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View Full Version : Stitches vs. Quickshock



Chamel
04-24-2013, 09:29 AM
So this is both our first battle. Hope you guys enjoy!

Stitches: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NsSiK6mUxo65_fo0Cyhnub9sIhAXnU1I96zs5ruQwGE/edit?usp=sharing <-- Giant ragdoll with extendable limbs

VOTE FAIRLY guys, and thanks for your time :P

Duelist should be posting his momentarily

Duelist17
04-24-2013, 09:35 AM
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12U7nfeJIpUKnKzwf706yidODFnsPQ6rLA_LspBBeyU4/edit?usp=sharing

Sorry for bad link.1st time using this website :D

Chamel
04-24-2013, 09:25 PM
Thanks Lethal :) And I really had no idea >_> My battle with Anywho should prove interesting though :)

Serenity
04-24-2013, 11:29 PM
Anyways voting for you Cham, took me about 20 minutes to read yours and understand it due to my English problems. Good job to both of you anyways!

Why do you always say 'due'??

Anyways, I voted for Cham. Sorry duelist ;( It says "vote fairly" and I liked Cham's story better. ;(

Duelist17
04-25-2013, 05:00 AM
I know guys that cham will win.Always did know that but cham insisted for this battle so i accepted anyway xD
Im not good at writing anything so im trying to animate though i hope that i can do better than writing :D

Serenity
04-25-2013, 05:17 AM
Battle me next, Duelist.
We both have something in common between our characters ;)

Chamel
04-25-2013, 05:24 AM
Thats not fair Serenity, you're a better writer than I am, so it would be a deathwish for Duelist if he fought you XD and I really forgot about the skill level thing, I was going more for "His character would be fun to write about! Ill ask him for a battle" haha

Serenity
04-25-2013, 05:26 AM
Thats not fair Serenity, you're a better writer than I am, so it would be a deathwish for Duelist if he fought you XD and I really forgot about the skill level thing, I was going more for "His character would be fun to write about! Ill ask him for a battle" haha
But I never wrote anything yet except for my demo and tryout. And I'm totally under 16 years old.

Chamel
04-25-2013, 05:30 AM
Im 15!! And from what Ive seen, you ARE better, haha

Serenity
04-25-2013, 05:33 AM
Aww... You so sweet. lol.

Chamel
04-25-2013, 05:39 AM
Haha, I say we let Lethal have the next battle with him :D

Serenity
04-25-2013, 06:03 AM
Im actually battling Interested. So, yeah. I meant to say that after he fights with Lethal.

Duelist17
04-25-2013, 07:42 AM
actually im changing my wrhg so lethal can battle the new one.
Btw im 15 years old too :D

Chamel
04-25-2013, 07:13 PM
11 ?! Whoa...

pluto_kun
04-25-2013, 07:53 PM
And here I am, graduating high school in like two months D:

...anyways.. I really enjoyed both of your writing, great job! I really loved that calming tone in Cham's writing style, and also loved Duelist's description of the battle. Correct me if I am wrong, but I voted for ChamelNeon becuase his piece seemed to be written with more consideration and effort; Duelist, your formatting makes me harder to concentrate in your writing despite the well-woven story, and as a reader, this can be one of the factors that can repel them from reading your battle. Please have that in mind next time you write - good work nonetheless XD

Oh, yeah, and another advice: DO NOT USE SCRIPT-LIKE FORMAT IN YOUR STORY!!
This is not just for Duelist but also for some of you out there who are or was. You are not here to write a script for a play or a muscial, therefore it is inappropriate to put the character's name in front of his/her dialogue. For example,

Pluto: Hey, don't use me as an example! Use Cath!
Cathory: I am a little busy here.

If I have to bear reading that kind of style in the battle like this, I will rage at you! RAWR! I don't care if you put it there because it is his/her thought. Single quotation marks, italics, or even a dash(-) in front will suffice. Your choice. But I remind you again; you are not a script writer here. If you want to write a story, please stick to its most basic rules at least. Have some respect for it - unless you intend to write an actual script of your battle.


...I raged on, didn't I? Sorry for terrorizing the battle thread >.>

acutelatios
04-25-2013, 11:48 PM
Nah I think you're alright; it's just one of those things that needed to be said :3

Back to the battles: I'll read them soon once I take a nap and finally on a computer
so I'll edit this later~
o w o

Serenity
04-26-2013, 01:42 AM
Yeah, I bet you're shocked.

And who says you're the only 11 year old here?

Chamel
04-26-2013, 08:05 AM
Well I have to admit, Lethal is a pretty good writer for being 11 and all. Haha
And thanks Pluto :) Glad you liked it ^^

If you see this Duelist: SEE?! You ARE a good writer!!! :D everybody says so :)

And thanks Latios ^^ hope you enjoy the stories :P

kingkickass2013
04-26-2013, 04:42 PM
Ummm guys I'm 11 lol, yeah I know I'm too young for Stickpage, but I think I have a talent in writing stuffs though. Yeah, I'm the youngest here c:

That explains a lot, anyway I would vote for chameleon but I'm not going to, I liked his story better but I wonder. Would stitches be a good friend to Cyber virus, they both understand the pain of death and both have somewhat of a murderous streak (more on Cyber viruses side but still stitches did kill people)

EDIT: that last part doesn't belong here, answer it in PM's.

Duelist17
04-27-2013, 12:18 AM
Can i just forfeit or something so that this will end quickly? xD
I know that chamelneon will win.I need to change my wrhg :D

acutelatios
04-27-2013, 01:33 AM
lol once the poll starts you have to wait for it to end
you can change your WRHG anytime though even during this battle; but why though?

Duelist17
04-27-2013, 02:07 AM
Well i came up with a better wrhg.This one is better so i think im going to change it now :D

acutelatios
04-27-2013, 03:14 AM
Alright, I've decided that I'm too lazy to get on my computer so I'm going to comment on this battle on my phone. Just because~

Anyway I've made some observations and here's my CnC for your battles~


To ChamelNeon
To start this off, try not to use the same word within two consecutive sentences like what you did here.



He landed with both feet on the monsters chest, the force threatening to pull him out of his place. Luckily, Stitches' strength held him in place electricity jumping across his body and into the ground.


It sounds weird and odd, at least to my eyes. Try to use a different word for the same word or form different sentence that means the same thing. Like so: "Luckily Stitches' strength helped him hold his ground from the impact, electricity dancing on the surface of his skin as it travelled to the floor". I had to reword the whole sentence since ground was already used, but see? Sounds much better, yes?


Another thing is, well I'm not really sure how to describe it but it seems that for a couple of places in the story you seem to place sentence that describes the action before as if we didn't know what was happening or what it meant. For example:



Quickly thinking of a plan, Stitches dug his feet into the ground as far as he could, bringing his hands out. Stitches was now lodged into the ground by his feet, making his hands useful for combat.


It kind of feels like your treating your reader like they have no idea what he's done. Feels like I'm oblivious at what's happened and it kind of ruins the flow a little, but that's just me. You can reword the two sentences together to make it sound smoother. For example: "Quickly thinking of a plan, Stitches dug his feet deep into the ground, lodging it into the earth and swapping positions with his hands as he raised them ready for battle." or something like that.


But beside these and a couple of other things, you've written your story well. It had a very nice storyline, which I love~,and I could see the actions quite well in my head with the exceptions from some parts since it just didn't makes sense to me, but nothing that a read over couldn't fix! Great job on the story deary~!


To Duelist17
First things first, like what Pluto said, please try not to use a script style for conversations. It's not really good and it might turn some readers off because of it. Some other reasons were already stated by Pluto as well so I've no need to elaborate further on it.


Also I know that you're just starting out but with your descriptions, though they were clear, you did more telling it than showing. For example:



Stitches fell at the ground and caused a little earthquake because of his weight.


And I'm sorry, but it makes it so bland and a real turn off. For future battles, try to elaborate on details and what's happening. Describe it! Don't just tell us what's happening, show us what's occurring in the story! For example, here's the same sentence and compare it with the one before: "Stitches fell back from his attack. His adversary's large misshapen body causing the whole ground to shake violently as he collided with the ground."


See? Doesn't that sound much more interesting? :3


But anyways, I really did like your story! The plot was great as well and not too bad for your first battle! Just keep all of these things in mind next time, my dear~

Overall, I loved both stories but I will vote for ChamelNeon on this. His story wins for his descriptions on the scenes and his storyline as well! You both did a great job on this though and I can't wait to see more of your battles


*gives Chamel and Duelist cookies for their effort*
o w o

_Ai_
04-27-2013, 06:23 AM
Duelist, work on the writing more.

Chamel
04-29-2013, 06:16 PM
I love me some coolies :3 thanks Latios :) now that I look back at it, it does weird in some places... haha, thanks ^^ and thanks everyone for the help and CnC and voting and all that :D

Serenity
05-04-2013, 04:27 AM
You're 11? or 12? ._.

sseeccreeettt..