View Full Version : SJCRPV (Sebastian) vs. Cooling Fever (Zachary Miles)

10-24-2012, 06:39 AM
Hi :D

Sebastian - Demonic powers used to enhance physical abilities
Zachary Miles - Necromancer with demon powers. Has a sword that eats souls.

Here's my part of the battle, Cooling Fever will post his a bit later.

Note: This text and the demo will most likely be my only stories written in 3rd person, it was a nice exercise but I feel more comfortable writing in 1st

Hope you enjoy :)

Wandering around SP-City with his favourite black coat on a rainy day, Sebastian was looking at videogame stores, carefully analyzing which ones to buy once he got some money. He had only been here for a week so the city was still pretty much new to him. Eventually, he got lost, but he didn’t seem distressed, Sebastian just kept walking, dazed in his thoughts, eventually he would bump into something he knew and carry on from there. What worried him was that he would have his first wRHG fight today, about 30 minutes ago, against someone named Zachery Miles. He received his challenge 6 days before, telling him to meet that person at the entrance of the wRHG building so they could go to their arena.
Sebastian never liked to go to a fight without knowing who his opponent was. Zachery was the one who wielded Incruentus, a sword even Daicilus feared, though he had never heard about the “wimp”, so he said, who wielded it. As they read the file, however, they acknowledged the fact that he could be quite dangerous. Remembering what he read, Sebastian felt a burning desire to fight but, at the same time, he didn’t want to. He had no reason to hurt him. Daicilus on the other hand, was getting impatient, he didn’t share the same love for videogames that Sebastian had and they were already late for the battle.
Come on! How long are we going to wander around looking for shitty games? I want to feel your blood boil, I want to feel that rush, I want to feel the power flowing, I want to FIGHT! And we both know that you feel the same as well.
Sebastian sighed on the inside.
Fine. We’ll check the rest of the street and then I’ll ask for directions. Happy?
Not really. I’m not happy because we don’t know where we bloody are!
He was right. They had no clue as to where they were.
We’re still checking out the rest of the street.
It had no videogame stores but Sebastian did find a candy shop, where he happily bought a chocolate bar, though, as he walked out of the store, about to take his first bite on that piece of angelical sweetness, the bar crumbled and fell on the floor.
Surprised and heartbroken, while Daicilus laughed his butt off in his mind, Sebastian heard:
-You’re late. Why didn’t you show up?
-You…you destroyed my chocolate… - Sebastian shifted his attention to the heartless man in front of him. He was a bit taller than him, wore some sort of weird armor and had dark leather wrapped all around him, except for his left arm which had several scars, along with a spiky shoulder guard on his right. – What the hell was that for?
-You didn’t show up like I asked in the challenge
Sebastian looked at the sword he carried, it was shaking. Daicilus got quiet the moment he saw it.
That’s… Incruentus… - the demon muttered
-You’re Zachary Miles? Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I just got lost in here.
-Didn’t seem like it.
He was obviously referring to fact that he saw Sebastian stop to buy candy like he had all the time in the world.
-Uh… yeah… well… I sort of have a soft spot for chocolate… but in all seriousness, I was actually lost; you owe me one of those – Sebastian pointed at the destroyed candy – and why the heck is your sword shaking?
-Because you’re a demon.
-Not exactly. If you had read my file, you would know that I have two souls: mine and a demon’s.
Zachary turned around.
-We’re still fighting. Follow me.
-Guess there’s no helping it. By the way, how did you find me?
-This blade can sense evil, that’s all I’m telling you.
-And where are we going?
Zachary gave him a glare, showing he was getting rather annoyed, though he still answered.
-An abandoned park.
Understanding the signal, Sebastian didn’t say another word until they reached their destination.
The park seemed to have not been taken care of for a couple of decades, the benches were full of rust and the paint was almost completely torn off; the grass was tall, roughly 60 cm (nearly 2 feet for those who use this measure) the trees were old, some even dead, and the ground was full of old leaves and garbage. It was still raining, but out of caution Sebastian left his coat in one of the benches, he didn’t want any accidents.
-When do we start? – Sebastian asked as he turned around
He barely had time to dodge Zachary’s sword as a downwards swing came in his direction while he was placing his jacket, nearly hitting it
-Woah! Dude, careful, I really like that jacket.
-Too bad, I could’ve gone just a little bit further.
Zachary then tried to hit him with the sword’s hilt but as Sebastian prepared to grab it Daicilus yelled him not to. Sebastian hesitated, jumping back with his nose bleeding.
What the hell Daicilus?
I just saved your life jackass! You can’t touch that sword.
Well, why the fuck not!? This hurts goddamn it.
There wasn’t time for an answer as Zachary dashed for another attack, this one a right diagonal slice. Sebastian dodged it with ease to his side and took the chance to concentrate a bit of demonic energy on his fists giving him a punch just below the ribcage and another one in his kidneys. Just a split second after hearing Zach’s groan of pain, Sebastian grabbed his shoulder with the hand that had hit his back and pulled him, while he clenched the other one, concentrating a substantial amount of energy, aiming at Zachary’s face. Recovering in time however, Miles used his blade to protect himself.
Thanks to Sebastian’s demonically enhanced reflexes, he managed to stop right before he touched the sword, pulling his fist back and jumping away to get some space.
I was getting a bit carried away. What happens if I touch that sword?
That sword has a mind of its own, it decides who can use wield it. Anyone else dies the moment they touch it, just ask Hades… and 3 of my power-hungry uncles.
That sword killed Hades! How the heck am I supposed to beat that?
Charging once more, Miles tried to do the same thing, but this time, after Sebastian dodged it, he continued his movement and spun around, aiming for his neck. The nobleman managed to duck, but jumped away as he wasn’t in a position where he could get a good hit out of.
Sebastian needed time to think and to do that, he needed space, but Zachery wasn’t willing to give him any. He kept pressuring him, constantly attacking him. Endurance wasn’t Sebastian’s strongest point, one of his weakest in fact. After a while, he was getting tired and at one point wasn’t fast enough to dodge the sword, suffering a deep cut in his stomach and another one on his arm. Zachary’s sword seemed to glow whenever it touched blood. Decided to finish this as quickly as he could before things got too ugly, Sebastian jumped back, concentrating another large amount of energy in his left hand and feet, dashing as fast as he could, the moment he touched the ground, completely ignoring the large amounts of blood he was losing from his wounds. Zachary pointed his sword in Sebastian’s direction and dashed as well. Predicting the nobleman’s move, he adjusted the sword’s position just before his opponent attempted to dodge the blade. Close, but not enough. Sebastian, even though he suffered a cut in his left temple, managed to punch Zachery Miles in the stomach while giving a creepy expression of pleasure in his face. The wielder of Incruentus flew back a couple of meters, vomiting everything he had in his stomach, plus, quite a lot of blood. The rain was getting worse. Sebastian, finally giving some attention to his wounds, was on his knees, trying to stop his bleeding, stomach, arm and head. The pain was too much and Sebastian had used to much demonic energy, it was proving hard to keep Daicilus under control. He was losing sanity. Zachery on the other hand was doing his best to get up after the blow he had taken, still quite visibly shaken; he was using his sword to help him.
Upon seeing this, Sebastian, who was more Daicilus than himself leaped at him as if he were a beast, pinning him down. With his eyes wide open and a smile that would creep even those with the strongest hearts he claimed:
-Oh no! You’re not getting up again. I’m going to kill you, eat your soul, slice your body into tiny little pieces and eat them as if they were chips, keep your head, use it as a mug, **** **, force someone to wear it, **** ** again and then, only then will I bury you, by digging to the center of the earth and shove it in the world’s core, watching you melt in magma. Then I’ll use that sword to take over the Underworld when this stupid kid dies.
After that horrifying threat Sebastian managed to control himself long enough to release one of Zachary’s arms and say:
-Not gonna happen - Miles eyes started to glow bright red as he chanted – “Obsecro many mali sanguis mortuis”.
His veins started to become brighter as well, matching the sword’s colour. He seemed to be out of himself. In a totally different voice, the voice of someone that came from the center of Hell he ordered as he projected Daicilus to the air.
-Get off me!
The demon inside Sebastian fell on his back and didn’t even have time to get up. As he opened his eyes, Incruentus was about to be stabbed in his head. He rolled, just barely avoiding it. Daicilus took advantage of his position and sweeped Zachary’s legs causing him to fall, changed his center of balance to the other inferior member and kicked his hand, forcing Zach to release his grip on the blade, and consequentially letting it fly about 1,5 m (roughly 5ft).
While yelling sounds of ecstatic approval, Daicilus jumped high into the air, focusing an abnormal amount of energy on his left fist. Screaming only in one high pitch note, he started to fall, waiting for the right time to thrust his arm. Unlike Sebastian, Daicilus was aiming for Miles’ chest, he was aiming to kill.
The rain kept pouring harder and harder.
A huge crack on the ground surrounded Zach and yet, he wasn’t at the center, Daicilus had missed because of Sebastian’s intervention.
Zachary wondered what happened, why he was still alive but he took that chance to grab his sword back just to see Sebastian, still bleeding, on only one of his feet, grabbing his head with his bloody hands, trying to get his body back. Zach jumped, aiming against the nobleman’s brain, giving a war cry.
Sebastian and Daicilus in the midst of their argument:
Quit being such a douche
Quit being such a bitch
Noticed Zach’s attack, dodging it by a mm(millimeter, 0.04in) to their right. Sebastian talked; serious for the first time:
-I don’t want to kill you, but I’ll break a few bones if I have to.
He charged a punch in his left hand and swung his arm. Zachary, whose sword was stuck in the ground, had to release his grip on it to dodge the nobleman’s attack. Not giving up, the Sebastian kept the pressure up, by combining attacks from the fists, feet, knees and elbows, all of them charged with enough energy to break any bone, even if the attack was blocked.
Zach managed to dodge the first few, but broke his left arm trying to defend himself against a kick. Taking advantage of his pain Sebastian tried again, this time from the opposite side. In pain, but still thinking, Zachary managed to lower his shoulder enough for Sebastian himself stab his foot on the spikes that made part his shoulder guard. The nobleman screamed.
Now both of them, screaming in pain, were trying to finish each other off. Zach was trying to reach his sword but Sebastian, with both his hands, managed to grab his head; the bloody figure that the nobleman was, managed to say:
-Sorry… and, you still owe me a chocolate bar.
After that Sebastian only remembers putting enough strength in his hands to push Zachary’s head against the ground in order to knock him out.
The rain didn’t stop.
Sebastian woke up the next morning in a hospital bed, he tried to move but his wounds didn’t allow him.
Hey, Daicilus, you awake?
Yeah, what is it?
Is wRHG entertaining enough?
Sort of, you shouldn’t have stopped me
You would’ve killed him. I didn’t want that. He’s alive isn’t he?
Don’t know and frankly, I don’t care
If he’s alive, he’s probably here as well
Sebastian tried to move once again and with great effort he managed to get out of the bed. He wasn’t able to put his left foot on the ground so he skipped his way to the room’s door almost bumping into Zachary, who had a plaster in his arm. At least Zach was paying attention.
-Get back to bed.
-Nice to see you too Zachary.
-Why did you spare me?
-Because I never wanted to kill you.
-The demon inside you wanted…
-But I didn’t. I came to wRHG to contain myself. I don’t want to kill anyone unless it’s a kill or be killed situation. Anyways, who won?
-I came to ask you the same thing. The last thing I remember was you grabbing my face…
-The last thing I remember was grabbing your face…
-Get back to bed. I need to give you something.
Intrigued, and because I knew Zach was alive, I did as he asked. Zach took out a chocolate bar and offered it to Sebastian, leaving right after.
Maybe he isn’t as cold as he looks – Sebastian thought
He removed the paper wrapper around the sweet only to find out this one was destroyed as well. Sebastian had been fooled.
-That son of a *****!

cowboy bodacious
10-24-2012, 10:32 AM
I like the story, can't wait to see cool fever's story.

10-24-2012, 07:41 PM
I like this one a lot! I hope you put that much effort into the fight against me, cuz you're gonna need it ;)

10-24-2012, 08:53 PM
First and foremost, I'm extremely curious who voted before Cooling Fever's story came up, especially because he/she voted for him...

Anyway, pretty solid story, but I've got a few things that you should keep in mind.
Sacred mentioned the importance of the grabber in a different battle, and now I'm going to stress it here. Whatever you lead with, your first few sentences, are hands down some of the most important ones in your story, rivaling the ending. The beginning determines whether or not it's worth reading. Don't overdue it, but make it demand attention. Make it kidnap my attention and hold it at gun point, the ransom being the story's completion. It has to be really good, and I'm sorry, but walking around in video game stores isn't exactly captivating. I'm not saying you have to scrap that, but you've got to say it interestingly, or lead to it in a neat way.

Just to give you an idea:
"Wandering around SP-City with his favourite black coat on a rainy day, Sebastian was looking at videogame stores, carefully analyzing which ones to buy once he got some money."
"Virtually in sync with the white flash from the lightning bolt ripping across the sky just outside, Sebastian's curious eyes leaped from an abyssal to baby blue and back as they skimmed the covers of the games he planned on purchasing when his wallet carried a little more than air."

Something else to keep in mind is that your intro also sets the tone of your story.

Second, I found your flow to be a little bit disorienting. It got a little confusing when Sebastian and Daicilus spoke to each other. There needs to be some sort of way to show that they're communicating, because having it so sudden'll really mess with your reader's head. It's like your suddenly jumping to first person, then to first person someone else. Just something simple like '...' "..." or <...> would help out a lot. Keeping with the flow issue, the parenthesis to clarify meters to feet broke it up a little bit too. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that your trying to make sure that your reader understands, but they've just got to adjust. There are 32 centimeters in a foot (If I remember right), so there's just under three feet in a meter. If we think about it long enough, we'll figure it out, so don't worry about it. Last thing that threw me off was the *s. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind if you censor or bleep certain words, but it was just a little odd when it wasn't consistent. Maybe that's just me though, so don't sweat that last one.

Lastly, don't be afraid to show mental struggles. They give a character more heart and soul than a physical shot could. Same thing applies with their reactions and what they go through when the big shots are delivered. Be descriptive about it!
Just a quick top of the head example of the later:
"With the sudden roar of a gunshot, a bullet ripped though the air, tearing though Larry's skin and sending him to the floor, bleeding."
"With the sudden roar of a gunshot, a bullet ripped though the air, splattering blood on the walls as it tore though Larry's skin. Instinctively, the man let out a cry of agony as his hand reflexively jerked over the gushing blood while he stumbled back, collapsing to the ground in just a few small steps, the reeling pain pinning him to the floor like it was nailed there by a barbed spear."

Again though, it was a sweet story! Especially impressive because English isn't your first language!
Good luck!

10-25-2012, 12:55 AM
Thank you for the advice Crankuba, I'll keep it in mind :)
I initially had " " these for Sebastian and ' ' for Daicilus but following a suggestion from Cooling Fever under the same reason you desribed, I changed to what it is at the moment, I will keep it this way but I'll try to make sure it's more obvious who's talking.

I'll edit this later with the rest of my answer but right now i'm in a bit of a rush, I just want to say that Cooling Fever has been busy and will post his part on friday. Also, every vote that comes before that will not count.

10-25-2012, 10:23 PM
Hahaha! I love the ending! XD Okay, sorry about mine being a little late, had personal stuff to work out. So, here it is!


The sun shone down over the mountains with rays of light, ones that reminded Zachary of a lantern peaking through an open door. A few hours ago, Zach had awoken to find himself next to a mutilated beast that he had decapitated, taking one of its sharp, long, and razor-like teeth as a trophy of battle.

The creek was cold, but somewhat soothing, or perhaps even tranquil, something Zach did not get to enjoy often. With the hunters always on his trail, he never had time to sit and relax, only fight and fight some more.

As he sat in a small bend within the creek, he glanced over at Incruentus who was tucked away in its sheath, leaning on a boulder. Over many years, he had grown fond of his blade. He no longer saw it as a sword, but as a friend or guardian; but deep down, far beneath of what was left of his heart untouched by the cruelness of the world, he had a secret hatred for the blood hungry thing. It wasn’t that it was a tool for murder, or that it had become more of a curse than a gift. It was because it had been the thing that killed the only love in his life some time ago.

He stepped out of the water and used a rag he had in his pack to dry himself off. Slipping on the leather chestpiece, he looked over at Incruentus once more.
I could leave it here, I would never have to worry about the burden ever again, he thought to himself. He gave out a short, shallow sigh and strapped his shoulder piece on, I can’t. It would find me, it always does.

Zachary grabbed Incruentus and slung it around to his right side, adjusted the strap to a comfortable state, and traveled onward. He had to hike his way up the slope of a mountain; stepping over large rocks and jumping down over ledges.
The normal life of an adventure, Zach thought. As he got higher, he could feel the wind start to pick up, pushing through the wondrous canyons formed in between these green and luscious mountains. Zach knew not of the name given to these rocky formations, so he had decided to name them himself, ‘Viridi Gigas’, for ‘Green Giants’.

Zach anticipated what he would find in the city, it actually excited him to finally be in contact with other human beings for a change. After being on the run for so long, he was always having to avoid other people and crowded places, sticking to the forests and mountains. Now, he felt confident that he could blend in with the common rabble and not be noticed by any hunters. That is, of course, if they don’t spot Incruentus upon his entry.


“State your business here!” a watchman shouted down from the tall metal-like wall.

“My name is Troy Agathon, I come here to find work within my trade!” Zachary shouted back, not wanting to give out his real identity.

“And what be of your trade, Troy Agathon?”

“Simple craft; forging and blacksmithing!”

The guard, who was only a shadowy figure due to the sun being high above his position, disappeared away from sight. He soon returned a few seconds later with a strange shaped object in his hands, Zach could not tell what. The shadow figured man pressed the object to his face, at that moment, a loud sound pierced the dark, clouded sky, a sound almost like a whale call or a deep-toned trumpet.

As the call died down, the large metal gates began to swing open. Even though Zachary had been around to see all of this technology develop through the years, he was still amazed by how far the human race had advanced. He thought back to his original times, when they had only boats and catapults, inventions that seemed to be at the peak of all science and technological advancements.

He walked inside, and saw to his disbelief how busy and active the city was! Cars and people, the lights and sounds, Zachary had almost forgotten what it was like to live in a place like this. Though this was a sight-to-see, he was afraid, afraid that he would lose control or get into some trouble with hunters.

Hunters, he knew they were here, he could feel their presence. He felt as if he was being watched, but it may just be his paranoia, there was a lot of people after all. Most of the people that lived here looked weirder than he did, though, they didn’t draw in more attention than he.
Anyone could be a hunter, Zach felt his paranoia grow. But there are too many people, I can’t pick them out from the crowd!

Zachary’s tension began to weigh heavier on his shoulders, he was becoming stiff and felt like he was the odd one out of an entire sea of faces.
They’re going to find me, I’m doomed! I need to find a place, a place with less people, but where?

Zach shifted his eyes in all directions, desperate to find an escape. There were buildings everywhere, but his anxiety and panic had almost completely taken over his rational thinking. He could feel his Rage building up, preparing to take over.
Shit! I knew this would happen! I need to find somewhere to escape to before I lose control!

Without thinking, he burst into the closest door and slammed it shut. He was hunched over, leaning against the door, breathing hard. His Rage returned to its calm state and he started to relax. He began to take back control of his emotions and placed himself under his normal, stone-hearted feeling. He reached down to grab Incruentus’ hilt only to rub against worn away leather usually holding Incruentus and its sheath.

Zach instantly went into panic mode, “Oh fuck! This is not good, this is not good!”

Zach rushed back out the door, to find Incruentus laying in the middle of the street. Everyone was gone, It was as if it had been abandoned for years, a total ghost town. Zach felt a blast of relief, not caring what had happened to the large group of people. He walked with long strides over to Incruentus, bent over, and wrapped his fingers around the hilt.

“Zachary,” said a deep, demonic voice. Zach looked to his left and saw a boy, one of only 16 or 17. He wore a normal hooded jacket, with the hood atop of his head, almost covering his face. Zachary could see his eyes, they were a strange color of bluish-gray, a color that matched the anger of Zeus building up in the sky. Zach noticed a bulge emerging from the left of his jacket, a square-shaped object.

“Zachary, how nice to see you again,” the boy said.

“Who-” Zach knew immediately who it was. “Daicilus!”

“Ah, you remember me,” Daicilus said with a devious smile.

“What are you doing with this boy?”

“He’s my little servant, my host body. Isn’t it great? Now we can have more fun up here instead of down in that dreadfully boring place,” Daicilus said with sarcasm that Zachary knew all too well.

“Daicilus, get out of him!”

“I can’t,” Daicilus smiled. “Sebastian is very fun to mess with,” he let out a small chuckle, an evil laughter.

“If you won’t leave on your own, then I’ll just have to force you out!”

“Oh Zachary. Just because you’re the Warrior of the Underworld; woops, I mean used to be; you think you can order me and others around. Well, that isn’t the case anymore; besides, you can’t kill me without killing Sebastian.”

“We’ll see about that,” Zach withdrew Incruentus and took a battle-ready position. He took the hilt in both hands and charged in Daicilus’ direction. The boy that Daicilus had control over, Sebastian, only stood there, watching as Zach grew ever closer by the second.

With one swift step, the boy stepped out of the way with ease, putting Zach in disbelief.
How the fu-

Zachary's train of thought was interrupted by a sharp, painful pound on the back of his head. He flew and skipped upon the ground, leaving cuts all over his body. Skidding to a stop, he opened his eyes, only to see Sebastian's foot forcing down towards his face. He quickly threw Incruentus up to block the attack, feeling the powerful energy in the stomp.

"You're rusty Zach! What happen to the old you I know? Where is the great warrior you used to be!?" Daicilus cried out.

Zach pushed with all his might against the power of Daicilus, forcing the boy to stumble backwards. Zachary saw his opening and took it; he leaped at Sebastian and swung with great strife, slicing the boy's hand from his arm. Sebastian fell to his knees, letting out a wail of pain. This wasn’t Daicilus anymore, Sebastian had gotten through Daicilus’ control.

“Y-y-you cut off my hand....”

Zach could clearly see he was in shock and took it to his advantage. If it was one thing he knew about Daicilus, it was that he was a sadistic bastard, he would be laughing to himself at the pain and suffering that Sebastian was going through.

Incruentus was glowing, demanding more, wanting more of this boy’s enjoyable blood. The veins pulsed and the hilt shook. Zach could hear the souls in the gem screaming out as they chanted and shouted.

Sebastian stood up and glared at Zach, “You cut off my hand! You’ll pay for that!” Sebastian charged at Zachary, blood spurting in all directions; Zach did the same. Each one swung and punched, kicked and dodged, it was almost as if they were performing a graceful dance of different fighting styles.

Zachary swung with quick moves, cutting Sebastian in long pattern-like lines, while Sebastian continued to cover his wound and counterattack with powerful martial arts.

Both were beaten to a pulp, barely able to stand, but they drove on. Sebastian, exhausted and losing control over Daicilus, tripped over his own feet. Zachary took noticed and had finally found his opening; with one flick of the wrist, he forced Incruentus through Sebastian’s abdomen.

Time seem to freeze, Sebastian stopped and said nothing, only holding his gut and looking in Zachary’s eyes. Blood trickled down his jacket, dripping to ground, just to be washed away by the rain ever growing harder.

Zach leaned in and whispered into Sebastian’s ear, “I’m sorry....” With that, he slide Incruentus out of his flesh and watched as Sebastian fell to the ground. The boy took his last breath as the light faded away from his eyes. The rain poured down and led the blood streaming from his body down the street, into the sewer drain.

Zach took the notebook out of Sebastian’s left pocket. Most of the words were written in Portuguese, but some of it was actually in Latin, probably got it from Daicilus.

It read, ‘I only want to be normal, is that too much to ask for? Everyday, I am confronted by the horrible dread of fighting and living with a demon inside me. I wish it could all just end....’

Zachary gave a sigh of sorrow, placed the notebook back in the boy’s pocket, and shut Sebastian’s eyes. Reaching into his pack, he pulled out two coins and gently set them on Sebastian’s eyelids, “It’s all over now, your curse has been relieved.”

10-26-2012, 11:54 AM
Well, your story is better than mine :O
It would be unfair if I voted for myself.
You're winning 4-0 at the moment, and honestly, I doubt I'll be getting many votes (or any at all). GG :P

Btw you still owe me a chocolate bar Cooling >: (

cowboy bodacious
10-26-2012, 12:59 PM
sjcrpv i actaully liked your story better, i dont know may be jsut me but if you can win and not kill your oppenent unless you have too. to me that makes you a bigger winner

10-26-2012, 01:20 PM
I think I got your personality very wrong though. :/ I was going to incorporate the chocolate bar in there somewhere but I forgot to. Oh well. But I really did enjoy yours SJ, the ending made me laugh so hard. That is something Zach would totally do to someone. XD

10-26-2012, 02:18 PM
It wasn't entirely wrong, though there were 2 parts that bugged me.

"It read, ‘I only want to be normal, is that too much to ask for? Everyday, I am confronted by the horrible dread of fighting and living with a demon inside me. I wish it could all just end....’ "

If it was something I would say it would be something like this:
"It read, 'Living with Daicilus has brought me a horrible feeling guilt. Everyday, I feel bad for all the people I killed, the people I made suffer, the people I made wish they were never born. Since I can't get rid of Daicilus, I'll contain him somewhere where he can't kill anymore innocent people. I hope wRHG will be able to do that...'

“You cut off my hand! You’ll pay for that!”
I wouldn't say that. I would only give a terrifying glare

10-26-2012, 04:58 PM
Lol, yeah that hand part was a difficult part to write, I was trying to keep the flow, but it ended up kinda bad.

10-26-2012, 05:09 PM
Well the hand part itself I liked, it was just that one line that bothered me :3