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View Full Version : Junmax (bladed fire) V.S Jackel, Hyde, and Peace (kingkickass2013)



kingkickass2013
02-18-2013, 11:05 PM
3rd times the charm when it comes to making this battle?



(wandering through a large forest is where they meet Junmax along the dust trail) "Hello my name is Peace and these two are my brothers, their names are Jackel and Hyde, what is your name kind stranger?" "My name is Junmax, you have got a good team, now why don't you and your two pets move aside." "ARE YOU WANTING A FIGHT" yelled Jackel, "I don't know kitty cat, you going to stop crawling and maybe stand up straight?" "Oh I'm gonna enjoy killing you."

Jackel sprinted towards Junmax but he had the fire element ready and burned the side of Jackels face, Hyde and Peace were in no hesitation to help their brother, Peace ordered Hyde the pick up a tree and throw it at Junmax while he fired ice bolts at him. The tree that was thrown and hit the ground causing a massive shock wave, but Junmax quickly dodged the attack and threw a flame at Hyde, luckily it didn't hit his eyes. Jackel is extremely weakened by the fire that burned the side of his face and found a place to hide while he heals.

"One down, two to go", "Oh don't worry we will not lose", Peace quickly blasts a bolt of lightning at Junmax, the bolt of lightning crackled as it went through the air and hit directly at Junmax's leg. He went was in shock for a couple seconds allowing Hyde to create 3 minions and charge a laser beam towards Junmax, but the second he had fired the laser beam Junmax had moved to the side dodging it completely, the 3 minions went straight to him, ready to chop his limbs off. But Junmax blasted all three of them with a wind gust, effectively killing them.

Peace casted his healing spell, healing both Jackel and Hydes wounds, "ALRIGHT TIME TO END THIS", Jackel casted the darkness spell, darkening the whole area. Junmax conjured up a fire with his hands giving him a small amount of light, it was small but it was enough to see what was happening, Jackel jumped out from behind the bushes and slashed the side of Junmax's face "seems familiar doesn't it Junmax" "completely and entirely you little hell spawn", Peace fired ice bolts at Junmax but the darkness spell wore off and Junmax saw the ice bolts and jumped behind the tree Hyde had thrown.

Acting without thinking, Hyde charged towards the tree he had thrown, picked it up and attempted to bash Junmax with it as if it was a club "PUNY MAN, DIIEE!" "oh looks like the dumb ass finally spoke", immediately after saying that Hyde picked up Junmax by the chest, Roared in his face, and threw him against a large tree, "oh god what the hell happened" "you were thrown against a tree by Hyde and completely lost this battle" "say what you will, i am not finished yet".

Junmax threw 5 flames at Hyde's arm, the very skin on his left arm melted and afterwards junmax fired a large wind blast at Jackel, knocking him far back the trail. "well looks like Hyde needs to heal and Jackel needs to do some running, its just your and me Peace" "I can see that, prepare yourself for this will not end well", Peace stood up, opened his eyes, and took a fighting stance. "HA watch this", Junmax casted earth cuffs sealing Peace's legs to the ground, but Peace broke the cuffs and sprinted towards Junmax, quickly laying punches at his face and did a round house kick, knocking him down. "for a guy who sits down all day, you sure have a lot of strength", Junmax pulled out a sword and attempted to stab Peace in the back, but it failed and Peace jumped up and kicked Junmax in the face, he dropped his sword allowing Peace to pick it up and point it directly at him. "Game over Junmax, we won" "um dont you mean you won?" "Yes and no, now get up and call it truce between us before i stab you" "will do" "good i do believe we shall meet again, i will tell the other two what happened O.K" "O.K"




It’s Spring. Everything still got covered in thick-white snow. I heard birds chirping outside my comfortable home. I just woke up. It’s cold that makes me slept for a few days. Don’t think I’m a bear… I can eat bear for breakfast.

I changed my clothes and began to online. The computer screen suddenly disappeared! I really want to say bad words to the computer. This is been annoying me for a few days before I start my world-record sleep.

I am forced to go out and walk for a while. I walked for a moment and … heard footsteps of the others. Wait, these footsteps are irregular. One of the footsteps is fast and agile, while one is laidback and have a noisy sound. Giant. While another is a normal human.

I began to follow the footsteps, and found them. Oh, one is so ugly, dark red with ugly rotten claws and teeth. The another is worse, a blue coloured giant with stupidness and always open his mouth, letting dusts to go in it.

The normal one is the light-blue round headed guy. He is normal, compared with the two ugly creatures. He looked at me. I waved to him as he looked. He came, with the two things. ”Hey guy, are you a monk?” I asked.

“Not anymore, I am in the adventure with them to fight back Zarcius, who ruined our lives.” he said. He introduced himself and the others. Jackel, Hyde and Peace. What an ugly trio name… I acted like it was an epic name although it’s different from my thoughts.
“Never regret from making these creatures as friends? They looked ugly” I asked. “Never say them ugly, they are very helpful to me, but I think because you just met them, you can’t stand to that yet.” answered Peace.

“Hey guys, wanna fight? I think you all looked so aggressive” I asked. “Really want to fight? You want me to rip your ass apart???” said Jackel. “Well, I can bake you into a nice-baked chicken,” “Don’t ever say me chicken, you sucker! Scared of my claws? Run like a wimp! Faster!” ”Don’t even think of me running, so I will fight now… Prepare my heatness, you all are going to be roasted chicken…” “Calm down! Hey, why fight for this reason?” said Peace. “No, I accepted his fight, now you all shall figh with me…” I said, furiously, igniting fire on both of my hand.

I threw the burning fire to Jackel and Hyde. Jackel dodged, while Hyde have been burned for being dumb. Jackel tried to leap on me, but I kicked his head and give him a turning-tornado kick which send him flying. Hyde begin to shoot laser at me, but I teleported to his back and give him a hard shove.

“How dare you hurt my friends, now you forced me to fight with you!” shouted Peace. He began to fight with me. Wow, he is a martial artist too, but with my elementals enhanced my kicking powers, I hurt him.

Jackel, from the far ran towards me and leaped at me, and began to growl. I teleported, which makes him touch on thin air. I summon out my badminton racket, and begin to shoot elemental shuttlecocks to them.

Peace dodged smoothly, while Hyde had been injured badly. Peace began to meditate, and he heals jackel and Hyde. What a cheat. I pulled out my sword from the badminton racket, and began to slash Jackel that leaps to me again.

He dodged my sword, and slash my legs. I ignore the pain, and concentrate wind on my legs, and I flied, leaving the pressured wind knock back Jackel. As I begin to drop, I concentrate earth on my hand, and landed with an earthquake.

This makes them to be stunned by the large quake, except Hyde. He began to spawn red little things, that I kicked them lightly and they flied towards the sky. I concentrate wind on my legs, and shoot towards Hyde with fire concentrating on my hand, and swing the fire to his head.

He stopped his movement, and I saw that he is regenerating. Peace start to shoot ice spikes to me, but I melt them with fire. Jackel, that is stunned hardly, quickly cast a spell where everything is dark. Good job. I ignite both my hands and legs in fire, which lights up everything.

I shoot the fire arrows to Jackel, which he dodged. He began to hide. Hyde shoot a laser beam to me, while Peace started to approach me and attacked me. I dodged Hyde’s laser beam and began to fight with Peace.

His punches are fast, but never ever been faster than my legs. I kicked his neck, and Jackel leaps to me. I jumped and axe kick his hands, making him to unable to fight with one of his hands. Hyde comes slowly, and swing his fist towards me.
I concentrate earth on my hand, and punched his fist. He fall back, and I jump to his head, give a barrage of kicks to his forehead. After I landed, Peace was in meditation, healing Jackel.

I concentrate wind on my legs, and shoot at Peace.
I concentrate fire on my legs, and kick the Peace’s force field. Peace has been stunned by that attack. Jackel, which is wounded badly leaped sideways, but when he leaped to me at the left side, I gave him a hard earth-enhanced punch, which give him a fatal damage. The darkness vanished.
Hyde have no choice but to battle, he stomped the ground, shaking the earth that stunned me. After I recovered, Peace came and start to give me quick punches. I charge wind on my hand, while dodging his punches and shoot him.

He flied far. What a nice distance. Hyde was angry. He slam both of his hand on the ground and quake the earth again. I concentrate wind on my leg and shoot at Hyde, giving him a hard earth-enhanced kick on his neck.

“You all should work together,” I said. “Yeah, work together, how I forget this?” said Peace, while running back to the fighting area. Jackel is back to conscious, and Hyde , raged is also dumbly come towards me. Jackel leaped to Hyde’s hand, and Hyde spin his body and throw Jackel to me and shoot laser beam towards me, too. Peace began to running, and jumped in the air, preparing a rocket kick towards me.

The attacks occur in the same time. I have no time to block all. I need a plan, fast. I concentrate Earth, Fire and Wind in both my hands. Whoa. They combined into a volcanic stone with winds surrounded. I shoot both stones towards them. Shocked, they are unable to dodge. They prepare to feel the pain.

I melted the projectiles I shoot. They slowly open their eyes as they feel nothing. “Well, this is just because you all are scared, so I forgive you all,” I said. “Thanks! Can we become friends?” said Peace. “Ok… it’s a good fight for us, I become stronger thanks to you all,” “No problem, although we are trio, we still lose to the lone you. We shall practice more about teamwork now,” “Ok… I got to go, forgot that I have to go to the computer store to ask the mechanice to help me with my computer,” “What’s wrong with your computer?” “It EXPLODED! LOL. Why your computer… Wait, what’s computer?”said Jackel. Peace said:”It’s a modern thing that you wouldn’t know,”

“Lol, what a funny team, well goodbye, we will meet again!” I said while running towards the city. “Goodbye, we will meet again. We will,” said Peace.

Azxc
02-19-2013, 01:44 AM
BladedFire's one is slightly longer than kingkickass one
Also the fighting scenes are more detailed in BladedFire's one
So I voted him

P.S. are you guys redoing the poll...?

kingkickass2013
02-19-2013, 03:18 PM
All I gotta say is I hope for a rematch someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

Bladed Fire
02-20-2013, 05:00 AM
Ok, a rematch. Lol, I like wRHG battles. Type something a bit more and a lot of votes come. Kingkickass, remember to add description to all the things and remember to make it interesting about the battle.

Crank
02-20-2013, 02:03 PM
This is just a general thing to both of you, but as far as plot and dialogue (hate that I need a dictionary to spell that word) go, you're both really unrealistic. Taking into account the abilities too.

Here's the thing, while some people can pull off that sort of thing, most of us can't. You've got to be mildly realistic if you want your readers to connect with your characters, and to do that, they actually need to be relatable. Something that I personally do when I write, is I plug myself into the characters a few degrees.

Additionally, don't rush your endings, give your readers a resolution that'll stick with them. I'm not saying that they can't be friends at the end, but try to keep a natural pace. If someone slices me open or sets me on fire, I for one wouldn't be their biggest fan for quite some time. You may want to consider starting with something smaller that just suddenly full blown friends.




Junmax threw 5 flames at Hyde's arm, the very skin on his left arm melted and afterwards junmax fired a large wind blast at Jackel, knocking him far back the trail. "well looks like Hyde needs to heal and Jackel needs to do some running, its just your and me Peace" "I can see that, prepare yourself for this will not end well", Peace stood up, opened his eyes, and took a fighting stance. "HA watch this", Junmax casted earth cuffs sealing Peace's legs to the ground, but Peace broke the cuffs and sprinted towards Junmax, quickly laying punches at his face and did a round house kick, knocking him down. "for a guy who sits down all day, you sure have a lot of strength", Junmax pulled out a sword and attempted to stab Peace in the back, but it failed and Peace jumped up and kicked Junmax in the face, he dropped his sword allowing Peace to pick it up and point it directly at him. "Game over Junmax, we won" "um dont you mean you won?" "Yes and no, now get up and call it truce between us before i stab you" "will do" "good i do believe we shall meet again, i will tell the other two what happened O.K" "O.K"




I'll leave all the actions how they are, and just change the talking. You said he hates violence, is kind and is always serious. Junmax is said to be calm, and fails to be funny. You've got to think about the characters who deliver every line. Actions speak louder than words, but words have volume too.



Junmax threw 5 flames at Hyde's arm, the very skin on his left arm melted and afterwards junmax fired a large wind blast at Jackel, knocking him far back the trail.

[Alright, what can I toy with here? Hyde's a giant, and Junmax likes irritating nicknames. The Jolly Blue Giant? Maybe, but I'd like to tie in fire too, if I can. Eh, screw it, Hyde's supposed to be pretty happy too. I'll go with it. What about Jackel though? I don't know any default cat names... at least I can be condescending.]
"Well," Junmax chuckled casually, looking over his shoulder to Peace as Jackel smacked into the dirt, far off in the distance, "Looks like your creepy-crawly's out of bounds, and the Jolly Blue Giant's smoked! It's just you and me now, huh?"

[How the heck am I going to come off as smart for Peace? I could make him sound sophisticated and use fancier words. That might do it.]
"So it is." Peace stood up, opened his eyes, and took a fighting stance. "Brace yourself, for I shall not fall to you."

[If I was Junmax, I'd mock him. I just dropped his team, and now it's finally one on one. I've got this.]
"Heh, well you can kneel if you like!" Junmax casted earth cuffs sealing Peace's legs to the ground, but Peace broke the cuffs and sprinted towards Junmax, quickly laying punches at his face and did a round house kick, knocking him down.

[Crap! I didn't have this! This sucks!]
"Ya know," The badminton player groaned, slowly forcing himself to his feet as he padded his bleeding forehead, "You're actually pretty strong for a guy who doesn't move all day."
Junmax pulled out a sword and attempted to stab Peace in the back, but it failed and Peace jumped up and kicked Junmax in the face, he dropped his sword allowing Peace to pick it up and point it directly at him.

[Alright, these guys have a team mentality. This isn't just Peace's win, and his whole group.]
"It's over Junmax. Surrender, we've won."

[We? Peace took that the win on his own at the end there...what's he talking about?]
"Huh?" Junmax had to do a double take as Peace's words echoed in his head. "Don't you mean you won?"

"Not quite," Peace answered, his grip on the blade becoming looser as he proceeded, "We fought you together, so no matter the result, win or lose, we got it together. We're not just individuals. We're a team, a family. And I'd protect them with my life. So..." Gradually, he lowered the blade so it was pointed at the ground, and extended a hand to Junmax as he did so. "How about we call a truce. The last thing I want is to stab a helpless man."

The badminton player only looked at the open palm a moment before chuckling. "Tell you what," He grinned, suddenly grabbing it in an audible clap, only to be aided to his feet, "As long as you don't call me helpless again, you've got a deal."

"Deal."

"And you muzzle your dog."

"Don't push your luck."

Bladed Fire
02-21-2013, 04:59 AM
Lol Crankuba, your critics is not detailed ... what about me? It's not just that small critics only right?

Crank
02-21-2013, 02:14 PM
Heh, wow man, I see how it is! That advice was actually for both of you, I just used kingkickass' ending as my example!

As far as the way I CnC goes though, I believe in a funnel approach. If you're new to writing, I'll give you some pointers just so you know what you're doing, but as you get better, I'll get more specific. That, in turn, would make the CnC longer. Additionally, my style of doing it is mostly full of examples.

As far as where these are at now though, I think realism should be your primary concern. Things with a natural flow are easier to follow, and you don't constantly question motives as you read them. Right now, it's making the window to your imagination a little dirty. Clean it up, and we can go from there! I'm not going to overload you with a bunch of things at once, just one big idea at a time works better.

As far as your "what about me" goes, did you want me to do the same thing with part of your story?

Bladed Fire
02-21-2013, 06:25 PM
Hmm... I think now I know what you're talking about...Ok, no need for the same thing to my story XD Anyways, thanks for your CnC

SpeerMintty
02-21-2013, 06:31 PM
Dude... Crank is from FA... you doubt his critics, he doubts your existence as a capable human being... Or is that me...? Oh well :D but seriously, Crank's critique is usually spot on from what I've seen...

kingkickass2013
02-21-2013, 10:01 PM
all of this guys critism is right, i have increased my writing skill and also i am currently working on a couple more weaknesses to the team since hewitt complained, im currently in a competition free tag team battle between hewitt and lobotomizer vs me and guitarii (its for the hell of it, of course theirs is gonna be better), the catch is both of our stories must connect in some way (like we are both fighting in the same city or at some point in time we meet eachother but end up not doing anything so the other person's story can go on as if the people didnt notice a thing)

Bladed Fire
02-22-2013, 07:58 AM
Good, remember to caps lock for typing words...

kingkickass2013
02-22-2013, 01:14 PM
dont worry, i only write somewhat sloppy when replying to a thread, but my real writing skills are shown when actually writing the story (this one was rushed, i did it in 8 minutes)

Bladed Fire
02-23-2013, 06:29 AM
Hey kingkickass, try to make your.comment formal, and I also did it in just like 15 minutes...???

_Ai_
02-23-2013, 06:32 AM
Bro, do you even shift?

Azure
02-23-2013, 08:30 AM
http://www.troll.me/images/spiderman-old-fags/im-just-gonna-sit-here-and-watch.jpg

But seriously, you're straying from the topic.

kingkickass2013
02-23-2013, 08:26 PM
well i lost completely

_Ai_
02-23-2013, 09:39 PM
Overkill!

SpeerMintty
02-23-2013, 09:41 PM
Seb and Luzo havent even voted on this... Not to mention the random people that just stray in here XD SORRY KING!! BLNT :P

kingkickass2013
02-23-2013, 10:25 PM
I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE someday, MAYBE not today, MAYBE not tomorrow, but someday

Bladed Fire
02-23-2013, 10:36 PM
Well, battle is not everything, it's relationship. That means when you fight with a person, you will gain experience, and you will have a relationship with that people. So, I have vengeance from you... how sudden...

kingkickass2013
02-23-2013, 10:53 PM
lol its just basic drama, i will be having a rematch with you though at some point

we are good friends (or so i think), so dont take the stuff that is like that too seriously