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View Full Version : Cowboy Bodacious (cowboy bodacious) vs Nitro (SharpThaAwesomeStick)



Sharp
11-16-2012, 11:47 AM
Well, here's the battles!


Nitrositus Oney vs Cowboy Bodacious

I woke up. My whole body hurt, and I didn’t really know where I was. I felt like I had been sleeping for a long time. I had this feeling in me that something bad had happened. I suddenly heard something.
”Uuuurgh......”

”Who the hell is there?”, I said with an angered tone.

”Uuuuurgh........”

”Show yourself, you bitch!” My fear made my voice sound squeaky.

I heard a voice behind me.

”Do not disturb the undead. They need their rest.”

”What? Where am I?”

I looked around. I couldn’t see a thing in the dark. It took a few seconds until my eyes got used to the darkness. It seemed like there was no sky at all, just darkness in the air. The lifeless, dead, grey dirt was mindlessly littered with uneasingly tall rocks.

”Where the hell am I?” , I asked again.

”You have seemed to have died again. You should not be so careless with your life.” The voice was dark and soulless.

The lifeless dirt began to smother in lively flames and flickering embers.I didn't know if to fear them or be relieved that my surroundings were cleared.. The rocks was not rocks, but dead people in pain. The thing I was talking with was death.

”Goddammit...” I knew I was in trouble this time.

”You shouldn’t have underrestimated Deathtouch. He shaked my hand once, so you would be no match for him. Ohwell, it’s time for you to be in eternal pain.”



”No! Give me another chance! I need to continue the tournament and kill that monster!” I felt my anger against Deathtouch.

”Hmph. Very well. But for your punishment, you have got to give me 50% of your blood.”

I was shocked of what he said.

”WHAT? No way! I’ll die of blood loss! What do you need it for anyway?”

”Don’t worry. There will be no diffrence whatsoever. I’ll make it so you can regenerate the blood. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I can only get blood from living people, not from souls, and I need it for my ritual.”

”Fine... But you better not be lying to me!”

”Nitro... you should know me better then any living creature. Trust me.”

He stared into my eyes, and I fell uncontious.




I woke up. I examinated my surroundings, and saw that I was outside of the wRHG building. The place looked like normal, gray and rusty. The sky was cloudy, and the grass was green. It was a normal nice day. I opened the front door, and went in. The waiting room to get a battle was much more filled then before. ”Wow, many people have joined while I have been gone.”, I thought. I fetched a number, and waited.

”NUMBER 19!” a voice shouted.

I looked at my number. ”Nope.”, I thought. The number seemed to be 22.






”NUMBER 22!”

Finally, after about half an hour, it was my turn.

”Who am I going to battle?”

”Hmmm.... Name?”

”My name is Nitro.”

He grabbed a paper, with names all over it.

”Nitro, Nitro, Nitro.... Oh, there you are. Your rank is.... average.”

”AVERAGE!?”

I bellowed out with my hands thunderously crashing down at the reception desk, the receptionist's sleepy, fed-up face burst awake in a flash. I snatched the paper from his grip like a hawk, and began to read, and as he said, I was labelled average, along with my battle record, I tried to calm down, but this fact still silently boiled my blood.

”But... but I got a perfect on the entry test!”

”Yes, but you lost a battle, so you downgraded. That’s the rules, kid.”

”Fine... I’ll battle... how about that cowboy? He’s in the rank -skilled-, so I’m going to go up a rank if I beat him, right?” He seemed weak on the picture, and I thought he would be easy to beat.

He took back the paper, and looked at it.

”Yes, that is true. This is one powerful cowboy though, you think you can take him on?”

”I’ve survived death two times, I should be fine.”

He looked at me with a confused look, but gave me a map.

”He’s supposed to be here at the moment.”

I went out of the building, and headed to my hideout to get prepared for the batte.





Finally, I was done getting my preparations. I took a quick look at the map, and examinated it. The place was a field a few miles away. ”Hmm....”, I thought. ”How will I get there? Mabye Sharp will help me?”



”No way!” Sharp was furious.

”Why? You can probably get there in about 15 minutes!”

”Because I don’t want to carry you all the way to back there!”

”Come on, I’ve saved your life twice and you’ve killed me once. You owe me one.”

Sharp sighed.

”Alright... But just this one time!”

”Don’t worry. I’ll not bother you anymore after this.”



”There it is!”, I shouted.

”Finally!”

I jumped off Sharp’s back, and he fell over.

”Sorry for making you run all the way to here. You can go home now.

”No! Now when I’m here, I’m gonna watch the battle!”

I smiled, and ran off to the house back on the hilltop.

The cowboy was playing with his lasso. I Shouted

"Hey! HEY!"

He turned around.

"Hmm?"

"I want to battle you!" I shouted.

"Oh, a challenger. What is your reason to challenge me?"

"My name is Nitro, and I want to go up in rank in the wRHG tournament, and defeat Deathtouch!"

"Hmph, fine. We shall battle then!" He said.

"Bring it! >:D"

I darted towards him, and turned my hand into a knife. His lasso reacted somehow, and chased after me. I dodged the attack, and continued running. When I was close to him, I swung my knife-hand in his face, and got a hit. He got a big scar in his face, and I saw a small ounce of fury in his eyes. I started to throw jabs in his face. He suddenly got furious, and punched me in the stomach. The pain became huge in me, and I flew right up in the air. It felt like I was going to blow up out of pain. It felt like forever staying in the air. Then, I finally landed. I heard a small earthquake from the landing. A few stones hit my head, but it almost didn't have an impact, considering the pain from the punch made me not feel anything else. I tried a while to open my eyes, and finally succeeded. I saw a blurry red figure moving towards me.

"Oh well, I guess I win. I thought that it would be at least a little challenge with battling you, but you where easier then I thought."

"N….no…" I finally got out. "No!"

"Huh? Oh no, I don't want to overkill you."

"You should stop being so cocky... and start battling!" I yelled.

I finally got up after a few tries, and recovered my balance. He laughed, and made his lasso dashing towards me. I took all the energy I got left, and slashed off the rope. He became furious, and ran towards me. While he was running, I continued to cut off more off the rope. When he was only a few meters away, I made my hand into a huge laser cannon, and blasted him. He dodged, but instead, it hit a cow. He got shocked, and stopped running to help the cow. I finally got my chance, shot him, and he blew up to pieces. He was done for by now, there was no chance for him to be alive. I went towards the body parts, and found his hat, that seemed to have survived the blast. I picked it up, and took it with me.

"Hey, Nitro!"

It was Sharp who was shouting.

"Good job, my friend. I feel bad about Bodacious. I mean, he seemed nice. Why did you kill him?"

I put on a serious face.

"I regonize that face. It was the same as your face when you where a demon. He was possessed."

"Woah", Sharp said. "How can you have that good of a memory?"

"Heh, I guess it's just luck that I remembered it in that moment." I chuckled.

"Yeah. Well, we better be going."




"Hmm?" The receptionist inspected the hat.

"Yes, that is Bodacious hat. What else can I do to prove it?" I said.

"No, that's not needed. Hang on, I'll check the members list. Hm…… Oh! Yes, Bodacious seems to be dead. Congratulations, you are officially ranked "Skilled"!

I smiled. Finally, I could take on even more powerful foes. This journey had finally started getting serious.




part one:
It had been about 2 weeks since I got out of the ICU at the hospitol, boy did Sebatian put a hurting on me. Thanks to some herbal cures the indians taught me I made a speedy recovery. I walked to the wRHG office to talk to Jibber Jabber to see who I had as my next opponent. It just so happened that Nitro stepped into the door as I was asking Jibber. "Well speak of the devil and the devil shall appear" he said looking at Nitro. I had a bit of a puzzled look. "Bodacious you will be fighting Nitro here. I was going to call him him to tell him to come up here for his next fight but looks like I get to kill 2 birds with one stone here." I extended a hand out and Nitro did the same and we shook hands. "Nice to meet ya man, can't wait to see what you can do." I said with a smile. "Likewise." he said with a straight face. "If I could make a small request, could we possibly fight in the woods outside of town? Its beautiful this time of year and we can make sure there aren't civilians hurt." I humbly asked. "Sure I don't mind, meet up tomorrow say around two pm?" he responded."Its a deal." I said with a smile.

I knew I just made the deal that won me the fight. Most of the others, aside from Sebastian, didn't know I could talk to animal. I knew from previous walks out that way there was a healthy population of some very vicious species of animals, anything from wolverines to wolves to even grizzely bears.

It was the next afternoon when Nitro finally arrived. I had told him to meet me in the clearing in the middle of the forrest. I was waiting on him on a branch about 50 foot off the ground. When I saw him I hollered out "Welcome to the jungle buddy, you gonna die!" He jumped out of his skin, appearantly he didn't see me at first and it looked like he nearly shit himself. I had to sit down I was laughing so hard, I yelled at him "I'm sorry dude the temptation was too much, I've always wanted to use that line." Once he realized my intent he did infact laugh. I hooked my lasso around the branch and lowered myself to the ground. I told Anies to remain limp like a normal rope, I had discovered her existance in the rope a few days before while doing some mental training before I could really move. after concentrating I heard a voice that said it was the spirit of the rope that allowed it to move and giving me a second pair of eyes but took cencentration to maintain the connection. I was saving this for an ace in the hole.

part 2:

"Well lets start shall we?" I asked with my usual smile. I wasn't sure what Nirto was cabable of so I decided to test him.

-I ran ahead and punched with with very little of my true power. He countered it with a duck and quick jab to the stomach.

I played possum to let him think he had to upper hand letting him hit me with a few punches.

-A quick jab to the kindey, a quick jab to the stomach, then a hard punch to chest all within a span of about 5 seconds.

I knew the longer this lasted the more in my favor it was. I was used to exerting myself for long periods of time and Nitro looked like he couldn't fight for too long at top strenght. But, he seemed to be holding back as well, maybe he had the same strategy.

I switched gears, he grabbed my arm to throw me at the trees. To his suprise I didn't budge. I felt him give it his all to try to snatch me forward, but I remained glue to my spot. I looked up so he could see under the brim of my hat to see my smile.

-I grabbed his shirt and hurled him iN the direction he tried to throw me. He smacked into a tree and fell to the ground.

I realized I just pissed him off. He came up and to my suprise he left hand looked like a ninja katana, the right looked like a shield. So thats his power he can make weapons out of his hands. thinking fast I let out a loud growl. This didn't phase Nitro as he began to run at me.

-Suddenly a wolf slammed into his side from a bush just behind him.

The growl was never meant to intimidate, I just called for backup. "Hope you like my friend there, he is the alpha of his pack." I said while Nitro looked in stunned silence. What he did next suprised me.

-He detached the shield and threw it at the wolf. it jumped but as he got airborn to dodge a bullet went through his skull.

Nitro had turned his hand into a pistol and shot the poor wolf. "Well I must say that is an unexpected suprise you can actually make guns I just figured you only make bladed weapons." "Thats just a start" he said with a straight face.

-I barely managed to get my hat off my head and in the path of the bullet as he fired off a shot aimed towards my shoulder.

-Several more rounds rang out as he put another five shots at me.

He looked confussed as the bullets just flattened into little metal pancakes as the hit my hat.
what looked like a nine millimeter pistol morphed into something with more stopping power, a 12 guage sega shotgun.

-A hundred slugs went down range as he let metal shower me. each round hitting my hat and flattening out on the brim or ricocheing off the crown in every direction.

I knew this wasn't good, the hat and my arm could handle the strain but if I managed to miss blocking one bullet and it would be bad. I sent a command to Anies to try a new move we came up with the day before. She wrapped around my waist and made a second loop on the knot end of the rope. She put the loops on the gound and pushed off hard sending me flying. It caught Nitro off guard, just long enough to get him to stop firing.

part 3:

-The loop to my right zipped down and caught his left hand, pulling me down to him. He turned his right hand into a long knife thrusting it at me to impale me as I sped toward him.

-I made the rope slam me to the ground feet first and and grab Nitro's other hand. He dodged it the first tow attempts while still fighting to free his other one, but caught it on the third try. I concentrated hard and dug my feet into the ground.

He reached into his bag of tricks he turned his left hand into a chainsaw attempting to saw the rope in half. I though fast remembering the weapons can come off.

-With a sharp snatch the chainsaw and knife went flying. I had the left loop grab the chainsaw. It grabbed the handle pressed the trigger wide open and whirled it at Nitro before he even had time to fall to the ground from the previous attack.

-It struck the side of his leg sawing off a hunk of his calf.

He screamed in pain as he grabbed his leg, his hands back to normal. He looked up at me with an expression that reminded me of the time of the time I slept with a married woman and she didn't tell me; the next day I woke up to some angry guy with a shotgun to my face. If looks could kill that one was a murderer. I let him take some cloth from his shirt and bandadge his leg to stop the bleeding. I may be a gladiator but I'm not heartless, it could have blead to the point of death.

I thought he would turn his hands into some sort of deathray to blow me away but he didn't. He was tired and slowing down. In a style resembling a bar fighter, he tried to just punch his way to a win. By this time I was using about half my strenght, more than enough to over power him in this exshausted state; easily blocking his punches. However, he wasn't done yet. He jumped back and grabbed the pistol with his left and the chainsaw with the right.

-Blazing away with the pistol, I lowered my hat to block the bullets. I looked up when the bullets stopped only to see him to swing down with the chainsaw redlined aimed at my head.

-I fell to the ground with him on top of me pressing the chainsaw close to my face. He caught his second wind and his adreanaline pumping came close to matching my full strenght. I was just able to keep him from pressing the chainsaw into my face, my consentrasion was on keeping the chain from going into my skull so the rope was out of the question. The spinning blade of death was just close enough to knick the hairs of my mustache. What happened next I chalk up to complete luck.

-The saw glancing my mustache made me sneeze, this had a two pronged affect. First the snot blinded Nirto, second it made him loose his consentrasion. I took the opening to roll out from under him.

-As I got up so did he while wiping the snot out of his eyes. It was time to end this before he ended me. We charged eachother and threw what we had left into one last punch.

-Our respective firsts hit their marks which happened to be the others face. He must have been on empty because his punch was no more than the punch of a kid, mine on the other hand sent him flying through the closest tree in his trojectory.

I walked over to Nitro. Poor guy was out cold. I had the lasso pick him gently, and started my way back to Stickpage City. I dropped Nitro off at the hospital and told the staff to put in on the wRHG account. I stopped by the next day to check on him. Other than sore as hell and some bumps and bruises he was going to be fine. I left him a bottle of moonshine to help kill the pain and left for the wRHG office to notify Jibber Jabber I won our fight.


Vote fairly! :D

EDIT: I vote for bodacious, because imo, his was just better :3

cowboy bodacious
11-16-2012, 02:13 PM
wow love the contrasting personalities

PizzaPie
11-16-2012, 02:20 PM
Wow. I reallly liked bodacious good job on this, but Sharp wins on this one. His was more enjoyable to read, he had better grammar, and his was just more creative. Good job Sharp!

Sharp
11-16-2012, 02:27 PM
Wow. I reallly liked bodacious good job on this, but Sharp wins on this one. His was more enjoyable to read, he had better grammar, and his was just more creative. Good job Sharp!

Thanks bro c:

cowboy bodacious
11-16-2012, 04:03 PM
Wow sharp, thanks. I will say though your grammer was better I need to get spell and grammer check downloaded.

SJCRPV
11-16-2012, 04:52 PM
Honestly, I think Bodacious won this one. His conversations and character reactions seemed more natural than Sharp's. While its true that Sharp had better grammar, Bodacious' mistakes, though I noticed them, didn't really bother me.

Also, this may be just me but Sharp's battle seemed to finish way to quickly ._.

Mr. Evil
11-17-2012, 02:52 AM
Voting for Sharp, I found his easier to understand, but Bodacious's was very interesting to read.

Good job to the both of you.

NrgFA
11-17-2012, 09:11 AM
I liked Sharp's one more.

Sharp
11-17-2012, 10:14 AM
I liked Sharp's one more.

Thanks! :D
It's a tie! :oo

cowboy bodacious
11-17-2012, 05:39 PM
and it looks like sharp has teken the lead

Crank
11-17-2012, 06:38 PM
Good job to both of you!

One thing did kinda hit me with both of you though. Each of you killed something off, but neither death had any effect on the characters. It honestly made it seem like it didn't matter, at all, which made your gladiators seem REALLY cold to me.

Death is serious, so you should try to have it make an impact in your stories, unless your characters actually are that cold, in which case disregard this.

cowboy bodacious
11-17-2012, 06:44 PM
well bodacious knew what he was getting the wolf into and they go through worse in the wild when rival packs collide he took a calculated risk knowing full well the wolf would probably die

-yuno-
11-17-2012, 09:11 PM
wow awesome! but voted for sharp. sorry

Sharp
11-18-2012, 06:13 AM
Good job to both of you!

One thing did kinda hit me with both of you though. Each of you killed something off, but neither death had any effect on the characters. It honestly made it seem like it didn't matter, at all, which made your gladiators seem REALLY cold to me.

Death is serious, so you should try to have it make an impact in your stories, unless your characters actually are that cold, in which case disregard this.

This is going to be something I'm gonna include in later stories too, but when death took Nitro's blood, he also changed him into a cold-blooded murderer.

cowboy bodacious
11-18-2012, 09:38 AM
well from the looks of it i will have to write bodacious back from the dead

Lobotomizer
11-20-2012, 09:58 AM
Bodacious you did request for critique from me, but it turns out that your mistakes aren't too different, I don't think.

Emotions emotions, descriptions. Did I mention emotions? Yes, everyone sounds dead. They may as well be moving puppets.

That is the general critique. Nitpicking is next.

The first paragraph already stopped me in my tracks. Little emotion, no description, no thinking, and the dialogue is scrunched into one paragraph.


I knew I just made the deal that won me the fight. Most of the others, aside from Sebastian, didn't know I could talk to animal. I knew from previous walks out that way there was a healthy population of some very vicious species of animals, anything from wolverines to wolves to even grizzely bears.

Animals. Grizzly. Please check your spelling, grammar.


I told Anies to remain limp like a normal rope, I had discovered her existance in the rope a few days before while doing some mental training before I could really move. after concentrating I heard a voice that said it was the spirit of the rope that allowed it to move and giving me a second pair of eyes but took cencentration to maintain the connection. I was saving this for an ace in the hole.


Dry. This entire explanation paragraph is dry. All you needed to state was that Anies was the spirit in your character's rope. Any more information that is not told in a tasteful manner would just put the reader off.



Well lets start shall we?" I asked with my usual smile. I wasn't sure what Nirto was cabable of so I decided to test him.

-I ran ahead and punched with with very little of my true power. He countered it with a duck and quick jab to the stomach.

I played possum to let him think he had to upper hand letting him hit me with a few punches.

-A quick jab to the kindey, a quick jab to the stomach, then a hard punch to chest all within a span of about 5 seconds.


Dry. And not just in terms of entertainment. Zero description, just took the hits as if a cockroach had blown at your face. I think I've reiterated this enough but, descriptions, please. Even punches hurt; please show that your character has pain receptors and is not a mannequin.


I switched gears, he grabbed my arm to throw me at the trees. To his suprise I didn't budge. I felt him give it his all to try to snatch me forward, but I remained glue to my spot. I looked up so he could see under the brim of my hat to see my smile.


I would like to stop for a moment to tell you that character strength has nothing to do with weight. Unless your character was nailed to the ground, which shouldn't be happening. Please do not deliberately boost a character's mass. It is cheating. Nitro's disbelief and Bodacious's smugness is not created well either. In other words, equally emotionless.



-I grabbed his shirt and hurled him iN the direction he tried to throw me. He smacked into a tree and fell to the ground.

Just...smacked into the tree? No cry or gasp of pain?

"And, he would know the other person intended to throw him at the trees how?
He also magically sensed the other's surprise
Seeing as he seemed to notice no other signs of such, save purely that" -Reaction from another reader.

^Where description comes in handy. Please learn to describe.


This didn't phase Nitro as he began to run at me.

Phase

Phase

Phase

phase/fāz/
Noun:
A distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something's development.
Verb:
Carry out (something) in gradual stages.
Synonyms:
stage - period

Did you mean: "Faze"? Please tell me you did.


I realized I just pissed him off. He came up and to my suprise he left hand looked like a ninja katana, the right looked like a shield. So thats his power he can make weapons out of his hands.

No element of surprise there. Because you didn't describe. "looked like"? At least put more effort into describing it. Is it because it's long? That's why it looked like a katana? Thin? What about the shield? Discus shaped? Dome shaped? It could look like a plate depending on how perceptive (or mentally insane) your character is. You can even have him mistake the weapon for something else. At least...do something!


-Suddenly a wolf slammed into his side from a bush just behind him.


And my nose grew strawberries the size of a paper towel. Sarcasm aside, that was too sudden. Yes I know it's a sudden event, but really? No rustling of the bushes to hint the presence of said wolf? How did it even get there so fast? It must've been watching. A peeping tom. Wolf. I'll call the wolf Tom from now on. I also see that the wolf came from behind to hit Nitro's...side? Playing with portals I see. Please don't do that. Children will get hurt.

Oh. Please give me a moment, I'm afraid my sarcasm levels have grown a little to high. No that was not in sarcasm. Please wait warmly while I start up SugarSugarHoney 3.01....

__________________________________________________ ___

Hello! I'm your friendly neighbourhood critic, ready to give some criticism that is sure to make your pants roll! Let's get started...



The growl was never meant to intimidate, I just called for backup. "Hope you like my friend there, he is the alpha of his pack." I said while Nitro looked in stunned silence. What he did next suprised me.

Descriptions, descriptions. Oh my, lacking descriptions!

Nitro should have his bum bruised by now, so why no response? Surely Tom must have sunk a few of its teeth in his juicy flesh! A mannequin I say, everyone is a mannequin! Surely Bodacious should be smug by now. What's this? No description either! Not a wise thing to do so, don't you think? Nu-uh, not at all!


-He detached the shield and threw it at the wolf. it jumped but as he got airborn to dodge a bullet went through his skull.


And... No description :D No poor yelp of pain? Airborne is also spelled wrong in case you were wondering! Detaching the shield and throwing it? Is that all you can do? Surely not. Toss it like a discus!

Actually, the wolf slammed into him, and he threw the discus at wolf...? How far did the wolf go in its leap, exactly? I was assured that noone used noclip! Bluntly speaking, The wolf is in front of him. Why would you use a projectile something so close? Not a wise move, dear!


-A hundred slugs went down range as he let metal shower me. each round hitting my hat and flattening out on the brim or ricocheing off the crown in every direction.

This is a gentle reminder from the Hats n' All Fashions department here to tell you that your hat does not reach your body length and thus is unable to protect you for a shower of bullets.


She put the loops on the gound and pushed off hard sending me flying. It caught Nitro off guard, just long enough to get him to stop firing.

This is a gentle reminder from the Hooke's Spring Elasticity division that ropes are not springs. Nor are ropes stiff enough to provide the contact for to support even the tiniest jump. Thank you.

__________________________________________________ _______________________

*Cough cough*

Alright. Anymore critique may as well be worthless. I've said whatever I wanted to say. You lack description, your scenes are impossible. The story lacks any form of thought and emotion. Everyone is a mannequin with little to no pain receptors. Please read your story again and tell me if you are truly proud of this. If you are, I have nothing else to say, but please don't ask me to critique again. Thank you in advance.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility in any mocking, sarcasm or otherwise in the critique that may instill the idea in others that I may be an asshole.

Sharp
11-20-2012, 11:27 AM
Bodacious you did request for critique from me, but it turns out that your mistakes aren't too different, I don't think.

Emotions emotions, descriptions. Did I mention emotions? Yes, everyone sounds dead. They may as well be moving puppets.

That is the general critique. Nitpicking is next.

The first paragraph already stopped me in my tracks. Little emotion, no description, no thinking, and the dialogue is scrunched into one paragraph.



Animals. Grizzly. Please check your spelling, grammar.



Dry. This entire explanation paragraph is dry. All you needed to state was that Anies was the spirit in your character's rope. Any more information that is not told in a tasteful manner would just put the reader off.




Dry. And not just in terms of entertainment. Zero description, just took the hits as if a cockroach had blown at your face. I think I've reiterated this enough but, descriptions, please. Even punches hurt; please show that your character has pain receptors and is not a mannequin.



I would like to stop for a moment to tell you that character strength has nothing to do with weight. Unless your character was nailed to the ground, which shouldn't be happening. Please do not deliberately boost a character's mass. It is cheating. Nitro's disbelief and Bodacious's smugness is not created well either. In other words, equally emotionless.



Just...smacked into the tree? No cry or gasp of pain?

"And, he would know the other person intended to throw him at the trees how?
He also magically sensed the other's surprise
Seeing as he seemed to notice no other signs of such, save purely that" -Reaction from another reader.

^Where description comes in handy. Please learn to describe.



Phase

Phase

Phase

phase/fāz/
Noun:
A distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something's development.
Verb:
Carry out (something) in gradual stages.
Synonyms:
stage - period

Did you mean: "Faze"? Please tell me you did.



No element of surprise there. Because you didn't describe. "looked like"? At least put more effort into describing it. Is it because it's long? That's why it looked like a katana? Thin? What about the shield? Discus shaped? Dome shaped? It could look like a plate depending on how perceptive (or mentally insane) your character is. You can even have him mistake the weapon for something else. At least...do something!



And my nose grew strawberries the size of a paper towel. Sarcasm aside, that was too sudden. Yes I know it's a sudden event, but really? No rustling of the bushes to hint the presence of said wolf? How did it even get there so fast? It must've been watching. A peeping tom. Wolf. I'll call the wolf Tom from now on. I also see that the wolf came from behind to hit Nitro's...side? Playing with portals I see. Please don't do that. Children will get hurt.

Oh. Please give me a moment, I'm afraid my sarcasm levels have grown a little to high. No that was not in sarcasm. Please wait warmly while I start up SugarSugarHoney 3.01....

__________________________________________________ ___

Hello! I'm your friendly neighbourhood critic, ready to give some criticism that is sure to make your pants roll! Let's get started...



Descriptions, descriptions. Oh my, lacking descriptions!

Nitro should have his bum bruised by now, so why no response? Surely Tom must have sunk a few of its teeth in his juicy flesh! A mannequin I say, everyone is a mannequin! Surely Bodacious should be smug by now. What's this? No description either! Not a wise thing to do so, don't you think? Nu-uh, not at all!



And... No description :D No poor yelp of pain? Airborne is also spelled wrong in case you were wondering! Detaching the shield and throwing it? Is that all you can do? Surely not. Toss it like a discus!

Actually, the wolf slammed into him, and he threw the discus at wolf...? How far did the wolf go in its leap, exactly? I was assured that noone used noclip! Bluntly speaking, The wolf is in front of him. Why would you use a projectile something so close? Not a wise move, dear!



This is a gentle reminder from the Hats n' All Fashions department here to tell you that your hat does not reach your body length and thus is unable to protect you for a shower of bullets.



This is a gentle reminder from the Hooke's Spring Elasticity division that ropes are not springs. Nor are ropes stiff enough to provide the contact for to support even the tiniest jump. Thank you.

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*Cough cough*

Alright. Anymore critique may as well be worthless. I've said whatever I wanted to say. You lack description, your scenes are impossible. The story lacks any form of thought and emotion. Everyone is a mannequin with little to no pain receptors. Please read your story again and tell me if you are truly proud of this. If you are, I have nothing else to say, but please don't ask me to critique again. Thank you in advance.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility in any mocking, sarcasm or otherwise in the critique that may instill the idea in others that I may be an asshole.

o.o
That CnC...
I'll take those things in mind too, thanks :3