View Full Version : Little school project i had to do

05-07-2012, 04:43 PM
This was obviously something i had to do for school, C&C is apreciated and all that

The sun was beating down on me like my wife when I forgot to feed the horse. She comes running after me with an iron skillet every time I forget. My skin felt like it was laid out on a stove. Ol’ Smokyhoof (my less-than-majestic steed wasn’t taking the heat well either. He was barely pulling though the flat dirt. I heard that a shipment of whisky I had ordered ended up abandoned in the desert, which is the only reason I was out in this wasteland. It took a while, but it soon came into view. A carriage with a missing wheel and whisky bottles pouring out of the doors. It was beautiful; the sun could set right now, and it wouldn’t be as graceful. I went over; stuffing everything I could into my knapsack. I know Smokeyhoof wouldn’t be able to take the entire carriage with him, so I drank some of the bottles I couldn’t take. The ride back was much more bearable, except for my brain churning like butter in my head, and almost falling off my horse countless times. I had reached Ridgewood with enough whisky to kill myself and an incredible dizziness. I opened up the bar and put the glasses on the shelf. I sat down behind the counter trying to keep myself from passing out.

Hours passed until someone walked in. He tried to be all showy, acting as if he was some big shot. His hat was tipped downward and he stood bow-legged. He ordered a beer as he sat down at a stool. Another person came in shortly after, and took a seat next to mister-too-good-for-his-own-spurs. It only took a short while for the saloon to fill up. Around closing time came in the only lawfully clean person in this town. Mayor Griffin went shoved open the door, took a seat at the counter, and ordered a scotch. Depression was just radiating from his one gazillion dollar custom tailored suit.

“Why the long face, horse ran off or something.” I asked while handing him the glass

“No, nothing like that, my wife has just been freaking out over the strangest things” He said after taking a swig of the scotch.

“Doesn’t every woman do that?” I asked jokingly as I started to clean off a glass

“Heh, no she’s been thinking of things for the future, like being able to talk to the entire world through a box.” He chuckled while shaking his glass.

“The entire world huh?”

“Yeah, it’s when she’s acting like this that my idea of getting a shrink is justified.”

“Well I would back you up on that.”

“Well I should get going now, need to stay sober.” He said as he paid the bill. Days passed by and the front page of all the newspapers seemed the same, “bank robbery”, “hostages freed” and things around those lines. The strange thing was that the criminals looked like I’ve seen them before. They went by the names T-bone Tony and Bone-chewing Benny. I’ve heard of the names before, but never seen their pictures. It was that one strange day; when everything seemed off. The mayor came in and sat down for another drink, but so did the numbskull from the day I found the abandoned whisky, along with the customer that came in just after him. They finished their drinks, and pulled masks over their faces. They both pulled out revolvers and held up the place
“Everyone on the ground, and get out any money you have!” The less showy of the two shouted. The other one pointed his gun at me, and asked me for money. I opened up the money box and handed it to him.
“Now ladies and gentlemen, I am your robber for today, and my name is Bone-chewing Benny.” Said the one who didn’t have a gun shoved in my face. He was going around taking everyone else’s money. I didn’t want anyone to die, so I did what the criminals told me to. In the window I saw the sheriff walking over to the bar. He looked through the doors window and realized what was going on. Bone-chewing Benny backed up to the door; still pointing his gun at us. He reached it and started talking with the sheriff. Time slowly paced onward as my heart was pounding in fear. The entire room was silent; the only noise being the criminal who must be T-bone Tony walking around. Bone-chewing Benny walked in and pointed to a few people, he told them they could leave. “The rest of you stay here!” He shouted

“Benny, what just happened?” T-bone Tony asked with his hand twitching.

“Sheriff is paying for them to be free; then he’s getting more money for the rest.” Benny responded

“I shouldn’t be here, I have work to do!” Griffin shouted angrily

“Oh yeah, and who in tarnation do you think ya’ll are.” Benny focused at him.

“The mayor of this here town.” Griffin shouted. Both criminals looked at each other with worried eyes. They had realized that they were in over their heads. The sheriff came back and started talking with Benny again. It was quiet again for a bit, until the bar filled up with chaos. The back door busted open and two deputies started shooting. The entire room was filled with bullets, screams, and blood. I passed out in the middle of this chaotic shootout. When I recovered I was helped up off my feet. Three bodies were strewn about the floor. The two criminals… and the mayor were lying in a pool of their own blood. It was stunning to say the least, the mayor taking the eternal nap. I was told to take the next few days off, just because of what happened. I didn’t know what to say, so I just went along with it.

05-21-2012, 11:28 AM
Err I found it kind of hard to follow, I am kind of curious to see what you got as a grade. I think you should try to rephrase some of the idioms you used such as, "The sun was beating down on me like my wife when I forgot to feed the horse." You had used a tone which reflected to a more recent time period though you contradicted the time in the next sentence refering to multiple times, it was a little confusing I just recommend to re-read it aloud before submitting it next time. I sincerely think it will help, good luck on your next assignment, I hope I was some help.