View Full Version : Acel the Speed Demon vs Mccaw the Saint(VOTE HERE)

The Organization
06-27-2013, 07:56 PM
Deadline: 06/27/2013
Location: Arena 223, wRHG park
500 word minimum, no maximum
Cecelia Q. Graves aka Acel (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?69640-Vicar-04-Acel)
Mccaw "the saint" Rindar (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?69647-Mccaw-the-Saint)

The Organization (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?197384-The-Organization)

OPERATION 01: Acel vs Mccaw Rindar
01: Rosa Diamante

“Let’s confirm the mission,” announced the operator, as Acel’s television stopped showing Mariana Pineda, and started to show statistics about her new opponent. The voice was female, but it wasn’t Kayla because she never had such an accent.

“A wRHG challenge was issued by Mr. Mccaw Rindar also known as the Saint.”

As the picture of the challenger appeared, Acel giggled. Her challenger look like a cross between a shaolin monk and a vagrant. Other than his bald head and scarred eye, the man had no outstanding characteristics.

“I’m fighting a Cyclops,” she thought.

“Any time you are issued a challenge through the wRHG system, Command will intercept it and alert you beforehand. However, due to wRHG regulations, you will not be allowed to have an operator during the match. The battle with Mr. Rindar has been scheduled for tomorrow at noon.”

Acel checked the date in the top right corner, wondering if this battle would conflict with her entry in the tournament. Luckily, it was the 19th and the tournament would be on the 21st, giving her just enough time to rest after the fight tomorrow.

“Despite this being an official wRHG challenge, you are under no obligation to the Organization to defeat the challenger. Your main objective will be to gain as much information on his abilities and fighting techniques as possible. Mccaw Rindar is a mystery to us, his records, even if they might exist, cannot be found online and we have no information on his previous battles. He seems to be a new competitor in the wRHG as well.” explained the Operator.

“However, successfully defeating Mr. Rindar will increase your rank in the wRHG system and attract stronger opponents as well,” she continued, “The battle will take place at Arena 223 in wRHG station; it’s a park with a small lake nearby, avoid civilian casualties at all costs. I don’t think I need to tell you this, but you will be representing the Organization so we need you to make a good first impression.”

“Is that all Operator?” asked Acel.

“From what little information we have gathered, Mccaw Rindar is skilled in both close quarters combat and marksmanship. Use the Aether shield to protect you from long range fire, and avoid engaging in direct combat. However, you have the speed advantage, so a hit-and-run tactic is viable option in this case. Also please avoid causing too much collateral damage,” she added.

“Excellent, thank you,” responded Acel.

“Those are your orders.” Said the new operator as she signed off, the television immediately returning to Acel’s favorite telenovela, paused exactly where she had left off. Mariana had just been knocked off the road by hitmen who had been hired by the same man who had killed her husband.

Acel un-paused the video, but she couldn’t enjoy the drama and action of Mariana Pineda like she usually could. Reality kept getting in the way of her fantasies.

“A fighter that the Organization doesn’t know about…He must cover his tracks really well,” she thought.

Before moving to Stickpage, the Organization was all that Acel really knew. She had no memory of her childhood, and the few years that she could remember before the Organization were dark places that she dared not venture. Acel was used to having a lot more information than this. As an agent, she simply had to follow orders and make quick decisions. Operators like Kayla, were there to provide useful real-time information, and a good laugh or two also. Ever since she had been promoted to Vicar, Acel could feel her bond to the Organization waning.

Since Vicars work outside of the Organization, similar to missionaries of the Church, they garnered a level of autonomy that Acel felt uncomfortable with. Her connection with the Organization was the only thing she had in life and without it, the loneliness would devour her.

Mariana knew how Acel felt, her husband had been murdered and she had sent her children away to protect them. She was alone too, but she was strong. Despite getting knocked off the road by crazy hitmen, she managed to swerve back onto the road and evade them afterward.

“Yo necessita estar fuerte,” whispered Acel to herself, reciting Mariana’s catchphrase.

02: Mad Men
The wRHG console stuck out like a big white sore thumb in the otherwise pristine park devoid of any other technology. The grass was a vibrant healthy shade of green and was trimmed better than Superior’s personal putting green. The lake was gorgeous and crystal clear, catching the rays of the Sun at its highest point in the sky and scattering them across its surface. Had Acel known how to swim, she would have hopped in a heartbeat.

Across from the lake was a densely wooded area, seemingly devoid of wildlife, but filled with strong and healthy green trees. In fact, the park, although very beautiful, was completely empty. The bird calls that Acel heard suggested that the park did have life, but it was as if the park was cleared out.

Then she realized, the park was obviously closed down for the wRHG battle.

“Such a shame that they’re using this park for this.” She remarked.

Acel took another glance at the lake, “Why did Rindar have to choose to fight here?” she complained.

Wandering the park, Acel could find no traces Mccaw. Despite possessing super-speed, Acel preferred to take in the scenery. Also the tunnel vision of her ability made it extremely easy for her to overlook obvious things, so it was not very useful.
Since the sun was high up in the sky, it was pretty hot outside. Luckily, Acel was used to hot weather and she didn't even break a sweat. However, an empty park can only be interesting for so long. In her boredom, she decided that she would wait for Mr. Rindar on the suspicious looking black bench and leave if he didn't show up in an hour. Acel had a tournament to attend, and she didn't have time for no shows.

As she sat down on the bench, something felt really wrong with it.

“Mind getting off of me?”

“Oh sure,” replied Acel with a smile.

“Wait, did that bench just talk to me?” thought Acel.

“Why does everyone here treat me like a bench,” complained the bench.

Acel was dumbfounded, not only did the bench talk with her, it also complained that people were sitting on top of it.

“Probably, because you look like one,” asserted Acel.

Suddenly, the bench split in two, the black part slowly sliding off the wooden bench underneath it. It was then that Acel realized that it was actually a man, a strange man who had seemed to meld together with the bench, but a man no less.

“I was just sleeping here…” he said as he turned around, his blue headband flailing in the wind.

Immediately, Acel notice the huge scar on the man’s closed eye.

She smiled, brimming from cheek to cheek.

“You’re Mccaw right? Mccaw Rindar."

“Who wants to know,” he asked suspiciously.

“Ummm, I’m Cecelia, your party escort,” she mocked.

“Oh, so you’re the one I’m supposed to fight huh?” he stammered.

Mccaw seemed to be still half-asleep, but Acel could sense an intensity in him that wouldn't allow her to put her guard down.

“Allow me to properly introduce myself. I am Cecelia Q. Graves, Vicar 04 of the Organization, code-named Acel. Have you heard of the Organization before?” asked Acel sincerely.

“Nice to finally meet you Cecelia, and no I’m not interested in joining your religion,” he responded, “I’m only here for a fight.”

Acel was taken aback, she had no idea what this strange man was talking about.

“The Organization isn’t a religion, it’s an organization, and we don’t have to fight,” responded Acel.

All she had to do was gather combat data on the Rindar, and everything else was extraneous. Therefore, they didn't have to have a real fight and no one would get hurt.

“What do you mean we don’t have to fight? What are you trying to pull?” asked Mccaw angrily.

“Listen, I don’t care about the rankings, and I can tell you’re pretty strong. Why don’t we have a friendly spar instead?” suggested Acel.

“Ok ok, but what’s in it for me?” he responded cracking his fingers.

“I’ll forfeit our match so you win automatically and if you win our sparring match, I’ll buy you pizza. If I win, you just have to become my friend.”

“A free victory and a free pizza. Alright Cecelia, I’ll take you up on your offer.”

“It won’t be that easy pal,” thought Acel as she put on her visor.

03: Shaolin Showdown
“Whenever you’re ready,” said Mccaw as he started dropping his equipment, “Ladies first.”

“Don’t bother getting rid of your weapons, you won’t hit me with them anyway.”

“Oh really?”

Immediately, Acel was in range, her fist had already connected with Mccaw’s head and he was stumbling back.

“Yeah really!” she taunted.

Mccaw started to laugh, “I like you’re spirit. I thought you were all talk before, but that was a nice punch.”

Mccaw leapt forward, attempting to pounce on Acel, but she was way too fast for that.


A loud gunshot interrupted Acel’s remark. To her surprise, her Aether shield fizzed and crackled as it repaired itself.

“He predicted where I would end up? There’s no way he could have done that. This guy is definitely not normal,” Acel thought.

Continuing the onslaught, Acel rushed toward Mccaw directly who had braced for her attack. She banked to his left hopping slightly to hit him on the side of the head with her elbow, but it was a feint. Her afterimage disappeared and Acel roundhouse kicked Mccaw from his right. Adeptly, Mccaw ignored the feint catching Acel’s leg and wrapping his arm around her calves.

“How did you-“before she could finish her question, Mccaw slammed Acel into the ground. Luckily, she managed to catch herself with her hands.

“Take this!” she yelled.

Since, Mccaw was still holding on to her leg, Acel coiled up and used her super speed to jerk her legs forward. The resulting force lifted Mccaw of the ground and into the nearest tree.

Acel rushed in again, she had to keep the pressure up or Mccaw would find some way to neutralize her. He had already countered two of her attacks, even her old trainer Percy couldn't manage that. Worse yet, she couldn't sense any supernatural energy within him. He was keeping up with her through sheer willpower.

As the battle raged on, the two fighters exchanged blows although Acel got hit significantly less. Every time she went in to land a critical hit, Mccaw would bait her into an even more dangerous counter attack and force her to retreat. The two went back and forth like tennis, but neither one dropped the ball.

“Haven’t you had enough Cecelia?” asked Mccaw. He had a childish grin on his face, but it was clear the fight was going nowhere. He was getting tired and the fight was dragging on.

Acel had gathered a sufficient amount of data, but the warrior in her wanted to test her limits a bit.

“Let me try one more thing.” she called out.

Acel still had a couple more aces up her sleeve. Acel activated her hybrid form, her eyes changed from a crisp calm violet to an intense and powerful gold. The familiar warmth and pleasure from the power surging through her veins made her shake with excitement.

“Get ready!”

Acel moved so fast that the shock waves left cracks in the ground. Mccaw readied himself for the attack, but there was no way he could be ready for this.

She was stronger than before, each hit knocking him off his bearings. He had to do something or else he would be completely overpowered by her.

Suddenly, Acel sensed a sharp rise in power coming from Mccaw. Despite, the speed at which she was attacking, she could clearly see the difference in Mccaw. His normal eye was closed and his dead eye was open, bleeding as it stared into her soul.

“What the hell? What is that?!” thought Acel.

Mccaw, then smirked, moving his hands in an awkward position that offered no defense and no counter opportunities. He was completely open! Acel knew that this was a trap, and she tried to stop herself, but she was betrayed by her own momentum. Mccaw deflected Acel’s strike spinning her around and leaving her defenseless. Then in three adept movements, he hit the base of her spine, the back of her left lung, and the base of her neck.

Instantaneously, the power escaped her body, somehow forcibly ejected by Mccaw. Acel hit the ground in disbelief, as her eyes return to their natural purple hue and her mind was instantly cleared of the mental burden of the hybrid form.

Somehow, Mccaw Rindar had managed to disable her demon powers. She suspected it had something to do with that demonic eye of his, but she was so flabbergasted that she couldn't fathom what had actually occurred.

“A lady shouldn't lie sprawled out on floor like that,” joked Mccaw, offering her his hand.

“Thanks,” replied Acel as he lifted her up, “That counter-attack was really something. How did you manage to disable my demon powers like that?” inquired Acel.

“All I had to do was hit the right chi centers and it doesn't matter what kind of power you have if you can’t use it. Easy enough to redirect the energy flow,” bragged Mccaw.

“Wow you’re good, your sensei must be proud.” responded Acel holding out her hand.

Mccaw took her hand and smiled.

“Deal’s off.”

Before Acel realized what was happening Mccaw had pulled her in and struck her in the chest, breaking a couple of her ribs.

04: History’s Strongest Disciple
Flung straight upwards by Mccaw’s surprise attack, Acel had mere seconds to think before Mccaw’s follow up attack.

Instinctively, she launched herself toward the ground to get out of the air.

Somehow, Mccaw read her like a book, because as soon as she hit the ground, he hit her with a palm strike to the forehead that sent her flying toward the treeline. Regaining her footing, Acel got up and ran behind the trees.

The way Rindar was now, was more than Acel could handle, especially with her demon powers on the fritz. She was losing control of the speed and directions of her boosts, her telemetric sense was going haywire, and her natural health regeneration failed. She still had open wounds from when they were still sparring and her injuries were accumulating.

“Something I did must have set him off, he’s fighting like a-”

The tree Acel was hiding behind suddenly exploded as Mccaw obliterated it with his nunchaku. The splinters of the tree flew everywhere, luckily Acel’s Aether shield was designed to deal with small multiple projectiles. The sight of Mccaw tearing through the tree just to reach Acel was horrifying, but if she didn't focus on a way of calming him down, she would be finished.

Rather than running away again, Acel hopped back and observed Mccaw charging toward her. It was akin to being stuck on train tracks, the train speeding toward her with every intention of ending her life.

She had to ignore the fear though. She needed to find something that could turn this battle in her favor. Acel’s thoughts raced in her head as the world seemed to slow down.

“His form is perfect; even if I attempt a counter attack, he would use that as an opportunity to hit more of her pressure points,” she thought.

It was then that she noticed his face again. His normal eye was closed and his demon eye was open and bleeding.

“How could he know I was over here,” she pondered, “Perhaps its some kind extrasensory ability.”

He can’t use them at the same time...

Immediately, Acel tried to boost out of the trees to avoid Mccaw’s onslaught, but for some reason she didn't move.

Capitalizing on her ability malfunction, Mccaw struck her in the head with his nunchaku. Without reason, Acel’s speed activated and sent her careening out of the forest wildly. Fortunately, the strange lag in her powers managed to save her from taking such a dangerous blow.

Without delay, Mccaw began firing at Acel. All of his shots were aimed at her head, but the Aether shield did its job, deflecting every single one. It fizzed and spat green sparks as it struggled to keep up with Mccaw.

In a moment of clarity, Acel thought processes flowed smoothly and quickly.

“Why doesn't he use that demon eye of his all the time, there’s no advantage to even using his normal vision,” she thought.

“Unless,” she reasoned, “That Demonic eye is just like my powers, he can’t deal with the strain it puts on his body.”

Even as a half-demon, Acel wasn't able to use her powers for too long or they would wear her out. Mccaw, although strong, was only human. If she forced him to use his demon eye, then the ability would severely drain him.

“If I blind him, then he’ll have no choice but to use his demon eye,” said Acel as she readied herself, “I hope this works.”

Acel rushed in again, although her power wasn't working well so she was still slow enough to be seen and heard. Mccaw was not impressed. She threw a sloppy punch and he easily deflected it, closing in and grabbing her by the neck. With a gigantic amount of force he pinned her to ground, cracking the concrete and puncturing one of her lungs. With his free hand, he pulled a gun from his cloak placing it to the side of her head.

“Any last words?” he said, in a moment of hesitation as he did not pull the trigger immediately.

“Yeah,” replied Acel coughing up a little blood.

Abruptly, her visor became black and her Aether shield became visible.

“Say cheese.”

Before Mccaw could respond, Acel’s Aether shield detonated releasing massive amounts of light and energy. The force had knocked off Mccaw off of Acel, but surprisingly he managed to stay on his feet. He had taken significant damage though, his coat had been blown off and his undershirt had been completely destroyed revealing his muscular but strangely pale chest.
Acel wondered if Mccaw had managed to actually move back fast enough to avoid most of the damage. They only blood that she could see was dripping down from his demonic eye.

“Now’s my chance,” she thought as she foolhardily rushed in.

However, this time Mccaw didn't even bother parrying her attacks, going straight for her pressure points. But despite the pain, Acel pressed on refusing to let up.

At last, Acel managed to land a blow on Mccaw sending him stumbling backwards.

“Now!” yelled Acel as she charged up.

Using up all the energy she could muster, Acel stomped her foot down, cracking the ground as she did, and the space around her began to warp. Suddenly, there was an explosion as the air split apart as Acel broke the sound barrier. Launching herself straight into Mccaw he went flying, although not very far. Acel on the other hand, was deflected all the way toward the edge of the pier on the lake.

“Fuck, I guess I overdid it.” she remarked as she had gotten up. Mccaw was down and Acel had managed to win. Painfully, she picked herself up and took a breather. Without health regeneration, Acel felt like a ragdoll, broken and battered.

But she could worry about that later, she had just won herself a nice nap and her first victory as a wRHG competitor.

Slightly worried about Mccaw’s well-being, Acel began to make her way to over where he fell closer to the lake shore.

But Acel couldn't move, she was paralyzed by Mccaw’s earlier pressure point attacks. It was then that Acel felt herself falling backwards. She couldn't turn her head to see but she knew what was happening. With a splash, Acel hit the water and instantly went under. Acel didn't know how to swim anyway, but with her body like this there was no way she could stay afloat.

The water was cold and clear, pulling her down with every second. She lost her breath, water filling her lungs as she gasped for air. The surface was nearly completely still except for the ducks that floated on the surface.

Acel’s throat burned as she drowned, despite her attempts to persist she knew that she had no hope or survival. The only other person in the park was unconscious, and without her demon powers she would definitely die in the lake.

The dark edges crept closer as she slipped into a deep cold sleep.

Then silence.

================================================== ==============================

To her surprise, Acel felt a hand grab hers and pull her, but not down deeper into the depths; It pulled her straight out of the water and onto the surface.

She coughed up the water, and immediately opened her eyes. It was Mccaw smiling with his normal eye open.

Acel felt stronger than she had before, her wounds were healing right before your eyes.

“I've unblocked your chi,” said Mccaw before Acel could ask.

Acel laughed but it slightly hurt, “I guess I still owe you that pizza.” she joked.

“Yah, but I lost control, so its your win. I guess I should train more,” he said, a little disappointed.

“You can train at my house! I’ve got a gravity weight room and everything!” responded Acel.

Mccaw chuckled, “You’re a good kid, Cecelia,” he said shaking her hand.

“I’m not a kid,” pouted Acel.

saintmccaw (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?197461-saintmccaw)
Nowadays, Mccaw was normally set up around the wRHG facility when he wasn't roaming. He found it soothing to be around people like him: Crazy and seemingly bipolar... Most of the times. He pondered as he leaned against the kitchen wall as Chamel shamelessly hit on one of the patrons. He knew alot of the people here, but saying they were friends would absolutely be a stretch. The sliding doors opened with a 'woosh!' as a short, blue stick lady came in. I threw a glance her way, hadn't seen her around. I thought to myself. He'd heard of someone like her, Organization's new lackey. She looked around and made her way towards where the most of them were. I sighted the computer was open, thinking quickly I pushed a young fellow out of my way and hopped into the computer seat. Typing in "the organization", he looked at their entries on stickpage. Keeping himself very calm and collected as on the inside he freaked out as he read Ceceila's files. Ceceila, or 'Acel', would be quite an interesting fight. Reading further, he saw something very, very crucial. This would come back later... This was in the bag.

I approached the bluish stick lady with confidence, seeing as on her files she was ready for challengers. He looked at her with his good eye for acouple of seconds, feeling slightly awkward. He never was really good at talking with... well, people. "Are you Ceceila?" I asked, already feeling that I worded this wrong. Before she had a chance to answer, "I challenge you to a fight. Arena 223." I stated proudly. "... Alright. You ready for the smack down!" She said, putting up her dukes. I chuckled, "The fight is at five, get ready." I said, tightening my headband.
2 hours later, Arena 223.
I was on my way to the arena, maybe a minute or two late. Smoking a ciggarette on my way to the arena, I pondered what the outcome would be. Would I win? Mccaw the saint Rindar was for once nervous. For my past fights, little street brawls, disarms, or complete ass kickings. This one would be very different. Fighting a demon... While I thought these sour thoughts, I arrived at the door. Opening the door, I was greeted by a pissed Acel, and a good view of the arena. A beautiful, green field of grass, flowers sprinkled around without much care. Turning his head slightly, he saw a playground, wood chips and all. Complemented by a nice pier, he gazed upon a lake. His ace up his sleeve."Your late." She said tersely. "Yeah, sorry. Had to get some cig-" By the time I had said this she had ran up to me, kicked the ciggarette out of my mouth and pushed me down with a fast and powerful punch to the chest. "That was easy." She said, turning away. I quickly hopped up and threw a punch her way. Sidestepping, she then activated what I guessed to be her Aether shield. The Aether shield would be hard to work with. He would somehow have to disable it... or would he? She zoomed behind me. Quickly performing a backflip to reverse her move to get to my rear, I saw her fist race to the would-be small of my back. Landing, I wasted no time by running next to her and scoring a hit to her side. Before I could continue my combo, she had sprinted out of the way. Getting frustrated, I calmed my nerves mentally while in a mexican standoff with Acel. I cracked my knuckles and turned on my evil eye. She then ran to my blind side and punched me in the gut. Sputtering a chain of curses in Vietnamese aswell as English, I turned off my evil and and rolled out of the way. Drawing my tanto. barely contained anger radiated off of me. She sprinted to my side to land another hit, I slashed at her, but she was no where to be seen. 'Damn, mccaw. You are a ninja. Figure out a different strategy.' Looking behind me, I hastily blocked a strike from a short sword. 'Crap, they must have placed weapons around the arena... fuck!' We played a deadly game of hack hack, slash, dodge, kick, push. All of a sudden, a plan sprouted in my head as I saw a Glock 17 in the corner of the park.

I slashed her sword out of my way and grabbed her by her throat. Walking towards her, I forced her stride to reverse. Forcing an abundance of my chi into this attack, I forced the possibly deadly energy down my arm. The kinetic force forced (Mccaw chuckled at his awe worthy pun) pushed her backwards onto the floor. Quickly sprinting to the Glock, I picked it up and checked the magazine. Only nine shots. It'd have to do. Sticking it in the back of my pants, I prepared myself for another one of her sprinting manuevers. She didn't rise. Suddenly, her skin made a slow, descending, horrendous change from light blue to purple. Rising slowly to one knee, her hair suddenly burned jagged, and green. Her eyes were yellow, and she was not in a good mood.

Her eyes stared right at me as she sprinted directly for me with carnage in her eyes. "D'AWWW FUCK!" I thought as my plan went down the toilet. I have to work with my chi! Every time I use it, it turns out to be a lethal blow. I could hear the flush from the toilet of life as another plan was formulated. I put five rounds in the middle of her chest. The lead certainly slowed her down, but not for long. I ran out of the way as she charged straight at me with a punch that decimated the wall. I ran over to the dock by the lake. I knew that in her demon form Ceceila was unconcious, leaving her unable to plan or think. The demon charged at me as I pumped 2 more rounds inbetween her eyes. She was feet away from me as she slapped the gun out of my hand and into the lake. She threw a right hook. I sidestepped as I pulled up my left forearm. Hooking arms, I used my other arm to push her down. I quickly brought up my knee in quick succesion. While the demon was stunned, I threw her to the ground and kicked her so hard that it pushed her off of the dock. Knowing she could not swim and that the demon form was energy eating, I knew she and the demon were done. As her hair, eye, and skin color melted back to normal I made a move to grab her hand and hoisted her up to the dock. She was out of energy, and she was beaten.

Sitting on the dock, I meditated. It was an interesting fight, and thank god he was so damn smart. The fight was interesting aswell as honorable. Honestly, this was his first fight in the facility. His mind was plagued with thoughts as he thought of what would happen if she woke up. In my meditating state, I repeated my nindo: "Honorable opponent deserves a honorable death: Or none at all.". Ceceila was a good fight, as he hoped most of the other warriors of the wRHG would be. He would look forward to future fights at the wRHG facility. Ceceila stirred. That was my cue to get up. "Errrrrghhh.." She groaned, holding her stomach where she had been kneed. It was amazing to watch, as she was already healing her broken ribs. I took a look at the scene, and decided to help her up. I gave her a hand and got her up. "Good match." I said. "S-same for you." She said, holding her broken rib cage. "It'll heal. I wish you good luck in your future matches." I said, holding out a hand. "You too." She said, shaking it with her free hand. That was my cue to walk out.

As I made my seemingly eternal walk to the door of the arena, I thought about my imperfections during the fight. The one that walked about his thoughts specifically was his lack of reflex during the use of his evil eye: He would have to train more with that. The second being the fact his chi was uneven. A lack of chi control means less control over your mind. Less mind control meaning that in the time that a quick decision he may dilly dally. When fighting a skilled, calm, controlled and calculating opponent such as Acel... You had to have your shit together.

And get his shit together he would.

All constructive criticism is welcome and encourgaged.

06-27-2013, 09:56 PM
Heyya I'm back from the slumber!
Now to comment both of you:

The Organization: You give proper spacing, more descriptions than Mccaw, and certainly, a longer reading time. Probably you just need a better vocabulary. Grammar is great on your part. You have done this task well. 8/10 to you!

Mccaw: I know it's your first time, but the difference is staggering. You lack spacing, proper paragraphing, and if your wRHG is thinking, I suggest to put Quotation marks. Yet your storyline is still a bit interesting(although repetitive). Keep improving! 5/10 to you!

Organization win this one!

06-28-2013, 04:43 PM
The Organization: You give proper spacing, more descriptions than Mccaw, and certainly, a longer reading time. Probably you just need a better vocabulary. Grammar is great on your part. You have done this task well. 8/10 to you!

Mccaw: I know it's your first time, but the difference is staggering. You lack spacing, proper paragraphing, and if your wRHG is thinking, I suggest to put Quotation marks. Yet your storyline is still a bit interesting(although repetitive). Keep improving! 5/10 to you!

Organization win this one!

Er... yeah, pretty much what he said. Just one different thing - I like to put my character's thoughts in italics rather than "quotation marks", but I guess that's just personal preference.

06-29-2013, 04:46 AM
I liked both but The Organization's part was more appealing to me.

The Organization's part was nicely spaced, the battle was fluid and the story was good. You are descriptive when you write and it isn't that hard to imagine what you write. I can see no grammatical error. All in all, the battle was nice and you did a good job. Acel reminds me of Bl.An.C. now that I read your battle.

saintmccaw's part was okay. You just need to add a bit more spacing and be more descriptive.

06-29-2013, 11:05 AM
Good show ol' chaps good show!

The fights were quite entertaining but, The Organization has my vote in this poll.

Mccaw: Your story seemed to be switching back and forth from 1st person to 3rd person points of view. That is a confusing "no-no," any other critique was already presented by the other writers.

The Organization: Good, that was very good. I cannot think of any critiques to give for your piece and for that I'm sorry.

06-29-2013, 12:50 PM
Enjoyed reading both stories. Despite of the others saying you require more `Spacing` and need to work on your `paragraphing`, I think you did well. I actually prefer to read a story without the continues jumps from line to line.. I tend to use shift+enter myself.
Nevertheless, The Organization's writing skills do exceed yours Saintmccaw, and I think you'll agree with me.

PS: if anybody wants to battle against me, please.

07-02-2013, 06:38 AM
Good story for both, but the lack of mccaw's spacing killed it. That's all anyway.

Canis Majoris
07-02-2013, 02:57 PM
Well done both of you! I hope I get a good opponent like you in my first battle!
Now, some pointers.

Organization: You used "you're" where it should be "your". Also:
"Since, Mccaw was still holding on to her leg, Acel coiled up and used her super speed to jerk her legs forward." Since doesn't need a comma after. Except for these two nitpicks, your grammar is pretty much flawless and your spacing is good. Like Triss said, get more vocabulary, and you are gonna be a hell of an opponent.

saint: It's all about the spacing. Your first person perspective is nice, but the lack of spacing kinda kills the mood for me to read so much at once. The story was pretty nice and sweet, though.

In the end, my vote goes to The Organization. Don't lose faith, though, saint, you can go a hell of a long way.