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Cook
01-24-2012, 04:54 PM
I haven't updadted my writing in a while, so here it goes. This is an excerpt from a story I've been writing (32 pages so far, 60% done). Please tell me what you think.

Todd saw the car pull into the parking lot and immediately realized something was wrong. Whoever was dropping off Liz was staying here.
With her.

Damian aimed his rifle down towards the guard’s face and exhaled.
“Damian, we can stop this right now. We can leave.” Matthew chuckled. “It’s never too late to back out. Hell, we’ll save ourselves the trouble of trying to board the airship.”
Damian glanced at Matthew.
“Come on, Damian. We both know we’re never going to make it. You’ll just end up hurting yourself. You’ll never make it.”

The car pulled up into an empty parking spot and stopped.

“This was supposed to be easy. This was supposed to be fun.”
“Nothing’s easy, Damian. You should know this. Going on these missions stopped being ‘fun’ when we went out to please you—your, bloodlust!”
“My what?”
“Why do you do this to yourself?”

Todd held his breath as Elizabeth stepped out of the car.

The station shuddered as a police tram arrived, the loud sirens giving away its contents.
“Why do you pursue this? Why do you want to board that airship at all?”

Elizabeth was as beautiful as ever. Her hair flowed over her shoulders the same way it did yesterday, and her glasses were on the exact spot on her nose as they were yesterday. Todd had just received his opium, and now he was invincible. At least he thought he was.
He was suddenly scared. Scared of her. Scared of what she thought of him. Todd’s mind fired incessantly, pondering whether she even remembered him or not. Todd’s chest cavity flooded with ice-cold water; his ribs crackling under the pressure of the water. Water didn’t fit the description. It was liquid Nitrogen. The cold forced Todd’s heart to attempt a feeble lunge out of his chest, resulting in a rapid pulse that reverberated throughout his body.
Todd was a shambling corpse, and his only source of light was unaware of his presence. What was a single man to the universe? Did the universe even care?
Did Elizabeth even care?
Todd tried not to look, but he couldn’t help himself. Elizabeth waited outside of the car for her driver to emerge, but it never happened. She gleefully waved them away and walked towards the school.
She was alone.

“This is the only chance we’ll get.”
Matthew stopped. Damian’s retort had finally broken him. “Damian, this isn’t worth it. The airship isn’t worth it.”

Todd couldn’t get his eyes off of her. She was wearing a plaid red jacket over a white T-shirt, and jeans to finish the outfit. Her hair was loose over her shoulders, and it partially covered one of her eyes. She walked perfectly.
The crowd that gathered around her as she approached the school seemed messy to Todd. The way everybody else walked was uncoordinated and clumsy. Todd was surprised, amazed, that nobody else was watching her the same way he did. Nobody else acknowledged her presence.
It was perfect. Only Todd knew she existed, and only she knew about him. They were mirrored souls; boats set to sail for the sole purpose to collide.
He had to do this.

The guards had filled the courtyard of the station, still too busy searching through the smoke to check the ticket booths where the duo was talking.
“Why must you torture yourself like this?”

Todd was insane, insane about Elizabeth. Every breath he took was for her, every step he took was to get closer to her. Everything he did was for her.
Todd saw an opening in the crowd and went after Elizabeth.

“This isn’t a suicide mission.”
Matt threw his arms in the air. “Then what the hell is this?”
“This is a sacrifice.” Damian fired into the soldier’s face, shattering both the silence and the guard’s gasmask, which exploded outwards into a flurry of glass and gore. “I’m doing this because I’ve never fought this hard something.”
“Fought for what?”
“Fought for myself.”
The guards, hearing the lone gunshot, aimed their rifles at the ticket booth.
“One day, Matthew, you’ll realize that you’re alone. The world will not cater to your needs. The world does not care.”
The guards, unaware of this conversation, used their loudspeakers to interrupt Damian’s speech. “Metro Police! Put your hands up!”
“One day, Matthew, you’ll realize that this isn’t about doing good for others. You’ll realize that you must act for your own good, that the actions you commit will change the future. Every word you say will change the course of history.”
“Put your hands up or we will open fire on you!”
“Silence, as golden as it is, is the only thing society forgets. Nobody is remembered for being silent.”

Todd approached Elizabeth.

“Nobody is loved for being silent.”
“You have ten seconds!”
“Damian, I don’t know where you’re going with this.”
“I’m saying that the world wants blood. Our universe demands it. Peace is an inconvenience, Matthew. Abstention does nothing. The only way to accomplish your goals, Matthew—”
“Nine!”
“—is to take matters into your own hands—”
“Eight!”
“—and fight back.”
“Seven!”
Matthew glared at Damian through his mask, either party unsure of the other’s emotions.
“Six!”
“Damian.”
“Five!”
“I trust you, but are you sure—”
“Four!”
“You want to do this?”
“Three!”
Damian exhaled.
“Two!”
“Yes.”
“One!”

Todd reached over Elizabeth’s shoulder and tapped her arm.

lolipops
01-24-2012, 05:09 PM
THlS FUCKING SUCKS

Cook
01-24-2012, 05:21 PM
Bbbbbumpoooooooooooooo.

Devour
01-24-2012, 05:38 PM
You're getting better, dude. I don't have time to give like a complex analysis of everything, but I liked it. There's just a few awkwardly worded parts here and there.

Cook
01-24-2012, 05:43 PM
I love this part I wrote:


Damian opened the paper, exposing a picture of Elizabeth. There was no grime or dirt on it, and the picture was only interrupted by the folds Damian had made. he sighed. The only thing that was wrong with the picture was he did to preserve it. If he didn’t fold up the picture it would be perfect.

lolipops
01-24-2012, 05:54 PM
I love this part I wrote:


Damian opened the paper, exposing a picture of Elizabeth. There was no grime or dirt on it, and the picture was only interrupted by the folds Damian had made. Damian sighed. The only thing that was wrong with the picture was Damian. If he didn’t fold up the picture it would be perfect.
If it weren’t for Damian everything would be perfect.

http://thxforthe.info/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/emofag.jpg

Cook
01-24-2012, 05:55 PM
Gyo, I'd get annoyed, but I'm laughing too hard right now.

asshole.


<3

Index
01-24-2012, 05:56 PM
I love this part I wrote:


Damian opened the paper, exposing a picture of Elizabeth. There was no grime or dirt on it, and the picture was only interrupted by the folds Damian had made. Damian sighed. The only thing that was wrong with the picture was Damian. If he didn’t fold up the picture it would be perfect.
If it weren’t for Damian everything would be perfect.
I think this'd be a lot better if you left out the last sentence. The readers can figure that out themselves, and it makes it less emo and overdone.

lolipops
01-24-2012, 05:56 PM
lol

i have writing that you can shit all over if you want

Ashlander
01-24-2012, 06:21 PM
That was pretty good. Actually gave me an idea for my own story. Dunno if i'll do it yet or not though.

Cook
01-24-2012, 06:35 PM
thanks for the comments I'll post more soon.

Chunky
01-24-2012, 09:19 PM
I love this part I wrote:


Damian opened the paper, exposing a picture of Elizabeth. There was no grime or dirt on it, and the picture was only interrupted by the folds Damian had made. Damian sighed. The only thing that was wrong with the picture was Damian. If he didn’t fold up the picture it would be perfect.
If it weren’t for Damian everything would be perfect.

this is the trouble i'm having with all of this, you're saying the names of the characters way too much and it's incredibly annoying.

Cook
01-25-2012, 11:25 AM
How about this?

Damian opened the paper, exposing a picture of Elizabeth. There was no grime or dirt on it, and the picture was only interrupted by the folds Damian had made. he sighed. The only thing that was wrong with the picture was he did to preserve it. If he didn’t fold up the picture it would be perfect.

2-D
01-25-2012, 11:44 AM
i thought this was a thread for the band and i wanted to post about how they suck ass

Chunky
01-26-2012, 07:36 PM
How about this?

Damian opened the paper, exposing a picture of Elizabeth. There was no grime or dirt on it, and the picture was only interrupted by the folds he had made. A sigh escaped his lips. The only thing that was wrong with the picture was he did to preserve it. If he didn’t fold up the picture it would be perfect.

almost there, you only really need to say the character name when a different character is doing something

so elizbeth derped her herp, then she whaufhawifuhawiuh. ryu sighed, 'derpderpderpderp'. elizbeth deprherpehrpdejuaeg