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zanbyull
05-28-2013, 08:14 AM
Okay, so... first fight for both of us. Cnc appreciated but please prevent remarks that are likely to make us cry :o
Anyway, here's our RHG pages
http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?57869-Pencillum-quot-The-Lead-quot
http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?60355-Crow-the-lacrima-eater

And the fights:

So here's mine:


Stickpage City
Shopping and resto district
7:58am
May 20, 2013

“You seem quite pleased with yourself.” Algracia said as Crow walked out of the café, almost dragging the bag full of various cheesecakes behind him.
“There’s nothing better in life than cheesecakes. You gotta try them once you get your body back.” Crow said with his mouth stuffed with cheesecake.
“I my favorite is the blueberry-“ Someone bumbed into him with so much force, he dropped the bag of cheesecakes on the ground and spilled cheesecake everywhere.
“Hey man, my shirt!” Said an unfamiliar voice. “You got crap all over it!”
Crow looked up at the new person. He was skinnier than Crow, had very messy hair and wore a plain white polo and what appeared to be the glasses that looked huge like binoculars. He didn’t look all that dangerous, and didn’t look that annoyed at all; friendly even.
“C-c-crap?!” Crow said through clenched teeth and watery eyes. This guy didn’t seem to get it, he was trying to be friendly, but failed utterly. “I spent all my cash on those… you… you bump-“
“You better watch where you’re going next time! Seriously, I mean especially with all that dumb cake you’re carrying-“Crow punched the guy in the gut. He wasn’t going to let this pushover insult the glory of cheesecakes, but the guy jumped back 6 feet, looking untouched.
“HEY! That’s not cool man. But if you insist.” The cheesecake hater pulled out some pencils out of nowhere.
“…” Crow squinted at him for a while and they stood in silence. “Are you seeing this Algracia, or do I need to visit the optimist?”
“I, uhh… I can see the pencils as much as you. And it’s ophthalmologist.”
“Stop it. These can kill you!” The new guy yelled and threw one of the pencils at Crow with surprisingly fast speed. Crow dodged to the left and it missed barely and hit the stop sign behind him. Pedestrians were now looking at them.
“So you wanna tussle huh? LETS F%CKING TUSSLE!” Crow ran toward him with blinding agility and burning rage. “Fire Algracia!” He yelled at the top of his voice.
“Coming right up!” She said as a small red stone materialized on Crow’s palm and he took a bite before he punched the cheesecake hater. His fist was engulfed in fire as it hit the guy’s chest. He was took by surprised and flew a feet back and landed on his feet perfectly.
“Not bad, guy. But you’re still no match for me!” He threw four pencils at Crow’s direction. One exploded to his right and the other three flew past his head. Crow Jumped to the left, he was hurt by the explosion and needed to find cover. The pedestrians who were watching with intent just a few moments ago now started running all over the place.
“ You don’t seriously want to hurt all these civilians?” Algracia said as Crow dodged another two pencils by inches. Crow jumped behind a fire hydrant which barely concealed his skinny ass. He stared at space for about 7 seconds and then another two pencils hit the fire hydrant. Water was flying everywhere as Crow jumped away from it.
“These pencils are freakin sharp, don’cha think Algracia?” Crow dove behind a dumpster before a pencil exploded where he had just been standing, sending debris everywhere.
“We need to isolate the fighting. Leaf lacrima please.” Crow had that sparkle In his eyes, it meant he was up to something brilliant. A green stone similar to the red one earlier appeared in his palm. He took a tiny bite from it and felt a green aura around him.
“Phase one, change battlefield to give self advantage.” Crow whispered to Algracia under his breath as he jumped over the dumpster. Shot his hand out at the ground. Instantly, thick, brown roots started growing out of the asphalt and began to run across the street. Another clump root circled around to the left and covered the whole street from the 4th avenue.
“Trying to make cover for yourself eh?” The pencil pusher said as he threw a single pencil faster than the others at Crow. It hit him on the shoulder as he jumped behind one of the thick clumps of roots. Crow clutched his shoulder hard and hit the ground behind the roots.
“Your cover will be useless now.”But Crow wasn’t listening. He concentrated and tried to move some roots behind the guy unseen.
“Damn, it’s poison isn’t it?” Crow bit his lip after he pulled out the pencil out. He suddenly started to feel wheezy and tired. He started coughing hard. “Ahh that sucks…”
“That’s powerful stuff I hit you with. It won’t be a while till you stop moving. Until then, why don’t you surrender? And why don’t you get over your love of cheesy cakes?”
Crow felt as though he went into an adrenaline rush. He smiled.
“If you haven’t noticed, the roots and trees spread all around the street behind you.” Crow called over to pencil guy. He was out of sight, so he stood up.
The pencil thrower’s smile slowly disappeared as he turned around.
“My real intention was to surround you in these trees.” Crow said as Algracia summoned a fancy dumpling that would soon restore his health and energy, but would take up his final use for the whole battle.
“What’s your point? Are you some sort of tree hugger?” Pencil guy asked as he cautiously walked toward the sound of Crow’s voice.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. Sarcastic laugh bitch. Here I come!” Crow yelled at the pencil lover.
“Ha! Bring it! You’re poisoned anyway! Take your best shot!!!!” The pencil guy yelled around the empty street, covered in the brown roots and tall, thin trees.
But instead of meeting the Pencil guy in battle, Crow walked away from the street, chuckling as he left the pencil guy there waiting for the attack from Crow that would never come.
“Those trees are called pyrofranctis explodus.” He explained as he tried to hail a cab. “They are easily combustible and would blow up the block at the hint of a spark, he’s practically standing in the middle of a giant landmine.” The taxi driver gave him a funny look and drove off as Crow reached for the door.
“What the- damn it. Oh well, might as well finish it.” Crow said, turning to face the street covered in trees. “I have to get to the hospital, this poison isn’t going to give up.”
He help his hand out at the clump of trees and his finger shot a tiny spark at towards one of the roots. The street exploded and remains of cars and shattered glass flew everywhere. Crow could hear someone scream “MY GLASSES!!!!”
“Now to get more cheesecakes.” Crow said as he put his hand in his pocket and walked away from the burning street. He could hear sirens in the distance, and people screaming. He took another look at the flaming scene.
“Oh yeah, buildings burn.” He started to run toward the wRHG building.
“Lol.” He laughed all the way there.



And Merich1's


Crow walked quickly through the halls of the wRHG facility.
“Crow! I have an idea!” Algracia shouted, from her position strapped on Crow’s back. Crow ignored her.
“No, I mean it! This one’s good!”
“That’s contradictory, Algracia. Ideas can’t both be thought of by you and be good.”
Algracia sighed. Or, at least, she appeared to sigh, as it is hard to decipher if someone is sighing when they are a metal katana.
“I give up.”
Crow ignored her, and turned left out of the huge hallway and into Arena 17. Pencillum stood in the middle of the arena, with a small smile.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Always,” replied Crow.
Pencillum began counting down.
“Five.”
“Four.”
“Three.”
Suddenly, a pencil whizzed through the air and buried itself in Crow’s shoulder.
“You didn’t really think I would attack at zero, did you?” smirked Pencillum.
“Great…” sighed Crow. “Fancy dumpling lacrima, please?”
“This early? But… fine.”
Crow saw a lacrima shaped like a dumpling appear in his hand.
“Titanium lacrima, please?”
“Ah… I see.”
Crow saw a metal lacrima appear next to the dumpling lacrima in his hand. He popped the two lacrimas in his mouth. “Mmm... dumpling,” he said, as a metal forcefield formed around him and the wound from the pencil in his shoulder disappeared.
Half a second later, seven pencils flew at the forcefield. Upon impact, they created a small dent.
“Great…” Crow moaned, and secretly asked Algracia for a lightning lacrima.
More pencils continued to dent the forcefield, as Algracia surreptitiously handed a lightning lacrima to Crow, who surreptitiously ate it.
“RAHHH!!!” Crow yelled, for no reason, as the entire metal forcefield suddenly became charged with electricity. Stunned, Pencillum stood there for a moment, before he was knocked to the ground with another burst of lightning.
“Heh. You barely put up a fight.”
“Oh?” Pencillum got up and showed Crow a singed Pencil of Magnetism.
Crow stared at Pencillum, before realizing that this gave Pencillum a perfect opportunity to attack. He wondered why Pencillum had not taken this opportunity.
Suddenly, Algracia yelled in a loud voice, “You’re still in the forcefield, idiot!”
“Uh… I knew that,” replied Crow.
Pencillum paused for a moment, then took out a single pencil. “I’m not going to break through your forcefield anytime soon. So why not let luck decide this…”
With that, he threw the pencil at the forcefield.
It flew right at the forcefield and melted into a puddle of water when it hit.
“Oops, wrong pencil,” chuckled Pencillum, as another pencil flew through the air.
Both the pencil and the forcefield disappeared. Crow quickly casted another forcefield before a pencil could get through. “Hey, did that forcefield turn into a giant metal ball before disappearing, or was that just me?”
“Hmmm…” murmured Pencillum, and threw another Pencil of Improbability.
Both fighters were instantly transported to the base of a mountain.
“I think I win. Now, I have to leave. Bye, and nice fight!” shouted Pencillum, as he ran away quickly.
“Uh… what?”
Algracia frantically yelled, “Look behind you!”
Crow turned around and saw a giant metal ball rolling down the mountain directly at him.
One minute later, Pencillum returned and saw Crow lying down on the ground.
“Well? Do I win?”
Crow moaned, and Pencillum skipped away, singing “We’re Off To See The Wizard” in a Transylvanian accent.

Xate
05-28-2013, 08:42 AM
Well...I'm very new here at wRHG and not native English, so my CnC might not be accurate or enough. But here goes nothing:
Merich1:Is it just me or your story is short? Very short compared to Zanbyull. Also there's a lack of description about characters' appearances.
Zanbyull:Well, I saw a few grammar errors in there. Proof-read is your friend. Nice job overall.
And there's something both of you lack. Double spacing. That will make your story much more easier to read.
Well...Since Zanbyull's story is much more entertaining, he got my vote.

Triss
05-28-2013, 09:05 AM
Well, my CnC.

BOTH: Have you ever used the keyboard before? Cause there exists a special button called "ENTER". This can give your story much better pace, and totally better looks. It will certainly affect your rating in front of my eyes.

BOTH: Story too short. A decent story usually exists in 1000+ word, or 5000+ character more. I would greatly appreciate such well-thought works, and I value them highly. The only good thing that both of your stories have for being too short of a story, is your lack of spacing. If it's 1000 word or more.....I just couldn't read it.

zanbyull: You definitely throw a much better effort than merich. However, your lack of spirit to make a story SICKENS ME. 4/10

merich1: In a way you failed to create an impression to me. Your lack of spirit is even worse than zanbyull. And your story, is just a guy-met a guy, and hitting each others with their own respective clubs. 3/10

At least thought a little and use your imagination to create a story. For a better effort (yet still lacking), I'll pick zanbyull.

_Ai_
05-28-2013, 09:49 AM
I'm keeping in mind that the both of you are new in writing, so I'll go easy on you two.

Zanbyull : Please refrain from using LOL. It kinda destroys the story. And please fill in more action then dialogue. I see them talking more than fighting. Also remove those "Aah" and "...". Censorship doesnt make any sense.

Merich : Take your time writing; it seems you made it in one go. Kinda the same as above, you both are quite similar. But the good thing is, you didnt use lol.

And because of that lol im voting merich.
But wait. Crow put on more effort, and that made me vote Zanbyull.

Xate
05-28-2013, 09:57 AM
And you vote for zanbyull, Ai...-_-...

ErrorBlender
05-28-2013, 10:00 AM
I agree with Triss, well spaced paragraphs will help ease the reader into your work. Instead, we see a block of text. Your stories' length is lacking for me as well.

In Zanbyull's entry, I could make out tiny spelling errors but nothing a good proof read could have erased. Your story had a better feel to it than merich1's and had a nice background. Keep up the good work. Try to keep the battle intense, show us difficulty, show us hardships and advantages. Have you seen awesome fights like Optimus and Megatron, each of them had their times winning and losing. Show us the variety you can. Just needs a bit more 'oomph' to it.

In merich1's entry, it was very short, it was as if they met, brawled and one lost in the span of mere minutes. You could add more descriptions, especially to the world around your characters and themselves. Give the readers something to imagine. You simply said that they went into an arena and didn't describe anything else. It was too quick. A great story is a well thought out one.

Overall, I see zanbyull's entry had more work put into it. So I have to choose his.

zanbyull
05-28-2013, 06:18 PM
Ok, yeah sorry about the LOL. I guess i shouldn't have put that, and thanks for the comments and stuff. Let's see how this turns out ^_^
Triss, my count said my story was at around 1300 words. That's what i see anyway.

Chamel
05-28-2013, 06:47 PM
Well, my CnC.

BOTH: Have you ever used the keyboard before? Cause there exists a special button called "ENTER". This can give your story much better pace, and totally better looks. It will certainly affect your rating in front of my eyes.

BOTH: Story too short. A decent story usually exists in 1000+ word, or 5000+ character more. I would greatly appreciate such well-thought works, and I value them highly. The only good thing that both of your stories have for being too short of a story, is your lack of spacing. If it's 1000 word or more.....I just couldn't read it.

zanbyull: You definitely throw a much better effort than merich. However, your lack of spirit to make a story SICKENS ME. 4/10

merich1: In a way you failed to create an impression to me. Your lack of spirit is even worse than zanbyull. And your story, is just a guy-met a guy, and hitting each others with their own respective clubs. 3/10

At least thought a little and use your imagination to create a story. For a better effort (yet still lacking), I'll pick zanbyull.

Knock off of how I CnC'd a few times, Triss, you're dead to me. Arvine is dead to Chance. Deal wid it


Aaaanyway, Can't CnC too well, can only use my phone atm... but I will review it as soon as I can

kingkickass2013
05-29-2013, 02:29 AM
YOUR STORIES ARE TOO DAMN SMALL!

However, I found Zanybull's story since he didn't have 1 word sentences.

merich1
05-29-2013, 06:35 AM
Thanks for the CnC everybody. Looks like I'm going to lose this one badly. Now I'm just itching for another fight to fix my mistakes. Great.

Is it acceptable to write "practice matches" and post them in the Original Literature section for review? Like, I write up a battle against a random wRHG?

Also, I will now begin to make my wRHG page more detailed.

ErrorBlender
05-29-2013, 06:59 AM
It's better that you make practice matches with a random wRHG you made up. Like his enemy, that way you could practice while forwarding and building your character with history.

zanbyull
05-31-2013, 01:10 PM
You did a great job though merich. No hard feelings bruh?

Chamel
05-31-2013, 04:36 PM
If you read this Merich, I'd like to see how Pencilium does against Chance. Use him for one of your practice writings to get the feel of using other people's characters (as that xan be hard to do sometime).

merich1
05-31-2013, 06:30 PM
If you read this Merich, I'd like to see how Pencilium does against Chance. Use him for one of your practice writings to get the feel of using other people's characters (as that xan be hard to do sometime).

Alright, thanks.

Rochedan
06-01-2013, 08:25 AM
Aah well, I stumbled on the first grammar error in Crow's story. So you got my vote Merich :D

zanbyull
06-04-2013, 01:27 AM
A reminder, the poll ends tonight so I will be available for another fight. Good fight merich1, good luck with your next fight! :D