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the_hero
05-06-2008, 09:09 AM
Unfinished. Alot needs work.

So, i got bored and decided to just write a bit. This idea of a guy being chased through this autumn path, a beatiful road, it had been in my mind for a long time.
I feel it could have been executed far better, so i'm going to work more on it when i have less of a headache, but here it is;

Any help would be greatful, i don't really want posts saying "That's shit." i ant constructive crit'. I'm aware of alot of faults, the use of words need more variation, which i think i'll get working on later. First real piece i've done in over a year.



The golden path, drowning in autumn leaves.
The trees loomed over the path, creating a tunnel.
The branches intwined with one another, leaving little room for the sun to burst through.
It was like one of those autumn scenes you have on your computer when you first get it.
I always set that as my desktop background, a beautiful autumn scene.
I'm not sure what it was about autumn i loved, was it the air and atmosphere? How it's not quite cold, but nor is it hot, or was it the way the leaves make the paths look like a carpet of crispy gold?
Maybe it was everything combined to make such a time.
Autumn is the prime season.
My foot collided with the concrete floor, sandwiching the leaves as they cried in pain while they crunched.
I almost felt guilty for destroying such a scene with my ruthless steps.
I was running. Sprinting. Sprinting for my life. Panting for that little air that could keep me going.
I couldn't stop, there's nowhere to hide, but behind a tree. That won't save me now, nothing will.

Somehow, the sun that had managed to burst through to gaps in the branches seemed to ambush my sight, despite the fact i was wearing a cap.
Maybe i was wearing it wrong? Is there a wrong way to wear a cap? I suppose wearing it backwards is a wrong way.

I inhaled as deeply as i could, while i ran down the path. I knew they were close behind, although i couldn't hear anything other than my own breathing and the crunching of leaves beneath my feet.
Each step, is a step further from my fate, but closer to an end.
My trousers rubbed against my legs, i could feel the keys to my apartment raving in my pocket.
My phone had fallen out a way back, i didn't have the time to stop and pick it up.
Damnit, i don't even know what the **** went wrong.
I can't run forever, my legs ached and my head was pounding.

Allow me to give you a quick run through of what's going on here;
I'm being chased by a bunch of ****ing morons that think they own this city, all because they're related to some big named jerk-off that even the police fear to take down. Pussies.
If i hadn't of left my house, these bastards wouldn't even be on my case, and my sister wouldn't be dead.
"Oh, let's go out for a meal. It'll be nice for us, you can catch up with what my life is like now."
Yeah, let's go for a ****ing meal and get shot in the face. Great. You stupid bitch.
Even in her death, i still complained about her.

My sister had moved to New York, she had come back to visit me here in England. Apparently, her life was going great. She had met a guy, they were planning on marriage. Her job was the best, so she says. She was even making more money than anybody i know.
That's all i had found out.
We parked up near the park, we were going to see her friends, then go for a meal. She got out before me, eager to rub in her sucess.

She was encountered by two men. I got out of the car and told these jack asses to screw off.
I noticed one of them was a little familiar, that's when i realised who he was. Some feared mafia relative. Smart looking, a black suit, red tie, white shirt. Skinny fellow, real pale look to him, his eyes were smaller than the average guy, quite freaky. His friend was a bit on the chubby side, wearing the same as each other. This fat **** was holding a gun. His fingers were like little pork sausages. The thought of them made me want to laugh to myself, but i held it in. **** getting shot just because this guy likes his food.
They tried mugging my sister, they threatened to rape her.
All the while, i just stood there, not knowing what to do. The fat one grabbed her, tried taking her off. I took a stride forward and swung at him, i made collision, knocking the bastard to the floor. Then the skinny fellow beat me across the face with his fists.
Who would've thought? This skinny asshole can pack a punch.
I hit the deck, he stood above me, glaring down at me as if to say "Move. Go on. I dare you."
Deciding to take him up on his dare, i got to my feet and stared at him.
By this time, the fat one had risen also.
He attempted to grab my sister again, who for some reason didn't run. ****ing idiot.
She wasn't a chubby chaser and she knew she was far too good for him, so she started scratching at his face like some sort of animal. As though she had been caged and tortured by him for years, then was eventually set free just to turn around and bite the mother****ers face off.

I stood watching. Feared for the worst, i knew if i moved they'd be on after me. Which it's come to anyway. I couldn't leave my sister, so i just raised an arm when i heared the click of the trigger.
The small explosion from the end of the barrel. The bullet rocketing through the air.
It seemed exactly as my fist hit the guy, the bullet impaled my sisters face. Knocking her to the ground. Dead on impact. Nobody can survive a bullet between the eyes.

I saw her hit the ground, i saw the blood pour from her head. I witnessed the life leave her eyes in a second. I knew she was dead, and i didn't want to join her.
So, i ran. Straight into the park.
They followed. It was midday, there was nobody around but us. I was the only witness.
Knowing i'd go to the police, they wanted me dead.

That's how i'm here right now. Still stricken with the same emotion i was when i heared the click.
"**** no, don't hit her."

Deadface.
05-08-2008, 04:50 PM
Unfinished. Alot needs work.

So, i got bored and decided to just write a bit. This idea of a guy being chased through this autumn path, a beatiful road, it had been in my mind for a long time.
I feel it could have been executed far better, so i'm going to work more on it when i have less of a headache, but here it is;

Any help would be greatful, i don't really want posts saying "That's shit." i ant constructive crit'. I'm aware of alot of faults, the use of words need more variation, which i think i'll get working on later. First real piece i've done in over a year.

It's not bad, just work on the minor spelling and capitalization errors.

imported_SPARTAN_117
05-08-2008, 06:06 PM
It's good, but the intro could've been constructed better, the flow of the first paragraph didn't seem right. There were a few sentences and metaphors that weren't clear but overall it was good.

rx00worth
05-10-2008, 07:09 AM
yea, short story >_>

catfan
05-10-2008, 10:50 AM
It's kind of confusing when you're describing this beautiful scene, then all of a sudden you're running for your life, then all of a sudden, boom-- BACKGROUND INFORMATION! Maybe you should think about starting off with the background information and leading up to him being chased? And maybe try to describe the scenery as you're running, but don't try to make it sound too pretty, because that makes the tone of the story sound happy. He's running for his life, for Pete's sake! He doesn't have time to describe the pretty scenery!

Just a suggestion.

Cade
05-30-2008, 05:06 PM
good story need a litte work on the first paragraph.