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View Full Version : LETHAL5 -vs- KEN_ROU



Lethal
02-28-2014, 06:56 AM
Good luck to both of us.

Ken_Rou's AIBA KANNAGI
Fast reflexes, can sense danger, kukri (a larger knife-like blade), a pistol, a silver katana, wind and lightning manipulation.

Lethal5's CHARLIE HYSHARDS
Hafleim Swords (Dual katana-like swords that has fire around it), fire manipulation, extremely good at making/planning strategy, normal hand-to-hand combat skills.

wRHG Battle #2

As I walked down the street of Helmsworth, known for it's excellent poultry restaurants, I saw a familiar man who was walking down the same street as I was. It was the man that I met in Tokyo while I was going on vacation. Don't know if he still remembers me though. We only spoke (and fought) for a brief moment. Though enjoyable, I'm sure he's done more intense fighting in his life. It wouldn't be as remarkable as the others. Regardless, I was determined to talk to him.

"Hey, you're Charlie right?" I said, with a slgihtly suspicious tone.
He looked confused of who I was, but I guess he remembered.
"Wait, have I... seen you before?"
"Yeah, we met in Tokyo, remember?"
"...Oh yeah! Hey Aiba!" There we go.
Eh, why not go with the flow?
"So, wanna rematch?" I said with confidence.
After he stood there silently for a couple of seconds, he replied,
"All right. Loser pays for lunch"
"Deal"
We both pulled our weapons out. I'll stick with my kukri and pistol for now.
"Not going for your sword buddy?" Charlie said, with a slightly confused tone.
"Well, it's good to be unpredictable, right?"
"Right..."
I rushed to slash him in the shin, but he blocked with his finely crafted sword.
Man, that thing must've cost a fortune.... No, I'm not stealing it.
Charlie immediately stepped back to regain his stance.
"Haha, not bad at all kid. You haven't lost it" he said with a grin on his face.
He started dashing at me with enormous speed, and swung his weapon vertically. I barely dodge the attack, but he gets the sleeve of my jacket.
"GOD DAMN IT!!! AGAIN!? THIS THING COST ME $60 YOU DICK!!!"
"Sorry. You're going against a sharp object. You should get more cheap clothing"
"No shit!"
I step in and stab Charlie in his left shoulder, and I emplty my pistol magazine on the rest of his arm. Again, my bullets are non-lethal, but they pack a punch.
"Ow!! Damn..."
Just before he could kick me, I was able to jump back and reload my pistol.

"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie said with a concerned tone.
"No, no... I'm fine. Let's continue"
I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana.
"Now there's something I remember!" he said.
"I know. And I'll be honored to fight you with it" I said, with the meanings of challenging him.
"A'ight. Bring it kid"
We both started running at each other, and we parried for a long time. Sparks flew, and sweat dripped from our faces.

"Hey, you wanna see something that I learned recently?" Charlie said with a grin.
As soon as he said that, he emitted some sort of light from his sword. I immidiately stepped back.
His sword was on fire.
"So, you know element manipulation too, huh? Amazing" I said, completely impressed.
"Now let me show you mine"
Zap. Whoosh.
"You have two? Damn"
"Alright, let's finish this"
"Bring it"
I quickly rushed to Charlie's back, and slashed him vertically. I got him, but he managed to burn my backhand a little. Then, I spartan-kicked him (if you know what I mean) into a pile of boxes. He got up, but then I immidiately zapped his right arm, disabling it. He dropped his sword. I pushed the sword away from him with my wind force.
"Haha, you have disarmed me good sir" he said, happy as ever.
"I guess I won then?" I said.
"Fine, I'll pay. Now let's go eat something"
"Sweet"
As Charlie picked up his sword with his left hand, I looked up my map to the nearest restaurant.
"Alright, there's a BBQ house just a few blocks away"
"Got it, let's go then"
We walked, and bid farewell after we ate.
All right. Next stop, Waterduns!
=================
Well, this story is pretty much filled with dialogues, thoughts of the characters and it's like, slow paced? I guess? So don't expect a fast-paced combat.

Charlie: Two Hafleim Swords that has fire around it, can manipulate fire, good at planning strategy and good at hand-to-hand combat.

Aiba: Kukri (looks like a long knife), katana, semi-automatic pistol, knows how to control wind and lightning and knows how to sense danger.
================


April 24, 2014. Charlie was walking inside the Oxmoor Mall, located in Kentucky, Louisville, to buy a new "Android Phone" in order to replace his old-used phone and to eat in a restaurant just to spend some of his hard-earned money. While walking slowly, he saw someone at north-east sitting on a bench and reading a book, someone he had met before. Wait, isn't that... I'm sure I've met him before, his hair, eyes and face. I know him!". Charlie ran towards the man. The man has grey hair with blue eyes and was wearing a blue polo shirt and a dark-blue jeans

"Hey, do you know me?"

The guy lifted his face and stared at Charlie. All of a sudden, the man stood up really quick with his eyes widened. He closed his book and threw it on the bench.

"Charlie?" Aiba looked up from his book and scanned Charlie's face for five seconds trying to find out who he is

"I never thought that we'll meet again. What are you doing here, Aiba?"

"Nothing, I was planning to go to a restaurant but all the seats are taken so I'm just waiting right here." Aiba kept his book on his backpack just at the corner of the bench "Come sit!"

Charlotte sat on his right side, "So, I'm pretty sure you have forgotten our... promise?" His cheeks started to become red for no reason. I feel like I'm a dick here. It's like a boy asking a girl if she still remembers both of their promises.

"The promise. Yes, that night, you said we'll fight again once we meet for the second time." Aiba stood up leaving his backpack on the bench. "Come, follow me, Charlie."

Where is he going to take me?, thought Charlie as he stand up. Five minutes had passed. Charlie found himself on a park outside of the mall, it was quiet. It was the only two of them in a park. It was also peaceful, a big fountain was found at the center. A huge circular fence was surrounding the park, seperating the park itself from the streets. Aiba stood at the center of the park just in front of the fountain and summoned his katana.

"Our promise, right?" Aiba's katana started showing bolts of electricity, he stood up with a "Gedan No Kamae" fighting stance. "We'll enjoy this."

Charlie lifted both of his swords behind him and stood where fire started covering the Hafleim Blades, so this was the main reason on why I had to follow him all the way from the mall to this small park.. Charlotte started running with his swords pointed at Aiba's chest. Kannagi also started running towards Charlie. I hope Kannagi is better than before. And I also hope I'll enjoy watching him trying to beat the hell out of me, thought Charlie as he allow himself to put a small smile on his face.

Charlie, as soon as he reached Aiba, swung his swords upwards but Aiba successfully defended himself by blocking the sword with his katana. I noticed that he's not talking that much anymore. Hmm, good thing he learned his lesson.. All of a sudden, Charlie noticed Aiba picking up something in his left pocket of his pants. Wait, what's that he's picking?

Aiba suddenly lifted his right hand with a kukri on it and pointed it at Charlie's chin.

"So you've improved, with that kukri of yours plus your katana and elemental abilites, I'm pretty sure you might kick my ass like a god." Charlie slowly shown a smile on his face. "Now to surprise you..."

Charlie fired up his dual swords which caused Aiba to retreat and walk back due to its hotness. The burning swords were unleashing thick smoke like a thick fog, Aiba unsummoned his katana without any equipments left. Suddenly, Charlie felt that the park is getting a bit colder than before. Wait, why is he just standing there?.

"You surprised me, now to surprise you back!"

Ten seconds had passed, Charlie noticed that a grey whirlwind started spinning around Aiba. So, that's what's causing the cold air.. Charlie started running again towards Kannagi. Charlotte swayed his swords left-wards on the whirlwind covering Aiba but his swords can't get pass through the strong spinning wind. What the? Why can't I hit him?. Aiba was just standing straight with his eyes closed. All of a sudden, Aiba's eyes widened, the whirlwind surrounding Kannagi scattered on the park with a loud explosion. Charlie flew away from Aiba and hit his back on a tree trunk really hard, Ugh! I think I just broke my back!.

Kannagi started to run and summoned his katana, he yelled really loud like a mad tiger. Taste this! Charlie!, thought Aiba. Kannagi's katana was about to stab Charlie's forehead but he luckily dodged it by moving his head left-wards. Aiba's katana got stucked on the tree trunk, Oh shoot, my katana's got stucked.. Kannagi removed his right hand from the katana.

"Oh, let me guess, you're going to use your elemental abilities eh?" asked Charlotte as he stand up slowly.

It's true that his elemental abilities are strong but there should be a way to stop him from using his wind and lightning abilities.. Charlie's blades began releasing more smokes than before. Now, don't underestimate!. Charlie sprinted towards Aiba and tried to slash him with his right sword but his dodging abilities is so good. Aiba formed a circular-shaped blue lightning ball on top of his left hand and threw it on Charlie's face but Charlotte blocked it with both of his swords.

Aiba, unexpected, picked up his kukri from his pocket and threw it really fast on Charlie's face. Charlie almost dodged it by moving his head but the kukri sliced and left a small bleeding skin on his right cheek.

"Wait, are you just trying to kill me?" asked Charlie with an angry face.

"Who knows? Maybe it's your fault that you didn't dodged it really quick?" Aiba replied with a sarcastic voice which annoyed Charlie.

His sarcastic voice, it's making me mad as hell.. Aiba quickly formed a katana made out of lightning, ran towards Charlie and swung his electric katana downwards but Charlie blocked it with his two blades. Charlie made a fast counter-attack by acting really quick and swung his left sword at Kannagi's chest, but Aiba was able to defend himself just by moving two steps backwards. A quick counter-attack? He really is a nice guy., thought Aiba as he put a smirk on his face.

Aiba's arms started showing electric bolts, especially his hands was covered with thick electric bolts. Now feel the electrifying abilities of Aiba Kannagi himself!. Aiba jumped towards Charlie and Aiba landed on the floor with his fist punching the floor itself which caused a loud explosive sound, but he noticed that Charlie successfully dodged it by moving backwards. Kannagi stood up really quick and swung his left arms upwards and did a deadly uppercut on Charlie's face. Charlotte fell on his back with his lips starting to bleed.

"That hurts to be honest, Aiba." Charlie slowly stand up, kept his left sword on his back and rubbed his lips to remove its blood.

"Well, I'm sorry but don't worry, I won't kill you." Aiba winked, he walked towards the trunk where his blade was stucked, pulled it out really strong, turned at Charlie and stood at an "Ochs" fighting stance, "How about for round two? Charlie?"

"Hell yeah, Aiba." Charlie, once again, rubbed his lips.

The two of them started running each other, Charlie swung his single right sword downwards while Aiba did the same. A strong metallic sound, which refers to the two swords clashing each other, was heard. Charlie crouched really fast, ran towards Aiba with his head pointing at Aiba's stomach and pushed him to the land. Kannagi, together with Charlie, fell on the land. Charlotte was on top of Aiba and was trying to lock him so Kannagi won't be able to move

"Now to choke yo--" suddenly, Aiba punched Charlie on his left cheek. Charlotte was forced to stand up because of Aiba's hard punch on his left cheek.

Kannagi stood up really quick and jabbed Charlie on his stomach with his right fist followed by another jab from Aiba's left fist on the chest. Aiba quickly picked up his katana on the floor and pointed it at Charlie's chest.

"Don't move or else I'll stab you with my sharp katana!" said Aiba with an upset face.

"I'm pretty sure you won't do that to your new friend, am I right?" Charlie slowly raised both of his hands as a sign of surrendering.

"Oh, so you surrender?" Aiba lowered his katana "Heh, you're really bad at fi--"

Charlie suddenly ran and landed a really, really powerful blow on Aiba's stomach. Aiba flew and landed on the park's floor. Kannagi coughed a lot of times while embracing his own stomach with both of his arms. Crap, my stomach hurts a lot. I can't stand or do anything. It feels like I'm going to die..

"What happened? I thought you're stronger than me?" Charlie grinned, he went back and picked up his other Hafleim Sword and kept it on his back.

I can't talk or anything, my abdominal is aching., Aiba tried his best to stand up but he can't, all he can do is sit while holding his stomach. Well, nothing to worry because I can still use my elemental abilities and my secret weapon, a pistol. Aiba was picking something up from his left pocket, and Charlie noticed it.

What is he picking up again?, Charlie thought as he take a long stare on his pocket, all of a sudden, Aiba raised his right hand very quick with a pistol on it. Oh shit, a pistol? I'm pretty much screwed once he shoot me.

He thought I'll shoot him? No, he's my friend anyways so I'm just tricking him so he can give up., Aiba slowly stand up while his left arm is hugging his stomach. He can't seem to walk or stand up properly. Charlie was walking backwards really slow to avoid being shot. It's pretty weird that the two of us is not talking that much., thought Charlie.

"Hey, you're not really gonna shoot me, eh?" yelled Charlie.

Let me plan a strategy before he can even shoot me. First, I'll crouch really fast and throw my swords in front of Aiba. I'll be expecting him to dodge it, if he did defended himself then I'll quickly run towards him, trick him that it looks like I'm going to punch him; I'll then crouch really fast; spin; pick up my swords and point it at Aiba's back. Might work, but whatever. I'll try it. Charlie was still walking backwards, but all of a sudden, he crouched really fast; picked up both of his swords and threw it at Aiba. Kannagi wasn't able to act really quick due to his stomach pain. Aiba noticed that two blades were already flying in front of him, he quickly ducked to avoid it.

Charlie started darting towards Aiba with his hands closed getting ready to land a powerful blow on Aiba again. Kannagi kept his pistol back on his pocket and picked up the katana in front of his feet with his only single right hands. As soon as Charlie was already near to Aiba, he was going to swing his left fist to perform a deadly uppercut on Aiba's face, but Charlie tricked him. Charlotte crouched really fast, spinned and picked up the two Hafleim Swords just at the floor behind Aiba. Perfect! He easily got tricked!", Charlie pointed both of his swords behind Kannagi.

"This is a boring slow-paced fight, Charlie. How about we go for fast-paced?" asked Aiba as he grin "And to make everything more better, and more fun. How about, we also go for a battle where we can stab each other instead of just brawling each other without getting hurt? More fun ain't it? But there's only one rule, we should not slash or stab each other really much."

"What? You want a brutal and fast fight? You look weird, I thought you don't kill anyone but if that's what you want. No blaming, alright? And also one thing, what if one of us dies?" Charlie stood up with both of his swords pointing below.

"What the? Did I say we should kill each other, brutal fight? No, none of us will die. And no, we're not going for a brutal fight. Just a fun quick fight where we can slash, slice, stab each other but not so much or we'll end up dying."

"Sure, great idea."

Charlie walked backwards, Fire be gone, he whispered as the fire around the two swords vanished. I'm guessing that he removed the fire so if the swords is going to hit me, I'll not burn. I'll have to do the same thing, I'm not going to put bolts of electricity onto my sword., thought Aiba.

Kannagi was already focusing on the battle. He knew that he might lose without his elemental abilities but he kept thinking that he will 'win'. The same goes for Charlie, thinking the same thing that he will 'dominate and win' the battle. Charlie and Aiba was standing on different fighting stances. Now both of us is now in serious mode, I'll make sure I'll win!, thought Charlie.

The two of them ran as fast as they can. As soon as they had met each other, Charlie took advantage of the attack where he luckily sticked his left sword on Aiba's left shoulder and sliced a thin skin of his cheek. Few bits of blood came out but only for a short time. Nice attack, Charlie. It feels like you're stronger when we're really fighting".

Aiba made a very quick revenge attack and slashed his sword upwards on Charlie's chest, Charlie's chest left a really thin yet long cut that did not bled a lot. Charlotte was forced to retreat and walked backwards, the chest-part of his shirt was cut as long as the cut of his chest skin. Hmm, I felt nothing. It's like I got tickled.

Charlie ducked really fast, kept both of his swords on his back really quick and attempted another very strong punch on Aiba's stomach but Aiba quickly blocked it with the palm of his left hand. Charlie pushed Kannagi's palm with all his strength just to have the opportunity to land a powerful blow on Aiba's stomach but he failed. Aiba kneed Charlotte's chin with his left knee really hard. Charlie stood up walking backwards while holding his chin with both of his hands. Fuck, that knee attack was hard and I almost bit my tongue off.

Aiba unsummoned his katana and rushed towards Charlie and landed a powerful jab on Charlie's face. Charlie fell on his back with his nose bleeding. Ouch, that hurts.. Aiba coughed a bit and said,

"Haha, don't worry. I'm not going to kill you, it's the rules right?" Aiba laughed but the truth is he wasn't angry, he was just having fun.

"Well, sorry if this is late but I know how to manipulate fire." Charlie's face started to get angry.

"Wait, what?"

Charlie picked up one of his sword with his left hand and whispered, fire unleash!, the sword started burning with small smokes coming out from the sword itself. Charlie stood up really slow while his sword was pointing forward directly at Aiba's chest. Fire... manipulation? Why did he used it this late?

"Idiot! You thought I'm weak just by kneeing me on the chin?"

At the point of Charlie's sword was a red circular orb growing bigger and bigger. Taste this. The orb flew directly on Aiba's chest but he luckily dodged it by pulling himself leftways, the orb exploded with a very loud explosive sound heard in the whole park. Thick smokes were starting to spread inside the park.

Such a powerful explosion! I'm pretty much dead if I didn't dodged that attack anyways. Aiba summoned back his katana and rushed towards Charlie, Charlotte quickly moved his head and took a long glance at Aiba's face. He's planning to stab me I guess, now strategy time! I'm pretty much out of ideas, but I'll just shut him down by attacking him rapidly with red orbs, that may scare him a bit., Charlie pointed his sword towards Aiba. At the end of his sword was an orb getting larger and larger, he noticed that Aiba just kept running. So you want it? Okay then, Charlie's sword started shooting out multiple fire orbs directy at Aiba.

Uhh, I thought we're going to face off each other without using super powers? But whatever, if that's what you want, taste my lightning! Aiba's surrounding started showing circular transparent lightning bolts which act as a shield around him. You won't be able to hit me with your orbs, the orbs kept hitting the electric shield but didn't even reached Aiba. The explosion of the red fire orbs caused a really thick smoke to fill the park, both Charlie and Aiba can't even see each other because of the thick fog.

Hmm, I can't seem to see Cha--, all of a sudden, he slipped over himself because he suddenly stepped on to a small rock. He fell and his body was facing the floor itself. That hurts..., he thought, as soon as the thick fogs started fading away, Aiba saw Charlie standing in front him with a creepy smiling face.

"Sorry, but I'll have to kill you." Charlie lifted his left sword getting ready to kill Aiba

"Wait, Charlie!" Aiba closed his eyes really fast "Noooooooo!"

Five seconds had passed, Kannagi opened his eyes. He saw Charlie, keeping his sword on his back. "What? You thought I'll kill you? Here, let me lend you a hand." Charlie held Aiba's right hand with his left hand and pulled him really strong while Aiba was standing up.

"So, I won the battle."

"Yes, I know. So, what now?"

"Want to eat in a restaurant or something?" Charlie smiled while holding Aiba's right shoulder with his right hand.

"Hell yeah, I'm pretty hungry since I used up my stamina so much." Aiba turned back while walking towards the gateway to the Oxmoor Mall. Charlie followed him and started a conversation with Aiba like they're best friends. The sun started to set and the sky was starting to get dark, birds was seen on the sky migrating from one place to another and maybe, they're moving on another place where they can sleep properly? Who knows?

SaulMurphy
02-28-2014, 10:46 AM
Ok, I will try Cnc. Because I feel like I've been around enough for it? So if anyone disagrees with what I say, please correct me.

Ken Rou:

I voted for you, but only because of reasons I will discuss in Lethal's cnc. Yours was plainly too short. Yes, you got to the point kinda, but the dialogue was just too much. It ruined it. Like I just thought there was no action. For instance:


I step in and stab Charlie in his left shoulder, and I emplty my pistol magazine on the rest of his arm. Again, my bullets are non-lethal, but they pack a punch.



We both started running at each other, and we parried for a long time. Sparks flew, and sweat dripped from our faces.


I felt like there could've been SOOOO much more detail than this. "... we parried for a long time." That means nothing? There could be a lot more detail. How did the swings fall? How did the parries go? What were the moved being executed?

The other problem I have is that the spacing was bad as well. Of course, every new line presented a new piece of dialogue, but after a while I needed to check up to see who said what, because I am just confused at who is talking. Every new line of paragraph could've maybe benefited from a double enter. For example:


"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie said with a concerned tone.

"No, no... I'm fine. Let's continue" I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana.

"Now there's something I remember!" he said.


How neat is that? Looks better than:


"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie said with a concerned tone.
"No, no... I'm fine. Let's continue"
I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana.
"Now there's something I remember!" he said.


There was also a slight lacking in description I feel. I'm not sure what either character looks like actually... It almost feels like you just tried writing something quick and ended with your current final product. Need a bit more tuning in the description department. Here I edited the first paragraph with a little description:


As I walked down the street of Helmsworth, known for it's excellent poultry restaurants, I saw a familiar man who was walking down the same street as I was. It was the man that I met in Tokyo while I was going on vacation. The man was muscular and clearly was wearing the first thing he pulled out of his closet; in this case it was a pair of khaki shorts and floral t-shirt. Don't know if he still remembers me though, but I would never forget his pale skin and blue eyes. We only spoke (and fought) for a brief moment back then and although it was enjoyable, it wouldn't be as remarkable as the other fights this man must've had. Regardless, I was determined to talk to the familiar brunette.


Just a few pointers.


Lethal5:


There's one thing I have to say about your piece. It was too long and took long to get to the point. Of course I was aiming to vote for your piece solely because it was longer than Ken_Rou's, but then I thought I might read it and I don't know why, but it was a little annoying to read. Sometimes confusing. So here I go:


Aiba, unexpected, picked up his kukri from his pocket and threw it really fast on Charlie's face. Charlie almost dodged it by moving his head but the kukri sliced and left a small bleeding skin on his right cheek.
...
Kannagi was already focusing on the battle. He knew that he might lose without his elemental abilities but he kept thinking that he will 'win'. The same goes for Charlie, thinking the same thing that he will 'dominate and win' the battle. Charlie and Aiba was standing on different fighting stances. Now both of us is now in serious mode, I'll make sure I'll win!, thought Charlie.
...
Charlie started darting towards Aiba with his hands closed getting ready to land a powerful blow on Aiba again. Kannagi kept his pistol back on his pocket and picked up the katana in front of his feet with his only single right hands. As soon as Charlie was already near to Aiba, he was going to swing his left fist to perform a deadly uppercut on Aiba's face, but Charlie tricked him. Charlotte crouched really fast, spinned and picked up the two Hafleim Swords just at the floor behind Aiba. Perfect! He easily got tricked!", Charlie pointed both of his swords behind Kannagi.


Why do I highlight your name like that? Because you sadly have a similar problem that I used to have. Repeating the same name too often. It makes it hard to read and sometimes annoying when read the same name over and over again. Of course this doesn't happen often and the above 3 paragraphs were chosen at random, but it sometimes occurs. Trying something like the following could help:


Aiba, unexpected, picked up his kukri from his pocket and threw it really fast on Charlie's face who almost dodged it by moving his head but the kukri sliced him and left a bit of bleeding skin on his right cheek.
...
Kannagi was already focusing on the battle. He knew that he might lose without his elemental abilities but he kept thinking that he will 'win'. The same goes for Charlie, thinking the same thing that he will 'dominate and win' the battle. Both of them were standing in different fighting stances. Now both of us is now in serious mode, I'll make sure I'll win!, Charlotte thought to himself.
...
Charlie started darting towards Aiba with his hands closed getting ready to land a powerful blow on him again. Kannagi kept his pistol back on his pocket and picked up the katana in front of his feet with only his single right hand. As soon as he was near, he was going to swing his left fist to perform a deadly uppercut on the man's face, but it was a trick. Charlotte crouched really fast, spinned and picked up the two Hafleim Swords that were on the floor behind his opponent. Perfect! He easily got tricked!", he thought as he pointed both of his swords behind Kannagi.


A little cleaner don't you think?

Next issue I have, and it is the biggest one I think. The thinking "dialogue". Most writers use this. It is an excellent way for the reader to get into the character's head and to see what's going on. HOWEVER, you wrote thoughts for both the characters. This can be a little annoying I think. You see, as nice as it is to sense what other character's are thinking too, it confuses the reader about who the main character is. In your story I actually forgot 3 times which one of the two were yours. Try not to write the thoughts of your opponent and try to stick to one person's perspective. If you go jumping around people's opinions, then the reader will not know what is going on.

I will think of something again soon. Will read through it. There was something else that bothered me, but I will have to sit down and find it again... I might've lost it... teehee?

Lethal
02-28-2014, 06:53 PM
Ok, I will try Cnc. Because I feel like I've been around enough for it? So if anyone disagrees with what I say, please correct me.

Ken Rou:

I voted for you, but only because of reasons I will discuss in Lethal's cnc. Yours was plainly too short. Yes, you got to the point kinda, but the dialogue was just too much. It ruined it. Like I just thought there was no action. For instance:





I felt like there could've been SOOOO much more detail than this. "... we parried for a long time." That means nothing? There could be a lot more detail. How did the swings fall? How did the parries go? What were the moved being executed?

The other problem I have is that the spacing was bad as well. Of course, every new line presented a new piece of dialogue, but after a while I needed to check up to see who said what, because I am just confused at who is talking. Every new line of paragraph could've maybe benefited from a double enter. For example:



How neat is that? Looks better than:



There was also a slight lacking in description I feel. I'm not sure what either character looks like actually... It almost feels like you just tried writing something quick and ended with your current final product. Need a bit more tuning in the description department. Here I edited the first paragraph with a little description:



Just a few pointers.


Lethal5:


There's one thing I have to say about your piece. It was too long and took long to get to the point. Of course I was aiming to vote for your piece solely because it was longer than Ken_Rou's, but then I thought I might read it and I don't know why, but it was a little annoying to read. Sometimes confusing. So here I go:



Why do I highlight your name like that? Because you sadly have a similar problem that I used to have. Repeating the same name too often. It makes it hard to read and sometimes annoying when read the same name over and over again. Of course this doesn't happen often and the above 3 paragraphs were chosen at random, but it sometimes occurs. Trying something like the following could help:



A little cleaner don't you think?

Next issue I have, and it is the biggest one I think. The thinking "dialogue". Most writers use this. It is an excellent way for the reader to get into the character's head and to see what's going on. HOWEVER, you wrote thoughts for both the characters. This can be a little annoying I think. You see, as nice as it is to sense what other character's are thinking too, it confuses the reader about who the main character is. In your story I actually forgot 3 times which one of the two were yours. Try not to write the thoughts of your opponent and try to stick to one person's perspective. If you go jumping around people's opinions, then the reader will not know what is going on.

I will think of something again soon. Will read through it. There was something else that bothered me, but I will have to sit down and find it again... I might've lost it... teehee?


lmao. thanks for voting and cnc'ing. repeating names is also one of the biggest problem I have >.> anyways, i thought wRHG battles should be pretty long?

Ken_Rou
02-28-2014, 09:56 PM
Ok, I will try Cnc. Because I feel like I've been around enough for it? So if anyone disagrees with what I say, please correct me.

Ken Rou:

I voted for you, but only because of reasons I will discuss in Lethal's cnc. Yours was plainly too short. Yes, you got to the point kinda, but the dialogue was just too much. It ruined it. Like I just thought there was no action. For instance:





I felt like there could've been SOOOO much more detail than this. "... we parried for a long time." That means nothing? There could be a lot more detail. How did the swings fall? How did the parries go? What were the moved being executed?

The other problem I have is that the spacing was bad as well. Of course, every new line presented a new piece of dialogue, but after a while I needed to check up to see who said what, because I am just confused at who is talking. Every new line of paragraph could've maybe benefited from a double enter. For example:



How neat is that? Looks better than:



There was also a slight lacking in description I feel. I'm not sure what either character looks like actually... It almost feels like you just tried writing something quick and ended with your current final product. Need a bit more tuning in the description department. Here I edited the first paragraph with a little description:



Just a few pointers.


Lethal5:


There's one thing I have to say about your piece. It was too long and took long to get to the point. Of course I was aiming to vote for your piece solely because it was longer than Ken_Rou's, but then I thought I might read it and I don't know why, but it was a little annoying to read. Sometimes confusing. So here I go:



Why do I highlight your name like that? Because you sadly have a similar problem that I used to have. Repeating the same name too often. It makes it hard to read and sometimes annoying when read the same name over and over again. Of course this doesn't happen often and the above 3 paragraphs were chosen at random, but it sometimes occurs. Trying something like the following could help:



A little cleaner don't you think?

Next issue I have, and it is the biggest one I think. The thinking "dialogue". Most writers use this. It is an excellent way for the reader to get into the character's head and to see what's going on. HOWEVER, you wrote thoughts for both the characters. This can be a little annoying I think. You see, as nice as it is to sense what other character's are thinking too, it confuses the reader about who the main character is. In your story I actually forgot 3 times which one of the two were yours. Try not to write the thoughts of your opponent and try to stick to one person's perspective. If you go jumping around people's opinions, then the reader will not know what is going on.

I will think of something again soon. Will read through it. There was something else that bothered me, but I will have to sit down and find it again... I might've lost it... teehee?


You can see why I suck at literature, though I like English better than Math. Or not being fully awake when writing things... damn it.

Lethal
03-01-2014, 01:36 AM
Hmm, one day had passed and only two peoples had been able to vote. I'm excited for the results of who win c:

SaulMurphy
03-01-2014, 03:41 AM
lmao. thanks for voting and cnc'ing. repeating names is also one of the biggest problem I have >.> anyways, i thought wRHG battles should be pretty long?

Yeah, of course it should be long. But, as Devi commented on my current battle, it shouldn't just be long because you wanted it long. If it is long, it has to be relevant and not so boring. Can't be a wall of text just to fill pages, it has to all be relevant.

ALSO! I found the other thing that bothered me:

"That hurts to be honest, Aiba."...

..."How about for round two? Charlie?"...

..."Hell yeah, Aiba."...

Those three dialogue pieces follow on one another in 3 paragraphs. Problem with them? They keep naming the other person. And they do this now and then during the fight. I'm sure that the reader will not forget who the guy is speaking to if you add:

"That hurts to be honest." Charlie said.

"How about round two?" Aiba enquires.

"Hell yeah!" Came the reply.

Something like that? Charlie will obviously be talking to Aiba. Who else would he be talking to? And vice versa.

Lethal
03-01-2014, 07:46 PM
thanks for voting digkid. hope you enjoy our story.

i never thought that Ken_Rou (despite the fact that he has shorter and less-greater constructed paragraphs) will lead with 2 votes and I only have 1 lmao. well, good luck to both of us once again.

Ken_Rou
03-01-2014, 09:41 PM
thanks for voting digkid. hope you enjoy our story.

i never thought that Ken_Rou (despite the fact that he has shorter and less-greater constructed paragraphs) will lead with 2 votes and I only have 1 lmao. well, good luck to both of us once again.

Well, that's what happens when you try to type with only half your brain awake or concentrating on your highschool musical. Cut me some slack, will ya?

Lethal
03-01-2014, 10:15 PM
Well, that's what happens when you try to type with only half your brain awake or concentrating on your highschool musical. Cut me some slack, will ya?

haha. you were writing this while concentrating on your high school musical. lmao, that's a pain in the ass.

Crank
03-03-2014, 02:25 PM
Ken_Rou:

I see that you're new at this and while you have a good start, I think I have some pointers for you. First of all, as much as I love dialogue, you do need to balance it with the rest of your story. Take time to describe your people and the place that they're at, slow it down a little bit and give actions the space to be present. Also, because there is so much talking in this, you could really benefit from portraying emotions, like beyond 'said happily' and what not.

Correct me if you're wrong, but for the most part you can tell how someone is feeling when you look at them. For example, if you see someone dragging their feet across the floor with their head bowed, being unusually quiet, you might think they're feeling sad and try to talk to them about it. Basically, what I'm trying to say is you can show this in the spaces between your speaking lines.

"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie said with a concerned tone.
"No, no... I'm fine. Let's continue"
I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana.
"Now there's something I remember!" he said.
"I know. And I'll be honored to fight you with it" I said, with the meanings of challenging him.

"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie paused for a moment, eyes softening behind his weapon.
"No, no..." Shaking my head slowly, I inhaled deeply to let a sigh take the rage out of my body, "I'm fine. Let's continue"
I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana. Recognition twinkled in his gaze, and a smirk crept up his face as he clutched his weapon.
"Now there's something I remember!"
"I know," I nodded, grinning right back, "And I'll be honored to fight you with it."

I think this sort of thing would be a pretty solid next step.

Lethal5:

First of all, who is Charlotte?
http://www.filz.us/files/80dc555f/73c/wrongname.png
I went about half the story trying to figure out whether it was an additional character, or a repeated mistake. This is exactly why it's extremely important to read through your story throughout the process so you catch things like this. Also, I respect what you were trying to do with the thoughts, but they almost came off condensing to the reader. It was like they were narrating the fight when they came up, and it was usually just a reword of what the actual narrator had just said.

What is he picking up again?, Charlie thought as he take a long stare on his pocket, all of a sudden, Aiba raised his right hand very quick with a pistol on it. Oh shit, a pistol? I'm pretty much screwed once he shoot me.

What is he picking up again?, Charlie thought as he take a long stare on his pocket, all of a sudden, Aiba raised his right hand very quick with a pistol on it. Oh shit.

It's common knowledge that you're screwed once you get shot, and a lot of these thoughts are drawn out to the point that the opponenent would've long been able to take care of them. For example, have you ever heard the phrase "I'll be back before you can even say 'Goodbye'!" Or any variation of that? It's because the world still turns when others are speaking or thinking.

Let me plan a strategy before he can even shoot me. First, I'll crouch really fast and throw my swords in front of Aiba. I'll be expecting him to dodge it, if he did defended himself then I'll quickly run towards him, trick him that it looks like I'm going to punch him; I'll then crouch really fast; spin; pick up my swords and point it at Aiba's back. Might work, but whatever. I'll try it.

Let me plan a stra-bang-

If you don't have time, you need to think on your feet and go from there. Sure, he can have intermittent thoughts, but if you don't have that kind of time it's just going to look extremely unrealistic.

Anyway, you have a lot of good ideas and you're reaching for some good concepts. I hope this helps a little!

Lethal
03-03-2014, 08:56 PM
Well, it seems like I'm starting to lose. Haha. Thanks for the cnc, Crank!

Ken_Rou
03-03-2014, 09:29 PM
Ken_Rou:

I see that you're new at this and while you have a good start, I think I have some pointers for you. First of all, as much as I love dialogue, you do need to balance it with the rest of your story. Take time to describe your people and the place that they're at, slow it down a little bit and give actions the space to be present. Also, because there is so much talking in this, you could really benefit from portraying emotions, like beyond 'said happily' and what not.

Correct me if you're wrong, but for the most part you can tell how someone is feeling when you look at them. For example, if you see someone dragging their feet across the floor with their head bowed, being unusually quiet, you might think they're feeling sad and try to talk to them about it. Basically, what I'm trying to say is you can show this in the spaces between your speaking lines.

"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie said with a concerned tone.
"No, no... I'm fine. Let's continue"
I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana.
"Now there's something I remember!" he said.
"I know. And I'll be honored to fight you with it" I said, with the meanings of challenging him.

"You're losing your temper, friend" Charlie paused for a moment, eyes softening behind his weapon.
"No, no..." Shaking my head slowly, I inhaled deeply to let a sigh take the rage out of my body, "I'm fine. Let's continue"
I put away my kukri and pistol, and summon out my katana. Recognition twinkled in his gaze, and a smirk crept up his face as he clutched his weapon.
"Now there's something I remember!"
"I know," I nodded, grinning right back, "And I'll be honored to fight you with it."

I think this sort of thing would be a pretty solid next step.

Lethal5:

First of all, who is Charlotte?
http://www.filz.us/files/80dc555f/73c/wrongname.png
I went about half the story trying to figure out whether it was an additional character, or a repeated mistake. This is exactly why it's extremely important to read through your story throughout the process so you catch things like this. Also, I respect what you were trying to do with the thoughts, but they almost came off condensing to the reader. It was like they were narrating the fight when they came up, and it was usually just a reword of what the actual narrator had just said.

What is he picking up again?, Charlie thought as he take a long stare on his pocket, all of a sudden, Aiba raised his right hand very quick with a pistol on it. Oh shit, a pistol? I'm pretty much screwed once he shoot me.

What is he picking up again?, Charlie thought as he take a long stare on his pocket, all of a sudden, Aiba raised his right hand very quick with a pistol on it. Oh shit.

It's common knowledge that you're screwed once you get shot, and a lot of these thoughts are drawn out to the point that the opponenent would've long been able to take care of them. For example, have you ever heard the phrase "I'll be back before you can even say 'Goodbye'!" Or any variation of that? It's because the world still turns when others are speaking or thinking.

Let me plan a strategy before he can even shoot me. First, I'll crouch really fast and throw my swords in front of Aiba. I'll be expecting him to dodge it, if he did defended himself then I'll quickly run towards him, trick him that it looks like I'm going to punch him; I'll then crouch really fast; spin; pick up my swords and point it at Aiba's back. Might work, but whatever. I'll try it.

Let me plan a stra-bang-

If you don't have time, you need to think on your feet and go from there. Sure, he can have intermittent thoughts, but if you don't have that kind of time it's just going to look extremely unrealistic.

Anyway, you have a lot of good ideas and you're reaching for some good concepts. I hope this helps a little!

Your critical advice is appreciated, sir

Lethal
03-06-2014, 08:03 AM
aaah, i lost. well, congrats ken_rou for winning against me c: