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View Full Version : Chance (Chamel) vs. DonJhea (Rawrz)



Chamel
10-27-2013, 04:44 PM
Here they are at long last!!

Chance Downtown:
A bi-curious playboy with the ability to manipulate blood and make ladies swoon.

DonJhea "the Reckless" Kenner:
A surprisingly young lady with the body of a woman, the ferocity of a tiger, and the ability to fashion weapons out of her blood

Chamel's Entry:
It was a rather typical day in the wRHG building. People were conversing with each other like old friends, and even a few loud laughs erupted across the lobby of the building. The people there, however, were unusual. People, if you could even call some of them that, had brightly colored hair, or even exaggerated features such as nails or teeth.

A particular man was chatting amongst a small group of women, two of which were latched onto his arms as he smiled. His bright, cherry-red hair seemed to shine even in the artificial light of the room. He was needless to say, very handsome, with his sharp features and cunning eyes. Even his red, business-suit like attire seemed to beautify his features further.

“Chance Downtown. Please report to the front desk.” A voice on the intercom sounded through the room, catching the attention of the man.

He apologized to the girls around him as he excused himself, the girls wishing him luck before gathering in a circle and talking about their newest experience with the man.

Chance proceeded to the front desk, as he was told, and leaned on the counter. A man with jet-black hair and thin, wire-rimmed glasses placed on the perch of his nose, looked up at him. His expression was indifferent as he handed the suited man a folder.

“This will be your opponent.” He said bluntly, turning back to the computer he was working at.

“Thanks for the kind greeting, mate.” Chance muttered sarcastically.

“Anytime.”

The suited man rolled his eyes and opened the folder. A picture of a hard-faced female, no older than fifteen, with long brown hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, was paper-clipped to the front of a small packet of papers. A thin strip of hair seemed to escape the hair-holder, and was pushed off towards the left of her face. Her violet eyes were cold behind her black-framed glasses. Chance smiled; she was so young, how could she be his opponent?

“Excuse me, mate. Is this really my opponent?”

The man behind the desk looked up at him lazily, and opened his mouth to speak, but was cut short by a female voice.

“And are you really mine?”

Chance turned and grinned with a fierce pleasure in his scarlet eyes. Standing before him was the teenage girl he had just seen a photo of. She was now wearing a green, tight-fitting tank top and jeans that frayed at the ends. Her black high-tops pulled the outfit together nicely, making her look much older than she really was.

“Ah, DonJhea. How lovely to see you.” Chance greeted, reading her name off of the packet. “You look quite fetching this evening.”

“Chance.” She replied coldly, crossing her arms indignantly.

“Ah, I see you are in a absolutely lovely mood this evening.” The suited man applauded sarcastically, a wide grin plastered to his face as he held his gaze with the teenage girl's.

DonJhea merely rolled her eyes before leaning her torso on the front desk, her arms folded in front of her still. Chance chuckled under his breath and placed the packet next to her before placing his hands on his hips.

“Excuse me, Daniel, may we have our room number please?” He asked the man behind the counter

Daniel looked up and over the the rim of his glasses before sighing and handing the pair a small slip of paper. “On there you will find your required room. Just don't dirty things up too much; I'm the one who has to clean.” He sighed and turned back to the computer and typed away furiously at the keyboard.

“Could you say it a little nicer, mate?” Chance chuckled and gave a wink, but was rudely turned down with a roll of Daniel's eyes. The suited gentleman grinned and sauntered off, leaving a tsking DonJhea behind.

She quickly caught up however, remaining silent as they trekked down the long hallway, looking for their designated room. Luckily it wasn't too far, only three down and to the left.

“Well, ladies first.” Chance chuckled holding the door open for DonJhea politely.

“How very gracious of you.” She replied dryly.

My, my. There seems to be an attitude with this one. The suited gentleman chuckled inwardly, following the younger girl inside.

“So... Can we start already? I have somewhere to be soon.” DonJhea's tone sounded bored, as if it wasn't worth her time being here.

“Of course, girly. Like I said, ladies first.” Chance chuckled, stripping off his suit jacket to reveal a black waistcoat that hugged his form fittingly. He flung it to the side to lay on the ground, not caring too much for the dust that rose when it hit the surface.

DonJhea stared at him, eyes blazing with a fierceness that wasn't present before they entered the room. She stood there, slowly cracking her knuckles one by one, never breaking her eye-contact with Chance. He had to admit, she seemed rather serious, especially for her age. This was certainly going to be a fun ride.

“Shall we?” He chuckled, bringing his thumb to his mouth. He bit the skin, tearing it to produce blood.

“We shall.” DonJhea replied, turning and lowering her body in a sloppy stance.

The teenage girl kicked off the ground, beginning to sprint towards Chance with impressive speed for her age. She closed the small gap between them quickly, planting her foot and bringing the other around in a clean roundhouse. Chance chuckled and ducked, bringing his fingers up to snap quickly. With the unusual command, the blood that dripped down his thumb sprung from his body and tied a bloody rope around the female's vulnerable leg. The red lasso pulled back, taking DonJhea with it.

She grunted as she twisted her body, planting her hands on the ground to swing her leg to catch Chance in the side. The blood fell from her other leg as Chance skidded away, clutching at his side. DonJhea twisted around and jumped up, landing in a low squat and facing her opponent. Chance's breathing was ragged as he slowly stood up, trying to regain some of the breath that had just been knocked out of him.

“Very... Impressive... Girly...” He chuckled in between heavy breaths. With a sharp intake of breath, he stood up straight, already recovered from the hit.

“You use blood...?” DonJhea whispered, barely audible. The question seemed... Out of place, almost.

Chance cocked his head and raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Yes?” He answered, gingerly rubbing at his sore side. “Is that a problem?”

The teenage girl lowered her head as she stood, the only feature that was visible was her wide smile, something that didn't seem natural. She slowly rose her head once she was standing straight, her violet eyes behind her black-framed glasses glinting with ferocity.

“You see... I use blood too...” She smiled cruelly and brought her arms in an 'X' in front her face. DonJhea brought them down quickly again; two curved blades shot out of her skin, not seeming to tear it. But what was unusual was that they had a maroon tint to them.

Chance stood there, mouth agape in awe, as he stared at the blades that were embedded in her skin. “Very impressive indeed! Truly amazing!” He shouted, clapping his hands together in applause. His teeth shone slightly as his smile stretched to its limits. He was truly impressed. “But can you handle yourself well against me?”

“Of course.” She lowered her body in another stance, leaning her body back slightly.
Chance chuckled as the blood, now splattered on the ground, caught his sight. It was right behind DonJhea, in her blind spot. His eyes darted back to the teenage girl's, a mischievous grin plastered to his face. He slowly took a step toward her; one after another, nearing her slowly. She stood rigid, her arms in front of her defensively.

Perfect. Chance chuckled smugly as he brought his hand in front of his face, pretending to inspect his fingers.

“How fast are you?” He asked, blowing on the tips of his nails, casting only a single glance towards the girl.

She seemed taken aback slightly, but answered nonetheless, “I like to think myself a pretty quick person.”

Chance chuckled again, the sound sending a chill down DonJhea's spine, though she didn't show it. “You better make sure.” He brought his hands up above his head, the sleeves folding in on themselves just slightly as they fell. With a chuckle, he snapped.

The blood behind DonJhea rippled and shook before shooting towards the female. She turned quickly, her reflexes saving her by a fraction of an inch. As she turned, she ducked, and the blood rocketed past her cheek, tearing a small scratch in her skin. With her low body position, DonJhea growled low and kicked off the ground. Chance chuckled as she sprung in the air to avoid another assault; but her opponent was smarter.

Chance snapped again, and the blood changed directions; it shot towards her again, aiming to pierce through her mid-section, but she twisted at the last moment with an audible grunt. She spun and the blood-spike missed her just barely. Then she fell.

Although she was graceful, she was still defenseless. The blood twisted again, this time it went beneath DonJhea. It strung together to form a net like formation, into which the woman fell into with an audible grunt of frustation. The net quickly tied itself, interlacing its bloody strands tightly. Chance chuckled, just barely showing his teeth as he stepped nearer towards the captured teenager. DonJhea struggled against the net, but no matter how many times she broke the strands, it merely reformed right before her eyes.

“You can try girly, but you'll merely tire yourself out; which will make it that much easier to claim another win.” He chuckle escaped passed his lips again, curling them back ever so slightly. His footsteps echoed off the concrete walls around the pair, and stopped abruptly when the gentleman halted directly in front of the net fashioned from blood. “Although, there is one way I would let you out.”

Chance cooed, stroking his chin lightly as he he stood there, staring with a fascinated gleam in his eyes. The young teenage girl was relentless, and he honoured that. Her grunts of resistance come out sharply as she struggled to get free; but time and time again, the net nearly reformed around her.

“Fuck! Fine. What do you want.” She growled, her breath slightly uneven from her failed efforts for freedom. Her hair had fallen in her face and her glasses hung barely on the tip of her nose; her lips were turned down in a scowl. Something about her being... It didn't say 'no' or even seemed submissive as Chance had hoped for. He kept his eyes narrowed on her as he spoke her ransom.

“You see, girly, you have a very nice figure, even for one so young.” He began, his eyes fixed on her violet irises. “And it would be a shame if it would go to waste.”

By now, DonJhea had settled down quite considerably, her movements halting almost immediately as the gentleman's words passed through his thin lips. A silence had settled upon them, and felt so heavy that it seemed like the only noises in the room were there individual breathing. She continued to scowl at the older man, but her eyes and the reddening of her cheeks made it clear that she had put two and two together.

“And what would you want me to do..?” She questioned, in between clenched teeth.

Chance rubbed his hands together greedily. “I would like you to by me dinner.”

DonJhea stayed there, her struggling completely at bay as the words rang through her head. She didn't move, she didn't speak, and it seemed as if she didn't even blink. Either the shock of the gentleman's question was too outlandish for her or--

The teenage girl erupted in a fit of laughter. Her cries of expressed humor rang endlessly off the walls around them and the sound filled Chance's ears as he fought back a frown.

“I see that this amuses you... Care to explain why, girly?” He asked, raising an eyebrow and gesturing a hand out in confusion.

DonJhea merely continued to laugh. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes as she gripped at her stomach. Her blood-blades had disappeared from her arms. Her face was turning bright red as she doubled over in the net, swinging it in slow circles. Now Chance was beginning to get upset. His lips twisted into an ugly scowl that didn't seem natural with his features.

“Well then. You are one rude young lass.” He growled, his maroon eyes flashing with a hint of anger. “Looks like I'll have to show you to respect your elders.” His right hand rose and pointed towards the young woman, whose laughter was growing a seed of fury in the pit of Chance's stomach.

The gentleman snapped, and the blood wound around DonJhea's body. The force ceased her amusement and replaced it with a choking noise as pressure was added to her throat. Now the amusement was with Chance, and he chuckled as he watched her struggle still.

The sight of her so helpless, so vulnerable... He shook the though from his head, but licked his lips hungrily. The strained grunts from her were enough to send his heart soaring in thrill. Oh how had he had missed this feeling. The feeling of a blood lust that could only be quelled by the shrills of a little women; although he had hoped for an older woman.

“Let me go you red-headed bastard!” DonJhea shouted in between coughs. She tried and tried to wiggle her way out of the ensnarement, but just like before, her efforts were all in vain.

Chance merely smiled and pretended to inspect his cuticles. Although they were perfect, he was just waiting for her to answer to his before-mentioned statement.

“Alright fine! I'll buy you dinner!” She shouted. Something was hidden in the back of her tone, almost like an underlying message.

Chance blew it off, however, and snapped almost as soon as the words burst their way through her teeth. DonJhea fell to the ground in a fit of coughs as she clutched at her throat, as if trying to make up for lost breathing time. The gentleman waited for her to finish, and it seemed to take a while, to the point where his gaze was wandering around the room, wondering what he was going to order. At long last, her exasperated coughs settled down to a quiet wheezing.

“Well now. Just to be kind, I'll let you pick the restaurant, girly.” He cooed, bending over to help her up. The teenage girl shot a glare full of hatred at him, but it only caused the man to chuckle.

DonJhea sat there, glaring at him for what seemed like ages. Chance held the stare with a mischievous look in his eyes. His expression resembled that of a sly cat that had a victorious battle with a ball of yarn; a look that simply read 'victory is mine'.

The teenage girl sucked in a sharp breath and released it in disappointment. She slowly rose her hand and slipped her hands into Chance's soft palm. The man helped her stand and watched as she brushed the invisible dust off her clothes.

“I guess I should thank you for letting me go... Huh..?” She asked, using her index finger to push her black-rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose. She crossed her arms and leaned back a bit as she awaited a response. The stance she took when she leaned back... It seemed almost familiar in a way...

“You can, but I won't force you, girly.” Chance turned away and snapped with his fingers, the sound inaudible to even himself. “Come along now.” He looked over his shoulder to see her staring at him, her expression blank.

“What is it?” He asked, turning to face the teenage girl. She stood motionless behind him, her oddly blank expression sending a chill down his spine.

“You're such fool.” Her lips curled back in a tight smirk. Without warning, DonJhea leapt forward with blinding speed, a red blade erupting from the surface of her skin just as fast. The weapon flew towards Chance's neck. The edge stuck in this throat, and pulled through the flesh, tearing it to shreds. Ragged skin was soon soaked in crimson liquid as blood spilled from the opening.

The pair stood there motionless, DonJhea's blade wedged into Chance's throat. The teenage girl was smiling cruelly as blood dripped down her blade; Chance's blood. The gentleman could only stare in shock as he stood there, letting blood flow down the edge of the blade.

“How vexing...” He muttered. DonJhea rose an eyebrow in confusion.

“How can you speak?!” She shouted, her eyes lighting up with anger.

Chance smirked and brought his fingers together tightly. He snapped, and the blood that was once collected on the teenager's blade swirled around the pair, whipping up a whirlwind that fluttered their clothes in every direction. It seemed to get faster and faster, until it was at a deadly speed. DonJhea's eyes darted around the small, enclosed space and withdrew her blade from Chance's neck.

“How?!” She shouted, her voice just barely audible over the sound of clothes flying through the wind. Her blades grew with her anger, the edges seeming to sharpen as well.

“Well, look here, girly.” He chuckled, pointing towards his eyes, trying to focus her attention. His lips were curled in a sly grin as he leaned back. A perfect replica of the front of his body tore away from his real self. There was a gash in its throat where DonJhea had sunk her blade in, and it was completely see through as the real body of Chance stepped away. “Blood clones are so useful, don't you think?”

The teenage girl's eyes widened in surprise, but soon returned to a vat of anger boiling over. She didn't know what to do; she was trapped right now, in a vortex of blood.

“Shit!” She shouted, and charged Chance.

The man grinned and snapped again. The blood wrapped tightly around the young woman, completely flying past Chance. She struggled again, this time using her blades to try and cut at the strands of blood. She fought and fought, her cries of rage and desperation growing louder and louder with each slice she took. However, her efforts were not enough. Quickly, and efficiently the blood wrapped around her arms, her legs, her torso, neck, anything that it could get a hold of. The strand that was wrapped around her neck tightened further and further slowly cutting off her access to oxygen. Chance only stood by as he watched with deranged satisfaction of the useless struggle of the young woman in front of her.

“Checkmate, girly.” He smirked as he watched the consciousness slowly slip out of her eyes. He wasn't fully satisfied until he saw her body go limp, and he approached her. Taking her chin in his hands gently, he rose the young face and gazed at it. Her glasses were sitting crooked on the bridge of her nose while her eyes were completely still. The sight of her unconscious was a rather... Humorous sight, and he couldn't help but chuckle as he let her head fall to her chest.

“Good match.”



Rawrz's Entry:
It was December and England was covered in a beautiful blanket of white. Buildings varying from short to tall covered the place with lights from windows and neon signs. To mark the coming of Christmas a Club Bangers DJ Contest Finals was being held in Club Flye, one of the major nightclubs in England. People crowded in front of the club while there were lines of people from every which way, making the lines seem like they stretched for miles. The sight of the people meant that it was time and DonJhea didn’t want to be late for the action. Running and pushing through the crowd of people a tall, three hundred pound, muscular body guard stops DonJhea but before he could ask his question the man was interrupted by the sight of DonJhea’s MVP I.D. Walking into the club a grin of excitement came across DonJhea’s face as she went into the back of the building. With everyone dropping silent the MC came out with a microphone in hand, dressed in sea blue glitter suit with blue eye liner on and a black tie with black leather shoes. “Ladies and gentleman it’s the event you’ve all been waiting for! The Club Bangers DJ Contest Finals! DJs from around the world that made it this far have came to fight for the title of champion!” The club was filled with roaring of the crowd as each finalist went and performed dropping intense beats.


DonJhea’s match has been saved for the final match to see the winner. Coming out from the back of the club the MC appeared with a woman in each arm. “Now let’s determine our winner ladies and gentleman! Introducing the five time in a row champion, DJ Fox Trot! “The roar grew louder and more intense as a man dressed in a black silk tuxedo walks out clapping his hands, revving up the crowd. His red hair shined in different tints of red in the lights and he began to flirt with a young girl who seemed to be a huge fan. “And now our newcomer, though she may be only fifteen that didn’t stop her from blowing away her competition, DJ Don- Chan!” Instead of being cheered DonJhea was booed instead but that didn’t bother her in the least. “Drop the beats in THREE, TWO, ONE, DROP!” Before she began to DonJhea threw off her jacket revealing her attire: a black t-shirt with a green design of growling panda that glowed in the dark, black skinny jeans, black and white striped high top sneakers, and black and white custom made headphones with her initials ‘DK’ on each side in platinum. DonJhea raised her hands and began to jump up and down getting the crowd revved up. The lights shined off of her glasses and her grin became wider as the crowd got louder and louder. Stopping, DonJhea plugs her headphones into the mix table and DJ Fox Trot did the same, not long after the two began throwing wubs and dropping intense beats. Everyone on the dance floor were dancing and fist pumping and DonJhea danced as she combined wubs with different beats and tempos, men and women danced with Fox Trot cheering him on.

The battle of the DJ’s when on for hours until the two were thrown into sudden death. Taking a break Fox Trot approached DonJhea and placed his arm around her waist. “Tell you what, you forfeit now and I’ll give you the night of your life.” he mused. Raising one eyebrow DonJhea shot the man a disgusted look “Listen man you’ve got some nerve saying that to me. I’m DonJhea Kenner, not one of those sleazy girls you hook up with.” DonJhea growled. “My apologies Ms. Kenner, I didn’t mean to offend you. My name is Chance Downtown.” Chance teased. Holding one hand out for DonJhea to take Chance’s other hand was behind his back and in his hidden hand a sword of blood. Smirking Chance slices upward but DonJhea blocks it with her arm. Expecting for her arm to be split in half Chance was shocked to see a pouting child in front of him. “Really, do your research on your opponent before pursuing them next time.” DonJhea pouted. Her arm was a crimson red and a bare part of her light caramel skin showed yet was soon covered by the crimson red armor-like shield. Sporting a surprised look on his face, Chance’s sword soon transform into a handful of daggers causing DonJhea to retreat. A grin came across both of their faces and the two charged into one another without holding back.


In the midst of the battle the two had enough energy and speed to break through the wall leaving a gaping hole. Blood flew and spattered staining the white blanket of snow outside as the two threw blows at one another. Blades of crimson shot from DonJhea’s arms as Chance sent a barrage of blood darts. Two darts each piercing into DonJhea’s shoulder, thigh, and one skidding across her side sent a stinging sensation throughout her body; gritting her teeth DonJhea pulls out the darts then envelopes her body in blood covering her skin with hardened blood. The crimson shade of red reflected in the light of the street lamps and the snow resembled glitter upon its surface. Dusting himself off Chance began to smirk at DonJhea as he held out his hand and a long sword began to form. “Wait a second; don’t you have a bedtime kid? How old are you ten?” Chance asked smugly. Suddenly DonJhea stands still and tightens her fist. Looking upward DonJhea gave Chance an expression of anger and hatred. “I’m not a little kid! Don’t you ever call me that understand! I hate when people look down on me like that because my age!” Smashing her fist together DonJhea’s human shield covers her skin and large spiked fist transformed upon her hands. Manipulating the blood from his body Chance creates a shield and greatsword. Charging forward with blind anger, Chance timed his opening perfectly and swings his sword upward with a tremendous amount of strength sending DonJhea flying.




Landing headfirst and slamming into a light pole, DonJhea laid on the ground bleeding from her forehead for the strength of Chance’s blow broke the Human Shield. With her blood seeping back into her skin DonJhea raises her right hand and the puddles of her blood began to spike and move. Raising her head as if she’s grabbing for something above her DonJhea closes her head in a tight fist as her blood formed into to spears spreading throughout the snow stabbing into Chance as if they were needles being stabbed into a voodoo doll. Barely able to stand, cloths soaked in his own blood, Chance conjures his blood into armor and a sword with jagged and deep ridges that looked like it could rip a person’s flesh into to chunks of carnage. Shakily, DonJhea sits forward panting her breath visible in the cold winter air. Getting on all fours like an animal she began to snarl and growl with anger. Her nails began to grow into sharp claws and her teeth began to sharpen and her birthmark began to glow red. Her light brown hair turned into a dark red color with her violet eyes turning white with spliced pupils. Like water being squeezed out of a sponge, blood seeped out of DonJhea’s skin and a dark aura emitted from her. “I can hear your heart beating” DonJhea bellowed “And the scent of your blood makes me want to devour you even more.” As DonJhea laughed manically her blood and aura mix together and her enter the ground. Suddenly a wide mouth surrounded DonJhea from underneath and swallows DonJhea whole creating a giant bubble like structure resting on the ground.


The structure then imploded and came out a beast of madness. The crescent moon in the sky became a blood red as it let out a thundering howl. Chance’s eyes widened as he slowly stepped backward in fear. Drawing his sword and readying his shield Chance charges in barely managing to reflect the beast’s tails. Pouncing into air for an aerial strike the beast roared and shot five of its tails into Chance’s body breaking the armor and shield as the other two tails wrapped around his arms, pulling away from his body until Chance’s arms ripped off . Thrashing his body about like a dog with a ragdoll in his mouth, the beast slammed Chance into the ground creating a wave of snow to fly. Barely hanging onto life he looks at the beast and vomited blood. Stopping in its tracks the moon returned to its normal color and the beast roared in agony and a black and red mist surrounded its body. As the mist disappeared a panting child with torn and bloody clothing was seen, for it was DonJhea that was the beast. “Be grateful that I didn’t devour you. Next time I won’t be so generous.”


Vote Fair
CnC is always a pleasure~!

Crank
10-27-2013, 06:19 PM
Very interesting battle, Chamel! I really like the portrayal of the characters, it truly felt like the battle of the blood brawlers was between two, I don't want to say villains, but diffidently something close! Neither of them seemed to be much of a good guy, and when you're dealing with baddies it's so easy to fall back on the typical homicidal psychopath everyone hates. You did not do that. Respect.

The only thing that got to me a little bit was words used too repeatedly again so soon. I don't know, it just reads repetitions, and it diffidently sounds like you've got a wide enough vocabulary to dodge that.

Chance smiled; she was so young, how could she be his opponent?

“Excuse me, mate. Is this really my opponent?”

Chance smiled; she was so young, how could he possibly be fighting her?

“Excuse me, mate. Is this really my opponent?”

There were a few more, but I lost them.

Anyway, very good story! I look forward to more from you!

Tantalum
10-29-2013, 10:20 AM
Much agreed with Crank on this one. The characters' personalities read nicely, the combat itself had a quick pacing, and the ending was no less grim than expected of Chance. I would've liked to see more diversity in the fight setting and the dialogue, but otherwise it made for a pretty nice read x). Now to just hope your opponent didn't disappear after all, I can see it's been a really long while since we had a (non-tournament) wRHG battle completed here.

Crank
10-29-2013, 09:17 PM
Now to just hope your opponent didn't disappear after all, I can see it's been a really long while since we had a (non-tournament) wRHG battle completed here.
To be fair, there's probably a lot of fear, or at least hesitation due to the possibility of being overshadowed.

Chamel
10-29-2013, 09:23 PM
Hmm... Maybe... But still... Rawrz should post her battle~ I love seeing how people portray each other's OC's, just to get a feel of how people can adapt to other's personalities.

She also said that she's been done, but doing revising. This was like last week... She waited on me, so now to even the game, I'm waiting on her, haha.

blakphoenix
10-30-2013, 08:01 PM
His expression resembled that of a sly cat that had a victorious battle with a ball of yarn; a look that simply read 'victory is mine'.

All I have to say to that is "WHAT?! Lol!" Good one my comrade, good one. :D

I only hope your opponent can send in her battle so that you don't get too far ahead of me in rankings! :P

And just like you titled it, not your best by far. I'm sure you know what you did wrong here and how to fix it.

Chamel
11-11-2013, 08:27 PM
Well it's finally up every-writer! Please read both entries, vote fairly, and CnC the crap out of this if you can; there's always room for improvement!

RaWrz-Cupcakes44
11-12-2013, 01:22 PM
nice job Chamel :D
i don't usually say this when in a match but i gotta say i think this win goes to you my friend
mighty fine job

Shadowkirby
11-12-2013, 08:49 PM
Liking both of your stories, but my vote goes to Rawrz (I changed my vote from Chamel to Rawrz after re-reading the stories). Here's my CnC:

Chamel: Your story is pretty organized and played out, but there have been some problems with it, starting off with the biggest elephant in the story: calling DonJhea "Girly." That word alone annoyed the hell out of me, and it doesn't fit right with any of the sentences that was included. Try using "missy, miss, darling, young lady, or lassie, any of these names would sound a bit more proper, girly doesn't sound as polite or well-mannered.

She was now wearing a green, tight-fitting tank top and jeans that frayed at the ends. Was is a past-tense, meaning she "use" to, but adding now makes the sentence a bit confusing. It would sound better with "She is seen wearing a green..." in which this sounds better.

“How very gracious of you.” She replied dryly. It would have sounded a bit better if she was being sarcastic while being sour simultaneously, or just have her say it "sarcastically" instead of "dryly."

Another thing that bothers me, how OLD is Chance? It sounds odd of seeing a grown adult hitting on a fifteen-year old. Doesn't it sound like borderline pedophilia somewhere, unless he's around 17 or 19, but if he's in his 20s or later, he's going to receive a restraining order.

It was a fine read, but I don't think it's one of your best.

DonJhea:

First off, your paragraphs are too squished to be readable. Try separating it into smaller paragraphs of either 5 or 6 sentences each, and for the verbal sentences, make them their own paragraph even if it's only one sentence, or italicize them to make it easier on the eyes.

Other than that, it was a good read. I'd actually enjoy it, though the setting within a "rave club" is vague in my terms. :P

ErrorBlender
11-13-2013, 08:26 AM
Nice job to the both of you, Chamel and RaWrz-Cupcakes44.

Chamel's piece ::

Reading the entirety of it, you could have done a bit better my friend. There was a bit of repetition, a sort of bump in vocabulary that I know you could have stepped over easily. Now to the setting. It was a decent one, a blank one. But the battle flowed nicely and the portrayal of personality was good.

RaWrz-Cupcakes44 piece ::

I like how you started the battle, it added a unique flair to the entire thing and it was great. Although, you could have used a lot more spacing to your paragraphs, it seems a bit scrunched up and it was a bit hard to read. Basically, ShadowKirby has elaborated on the subject.

So my vote goes to Chamel. To me it was a close one, very close. I had to picture and reread the battles over and over again. :D. RaWrz, keep at it. You had a wonderful setting and the buildup was good. :D

RaWrz-Cupcakes44
12-14-2013, 09:52 PM
thanks for the CnC everyone

i figured out a way to make my pieces more readable(though it is quite tedious)
so since the poll is over and all i guess i won?