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View Full Version : The Gentleman (SaulMurphy) VS Zero (GreNade)



SaulMurphy
01-02-2014, 06:54 AM
Here is the long awaited first battle of both Zero and The Gentleman. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it.

GreNade:


Zero knelt beside a tree that was about to go into sleeping for the winter. The multicolored leaves fell slowly. It was very beautiful to the wRHG contestant, but the only thing he cared about at that point was the battle which was to take place here.

He scanned the terrain. Overally he was standing upon a grassy field, with several trees scattered across it. There was a river running through the location, and a city in the distance.

A scattering of leaves interrupted his train of thought, and he turned around to see a well-dressed man standing upon a small hill. Zero raised his eyebrows. "So you are the one I shall be fighting today." Zero said, "Well, you should prepare for this fight, because you will be beat by me."

"Ah, my good man, there you are wrong. I am a mighty champion of good fortune. My name is George Prince, AKA The Gentleman."

Zero scoffed and formed a kunai in his hand. As he flung it forward, the Gentleman pulled up an umbrella, which spread out into a shield. The blade slammed into the shield, however, it dissapated, leaving it useless. The man then leapt forward and attempted to skewer Zero with a spike at the end of his umbrella, but Zero grabbed the spike and hoisted himself above the tool, and proceeded to kick the Gentleman in the face.

While he was distracted, Zero generated a sword and brought it down upon his enemy's face, created a bloody mark. The Gentleman, in return dived for his shield and brought it up to the other man's head, catching onto his hood and flinging him several feet away.

Zero landed in a pile of leaves, gritting his teeth as he smashed into the ground. He jumped up and literally flew forward, slamming into the umbrella and causing them both to be flung back. Zero steadied him self, and used his hardlight powers to bring up a chunk of earth, which caught his opponent. The Gentleman raised his weapon just as the rival contestant came, and the skewer embedden itself into Zero's shoulder. He yelled in pain, and while he was distracted, the Gentleman kicked him off the platform. Zero teleported before he hit the ground, and appeared next to the city.

As the other contestant dashed toward him in worry, he, with incredible strain, raised three buildings off of the ground and threw them at his enemy.

The Gentleman saw the buildings come, and his eyes widened. He ran. One building came down and barely missed him. The second smashed into the ground and did the same. Zero flew into a rage and took control of the last one.

George knew he would only be able to dodge for so long, so he threw his umbrella at one of the buildings. It deflected off a window at an incredibly fast rate, and flew towards Zero, piercing his foot and breaking his control. George sighed as the building fell, hamrless to him. Then he realized his mistake.

The umbrella was with Zero, who teleported in front of him. George punched him in the face, and the duo exchanged a fierce furry of fists and feet, until Zero headslammed the Gentleman with his armored head. The nemy man stumbled back, and Zero generated a hardlight revolver.

"Goodnight, my fried." Zero smiled triumphantly. "No, please, kind sir, do not do this! Spare me!" George cried in vain.

Zero pulled the trigger. Blood spattered on the ground, and he walked away from the dead body of his foe.



SaulMurphy:


The sun was in a decline, but the air was still fresh and warm. The birds in the trees nearby chirped and were merry while small fauna scurried about in the low grass. The forest outside Stickpage city was very much untouched by the civilian life that could be seen over the tree tops in the distance.

A stream could be heard nearby while George Prince walked through the forest. His top hat was firmly placed on his head and he gently used his umbrella as a walking stick to guide him through it. He heard a sound nearby and quickly looked up. A bird flew off from a tree up above. ‘It’s nothing you fool. Relax.’ He reassured himself.

He however knew it was something. It was here that he’s supposed to meet the bounty hunter, Zero. He has never met this man before in his life and wasn’t exactly sure what to expect.

The message came in earlier that day. The Gentleman was on his way to his clan house when suddenly a truck upended in front of his vehicle. A man could then be seen walking from the wreck, he casually opened the car door and handed a letter to George. After which the mysterious man walked back toward the wreck, picked up the truck and carried it away like a toy.

The letter had big black words printed on it: “RHG challenge”. After reading the time and place of the fight, he politely asked his driver to take him to the forest. Once there, George put on his top hat, adjusted his pinstripe suit, pulled at his cuffs, dusted off his orange tie and readied Umbra. His moustache was flaring with excitement and he was ready to finish off his opponent quickly.

He stopped close to the stream and decided to wait for the stranger to appear. There he stood, relaxed, ready and confident. A few moments passed without any new movements. Suddenly a man walked out from behind a tree.

The man looked like he had walked straight out of a movie. His armour was plated and jet black. A few pieces of armour around certain parts of his body were maroon and white, like the chest and shoulders. He wore a helmet on his head and two pointy ears could be seen coming from the sides. His hair was white-blonde and reached down to his neck. He had a tattered white cape on his back. The most notable thing about the man was his two gauntlets. One red and the other white.

As if on cue a breeze came by and his cape flapped in the wind making him all the more fantastic. The man’s blue eyes were cold and without mercy. He was ready and so was George.

“My dear fellow. A pleasure to walk into you on this fine day.” The Gentleman retorts. His hand was firmly resting on the hilt of Umbra. The other man nodded. ‘Is he Zero?’ George thought to himself. “Before we begin, are you Zero?” The other man nodded again. ‘He doesn’t say much, does he?’

A moment passed between the men, they were sizing each other up, looking for potential weaknesses and where opportunities could arise. Within a blink of an eye, Zero was gone. Following that was a brutal hit in the back of the head and George felt himself falling. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ was all he thought before hitting the ground face first. His top hat hit the dirt while Umbra fell nearby.

The Gentleman heard a sound and with one quick glance over his shoulder he saw a sword forming in Zero’s left hand. ‘How is he doing that?’ The sword was lit up as if made from light itself. It was long and quite sharp. Once the sword was fully formed, the other man lifted it up with the intention of bringing the battle to a swift end.

George made his move quickly by kicking Zero’s legs causing him to hesitate, giving George the time to reach for Umbra. Once in hand, he turned around just in time to parry the attack. Umbra hit away the sword of light and it opened up an opportunity for him to attack the Zero directly. With Umbra at the ready, he pushed the end of it at Zero. A light shone from the man’s right arm and suddenly he was not there anymore.

Lying in the dirt with Umbra extended in the air, the moustached man felt a little silly when he thought about how he must look to a third party. He quickly scrambled to his feet and surveyed the area. No movement; a flutter of a bird nearby, the scurrying of a squirrel up a tree, the sound of the stream.

He took this moment to reflect on what had just occurred. Zero has the two gauntlets as weapons. ‘The one on his left makes a sword made of light? It could make more than just a sword. The other gives him the ability to displace himself. Teleport to wherever he desires at an instants notice. I’m at a little bit of a disadvantage, but without his gauntlets I could overpower him.’

Suddenly, Zero appeared from behind a nearby tree. He seemed unscathed by George’s stab, which meant that he had teleported away just in time. Mithril, the indestructible metal that Umbra was made from, could pierce through his plate armour without problem, but it will take considerable effort on his part.

In Zero’s right hand was a hand gun. It was clearly made from the same light that he used earlier. The man aims the gun and fires. Luckily, The Gentleman got his umbrella up just in time to create a shield. ‘The light cannot go through Mithril. That’s a good sign.’

The shooting stopped and suddenly he was in a tree behind George, who swung around and blocked the next barrage of bullets. Stop, displace, turn, block. Stop, displace, turn, block. He wasn’t sure how he was keeping up. Zero could clearly teleport without limit. ‘Or could he? There must be a limitation to the amount of times he can move from one place to the next.’

Stop, displace, turn… Suddenly pain shot through George’s leg. He didn’t move Umbra to block the first shot in time. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if it wasn’t for Zero appearing right behind him once more, this time with his gun fixed at the back of The Gentleman’s head. Luckily for him, he bent down to aid his wound as the shot was fired, thus the shot missed him completely.

The shock of the shot behind him made George swing Umbra around. In mid travel it closed and became a weapon once more. The sharp end went through the blue eyed man’s armour which exposed skin, but did not wound him. Zero was clearly shocked by this and did a back flip away; his white cloak landing perfectly over his back.

George couldn’t stand properly, he used his uninjured leg to carry his weight while blood poured out of his wounded one. He didn’t have time to patch it up. His opponent seemed relentless. If only he could figure out a way to get rid of the teleportation gauntlet.

He thought of a plan, but he would require the perfect circumstances. He needed to go on the offensive.

Zero was creating a new weapon with his gauntlet, this time it seemed to be a serrated katana. The man had been perfectly calm the entire battle even when his armour had been pierced. He is a trained killer with a great advantage. As the weapon was forming, George ran towards the man, supressing the pain in his leg. He couldn’t gather his full speed, but it was enough to get to the man before he could bury the katana in him.

First he hit Zero with the butt of Umbra in the gut. This will daze him temporarily so he wouldn’t be able to teleport immediately, then with the sharp end George pierced Zero’s right hand. The gauntlet shut down and blood streamed from the gash that was created.

Zero seemed in a state of partial paralysis. He wasn’t moving, but the katana was still threatening from his left hand. George then tried pulling Umbra out of the man’s hand, but it was stuck. Instead he opened it, which knocked the bounty hunter in his face. This woke him and he attempted to strike at George with his weapon.

With a quick jump George managed to dodge the katana, but he was now without a weapon. Zero pulled out Umbra with sullen silence and bared the pain with a straight face. His ears seemed to quiver for a second. He figured out how to close it and threw it at a nearby tree. The sharp end stuck into the tree quite easily.

‘That was an amazing throw.’ George thought. ‘I should learn how to use Umbra as a javelin I think.’ The thought was quickly interrupted when a sharp pain shot up from his leg again. ‘Almost forgot about that.’ Blood was soaking his expensive trousers, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

Zero created a dagger this time and was closing the gap between them. ‘He doesn’t move faster than normal and without his right hand he can only create and use his light weapons.’ As Zero was about to stab George he quickly moved out the way. The bounty hunter swung to hit him again and was unsuccessful. Stab, dodge, miss. Swing, dodge, miss. Stab, dodge, clip the left shoulder.

It was a small cut and didn’t affect The Gentleman too badly, but it did mean the armed man is adapting to his rhythm and George couldn’t afford to get hit again. The blade came up from under and with a jump backwards, it missed. The moustached man picked up a thick stick lying near his feet. It was the perfect length to use as a quarter staff. ‘This won’t help much, but at least I can attack now.’

Clearly this was a threat for Zero, because he dematerialized the dagger and created a light, that started moving towards a nearby tree. George wasn’t sure if he was supposed to wait and see what happens or if he should attack while his opponent was busy. He chose the latter.

He rushed forward, ignoring the pain and attempted to hit Zero with the stick, however it was blocked with his bleeding hand. Zero gave a knowing look and suddenly the nearby tree was torn apart. Chunks of sharp wood were being carried by the light and were converging on George. He had to act fast.

He used the quarterstaff to hold his weight and swung a fist at his opponent whom easily blocked it with his bloodied hand. The other hand was now moving in for a counter hook. Exactly what George wanted. He moved the stick up and forcefully hit it against Zero’s leg. The hook wavered as George ducked.

The wood came rapidly and was about to impale George, luckily his bloodied foot caused him to slip and he fell, dropping the quarterstaff. The wood’s trajectory was then heading straight at Zero, who in turn, created a shield of light to protect himself.

The moustached man rolled out from under his opponent who was now creating a gun once more. Without Umbra, he would surely get hit. He managed to get the quarterstaff and got to his feet. The wood debris was lying all over the forest floor and it would seem that their current location was void of any animal life. Not even a bird could be heard.

George lunged the quarterstaff at his nemesis before he could fire a shot, which forced the gun to aim upwards. George instinctively hit the man in the ribs using the quarterstaff, crouched to miss a counter hit and hit the bounty hunter in the ribs once more.

He continued the assault on the man’s chest while dodging any sort of retaliation. Some punches found his face and stomach, but the fight endured.

Suddenly there was a loud ‘crack’. George let himself hope that it was Zero’s ribs, but sadly with one look down he saw that it was indeed his stick that had split apart. Zero took his chance and kicked The Gentleman in his wounded leg which brought him to his knees.

With the hilt of the handgun, the long eared man hit the Gentleman in the face, he fell on his back in the dirt. His face was badly bruised; his leg bleeding; and his weapon out of reach.

‘I guess I was just out-maneuvered.’ George thought to himself while lying there, staring with blurred vision at the tree tops. A few traces of blue sky could be seen. ‘Such a nice day too.’ He smiled at himself despite his situation.

Zero made his way towards the man on the floor. He dematerialized the handgun and replaced it with a massive dual-edged cleaver. One swift hit of that and George will be dead. Quick, painful and without mercy.

‘His ribs can’t still be fine after the beating I gave them…’ His eyes widened at the thought.

“I guess this is it?” The Gentleman said to his opponent. The man towering over him paused. “One quick end with your… light,” he coughed, with the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. The merciless bounty hunter purely nodded and lifted his cleaver high above his head.

With that, George struck. His uninjured leg found its mark in his opponent’s ribs once more and he felt it dent inwards a little.

Zero doubled over, his cleaver dematerializing as he released the hilt. He made a groaning sound which gave the suited man a smile as he scrambled to his feet.

He took his opportunity to get Umbra. He limped as quickly as he could towards the tree. Once there he pulled at the umbrella, but it was stuck. A few more pulls and it still didn’t give way.

Behind him, Zero was trying to stand up-right. His left hand lit up and tendrils of light shot out towards George. The tendrils caught him in the stomach and hit him against the tree. The wind was knocked out of him and the tree he slammed into cracked. The tendrils came in for another assault, but this time he rolled away and instead it hit the tree, completely shattering it. Umbra fell to the ground between splinters and logs.

A third attempt at George’s life came as fast at the last. This time he could fight.

Lifting Umbra he knocked the tendrils aside. “Parry.” The tendrils came around for another hit and he opened the umbrella to block it. The constant assault continued as he slowly limped with his blood-stained foot towards the enemy.

Zero noticed and pulled back the light, this time forming a throwing knife. It flew through the air, but The Gentleman knocked it away, still moving in slowly. The gap was closing.

The two men in the forest was a sight to behold. One dressed in what would’ve been an exquisite suit, but was now weathered and worn by battle. His leg was bleeding; the blood had soaked through the pants and was dripping into his shoes. The other man had a few breaches in his armour and plating. Most notably he held his chest with a bloodied hand, clearly too injured to move properly.

A knife came flying past, missing its mark. Another followed and was parried. Soon another came and was blocked. George was coming. He was going to finish his opponent.

The gap was so narrow that Zero formed a sword and readied it in his open hand.

The Gentleman lunged at his opponent, Mithril singing its song of battle. Parry, retaliate, block, lunge, dodge. Light hitting the metal which in turn hit the light.

What happened happened so quickly that it needs to be slowed down to see. George blocked a swing from the sword, used the butt end of Umbra and slammed it right into his opponent’s face. During Zero’s slight hesitation The Gentleman skewered his uninjured hand, shutting off the other gauntlet.

Zero stood there, paralyzed once more. George pulled out his umbrella from Zero’s hand gracefully. He stared at his opponent for a minute from a safe distance, but when he realized his opponent was completely immobile he sat down.

The adrenaline of the fight faded and the pain suddenly hit George. His hand went to his leg and he tried putting pressure on it to stop the bleeding. His head started spinning due to the loss of blood. “Ugh, I feel horrible.”

The wRHG medical team picked up both George and Zero. After recovery he heard that Zero was still alive, but that they were struggling to restore him back to full health. Feeling satisfied with his first fight, George, using Umbra as a walking stick, limped out of the Medical Lounge.



VOTE FAIRLY

ErrorBlender
01-02-2014, 11:46 AM
Okay then,

GreNade ::
Short battles are okay but yours, I felt, was too short.

You gave small descriptions and there were times that drama could have spiced up and/or prolong the battle. Like the part where buildings were rushing towards George. You could have given the fear, the anxiety, the sudden rush of adrenaline in his veins. You could have described the buildings a bit more and how they crashed or something.

Keep at it, GreNade. You're doing fine just add a bit more flair to it. :)


SaulMurphy ::
Well, the intro was good. Eased us into the story nicely.

The succeeding parts flowed good for me and the battle was fine. I kind of like how normal gladiators combat super powered ones. They work with strategy. :D You portrayed character personalities well, as I'd notice.

EDIT:: I am blind and braindead for noticing something I should have. I should sleep more.

SaulMurphy
01-02-2014, 12:37 PM
haha, wait... what's this about going blind? Unless I completely missed something cause I see you edited your post

ErrorBlender
01-02-2014, 12:43 PM
I thought your poll wasn't public because I was clicking the number of voters and nothing was appearing. Anyways, my fault entirely :D

SaulMurphy
01-02-2014, 12:52 PM
Haha. I also wasn't sure the amount of days to set the poll for. So I set it for 3 weeks. Then I read Sacred's post and its meant to be 7.

Ken_Rou
01-03-2014, 02:14 AM
Your entry was awesome PaulMurphy!
It had a balanced pace and descriptive. I felt like I was reading a novel.

GreNade
01-04-2014, 10:38 PM
XD I'm dead.

I voted for you, Saul.

Crank
01-05-2014, 05:16 PM
Lookin' good guys!


I really liked your story, I think it had a smooth flow and nothing seemed out of place. A few of the things The Gentleman noticed on the side made me grin and thought you portrayed both characters well.

There were a couple little things I saw however.

The first thing that really stood out to me was the way Zero was described.

The man looked like he had walked straight out of a movie. His armour was plated and jet black. A few pieces of armour around certain parts of his body were maroon and white, like the chest and shoulders. He wore a helmet on his head and two pointy ears could be seen coming from the sides. His hair was white-blonde and reached down to his neck. He had a tattered white cape on his back. The most notable thing about the man was his two gauntlets. One red and the other white.

It gave me a good picture of him, but it seemed a little bit broken up or chunky. Some good advice I've seen along the way was that it helps if you lead the details into one another. Like when you see someone and their cobalt shirt makes their blue eyes pop out, assuming their long ragged hair wasn't blocking them at the time.

The man looked like he had walked straight out of a movie. His armour was plated and jet black, although it did have maroon and white accents, like those on his chest and shoulders leading up to his helmet. Pointed ears could be seen poking out of the sides, but the white-blonde hair behind them was almost lost, blending in with his tattered cape. The most notable thing about the man was his two gauntlets. One red and the other white.

The other thing I noticed was there were a lot of times things weren't as intense as they could've been. There are a lot of life or death moments, but the urgency doesn't always get through the story.

The moustached man rolled out from under his opponent who was now creating a gun once more. Without Umbra, he would surely get hit.

Now, I've never come face to face with someone with a gun, but if all I have is a stick I'm going to be pretty on edge, especially if I think that trigger's getting pulled. The way it stands right now, it doesn't sound too bad. I don't know, maybe hit just isn't as strong of a word to me as it is to other people, but when I see it, I think of getting punched. I think in times like these a more powerful word would do a lot of good, or just showing what could happen.

The moustached man rolled out from under his opponent who was now creating a gun once more. Without Umbra, he wouldn't be able to stop his blood from spattering all over the grass under him.
The moustached man rolled out from under his opponent who was now creating a gun once more. Without Umbra, he would surely get shot.

That's all I've got! I'm looking forward for the next one from ya!



You had a good start and some good ideas, so good job on that! I think I see a few things that could you out along the way too!

First and foremost, you had a moderate amount of spelling issues. Most programs have spell check these days, but if you don't have any, you can just make a google account and use the drive to paste it into a document. It diffidently saves a lot of face for me!

I think you got a little confused by what a distraction is though. Like, if you and me are in a fist fight and you punch me in the face, I'm not necessarily distracted. I'm fully aware that we're fighting, I'm just in pain and stepping back. If however, we're fighting and pause to check out the refection of myself in your eye because I'm a vain narcissist, then yeah, I'm distracted.

I think something that would go a long way with your battles though, is if you showed both sides of the fight. Like, what both people are doing during the same specific action.

While he was distracted, Zero generated a sword and brought it down upon his enemy's face, created a bloody mark.

While he was distracted, Zero generated a sword and brought it down upon his enemy's face. The wind hissed as the slice cut through it, but it snapped The Gentleman's full attention back to it, who took a sudden step back, just slightly too slow. Zero smirked as a crimson line formed on his enemy's cheek, twitching in pain as The Gentleman glared right back.

Which reminds me, it doesn't hurt to slow down to show more details every now and then!

Again, good start, and I look forward to seeing you grow!

Infinitum
01-06-2014, 04:52 PM
Grenade
I feel like your post needed a pretty significant amount of work. The most obvious feature here is how short it is. There's no need to simply add padding to make a story longer, of course, but I feel your story suffered pretty badly from how many details were missing. Pretty much every action was stated as a "the character did this," which not only falls pretty flat most of the time, it leaves us wondering how the fight is actually going because we never really get coherent details on any of the specifics. I found myself repeatedly unsure of who actually held the upper hand during portions of the fight due to the lack of clarity. If you do want to work on this, my recommendation would looking at the fight and try to recognize what assumptions you are making, and asking yourself whether the assumption really is obvious, or if you need clarification. You don't need to remind us the character is breathing typically, but positioning is really important in a fight and we should get more of an idea of what is going on than you show us.

For example, take this piece from your work: "Zero scoffed and formed a kunai in his hand. As he flung it forward, the Gentleman pulled up an umbrella, which spread out into a shield. The blade slammed into the shield, however, it dissapated, leaving it useless. The man then leapt forward and attempted to skewer Zero with a spike at the end of his umbrella, but Zero grabbed the spike and hoisted himself above the tool, and proceeded to kick the Gentleman in the face."

We really don't know the relative positions of either character right now at all. We know the Gentleman is standing on a hill. We don't know how high the hill is, how far apart they are, and we only have the clue of comfortable talking distance to go by. This part isn't a huge sin on its own, admittedly, but when you pull out ranged weapons giving estimations of positioning is important for visualization. I personally had to take a second glance, because the Gentleman was able to lunge at Zero from the range the Kunai was thrown, which is definitely not my first expectation when one uses a ranged weapon. If you intended for it to be a running leap, you don't actually really state that in any way. Clarity is important.

And that is only the first time it becomes issue.

The next major issue, in my opinion, is dialogue. I don't feel like anyone would actually say much of what was actually said. Admittedly, I'm being a hypocrite here because I have bad dialogue.

You also have multiple spelling issues: I'd recommend typing on something with spellcheck. No one has perfect spelling over long periods of writing when attention ebbs and flows really, but spellcheck is available so readily there isn't too much excuse.

You also have a lot of grammar issues that could use correcting. That just means revision; yeah, it is a pain in the ass, but it is necessary.

Your word choice and sentence flow even when correct also isn't ideal. A lot of phrasing choices lose a lot of power due to bad wording, and the sentence flow can be a bit choppy because you use so many short sentences. Try merging some of your simple sentences into compound or complex sentences, as this will improve the flow of your writing by making it less repetitive and choppy.

I also feel like the fight itself, from an objective view and not how it was written, a bit suspect. From my understanding of the characters, you could have pulled out the pistol and won pretty much at any point you felt like it, especially during the fistfight sections, when that or really any weapon would have helped immensely. The lack of any emotion or vivid language makes your work seem a bit stagnant, when there are some potentially very interesting scenes that are just waiting for you to bring any sort of color to them.

I do, however, think it was an interesting piece despite its admittedly significant flaws. Most of your issues are just polishing and relatively easily dealt with - work on your writing skills, and the fact that you have good ideas will be able to carry you a lot further.


SaulMurphy

I did end up voting for your work, but it wasn't entirely without flaw either.

The flaw that bothered me most throughout the thread, although probably not the most significant one, was how you broke up your work into endless two line paragraphs. I really appreciate not being shown a block of text nightmare, but more than a few paragraphs would benefit from being grouped together with related ones. I don't want to accuse you of using it as a padding strategy (because I HATE people accusing me of padding when I am not), but it did come to mind. This change would help improve the flow quite a bit. Sometimes it was indeed quite good, but the unnatural breaks hurt this pretty significantly sometimes.

I'd also agree that you didn't do a very good job of making the fight feel tense. You did an excellent job of making a convincingly close battle, but it still didn't manage to have me nervous for how your character could win.

Your fight I feel was pretty well scripted, but as with Grenade there were occasional issues where more strategic details would be nice. Since Zero was essentially teleporting around spamming bullets (Most op thing ever) it wasn't a huge issue all the time, and never really lead to confusion, but I still feel it is good practice to give us this information.

The other issue with the fight is a common one with huge power discrepancies - it is fun to watch an underpowered character pull out a win, but I am not fully convinced by Zero losing the battle. I don't think Zero has any Acel style reasons to not use their gamebreaking godmode strategies, and I don't think anything was stopping him from just spamming ranged weapons while teleporting endlessly before you could ever reach him, or even just making a bigger weapon that your umbrella just wouldn't have the momentum to parry. A well used battleaxe would completely wreck the Gentleman's defenses, especially if followed by creating a faster weapon to exploit the opening, like a pistol.

Overall, though, I did like your fight. It was decently polished, the Gentleman (who I originally disliked as a character) grew on me with some amusing observations, and the fight itself was pretty good despite my skepticism of it. Good work.

SaulMurphy
01-07-2014, 03:30 AM
The first thing that really stood out to me was the way Zero was described.


I understand this. It was a bit choppy I admit, I might've gotten a little lazy and copied and edited his description straight off his character page... (insert awkward laugh), but I should've probably made it flow better.



The other thing I noticed was there were a lot of times things weren't as intense as they could've been. There are a lot of life or death moments, but the urgency doesn't always get through the story.




I'd also agree that you didn't do a very good job of making the fight feel tense. You did an excellent job of making a convincingly close battle, but it still didn't manage to have me nervous for how your character could win.


I do agree with both of you here. I did focus more on my writing style in certain points than on the actual content of the story, thus losing some of its convincing flavour. It did happen now and again:



‘I guess I was just out-maneuvered.’ George thought to himself while lying there, staring with blurred vision at the tree tops. A few traces of blue sky could be seen. ‘Such a nice day too.’ He smiled at himself despite his situation.

Zero made his way towards the man on the floor. He dematerialized the handgun and replaced it with a massive dual-edged cleaver. One swift hit of that and George will be dead. Quick, painful and without mercy.

‘His ribs can’t still be fine after the beating I gave them…’ His eyes widened at the thought.

“I guess this is it?” The Gentleman said to his opponent. The man towering over him paused. “One quick end with your… light,” he coughed, with the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. The merciless bounty hunter purely nodded and lifted his cleaver high above his head.




The other issue with the fight is a common one with huge power discrepancies - it is fun to watch an underpowered character pull out a win, but I am not fully convinced by Zero losing the battle. I don't think Zero has any Acel style reasons to not use their gamebreaking godmode strategies, and I don't think anything was stopping him from just spamming ranged weapons while teleporting endlessly before you could ever reach him, or even just making a bigger weapon that your umbrella just wouldn't have the momentum to parry. A well used battleaxe would completely wreck the Gentleman's defenses, especially if followed by creating a faster weapon to exploit the opening, like a pistol.


Sadly, while writing my piece, I found myself, lost in thought of course, where I almost killed off my own character multiple times, because Zero is a lot more powerful than The Gentleman. Almost every scene where he was lying on the ground I was about to end him, but reality hit me: "Saul! Don't kill George!". So, I understand how it won't be completely convincing, but I also had to somehow win. It might be a bit unbelievable at times, but I did try... as best I could.

I WILL TRY HARDER NEXT TIME!

Thank you all for the cnc, plus the votes, even my nemesis' vote. For all my musings, I do enjoy being underpowered, because it actually pushes me to write a longer piece and add a lot more ideas to it. Besides, the population of OP characters are rising, so it can only get better.

Thank you ErrorBlender, Thank you Ken_Rou and special thanks to Crank and Infinitum. CnC is always appreciated and I can only get better with it.