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View Full Version : Jacob Red (Sadko) VS Mirko S. Kaylen (Lethal2)



Sadko
12-19-2012, 10:32 AM
Ok we did this battle and im pretty proud of mine. :D

Jacob: Extremely trained soldier who is highly resistant towards radioactivity

Mirko S. Kaylen: A boy who can shoot energy and his weakness is plants and water.

My version: Today morning I decided to check the wRHG building, as I emerged i saw a table with some
sort of instruction labeled on it. As I read through it a very slender and gentle man approached
waving lazily, -"Ah, You must be Jacob, good to see you." He greeted. "Well, you are Battling
Mirko S. Kaylen, Here is the information," He said while pointing onto the small sheet of paper
on the tall wooden table. I kept quiet while reading. After a few moments I was already on my
way. And half an hour later instead of a big metropolis I was already on the city's outskirts,
I could see a figure standing somewhere on the plains patiently waiting till I approach.


But right when I was 15 meters away from him he fired something blue at me violently.
A sudden blue light bursted at me ferociously, stabbing my vision with shiny particles, the
next few moments I could only see white, my vision was blurry and I could only see small
parts of reality as my eyes exhaustedly tried to focus. Now I saw a little bit better, I could see
him approaching me slowly, shaking off the dust from an explosion he made. Just as
I could aim accurately I fired in his knee cap which was followed by his groan. The accurate
shot I did gave me some time to stand up and strike him to the ground, which I certainly did
successfuly. I got him on the ground, but he grabbed my arm violently, not letting go he was
pushing very hard on it, then he did a forceful kick to my kidneys which led me flying in the
air.

As I hit the ground he ran at me angrily, with no time to lose I jumped to my feet and dodged
his first attack. Then I could see a cozy little house in the distance with a big garden close to it,
and he was getting ready to try another attack, I took a flash grenade out of my pocket and
threw it on the ground close to me, he didnt notice that, he approached roaring angrily,
I dodged again and the grenade exploded. I ran as fast as i could towards to garden,
he was feeling dizzy from the flash grenade so he did not realize I was leading him directly
towards the garden. And now, we were only 3 meters away from the garden. He already
could see clearly but he couldnt stop running, as I pushed the door open he slid into the
garden, falling right into the plants. "Wooh!" I said with a big relief. But the plants
couldnt hold him for long. I grabbed an empty bucket and started filling it up with water, then
I splashed it at him, which made his moans even worse.

He still somehow got up, and charged at me very shakily, I dodged and got behind him, did
a quick jab at a special point in his left hand which completely paralyzed the limb, then he
pathetically tried to charge another punch now with a right hand, I did the same, he
completely couldnt do anything to me. He was very mad, he fell on his feet, still
struggling to strike me, but failing every time. i decided to do a final quick jab at a special point
in his torso, completely making he pass out. The poor kid was traumatized, exhausted, and
paralyzed. After 15 minutes of breathing I picked Mirko up and took him to the nearest
hospital, I walked into a room, and left him lying on the matress, the doctor said he will
be alright.

After taking Mirko to the hospital I headed over to the wRHG building, opening its doors and
walking towards the table once again. The gentle man ran up to me happily and exclaimed
"Congratulations! You have achieved your first win!" Still, I felt very bad for the kid.


And now his version: After I woke up, I opened the window to smell the refreshing air, the cool breeze just goes inside my nose, I felt like I'm in Heaven, after I smelled the freshness, I just goes downstairs to make a cup of coffee which I always do everytime I wake up, I realized that I forgot to buy a coffee on the store, I just went back upstairs and changed my outfit, and suddenly it rained, I was mad that it rained, so instead I just brought my umbrella as I walk on the street, while I was walking some person just threw a rock on my head, It was hard to see everywhere since it's raining so hard, I realized that my head is bleeding, then someone just threw a pencil at my back, I was trying to calm myself from being too angry. Then someone just threw me a pencil again, I suddenly looked at my back then run on the kid that tries to throw things at me. Someone just held my back trying to pull me away from the kid, peoples were calling the cops, I suddenly elbow'ed the man trying to pull me and then I ran away from it, then I suddenly slipped and hit my face to a rock, I felt sleepy as I was going to die, seconds and seconds someone's trying to pull me up, I heard sirens everywhere, it was very noisy, I can't even remember anything... It's like the world's going to explode, I just went sleep to rest myself, and still I feel the blood... flowing... on... my... nose....



I woke up in a hospital, I saw someone sitting near me, I don't even know who he is. But it was the one that kidnapped me from a hospital who put lightning powers through me, I was shocked, he told me that he came to remove my powers, I told him don't remove it, he stood right up to me and slapped me as I was going to move my hands near the chair, He slapped me a lot of times, and I was raging, But I can't even unleash a lightning bolt since he is controlling my powers. "Come on, don't be so stupid, I'm the inventor of this lightning powers... You know?" He said while laughing a bit, I was raging so hard, but I realized someone was looking at the window trying to middle finger me, my rage level was rising until my eyes was burning, the inventor kept jerking about me, I was about to explode, but he slapped me one more time, then my true eye ability just goes inside my eye, lightnings were popping around my body, I was focusing very hard, the whole hospital was shaking, now it's finally here, time to kill the inventor. "Haaaaaaaaaa!!" I yelled then I spit on the inventor's face, he was mad at me, just like me. I was looking at his face, how bad is that face? Now I punched him in the chest, he flew and crushed his back on a nail, he died as fast as possible, bloods were spilling from his body, then I realized that a man was middle fingering me last time, so I unleashed my lightning powers to break the glasses of the window into bits, I saw a soldier infront of me, "Bitch, how you doin'?" He told me, I told him on what's wrong with him, I told him don't tease me or make me mad, he unleashed his M4A1 weapon and pointed at my forehead, his mouth has a cigarette, he told me to raise my hands in the air, "How's my gun little prick?" He told me, I told him what's his name so I can point out if I know him, he told me he's Jacob Red, and he added some inappropriate words "Jacob Red, Mr. Bitch" I laughed at him then I punched him in the face, he flew away then fell on a land, he shoot me some bullets around my body, I kept running as fast as I can to avoid him from hurting me, then he got his dual bazooka, I was shocked how he did that, he shot 2 big rockets behind me, the one missed me and exploded on the hospital that I was with minutes ago, then the other rocket flew and exploded at a plain land, I laughed then I charged some lightning bolt but I realized that I can only use the ability when it is stormy, "Oh crap" I told myself. Now I don't know what to do, I just need to run and try to get near to him as much as possible, I charged my body and try to defend those bullets, but one of the bullets just shot me at my left palm hand, "Wahaha, I did my nice shot! Prove it you have powers" He told me sarcastically.


Then I charged my body again as fast as possible, I then focused hard, he was staring at me while having a creepy smile. After I charged up my body I hopped about 20 ft tall, it was high, he tried to shoot bullets at me as much as possible, I landed on his face, "Hey what the fu--" I slapped his face while he was talking, I got his M4AI on his pocked at pointed it on his face. "Oh no no no don't do that to your little boy." He told me, I don't think if he is drunk or whatever, I shot him on the face but there was no any ammo. "Oh yeah, that's my boy!" He told me while he was spitting at my face, I was raging at him, I punched his face 2 times, he was spitting blood at the land then he tried to shoot me at my dick I flew away before he can ever shoot me, "Fu*k yeah! I think I won!" He yelled I looked back and realized he middle fingered me again, I landed on his stomach, he vomitted bloods then he can't breath, the land turned into flat and he can't even stand. "Now avoid saying anything that is not suitable for your damn mouth, understand?" I yelled at his face. "No... Haha, don't even try to judge me, I'm stronger than you, check my dick bully haha" He replied to me, I spit on his face then I stood up and then I confiscated his guns. "Hey you retard, come and follow me on a party haha, you little prick" He kept talking while I was walking as far as I can, "HEY you! Follow me at a party you shiver'!" He yelled, I kept ignoring what he always says.


After I walked far far away, I realized that I won that useless battle, it was a very good battle, I think... as this was my first battle, my true eye went away, and realized that I forgot to help Jacob stand, I ran away then I saw him dead, I walked much near to him, "I'm sorry, I was at true eye that time we battled, it was a good battle... really" I told him while whispering, "Oh... Don't worry, it was... fun, yeah... can't breath a little, can you help me?" He asked me, "Yes sure..." I replied to him very clearly, I helped him stand then he put his hand behind me and I also put my hands behind him, we walked away on a very good day... it was... indeed...

MrLethal2
12-19-2012, 11:09 PM
Hmm, good story you got there xD I think I lose... I think xD

Yeah good luck for our first wRHG fight xD


EDIT:

This is Lethal2 :P, Anyway I was banned on that account, I only made this for commenting, not for having fun around so thanks :3

Sadko
12-20-2012, 10:50 AM
OH MY GOD STONE VOTED FOR ME!!!!! :D

Crank
12-22-2012, 01:15 PM
I haven't gotten around to reading them quite yet, but just for the record...it's one thing to vote for yourself if both of you are going to do it...but...you shouldn't vote for yourself twice in the same battle.

EDIT:
Alright, story comment time!

Good first battle! You clearly knew what you wanted to do and had a plan to get there! That said, I've got some general tips to help strengthen your story.

The first thing you need to know about writing a story is knowing how crucial the intro is. Now, maybe you can get away with a really short one, but the longer they get, the more likely the first few sentences are to decide whether or not it's getting read. They can set the mood, setting, and establish the characters, but again, the most important thing about them is that they should spark interest.

"Today morning I decided to check the wRHG building, as I emerged i saw a table with some
sort of instruction labeled on it."

It set the setting, but for the most part it's pretty bland. To begin with, it'd either be just 'Today' or 'This morning' and you've got to make sure all of your 'I's are capitalized. Both of these things are really easy fixes if you proofread, so I strongly recommend going over it once or twice after you finish it. Grammar aside, small details go a really long way, in general, but especially when you open up. Maybe even get into your character's head and explain why he's checking today of all days.

"I don't expect much when I wake up in the early morning, but when a cloudy, dreary sky greeted me as I ripped my curtain over to the side, it wasn't even within arms length of my low standards. Sighing heavily, I could easily tell that I'd spend the day bored with nothing to do, so rather than playing Solitaire for hour on end, I heaved my armor over my shoulders and departed my home, clanking over to the ominous RHG building. Oddly enough, a sloppy cluster of paper was already awaiting me as I pushed through the grey double doors of the corporation."

Another thing to work on is transitioning from one thing to another. I'm not saying you need to ease into everything, but make sure you don't chuck your readers into anything. It's fine for somethings to be sudden, but just make sure you don't cross any lines. Again, a few details could slow it down to the point we'd be able to keep up.

"And half an hour later instead of a big metropolis I was already on the city's outskirts,
I could see a figure standing somewhere on the plains patiently waiting till I approach.


But right when I was 15 meters away from him he fired something blue at me violently."

"It took me half an hour, but I was eventually able to trade the excessive buildings of the metropolis I was leaving behind for the open plains just outside of them. Maybe I would've been proud of my journey, but a lone figure, likely my opponent, caught my eye. As I continued approaching him, I soon discovered just how right I was.

The very second I was within 15 meters of the man, his arm suddenly jerked forward and a glowing blue orb blasted out of his palm, rushing straight at my skull."

Finally, battling the opening in a neck and neck heat, the ending is the most important part of the story. Make sure to leave your reader thinking about it. Make it memorable, so end it strongly with strong words.

"Still, I felt very bad for the kid."

"I tried to return the man's enthusiasm with a faint smile of my own, but...it just felt twisted to be congratulated for sending a boy to the hospital. Slowly, my eyes traveled between the double door at the entrance and the man staring me in the face. Maybe he was a just a man on the outside, but if he was really that happy about what I had done...he was nothing but a monster. Maybe we both were..."

Finally, just one last thing to keep in mind, especially for first person. Whatever's going on, you'll have an emotional response to. Disbelief, anger, sadness, regret, relief, but something. Including these every now and then can really beef up your story!

Again though, it was a really good first fight! Nice job!


Lethal2, I'll give you one too, but honestly...I should've gone to bed about an hour and a half ago.
Screw work! Backwards priorities for the win!

EDIT II:

Again, a good first battle, but it could use some work. First off, the opening paragraph's kinda hard to get through just because of how random it seems. Lots of 'what' and 'why's were asked in my head. For example, I have absolutely no idea why someone's throwing rocks and pencils at your guy's head. Maybe in an animation you could get away with it and have it be funny, but not so much in this. This also begs the question about why he's worried about the police coming, considering he's the one being attacked. I'm sorry, but the whole scene seemed forced. If you want to end up in the hospital, there are better ways to send your character there. Car accident comes to mind.

As far as the next paragraph goes, personally, I'm not a big fan of killing off your main antagonist right off the bat. The whole thing was too fast to visualize, and honestly, dying on a nail didn't help that. If you hammer a nail into a wall, you've got the sharp part inside and the blunt part sticking out. Also, even if it's in a little bit out of the wall, I don't think it'd be long enough to get someone to where it'll kill them as fast as possible, if it goes through their back anyway. I'm not saying everything should work how it would in real life, just enough so that it makes sense.

I don't really know what you were planning with Jacob, but I'm positive you got his personality wrong.
Very calm
Just having him cuss your guy out and flip him off might've made him look like a villain, but it also got somewhat irritating to read after the fifth straight time. Originally, I thought that he was a guard of the inventor, but rereading it, it seemed more like he was just some guy. If he was a guard, you've got to make sure that we know, and if he's just some guy, you need some kind of reason for the fight.
Beyond flipping your guy off, which again, seemed to be without reason. Honestly, you could've easily had it been about him witnessing a murder and going from there. If you want your characters to come alive for your readers, they need to be effected by their surroundings and act in ways we can relate too or understand.

As far as the ending goes, you really don't need to explain that he won a battle, we can tell. What I can't tell, is why he regrets it, all things considered. Honestly, if someone pointed a gun at my head and I was somehow able to drop him, I wouldn't be remorseful as I walked away. I'd have my head held high, and I wouldn't be thinking of how useless of a battle it was. It was a fight for my life. Which made it anything but.

Honestly, the biggest thing you need to work on is having a logical flow. It really helps if you think 'what would I do if this happened' every now and then. Put yourself in the position of various characters and think the same thought and your story's going to suddenly get much more realistic. Once you get that foundation, you can get more into the other things like adding emotion and sensory details. Just go step by step so you don't get overloaded.