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View Full Version : wRHG Tournament R1: Bl.An.C. (ErrorBlender) vs Lucario (GamerXD)



Hewitt
07-11-2013, 07:23 PM
6th Battle for Round 1 is up! Here are the Stipulations:

Setting:]Here in the heart of this enormous factory is the place where Technical Machines are made. They come in every shape and size, and at an infinite number, and even include some experimental ones that Lucario might not know of yet. Even better, is that the entire Corporate HQ is housed by a Psi-Emitter in order to prevent industrial espionage. This basically means that Aura is EVERYWHERE and at the total utility of anyone capable of mastering the art of Aura Manipulation!

Handicap: Lucario (GamerXD8) has unlimited access to his aura powers at no penalty. They're also in a place where his gear is being produced.

Antes :
***Antes are Extra Challenges that add twice the points wagered if successfully pulled off. They come in 3 Flavors (Easy Medium Hard). No two participants can have the same kind of Ante.

GamerXD8 has initiated an Easy Ante: Between Lucario and Blanc, you must both use a total of 8 TMs from the factory. Blanc MUST use at least 3. Note that equipment lying around the factory is available to use TMs if you inherently cannot.

ErrorBlender has initiated a Medium Ante: You must write the entire battle without any of the characters uttering a single word. Even exclamations (Ow! Damn!). Not even your character's internal monologue is allowed. Both characters must communicate using the power of body language and action.

Bonus for this Round: Early Bird / First to Post their entry

Scoring:
- Votes are worth 5 pts. each.
- CNC-ing an entry gives you 10 pts. Detailed ones get an extra 5 pts. Maximum 3 CnCs per participant.
- Bonus for the Round is 20 pts.
- Fulfilled Antes give 10, 20, 30 pts. and lost 5, 10, 15 pts if failed depending on difficulty
- Judge's Blessing gives 15 points if entry caught the Judge's eye.

Here are the entries:

Bl.An.C. (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?58743-Cooper-Price-Bl-An-C-Blast-Android-Class)The android felt shaken. His body was weak from something he could not remember. Bl.An.C. staggers around as he attempted to feel the environment around him by blindly placing his hands in front. His vision was blurred and he walked as if he had vertigo. Finally, his hand had grasped a metal pole for support. Despite knowing it is unwise to reveal his head outside, he took the chance. The helmet whizzed back into the android's back which allowed Cooper to take in a deep breath of air.

Before Cooper had the chance, his mind was forced awake by the immense chill of his surroundings. His eyes widened and his breath became irregular. The man inside the suit was accustomed to the desert heat and the cooling system of the suit itself but not this type of natural cold. He felt his face numbing from the cold. His grey green eyes scanned the area around him as he tried to find a landmark to trace his location.

His breath formed in front of him in a white mist and his teeth chattered uncontrollably as he trudged along what looked to be a half foot of snow. From what Cooper’s grey green eyes could see, this was a city. The road was neatly snowplowed at some point but black ice had formed over the asphalt. Skyscrapers and shops dotted the sides of streets but were abandoned for some reason at the time. Every store seemed to have a 'CLOSED' sign hanging over their glass pane doors or windows with not a single light lit in any of the structures. Cooper closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he tried to remember where he was and how he got here.

Memories slowly began to flood back into his head, dictating the scene as it went by second by second. He could clearly remember the massive onslaught of goons; how he went by disabling them by his plasma gun but that didn't shed light at all to his current predicament. He kept racking at his thoughts and gritted his teeth as he tried harder. An image of Ensiron popped in his head, his current ally whizzed past the enemies and he had collaborated with him to take out the remaining goons. Then, he could remember something. Something odd that made a metallic sound from within the warehouse. Lightning zapped the gladiators one by one, which seemed to eliminate them from reality itself. The android and Ensiron, from what he could remember, rushed inside the building again only to see the massive tesla coil like mechanism inside. The machine didn't hesitate when it zapped the duo with a powerful force and then...

The android shook his head. He remembered what he needed to know. This was part of the tournament. He cast his gaze around once again, turned around and a massive structure loomed over him. Cooper took in deep breaths of cold air; each breath chilled his lungs, and looked up to see the massive lettering somewhere in the uppermost floors. The midday sun didn’t make it easier to read but Cooper squinted his eyes just enough to make out the words: Silph Co. The letters gleamed under the sun. It was easy to tell that the structure was a factory just from sight alone.

Cooper quickly activated the suit’s helmet which whizzed swiftly and smoothly onto his face. His lone jade eye glowed to life, which signaled the Cooper’s direct control over the suit’s systems. The android slowly took each step closer to the double doors and opened them easily but the android paused for a bit. This is a company factory. Why would it be unlocked?

As Bl.An.C. entered the factory, the automatic doors closed behind him. His steps echoed through the massive building. It was dark and, from what Cooper had earlier experienced, very chilly. Perhaps it was the holidays here. The pseudo-android switched to infrared vision. From his HUD, Bl.An.C. could make out boxes and numerous machines used for manufacturing whatever product they made. He inched his way towards one of the boxes and plunged his hands into it. He fished out one of the products, which seemed like a disk of sorts, and scanned them.

Before his scan had completed, the entire factory lit up. The bright lamplights above flared on in rows, flooding the chilly factory with white light. Something whirred to life as well; an engine could be heard activating itself. The android returned his vision to normal to avoid getting blind by the stark whiteness of the light in infrared. Bl.An.C. readied himself since an attack could come from anywhere. Out of the blue, blasts of blue white energy attacked the boxes where Bl.An.C. was. The boxes exploded in a burst of cardboard and disk confetti. The android lowered himself to a crouch as he determined the location of the attack. A flash of light enveloped Bl.An.C.’s hands and back, and in a few seconds, they were replaced with dark colored armguards and the wingpack.

His opponent, from how the boxes had fallen, should be at a higher ground. He tried to sneak a peek to get a better look at his opponent by peering over to one of the sides. His optical sensors picked up a humanoid figure with two glowing spheres gripped loosely in both of his hands. His jade eye zoomed in for a closer inspection and found that it was none other than Lucario.

Bl.An.C. then saw Lucario drop himself from the steel walkway and walk towards him. The boy’s smile was almost friendly. Could he trust Lucario at this point?

The blue brawler stopped in the middle of the factory itself and leaned sideways curiously trying to find where his opponent was. Bl.An.C. soon decided that Lucario was genuinely out for a fair fight and that those first attacks were some sort of warning shot.

The android stood up from his place and walked towards the center where an aisle between machinery and stacks of boxes. Lucario looked surprised to see the android but smiled nonetheless, it was familiarity that struck the brawler that caused him to smile. He even looked relieved to see him. Lucario cracked his knuckles and assumed a low stance. He placed his goggles onto his eyes and placed his hands below his chest with one slightly outstretched with palm open. He smirked, eyebrows furrowed from concentration. That look was, it seemed to Bl.An.C., a sign that said: “I’m ready to take you down.”

Cooper, within the suit, couldn’t help but smile as well. The android stood straight and crossed his arms in front of himself. Cooper breathed in from the suit and exhaled as he threw his arms sideways. The armguards quickly buzzed to life, and manifested the beam blades, cyan blue energy weapons that could cut through most objects.

Lucario’s aura began to manifest physically, a powerful blue white flame emanated from the blue brawler. The mute flame roared powerfully, and Bl.An.C. could see Lucario’s fierce concentration. From the suit’s internal HUD, the energy levels of Lucario spiked a hundred fold from before. The look of surprise was absent from the outside but Cooper felt outmatched on this one but he had little choice in this. He had to win.

Lucario was the first to move, the blue white aura trailed behind him, embers of his flame like aura left like a petal storm. The blue brawler appeared before Bl.An.C. in mere seconds and plunged his fist into the android’s gut. He closely connected with a powerful right hook but the android, though within the suit Cooper writhed in pain, dodged the attack.

Bl.An.C.’s wingpack quickly spread its wings and blazed on. He rushed forward and brought up his knee towards Lucario’s face. The brawler reeled back but quickly regained composure with a step backward. The pseudo android brought down one of the beam blades to strike at Lucario. The brawler leapt back, evaded the strike and spread both arms open. Whirlpools of energy spiraled towards Lucario’s palms which then solidified in mere instants. He threw each of these aura spheres at the Blast Android, each of the projectiles still collected as much aura as they flew out of their originator’s hands.

Bl.An.C. advanced, he swept away one of the spheres away with the use of the beam blade, dodged the other with a twist of the body and swept the other blade at Lucario.

Lucario beamed with determination. He allowed the beam blade to pass by him by sidestepping to one side. He grabbed the android’s arm and pulled him closer. Lucario raised his free arm and attempted to shatter the android’s eye with his elbow but the android had other plans.

Bl.An.C. ducked at the last possible second. He cut power off the blades and the wing pack flared on. He wrapped his arms around Lucario’s waist and rocketed upwards towards the factory’s ceiling. Lucario’s eyes widened and the breath pushed out of his lungs as they crashed through ceiling. The android released his grip as they reached the hundred foot mark. His hands shone with white light as Lucario slowly plummeted to the ground. Bl.An.C. rushed towards the brawler with the iron fists completely manifested and discharged a massive amount of voltage. Bl.An.C.’ s optics zoomed in at Lucario, which was cool and collected even at free fall as he held something to his shoulder. It looked to be a disk of sorts as he inserted it into a device connected to his arm. Out of the blue, a powerful force of energy exploded from the brawler as draconic wings unfolded from the brawler’s back.

Bl.An.C. continued his course; he reached Lucario and threw a jab at the brawler. The brawler crossed his arms in between himself and the fist. The android could see layers upon layers of scales forming in a cascade from the impact point of his fist. The electricity rebounded off Lucario, which then lowered his arms to reveal his now draconic eyes. His smile began to look more feral and toothy. The brawler grabbed his opponent’s arm and headbutted Bl.An.C.. The android fell for a few seconds as his hands flashed in a white light and slowly manifested into the plasma guns. He corrected himself mid fall and aimed for his aerial foe. Lucario growled and his wing beat twice as fast as he sped through the air towards the android. Bl.An.C. fired beam after beam of cyan energy but his opponent dodged every one of them by banking on either side and rolling in the air as he rushed in forward. The android returned the ranged weapons and called back the iron fists since ranged weaponry was almost useless at this point but before his weapons manifested, Lucario was already there. The draconic brawler grabbed the android by his leg, spun in the air once as he tugged the android and hurtled his opponent down towards the factory

Bl.An.C. felt the G-force of his fall pushing his face upward from the helmet. He felt the ceiling crumble as he fell through it and fall through the steel walkway and down to the boxes. Cooper rolled to one side and dropped to the floor on all fours, the box fell to his side, pouring out its contents. The helmet whizzed back and he coughed out blood. Cooper was losing hope in the battle, Lucario had suddenly gotten a massive boost in power for an unknown reason. His blood began to splatter on the disks but then he had noticed something. The disks had tags on them. He weakly grabbed a couple of them and read the tags: “Snatcher”, “Agatha Rorik” and “Diittoo”.

Diitoo… That was the name of his ally. An ally he had back in his days as a Rising Stars member. If he had judged correctly, these disks had the powers of some wRHG and RHG alike in them. If that were the case then Lucario was simply copying these disks. Using them as tools, power multipliers!

Cooper looked over his shoulder and saw Lucario fly through the hole in the ceiling and rush for him. The android stood up and opened his palms. Sparks of electricity danced on the steel of the iron fists and his helmet covered his head. The jade eye flashed alive as he readied himself. Something was definitely up.

Lucario smashed the ground he crashed in, Bl.An.C. sidestepped, and jabbed at the draconic brawler. Lucario blocked with his free arm and opened his mouth. A powerful blast of cyan flames burst forth from the brawler’s mouth. The android darted to the right and delivered a powerful right hook. It connected, knocking Lucario to one side with a powerful discharge of electricity. The android twisted in place, activated his wing pack and brought his entire leg upwards and smashing it down onto the brawler’s head. Lucario was knocked down to the crater he had made but his hands kept him from completely falling in. The brawler pushed himself upwards to a standing position. His hands then assumed a new stance. His draconic features slowly faded into nothingness and a look of purpose filled Lucario’s face.

The brawler moved forward, and struck at the android in quick successive blows. Each strike was precise and powerfully backed up with an outburst of aura. The android had little chance to strike back but did his best to do so and block whatever he could. Lucario ended the attacks with a powerful strike to Bl.An.C.’s head which he connected with a crushing kick to his chest. Bl.An.C. felt some of his ribs crack. Even with the suit, it was becoming less of a match against a super power.

Bl.An.C. crashed into some of the factory’s machinery and bounced off to the ground. Bl.An.C. knelt but this time very weakly. Inside, he was breathing heavily and the suit’s internal HUD was dotted with blood. He was stunned to see Lucario this stronger than before. In their spar, Lucario was strong but never this strong. He knew the boy had trained and even assumed he had trained under a master but to get this powerful it had to take years but in this case it was only days. There had to be some cheat to the system. Cooper kept guessing. Then it struck him. Didn’t he see Lucario the last time they fought charge? He thought on this for a second before realizing Lucario had only charged once. In their spar, he could remember Lucario charging more than a couple of times. Something was powering Lucario. He had to find it before he would expire.

Lucario appeared once again. The android’s optical systems began to go on the fritz but he could clearly see Lucario inserting another disk onto an object on his right arm. Lucario breathed in as he walked by casually, an aura of confidence was bursting from him. Lucario’s gloves shone with the power of his aura.

Bl.An.C.’s wing pack flared on and rocketed away from the brawler. His shoulder’s gleamed with a powerful white light and seconds later, rectangular containers appeared mounted on them. The android turned to face Lucario mid-air. He trained the missiles on the blue brawler and fired. Several explosive projectiles screamed towards Lucario. The blue brawler chuckled and gripped something invisible from his hands. Lucario moved fluidly, his motions were as if he was weaving threads in the air.

The missiles exploded before reaching their targets. Taken aback, Bl.An.C.’s optical sensors scanned the area and spotted the obstructions. Tiny threads that floated in the air and glowed a faint red.

The android noticed the futility of his attacks; he decided to begin his search for the power source that kept Lucario amped up. Lucario watched as Bl.An.C. turned around and left. Lucario at first was confused but then realized what Bl.An.C. could be after. He gave chase but something felt odd, he felt a pang of weakness strike him but it was gone before he noticed.

The android searched the area and soon spotted something. He exchanged his vision with infrared and noticed a massive heat signature coming from one of the rooms in the offices. Something struck him from behind as several aura spheres punctured holes through his wingpack, evidently shooting him down. The android crashed to the ground and found himself in the company of the factory’s machines once again but this part of the factory had more of them. It seemed like a maze of conveyer belts and machine. He looked around for something he could use to stall Lucario but he found something better. He felt an advantage and decided to use it.

Lucario ran from the steel walkway and jumped down to the ground. He saw the labyrinth of machinery. He grimaced slightly. He could barely see anything through his aura sense, there was aura everywhere. The same thing that gave him the advantage blinded him.

The lights suddenly were shut off, which sent the abandoned warehouse into complete darkness. Lucario walked slowly in the inky black of the factory, careful not to make a sound. He almost tried to create a thread or manifest an aura sphere but he decided not to, the glow from them would allow Bl.An.C. to know his position. He wasn’t even sure if Bl.An.C. had known of the psi-emitter’s existence and this could just probably be a trap but both ideas sent shivers down his spine. In fact, the entire place was becoming chilly. He could now see his breath forming into mist right in front of him.

Lucario noticed a green glow from some of the machinery and he glued himself to one of the sides of the machines. He was sure it was Bl.An.C. until he spotted a few other glows elsewhere. He shook his head in disbelief and admiration. The android had used the darkness to fool him and even worse, he couldn’t say if these were really him due to his aura blindness. He had to take risks. He jumped at the first one he saw and struck it down but soon the other drones came flew closer and barraged him under red laser fire.

Bl.An.C. crept up the stairs as he heard the first explosion. It meant Lucario has found out his plan, each step began to become an effort but the android persevered through the pain. He hurried his pace and opened the door. A few steps from him, he saw the massive machine. It had three spinning panels, which alternated their spins at different intervals. At its very center, was what looked to be a tuning fork of sorts. All of this was atop a base of made of three layers of steel. There, at its most base panel, was a control suite. The android revealed his human face and got to work.

Lucario tumbled out of the way of a volley of red energy and took cover behind a machine. He removed the disk from the Technical Machine on his right arm. He pocketed it and fished out another. It read “Maple”. He didn’t hesitate as he slid it into the machine. He breathed in heavily and felt the power course through him.

He teleported behind the drones, smirked and unleashed a powerful wave of electricity. The remaining drones dropped lifeless onto the conveyer belt and smoked.

But suddenly, he felt a surge of weakness. His eyes began to blur and he became dizzy. He tried to blink it away but he was forced to kneel down. Then he felt it, he could sense aura again. Quickly, he searched for Bl.An.C.. Then he felt that something was behind him. The touch of cold steel on his bare flesh shocked Lucario more than the knowledge that Bl.An.C. was behind him. The android released a surge of electricity and shocked the brawler. Lucario spazzed out a bit as he tried to endure the pain but the area was getting colder, enough to match the chill outside. Lucario felt exhausted until his entire body gave way. Bl.An.C. released his grip on Lucario, sparks danced out of the way as the brawler fell to the ground with a thud. Multiple bruises and laser fire marks were riddled across Lucario.

Bl.An.C. surveyed Lucario. He deducted that the boy was using too much aura, too much that even with an unlimited resource he emptied his cup before it could get refilled again. Bl.An.C. looked at a friend and nodded. It reminded him of himself. How he had dreamed of something spectacular. He had the resources and dreamed too big. When it was taken away, it was too much for him. He knelt down and took hold of Lucario.

He was about to fly away but then he remembered that his wing pack was destroyed. How is it that in almost every battle, his wing pack will get destroyed..?



[Notes: TMs used were of Grey the Silver Dragon, Zephyr “The Weaver”, and Maple in order of appearance.]



Lucario (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?55157-Lucario-quot-The-Blue-Brawler-quot)A Rematch? Unexpected Help
Luke’s eyes were blurry. His head was hurting as if a herd of elephants was trampling on his brain. And that was not a pleasant feeling. His vision was slowly restored, the haze that clouded his eyes and mind cleared off. He rose his arm in an attempt to protect his eyes from the harsh sunlight in front of him. He tried to get up, only to be stopped by a very sharp pain that traversed his body. Tracing the origin of the wound, he found that it came from his stomach. In an instant, all the memories flooded back to him like water from a broken dam. He was fighting a sea of thugs alongside other gladiators in a tournament. After finishing off the last one, a voice echoed the bloody warehouse.

"Congratulations newcomers and latecomers alike! You have just pledged your entrance fee of...your lives!" A high-pitched whirring sound kept on replaying in his head. It was from “The Host”, who had shot them with a huge tesla cannon emanated from the warehouse’s ceiling. It looked like one of those sci-fi machines that Luke had read in books. Its blasts disintegrated fighters after fighters and eventually him. All of that happened so fast that he didn’t have a chance to react. Not that he could with a bullet in his stomach. The feeling of having every particle in your body teleported one by one and reassembled at the speed of light was very complicated, but Luke could sum it in one word: Ticklish. He let out a soft laughter. He laughed at his predicament, one he should’ve thought of a way out. But with the bullet inside him, even if he healed himself with Aiman’s power, the bullet would still remain inside. As he was holding his left hand over his wound, he took a look at his surroundings. From his limited field of vision, he could concluded that it was a factory, but nothing lack of a full observation would shed some light about this place. As he was thinking about the next step, he heard footsteps approaching him, the sound of metal hitting each other.

“Metal footsteps. O…One guy…fits the bill.” Right after he finished his sentence, an android showed up, its jade eye glowing ominously. “Greeting: Hello, Blue Brawler. Observation: You look a little blue.” Even with his helmet on, the sarcasm in his voice was clear as day.

“Is it ‘Observation’ or ‘Mockery’?” Luke exclaimed with a low voice, crimson blood oozing out of his black shirt and onto his hand. “Damn…It hurts! And to think that I have to continue fighting…That bastard of a host…”

“Query: Would you like me to remove that bullet? I remembered you being shot by a thug.” The android offered Luke a helping hand, just the one the doctor ordered.

“Heh…Thanks…But why do you offer help to your opponent?” he wondered. “Response: A fair fight is what I want. Even if it means helping a wounded foe. Besides, I know you are an honorable man. Now, let me remove the bullet.” Luke nodded weakly, his strength was almost gone. Bl.An.C. approached next to the brawler and pulled up his shirt. The bullet wound was clear as day, with blood flowing out of it at an increasing speed.

“Opinion: This will be quick and painful. Clarification: I will rip out the bullet with my bare hand. The bullet itself didn’t injure any organs, but the process of removing it won’t be easy. ” Before Luke even got a chance to voice his thoughts, Bl.An.C.’s hand had already dug itself deep into the wound and pulled out a bullet in a quick motion. Luke’s pain was excruciating, the intense from his stomach and innards spread itself throughout every fiber of his being. His scream of agony was piercing and unable to help reducing the ongoing torture. Without a second to waste, he activated his TM and his body showed a green outline. An arrow appeared out of nowhere and he stabbed himself with it, the wound closed itself in the blink of an eye. Bl.An.C. held up the blood-covered bullet and threw it away, into the depths of the factory. Luke slowly stood up, the pain that had tormented him gone. He breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled down his black shirt.

“Alright, I’m good to go now. Now then, please go to your position. Our battle will begin shortly. And to be fair, I won’t use Aiman’s power since I only need it for healing.” The pseudo-android nodded and walked a few dozen steps back, his eye surveying the area. Luke also took the opportunity to have a closer look on this “factory”. He was slightly dumbfound by the sight: Rows upon rows of machineries lining up neatly with some conveyor belts affixed together , steel stairs connecting with metal walkways above and a bridge crane installed on the ceiling. He was amazed at the level of technology in the factory- none of the equipment here look familiar to him, who amassed great knowledge thanks to years spent reading books. The entire facility was quite well-lit thanks to sunlight from the glass ceiling. Spare chains were stored in a corner while some drum cans filled with oil were put in beside a controller for the crane. The concrete floor stained with drops of oil and some interlaced wires didn’t have any kinds of “tricks” to it, so Luke felt a little more secure, knowing that there wouldn’t be a “hands-out-of-ground” thing like in those zombies movie. The entire place looked quite lifeless with its lack of colors, except the grey walls and yellow black stripes. Then Bl.An.C. called out to get Luke’s attention.

“Query: You done?” Luke simply took a deep breath, replaying the song he had heard in his head. “Yes. Let it begin, shall we? Our ‘rematch of destiny’.”

A Beaten-up Warm up
Lucario immediately let out a shining light and a powerful shockwave, knocking Bl.An.C. off his feet. But he quickly regained his footing and with a flash, a grey “Mega Buster” appeared and shot out cyan energy bolts. The moment before impact, the glow quickly vanished and Luke dodged them all with great reflex. Without care for the explosions behind him, Luke raced forward with his arms up front like a boxer, side-stepping any incoming projectiles. One of Bl.An.C.’s arms lit up and his Beam Blade showed up, covering his forearm in a blade of pure energy. He kept his cannon locked on and kept firing, his blade ready to stab through Luke’s stomach. When Lucario entered his range, the android stroke quickly, hoping to finish the battle in one go. Lucario wasn’t an idiot, however, because with a kick to the arm’s underside, he stopped the attack effectively and at the same time made him vulnerable. Before he had a chance to deal a blow, a cyan light was in front of him and before he knew it, he was sent flying away with a “Golden Headshot”. To him, everything was spinning at high speed as he bounced off the hard concrete floor before hitting the wall with a *slam*.

“Ugh…My body hurts like hell...Great. My shirt has a hole on it now. Never thought this battle to be easy since we DID spar before but I did NOT see that shot coming.” Lucario grumbled as he rubbed his poor, beaten up back as well as everywhere else on his body.

“Observation: I can see that you’ve improved as well. Your strength has increased, but your skills are still lacking. A fight is not a contest of strength, it's a challenge of wits and skill. Continue?” Bl.An.C.’s voice began to annoy Luke. Despite the tension of the fight, his voice still remained indifferent. Luke knew the cause, but he couldn’t help being irritated. He simply nodded in response and stood up, the pain now dulled. He slightly staggered, his head hurting from the impact, and charged at the android while screaming at the top of his lungs. He destroyed the incoming projectiles with his bare hands and launched a powerful roundabout kick right at the head. Ducking, the android put his arm cannon at the brawler’s chest and muttered:

“Statement: Game Over.” A stream of energy blasted out of the Plasma Cannon and pushed him away, through the concrete wall and down to the cold, hard floor. Lucario could only whimper in pain. The difference in strength was clear. A beginner like him couldn’t hope to outshine a veteran like Cooper Price, whose experience in battle was his strongest weapon. But even so, giving up would seal off his slim chance of winning, so he picked himself up the floor and took a good look around. With a number of chairs and a large control panel, he guessed it was the “Control Room” stationed on the first floor. Well, the fact that there was a sign with “Control Room” written on the open door was pretty self-explanatory. One thing caught his eyes: a poster of “goggles” with a slogan: “Make the Invisible Plain to See!” On the bottom was the manufacturer: Silph Co. He put one and one together and concluded that this was a factory for Silph Co. and they were manufacturing goggles. But it seemed quite familiar, yet Luke couldn’t put a finger on it.

He felt a slight pain under his bottom, so he looked down and saw the remains of a machine. His fall must’ve broken it. Judging from its look, it was a stand, or a “transmitter”. Even after his butt stopped touching the machine, it still hurt. When he traced the location of the pain, he found a strange pink gem. As he held it in his hand, it slowly “dissolved” and absorbed into his palm. Before he knew what happened, a surge of energy overflowed him, so much that he saw a blue white fog covering him.

“Is this…my aura? That gem…It must’ve done this. Heh, looks like we’re on even grounds now, Blast Android.” As he walked out of the room, the radio near the panel crackled to life. “Yo yo yo! DJ in the house! Goldenrod Radio Tower presents you this epic remix of one of your favorite villain team! Time for some kickass action! Enjoy! “

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdk2yj8Sh0s
“Sweet. Looks like we got ourselves some battle music.” Luke walked out of the door normally and jumped from the metal walkway, landing perfectly on the concrete floor. He stood in front of the android, his aura intensified even more. The blue white aura slowly warped around him like steam, giving the brawler an aura of intimidation.

“Statement: So you got a boost. Interesting. Let’s see if the aura emanating from you isn’t just for show.”

Tech up!
The black pseudo- android was wary. He knew that the more aura Lucario has, the stronger he is. In order not to be caught off-guard, his blade had now been replaced with a black armguard which deployed a plasma shield. He let out volleys of cyan energy bursts, all of them hitting Luke head-on. Yet none of them seemed to faze him, his body exhibited no wound from the attack. Through the HUD, the android’s lens zoomed in and saw Luke wearing a devious expression on his face and in an instant, he disappeared, the HUD showing a single blue color. The android immediately raised his shield, his “eye” zoomed out to see Lucario pounding at the shield with immense strength and speed. He let loose a stream of cyan energy to fend the attacker off, which worked unexpectedly well and launched him off the wall again. Emerging from the debris, Luke yelled out:

“That didn’t even tickle! That’s all you got? Come on, show me the difference in our strength!” Luke threw a gigantic piece of rock at Bl.An.C., who blew it apart. But right after it was destroyed, Lucario appeared from the cloud of dust and delivered a powerful axe kick. Even though the android succeeded in blocking, the sheer pressure pressed him against the floor hard, cracking it. The brawler jumped a few steps to gain some distance before taunting him with his hand. The android slowly repositioned himself, his arms now transformed into two metal hands. With a Wing Pack behind, he propelled forward at high speed with his fists in front, in a way that made him look like a rocket. Instead of dodging, Luke responded with an aura-concentrated fist of his own. As the fists collided, a powerful shockwave was formed, launching Bl.An.C. towards the wall while Lucario was shot to the opposite wall, again. The black android slowly stood up, his body slightly injured by the impact. Suddenly, a chain found itself warping around his stomach. He looked straight ahead, only to find Luke holding the other end a few feet away.

“Got ya.” His right arm radiated a white light and his eyes, along with his hair, turned yellow. Bl.An.C. summoned the Wing Pack with haste and soared into the air, pulling the screaming Luke with him. The brawler cashed through machines, bumped against the wall and worse, he flew straight up the ceiling, its glasses shards stabbing his body. Then he no longer felt the pull. The android had cut off the chain surrounding him, and Luke had to suffer at the hand of G-Force. He fell down the ground with a bang, dust cloaking his location. But nothing could block Blast Android’s infrared vision, which revealed Luke’s escape. He took aim, only to be stopped by an Aura Sphere to his back. He turned to his rear and nothing was there but an empty factory. A voice appeared behind him.

“My Aura Spheres can home, just so you know.” The brawler unleashed a bone-breaking kick right at his spine and sent him through the machines. “How’s my skill now? Are we on even grounds yet?” His tone was filled with arrogance. With his newfound strength, he beat the man who had once brought him to his knees. “You know, that kick was supposed to dislocate your spine, rendering you unable to move the lower part of your body. Thanks to your armor, the impact has greatly lessened and therefore, saved you. Buuuuuuuuuut, that didn’t guarantee that you could still move without pain.”

Laying on top of a pile of metallic junks which were once working machines, there was a humming sound and the android’s helmet opened, revealing the pale face of a young scientist. Coughing out blood, he rubbed the remainder off his mouth and gasping, the pain transmitting throughout his body. Luke wasn’t wrong. The pain Cooper was experiencing now was unbearable for normal humans. Every blow delivered by Lucario equaled to a sledgehammer and aimed at vital points. As he was stumbling through pieces of metal, his grey green eyes spotted something very interesting, one that could reverse the situation.

Luke strolled through the factory, passing pieces and bits of machinery. He spotted something shiny on the conveyor belts, so he approached closer. It was a disk, one that he was quite accustomed with. It was red with black border, resembling the ones he was carrying. On its border were the letters: “TM 43: Flame Charge” on the border. He tucked it in his pocket for later use. He took a look around for more until he heard a strange sound, like someone was digging something. What’s more, it was at the direction where Cooper was. Luke ran to his location, only to see a hole instead that led underground.


“Well…Da-“ Before Luke even finished his word, a person shot out of the ground and a jaw-breaking uppercut was served. Being knocked up the air not only disorientated him, but it also made him vulnerable for a concentrated blast from Plasma Cannon’s little brother: Blast Cannon, whose likeness was undeniable. Bl.An.C. landed perfectly with consecutive back flips on a flat surface as he looked at the brawler, who found himself stuck in the wall.

“”Statement: He’ll be here…now.” The instance the android said that, with his finger pointing, Luke fell right down where Cooper anticipated, along with a few rocks to the head. “Grah…I can feel that a few weeks later…” Luke got up quickly and dusted his dirtied pants and vest. “How did you pull off that move?” He pondered. And there was a long silence. Then he noticed a strange machine affixed to
Bl.An.C.’s right arm. That ‘armguard’ had uncanny similarities to Luke’s, except for its black color. Then he remembered the disk he had inside his pocket. It didn’t take long for him to connect the pieces. “So…You possess a TM, too and this is a TM factory, am I right?”

"Statement: Are you so desperate as to ask information from an enemy? Pathetic." Even through his helmet, Cooper’s voice was filled with bitterness. "Ok. I'll take that as a yes." Luke answered without delay and backed off with a few steps. “Well, guess we’re done talking. Or like you would call it: ‘Conversation terminated’.”

Lucario inserted the red TM disk he had found inside the TM, and a flame cloak covered his body. He darted right at the pseudo-android who performed a flawless block. A flash engulfed the android’s arm, and the beam blade was called forth to thrust right at the brawler’s head. He dodged it by a hair’s breadth and grabbed hold of Blast Android’s helmet, his flame-engulfed hand slowly heating up the jade eye. In an attempt to shrug off the heat creeping at his face, Cooper summoned the Wing Pack and flew up, escaping the fiery grasp of the brawler. Soon, the flame wore off, revealing Lucario in blue white ‘flame’ that was his aura.

“Heh. Let’s kick it up a notch, shall we?” The yellow that dyed Luke’s eyes and hair faded away, returning to their original color. “Oh man…I totally forgot about my transformation. What a drag… Well, let me repeat myself. Let’s turn it to eleven, shall we?” As if on cue, Luke emitted a powerful shockwave, his energy level sky-rocketed in matters of seconds. They disappeared after a few seconds, the blue white aura surrounding him condensed itself around Luke. He let out a menacing roar and entered a fighting stance, his eyes filled with determination.

Turn up to eleven!
“Wait. Let me get something.” Having said that, Luke jumped up the metal walkway and walked inside the ‘Control Room’. He fetched the radio on the control panel and brought it outside. He placed on the metal walkway and turned it on. Then he hopped off the walkway and returned to his original position.
“Yo yo yo! Alright now folks, be glued to your seat because it’s time for our weekly top 10 songs! And now…The song you’ve been waiting for…Be prepared! For…EPIC BATTLE THEME OF HISTORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! GO!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctbLbXufNRU
The moment the first beat was made, Luke dashed into the midst of machines, away from Cooper’s line of sight. It took only a second for him to figure out the brawler’s intention: Gathering the TMs. The android jetted after him into the depths of factory to prevent his TM gathering and to get some for his own use. Flying through rows and rows of machines, he used his infrared vision to search for the brawler’s location. The result was negative, however. That is, until he heard a voice above.

“Peek-a-boo.” Luke raised up his hand and delivered a brick-crushing chop with his bare hand. Thanks to a well-timed boost, he managed to evade it by propelling forward. Luke’s attack was so strong that it shattered a line’s worth of tiles. Talk about “Karate Chopper”. Grabbing a red disk within arm’s reach, the black android inserted it and his right arm turned into his trusty Plasma Cannon and out of it, a stream of scorching fire. Luke rolled out of the way and snatched a disk close by, which color was pink. As soon as the fire dissipated he loaded up the TM and with the power of telekinesis, he threw Cooper up the sky and pulled him to the ground. With the help of gravity, the impact was increased ten-fold. That didn’t stop Bl.An.C. from getting up and blasting an impressive red beam that obliterated almost everything in its way. Yet the incoming attack didn’t surprise Lucario one bit. He raised his right arm and muttered:

“Protect.” Instantaneously, a green wall materialized itself and absorbed the beam without fail. “Man, this sure is an intense match. Just like that spar. I could remember it as if it were two days ago. Oh wait, it WAS two days ago.” Luke chuckled at his own corny joke. But as he was enjoying himself, he failed to notice Bl.An.C. with a brown disk in hand. There was a slight rumble beneath Luke and right after that, chunks of rocks shot up, their sharp edges piercing Lucario’s body. The stones were like blades, rending his flesh like rain of knives. Luke squirmed in pain, the wounds scattering his body caused his brain unbearable torment. In an instant, his aura and hair turned sheet white, all of his wounds healed in seconds. Blast Android was cold with sudden fear, true fear, when he looked at Luke’s “transformation”. He couldn’t describe the reason, but from the HUD, the person in front of him was somehow…distorted, mutated, as if he had become an entirely different being. The brawler’s glow grew stronger and stronger, until he yelled at the top of his lungs, as if he was trying to subdue to rising power and it all disappeared, the glow, the color white that dyed his hair and covered his body.

“Query: What…What happened?” Everything happened so fast that not only Bl.An.C., but also Luke was unable to comprehend what had just transpired. “J…Just a TM. Let’s continue, shall we?” Luke’s legs shook a little bit, his aura slightly depleted due to the attack. He sharpened his mind and focused, increasing his aura in order to gain the "edge" he once had. The fear that had crept into Cooper’s nervous system was gone and he immediately let loose a barrage of cyan plasma bolts, which hit Luke directly and brought him to the ground. He picked himself up the floor, took a deep breath…and started throwing the rocks from Bl.An.C. ‘s attacks like a madman, screaming as he threw pieces and pieces of debris. The android wasn’t surprised and just blasted the projectiles with his arm cannon.

Then Luke appeared from the dust of rocks, his body cloaked in electricity. Sparks dissolving into thin air, crackling noises stirring the atmosphere, he dashed towards the android, leaving behind a trail of miniature firework, flickering about like fireflies. Blast Android began to start up the Wing Pack, preparing to fly up and dodge, only to see Luke jumped high in order to grapple him in midair. That was when Lucario realized he’d been had: Bl.An.C.’s action was a feint, rendering the young fighter unable to dodge while airborne. But Luke evaded the plasma bursts like a boss by making a small aura explosion with his feet, creating a push that got him to safety. He rolled onto the floor, then his left leg outstretched and gave him to momentum to ram the android, his electricity armor disappeared seconds before the attack. Bl.An.C. stopped the fighter dead in his track with a shield bash, his cannon gathered the surrounding light and manifested into an energy orb as it blew Luke up, its radiant light almost blinded Luke, even with his black goggles on.

The black android was also affected, however, as he slowly recalibrated his jade eye. When his vision returned to normal, the first thing he saw was a brass knuckle. It cracked Cooper’s optical sensor and he was hit with a concentrated punch to the stomach, a roundabout kick to the side, a right elbow to the head and finished with an energy-packed ram against the wall with his right shoulder, all of which connected perfectly like. Luke backed a few steps and took a small breather. The entire combo was taxing on Luke’s body and aura. His body was strained greatly, with all the amount of aura condensed into one tiny package and the continuous usage of TM. Even standing took most of his strength. When he raised his head, he saw a white energy bolt flying at him. He tried to move out of the way, but it was too late. The brawler was knocked to the floor, his face burning with pain. The white plasma bolt was hot enough to hit metal, and even with his reinforcement power, the heat scarred his face. He slowly stood up, his voice now hardly audible.

“Good job…” He yelped a bit at the pain on his face. Burn marks were visible on parts of his cheeks, forehead and even his nose. “Statement: And so, the battle is nearing its end.”

The Reversal Finish!
Luke stood up swiftly, enduring the pain. He placed his hand together, and aura began to cluster, forming one giant spiraling orb of energy. The instant he was about to shoot his massive bomb, a single rocket hit his head from behind and he found his face on the floor. That attack also disrupted his concentration and his big, blue ball of aura vanished without a trace.

“What the?” Lucario was astonished as he looked at the android. All of a sudden, he got hit and his attack was gone. How could Cooper Price had done that? “Recitation: My ‘missiles’ can home, just so you know. Statement: While you were squirming in pain, I took the opportunity and launch one of them, timed to hit you after one minute. And the result was acceptable.” The Bl.An.C.’s monotonous voice made him very intimidating. Even in the heat of a battle, he displayed little to no emotion. Not the tiniest bit of feeling was conveyed through the robotic speaker on the android’s helmet.

“Well then, how about this?” He inserted a blue disk into his TM and from his hand, a powerfully compressed stream of hot water was pumped out, threatening to destroy the delicate circuitry inside the pseudo-android’s suit. He materialized his Wing Pack and took off, avoiding even one droplet of water. Luke kept on pumping out hot water at the flying robot, despite knowing the futility of his action. After a few seconds, the disk expired, along with Luke’s aquatic move. The factory was wetted by Luke, even the hook from the crane was sprayed with water. The drains were clogged with a piece of rock, letting the water level in the factory raise. Even so, it was only enough to create a thin layer of liquid on floor's surface because of the size of the factory.

“Mockery: Nice aim.” The android chuckled monotonously, which was slightly weird. “Statement: Now it’s my turn.” With a flick of his arm, ten drones were teleported to the factory, surrounding Luke. As if on cue, they all fired at the same time, their lasers creating a “web” that tried to capture the fighter. He tried to escape, but he slipped on the water and paid the price: Two of the lasers made their way through his legs. The brawler could no longer scream, for most of his strength was gone, especially from the TM just then. Lying there, the heat from the water keeping him from losing consciousness, he contemplated the reason why he fights. To become stronger, to save her, to reach the truth. was his answer. His determination had been renewed, his burning passion instigated a surge in aura and he recovered a partial of his strength. He threw up into the air one aura sphere, its size twice as normal. With a snap of his fingers, it split itself into eleven pieces and annihilated all the drones in one go. One shot aimed itself at the Blast Android Class and caught him off-guard, engulfing him in a blue explosion. Lucario crawled himself towards the wall and leaned his back against him, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Finally…It’s over.” But his happiness was short-lived. Walking away from the dust-filled smoke, the android, whose armor had scraps and pieces broken, spoke in his usual emotionless voice. “Compliment: I commend you for injuring me this much. Not many could do that.” Luke was terrified. After all that, he was still standing? How could a normal person…go through that much and still standing? He couldn’t speak a word, as he was astonished by the willpower of the scientist. He tried his best to move his body, only to be stopped by Blast Android’s sentence. “Threat: Running is futile. Next to you are three oil barrels. If I shoot a cyan bolt at them, the explosion will engulf you, killing you without fail. But considering the distance between you and me, they will be useless against me. Do you concede?” Luke was offered a way out, an escape out of this nightmare. Just then, Luke had a realization.

“Damn…You’re good. And to think…I poured all my strength into that one shot.” He rose up his right, injured arm. A small orb slowly formed itself, swirling rapidly like a tornado. “This…I bet it all in this one move!” He blasted it off with such strength that it flew as fast as a bullet. But, the nanosecond before it defeated Bl.An.C., a plasma shield showed up, absorbing it without fail. “Statement: Game over.” The Blast Android was victorious after a grueling battle. The young fighter laid there, his life force almost drained. Or that was his thoughts. When he finally snapped out of his victory cry, he saw Lucario with a strange yellow controller. “Sorry, but this one’s mine!” He crushed it with his bare hand and the hook from the bridge crane above fell down with Cooper right below. It was a trap! was Bl.An.C.’s realization as he looked up, his vision locked onto the falling object. He had been fooled all along!

But there was one loophole in Lucario’s meticulous plan. Cooper Price simply stepped to the right, letting the heavy hook hit the concrete floor harmlessly. “Mockery: So much planning, yet foiled by one simple movement. Pathetic.” But Luke didn’t take notice of his words, his eyes looking at the sky. When the android looked up, he saw thunderclouds, gathering above the establishment, lightning sparkled from one black cloud to another. It suddenly dawned on him: Luke had sneaked one disk into his TM while he was enjoying his so-called “victory”. He looked at the ground to see that the floor was filled with water made by Luke’s pumping action. All of that…was for this moment? He promptly used his Wing Pack to get away, only to be knocked down by an explosion to the head. “My Aura Spheres can home, just so you know.” That was the last Cooper Price heard of him. Lightning shot down the crane, its electric current traveled through the chain and hook into the water below, shocking Blast Android Class and the rest of the machines inside the factory, setting off multiple sparks flying. It looked very festive with all the lights shooting around like fireworks.

But there were one thing that Lucario didn’t take into account. The barrels next to him sat in a corner as electric traversed from the chain to the water, spreading its reach towards the “bombs”. By the time Luke realized the danger, they had already been set off, the blazing inferno wrapped around Luke and the surroundings. The explosion emitted a powerful shockwave, blowing rubbles and the broken android like a feather across the factory. When everything subsided, there was a gigantic hole on the wall, pieces of machines littering the floor and the air was filled with the smell of oil, and ashes. But there was one thing that stood out the most: A blue barrier surrounding Luke. It eventually faded away, leaving behind a physically and mentally exhausted fighter.

“Man…Had it not been for Triss’s power, I’d been a dead man. “ The pseudo-android’s armor was completely fried, blue sparks flickering from the cracks and openings of the suit and the pilot was burned from the electric shock. But he was still living. Seeing his aura still lingering, Luke breathed a sigh of relief. “NOW everything’s over. Good job, Bl.An.C. Now…what? Man, that Host better get here soon, or I’ll punch him in the face,” Luke pondered a little bit. “Hm…Nah. I’ll punch him anyway for zapping me. Guess I’ll take a nap. Yeah, it sounds good enough…” Then Luke’s eyelids slowly closed, bringing the entire battle to the end.

Used TM: (Have fun spotting them)
Blast Android Class: Dig, Flamethrower, Hyper Beam, Stone Edge, Flash Cannon, Bulldoze.
Lucario: Flame Charge, Brick Break, Telekinesis, Protect, Giga Impact, Scald, Thunder.
[B]#1:
Director: Ah...A fine day to visit my own factory. Now would you mind guiding me, Mr. Worker?
Worker: Yes, sir. (Aw man, this should've been my day-off! Working overtime sucks)
*door opens*
Director: What the? My...my...fac...*thud*
Worker: So...That means I get the day-off?
#2:
Luke: Hm...Making the Invisible Plain to See… Wonder if it also applies to-
Me: Stop that thought before I make the ceiling fall.
#3:
Bl.An.C. uses Earthquake.
The facility crumbled.
Bl.An.C. fainted.
Lucario fainted.
Me: Wow. That’s a bit too much fatality.
#4:
*After falling down a machine in the Control Room*
Luke: Oh God somebody help me! Something is stuck in my anus! HELP!
Me: Mother of Arceus...
#5:
*Team Rocket barges in*
Grunt: Time to take everything that's not ours! Mwahahahahaha!
Me: Uh...Do you mind? Can't you see that they're battling? Go back some other time.
#6: (The original version)
...The factory was wetted by Luke, even the hook from the crane was sprayed with water. The boiling water emitted a fade mist as it slowly drained away towards the sewer.

...Lightning shot down the crane, its electric current traveled through the chain and hook into the water below, shocking Blast Android Class.

...The pseudo-android’s armor...
#7:
Bl.An.C. used Flash. A bright light filled the building.
Luke was unaffected.
Luke used Flash. He took off his shirt and pants.
Bl.An.C.'s accuracy lowered greatly!


Scores will be tallied and calculated at the end of the round.

Vote fairly!

saintmccaw
07-13-2013, 12:10 AM
Dayum. Juuust Dayum. Alright, so...

Errorblender: Your story was pretty damn good. In the first paragraph, I was knocked out of my trance of your story. For some reason, it killed your momentum for me when you say words again right after eachother. "Cold" and "Cold" almost back to back slammed me back into reality. How you could easily fix this? Just think of different words, perhaps a dictionary. "The frost numbed his face." Anything really, because it is small things or hitches like this that can snap the reader out of their thoughts. I found this to happen multiple times, and it murdered your flow. However, it didn't ruin your story because it was just that good. Choosing who was better was a bitch... Especially since your fight scene was soooo good.

GamerXD: Your story was good aswell. Your story hooked me, and your description of the Host and the general beginning was what really hooked me. The fight scene was great, and even though it seemed alittle gimicky the music really fit into it. However, it was just something that you did that made the music work into this piece, and since I'm not quite sure if you could pull it off again I wouldn't try. However, your weak point to me was your last section: The Reversal Finish. The banter/talk between the two made me cringe and bite my lip, as it seemed abit too cheesy and heavy handed in the way they conversed/their actions. It is hard to explain, but it just came off odd how they discussed what they were doing/how it worked with eachother. Like I said, despite your weak end, I'd like to say that your story was kick ass.

My verdict?
GAMERXDDDDDDDDDDDD

Both of you made awesome stories, especially you Gamer (thats why I voted for you.) I wouldn't let this stop you though ErrorBlender, as I love your story, style, and character and feel that with all those things on your side that you could make an awesome story. Your story didn't really have too many flaws, Gamers was just better in my eyes. Keep it up to the both of you.

ErrorBlender
07-14-2013, 01:53 AM
Thanks for the feedback, saintmccaw. I will look into this and rework my battles. The redundancies will stop.

Also, I request CnC from the others as well. Me and GamerXD8 truly wish to improve our skills and votes will not get us far. CnC will.

Rochedan
07-14-2013, 04:21 AM
I'm going to read through your story and comment on the things I think you should improve. I am focusing on the bad things. After I'm done with reading your story and CnC'ing I will read GamerXD's and I will compare both and vote who's best.

Sentence build and grammar:

"Bl.An.C. staggers around as he attempted to feel the environment around him"
Does this sound right to you? It doesn't sound right to me. 'staggers' should be 'staggered' in my opinion. or 'attempted' should be 'attempts'. Staggers tell me it is happening right now, and attempted tell me it already happened. This confused me.
"His breath formed in front of him in a white mist":
This sentence build seems a little odd to me. It is proper english, but it doesn't read well. In my opinion "In front of him his breath formed a white mist", would fit much better.

how he went by disabling them by his plasma gun:
By his plasma gun? what about "with"? ---> my fix would be: "How he disabled them with his plasma gun". I think you're just making it difficult for yourself by using these difficult sentence builds.

I suppose I can blend every grammatical error, but let's move on to another subject.


Flow of the story and plot:

chilled his lungs, and looked ---- the chance, his mind -----Out of the blue, a powerful force
Why? These unnecessary "," really add pauses in your stories where they should not.

The introduction was nice and I liked it. The middle part where the fight begins was also a good read. But the end was odd to me. Why did you switch to Lucario's perspective? Did you want to make something clear? I didn't understand.


I didn't cover all of the subject of writing, but I'm a bit hungover from last night, sorry for that
Now I'm going to read GamerXD's and then vote :)

Xate
07-14-2013, 04:32 AM
My eyes shall be wide open, waiting for your detail criticism.

Rochedan
07-14-2013, 04:37 AM
My eyes shall be wide open, waiting for your detail criticism.

I'm not sure if this is pointed towards me. But if it is you have to understand that my CnC's are random. I just start reading and when I feel like CnC'ing I CnC.
Perhaps I'll CnC on your story somewhere in the future but I won't make promises.
No offense, but you're asking for detailed criticism while I haven't really seen you criticize on other stories. (correct me if I'm wrong)

ErrorBlender
07-14-2013, 04:57 AM
I'm going to read through your story and comment on the things I think you should improve. I am focusing on the bad things. After I'm done with reading your story and CnC'ing I will read GamerXD's and I will compare both and vote who's best.

Sentence build and grammar:

"Bl.An.C. staggers around as he attempted to feel the environment around him"
Does this sound right to you? It doesn't sound right to me. 'staggers' should be 'staggered' in my opinion. or 'attempted' should be 'attempts'. Staggers tell me it is happening right now, and attempted tell me it already happened. This confused me.
"His breath formed in front of him in a white mist":
This sentence build seems a little odd to me. It is proper english, but it doesn't read well. In my opinion "In front of him his breath formed a white mist", would fit much better.

how he went by disabling them by his plasma gun:
By his plasma gun? what about "with"? ---> my fix would be: "How he disabled them with his plasma gun". I think you're just making it difficult for yourself by using these difficult sentence builds.

I suppose I can blend every grammatical error, but let's move on to another subject.


Flow of the story and plot:

chilled his lungs, and looked ---- the chance, his mind -----Out of the blue, a powerful force
Why? These unnecessary "," really add pauses in your stories where they should not.

The introduction was nice and I liked it. The middle part where the fight begins was also a good read. But the end was odd to me. Why did you switch to Lucario's perspective? Did you want to make something clear? I didn't understand.


I didn't cover all of the subject of writing, but I'm a bit hungover from last night, sorry for that
Now I'm going to read GamerXD's and then vote :)

About the grammatical errors, I shall do my best to avoid them. Thank you for pointing them out as they seem to pop out like daisies whenever I write and tend to not notice them. About the end, I was trying to change perspectives from time to time as I tried to experiment on different views. It seems it didn't pay off. I will put more effort to it.

Xate
07-14-2013, 08:15 AM
No offense, but you're asking for detailed criticism while I haven't really seen you criticize on other stories. (correct me if I'm wrong)
True. But I shall start my CnC spree soon. Don't worry.

Nikx232
07-14-2013, 06:54 PM
Well the choice of vote was actually quite difficult for me to choose between both fighters. While both stories had an overly gracious amount of battle action, I felt that the length of the writing dragged the fighting into the ground somewhat.

IMO, I felt that the quality slowly diminished and that both writers slowly ran out of how to swing a fist at the other guy while keeping it interesting.

On the other hand, a plus to both writers was that they started out okay with their fights and the descriptions were adequate.

However, both had several awkward sentences that, once read over again, will be sure to arise if read aloud. I'm not really sure much else I can add other than I wish their was something else to fit in this length of writing other than fighting like Lucario's friend that he's trying to save and more on that story, or a bit on Blancs background (perhaps I should more of his as well).

I'm still looking over both stories and consider antes and characters with the limited time that I have, but I look forward to your future fights gentlemen.

ErrorBlender
07-14-2013, 08:32 PM
Nikx32, I'm glad to see you back. I do hope you begin writing again :)

Anyways, thank you for the comment. I admit that the battle might have dragged on but I tried my best to keep it interesting. I will try to keep the awkward sentences to a minimum, if not removed. Thanks for the feedback. :)

EDIT :: It seems me and GamerXD8's scores keep getting tied. :)

blakphoenix
07-15-2013, 11:06 AM
Stop having good fights, because they make it very challenging to decide who emerges victorious!

I voted for Errorblender, let's get that said right now. His story did have grammatical issues (whose doesn't), awkward sentence structures (awkward to read that is), and a few redundancies (that were redundant). However the battle scene was described very nicely and I thoroughly enjoyed envisioning it as I read.

Gamer, why did you keep "quoting" things? They didn't entirely have much of a purpose and it constantly took my mind out of the fight; then again so do slight grammatical issues; ex.
then his left leg outstretched and gave him to momentum to ram the android, Your fight was nice as well especially, with the addition of battle music; that definitely kept the Pokemon theme alive in this battle and made me happy. My biggest gripe while reading your story were scenes such as this:
manifested into an energy orb as it blew Luke up, its radiant light almost blinded Luke, even with his black goggles on.

The black android was also affected, however, as he slowly recalibrated his jade eye. When his vision returned to normal, the first thing he saw was a brass knuckle.
How did Lucas recover from that attack? Is he more magical than I previously thought? There were moments where he just did things and it seemed a bit farfetch'd (sorry I just needed to use a Pokepun). When writing from a third person point of view, the reader should have knowledge of what all characters are doing most of the time. The exception being when your main character is separated from the other characters. (This was actually a problem with my battle that I too must correct in the future).

You both did good, jolly good show!

Xate
07-15-2013, 11:12 AM
...A good CnC is what I need. I may not win, but I got EXP! Haha, GamerXD8 has leveled up! Writing+1.

blakphoenix
07-15-2013, 11:23 AM
...That reply...Kinda rhymed...and I'm certain it just made my morning 14% more enjoyable; a low intake of coffee was previously holding back my daily enjoyment values by 35%. Thank you Gamer! :D

Xate
07-15-2013, 11:53 AM
0-0
It does! HUZZAH~
Does that mean you will change your vote to me?
jk

Nightlock
07-15-2013, 04:48 PM
Both of these entries were extremely enjoyable. I commend each of you for your style of writing, and completing each of your antes. Though I have the misfortune of reading into these fights without full knowledge of each of your Gladiators, I could get enough from both battles to get enough of an understanding of each fighter's capabilities.

Each of you had a number of grammatical issues that could easily be repaired with a little proof reading and editing, but I could still understand every point that was tried to be made so I personally won't hold either of you to it. My only advice for this is to reread your writings to yourself, then again out loud, then again to a friend, then let that friend read it themselves, and all the while you edit, edit, edit. :)

I originally decided that, because @GamerXD8 had me at the edge of my seat in anticipation just a little more, and had me smiling along with the battle music, he would get my vote. But upon going back, I noticed the handicap and realized why @ErrorBlendor had written his entry with his own Gladiator at such a disadvantage. Lucario was meant to have an unlimited supply of power from a source inside of the factory. I definitely did not notice this in your fight Gamer, and because I feel that the handicaps play a major role in the first rounds of this tournament, I've changed my vote to ErrorBlendor.

Lobotomizer
07-16-2013, 08:48 AM
Well, let's start mentioning things, starting with Errorblender. I've decided nitpicking is probably not the best way to go, so I shall just run through the general problems that arose from the two stories.

One gigantic problem that I've seen is, for the ante you were given, you sorely lacked the other counterpart that might've given your story some life; thoughts. Since I assume, while internal monologues are a no-no, thoughts alone are allowed and should be abused to give the fighters more than just a paper thin personality. There were alot of times that you had plenty of opportunity to expand further, but you just stopped short of that and it made the story a little disappointing in general.


Diitoo… That was the name of his ally. An ally he had back in his days as a Rising Stars member. If he had judged correctly, these disks had the powers of some wRHG and RHG alike in them. If that were the case then Lucario was simply copying these disks. Using them as tools, power multipliers!

Take this for example. Blanc could have taken time to think about this 'Diitoo' person and his past with him, or perhaps a silent cry of triumph in having figured something out. This is just one small part, and there were more than a few littered around with the same opportunities for expansion that simply weren't abused to their fullest.

As has been said, your sentences are quite awkward and it feels as though you suffer from limited vocabulary. The way you describe things might be the reason why you get awkward sentences, because I commonly see it when you start describing the vicinity.

And now for GamerXD8

MY gripe with you is that you wrote it like it was DBZ or some other action anime equivalent. Or maybe a stickman battle animation might be closer. The point of the matter is, the battle looked to be bland and without variation, and I found myself sort of skimming through punch after punch, explosion after explosion. The many times where the battle didn't seem to be taken seriously (from both banter and music) sort of broke what immersion I had in the story. The ending was sort of creative, but other than that, it was trading blow after blow. I can't really explain this very well, unfortunately.

Another problem was Lucario and Blanc's attitudes toward each other. At first, Blanc was willing to have a fair fight, going far enough to dig out a bullet for his opponent. Lucario somehow paid that back with being an outright dick, and Blanc seemed to respond with some bitterness. Afterward Blanc became concerned with Lucario in the middle of the fight. These shifts in attitudes are sort of jarring and not so believable. Perhaps you could justify it, but to me, the story gave none of that sort.

Now, for the both of you

One big issue was the fact that the battle dragged on for ages to come, as what Nikx said. It got more monotonous as it continued, and I felt like I was slogging through walls of text waiting for the whole thing to just end. The switch ups were fine, but there wasn't much to look forward to. It would be better if you had cut it short, but I understand on Gamer's end he was obliged to make it long in order to fufill the ante condition.

The other would be the amount of damage that each person took before the battle ended. I couldn't count the numerous times each person took enough damage once to outright knockout or kill a human. No doubt, if every gladiator were as flimsy as the next pedestrian battles wouldn't last for more than a minute, but when the two probably broke all of their ribs and a few other miscellaneous limb bones during the fighting, there's something strangely wrong with that.

Now, I understand that I might seem biased and more in favour of the non-battle side of, well, a story that is supposed to be driven by battle. Even so, a piece of well cooked meat can only be made tastier with some controlled seasoning. You have the steak, but you lack the seasoning.

As for who I vote, it's a tough one because neither really performed much better than the other. It'll have to be Errorblender, but only because I felt that Gamer's humor was misplaced at times. Keep up, the two of you.

Tantalum
07-16-2013, 11:02 PM
Been a little short on time as of late - dunno if I'll get a post on all of these tournament threads, but I'll sure be trying at it x). Dunno how much I can add to the other criticism given above (or if I'm adding anything at all), but nonetheless my summarised opinions are shared below.

Both entrants had pretty solid intros, and I actually had little problem with the length of them, although I felt a lot of the sentences early on could have flowed better with a few more connectives. This improved slightly towards the middle of both stories, which was just enough to keep my interest through them.
ErrorBlender's story could have benefited from more emphasis on key parts (especially on the impacts mentioned, as well as Lucario's entrance), and perhaps less emphasis on the more trivial actions (such as the shifting parts on Bl.An.C.'s suit). The story flowed well and was easy to follow - slightly stretched out towards the middle-end, but showed more variation in attacks, along with a good end twist to follow.
GamerXD8 did better on portraying impacts, albeit exaggerating them a little at times. The main detractor I found was with some of the exposition and gimmicks, some of which tended to distract rather than add to the scene they were put between. The plot ending was kept short and effective, though I think it could have used more of the lengthened descriptions given early on for a proper climax.

Like the above, my vote slightly tips to ErrorBlender, since I felt it was the more engaging of the two. Thanks to both of you for the fun reads =).