference, listening now to some bore;
While this lusty girl whispered to me to make my movements slow.
Eagerly, I had purchased her sex-- quenching my lust between her legs.
No matter how much I paid, I knew she would be worth more --
For this bright and buxom maiden knew how to make my juices flow --
I was her customer, for evermore.


And the silken, naughty rustling of our limbs together
Thrilled me -- filled me with sensual pleasures never felt before;
So that now, to maintain the energy down below, I assured her,
"'Tis some mutt urinating urgently outside the brothel door --
Some bloody dog pis$ing loudly at the brothel door; --
This it is and nothing more."


Presently my peni$ grew stronger; but I could stand the sound no longer,
"Shoo," said I, "Stupid wretched dog, is there nowhere else to go?
Leave my wh0re and I alone, we don't want to hear your pis$ing,
It sounds like a sickening hissing, even if I heard something more,
Go away and leave us alone " -- here I opened wide the door;
My wife stood hissing, outside the brothel door.


Deep into that face sneering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, thinking of tortures every husband was forced to see before;
But the silence was unbroken, and my lungs felt they would choken,
As I shakingly spoke the only words in the frightful silence, "You didn't go?"
She grunted, she grimaced and then I could clearly watch her anger grow.
She looked first at me, and then at my wh0re.


To find excuses my mind was turning, my erection long stopped burning,
Soon again I heard a hissing somewhat much louder than before.
"Darling" said I, "surely you will listen to me explain what happened;
I got hit by a car, this girl brought me here to rest, my body was so sore --
You see no wounds now because I healed, and she took care of me so--
'This is the truth and nothing more!"


My lips were dry and I began to stutter, I could well hear my heart flutter,
She looked like she would impale me and bathe in the blood and gore;
Not a word said she; not a scream or lament or screech made she;
But her eyes betrayed a vengeful puzzlement, outside the brothel's door --
A vein throbbed on her forehead, like my throbbing peni$ sometime ago --
She hissed at me, but said nothing more.


My stupid humorless wife twisted her face, I saw her cruelly staring,
For my explanation did not explain why nothing was what I wore,
"I took my clothes off to see if the wounds were deep" I said, "Its no lie,
I was hit and the only reason I still live is because of the car going a bit slow--
This girl nursed me well, and my wounds disappeared, not one scar to show!"
Spoke my Wife "She's a wh0re."


Much I loathed this foolish wife who trusted neither me nor my words,
Though her accusations were right, I had to deny it and yell "No";
For if I ever started agreeing, then I would be the stupidest human being
Ever yet to be cursed with seeing his wife outside any brothel's door --
I kept screaming she was wrong, and that I was only seeking medical lore,
My wife repeated her only words "She's a wh0re."


My wife, she looked like an angry demon that even Faust would never look at
Those few words she spoke, as if her soul in those words she did outpour.
Nothing further than what she uttered -- no screeches, nothing she muttered --
Till I scarcely more than whispered "Believe me my love, I have never lied before --
I would never look at a woman like I do at you, our love lives on, steady and slow ."
My wife said again those annoying words "She's a wh0re."


Shocked and confused at how I could remedy this situation and go home,
"Darling," said I, "this is merely a trick of God, who knows what else is in store
I had no idea this was a wh0re's place, I was injured such she had covered my face,
Wh0re or not, she nursed me to health, I must have been a great burden for her to bore --
To see me alive is because of this girl's medical skills, she nursed me to a healthy glow!
How could you say this healing angel is nothing more than a wh0re?"


But my wife still stood there as I did melt, I did not know what she felt,
I put on my clothes quick as a flash, and rushed towards the door;
But my wife just stood there, in her eyes were something I had never seen before.
Fancy unto fancy, I stood thinking, for some reason my peni$ began to grow --
As I figured out my wife had not come there looking for me, but for the girl
That's why she said nothing but the words "She's a wh0re."


This I stood engaged in guessing, but no syllable adequately expressing
The lust with which I was now enveloped, burning me to its core;
My wife and I all along had been boning, the same wh0re without knowing
That the other spouse also cheating, how miraculously God had evened the score.
I finally understood that my wife was consumed by more guilt than rage,
I smirked and told her "She's a wh0re."


Then, at last, the air grew denser, what happened next, no poet could censor
Swung by Cupid; I ripped off my clothes again and flung them to the floor.
"Darling" I cried, "this is where the anger ends, and debauchery begins to grow.
Your bi-sexual lust make me love you again, together we shall ravish this wh0re;
She is the one who has united our marriage, and she deserves this night and more"
Spoke my wife "She's a wh0re."


"I know!" said I, "we have both cheated, but our sins are deleted --
Now that we know the secret, let us let loose all our fantasies ashore,
Perverted or romantic, Long drawn and patient, or pedantic --
Tell me your fantasies --but tell them to me truly, I implore --
Do you want to enjoy her together? -- tell me -- in bed with the wh0re!
Come with me, and her body we shall explore."


And my wife, softly treading, slowly began her clothes shedding,
She walked naked to lie on the bed, through the brothel's door;
And her eyes have all the seeming of a nymph that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light over us seductively threw our shadows on the floor;
The shadow of my peni$ went longer as the two ladies watched it grow
We had a romp like never before -- Me, my wife and the wh0re!



;) What'd you guys think?

Devour
04-03-2010, 03:46 AM
This is way funnier because I know the original version word for word.
Good stuff.

Not_Nish
04-03-2010, 03:52 AM
Thank you, The Raven is one of my favorite poems, and this one actually got me kicked out of several poetry competitions in India for "lewd and indecent content" and for "disrespecting the memory of a true master".