View Full Version : Not my debut battle

05-25-2014, 09:19 AM
Hello everyone, I'm the creator of Abra, the genocide magician. So why am i making this thread? Well like the title implies, this is not my battle with Vant, that'll be coming out on Thursday, May 29th. So why am i creating this? Well you see i wanted to create another WRHG warrior, but that's a big no no in the rules, so here I am, creating and destroying my second warrior. Now why did i create him in the first place? Because I wanted Abra to have a rival, but now he'll just become part of Abra's story. Enjoy Abra, the genocide magician vs. Devin the photographer.
Name: Devin Fleet
Gender: Male
He has an old Polaroid camera that takes a picture of the target’s life force. If he rips it up, he can destroy the target. The camera can take multiple pictures. He has strong legs that allows him to run fast and kick hard. He specializes in a fighting style known as Capoeira or Street Dancing, though he doesn’t use the rhythm of music with his fighting. His shoes have spikes in the sole on around the side of it. He also has a flash on his camera that he could use independently to blind his enemies. The photo takes time to develop, but once it does, any tear will be inflicted onto the target, even outside forces are lethal. When the person is erased from existence, the only man who’ll ever remember him is Devin, the person’s body would disappear with a poof. The person’s existence would be erased completely. Everything the target was involved in, all he/she did, would be replaced by memories the brain would create to fill in the gap of the now nonexistent target. All his friends and the people who knew him would forget about him. If he was within any article, show, or news, the information would change to something else. They are gone period.
He has to be steady to take the picture clearly, blurred targets don’t work. It also needs to be full body and contain the face of the victim. The picture can be indestructible if the person’s life force is too strong. His speed allows him to keep in pace with any evading target but his stamina is that of an elite runner, so it isn’t infinite. He tries to end battles fast with a simple picture, but if a person’s life force is too high, then he’d have to resort to close combat kicking to lower the person’s life force enough to rip the picture. Besides his legs, he has a low physicality and so is very vulnerable to practically all attacks, resorting to dodging to survive everything. When he takes the photo, it takes a minute for it to print out, so he is vulnerable, but the photo becomes lethal as soon as it finishes developing, so destroying it before it finishes is key. He is bad in mob fights, being that his pictures take time to develop.
Devin is 5’8” Asian with lanky black hair that covers his eyes and ears. An inch of his hair ends are dyed red so he looks sort of like a mushroom. He wears baggy clothes, hoodie and jeans, going for comfort over everything. He’s extremely skinny, but is 130 lbs thanks to the muscles on his legs and lower torso, but besides that he’s practically skin and bones, with a little fat and muscle filling him out. He constantly blows hair out of his eyes, which are a dark brown.
He is relax. He wears comfortable clothing, sleeps as long as he wants, doesn’t stress over anything. The only problem he has is that he is hell bent on killing Abra, the genocide magician. He’s talks a little and doesn’t enjoy company. He loves taking pictures of what he treasures and finds beautiful, and is quick to destroy things he finds disdainful.
He regrets that day with every fiber of his being. He should’ve killed Abra when he had the chance, and now that man is killing even more people. He looked at his camera, the camera that could’ve changed everything if he had gotten it sooner. He looked up at his career making photo, the first photo of quality where you could see Abra, the genocide magician, in all his massacring glory. He had reprinted the picture hundreds of times, and had shredded each of them into confetti. It was a routine he drew on, preparing himself for the day where he could take Abra’s picture, and erase him from the world.
He was the ultimate hit man. Devin smiled, holding his weapon as he surveyed his target. It was a simple job requested by a weeping father, his daughter was taken by the gang and sold as a prostitute, and now the man wanted the whole gang six feet under. Devin didn’t like taking such large casualty jobs, but the pay was good so why not? He looked at the gang of twenty men, each owning their own personal fire arm. He began sniping them off, attaching a zoom lens he would take pictures of each member and set the developing photo aside. Once finished he took another and another until he had the pictures of all twenty men. He then slowly began ripping each one personally and watched with relish as each poofed from existence but the members continued talking as if nothing was happening. He was down to 3 men when the picture wouldn’t rip. Peeved he moved on, and the next one didn’t rip. Finally he had luck with the third picture and ripped it. He looked at the two men that had too much life force for him to snuff out, so with a sigh of agitation dropped down from the tree he was spying in and made his way down to them. He walked up to the two and stated plainly, “I have a 1 mil contract to kill you two.”
The two stared at each other and laughed. One remarked, flashing his gun, an Uzi, “I think you have something wrong in the head. Now let me help you get admitted to a hospital instead of into a morgue.” Devin responded with a spinning heel kick that smashed into the man’s jaw. The man fell back and the other man pulled out his gun, Devin slid his light out and flashed it in the man’s eyes. The blinding white light disorientated and forced the man to shield his eyes. Devin once again pulled out the pictures and tried ripping them again. This time the target gave way a little, but still wouldn’t tear. He sighed and lashed out at the man he had kicked. Suddenly the man grabbed his foot and flipped him over. The sudden retaliation surprised Devin as he found himself swallowing a mouthful of dirt. The man wiped his lip of blood and cracked his knuckles, “That was real dumb man, real dumb.” He pulled his Uzi out and pointed it at Devin, “Time to get you a toe tag.” Devin only needed to prop himself up a little and he was in a low running pose, and it allowed him to take off and dodge the bullets. He bounded off the wall and hit the dude with a flying jump kick and sent him flying. The impact sent him flying back, and with an expert twist he landed onto the second man. He felt a crunch as he landed on the man’s arm. He pulled out the man’s picture and tried to rip it again, and it worked. The man poofed from existence and Devin dropped a few inches back onto solid ground. The first man picked himself off the ground, and because his companion had been wiped from existence, asked no questions but instead fired again. Devin ducked the bullets and charged straight into the man, smashing him into, and over a pile of steel I beams. He pulled out the target’s picture and was going to rip it when the man grabbed the bottom half, “What the hell is this?”
“Your death.” Devin answered and with a flick of his wrist, he tore the photo in half with the help of the stupefied man. He disappeared and Devin slid down the I beams. He returned back to the contact. “The job’s done. Now where’s my money?” The man handed the brief case over happily.
When Devin turned to leave, the man grabbed his shoulder, “Oh wait young man. Can you wait a little longer? The cops will be here soon to take you away?”
“Wait what?”
The man chuckled, “You didn’t think that you’d just get to walk away with a million dollars did you? Now I love my daughter but not that much! So we’ll just get you sent to prison for mass murder, and I’ll get my million back. Win win right? Well for me that is.” Pissed, Devin pulled a picture out of his pocket.
“You know, I thought you were a good man, so I didn’t think I’d need this insurance. But who knew that you were such a dick?” He tore the picture into confetti and let the crooked father disappear into oblivion. He picked up his a million dollars and walked away. Next location, Stick Page City. Next target, Abra.
Devin finally reached Stickpage City, and he hastily made his way to the park, where apparently a street magician works. Sure enough, inside the park was Abra, or someone who looked like him, doing simple card tricks. Devin pulled out his camera, it could be him, but it couldn’t, but he shrugged, collateral damage, it’s a risk I’m going to have to take. He brought the Polaroid camera up and took the picture. Perfect, he waited for a minute and when the picture developed he looked at it. There was Abra in all his glory, but a spectator’s head blocked a part of the foot, useless. He ripped up the picture in anger and went with plan B. After the show, Abra made his rounds and collected tips from the audience. Devin dropped in a dollar wrapped in a letter. Once the rounds were made, Abra opened the letter and read, “I know who you are, and if you don’t meet me in the parking garage to the left of you in 30 minutes, I will tell everyone.” Attached to the bottom was a same picture Abra was shown by the hit men from the organization.
“A lead!” Abra was overjoyed, the encrypted files were too much for him to crack so he had given up. He quickly made his way to the garage, climbing up the floors until he reached the top. Standing there was Devin, his camera poised, and as soon as Abra fully came to view, he snapped another picture. Abra threw his hands up to guard the flash, and couldn’t block Devin’s kick. He was beaten onto a column and Devin began spinning, trapping Abra and lashing out at him. With a poof Abra teleported, “So you must be part of the organization. Good to know, I was going nowhere with my original lead.”
“What organization?” Devin flipped, “I’m the news reporter who covered one of your genocides. All those innocent lives you took, you need to face the consenquences.” He dashed forward, Abra manifested a blade and it clashed against Devin’s armored shoes. Abra pushed him back, and threw some cards which Devin had to flip to avoid.
“So you took this picture?” Abra looked at it, and smiled, “Nice job, you got my good side.” He brushed the side of his mask. “So why do you keep trying to take another picture of me?”
Devin opened his mouth, then an idea came to his head. “I just want another picture. That one is all dark and grainy.”
Abra looked at and scratched his chin, “This might attract that organization again… Sure why not.” He opened his arms and let Devin take a picture.
Devin laughed, it was all too easy, “Now we just need to wait a minute for it to develop.” Soon the picture showed and he ripped it. Abra disappeared. Devin laughed he had done it, he killed the genocide magician! A low sweep knocked him down and he fell on his face, cracking the camera. He turned and looked up at Abra, “You should be dead! What was wrong with the picture?”
“Yea I was guessing that was the point of the picture. Made no sense why you’d tear such a beautiful picture up.” Abra took off his mask, showing Devin the portal, “I guess having no face makes me resistant from that magical camera. Now you’re a photographer, you know how this goes. Stare right here, smile, and wait for the flash.” The portal glowed and flames poured out, incinerating the photographer. Abra brushed ashes off his shoes, “Damn I’m back where I began… nowhere.” He shrugged, “Well before I worry about that, I’m going to grab some grub.”
Let me make this clear, Devin does not exist as a WRHG character, he was just an idea that i have just destroyed. He is not my WRHG, Abra is.

05-28-2014, 03:27 AM
I shall say one thing. You battle is too short. If you are planning on having your battle with Vant about the same length, I would commit more time to expanding the fight. So now I shall give the fight itself some critique:

The thing is, the first paragraph was told from the perspective of the photographer, the rest from Abra (kinda). It would probably be better to stick to one person's point of view, regardless of the fact that both people are your characters. Just remember this as well for your fight with Vant. Rather write out of Abra's perspective instead of switching between the two people.

Next thing is that between paragraphs it is better to double tap the "Enter" key in order to make a difference between your paragraphs that there isn't any confusion and then there isn't a whole wall of text. Also there wasn't a lot of description of the surroundings. I imagined a park of my own device. I imagined some random street performing magician with a pointy hat and long robes. I imagined the photographer as a man wearing a trench coat with his camera slung around his neck. Always remember that the "battle" is a stand alone thing. You cannot expect everyone to have read the "appearance" column of every character, thus I had no idea what anyone looked like. I even imagined Abra's mask to look like one of those masks from Bleach.

Lastly, try just making things a little neater and maybe just check if everything works the way you write it. Say your sentences out loud to yourself, or read your story to someone. It helps you hear if the story sounds good. And good luck.

Would be cool to see what happens here.

05-29-2014, 09:28 PM
Oh dear... never thought of that part. Man my battles need a lot of revisions then lmfao. Thanks Gentleman