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zeppo117
01-30-2012, 05:31 PM
Confusion

The last story I made was junk,(Pivot breakout) I wasn't going anywhere with the story:(
but this one is going to be much better. (Bobis is not anyone, i'm just making up actors since I know that people wont wanna be people in the story, and I don't wanna be limited with actors)

Chapter 1

(edited)
The puddles dotting the streets of Chicago reflected the light of the rising sun. It was the thirty-first of August in the year 1931, and crime was running rampant in the city.

Bobis rubbed his eyes and dragged himself out of bed as the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door, and pulled it open.
“Jim!” Bobis exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”
Bobis’ partner, Jim, stepped inside. “Would you mind if I had something to drink?”
“Not at all,” Bobis said, opening the door wider to let Jim in. “I could use some coffe as well. What are you doing here at this hour?”
Jim sighed heavily. “Bobis, there’s been a brutal murder. A very controversial murder.”
“So you want me to find the killer?” Bobis asked.
Jim looked like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was at the moment. “Bobis... we already have a suspect.”
“Who is it? Why do you need my help?”
“Bobis...” Jim said, “the suspect... is you.”
“WHAT?” Bobis was outraged. “Why the hell would anyone think that I would kill someone? I’m on the police force! I’m a detective! I’ve brought in dozens of criminals!”
“I know, Bobis,” said Jim, “but there’s a lot of evidence pointing at you. You’ll have to come with me and answer some questions.”
“Why?” Bobis said. “For God’s sake, I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket!”
“I know, Bovis,” Jim replied, “but the regulations say that I have to bring you in. Look, I know that you didn’t kill that man, but... you’ll be brought in anyway, Bobis. Please, just come with me.”
Bobis forced his fury deep inside of him, and presented his hands to Jim to be cuffed.
Jim pulled out a pair of handcuffs and clipped them onto Bobis’ wrists. “I’m truly sorry about this, Bobis. I know that you’re innocent.”
Bobis sighed. “I know, it’s not your fault. Come on, take me to the station.”
Jim and Bobis walked out of Bobis’ house. Jim shut the door behind them, and the two policemen stepped into Jim’s car.

Chapter 2

Jim’s car pulled up at the courtroom. Bobis looked up from his feet and glanced out of the window.
“The courthouse? What are we doing here?”
Jim looked back at Bobis. All the evidence against you was very clear. Since you are an officer, we made sure that there was a solid case before we arrested you. I’m sorry, but we’ve gathered enough evidence to present a case against you. That case will be starting in less than an hour.”
Bobis was feeling the strain of keeping his face neutral. Inside, he was boiling with rage. Who did this? he thought. Why the hell do the police think I did it? What will happen if I actually get convicted, and spend decades in prison for a crime that I didn’t commit?
Bobis and Jim stepped out of the car. “Come on,” said Jim, “we need to hurry. You need to be presentable in court, not looking like you just got dragged out of bed.”
“I did just get out of bed,” Bobis grumbled.
“Yes, but you still need to look good. The way you are now, people will believe that you could murder someone.”
Bobis grunted and headed for the showers. Jim followed him “Sorry, Bobis, but I have to stay with you to make sure that you don’t escape.”
“Can I at least take a shower in privacy?” Bobis asked, exasperated.
“Of course,” Jim replied, “but I’ll have to stand outside of the door.”
“Fine.” Bobis muttered.

Fifteen minutes later, Bobis towelled himself off and got dressed. He walked out of the shower room feeling a little better.
“Are you ready?” Jim asked.
“I won’t ever be,” Bobis answered, “but I’ll come, yes.”
Jim escorted Bobis into the main courtroom. Bobis looked around in amazement as he walked through the doors. There were people everywhere. Every seat was occupied, and there were dozens of people standing. Questions flew at him from all sides.
“Bobis, why did you kill Mr. Stevens?”
“Bobis, how did you go from detective to murderer?”
“Did you have any help from underground contacts?”
“Just keep your eyes forward. Don’t talk to anyone,” Jim said in Bobis’ ear.
“I know.” Bobis replied. “I’m a police officer too, you know.”

A few minutes later, everyone was quiet and Bobis was seated. His attorney was someone that he had never seen before in his life. The judge banged his gavel.
“The case will now begin. The defendant, Bobis, is being charged with murder in the first degree. How does the defendant plead?”
Bobis’ attorney opened his mouth. “Guil-“
“Innocent!” Bobis yelled. A hush fell over the courtroom.
“Does the defendant have any means by which to prove his innocence?” The judge asked.
“I’ve never even heard of Mr. Stevens before in my life!” Bobis shouted.
“Bailiff!” The judge called. “Bring the defendant a picture of the victim’s body and a description of the autopsy.”
Confusion update
The bailiff came back in a few minutes with the picture of the corpse and the autopsy.Bobis took the papers and studied them closely.
"What the hell!" Bobis exclaimed. The corpse had a cloth wrapped around its head, and an open wound in its neck. "What happened to the victim?"
"The victim was found at the scene with a portion of flesh missing from his face and split neck. The fatal strike appears to have been a quick slash to the throat. It was the cut of an expert assassin."
"So how do you get the connection to me?" Bobis practically yelled. "I'm a detective, not a killer!"
"The victim was found with your fingerprints all over his body, and the knife and scalpel used to kill Mr. Stevens also had your DNA all over it!" The prosecution suddenly said. "There is a lot of evidence against you, and not a single piece of evidence in your favour, except that you were on the police force as a detective.
"You're using a past tense," Bobis said, suddenly calm again. Years of doing interrogations had helped him to conceal his emotions. "What do you mean, I 'was' on the police force?"
"I mean," The prosecution said angrily,"that you killed Mr. Stevens. For a police officer and detective, that is a terrible thing to do. If you ever get released from prison, you'll never be on the force again!"
The force of the man's words sent Bobis down into his seat. The only job he had ever had and enjoyed... he would never be able to do it again.
"Does the defendant have any evidence to defend himself?"
"No," said Bobis' attorney.
"Then I hereby sentence Bobis Johnson to life in prison. I recommend that he not be released until after at least twenty years." The judge swung his gavel onto his desk, and the case was closed.

Chapter 3

Bobis walked calmly with the officers that brought him to his cell, but inside he was furious.The guards were taunting him nonstop.
"Ah, the great Bobis Johnson, what an amazing fall from grace!"
"Who could believe that this skinny bastard could kill a military man like Stevens?"
So Stevens had been in the military. Bobis filed away that information in his brain for later use.
"What a despicable, despicable man you are, Bobis," said one of the guards, mockingly shaking his head. "What a terrible murder for a great man like you to do!"
Bobis had had enough. He let his anger explode and pounded the one guard's face into the wall. The other guard stood still in shock until Bobis slammed a knee between his legs. He curled up on the ground in silent agony as Bobis tied and gagged both of the guards with items that he found in their own pockets. He grabbed a can of pepper spray and a tranquilizer syringe and raced adown the corridor. The was another guard there. Bobis threw the tranquilizer syring into the guard's neck, but not before he hit an alarm button on the wall.

Sirens blared through the halls as Bobis darted through the passageways, navigating his way out of the prison.He saw double doors ahead. "The exit!" Bobis exclaimed aloud. He pushed through the doors...
Straight into a semicircle of police cars and officers. "FREEZE!" Came the inevitable shout. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Bobis raised his hands above his head.

Bobis hit the ground with an audible thunk as the armed guards threw him into his cell.
"Enjoy your stay!" one guard called as the cell door slammed shut.
Bobis sat on the floor for a few seconds, allowing his eyes time to adjust to the dim lighting.How did this happen to me? Bobis wondered. Did I actually do this somehow? Did someone drug me, to make me lose my memory? If there's DNA at the scene, it must have been me. There's no way to fake someone't DNA, but I have no recollection of ever seeing this Mr. Stevens in my life! I need to get out of here, to find out what happened.
"Dammit," Bobis said aloud. "How the hell..." Bobis glanced around the room. His gaze fell upon a minute crack in a wall. He couldn't believe his luck. This is one of the training cells! They must have run out of regular cells with all the crime in this city.I tested this cell myself! There's only one way out, and I was the only trainee ever to find it! This is my chance!
Bobis paced around the room. What tools can I use! This is going to hurt if I have to use my fist... There was nothing of use in the room There was just a hard cot, and a thin sheet... Wait! The cot! Bobis walked over to his cot and gripped the legs. He heaved once, then twice. The cot rocked towards him, and then fell back again. Bobis tried again and again, until his face was bright red and sweat was pouring from his brow.He fell back and sat on the ground, his chest heaving. He was still for a few minutes, panting and struggling to catch his breath. Then he stood up and smiled ruefully.
"So much for the cot," he mumbled. He got to his feet and bunched his fists tightly.This is going to hurt...
The wall crumbled and Bobis hurtled over the debris as a blaring alrm sounded.

will be Updated
If you see a mistake, post and I will fix

Cook
01-30-2012, 05:49 PM
Hey man, since I like you and your potential, and I'm a million times the writer Devour could ever wish to be, I'll C&C this for you.

Selected sections in Bold, comments in Red.


Confusion

The last story I made was junk,(Pivot breakout) I wasn't going anywhere with the story:(
but this one is going to be much better. (Bobis is not anyone, i'm just making up actors since I know that people wont wanna be people in the story, and I don't wanna be limited with actors)

Chapter 1

The morning sun shrunk most of the puddles that doted Chicago’s streets. The first rays of light glistened agents windows and cars. This is a very awkward opening. A couple spelling mistakes, you should go with "The morning sun shrunk the puddles that dotted Chicago's streets, the first rays of light glistening into windows and against cars."

The year was 1931, and crime was heavy in those times. Bad, Bad, Bad. "Those times" is terrible. The speaker should not feel like he is reading a history book, unless, of course, he is. just drop "those times" altogether and stick with "It was MONTH DAY 1931, and crime was as heavy as ever."

Bobis wiped the sleep out of his eyes, drowsily dragging himself to the door, someone was knocking. Bad structure. "Dragging himself to the door in response to its incessant knocking."
Bobis is a famous world detective and news reporter, no one would expect him to be a criminal, but this time was different.By now I'm losing both faith and interest. This is a terrible way to introduce the character. You should not tell the reader that "Bobis" is a criminal, the reader should assume this by the hints in the text. And don't say "OH HEY THIS GUY IS FUCKING GREAT" you should place subtle hints that the reader will come across and say "Oh, huh, I guess he's BLANK"

“Hello Jim. Horrible way to begin a conversation. People don't speak like that. Try this: "Oh, hey Jim." Said Bobis, stepping aside to allow his police friend in as he rubbed his eyes. "Good to see you, man." nice to see you.” Said Bobis, welcoming his police friend in.
“I’m sorry, Bobis but you’ll have to come with me and answer some questions. Bad conversation. Jim is Bobis' friend, not a robot.
“Is something wrong, Jim?” Bobis is not a therapist. He shouldn't be happy about being accused: "What? What's happening?"
“Yes, you are under suspicion of murder. Terrible. You wouldn't flat-out tell your friend that he's a killer. You should build up to it, make Bobis make him coffee or something. Add some tension. It doesn't help when "OH HEY I FOUND OUT YOU RAPED MY SISTER???"
“What?” exclaimed Bobis, “I assure you...”
“Sorry, I do believe you, but...um...well...”
“I understand.”
With that, Bobis slowly followed Jim to his car. I feel like this is something out of a bad japanese movie. That's not the way people act.

Add some space between two seperate ideas, like this. This makes the reader reason that something has happened in that gap of time and literature, which did, because we didn't jump from Bobis following Jim to his car to just driving to court.
On the way to court, Bobis thought, why anyone would suspect him guilty, he never murdered anyone before, and in fact he’s never done anything illegal, ever. You just said that he was a criminal in the beginning. “Who did I supposable murder, and why?” Bobis thought to himself. “Guess I’ll see soon." As much as it makes sense plot-wise, that's not what a person falsely accused of a crime that could cost them their life would say. If i were accused of murder, I would not simply "Oh man, what a quinki-dink, I wonder what happened?" I would be hysterical, more along the lines of: "hEY WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? I DIDNT DO SHIT I SWEAR!"
Chapter 2
The court room was stuffier than usual, the wooden char felt extra hard. Bobis had a hard time getting comfortable.
“Smash!” The sound of the judge’s hammer crashing agents the table made Bobis jump.
Bobis started too sweet. “What was this case going to be about”? Thoughts swarmed Bobis’s head; his blood felt like it was boiling.
“Last night, a corpse was found...” The judge started.
“God, the case has already started” Bobis thought, “seemed just like five minutes ago I woke up!”
“A corpse was found in an alleyway with part of his face missing, and trout split open. A witness clams to have seen Bobis here, kill the victim. The tool used to remove the body parts, was found next to the body, with prints that mach Bobis’s fingers, so all the evidence points to you, Bobis. What do you say in defence?”
“I see, all the evidence points to me, all I can say is, that I must have been framed”, Said Bobis, quite fast.
“Do you have any evidence for that?”
“No, but may I see the corpse?”

Chapter 2 was too badly written to C&C. My advice, destroy chapter 2 and start again, using my hints to start your story and work on Chapter 2 in a similar fashion.

I hope this helped.

zeppo117
01-30-2012, 06:24 PM
thanks for the tips, im not so good at righting, but you have to remember that is back in the 1930s and i wanted to make the actors talk the same as people did back then

Cook
01-30-2012, 06:50 PM
I understand your argument, but there is a difference between local dialect and garbage. The way they speak is not natural. It is robotic.

zeppo117
01-31-2012, 01:33 PM
you make a good point, thanks for the help
i think im gonna make a remake of chapter 1-2

Excellion1498
01-31-2012, 03:57 PM
I can edit them for you.

DiPi
02-07-2012, 12:49 PM
I can edit them for you.

I don't know if it is a good idea:

PRO- By reading the chapters you make, he can upgrade his style

CONTRO- By doing so, he won't learn directly by experience

CONTRO's CONTRO- he would learn by someone with some experience

You know what? Maybe it's a good idea

Excellion1498
02-07-2012, 12:50 PM
I've already done it. The writing up here is all edited by me.

DiPi
02-07-2012, 12:52 PM
Now that I read, you're right
I'm sorry for my unnecessary intervent

Excellion1498
02-07-2012, 12:54 PM
Okai.


he would learn by someone with some experience
Lol, I have no experience. Total War is my first piece of writing, this being my (partial) second.

[EDIT]Update! Pretty large one, mostly an expansion on a basic escape scene.

The bailiff came back in a few minutes with the picture of the corpse and the autopsy.Bobis took the papers and studied them closely.
"What the hell!" Bobis exclaimed. The corpse had a cloth wrapped around its head, and an open wound in its neck. "What happened to the victim?"
"The victim was found at the scene with a portion of flesh missing from his face and split neck. The fatal strike appears to have been a quick slash to the throat. It was the cut of an expert assassin."
"So how do you get the connection to me?" Bobis practically yelled. "I'm a detective, not a killer!"
"The victim was found with your fingerprints all over his body, and the knife and scalpel used to kill Mr. Stevens also had your DNA all over it!" The prosecution suddenly said. "There is a lot of evidence against you, and not a single piece of evidence in your favour, except that you were on the police force as a detective.
"You're using a past tense," Bobis said, suddenly calm again. Years of doing interrogations had helped him to conceal his emotions. "What do you mean, I 'was' on the police force?"
"I mean," The prosecution said angrily,"that you killed Mr. Stevens. For a police officer and detective, that is a terrible thing to do. If you ever get released from prison, you'll never be on the force again!"
The force of the man's words sent Bobis down into his seat. The only job he had ever had and enjoyed... he would never be able to do it again.
"Does the defendant have any evidence to defend himself?"
"No," said Bobis' attorney.
"Then I hereby sentence Bobis Johnson to life in prison. I recommend that he not be released until after at least twenty years." The judge swung his gavel onto his desk, and the case was closed.

Chapter 3

Bobis walked calmly with the officers that brought him to his cell, but inside he was furious.The guards were taunting him nonstop.
"Ah, the great Bobis Johnson, what an amazing fall from grace!"
"Who could believe that this skinny bastard could kill a military man like Stevens?"
So Stevens had been in the military. Bobis filed away that information in his brain for later use.
"What a despicable, despicable man you are, Bobis," said one of the guards, mockingly shaking his head. "What a terrible murder for a great man like you to do!"
Bobis had had enough. He let his anger explode and pounded the one guard's face into the wall. The other guard stood still in shock until Bobis slammed a knee between his legs. He curled up on the ground in silent agony as Bobis tied and gagged both of the guards with items that he found in their own pockets. He grabbed a can of pepper spray and a tranquilizer syringe and raced adown the corridor. The was another guard there. Bobis threw the tranquilizer syring into the guard's neck, but not before he hit an alarm button on the wall.

Sirens blared through the halls as Bobis darted through the passageways, navigating his way out of the prison.He saw double doors ahead. "The exit!" Bobis exclaimed aloud. He pushed through the doors...
Straight into a semicircle of police cars and officers. "FREEZE!" Came the inevitable shout. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Bobis raised his hands above his head.

Bobis hit the ground with an audible thunk as the armed guards threw him into his cell.
"Enjoy your stay!" one guard called as the cell door slammed shut.
Bobis sat on the floor for a few seconds, allowing his eyes time to adjust to the dim lighting.How did this happen to me? Bobis wondered. Did I actually do this somehow? Did someone drug me, to make me lose my memory? If there's DNA at the scene, it must have been me. There's no way to fake someone't DNA, but I have no recollection of ever seeing this Mr. Stevens in my life! I need to get out of here, to find out what happened.
"Dammit," Bobis said aloud. "How the hell..." Bobis glanced around the room. His gaze fell upon a minute crack in a wall. He couldn't believe his luck. This is one of the training cells! They must have run out of regular cells with all the crime in this city.I tested this cell myself! There's only one way out, and I was the only trainee ever to find it! This is my chance!
Bobis paced around the room. What tools can I use! This is going to hurt if I have to use my fist... There was nothing of use in the room There was just a hard cot, and a thin sheet... Wait! The cot! Bobis walked over to his cot and gripped the legs. He heaved once, then twice. The cot rocked towards him, and then fell back again. Bobis tried again and again, until his face was bright red and sweat was pouring from his brow.He fell back and sat on the ground, his chest heaving. He was still for a few minutes, panting and struggling to catch his breath. Then he stood up and smiled ruefully.
"So much for the cot," he mumbled. He got to his feet and bunched his fists tightly.This is going to hurt...

The wall crumbled and Bobis hurtled over the debris as a blaring alrm sounded.