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View Full Version : _Aiman_ (Aiman) VS Kingkickass2012 (Zeus) 2



_Ai_
04-16-2013, 11:27 AM
King, I'm really sorry for pushing back the date too much. Forgive me?

_Aiman_'s Story
Introducing Rafael as a special guest.
http://pastebin.com/w6rWaUfA

Kingkickass2012's Story.
Its a comedy and somewhat action.



HEADING TO STICKPAGE CITY

Zeus was walking around the village to see how bad the damage was from the heat wave, many villagers died that couldn't be revived to live once again and the heat wave had caused massive damage on the soil, making it hard for farmers to grow crops.

"Gah, I need a break from all this chaos, time to hit the bar." Zeus said to himself.

He wandered through the newly regrown grasslands and made his way to the biggest city on Earth, Stickpage city.

Zeus walked by all the people of Stickpage city, they grew fond of Zeus and the villagers, and they all know about his tragic tale in Atauromin, Zeus was greeted warmly with a smile and a handshake with everybody who passed him, the only cars driven in Stickpage city are a couple futuristic brands, they are incredibly strong and safe, mainly because the RHG's come here and fight all over the city.

As Zeus is walking down the street he finally found his favorite bar, he knows nobody inside but everybody there knows him, even the bartender who tends to forget a lot of things.


THE BAR FIGHT

Zeus entered the bar doors, when he entered rock music can be heard in the background with a couple people playing pool while the others are enjoying watching some idiot trying to dance but failing due to having so many drinks, some other people were playing darts, Zeus felt right at home here.

Zeus walked to the bartender, asking him for a drink and placing a gold bar on the table, the bartender took the gold bar even though he knew the gold bar was worth WAY more than the price of the drinks, the bartender placed a glass filled with the drink Zeus asked for and then left.

Zeus was in the bar for three hours and had finished off four glasses, they sit on the table awaiting the bartender to arrive. Finally when the bartender arrived with another drink for Zeus, Zeus began speaking "Ah what a sad month it was, many of my villagers died in the burning heat, and that little boy still owes me a lot of money." Zeus said with a small tear running down the side of his face, the bartender was cleaning up one of the four glasses Zeus had finished off.

"I think you've had enough king of Atauromin, head back to your village, and remember your my number one customer." the bartender said while cleaning up the last of Zeus's drinks. "Very well then, I shall see thee tomorrow." Zeus stood up from the bar seat and the metallic crunching of his armor angered a nearby drunkard.

"Hey lard in shhinin armir, mound taakin thet off sol I can beatz s'ya senselass." The dumb drunkard spoke with a massive slur yet had managed to keep a good amount of strength unlike some of the other people in the bar, he had a large brown beard and wore a red and black checkered shirt with blue jeans, Zeus did not tolerate him for five seconds after he said that and punched the man in the face, three of the drunkards teeth shot out the second the metal fist hit him the face, blood covered Zeus's fist and the counter. "Oh ur gonna dies now." the drunkard said as he drew the shotgun he had from a sleeve on the back of his shirt, he fired the first shot at Zeus but most of the pellets hit Zeus's armor, the rest flew off and hit the wall.

Zeus quickly grabbed the barrel of the shotgun and pulled it out of the drunkards hands, upon taking it, Zeus broke the shotgun in half with his hands, then began beating the man with the two broken parts of the shotgun.

Four other men at a nearby pool table saw Zeus fighting and quickly went to fight the king, all four of the men pulled out a pistol but Zeus saw them and quickly unsheaved his sword and took out his shield, all four men opened fire upon the king but it was no good the king was protecting his head with his shield.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Zeus cried as he charged towards the four men, but Zeus was immediately stopped by the bar's five bouncers, the bouncers not only beat up all four of the gun-men, but they threw the men out on to the sidewalk of the bar, three of the drunkards decided they are gonna go bug somebody else while the other one decided he wanted to come back inside the bar, he shot the bouncer's with the pistol he had, successfully stopping them from beating him senseless, and the drunkard continued on back to Zeus in whom was sitting back on the bar seat having himself another drink that the bartender offered on the house.

The man who ran back straight towards the king and grabbed Zeus by the hair and pointed a gun towards his forehead, Zeus quickly grabbed the pistol and threw it towards the dart board, the people by the dart board just looked over at Zeus in surprise.

Zeus used the long sword which was still unsheaved and repeatedly stabbed the stomach of the man, it took four stabs till the drunkard finally stopped clutching the kings hair, blood stained the wooden floor boards, everybody went back to having fun when the drunkard died, not even giving a shit that a couple men were killed today.

Zeus then went back to drinking in peace, the bartender decided that after this fight Zeus needs a couple more drinks, Zeus had twenty three more powerful drinks and then called it a day and walked out the bar.


THE METAL DRAGON

Zeus walked out the door of the bar and looked around, everything was odd looking and fuzzy.

Zeus had way to many extremely strong drinks that would normally kill a regular man if he had that many drinks, Zeus was drunk to the point were he was falling all over the place, and the armor and crown just made him a bigger laughing stock to the people around him, everybody laughed at Zeus but his hearing and vision was so bogged down it seemed to him that they were laughing with him.

Zeus started "walking" and noticed a metal dragon heading straight for him, he quickly unsheaved his bloody sword and pointed it directly at the dragon, "AT HELLLZ HERT I STEBBET THEE!"

Everybody stopped laughing and took out their phones, Zeus slashed down with his sword, immidiately cutting the dragons head in half, then Zeus noticed people were inside the metal dragon "DON'T WORRY CIVILIATZ, I SHALTS SAVET THEE!"

The people inside the metal dragon screamed in fear, and were shaking rapidly.

Zeus made no hesitation to jump on top of the dragons corpse, he cut into the top of the dragon to reveal what was inside, and there sat four people in whom were a man, a woman, and two children. Zeus pulled each of the family members out of the metal dragon as quickly has he can. "DON'T WORRYZ, YOUR SAFEZ NUW!"

"Alright this has to stop." a man said in the distance. "Whoo aret you." Zeus said confused.

"I'm the man who's going to end this non sense, you destroyed the whole front of a families car and forcefully pulled the loving family out of the ceiling of the car, they are now traumatized for the rest of their lives from this event." The man said towards Zeus, Zeus looked at the man as if he was downright insane. "THAT FAMILY WUS ATEN BY A SMULL, METALIC, RAD DRAGON. YOU MAST BE ITS LECKEY HAVE AT THEE LACKEY!"


ZEUS'S DRUNKEN RAGE

Zeus believing that this man is a lackey to the metal dragon, the king quickly sprinted towards the man, but ended up having double vision and smashed directly into the side of a building made from bricks, large cracks surged all around the spot where Zeus hit, the charge was nowhere near the man.

Zeus lies on the sidewalk nearby the building, there's a large indent sent into the bricks of the building from where Zeus had crashed into. "IS THET AWL YOU GOT!" Zeus said as he was getting back up, the people and the man were looking at Zeus, thinking he had some really bad mental problem.

Zeus ran towards the man a second time, this time he actually hit the man with his shield, he fell to the ground and a bit of dust shot around him due to the sidewalk being dirty. "ALRIGHT NOW YOU'VE PISSED ME OFF, IT'S TIME TO DIE."

The man spawned a brown shield and bashed Zeus in whom was still dazed and confused on whats happening in the face, Zeus's face became bloody and Zeus regained his vision and understanding of whats happening.

The man noticed Zeus was awful close to the car, the man spawned a blazing sword and slashed at the gasoline in which was leaking out of the car.

The car blew up due to fire hitting the gasoline, the car's explosion damaged many buildings nearby including the bar, Zeus began having a flashback.


A FLASHBACK

Zeus looks around to find hes not wearing his armor or his crown, then takes a look around and sees the villagers smiling and greeting eachother as they happily harvest crops and mine for riches, Zeus has never seen this many villagers happy in a long time.

Zeus walks up to the local blacksmith, the burly strong man is sitting in almost complete darkness, the only thing illuminating him is low light coming from the hot coals used to heat up swords. "Excuse me peasant, where is my armor and crown?" The villager began laughing loudly and then told Zeus "AH Zeus always wanting to go straight into combat, you have the same raging war blood of your father." The blacksmith says as he continues beating a sword with a hammer. "Excuse me, what year is it?" Zeus spoke in confusion, the black smith replied to Zeus while preparing to cool down the sword by placing it in water "Why the year is 1546 Zeus."

Zeus quickly moves to the highest tower he can find, he climbs up all the stairs and takes a long look everywhere, the sky is a nice shade of light blue mixed with light green while the grassy fields are like single emerald shards, Zeus was back in Atauromin.

He moves quickly inside the kingdom attempting to remember where his room is, he found it and inside was his collection of small steel daggers and fake wooden shields he made himself, his bed was the third most comfortable in the kingdom and his room was his own idea on how it should be painted, a massive artistic soldier war with spatters of red all over the walls to make it look as though blood was being spattered everywhere.

Zeus looks inside his rooms mirror to see a young face he hasn't seen in a long time, Zeus touched the mirror to see if that's really him, the mirror copied every move so he knew it was real and Zeus then heard a shout that caught his attention.

Zeus rushes out the kingdom into the village to hear soldiers shouting at the watch towers built into the massive wooden wall "SOLDIERS OF OPPOSING KINGDOMS ARE APPROACHING, WE MUST PREPARE FOR BATTLE!" the soldiers shouted as Zeus rushed to see what exactly was heading their way.

He and soldiers saw enemies approaching, the gold wearing soldiers seemed to be leading the army while the brass soldiers were running just a bit slower in the back. They were nearby the walls when they finally stopped, and had a couple catapults readied, a brass soldier wearing a purple cape and a golden soldier wearing an orange cape began speaking "SILVER DRAGON KINGDOM, YOUR TIME IS NIE AND YOU HAVE NOWHERE TO FLEE, SURRENDER THY KINGDOM AND YOU WILL ALL PERISH QUICKLY AND PAINLESSLY!"

A magician inside a watch tower fired a mystical explosive bolt directly at the single catapult they had, causing it to explode and having soldiers nearby either set aflame or burned to a crisp. The enemies began charging and started smashing against the wall, but they all moved back a could feet to prepare for one massive charge.

The walls of the silver dragon are under attack, the Zeus climbs to the top of one of the watch towers and sees enemy knights of the brass lizard and the golden chimera are charging and attacking the silver dragon soldiers, the brass knights were throwing round black objects with a small lit string over the wall that blew up seconds after landing, the explosions caused massive craters inside the ground along with dirt and rocks flying in all directions, the villagers were running in fear of blowing up.

"COME ON MOVE WE NEED TO PROTECT THE SILVER DRAGON KINGDOM!" a single soldier yelled as reinforcements to the battle charged out the door of the walls, Zeus was a small child in a war.

Zeus climbed down from the watch tower and walked out of the doors leading outside of the walls to see ally silver magicians behind a small barricade firing different combat magics while saying different magical words, the lightning shots crackled through the air as it crashed into the golden and brass soldiers, successfully blowing them up into pieces. Poisons and corrosive shots hit the enemy knights, burning through their armor and eating away at their skin.

Silver wearing soldiers were charging directly into the battle field, clashing with the opposing force. Metal clanging as the swords came in contact with each other and as shields bashed into the helmets and chests of enemy and ally soldiers.

Zeus saw a brass armored soldier running straight at him, the man almost cut Zeus's head off until a man wearing a crown saved him, the man turned around and spoke to Zeus "ZEUS, GO TO YOUR MOTHER I WILL BE FINE, DON'T WORRY WE WILL WIN THIS WAR." Zeus made out his face and saw that it was his father.

"GO NOW, WE WILL PREVA." Zeus saw that his father was stabbed directly in the back, the golden sword cut all the way through his armor and just the tip of the sword pierced the front of the plate armor, blood had stained the tip of the sword and Zeus's father coughed up blood, it spattered on the Zeus's face and the child quickly ran back inside the village, horrified at what he has seen.

He found his mother and his brother and they quickly took shelter in the kingdom, they constantly heard explosions and the screams of death as the metal of shields and swords clashed.

A soldier wearing gold smashed through the door of the room, there sat Zeus's family. "YOU WILL ALL DIE UNDER THE MIGHT OF THE GOLDEN CHIMERA!" The soldier sprinted towards Zeus's family, he had cut the head off Zeus's mother, the brother of Zeus picked up a broom while Zeus picked up a small butter knife. The brother distracted the golden soldier while Zeus prepared to leap onto the back of the man, Zeus made a direct stab in the back of the neck and blood started gushing out of the back of the soldiers neck.

The gold wearing soldier was dead and Zeus and his brother went to mourn the death of their mother and father.

Eight hours of hearing constant explosions and screams, it suddenly went silent. Zeus and his brother left out the door of the kingdom, they saw all of the enemy and ally soldiers either blown up with pieces of them everywhere or laying on the ground dead.

The villagers walked out of the doors to find their current king, Zeus's father, dead on the ground with a note gripped within his hands. The villagers picked up the note and all read it "IF I AM TO DIE IN THIS WAR, THEN LET ONE OF MY SONS DECIDE WHO IS THE KING." The villagers looked back at both Zeus and his brother


BACK INTO REALITY

Zeus had realized he entered a flashback, Zeus looked around to find he was in a prison cell along with the man. "You where am I?"

"Your in prison along with me, we ended up causing so much destruction the police came quickly and arrested us both, by the way what the hell happened. You were laying in the corner of the prison cell and crying for eight hours straight and called me your brother, you not only freaked me out but I attempted to get you to stop but you just kept crying, it failed completely." The man said to Zeus. "I was having a flashback of my village back at Atauromin, the explosion of the car caused me to have a flashback of the war of the silver dragon versus the brass lizard and the golden chimera, so whats your name." Zeus replied.

"The names Aiman, and your name is Zeus. I heard the guards saying your name." Aiman said to Zeus. "Well don't worry I'm sure my villagers will be able to buy us out of jail like usual, it works every time." Zeus says as he writes a note, he gives the note to a bird and orders the bird to take the note to the kingdom.

Meanwhile back at the kingdom. The messenger boy catches the bird and finds a note on its leg, the messenger boy enters the throne room with the note sent from Zeus, and see's both the royal advisers wearing a fake crown "OH I'm Zeus, I may be a huge stupid drunk and everybody hates me but I still have the power to order them around." the old adviser says stomping around while wearing the fake crown, the young adviser chimes in "Oh remember the time Zeus got so drunk, he went 'dancing' around the village calling himself the lord of dance." the royal advisers began bursted out laughing. Then both the royal advisers see the messenger boy, they ask the messenger boy a question "Messenger boy, what did you see?"

"I saw enough to know you two owe me quite a bit for quite a while, anyway Zeus needs one of you to head to the local prison in stickpage city and pay off the damages done and pay for Zeus and Aimans freedom." The messenger boy said to the two advisers, the advisers sighed and grabbed the note, they had six footmen take twenty gold bars each with a cloth bag to hold the gold bars and had them send the gold bars to the prison so they can free Zeus and Aiman without the court system.

The soldiers went towards the prison, carrying a bag filled with twenty gold bars each, when they reached the prison they just dumped the gold bars on the counter and said "free Zeus and Aiman."

"Ok." said the police officer at the counter, they opened the doors to Zeus and Aimans cell and both were escorted back to Zeus's kingdom by the six footmen. Zeus was also given his armor back.

"Isn't the justice system of Stickpage city just wonderful." Aiman said with a smile. "Anyway what you did was horrible to that poor family. How you ever got to be king of anything is completely stupid to me." After saying that Zeus tightly gripped Aimans neck and lifted him a bit off the ground. "HOW DARETH YOU INSULT THE KING! I WILL KILL YOU INSIDE THE TRAINING ROOM AT MY KINGDOM DO YOU HEAR ME!" Zeus said in anger towards Aiman. The footmen were trying as hard as possible to get Zeus to let go of Aiman's neck but they are were pathetically hopeless on their attempt.

Zeus seeing that Aiman gets the point let go of Aimans neck, Aiman was gasping for air after Zeus let go of his neck. "Umm ok then, I will head to the training room now." Aiman said unwillingly. Aiman whispered to himself as they were walking "Note to self, never speak of Zeus's family."


A SECRET ROOM

They made it to the village to see they were welcomed joyfully by the villagers, some still shooken up by the heat wave but still happy. Zeus and Aiman went directly to the training room without a single word to anybody.

Zeus was holding onto the back of Aiman's neck as they were walking, Aiman knew if he attempted to escape Zeus would break his neck on the spot.

They entered the kingdom to be greeted warmly by the royal advisers, the royal guards just gave them a small smile and then went back to patrolling the area. The royal guards were never nice people and are actually very mean and cruel towards others, but they make a small exception for Zeus.

Zeus and Aiman along with several foot soldiers and a priest were walking through the hallways of the kingdom, the banners hung up on the walls are red with a silver colored dragon on them along with torches illuminating the way, their is a painted glass window allowing sunlight into the kingdom way at the end of the hall showing some sort of god but nobody but the villagers and Zeus's kingdom know who that god is.

The torches lit started out bright orange but they were steadily getting darker and darker of a blue color as they continued on, yet oddly they managed to shine brighter than the regular orange flame torches, the hallway looked like a very dark prison hallway.

They reached the end of the hallway where above their heads lied the painted glass window of some god, Zeus kneeled down but didn't say a word and looked as though he was in a prayer, in the distance a loud scream is heard, it sounded as though it came from a man. Zeus got back up and began walking towards the right and felt around the stone wall, he caught on to something and pulled down which opened up a doorway that sorta looked like the stone walls itself to reveal a massive pitch black room. Not a prison though.

Aiman and Zeus suddenly felt a burst of cold air from the room, their was no light inside of it nor was their any other doors, rats can be heard deep within the room. Zeus ordered the priest to walk in with a torch and ordered the footmen to go to the barracks and have themselves a nice drink of wine or something.

Ten minutes of the priest being in the room, the torches all around the room that weren't visible before suddenly lit up in a dazzling green fire that crackled and burned brighter than the blue torches, the room had odd looking walls, as though made from some sort of black stone that was a bit weathered down.

They all started venturing within the room, but Aiman noticed something odd. Zeus closed the stone door behind them, it wasn't too loud nor was it too quiet, its almost as though its meant to keep people away from seeing.

They continued on through the room and time seemed to pass quicker in the room. Zeus stopped Aiman and the priest halfway through the green lit room "Hold up, look towards the walls you will see something you may have not seen before." After saying so Aiman and the priest looked over to see small holes in the wall "These can shoot out darts at a high speed, I had the alchemists and scientists of the village to help me build these, all you have to do is step on the wrong part of the floor in order to activate them."

After saying that they looked at the ground and their was four colors in a pattern all across the ground. They were red, green, yellow, and blue. They were crudely built but in Zeus's current technology this probably took a long time to build.

Zeus told them the exact order they need to step in order to pass "You need to step on the red one first, the blue one, then the green one, then the yellow one. If you do not succeed on this you will be paralyzed for a week from the darts."

After saying that they began doing the sequence, for each colored stone, dust shot up from the creases, almost as if this room hasn't been entered in a long time.

They finished the sequence and a large clunking noise was heard, Zeus walked over and felt around the wall, it took him three minutes until his hand finally caught something, Zeus pulled down and the entire wall came down as though it was a door. Whatever was in this room Zeus went to great lengths keeping it secret.

Zeus ordered the priest to go back, so now only Aiman and Zeus were entering the room. They walked into the now opened door and Aiman was absolutely amazed, a large pit is before them, it appears to be a very long way down and with no elevator, before Aiman could speak Zeus grabbed Aiman and jumped down into the endless darkness.


THE PIT

They were falling into this pit, Aiman screaming his lungs off as Zeus laughs while they fall into the pit. The wind is whipping across Aimans face, cutting his face up completely.

They came on contact with the ground, their is absolutely no light except for a dim glow further along a path, the room had many stalagmites and stalactites as both the men heard water dripping from the ceiling, the ground was somewhat moist and rocky as if they were in a cave, Aiman was mentally harmed but both were physically unharmed from the fall impact, Zeus just continued on but Aiman needed a couple seconds to understand what just happened (I'd be confused too if I just fell seventy some feet and survived without a single scratch).

Zeus and Aiman continued on, Aiman attempted to light a small fire, "No don't, theirs a certain creature down here that will get incredibly mad if we made a single light." Zeus whispered as he stopped Aiman from creating a fire. They continued on in the complete dark and finally came across a small light in the distance, they got closer and closer to find a gleaming golden door that was two times the size of Zeus.

They entered the room to find a massive library, the bookcases were made from a very strong oak and the floor was tiled a dark blue color, "This library contains all knowledge of Atauromin and it's people, but more importantly it contains knowledge of my past, the reason I have brought you here is because you need to know why I am king and what happened to my family, otherwise you will find me as a ruthless man who doesn't deserve his power."

Zeus pulled Aiman's arm straight to one of the bookcases and pulled out a book, it was quite large and it was titled "A dark tale." Aiman knew this would take several hours and braced himself for absolute boredom.


VILLAGE BATTLE

After reading the entire book (which took several hours just like Aiman thought), Zeus stood up and walked with Aiman towards what looked like a small platform, Zeus and Aiman stepped onto the platform. "TEROGNUS ENTANDIO!" Zeus shouted, after saying that the platform started glowing bright orange and shot up into the air, it was going at a very rapid pace and at the very top was a dead end made of stone, Zeus grabbed Aiman and lifted his shield up, the platform crashed through the dead end causing massive chunks of stone being thrown everywhere. It startled many wizards due to the platform bursting up through the center of the wizard spire.

Zeus and Aiman sustained nothing due to Zeus's shield protecting them. "Time for a battle, I think now that your completely bored we may want to end your little 'field trip' here." Zeus said as they were walking out of the wizard spire, Aiman made first strike and formed up a brown stone shield, the first move Aiman made was stomp onto the ground which caused a pillar to jet up under Zeus, sending the king flying.

Zeus landed in a nearby cabbage stand and completely destroyed it where the man who was selling them yelled in anger and at the same sadness, Zeus got up to find Aiman was standing on top of a single large pillar.

Aiman began stomping onto the pillar and it started firing chunks at Zeus, the first one managed to hit the kings head but the rest were completely blocked, Zeus's crown remained intact.

Zeus sprinted towards the pillar and began climbing, Aiman just laughed and violently shot the pillar down causing Zeus to hit the ground head first, dust risen from the pillar re-entering the ground completely blocking sight. Zeus's crown still didn't break.

Aiman noticed Zeus was on the ground currently in incredible pain, Aiman changed weaponry to an electric spear and began stabbing at Zeus. The king jumped up and unsheaved his sword, Zeus dodged the spear attacks and slashed at Aiman, he cut the bottom half of Aimans jaw allowing the tongue to droop down from the hole created under his jaw.

Aiman began creating massive storms after this, lightning instantly struck Zeus from both Aimans electric spear and from the clouds above, Zeus's entire body was burned severely and his heart was racing extremely fast. Zeus made one final move before he collapsed, Zeus threw his sword that landed directly on Aimans head, both Zeus and Aiman now lie cold dead on the ground.


KINGDOM HEALERS

Aiman awoken and looked around, he seemed to be on a hospital bed, was it all just a simple dream thought Aiman.

He looked around to find a note lying down nearby the bed along with a couple new age 'get well' cards.

Aiman picked up the note and read it "Dear Aiman, The village priests and mages are trying their hardest to heal all of Zeus's wounds, he sustained quite a large amount of damage and it might take months before he can even talk to anybody, you however will be fine."

Aiman looked out the window and had a clear view of Zeus's kingdom, Aiman also noticed the destruction caused upon it and the amount of damage he had done to the buildings nearby while doing his powerful attacks.





(Not part of the story) Today you learned Zeus gets really angry of you mention his family, he has a very sad story on his family locked within a massive library deep within the ground below the kingdom.

Chamel
04-16-2013, 12:41 PM
Zeus, bro, commas are your friend, but don't use them too much. But good job on the drunk parts, those were really well (maybe too well) played out. Haha, you're writing has improved quite a bit since you started.

Aiman, good job, but focus a little more on word choice next time though. Some of the words seem to fit awkwardly, kind of like a mix matched puzzle.. But good job. Vote goes to Aiman.

Rochedan
04-16-2013, 01:25 PM
I enjoyed reading both of your stories.

King: I saw grammar mistakes in your story which you should know by know. Their/there/they're learn the difference!
The drunk parts made me laugh, although the scene in the bar was quite absurd I did enjoy it.

Aiman: Your beginning was good but I had the feeling you started rushing your story after the "saving the pup" part. Complete sentences stopped making sense.
For example: "The earth starts to Zeus up".
Your story was cleaner than king's but I enjoyed reading King's story more. So my vote goes to King.

kingkickass2013
04-16-2013, 02:13 PM
I was tempted not to post the drunken parts of Zeus, I thought I did horribly on his speech while in "Drunk version"

The flashback was a really big moment in Zeus's life, it was the very start of when Zeus first had his chance to get into power, he played a chess game with his brother (Which some of us like to call Hades). If you read my character page you would know who Zeus's brother is and his story.

Hitsuit
04-17-2013, 01:33 AM
Vote goes to _Aiman_

Not because I have my character in his story; but his story was clean and easy to read. The dialogue was in proper placing and everything was smooth

I also enjoy reading yours Zeus too but I enjoy much more about Aiman's part, I'm not saying that because I am a friend of Aiman but I vote who has the best story c:

Good job to both of you!

Lol his name is kingkickass2013 not Zeus XD btw i vote Aiman......

_Ai_
04-17-2013, 02:19 AM
Yay got 2 votes ahead of you. Could this possibly be my first win? Or Zeus's?

Rochedan
04-17-2013, 12:00 PM
I think basing your vote on how the writing itself looks like is kind of easy to say. You wouldnīt even have to read it to tell somebody it looks `cleanī or `proper dialogue placement`. Itīs all about the story for me thatīs why I voted for King.

kingkickass2013
04-17-2013, 05:46 PM
What am I doing wrong? Is it the system I'm using (I use notepad which is meant for something else, not a very ideal place to write in)

I've lost every battle except oddly I got a tie from Triss, what the hell is happening what am I doing wrong.

SpeerMintty
04-17-2013, 05:52 PM
Haha, don't feel down King. You Rochedan to vote for you, and he's tied for first overall, take that as a small compliment.
One of the issues I personally see is your overuse of commas and comma splicing. There are also a few small technical mistakes here and there in the story, but your storyline is actually really well thought out. Of course Aiman's story isn't perfect, by far (no offense Aiman), but it's just the voters choice. I've already said I'm abstaining from voting because I was torn between voting for either you. Both your stories are pretty well made so yeah. Don't get too down about it, just look into a little more info and just keep trying at it. :)

kingkickass2013
04-17-2013, 05:57 PM
The king is not dead yet, I still have Lethal's battle to fight. This one I'm giving my second all to (because this one Aiman asked me to make this one his best since hes going into hibernation for about 3 years)

SpeerMintty
04-17-2013, 06:00 PM
Well then I wish thee luck of the greatest reaches to accompany thine self on thy journey for glory.

*bows*

Haha, good luck King

kingkickass2013
04-18-2013, 05:39 AM
Noooo.... I'm going to need more than luck if I am going to win my next one. *begins staring in a random direction for no good reason*



WOOOW, only 1 from Rochedan (tied for first place, so I don't know) and 6 for Aiman, it makes me wonder. Is this happening out of irony, the king of kickass is getting his ass kicked from everybody.

Xate
04-18-2013, 09:38 AM
...Fight me?

Maroon
04-19-2013, 04:22 AM
In terms of story they're both quite equal, but in terms of plot I like Aiman's better.

King's was a bit too long and it didn't build up to much, specifically I'm talking about THE SECRET ROOM and THE PIT. You described how they get there in such a detailed way, but it just ends with Zeus reading Aiman a book, in which you skipped(not really a bad choice, since we already knew it). I feel that journey wasn't necessary, just the destination.

The rest is bumpy, sometimes it interest me, sometimes it doesn't. My point is, if you want to have an excessive amount events to tell you should keep the reader's curiosity at high. (Should be noted: probably not exclusive to curiosity, but it's the only thing I can think of)

kingkickass2013
04-19-2013, 10:30 AM
So you are saying that I should instead of keeping the fight as prolonged as possible, get to the chase as quickly as necessary?

I noticed something with Aiman's story, although it did not have to big of an adventure (No he didn't fall through some giant pit that has a massive creature inside he just went to the park) he got to the battle quicker than I did, and did excellent on it (Zeus is a greedy man not a ruthless and murderous overlord by the way, he's not going around forcing people of stickpage city to join his army, he asks them and if they say no he leaves them without bothering them again. HOWEVER the people inside the village once they turn to a certain age it is MANDATORY for them to join Zeus's army, no matter how much they believe violence is not the answer)

Chamel
04-19-2013, 12:23 PM
Now Maroon, why don't you participate in wRHG? That made a lot of sense, so you are probably a good writer :) Anyway, I would listen to Maroon King, he knows what he's talking about

Maroon
04-19-2013, 10:10 PM
@King Not necessarily. I say it would be much more interesting if there's more build up to the battle, but it has to be taken in the right way. Also, don't worry I'm aware of that. Right after I read your part.

@ChamelNeon Aw shucks, thanks! I'm working on a battle right now actually. Don't expect anything marvelous tho, I can mostly say than do.

_Ai_
04-22-2013, 12:50 AM
1 day before poll closing. Please vote more on this please.

_Ai_
04-24-2013, 10:17 AM
Poll is closed with me winning. Good fight, king :)
I hope you will win your next battle.