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View Full Version : Zephyr (tonan15) vs. Gem (THEFORCE)



tonan15
05-05-2013, 05:06 AM
hi, this is both our first fight so thanks for reading and voting CnC is appreciated
Zephyr page (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?57092-Zephyr-quot-The-Weaver-quot)
Gem page (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?55777-Gem-quot-The-Jendoh-quot)
As Zephyr opened his eyes he the grey ceiling then got up and turned his head to the city scenery “well, time for more training……or I’ll-“ at that thought he got dressed and went down to the lobby. When he arrived it was more empty than usual but he didn't mind in fact he was kind of greatful. He sat down and turned on his laptop then scrolled through his list of gladiators and stopped at a name that got his attention. He got up and asked the receptionist to send him a message requesting a battle and a few hours later he received a message accepting his challenge. And for the next day he gathered intel.When the day actaully arrived he got out of bed early and went to the location of their battle.As Zephyr turned the corner he looked surprised to see a large warehouse. He thought the battle would be on an open field because that’s what he saw on the maps of the area he was told by the receptionist earlier. “So there are places like this, that are kept secret from the public, a lot of battles must have happened here” he thought to himself. Sure enough when he entered there were signs of battles everywhere from holes in the roof, cracks in the floor and several dents on the walls and supports. It took him several minutes to survey the whole warehouse. Then using the stinger he grabbed the edge of one of the holes in the roof and pulled himself up. He was surprised that the hole didn't get bigger but he was mesmerized by the view he saw, the fields, forests and hills perfectly put together so much that it looks like it came from a painting from one of those famous painters.”I’m loving this dimension more and more, maybe after we defeat the Tesh I’ll come back.” but his thoughts were interrupted with the sound of footsteps coming from the main door and when he looked down he saw the person he spent half a day stalking, Gem, he’s a stick, I’m not joking that he’s thin, he’s really a gray stick figure with a irregularly shaped bag with him. Zephyr jumped down seven feet from his opponent.

“Well that was an entrance” said Gem.
“Nah, I just happened to be on the roof, so shall we start” Zephyr replied while putting on his gloves.
“Sure I’ll start then” Gem said while pulling his sword out then charged at Zephyr.

Leaving him little time to react Zephyr grabbed a steel support with threads from his right hand and with his left he sent seven threads to Gem but with his reaction speed he was able to cut down the threads easily. When Zephyr recovered from the hasty escape he increased the threads to twenty, ten for each hand and started to surround Gem but again with his reflexes Gem was still able to defend himself but not without being cut here and there. Then Gem felt a tug on his sword and saw that multiple threads had encircled his sword and was being pulled. So a tug of war happened for a few moments then Gem noticed that the threads were turning from silver to red and the force of his opponent jumped but then an idea popped in his mind, they struggled for a few more seconds then Gem let go. When Zephyr felt he was able to wrench the sword he felt his plan coming together but when he looked at the sword which was half way between him and Gem, tip pointed at him, hoping to catch it he noticed a thick white glow in the middle of the sword. “Oh S*** I forgot the laser” was what he said before he was blown away through the steel support behind him and easily flew more than half the length of the warehouse. Gem on the other hand had a smirk on his face and approached his sword and removed the threads wrapping his sword, green this time. Gem made his way where his opponent was blown and expected for him to be out for the count but as the dust started to settle he saw a figure upright.

“You’re tougher than I thought” Gem said.
“And you’re not bad” was the reply.
“Up for round two?”
“Let’s be serious this time”

The second after Zephyr said that he pulled out the stinger with his right hand and extended its threads and swiped at Gem who however was able to evade the red threads and started charging at him. Without missing a beat Zephyr swung the stinger back forcing Gem to jump to evade but then Zephyr’s right hand came, threads extended, at Gem who used his sword to propel him further. Then Zephyr sent ten threads at his opponent who then grabbed half and pulled him in the air heading straight for each other. In reaction the threads of his stinger coiled together and sped forward ending with Gem deflecting it with his sword and being sent off course to the left. Taking advantage the threads multiplied and numbered around fifty started encasing Gem, the cocoon getting smaller and smaller but then bright light started to show between the cracks. Then the threads were cut to pieces at amazing speed and next thing he knew it Gem, who was glowing white, aimed his sword at a support behind him and fired the laser making him gain so much speed that Zephyr took a full force right hook and flew to the wall.
“Damn, you’re tough” Gem said as he eyed the silhouette of his opponent standing and without warning a huge amount of gold threads exploded from the dust cloud some anchored in the walls while most came for him so he started to slice and dice but he barely noticed an opening in the sea of threads and out of it came Zephyr at high speed about to punch him but dodged by an inch then using the stinger Zephyr grabbed the support that Gem used and slingshot around it heading straight for Gem, again he dodged it but then Zephyr used the threads as a trampoline and tried to hit Gem again but this time Gem countered with a axe kick sending Zephyr straight down. As Gem was about to rush at his opponent and finish the battle he suddenly felt pressure on his neck, he could see gold threads around it like a noose as he was about to cut it with his sword he felt a tug on his arms and legs because they too were tied with threads then it occurred to him that those punches were too easy to dodge and that that was the time when the threads were planted. He struggled to free himself and just as he could cut the threads the Light Convert wore off so he lost his energy and as he felt the noose get tighter he blacked out.
When Zephyr saw that Gem was knocked out, he immediately let go, caught him and set him down near the door. Then he called the medics and slumped on the wall beside Gem and as exhausted as he was he also blacked out. When he woke up he was in a hospital room and Gem was in the next room. They were released the next day, Zephyr waited in the lobby for Gem and when he saw him he approached him and said

“You are a great fighter” while extending his hand.
“Well, you were tougher than I expected no matter how hard I hit you, you just didn’t stay down” Gem replied while shaking hands.
“Oh yeah, if you’d followed up those hit I wouldn’t have stood a chance…….um I’m getting kind of hungry, d’you know any good places around here?”
“ Yeah I know a good burger joint down the street, we can go there now if you want I’m sure it’s open”
“Sure that’d be great”

After that they spent a few hours in the burger joint swapping stories. For the next few days they would be seen training and you could tell that both eagerly awaited the battles that would come.

t was a Saturday morning, Gem was sitting on the couch watching TV, and was rapidly changing the channel. As he was changing the channels, he suddenly saw and ad, but before he could see it, he changed the channel, so he quickly changed it back, it was an ad for something called wRHG. Gem looked deeply into this, and he hear that it was a fighting competition, gathering the most powerful and skillful fighters from around the world, and it's at stickpage city. Gem thought that he could join this..He has a sword after all. And he can show off his abilities. Gem quickly took his sword and put it in his bag, but before he could leave the house, his mother came came from the kitchen and told him: "Hey, where you going?!" Gem couldn't tell her that he had a sword and going for a fighting competition, so he said: "Uhmm..Just..Going in a school trip.." His mother replied: "No one told me about a school trip?!" He said:'Yeah..They just called yesterday,but..uhh. I forgot." Then she said: "OK. Just don't be late.." He said: "Yeah, yeah. I won't be late." He said goodbye to his mother and left.

In his way, he wanted to say goodbye to Uncle Bob, which is the man who worked in the Oldman's Shop. He entered the door as the bell rang, which woke up Bob who was sleeping. He said: "Uh..Hey there, Gme." Gem replied: "Hey, Bob." He replied: "How's it going, Gem." Gem said: "Yeah..yeah, it's OK." Bob replied: "Well, you don't look too well are you?" He continued: "Is there something on your mind?!" Gem said: "Yeah.." He said: "Then tell me what's wrong." Gem said: "Well, I'm going to somewhere called stickpage city..Yeah." Bob was surprised and said: "Why would you go there??" He said: "Just a competition called wRHG, I want to be in it. That's all." Bob said: "What?! Do you even know what is this competition???" Gem replied: "Yeah, I do. It's a fighting competition..." Bob said: "Then why do you want to be in it?!" "What, you want to get killed or something?!" Gem pulled out his sword out of his bag..and showed it to Bob..Bob said: "Where did you get this?!" Gem: "Can you keep the secret???" Bob looked at Gem..Gem said: "OK, here it is. My grandfather was a warrior." Bob looked sarcasm at Gem, and said: "C'mon. You don't expect that I'll believe this, do you?!" Gem said: "It's the truth I found this sword in a chamber, under my attic." Bob said while reaching the phone: "That's it. I'll call your mom." Gem said while holding Bob's hand: "Wait,wait,wait,wait...Check this out."
While taking the message that his grandfather gave him from his pocket.."Now, I can't fake this handwriting." He showed him the message and Bob finally believed. And said: "But..You can't go to stickpage city, you'll get killed in 5 mins there." Gem replied: "OH, please..I practiced this sword for like a year, do you really think that I'm not gonna be able to use it?" Bob said: "You don't know what's this city is like, there are guns and swords twice as big as yours at every corner. Gem replied: "Well to be honest, I haven't seen a sword bigger than mine, so I guess everyone should fear me." Gem left and continued his way to stickpage city. He walked a far distance to get there, and he finally saw a bridge leading to the city. Gem was crossing the bridge, and when he approached the city, he saw that it's like a normal city. Streets, cars, shops and it wasn't different from any other city. Gem finally entered the city, but he didn't find the wRHG building in front of him, so he had to find a taxi. But first, he wanted to explore the city. So he started looking around, but he wasn't watching his way. Suddenly, he walked in a quiet street, not noticing what could anticipate him. Without a warning, a group of mafia attacked Gem and pushed him to a corner and the leader pointed a gun to his head. Before Gem could do anything, the one with the gun said: "Give me your money!" and before Gem could reply the guy said again: "GIVE IT TO ME!" Gem said: "I don't have any." The terrorist quickly took Gem's bag hardly which caused Gem to fall. The terrorist felt how heavy the bag is and opened it and saw the sword, he looked at Gem and took the sword, but he got shocked by the electric power of the sword and fell down, the rest of the gang helped him to stand again, but he was furious, so he quickly took his gun and pointed it at Gem and he shot the bullet right at Gem's head. But before it was going to kill Gem, a man with a sword, used his sword to reflect the bullet and it shot one of the gang. The rest of them headed towards the man, but he stabbed the first in his stomach, and then jumped over the other two and killed them both, then he quickly ran out of sight. Gem didn't see the man's face, he only saw a shadow like the man was wearing black. Gem was nervous and he took his bag and the sword and ran quickly. Gem started to look for a taxi and he found one, he told him that he wants to go to the wRHG building and the man said: "Ride in."

As Gem entered the taxi, he started to think about what happened to him, and if it was right to come here. The taxi man noticed that Gem was nervous and has a lot going at his mind, so he asked him: "Why do you want to go to the wRHG building?" Gem replied: "It's not of your business." The man said: "Not of my business? It is my business, it was all my business!" Gem said as he's looking to the man: "What you mean?!" The man said: "Do you want to know? You said it's not my business.." Gem said: "But it is." The man said: "OK. As long as you want to know..When I was 20 years old, I joined the wRHG. I had skills and everything. When I first gone there, no one actually wanted to be friends with me or hang out, they were just ignoring me or avoiding me. When I started to fight, my skills started to show. And I was incomparable. I started to blend in, and everyone liked me, but after a while, I noticed that everybody is like..scared of me, of what I can do. And it wasn't long til' I got sad of it and didn't want to fight anymore..I was done killing people, I quit the wRHG." Gem said: "But..Didn't you get money and..glory?!" The man said: "I did. I got it all. But sometimes..It doesn't satisfy you enough.." Gem said: "So, you think I should not fight in there?" The man said: "It's up to you if you want or not, my opinion doesn't matter to you..You have the power. But remember, trust your friends." Gem looked strangely into the man, thinking about his choice. But the taxi has arrived at the building and Gem looked at it, and how huge it was. The man said: "So. Here we are..Is there any where else I can get you, sir?" Gem replied: "No, thanks." as he stepped out of the taxi. Gem slowly entered the building, as he saw a white painted hallway and some couches and strange looking people..He stood there a few moments contemplating the place, as he took a few steps forward to the receptionist. He said: "Hi. I want to apply to the wRHG.." She looked up to him and said: "What's in your bag?!" Gem said: "OH. It's my sword." As he pulled out the sword, the receptionist's face appeared to be shocked, and she said: "Hmm. OK. Fill out this form and here's your room number and your ID.." Gem appeared to be satisfied and not worried anymore. As he filled out his form and headed to his room, he knocked the door, but no one answered, Gem opened the door and saw no one in there. Gem thought that his partner could be still didn't come. Gem laid on his bed thinking about what could happen here, he was tired from the trip, so he fell asleep. After 2 hours, Gem suddenly heard his room door knocking, he woke up and opened the door. He said: "Hello?" When he saw a guy slightly taller than him and has a short white hair, wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans with a coat, wearing gloves and carrying a laptop. The guy said: "Hi." back. Gem said: "Soooo. What are you doing at my room?!" The guy replied: "I'm here cause it's my room." As he's pointing out his room number." Gem said: "OH...Yeah, OK. Welcome, room mate." while he was smiling. Then as the guy entered the room, Gem asked him: "What's your name?!" The guy said: "Zephyr. And yours?" Gem said: "Gem.....So, uhh. What you like doing?" Zephyr replied: "Well, right now I would like a rest!" Gem said: "Yeah..Agreed." So, as they both sit down. Gem said: "Hey, why are you here..I mean at the wRHG?" Zephyr said: "I'me here to fight." Gem said: "Fight for what??" Zephyr replied: "I want to fight..for my civilization." Gem said: "Civilization?! What civilization?" Zephyr replied: "The A'va-Kaith." Gem said surprisingly: "I...never heard of it. In what country is it?" Zephyr replied: "It's not in any country..It's not in this dimension." Gem said: "What?!" Zephyr continued: "I'm from another dimension, I was fighting for my civilization, when the enemy trained some warriors to assassinate us." Gem said: "Us?!" Zephyr said: "Yeah. Us. I was fighting with my brothers, we were six and we were trained, but now we're separate, and I want to unite us back." Gem said: "Then..look for them..I am, I feel that they will come here sooner or later, and when they do..I'll be here. OH, yeah. Why are you here?" Gem replied: "I'm here to train my skills and fight people, I saw an ad on TV, and I came here." Zephyr said: "And what abilities do you have?" Gem said: "Me?" As he pulled out his sword. "I only have this sword, it was my grandfather's.." Zephyr said: "OH. Did he fight here, too?!" Gem replied: "No, he fought for a group called Jendoh, to protect the world." Zephyr said: "OH..Hmm. You should be proud then." Gem said: "I am.." Zephyr said: "Yeah.."

At about 6:00 am, Gem was sleeping again, when Zephyr was awake, he saw the bag under Gem's bed with the sword in it. He approached the bag, and before he could take the bag, Gem hold his arm and said: "What are you doing?!" Zephyr stood silent for a moment and said: "The power of the sword could help me return to my dimension.." Gem said: "What?! The sword can't travel through dimensions." Zephyr said: "I have powers, too." As he showed Gem his aura threads. "I can combine my power to the sword's and be able to travel through dimensions." Gem said: "But it's my sword, I can't let it go." Zephyr said: "My civilization's future is more important." Gem said: "What will happen to the sword?" Zephyr replied: "I don't know..." Gem refused to give Zephyr the sword, so Zephyr decided to take it by power..and said: "If you don't give me the sword..I'll have to use my power on you.." Gem said: "Try it." Zephyr quickly used his threads and it came out of his gloves and it glowed red. He made a cut in Gem's arm and pushed him back to the wall and broke it, but Gem still had his sword, and used it to rap his threads around it and push zephyr back, they both fell from the floor. Gem quickly used the sword to hold on to the walls, and Zephyr used his threads to hang with Gem. Gem broke a window near him and entered it and pulled Zephyr towards him. And he smashed right into the sword, but before he changed his threads' mode, and quickly started to glow green, and when the sword hit him, it had no effect. He rapped up the threads around Gem and started pushing him towards his fists. Gem used the light beam in the sword to push him up and break the ceiling, which made Zephyr hanging again, and they both went to the top of the building, both on their feet. Zephyr glowed blue this time. And Gem ran towards him with the sword, Zephyr used his threads to grab the sword, but Gem was still hanging on with it. But Zephyr's threads were more powerful and grabbed the sword and started hitting Gem with his threads, but Gem was able to find a door and opened it and closed it again before the threads could leave, he grabbed it and tied it into a ladder, and while zephyr was trying to grab his threads, Gem opened the door and jumped as the ladder went with the threads towards Zephyr hitting him hard. Zephyr fell down and dropped the sword, Gem took it back. But before he could do anything else, Zephyr grabbed his legs with his threads and pulled Gem towards him. He tried to cut his threads with the sword but he didn't succeed. Gem let go of himself which caused him to head with power into zephyr, pointing the sword first, hitting zephyr in the face and he went flying. The threads was still hanging on to the sword, so Gem used it and grabbed Zephyr back, hitting him with the sword again and finally pushing him into a wall. Zephyr turned his threads red and blue at the same time and cut Gem hard. Which made Gem fall in pain, and drain blood. Zephyr was still weak from the fight, but he was able to take the sword..And when the threads merged with the sword, Zephyr felt the electricity of the sword which shocked all his body and started to feel painful. But Zephyr insisted to unite with his brothers so he continued merging the threads with the sword and using all of his aura power. And when Gem pointed his head up he saw Zephyr glowing all white with his threads, too. And said: "Zephyr! NO!" As the threads started to glow more and more. Happened a big explosion in the spot Zephyr was standing in. And the explosion only hurt that spot. After the explosion, Gem saw his sword and a dark spot due to the explosion, Zephyr disappeared, and since that day, Gem didn't know what happened to Zephyr, and if he was able to return back home...

Bladed Fire
05-05-2013, 07:34 AM
All of you vote this battle or it will be a draw.

Avalon
05-05-2013, 08:53 AM
Accidentally vote Zephyr, sorry.

THEFORCE
05-05-2013, 12:54 PM
Great job on your story Zephyr. A very great explain to the fight. :) Good job man.

kingkickass2013
05-05-2013, 01:15 PM
THEFORCE: I saw something that I had problems with as well. "Commas man they are your friend, but if you abuse them then they will abuse you as well." Said kingkickass2013, that's another thing. Don't continuously keep saying said and replied when in a part of when a person is talking, its rather annoying to see the words "said" and "replied" all the time.

Tonan: Your supposed to put a space in between a period and a word (EXAMPLE, period space word : . word), the ending was kinda lazily done, I mean after you just beat the shit out of your enemy your all of the sudden best friends. WATS UP WITH DAT? You got my vote.

THEFORCE
05-05-2013, 01:44 PM
THEFORCE: I saw something that I had problems with as well. "Commas man they are your friend, but if you abuse them then they will abuse you as well." Said kingkickass2013, that's another thing. Don't continuously keep saying said and replied when in a part of when a person is talking, its rather annoying to see the words "said" and "replied" all the time.

Tonan: Your supposed to put a space in between a period and a word (EXAMPLE, period space word : . word), the ending was kinda lazily done, I mean after you just beat the shit out of your enemy your all of the sudden best friends. WATS UP WITH DAT? You got my vote.

:S If I didn't say replied and said, then what else? Also I know I have grammar mistakes...Sorry.

Plus, I never abused commas...?

kingkickass2013
05-05-2013, 01:58 PM
As he was changing the channels, he suddenly saw and ad, but before he could see it, he changed the channel, so he quickly changed it back, it was an ad for something called wRHG.

At this line right here was the first incident I found, The edits are in red and also I had to get rid of one comma since it didn't really belong.

As he was changing the channels, he suddenly saw and ad. but before he could see it, he changed the channel so he quickly changed it back. it was an ad for something called wRHG.

If I am wrong and higher powers known as megawriters come in and tell me this then I apologize for wrong criticism.

THEFORCE
05-05-2013, 03:54 PM
As he was changing the channels, he suddenly saw and ad, but before he could see it, he changed the channel, so he quickly changed it back, it was an ad for something called wRHG.

At this line right here was the first incident I found, The edits are in red and also I had to get rid of one comma since it didn't really belong.

As he was changing the channels, he suddenly saw and ad. but before he could see it, he changed the channel so he quickly changed it back. it was an ad for something called wRHG.

If I am wrong and higher powers known as megawriters come in and tell me this then I apologize for wrong criticism.

OH. I see now. But can't it be forgiven?

Triss
05-05-2013, 05:55 PM
Well, first of all, this is what I think:
Zephyr: From what I saw, your story was good, and you used spacing on your writing. Also you seemed to know how to use punctuation.
But even with spacing, your words are sticking to each other like a glue. Use a paragraph

THEFORCE: Well, yours are sticking out much more. But within the concept of story, you put more effort, and your story itself was better.
But still, you need a paragaph.

Now, I will choose THEFORCE. His story is much better, although the story itself almost have no spacing.

kingkickass2013
05-05-2013, 08:14 PM
You know what's funny, I saw a grammar error on the VERY first word in THEFORCE'S story.

He forgot to finish the word "It" and ended up spelling "t"

THEFORCE
05-05-2013, 08:43 PM
You know what's funny, I saw a grammar error on the VERY first word in THEFORCE'S story.

He forgot to finish the word "It" and ended up spelling "t"

I'm pretty sure I wrote it in pastebin..Maybe tonan just didn't highlight it.

tonan15
05-06-2013, 01:55 AM
thanks for the CnC guys

THEFORCE- whoops sorry i could blame the mouse but it was really me once again sorry and i liked your story better, story wise its much better. It's probably cuz i took writing seriously only now i used to make stories when i was bored but i never actually put it into writing and for some reason i have a habit that makes it hard for me to put pen to paper even when typing i have this habit so i guess i'm really laconic (for people who don't know this word means that a person says/writes only the bare essentials so that one is understood).

kingkickass- lol "ending was lazily done" but i got your vote ??? but anyways thanks and thanks on the spacing thing i thought it looked alright (ohh well you can't please everybody but that's what CnC is for right) and yeah i'm not really good story wise but i guess i'm imaginative in the battle cuz i play a ton of violent games.

Triss- thanks i thought i didn't use the puctuations too well (i've alwayd had a problem with them that sometimes a story becomes just one sentence and yeah id better improve on my spacing.

Avalon-it's fine THEFORCE is leading anyways so no sweat.

And guys you can just call me ton.

tonan15
05-06-2013, 02:33 AM
well at least it entertained you guys somehow and well that's the main reason i don't write a lot (and when i do it's usually in a private notebook) since i don't have a clue on how to write feelings and i hope i can learn it here.

tonan15
05-06-2013, 03:25 AM
a lot to learn then

kingkickass2013
05-06-2013, 03:38 AM
i'd just like to say that me and a friend had fun doing dramatic readings of your stories last night because both of them are fucking terrible.

Here's my cnc: both of you basically lack substance, and a hatred for the carriage return. The difference is, ton's run-ons are description-laden while THEFORCE's run-ons are dialogue-laden. I seriously couldn't read both walls of texts without getting an aneurysm. There's no emotion, proofreading, or sense that went into both stories. And the crazy part is THEFORCE is actually the worse offender. Why the fuck is he winning?

Yes its all coming together now, I see now how this is played READ BELOW WHAT HEWITT SAID.


Guys stop talking about voting based on preference. At least comment on the story and say WHY it's better instead of circlejerking each other on who's improved and who's better because they are. CNC-ing on fights in a story...whether helpful or not is a good indicator that whoever voted for you, did so because they actually found it better, and not because they're your brother or friend or some shit.

I find it retarded that whoever battles Lethal will instantly get a -1 against you just because a speechless sibling can't be bothered to read a couple of words and make an actual judgement. It is as retarded as a pissing contest of popularity, that determines a result we are already aware of (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?57054-StickPage-Lifetime-Achievement-Award-Qualifications-Poll). There is no rule against this but it is frowned upon and seen as bad form. Count your points and your blessings. But those mean nothing when you're talking about skill or the improvement thereof.

YES I am coming close to the secret on how to win this game....... (joking there is no secret but it appears popularity dominates over actual story writing (with the one exception of a really short story vs a really long story))

WOW this sounds very stupid and I am going to shut up now.

THEFORCE
05-06-2013, 01:39 PM
i'd just like to say that me and a friend had fun doing dramatic readings of your stories last night because both of them are fucking terrible.

Here's my cnc: both of you basically lack substance, and a hatred for the carriage return. The difference is, ton's run-ons are description-laden while THEFORCE's run-ons are dialogue-laden. I seriously couldn't read both walls of texts without getting an aneurysm. There's no emotion, proofreading, or sense that went into both stories. And the crazy part is THEFORCE is actually the worse offender. Why the fuck is he winning?

Aww. Weren't there anyhting "positive" in our stories?? It is both our first.

Chamel
05-06-2013, 01:52 PM
JUDGMENTAL BITCH MODE ACTIVATE!!

Honestly I did not like either story.

-The way both of you did dialogue is disgusting.
-You both forgot about your friend, the TAB button.
-And don't forget your best friend, the ENTER button.

TONAN:
"As Gem was about to rush at his opponent and finish the battle he suddenly felt pressure on his neck, he could see gold threads around it like a noose as he was about to cut it with his sword he felt a tug on his arms and legs because they too were tied with threads then it occurred to him that those punches were too easy to dodge and that that was the time when the threads were planted."
ONE comma? Break it up. There are other instances, but this one killed me the most. USE COMMAS/PERIODS correctly.

THEFORCE:
WAAAY too many commas. Not every sentence (little exaggeration there) requires a comma. Some sentences do not need commas to flow smoothly. I read it and this thought went through my head. "Comma splice... Incorrect use... Incorrect use... Splice... No, no, no, no... ETC".
WORK ON COMMA PLACEMENT AND USE.

You both also need to look out for grammar usage and tenses. Didn't spot too many issues, but those are tricky. KEEP AN EYE OUT.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They were pretty bad, but not unacceptable for a first battle. Work on those points and others that everyone else gives and work on it.
Story-lines are important too!! Plan it out rather than just "winging it".

VOTING STATUS: ABSTENTION

THEFORCE
05-06-2013, 02:18 PM
Yeah, OK.

zanbyull
05-06-2013, 06:15 PM
Great job tonan, you got my vote! THEFORCE, you were great too!

Triss
05-06-2013, 06:48 PM
*Totally Ermahgerd Specific and Correct Critique
I guess the best critic for the wRHG is this guy.

pluto_kun
05-06-2013, 10:19 PM
Asia has Great Wall of China, and StickPage has Great Wall o' Text.
...This is the general summary of my comment after reading.

Chamel
05-07-2013, 06:54 AM
Haha, just saw that I basically did what you said Hew. My bad. Honestly didn't see that comment.. Oh well.

THEFORCE
05-08-2013, 12:56 AM
Quick question: Does what happens in fights, affects my next fights? Like, does this affect my next fight on storyline? Or just doesn't affect anything?

pluto_kun
05-08-2013, 01:12 AM
I guess it is up to you, but it seems that most people's fight results have some degree of influence over their next battles.

edit :: got ninja'd o.o

_Ai_
05-08-2013, 01:19 AM
Took a quick look at the stories, but...oh my.
It's too much, I have to say something.

Tonan.
It's better than force, for sure. At least there's spacing.

Force.
Wall of text. Not bothering to space them at all. And comas.

A story with a good layout will get me reading it, but this...
I'm just voting Tonan for spacing that he had done.

THEFORCE
05-08-2013, 07:09 AM
Yeah, sorry. I just made this on a rush, that I didn't even bother spacing.

zanbyull
05-09-2013, 06:55 AM
Two more votes for tonan, then its a tie :) at least you guys got expirience and got cnc XD

THEFORCE
05-09-2013, 05:09 PM
Two more votes for tonan, then its a tie :) at least you guys got expirience and got cnc XD

LOL. Tough CnC. But I guess that just means we have to improve a lot to be able to satisfy the critics.

tonan15
05-09-2013, 07:53 PM
yeah that's true and it's a apart of life change and improvement. we have to improve our writing skills and change our writing habits

THEFORCE
05-09-2013, 09:24 PM
I actually never wrote a story before. Except for one in the last semester xD