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View Full Version : wRHG Tournament R1: Ned (Anywho) vs Mccaw the Saint (saintmccaw)



Hewitt
07-11-2013, 01:15 AM
5th Battle for Round 1 is up! Here are the Stipulations:

Setting:Long ago a couple of manly sailors ventured into the ocean depths to try and discover a new power source. They never got to it, and so their submarine remained untouched in the abyss for centuries until The Host decided it was a good idea to fool around in it. This rickety old sub is a WWII-era vessel with outdated equipment and cramped confined spaces that would make a claustrophic die.

In addition, the place is in ABSOLUTE darkness (both in the sub and out in the ocean) making any vision unacceptable but consistent with any other vision. Therefore, The Saint's Evil Eye ability gains none of its usual weaknesses here. He can also have it on all the time. In addition, there is a weapons locker at the very back of the sub that contains every kind of melee weapon known to man (no guns here however). The problem is, can you find it in this place?

Note that you can make something to be able to see but by default, darkness blankets the area.

Handicap: saintmccaw's character can use his Eye Power without the usual drawbacks.

Antes :
***Antes are Extra Challenges that add twice the points wagered if successfully pulled off. They come in 3 Flavors (Easy Medium Hard). No two participants can have the same kind of Ante.

Anywho has initiated a Medium Ante: This battle must involve the active (both characters must come into contact with it) participation of a gargantuan sea creature that is bigger than the submarine. It cannot be the reason The Saint loses, however and you still have to defeat him yourself.

saintmccaw has initiated an Easy Ante: Beat your opponent without ever using a single weapon in the Armory (for both characters). You can still stumble upon it though.

Bonus for this Round: Early Bird / First to Post their entry

Scoring:
- Votes are worth 5 pts. each.
- CNC-ing an entry gives you 10 pts. Detailed ones get an extra 5 pts. Maximum 3 CnCs per participant.
- Bonus for the Round is 20 pts.
- Fulfilled Antes give 10, 20, 30 pts. and lost 5, 10, 15 pts if failed depending on difficulty
- Judge's Blessing gives 15 points if entry caught the Judge's eye.

Here are the entries:

Ned (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?52298-(Wrhg)-Ned-quot-The-Sweetie-quot)“Huh?”

Ned opened her eyes and checked her self to make sure she was really there. Watching the other contestants be zapped one by one was not a pretty sight, and she was glad she was still alive. The girl reached over for a surface but quickly yanked her hand away, shocked, as soon as she touched the cold metal. She sighed and grabbed onto the pipe pulling herself up onto her feet. Her surroundings were pitch black and she could barely make anything out through the darkness.

An ominous screech reverberated throughout the sub but, just as fast as it came, faded away into silence. The submarine suddenly lurched forward nearly knocking the girl off her feet, Ned held onto the pipe until it calmed down. She clung to the rusted pipe a moment longer just to be safe; the old Sub creaked as it settled down. She cautiously took a step forward triggering a slight pain to shoot up her leg. She felt her thigh to feel something sharp protruding out of it. leaning onto the wall she took a deep breath, wrapping her fingers gingerly around the glass she carefully wiggled out the shard. The girl thenquickly cut off a piece of her shirt and wrapped it around her wound. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair then pushed off the wall, she took another step forward this time accidentally kicking something down the hallway. The object clinked against the steel floor rolling away deeper into the darkness ahead. She followed after it.

She fumbled across the cold steel floor and eventually, her hands found the plastic container and for a moment a wave of relief washed over her but instantly disappeared as she questioned what her next move would be. There was only a bit of soda left, she drank the rest and used her weapon as a makeshift glow stick continuing her venture further into the unknown.
____________

“Damn it”

The sudden movement of the sub caught Mccaw off guard and he was rewarded with a bump on his head. He stood back up and dusted off his clothes. He was engulfed in darkness; he even blinked a few times to make sure his eyes were really open. Upon switching on his evil eye, a burst of energy rushed through him, running up his back like a chill.

“Eh?”

It was a strange feeling but not entirely a bad one; he figured the Host had something to do with it. Though he didn’t mind it much since it mostly benefitted him. He adjusted his evil eye and scanned the area to spot a girl clumsily traveling down the hallway on the other side of the submarine. He began to follow after her but paused as something outside the sub slithered just out of his peripheral vision. He turned, but it managed to vanish just before he could get a better look.
____

Ned didn’t know how long she had been walking down the hallways, her surroundings rarely changed and everything was rusted and old. Even with the light of her baton she could still feel the anxiety creep up on her. It was as if eyes were burning into her back, watching her. Paranoid, she made a quick glance behind her as she walked, bumping into someone in the process.
“I’m sorry, I-” Ned looked up to see a man; he had a shaved head and wore a blue headband. His clothes were covered in quite a bit of blood, making him reek of death.

The man frowned, “So you’re my opponent?”

The man observed the girl, she looked young, brown hair and specks of blood stained her t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.

The girl backed away cautiously holding up the light to his face, “And who are you?”

“Call me Mccaw.”

“Ned”, She lowered her weapon slightly but kept her eyes on him.

“So I guess we’re supposed to fight, eh?”

“You won’t be able to see though.”

“Don’t worry, I have a special ability that allows me to see through just about anything.”

“Then, may I offer a proposition?”
The sub shook once more, but both of them kept a calm expression, locked in a staring contest.

“Alright, shoot.”

“Since you’re at an advantage, lets play a game.”

“Hm?”

“Hide and seek”

The darkness resonated with a small laugh, “Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, I thought you were young, but really?”

Ned remained silent, “Yes, or No?”

“It’s pointless-“

“Yes, or No?” She repeated.

Mccaw sighed, he could tell by the determined look she had, she wasn’t joking, “Fine”

He could have sworn he saw a faint smile appear on the girl’s face..
She turned, “I don’t need to explain, do I? Count to 100”

Before he could protest, the girl ran off. He watched her until she disappeared. Mccaw shook his head and started counting.

“1… 2… 3… 100” He adjusted his evil eye to see through the interior of the submarine. He looked around to spot the girl on the other side of the metal wall standing there banging her weapon against the wall, “hm,” He walked around the opposite way to end up behind her. However, as he approached her from behind the girl suddenly turned on him pointing the bottle at him, he expected as much and took a defensive stance. The bottle glowed brighter and transformed into a giant soda bottle, “What the-“

Ned smiled a bit and grabbed onto the handle with both hands. She charged forward and her opponent threw out his hands to stop the incoming ram. She pressed the button and rocketed towards him hitting the man in his chest, successfully catching him off guard. The two propelled down the hallway until they were stopped by a wall. She changed her bat back into a baton and
grabbed onto the man’s shirt throwing him against the ground then pinning
him down with her foot.

“Cheater.”
“ you didn’t even count to 100.”
“Yeah well, you should’ve picked a better number like 20 or 30, 100 is too much.”
She smiled, “Okay, next time I’ll count and you’ll hide.”
She whipped the baton across his face knocking him out.

Mccaw the Saint (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?69647-Mccaw-the-Saint)CHAPTER 1: THE BLACK FLAG

It was many a night that I would find myself seeing the sights of a town... Also known as the pubs.

On this night, I was graced with the rare finding of a dockside bar: The Nassau, a boat made bar. It just so happened that the moment I stepped through the door, that I knew that something life changing would happen. Whether I liked it or not, I had to.

The real reason I had stumbled about The Nassau was because The Host had pointed it out for me, said it was "important for my next mission" or some random babble. To be honest, all I heard was the inclusion of a bar.

As I strided across the bar, I saw a variety of characters. Sailors, thugs, gamblers and alcoholics. Nothing I had to worry about too much about. Ordering a Crazy Jay, I tried to tune into anything interesting. Listening to the various conversations, I didn't even notice the drink being plopped down upon the table. As nothing caught my attention, I angled my head towards the newfound drink on the table. Taking a sip of the strong drink, I gulped down the bluish substance. I found that alcohol such as the Crazy Jay was enlightening aswell as empowering.

Snapped out of my alcohol inspired philosophical inquiries, I heard the sound of boots smashing the ground as a paticularly roughish group of fellows walked through the doors.

"TO ALL YOU BASTARDS IN SEARCH OF THE RICKETY, COME AND LISTEN TO ME AND MY MATES AS WE REGALE YOU WITH A TALE THAT'LL KNOCK YOUR DRUNKEN COWBOY HATS OFF!" One of the obviously drunken men said.

This statement was the one that practically tapped him on the shoulder and screamed in my ear. Rickety? I thought to myself. Who names a boat Rickety? That is simply bad luck in my personal opinion. Casting a glance over my shoulder, I watched as a respectable number of folks walk up to the table and pull up a seat. Sighing, I fumbled a twenty out of my pocket and placed it down on the counter next to my half finished drink.

Taking a seat next to the drunk gang of hooligans, I paid painstaking attention to every word they said.

"So... Some of you aiin't from 'round these parts... Ner...New Stickton... And thus some of yer might not know 'bout who me and my boys is." The seeming leader of the drunken band said.

"We is pirates, we sinks the tradeships and take all that we can... Shortly after we piss away all of our riches on shit bars such as 'is." He started up.

"Me specific name is... As far as you is concerned... Uhh... Hmm... Eddie! Yeah, Eddie's me name." Eddie the pirate blared.

"Movin' on from 'at.... When we's out at sea, shootin and lootin... We hears lots of stories! Lots a fake stories, lots of real stories... This is one of them real ones..." He said, bringing out a flask of seemingly no where.

"Mmm, good stuff that... Anyways... Onto the real story! Mmmkay, so... back along time ago... During SWWII, couple of sailors were trying to desert! Mmm, so, sooo... then. They was in a bar, drinkin some whiskey and chillin out, right? THEN! Then, then..." Eddie said with a confused expression on his face as he stumbled over his intoxicated words.

Unfortunately for Eddie, SOMEONE (mwah) was alittle tired of his theatrics. Standing up from my seat, I nonchalantly pushed the two rows of people seperating me from the drunk pirate out of my way as I thought of an easy take down.

Seconds after, yours truly was face to face with a drunken pirate who, to be honest, had been spewing shit for the last five minutes of my life. Before the cocky bastard could say a word, I grabbed him by the throat with one arm and backed him into the wall behind him, making him drop his stainless steel flask. Tightening my grip on him, I put out a hand behind me so Eddie's thugs didn't get the idea that they could approach me.

"Where is the Rickety, you little son of a bitch." I said, drawing him forth and then slamming him back into the wall for good measure.

"It-it's right off the bat of the Conch Shelf! Stuck all the way at the bottom, I mean.. Yeah! Yeah, thats where it is." He said reassuredly.

I merely grunted as I put a hand over the hilt of my Sensei's tanto and in one swift motion drew it and stabbed the pirate captain in the lungs twice in quick succession.

I only heard gasps and the dead sack of flesh hit the floor as I started my slow descent out of the bar. I threw up my hood as I left the shitty pub, remembering the important details of the night.

CHAPTER 2: INTO THE DEEP

"We've arrived." The driver of the boat I was currently seated upon stated monotonously.

"Alright, alright." I said/shouted, awoken from my partial slumber.

"Mhmm, okay, okay... Money, right?" I said, fumbling for my wallet.

"120 bucks sir." The driver said, hand out.

"Ahhhh...." I said, finding that I didn't have my wallet on me at all.

"Listen douchebag, it costs alot of money for me to row out here and drop your sorry ass off. The LEAST you could do is-"

Quickly thinking, I kicked him in the shins and grabbed him by his throat. Backing him to the edge of the boat, I lowered him until his torso was hanging over the water.

"I won't drop you if you don't call the police and give me a ride home. Then, I will fix your payment. Got it, Jackass?" I said roughly as I glared at him.

"Y-yes!" He cried out frantically, his life in the balance.

"Good man." I said, hoisting him back onto deck.

I dropped my cloak, revealing the SCUBA gear I donned. I put the mouthpiece in the aforementioned spot and readied myself for the dive.

Closing my eyes, I dived into the deep.

After letting the water do its thing and take me under, I opened my eyes; only to be greeted with eternal darkness and the sound of my heavy breathing.

Out of pure curiosity, I activated my evil eye as blood trickled down my cheek. I could see everything... with no fatigue? I let ten seconds pass, and felt none of the usual fatigue that greeted me normally when I activated my special gift.

Deciding to just roll with it, I swam across the deep until I was greeted with the distant x ray view of the Rickety. Quickening my pace, I soon saw that it was not unoccupied thanks to my eye.

CHAPTER 3: SODAS AND SCUFFLES

Toe, heel, toe, heel, toe, heel... These motions racked my mind as I silently stalked my prey, knowing her every movement. Being a sneaky bastard was hard when you are on a sub called the Rickety. Spotting scaffolding like material, I hopped upon the ladders and climbed up onto the rafters, as quiet as a whisper. Taking a closer look, I could see right through her. From body language alone, she appeared... frightened, almost. However, she continued to wait for her opponent to arrive.

Jumping from the rafters, I made the split second descicion for my attack: Land behind her, chokehold, wait for unconciousness to come knocking on the doors of my foe. Landing with grace, I made an attempt to wrap my forearm around her neck, not expecting her retaliation.

Quickly recieving a elbow to the stomach, I could only watch in surprise as she created space and drew a... Soda bottle? I was sitting like a retarded duck that was held back in the 2nd grade out of the fact she hadn't taunted me yet. Normally at this point, a enemy would come up with a cringe worthy one liner and then mess my shit up. But now? She readied her baton to hit me right in the nose. Masterfully, I performed a combat roll to flank the she-devil. Swinging at nothing but air, I took the opporitunity at a swift punch in the back knee. With amazing reaction time, my opponent jumped over my fist and bonked me on the backside of my head with a rock hard soda bottle.

Feeling all of the hit, I let the stars swirl around my noggin as I felt blackness start to creep over me. Shaking away the birds, I stood up with anger. Someone in the world thought they could beat me with a bottle of pop? I'll pop their ass!

Landing hit after hit, I watched my falter as I took a leap and kicked for the neck. Dodging the blow, she simultaneously popped the cap off of the bottle and took a quick swig. Smiling like a child who had just held up a candy shop and ate all the candy.

With a wild look in her eye, she zoomed into me and didn't stop there. Feeling the wind leaving my lungs, I watched as the soda bottle zoomed and backed my sorry ass into a wall. Looking insane, she pulled up the bottle and swung for the temple. Finding her mark, I gasped for air as my head ached. Winding up for another shot, she suddenly halted. Her eyes lost the gleam of the sugar induced trance as she lowered her baton.

I knew what she had going on in her head. Some people, admist a battle would lose the ambition to finish the fight... permenantly. Seeing her mercy, I decided I might aswell return the favor as I grabbed her bottle-hand and chopped at her wrist with my hand. Dropping the bottle, I grabbed her by the neck and slammed her up against a seemingly innocent locker as on the second slam it bursted open with such an array of weapons that I couldn't concievably count. Making a mad grab for one of the pointy-er objects, I slapped it out of her hand and kicked her in the knee cap, making her sink in the seemingly zero gravity water filled cabin.

Finding a sturdy wall, I loosened my grip and grabbed her by her shoulders.

"What's your name?" I asked, keeping the menace in my voice so she didn't get the idea that I was losing control.

"N-ned." She said quietly.

"Right, Ned. Listen, I am going to show you kindness and not shatter your neck and/or rip apart your vocal cords." I said.

"BUT! That also means that I expect you to say to the Host that you lost, and no matter the rules.. I will kill you if you lie. Even if it means me forfeiting this fucking competition, I will tie you up and slowly rip the teeth out of your loved ones and then shove a knife deep into their throats as you scream in terror. I will leave you helpless with nothing that you could possibly do, as your reality crumbles and you beg for a way out... I will kill you." I said so quietly that she could barely hear.

"Of course, I-I mean... I would never lie!" Ned shuddered as she spoke.

A slow clap entered my hearing as I heard the electronic voice of the Host enter my mind. Not letting go of Ned, I lent an ear to the ever so important Host. Oh how I would love to rip apart the Host and simply find out whatever the fuck he knew about my family.

"Good job, Mr. Rindar. Report back to where this all became... You've earned a small reward for the moment." The mysterious Host stated in his monotonous tone.

"The fu-" I started before I was cut off.

"Transmission terminated." The voice said as it left the sub.

What the hell was that about? What was that supposed to mean? A little thing about my family, about the killers?

"If its any consolation, you fought very well Ned. If I were your teacher, mother, father, dog, cat, fish.... I'd be very proud of you. If I were you, I'd be very proud of you. It isn't your fault that you lost, it was really the fact that I'm such a dirt bag that you lost." I told her, trying to lighten the moment abit.

"Thank yo-" Ned started before I cut her off.

"Don't worry about it, anyways I have got to get going. Got places to be, people to see." I said as I backed off and searched for the door.

CHAPTER 4: DADDY ISSUES

"I gotta tell you dude, You are kinda a beast." The man I had met in the abandoned ware house said.

"I didn't see all of the fight, but the parts I did see? Damn, that was legendary!" He said.

"Yeah, yeah.. I was gonna get an award or some shit?" I said, patience wearing thin. I mean, I know I am sort of the most badass man to ever walk the world, but could you help a brother out every once and a while?

"Oh yeah, sorry dude. But yeah, I remember. So, the murderers weren't acting alone, nor were they doing it out of spite. Someone in your family ordered the murder..." The dude said to me as if it was nothing. How the hell can you just say that without meaning?

"Th..Thanks..." I said, taking in the information. After all these years, I, me, mucho mios, the Saint, couldn't find this shit out in 5 years but these sons of bitches knew it seemingly from the start, almost as if they were a snot nosed kid typing this up on his laptop at night while his father was snoring?

"Seriously man, thank you... It means alot to find this out..." I said, giving the man a embrace that could snap bones.

"MMKAY, YEAH... LET ME THE FUCK GOOOO!" He groaned out, pushing me away.

Panting, the man leaned against one of the walls, catching his breath.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

"David." He said inbetween pants.

"Keep in touch." I said as I started my walk out of the warehouse.

"Wait! I don't know your number, or anything really!" He shouted.

"I'll find you." I said cryptically. I loved messing with people, and when you are me, you can simply say some creepy stuff and watch it all unfold.

On a more serious note, I wondered who would do this? Order a murder on your family? An jealous pompous aunt? A fed up father? An angry uncle? These questions infected my mind like the plague.

I'd find out. Yeah, I'd find out if it meant I'd die. I'd find out if it meant winning this damn competition.

I will find out.


Scores will be tallied and calculated at the end of the round.

Vote fairly!

Rochedan
07-11-2013, 02:03 PM
Alright, I'm going to try and CnC on every chapter, mostly just tell you what I thought about it and what you could improve.
Chapter 1:
Upon reading your introduction I wondered myself if you are a Native englishman or not. Your sentence build forced me to read carefully with attention to detail. The introduction felt as if was told by a rather "classy fellow" and I actually read it in my mind with a poshy voice. The first error game kind of fast though "Nothing I had to worry about too much about." I think this is a classic mistake as sometimes you start thinking about something in the middle of your sentence and then add a the word twice on accident. I forgave that one.
"Taking a sip of the strong drink, I gulped down the bluish substance." There's just something awkward about this sentence, perhaps it is the comma I think it shouldn't really be there, it makes the sentence feel as if it are two separate things you are drinking. Read it again yourself, I can't really figure out what's wrong with it. But it did take the flow away.
The drunken talk part was humorous to me and just when it started getting annoying your character interfered which made me happy. The stabbing was kind of shocking and I didn't expect that, I mean who would coldly murder a drunk defenseless man. This said a lot about your character to me and I hope this was intended.

Chapter 2:
This entire chapter seemed odd in the beginning. The first sentence made me laugh, I first thought your character was seated on the driver of the boat ;). But it also a common grammatical mistake and I'm pretty sure if I didn't read so carefully I would have overread it.
I really miss some sort of part where you tell me your plan and where your character is heading. Without the stipulations I would still be guessing. This made the entire second chapter seem 'rushed' in my opinion, you needed to implant some more information. Also, this chapter could have easily fitted in with the first one, and it would have made things more clear.

Chapter 3:

Ouch, the time jump really hurt my feel bro. Why didn't you give a nice description of the submarine? A nice description of Ned? Anyway, the fighting part really got me into it. Although the bottle usage by Ned was pretty weird but it was original and I liked it because of that. Again this chapter felt kind of rushed and you should have knitted it with the previous ones.

Chapter 4:
Again a huge time jump, you really rushed this didn't you? (this is something I conclude now and I make wrong conclusion to fast most of the time).
This chapter really confirmed the pretty sick mind your character has, just as the third chapter did by the way. But somehow it managed to catch my interest and I'm eager to see your next story

So the conclusion is: MORE DESCRIPTIONS AND LESS RUSHING.
Try to make a smooth story without chapters, a chapter should be at least about one thousand or two thousand words in my opinion. These chapter were short and unnecessary.

Well that's it, I hope you can and will use my CnC.

saintmccaw
07-11-2013, 02:09 PM
Alright, I'm going to try and CnC on every chapter, mostly just tell you what I thought about it and what you could improve.
Chapter 1:
Upon reading your introduction I wondered myself if you are a Native englishman or not. Your sentence build forced me to read carefully with attention to detail. The introduction felt as if was told by a rather "classy fellow" and I actually read it in my mind with a poshy voice. The first error game kind of fast though "Nothing I had to worry about too much about." I think this is a classic mistake as sometimes you start thinking about something in the middle of your sentence and then add a the word twice on accident. I forgave that one.
"Taking a sip of the strong drink, I gulped down the bluish substance." There's just something awkward about this sentence, perhaps it is the comma I think it shouldn't really be there, it makes the sentence feel as if it are two separate things you are drinking. Read it again yourself, I can't really figure out what's wrong with it. But it did take the flow away.
The drunken talk part was humorous to me and just when it started getting annoying your character interfered which made me happy. The stabbing was kind of shocking and I didn't expect that, I mean who would coldly murder a drunk defenseless man. This said a lot about your character to me and I hope this was intended.

Chapter 2:
This entire chapter seemed odd in the beginning. The first sentence made me laugh, I first thought your character was seated on the driver of the boat ;). But it also a common grammatical mistake and I'm pretty sure if I didn't read so carefully I would have overread it.
I really miss some sort of part where you tell me your plan and where your character is heading. Without the stipulations I would still be guessing. This made the entire second chapter seem 'rushed' in my opinion, you needed to implant some more information. Also, this chapter could have easily fitted in with the first one, and it would have made things more clear.

Chapter 3:

Ouch, the time jump really hurt my feel bro. Why didn't you give a nice description of the submarine? A nice description of Ned? Anyway, the fighting part really got me into it. Although the bottle usage by Ned was pretty weird but it was original and I liked it because of that. Again this chapter felt kind of rushed and you should have knitted it with the previous ones.

Chapter 4:
Again a huge time jump, you really rushed this didn't you? (this is something I conclude now and I make wrong conclusion to fast most of the time).
This chapter really confirmed the pretty sick mind your character has, just as the third chapter did by the way. But somehow it managed to catch my interest and I'm eager to see your next story

So the conclusion is: MORE DESCRIPTIONS AND LESS RUSHING.
Try to make a smooth story without chapters, a chapter should be at least about one thousand or two thousand words in my opinion. These chapter were short and unnecessary.

Well that's it, I hope you can and will use my CnC.



Thanks for the CnC, I appreciate each and every one. I'm not english, I just write fancy I guess XD. Mccaw is the kind of guy who sees people that aren't close to him as tools or enemies, and once he gets his use out of them he decides to either kill them or leave them be.

I just have one question, how does this compare to my first battle against The Organization?

Chamel
07-11-2013, 03:30 PM
I have to say, I'm kind of sad that Anywho didn't write a more detailed story... It was still a good read, but too fast paced and didn't make sense... It was rushed wasn't it... Oh well, I just hope that you can go all out next time!

For Mccaw:
You definitely have my vote. Luther covered most of what I found, but on a personal note, I'm not a fan of first-person writing. It seems... Awkward, especially when it's for a fictional chara ter. I actually quite enjoyed some of the Chapter titles, especially "Sodas and Scuffles". So congrats to you for gaining another vote!

saintmccaw
07-11-2013, 04:18 PM
I have to say, I'm kind of sad that Anywho didn't write a more detailed story... It was still a good read, but too fast paced and didn't make sense... It was rushed wasn't it... Oh well, I just hope that you can go all out next time!

For Mccaw:
You definitely have my vote. Luther covered most of what I found, but on a personal note, I'm not a fan of first-person writing. It seems... Awkward, especially when it's for a fictional chara ter. I actually quite enjoyed some of the Chapter titles, especially "Sodas and Scuffles". So congrats to you for gaining another vote!

To be completely honest, I write in first person because I find it the easiest to write in. Third person comes naturally to alot, but I feel as if I do a bad job when I write in third.

Chamel
07-11-2013, 05:05 PM
Well ya know what they say
"Different strokes for different blokes." It was still a pretty good read, so good job!

saintmccaw
07-11-2013, 05:07 PM
Well ya know what they say
"Different strokes for different blokes." It was still a pretty good read, so good job!

Thanks! Think that'll go in my sig.

The Organization
07-17-2013, 04:17 PM
Ok, here we go...
http://i.imgur.com/dJMm4HS.png
@Anywho:
Flow was excellent, the Ante was handled nicely, and the text was very engaging. Also I think you portrayed Mccaw pretty spot on. However, the main issue was the brevity. The actual fight idea I think worked because it seemed like something Ned would do and Mccaw would agree with. In fact, all you really need is to add an introduction on how Ned got into the sub, rather than the host teleporting thing.

There's nothing saying that the Host tesla thing couldn't put Ned and Mccaw in a situation where they both meet in the submarine, believing that they had something to do in it rather than just being brought there to fight.

@saintmccaw
A little more glitches than Anywho but a vast improvement in setup over the battle vs. Acel. The actual fight was good and the characters were portrayed well, but the conclusion seemed a bit extraneous. Also the pace was inconsistent and some of the jumps were to jarring. The jump between 2 and 3 was way to much, Mccaw went from watching Ned from outside the sub to stalking her inside the Sub.

Your intro was to far from the sub, rather than going from the bar, to the boat, to ocean, to the sub, and back to the boat; You could've had Mccaw on the boat with a beer in his hand getting ready to dive then dive towards the submarine.

saintmccaw
07-17-2013, 05:50 PM
Ok, here we go...
http://i.imgur.com/dJMm4HS.png
@Anywho:
Flow was excellent, the Ante was handled nicely, and the text was very engaging. Also I think you portrayed Mccaw pretty spot on. However, the main issue was the brevity. The actual fight idea I think worked because it seemed like something Ned would do and Mccaw would agree with. In fact, all you really need is to add an introduction on how Ned got into the sub, rather than the host teleporting thing.

There's nothing saying that the Host tesla thing couldn't put Ned and Mccaw in a situation where they both meet in the submarine, believing that they had something to do in it rather than just being brought there to fight.

@saintmccaw
A little more glitches than Anywho but a vast improvement in setup over the battle vs. Acel. The actual fight was good and the characters were portrayed well, but the conclusion seemed a bit extraneous. Also the pace was inconsistent and some of the jumps were to jarring. The jump between 2 and 3 was way to much, Mccaw went from watching Ned from outside the sub to stalking her inside the Sub.

Your intro was to far from the sub, rather than going from the bar, to the boat, to ocean, to the sub, and back to the boat; You could've had Mccaw on the boat with a beer in his hand getting ready to dive then dive towards the submarine.

Thanks for the CnC! I appreciate anyone taking the time to comment on my works.

Triss
07-17-2013, 08:35 PM
Seriously I've been waiting for this battle. 2 Underdogs fighting each other? Now THAT'S EDGY!
I cannot found more fault than the others show, but other than that, both of you have done well.

Anyway I can't vote for any of you, since they're on the same quality.

saintmccaw
07-20-2013, 01:00 AM
Seriously I've been waiting for this battle. 2 Underdogs fighting each other? Now THAT'S EDGY!
I cannot found more fault than the others show, but other than that, both of you have done well.

Anyway I can't vote for any of you, since they're on the same quality.

As I read this, I thought of the Rocky and Karate kid music. Thank you.. now I need to rewatch em! Thanks for readin my story.