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View Full Version : Wyrmspawn (THe Undefeated One) vs. Malacal (Gorsgan)



Malacal
07-25-2013, 04:39 PM
Hello Ladies and Gents and Others of all race and sizes! We are here to see 2 newbies go at it in an ALL OUT WRITTEN WAR! Our first contestant is Wyrmspawn and his wRHG the UNDEFEATED ONE, a man of great strength and speed! And our next contestant is contestant that I had to decide to not brag about for an hour! Me. And my wRHG GORSGAN, a man who can draw upon his rage to do incredible feats of strength and skill! And now... LET THE BATTLE/POLL BEGIN!!!!

The arena was silent but for the labored panting of Gorsgan, Rage Incarnate.

He panted out of the extreme anger within him. Rage twisted his formerly handsome face into the countenance of a demon, as he gnashed his teeth at the fog beyond the steel gates opposite to him.

The rest of the arena stared silently at the large steel gates as well, waiting nervously for the arrival of the creature they both feared and revered.

Far away in the distance, a melancholy clanking sound was heard.

Slowly, and steadily, the clanking grew closer. Louder and louder it clanked, a slow, sad, tune that chilled the audience to their bones.

A pebble on the otherwise smooth floor of the arena began to shiver and jump.

Drinks placed on armrests in the stands rippled, as if several earthquakes were set off, one after another.

Then all was still.

And all was silent, but for the labored breath of Gorsgan, and the rattling noise of many, many chains just outside the arena.

Through the thick, twisting mist, a giant figure was barely discernible.

Myriad chains bound his arms and fettered his feet, weighing him down, so that the proud giant was stooped before the gate.

The giant figure paused at the sight of the gates, and seemed to stare through the haze at the relatively small figure within the arena glaring at him.

A low chuckle could be heard, distorted and seemingly amplified by the fog.

Gorsgan answered with an equally low and far more threatening growl; and even the murky air around him seemed to edge away, as if the mist itself felt the anger and feared.

The giant merely shrugged, and with flung his arms outwards as though to embrace the gates.

Instead, lengths of chains whipped out from his arms, snaking through the bars of the gates. With a practiced twist of the arm, the giant sent the chains whipping around in an arc to fly high above and over the gates, to land back onto his arms with a dull clank.

The audience watched, entranced, as the giant gave a sharp tug on both lengths of chains.

With a scream of protest from the enormous gates, and squeals of pain from the rusted chains, the giant pulled the gates down on top of himself. With a grunt, he shouldered the thick, heavy gates on top of his back before stalking into the arena.

“You are not strong enough to stand up to my full strength, Gorsgan.” He said quietly. “Thus, the chains and the gates. You may begin safely in the knowledge that I shall not move from this spot, and that my voice shall not exceed this volume, lest your mind go mad from the pain.”

Gorsgan’s eyes could have popped from the pent-up rage behind it. How dare he? I am Gorsgan, Rage Incarnate, and you have dared to meet my challenge, an inexcusable act of arrogance in itself! Worse yet, you are taking my challenge crippling yourself with weighs! Why, you…

At this point, what little was left of Gorsgan’s mind that was not overwhelmed by rage yet stopped working completely. With an inhuman scream of anger, Gorsgan leapt at his enemy, fury propelling him upwards into the sky like a rocket, before summersaulting once in midair to plummet downwards, sword-first, straight onto the back of the Undefeated One.

The heavy gates weighed him down; there was no way for him to roll aside and dodge it. His chains, which might have intercepted the attack, were still clinging to the steel gates.

So he did the only thing he could.

With a grunt and an almighty heave, the Undefeated One threw the chains, gates and all, upwards into the path of the descending blow.

Down, down, and down the sword flashed, like an angry comet, glowing with the same incandescent rage of its owner.

Up, up, and up the gates and the chains went, fueled with the same inexorable strength of their master.

Even before the sword and the gates came into contact, the mist around the two combatants began to clear rapidly, as though the fog itself feared the oncoming blow. But the smart spectator would know that it was the winds coming off the gates and the swords that had blown the fog apart.

And then the two impossibly huge forces met.

With an enormous crash that resounded throughout the arena, the two great powers strove against each other.

For one short moment, it seemed as though the gates would send Gorsgan flying out of the arena.

But with Gorsgan was the power of gravity. And even the Undefeated One, mighty as he was, had to bow down to the forces of physics.

With a scream of protesting steel, the sword cut through the gates.

Continuing along its trajectory, Gorsgan’s sword cut right through the taut chains, effortlessly cutting the through the links as he seemed to plummet with sudden speed towards their origin.

Broken links of a once whole chain flew all around him in the air, temporarily suspended in mid-air by the force of the giant throw.

The Undefeated One saw, and reacted.

With a twist of his giant wrists, the chains gave a groan and at last broke apart.

Shaking off the fragments of chains from his body, he threw his arms wide, as if deliberately presenting a perfect target for Gorsgan.

Even in midair, the Rage Incarnate’s fury somehow exploded to another level at the perceived slight of his powers, fueling his sword to grow even sharper and deadlier.

Roaring in godlike wrath, the Rage Incarnate slashed downwards towards his completely undefended opponent. The sands of the arena whipped up around them, sent flying to the corners of the arena by the force of the oncoming blow.

The audience watched, stunned by the speed and strength with which the confrontation happened.

Even through the mountainous fury that was within Gorsgan, a small amount of satisfaction and glee crept into him, as the sword flashed, barely a foot from it’s target.

Then the giant palms of the Undefeated One crashed together, catching the sword of the Rage Incarnate between them, barely an inch before his chest.

Broken steel links began to rain down from the sky, falling around and about the two opponents. With a clang and a louder clank, the much-punished gates also fell to the earth.

For a moment, the two stared at each other, Gorsgan staring out of bewildered rage and the Undefeated One staring out of calm disappointment.

“You are weak.” He rumbled quietly. “And I envy you for it.”

Gorsgan’s eyes bulged outwards comically, the scars on his face trembled and his facial muscles twitched. His armour hardened even more around him, and the sword he held fairly glowed from the rage within him. A wild aura of rage sprung up and whirled all around him, sending a fierce wind buffeting across the arena; the very atmosphere the two combatants breathed in became surcharged by a sea of malice and hatred.

But if Gorsgan was a sea of anger, his opponent was a ship of calm, weathering the storms the sea raged at him without any trouble at all. Staring disinterestedly into Gorsgan’s face, the Undefeated One almost gently place him back onto the earth.

“Little man,” he rumbled. “I have fought many before, but you are not the first I have defeated,” he chuckled at the comment. “Join up with the others before you, and you shall have the fair battle against me.”

Gorsgan’s anger would have skyrocketed at such a comment; but it couldn’t. Gorsgan had long since hit the proverbial roof. With an impossibly loud howl of rage that set the stone walls of the arena crackling and the audience screaming in pain, his sword, having fallen to the earth, fairly leapt into his hand with a snapping noise.

Sand from the arena floors rushed away from him in waves, leaving The Rage Incarnate standing in a makeshift island of stone while the sands retreated to the furthest corners of the arena.

The steel links that fell to the floor rose again, unbidden, swirling around the arena in a maelstrom of fury, tearing up the stands and sending the audience screaming out of the arena.

And the two combatants faced off alone.

Still the Undefeated One wore a mask of calm interest, staring as the storm of steel tore up the arena around them.

Gorsgan’s eyes had changed colour; they were completely black now. The look of pure hatred and unreasoning fury he sent the Undefeated One would not have been out of place on that of a charging boar.

The arena was gone. Demolished by the waves of anger that now radiated visibly from the Rage Incarnate.

The links in the former chain, lacking a target now that all the walls and stands were destroyed, turned on their former master.

A twister of blood-red anger and gray-black steel whirled towards the Undefeated Champion, smashing into him and seemingly imprisoning him within them.

For one moment, it looked as though Gorsgan had already won.

But the Undefeated Champion was not so easily defeated.

Even within the whirlpool of links, a figure could be seen to hold its hands out wide. Even beneath the shrill sounds of chains clinking and clanking together, a threatening growl could be heard.

And then, there was a giant thunderclap, seemingly out of nowhere.

But the chains flew outwards, as though an explosion had occurred at what they formerly surrounded.

The Undefeated One dusted himself off, having still adhered to his rules of not moving an inch from his spot and not using his voice throughout the confrontation.

Gorsgan’s rage was beyond description. A nervous tic developed under his right eye, and his body was racked with occasional spasms as explosions of anger left him gasping for breath every few seconds.

His mouth opened, wide, wide, wide, as he stared almost forlornly at the melancholy, almost sleepy sky above him.

A raw ululation of primeval rage flew out of his mouth, the aura of rage about him growing dramatically, feeding on the atmosphere around it and polluting the very air with a sharp, stink of anger.

The aura solidified and grew to an almost tangible form, and the slapping, squelching sounds could be heard as the sea of rage splashed around Gorsgan, expanding outwards constantly at an alarming rate.

With a whirl of his sword, Gorsgan seemed to call to the sea around him, sending it swelling and turning in a fast, angry, dance, as though it would transform into another whirlpool, trapping him at its center.

But Gorsgan had no intention of doing so.

With a scream, and the maelstrom of rage whirling about him, the Rage Incarnate seemed to fly, parallel along the ground, at the Undefeated One, his sword pointing straight at his target.

The Rage around him kept pace with him, somehow twisting and turning to form a giant, whirling drill; with the pointed end pointed directly at the Undefeated One.

The sands beneath Gorsgan were pushed apart by the force of his blow; miles away, a the sand could be seen, sent flying miles high into the air, as if Gorsgan had become the modern Moses to part a sea of sand.

Fierce winds buffeted the Undefeated One, even before the blow had come to him; his wild mane of hair was blown about him, but his eyes were perfectly dull and calm.

If he was worried, he hid it very well.

With his hands by his sides, and his face completely hidden by a mask of calmness, it was impossible to say if he was truly worried.

But whatever the case, it no longer mattered.

Even through the fierce howls of the winds that Gorsgan had brought forth, a scream could clearly be heard.

The violent winds, so strong and proud not even a second ago, dropped and disappeared.

The rage about Gorsgan shimmered, shivered, and then slowly faded away.

The Rage Incarnate himself was writhing on the floor in pain.

What had happened?

Gorsgan’s anger, having already far exceeded what a normal human body could endure, had went completely through the roof, and then rocketed past the atmosphere to boot. And even Gorsgan, Rage Incarnate, couldn’t handle that much emotion.

He writhed, now, at the floor of the desert, foam flying from his mouth, suffering from the throes of a heart attack.

His face twitched uncontrollably between shock, pain, and a murderous fury, the Rage Incarnate spasmed continuously as the fury within him only increased from the frustration he felt.

The Undefeated One sighed, sorrow at yet another victory crashing through him. With a sad shake of his head, he walked away.

The giant melted into the heart of the desert, as the Rage Incarnate writhed and panted in the last throes of his heart attack.

Author’s Note: Despite him having no (definite) name, the Undefeated One will be referred to as “Kurst”
Gorsgan was yet again looking for another challenge. He had heard of a man who went supposedly undefeated. Gorsgan set out to dethrone him. But not to prove that he was better, not to gain glory, and not to test the true limit of his skills. He set out to defeat him because Gorsgan was tired of killing dragons and random people who just couldn’t match up to his skill, he needed a challenge. So after he finished eating his dragon lunch, he set out to find this “great warrior”.
For Kurst, it was just another boring day. This day he decided to put on heavy chains all over his body…that were attached to the large arena gate. It slowed him down like crap but he was still so strong he was tossing hundreds aside. It’s the same old song over and over again, Kurst thought to himself. He sat there thinking about his more glorious days. When he was about to smile another idiot managed to find him.
The man was a small man of Indian heritage. He was very short and burly. The small man spoke up, “My name is Raj. I have come to bring honor to my vill-” The Indian was cut off with a sword through his back and coming out of his gut. The Indian man was dead and Gorsgan was standing on the other end of the blade holding the hilt.
Gorsgan, as usual, started off screaming, “I came here to fight a great warrior. So stand aside!” then he tossed the man out of the arena and off a nearby cliff. Gorsgan then looked up at Kurst, “So, are you ready figh-” Gorsgan stopped talking and said stunned, “You’re… Kurst.” Kurst finally spoke, “I am.” Then Gorsgan responded, “I have heard a lot about you. Looks like I’m getting a lot more than what I bargained for” Kurst then thought to himself, that’s what I was afraid of. Gorsgan looked up at him and ordered, “Take of the chains.” Kurst stared at him as though he was stupid and said, “No. And I won’t move from this spot or use my…vocal powers” This made Gorsgan very upset. So upset, that he started yelling in all caps, “YOU WILL FIGHT ME AT YOUR BEST OR YOU WILL METAL IN SO MANY PLACES YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT BODY PARTS YOU STILL HAVE!”
Gorsgan charged Kurst. The surprise factor of the attack was something Kurst did not expect. Gorsgan had already let off a huge combo against Kurst. He landed some solid blows that actually were cutting half an inch into Kurst. After about 5 seconds of one of the world’s deadliest combos, Kurst gave into his sense of danger and sidestepped out of the way of Gorsgan’s next overhand swing. After which, Gorsgan made a sloppy swing at Kurst and Kurst took this opportunity and was behind Gorsgan in a matter of milliseconds. Then he bull punched Gorsgan in the back. Gorsgan shrugged off the blow as though it was nothing and went from crouching position, from his previous blow, to head-butting Kurst with the back of his head. All Gorsgan was thinking was how he was glad that he got Kurst to fight with some of his true potential.
Kurst quickly realized that holding back was going to be a bad idea. So Kurst caught Gorsgan’s head and picked up the fully armored man and chucked him across the arena. He then charged Gorsgan and the arena gates toppled on top of Kurst. As he charged Gorsgan the weight on him drastically slowed him down. They had slowed him down so much that Gorsgan had time to stand up. But Kurst arrived there as Gorsgan stood and hammered Gorsgan back down into the ground. Gorsgan was not in a good position and the blow had stunned him so he was out of rage. Gorsgan was out of what little strength he had left. Kurst was once again disappointed and started to pound Gorsgan into the ground attempting to knock him out.
Gorsgan was coughing up blood. It had been awhile since he had taken such a thrashing. Gorsgan had finally once again realized the thrill of a true fight. And he was determined to make it last. Then, through either sheer luck or skill he got up to his feet and created a gash all the way up Kurst’s torso. The blow had even knocked Kurst back despite all the weight he was carrying. Gorsgan then charged Kurst in a desperate attempt to reach him. Kurst, giving into the pressure yet again, responded by roaring. The roar knocked Gorsgan back but not too terribly much that Gorsgan lost hope. Then again, Gorsgan is not the type to give up. Thus, Gorsgan responded back with a rage-infused roar. The two titans’ roars clashed. It was a true spectacle of power of these two. Their similarities were unmistakable. They both sought a challenge, they both go undefeated, they both have single handedly destroyed armies, and they are both gods among men.
They both struggled to win this conflict. But Gorsgan, drawing upon his endless burning rage, slowly started gaining the upper hand in the conflict. Eventually Kurst gave out and the roar from Gorsgan completely and utterly destroyed the chains and doors on Kurst. And now that they were both at their peak of power the real battle could begin.
They both stood across from each other waiting for the other to make their move. Gorsgan had drained himself of rage and Kurst was in utter disbelief of the power of the warrior who stood before him. The two warriors of legend dashed and they both struck each other with amazing force. Gorsgan could feel his rage rising. They clashed again, this time with more power. They continued clashing till they were both just flying fists and dashing steel. They were trading blow for blow. Blocking each other’s every move. But Gorsgan slipped up. But right as Kurst was about to deal a finishing blow, Gorsgan pulled himself together, and headbutted Kurst in the gut. Then Gorsgan shouted while at the peak of his rage, “EVEN THE GODS DIE OUT EVENTULLY DIE OUT EVENTUALLY KURST! I LEARNED THAT WHEN I KILLED MY FAMILY!” Gorsgan then jumped up, flipped in mid-air and came crashing down on Kurst’s skull cutting him in half. Then the rage from his blade exploded demolishing every last piece of Kurst’s body.
Gorsgan then looked where Kurst’s body used to be and said, “May your journey to heaven, or hell, be a smooth one my friend.” Then he left the arena satisfied that he had finally met a challenge. For once Gorsgan had regretted killing his opponent.

Rochedan
07-25-2013, 11:24 PM
Alright.. The Undefeated one is not the giant in Wyrmspawn´s story. But in Malacal´s story Gorsagan looks up to The undefeated one.
The names and the lack of description kind of made it uneasy for me to define which character was speaking.


Both stories were a fun read, first I´m going to say something about Wyrmspawns story:
Lay-out:
Personally I'm not a fan of this kind of lay-out, the spacing seems to be good but used to frequently. To me it disrupts the flow of the story and makes my eyes skip downwards after each sentence.
Grammar
There were a few flaws here and there, one of those was the usage of words with the same meaning in one sentence, for example: Far away in the distance
You used pretty fancy words, and I think this is good. But you have to know when to use them and that's the tricky part.
Story
The introduction was good, but I missed description. How did the giant look? How did the Undefeated One look? I could not interpret who was who at one point in your story. The fighting and the chains were also a bit confusing and made me read sentences twice. The ending was good, props for that.


Now I'll say some things about Malacal's story:
Lay-out
This is the kind of lay-out I also tend to use. Although you could have used enter at least two or three times.
Grammar
The "started yelling all in caps" was disappointing to me, it is not necessary and sloppy in my opinion. you could just say your character screamed and not use caps.
I also saw a few flaws in your story, but i"m only going to point out the worst. it's in the ending: “EVEN THE GODS DIE OUT EVENTULLY DIE OUT EVENTUALLY KURST!
This made me laugh and shake my head at the same time. Sending your story to a second person to over-read it could avoid these kind of mistakes.
Story
I liked the introduction and your story contained a good build up in my opinion. The same problem as wyrm appears in your story. Who is who? Gorshan is your character, I get that. But why do you slip in The undefeated one's perspective, this confused me and was annoying.


My vote goes to Malacal!

Malacal
07-26-2013, 05:48 AM
Alright.. The Undefeated one is not the giant in Wyrmspawn´s story. But in Malacal´s story Gorsagan looks up to The undefeated one.
The names and the lack of description kind of made it uneasy for me to define which character was speaking.


Both stories were a fun read, first I´m going to say something about Wyrmspawns story:
Lay-out:
Personally I'm not a fan of this kind of lay-out, the spacing seems to be good but used to frequently. To me it disrupts the flow of the story and makes my eyes skip downwards after each sentence.
Grammar
There were a few flaws here and there, one of those was the usage of words with the same meaning in one sentence, for example: Far away in the distance
You used pretty fancy words, and I think this is good. But you have to know when to use them and that's the tricky part.
Story
The introduction was good, but I missed description. How did the giant look? How did the Undefeated One look? I could not interpret who was who at one point in your story. The fighting and the chains were also a bit confusing and made me read sentences twice. The ending was good, props for that.


Now I'll say some things about Malacal's story:
Lay-out
This is the kind of lay-out I also tend to use. Although you could have used enter at least two or three times.
Grammar
The "started yelling all in caps" was disappointing to me, it is not necessary and sloppy in my opinion. you could just say your character screamed and not use caps.
I also saw a few flaws in your story, but i"m only going to point out the worst. it's in the ending: “EVEN THE GODS DIE OUT EVENTULLY DIE OUT EVENTUALLY KURST!
This made me laugh and shake my head at the same time. Sending your story to a second person to over-read it could avoid these kind of mistakes.
Story
I liked the introduction and your story contained a good build up in my opinion. The same problem as wyrm appears in your story. Who is who? Gorshan is your character, I get that. But why do you slip in The undefeated one's perspective, this confused me and was annoying.


My vote goes to Malacal!

The "in all caps" thing was meant to be funny. For the rest I have no excuse.

Rochedan
07-26-2013, 07:02 AM
The "in all caps" thing was meant to be funny. For the rest I have no excuse.

Yes I understood it was meant to be funny. But it was unnecessary and pulled me back from the arena into the real world :P

Wyrmspawn
07-26-2013, 07:44 AM
Alright.. The Undefeated one is not the giant in Wyrmspawn´s story. But in Malacal´s story Gorsagan looks up to The undefeated one.
The names and the lack of description kind of made it uneasy for me to define which character was speaking.


Both stories were a fun read, first I´m going to say something about Wyrmspawns story:
Lay-out:
Personally I'm not a fan of this kind of lay-out, the spacing seems to be good but used to frequently. To me it disrupts the flow of the story and makes my eyes skip downwards after each sentence.
Grammar
There were a few flaws here and there, one of those was the usage of words with the same meaning in one sentence, for example: Far away in the distance
You used pretty fancy words, and I think this is good. But you have to know when to use them and that's the tricky part.
Story
The introduction was good, but I missed description. How did the giant look? How did the Undefeated One look? I could not interpret who was who at one point in your story. The fighting and the chains were also a bit confusing and made me read sentences twice. The ending was good, props for that.


Now I'll say some things about Malacal's story:
Lay-out
This is the kind of lay-out I also tend to use. Although you could have used enter at least two or three times.
Grammar
The "started yelling all in caps" was disappointing to me, it is not necessary and sloppy in my opinion. you could just say your character screamed and not use caps.
I also saw a few flaws in your story, but i"m only going to point out the worst. it's in the ending: “EVEN THE GODS DIE OUT EVENTULLY DIE OUT EVENTUALLY KURST!
This made me laugh and shake my head at the same time. Sending your story to a second person to over-read it could avoid these kind of mistakes.
Story
I liked the introduction and your story contained a good build up in my opinion. The same problem as wyrm appears in your story. Who is who? Gorshan is your character, I get that. But why do you slip in The undefeated one's perspective, this confused me and was annoying.


My vote goes to Malacal!

Thank you for the compliments. Yeah, I finally found out about the confusion everyone is refering to.

I deleted the paragraph revealing the giant to be the Undefeated One accidentally.

So some of you read through the entire thing believing the giant to be Gorsgan, which makes it seem weird when the Undefeated One pops out all of a sudden.

As for the chains, I still don't see about the confusion, but I guess I focused too much on making everything dramatic and forgot about making everything clear to the reader.

As for the spacing, well, it was supposed to bring a lot of suspense; you see the giant is not revealed as the Undefeated One until the fight begins, and that it was never revealed if he had a plan ready to counter Gorsgan's strike.

Thanks for the first impression, The Organization; I think it's hard to find many words that mean the exact same thing as rage. I tried anger, fury, and wrath, but that's all I could think of, so I stuck with rage.

The Organization
07-26-2013, 09:39 AM
proper cnc later
In terms of First impressions.
Wyrm: Rage everywhere. For UOne, conventional battles don't really work in your favor because your character is so strong, suspense building is difficult. The fight was dynamic though, but I lost interest every time I saw the word rage. Like Rochedan, I was totally confused by your descriptions and the chain things. I had no idea who was who except for when you used names, but the flow was alright.
Malacal: Your stories are very similar but the CAPS and bad spacing really killed it for me. "Although, it was meant to be funny, the whole Rage thing started to get played out after a while. Look at how HULK does it. Rather than using it as his main tactic, Gorsgon fights would be more dynamic and engaging if he saw Rage as a weakness, and only succumbed to it when he is getting his ass kicked.

Tantalum
07-30-2013, 07:17 AM
I read through these a little while ago, but only now got round to posting my thoughts:

I actually didn't have a problem with understanding Wyrmspawn's story, although some of the scenes felt a little stretched - namely, how Gorsgan seemed to be in the air quite a while after that first leap - some shorter sentences or longer paragraphs in said parts could help it flow a lot better. The overall structure was fitting for the characters involved, and I rather liked the few lines of dialogue shared (especially so that it wasn't overdone).

I feel like Malacal's style of humour wasn't quite getting to me throughout his piece =S but I'll leave that to personal taste. The pacing seemed too summarised at the start; some elaboration on Gorsgan's past challengers and/or the 'huge combos' mentioned really could've added a level more interest. The latter half certainly corrected this, though personally I would have drawn out the twists and attacks that occurred - while they were placed well story-wise, they just don't seem nearly as brutal or critical when they're described quickly xP.

My vote goes to Wyrmspawn this round. Best of luck to both of you in future battles x).

Malacal
07-30-2013, 07:53 AM
lol, I'm getting owned. XD

Nightlock
07-31-2013, 11:38 PM
I compliment your collaboration, it was unexpected in a very nice way. :)

Your story, Wyrmspawn, had a really good opening. Described setting, interesting build-up, and good detailed descriptions of the combatants, and even some on the viewers inhabiting the arena. Unlike some of the past CnCers, I felt your story was easy to follow, or at least easier of the two. I even think that you succeeded in the suspense building with the constant usage of spacing between sentences; I paid much more attention in response to it's continual use.
PERSONAL NOTE:: And it's because of that that I was extremely disappointed with your ending. xD Really? With all of that suspense and creative use of Gorsgan's random rage incarnations, that's how you chose to write The Undefeated One's victory? I mean, sure he's The Undefeated One, but can't he have more of a presence in the cause of his winning? Gawd, I was so into it, almost out of my chair, waiting for the impact, for the impaling of body with blade, and you took it from me. You not only took it from me, you left me agape, slacked armed, and in all honesty thinking "WTF? NO!" *Sigh* I digress.
Overall, it was a good read.

I had a little trouble with your opening, Malacal. In that first paragraph, I believe that you explained that the reasoning of Gorsgan's search for The Undefeated One is because he was bored and in search of a challenge. And I'm not sure if you just portrayed boredom so well, or if it was because of the boredom he felt, but I, too, felt slightly bored with it. I'm sorry if that sounds offensive, just my honest opinion. The humor was hit and miss, but in truth, I laughed at the line about all-caps, so well done with that one. ^^ Your fight scene was the better of the two IMO as well, but lacked a lot of description that I felt you could have utilized to make it longer and fluid.

A difficult decision, but a decided one it is. My vote goes to Wyrmspawn. ^^

Good job, both of you.

Wyrmspawn
08-09-2013, 01:21 AM
I compliment your collaboration, it was unexpected in a very nice way. :)
And it's because of that that I was extremely disappointed with your ending. xD Really? With all of that suspense and creative use of Gorsgan's random rage incarnations, that's how you chose to write The Undefeated One's victory? I mean, sure he's The Undefeated One, but can't he have more of a presence in the cause of his winning? Gawd, I was so into it, almost out of my chair, waiting for the impact, for the impaling of body with blade, and you took it from me. You not only took it from me, you left me agape, slacked armed, and in all honesty thinking "WTF? NO!" *Sigh* I digress.


Well, to be honest, I over-did the epicness in Gorsgan's strike a little bit, and I couldn't top that attack's epicness without using the Undefeated One's signature moves. In other words, I couldn't think of a way to stop the attack in a way that was as dramatic as the attack itself. So I ended it with a little bit of humour instead, but it seems that the humour didn't go too well, after all.

Nightlock
08-09-2013, 02:41 AM
Oh, dude. LOL, I could definitely understand the over-epicness you displayed. But please don't take that portion of what I wrote as my biggest criticism. I intended to write that bit as, what you could potentially describe, a fan. You really had me sucked into the battle, almost like I was in the crowd. The humor might have missed a bit, but don't take my rant negatively. Compare it to a book you highly enjoy, and then the climax occurs and you wished it had gone a different route then the way it did, and you just needed to unload your thoughts on someone about it. In this case, I had the writer of the piece I could unload my thoughts on (which I've always wanted to do :p).

If it's all the same, go ahead and read my personal note again, but this time use a slightly higher pitched, whiny, excited voice. LOL, that's how I meant it.