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Aquila
06-01-2014, 10:19 AM
Welcome back folks to the third battle of Abra the genocide magician. His challenger is the Manipulator of Gravity, Matthew Gray. This is Matthew's debut fight and we wish him luck. Abra has the ability to summon anything pertaining to the circus, as in characters or props, and he has the ability to use playing cards as deadly projectiles or as a building block to create blades. Matthew has three simple commands, "push" which allows him to negate any supernatural or mystical attack. "pull" which allows him to obliterate his opponents through smashing them into the ground and turning them into mince meat, and "nothing" which allows him to negate gravity itself and allow objects to float. He also has the ability to create black holes that consume everything within its reach except for Matthew himself. He has two wrist blades and two katanas for close combat, and wears nearly indestructible armor. Let the show begin and the best writer win!

It was a rainy afternoon in New York. The streets were flooded with cars and the cafés were full with customers, seeking for a cup of hot coffee and free warmth from the café's heaters. One café was closed for reparis since the last battle that was held there had done considerable damage. At the front of the café, there's a circus, a circus of dark history. Hosting the circus was a magician, one with a history stained with the blood of many innocent people. People were standing outside the circus, not knowing about the monster around them, holding their umbrella, watching a magic show from the magician, Abra.

The magician was tall, with short, smooth, black hair. He was wearing a top hat, pure white suit with a red tie, stark white gloves and shoes, and a smiling mask. He was performing a magic card show. He took a deck of card and told one kid to pick one of the cards. The kid chose the Joker card and concealed it in his pocket. The magician later threw the deck of cards away, he waved his hand in the air, and took a Joker card out of thin air. The kid checked his pocket and surprisingly, the Joker card was gone. Everybody clapped their hands, chattering, flattering, and threw a few quarters for the magician. The magician was delighted, he bowed, took off his top hat “Abra”, spun it “Kadabra,” and put it back “Alakazam.”

Then the rain stopped, Abra’s cards tingled as a sign of warning, and Abra had a bad feeling. In a distance, there was a figure and it was moving towards Abra. The figure was metallic green and purple black. It has a pair of wrist blade and two katanas at his back, and it was wearing Master Chief’s Mjolnir armor made out of Vibranium. The figure was moving fast, and it was coming at him. Abra looked closely, and smiled metaphorically through his mask “Another challenger…”

Within a flash of light, the ‘figure’ was standing in front of Abra. Abra bowed and asked, “Who are you, may I asked?” with an interesting glare.

“I’m Matthew Gray, the Manipulator of Gravity. I’m here to defeat you.” said Matthew.

Abra gestured and walks around Matthew, “Interesting. Are you sent by the bunch of guys who hunts me?”

Matthew answered, “No. Just a guy who wants to challenge himself.”

Abra chuckles, “Shall we begin?”. Matthew nodded. “Showtime!” Abra shouted. Matthew drew both his katana and steady his breathing. Abra grabbed a deck of cards, “Don’t lose your head.”

Matthew ran and started slashing at Abra’s direction. Abra jumped and dodged the attack, he threw his cards at Matthew who was moving very fast, the cards struck nothing but the street, each missing its mark. They were fighting like Batman vs The Joker. The park was calm by the swiftness and fluidity of Matthew’s movements. Out of Abra’s surprise, Matthew charged and aimed for Abra’s heart with speed so fast Abra teleported with shock of the consequences of the attack. But, Matthew was faster than teleporters, he calculated the angle, direction and trajectory of Abra’s possible route and slashed an ‘X’ at Abra’s chest, Abra gasps a deep breath from the pain. He teleported again and the results were same, this time, he got his back slashed a ‘T’. Abra tilted his head and look at his wound, “You’re not like the others. You’re stronger, I like it!” and Abra started summoning fire breathers and knife throwers. They attacked Matthew simultaneously with a storm of flames and knives. Knives of different type ranging from butcher knives to daggers glinted in the air as it soars towards Matthew like a cyclone. But Matthew dodged the attack with his lightning reflexes. Then, the fire breather blew a void of swirling fire. Matthew ran towards their direction, dodging the fire demon, slid between them and stabbed the dynamic duo. Abra saw with astonishment as both of them fall on the ground, he suck them back to the portal in his face and he summoned a strong man, made purely of muscles, strength, and a horrible breath. The strong man charges towards Matthew like a boogey bear and hoisted him up into the air, he tries to crush Matthew with a bear hug. Abra took advantage of Matthew’s disadvantage and spawned a clown and a grenade juggler. They plunge at Matthew like the Three Stooges and knocked Matthew to the ground. Abra leaped on Matthew chest, “You’re weak…Perhaps I don’t need to kill you myself.” He tapped his shadow and conjured a creature from the magician’s shadow, Marionette. The monster had four arms, and in each hand was a cross that had strings hanging from the ends. The face was adorned with a long nosed, bone white mask.

Matthew knew the threat of Marionette’s strings from the testimony of many bounty hunters across the world, he doesn’t want to lose a limb, according to his power, he could kill the monster. So within a blink of an eye, Matthew stab his sword into deep into the monster’s mask and slide it open, as the mask broke along with the body, Marionette vaporized. Abra was shocked and amazed by the ‘first-time’ defeat of Marionette no one has done before, “How?” he asks.

“That was just warm up. But you’re playing this game quite seriously huh? I’ll play serious.” Matthew answered. He grabbed Abra’s suit at the chest and threw him at the ground. Abra stand on his ground and grabbed another deck of card. Matthew stood up and placed his katana back to his sheath at his back.

With anger Abra raged. He threw his cards at Matthew from all direction by teleporting again and again. But Matthew anticipated that move and waved his hand downwards, with unity all the cards were on the ground, trapped under Matthew’s gravity ‘pull’ field. Abra was now angrier than usual, he stayed out of the ‘pull’ zone and ordered the clown, strong man, and the grenade juggler to charge at Matthew. As the Three Stooges were aiming for Matthew, he shuts the gravity field around him and it was back to normal, enabling a better fight against them. The strong man builds up momentum as he charges towards Matthew with the force of a uncontrolled train, Matthew acted quickly and imagines that the strong man is flying, and with that, the strong man started levitating to the skies. At a certain height however, Matthew waved his hand downward and the strong man begins heading down towards the ground like a meteorite and turned into minced of meat at impact. The grenade juggler started unpinning his grenades and threw them at Matthew’s direction, the grenades were like frenzies of firework that were preparing to illuminate its master’s wish. Matthew took the chance of using the grenade. He imagines that the grenade’s weight was being focused towards its master’s weight, the grenades obeyed Matthew’s command and did a U-turn towards the Grenade Juggler’s direction, the Juggler shed a black tear drop and did a last frown before he was blown to pieces.

Matthew pointed at the final clown, “You’re next.” But, without Matthew’s effort, the clown went and committed suicide.

Abra’s nerves are now going wildly. His hands clench tight, his anger growing, his mind losing its conscience. Abra roared like a lion and took his mask off and spawned an entire circus troupe. Even his elephant, Funkfreed joined the fight. The dancers, animals, acrobats, daredevil, jugglers, strong mans, and clowns, all equipped with long range, Mid-range and melee weapons. Matthew was thrilled by the desperation of the magician. After that, the fight was mayhem.

Matthew waded through the bunch of clowns and performance, ploughing down anyone who stood in his way. The jugglers and strong man-pride of Abra, well trained, highly dangerous killing machine-fell apart under the assault and the sheer novelty of being on the side whose ass is getting kicked real hard. Most of Abra’s concern was Matthew, the first of all who challenged him and still live after the assault of his best trained. Matthew fought like the wind, whirling through the performers in a completely unorthodox style, rolling under their feet, slashing with his katana instead of stabbing like a four year old would, whacking trained animals with the flat of his katana and generally causing mass panic on Funkfreed the elephant. Abra screamed with a shrill voice-maybe ordering his circus team to stand their ground, maybe trying to sing soprano-but Matthew put a stop to it. Matthew formed a fist with his left hand while forming a exposed palm on his right hand, he slammed the open palm vertically on his left hand fist and all of the performers were turned to minced meat caused by the extreme ‘hammering’ of gravity harnessed by Matthew months ago. He somersaulted and slammed the butt of his katana onto Abra’s mask. The magician is now tempered, he took a quick deep breath and roared fire from the portal of him mask. It was done surprisingly within milliseconds. Matthew who does not anticipated that dangerous move backed off quickly, clenched both of his hands together, ‘pull’ his feet steadily on the ground and meditated. He imagines a black hole diameter of one and a half meter in front of him and a black hole was formed, swirling with purple aura and a black void of emptiness, it sucked the blazing fire into complete darkness and puffed with white smokes as if it was saying “Scrumptious!”. Matthew unclenches his hand and the Black Hole vanished. Abra who is staring at Matthew is now desperate to win this battle, the negative thought of losing begin to haunt the mind of the magician. He bowed, “Now you will witness my true strength!” and injected himself with Morphine IV.

Abra took his mask off and his bone white suit turned rosey red, his black top hat, gloves, and shoes turned sinister black and his pain receptors are now numb. Matthew looked, “Morphine state…”
“Now I’ll play real serious!” Abra shouted.

Abra took his cards out and turned them into a sword, “I’ll fight melee now!”

Matthew draws his wrist blades, “So be it…”

Both of them charges towards each other with velocity and clashed. Abra feinted and slashed at Matthew’s gut with his new strength and it sank into the flesh of the ‘immortal’ human. Matthew knows no pain and he does not bleed so he closes the gap of the wound with his power and continue slashing. Matthew thrusts his wrist blades at Abra but he dodged and paired with Matthew’s movements. Abra continue loses his self and continues fighting. Although fast, but not fast enough, Matthew saw a chance as Abra wield his sword up high, exposing the vulnerable body and he sank his horrifying 8 inch deep wrist blades into Abra’s torso. But Abra did not stop, he slashed and dodged again yet again. After 10 minutes of slashing, stabbing, and dodging, Abra’s attack begins to form a fast repeated movement. He repeats the same movement in order that has been known to be random because of the different angles and trajectory Abra attacks and Matthew began countering every attack Abra make. Matthew slashes and stabs on Abra’s flesh that is beginning to reap slowly, causing more fatal wounds to be casted upon him. When Abra tries to stab Matthew for the last time with full strength, Matthew imagine the gaps of the cards being ‘push’ and Abra’s sword dismantled into shredded paper. The time went slow motion as the sword dismantles. Matthew who is still moving normally throws his sword in midair and grabbed it back upside down, he cuts the veins on Abra’s wrist and the back of his legs and Abra was crippled. The Morphine begins to fade its effect and Abra was back to his original look.

Matthew looked at the defeated Abra, “You lose.” And with that horrible fact, Abra fainted. The next day, Abra woke up at Stickpage Hospital.

Where were they? Where could such an organization be hiding? Abra typed rapidly on his computer. The screen lighting up the dim room with its bluish glow. He needed information, a lead, something! He clicked on a news report on Bing, and read about the explosion of the Large Hadron Collider in Germany. “This was weeks ago, what could possibly… Hey.” He read the story again, and again, and again, there was no mention of the scientist. There were gaps where the name should have been but was deleted, making the story sound funny. He began searching through Google to find the story and kept running into the same censorship. Finally he found a website sited in Germany, and it was testimonies of the fire rescuers. His German was rusty so he couldn’t follow most but an English name popped out at him, Matthew Gray. He went back to Google and typed the name in. He smiled, “Found him.”

Matthew living in Stickpage City at the time and he had set up shop in a nice comfortable house, paid out of American government’s own dime. One of his numerous computers that were nailed in the study rang off, signaling a breach. Matthew moved quickly even though he was cladded with in his Mjolnir armor. It had soft black plating at joints to allow for easier bending and mobility, but the armor in all was a rock hard fortress. He opened the file and looked at the IP address that had found his real name. “Abra… Why does he sound familiar?” He went on to another nearby computer and hacked into the WRHG database, he founded Abra’s file and opened it, “Abra the genocide magician. He seems pretty powerful, why is he looking me up though?” Matthew searched deeper into Abra’s history and uncovered the bounty. He whistled, “4 mil, commissioned by, Viper… Okay let’s see, hmmm they’re a hit man organization. Hey they have a shell company. Wait what the hell! That’s the company who funded the Large Hadron Collider in Germany!” Matthew stretched, “Well I don’t blame him for searching me up then. Well lets see how far he’s gotten.” Matthew hacked into Abra’s computer and turned on the video camera. “What a weird mask, and he’s so white!” Matthew observed Abra’s shield-shaped smiling mask and the pure white suit he was wearing, they even included gloves.

Abra’s search was hopeless, he was too easily derailed from his search, Matthew watched with rib hurting enjoyment as Abra would search for more information then get dragged away, “Okay so let’s see this business was started at… Oh puppies! Oh they’re so cute!”

Matthew face palmed, how does this dude have a 4 mil bounty? Matthew turned on his messaging system and sent a PM to Abra, “Heard you were looking for me.”

Abra typed back, “Yes hello, who is this?”

“This is Matthew Gray.”

“Oh I really need to talk to you, face to face though. But first look at this.” Abra sent pictures of puppies, “Aren’t they adorable?”
Matthew sighed, “Meet me at the park.”

Abra made his way to the park and saw a figure in the distance, the figure was cladded in armor, seem to have seen Abra, and turned and walked away. Abra followed the figure in a hurry, not wanting to miss his chance and soon he was led to a secluded parking lot. “So what do you know about this organization?”

“Enough to know where you can find them.”

“So are you going to tell me? Or,” Abra pulled out his deck, “Am I going to have to beat it out of you?”

Matthew laughed, “Okay to sweeten the pot I’ll give you a hint, their name is Viper, if you want to know more, then let’s see what you got.” Matthew’s wrist blades unsheathed themselves.

“I’m going to kill you slowly,” Abra manifested two blades and summoned Stefan, “and I’m going to have you tell me everything.” He charged and Stefan followed close behind. Matthew lunged out with his claw and Abra ducked underneath and rushed forward. Matthew brought his elbow down and smashed Abra in the face and he quickly parried Stefan’s scimitar with his other hand. Abra went for a low sweep, but had to roll out of the way as Matthew stabbed down. Stefan intervened and he dueled with Matthew, his scimitar’s broad blade able to easily block Matthew’s thrusts. Abra quickly got up and attacked Matthew’s unprotected side. Matthew sheathed his two wrist blades and drew his katanas out, and quickly overwhelmed the two fighters. Stefan charged once again but Matthew dispatched him quickly with a katana to the face and a sweep through the guts.

Stefan puffed into smoke and returned to Abra who broke down his swords back into cards and shot them at Matthew. Matthew used “push” and squashed the cards to the floor and he charged at Abra. Abra was only able to manifest one blade before they clashed and he was pressured heavily by the fast and heavy swings Matthew dealt. He teleported to the other side of the parking lot and summoned Xerxes and Artemis. The two armored felines charged at Matthew in a pincer formation. Matthew pointed his hands at each of them and used “pull” to mince the two cats, but cats are more aware of danger than humans and were able to dodge the dangerous gravity fields. They bounced upon Matthew, knocking him over and his katanas fell from his hands. They scratched and bit down, but the Vibranium was too tough. Matthew unsheathed his wrist blades and swiped at the two cats but their armor repelled the attempts. Finally Xerxes and Artemis where able to gain purchase on the weaker protected joints of the armor and they bit down. The joints, though flexible, were still made of very tough materials, but lions have a biting force of 600 psi(pounds per square inch) and tigers have a force of 1050. Their teeth slowly cut through and bit into his sides. He grunted in pain and redoubled his attempts to pierce through the cats’ armor but to no avail. Matthew breathed slowly, he had to concentrate. He began meditating and became enveloped within a black hole. Xerxes and Artemis were destroyed but Matthew just floated within, staying in and healing his wounds.

He walked out and shut the black hole behind him. Abra stared at him in disbelief, “Okay that’s just not fair.” He manifested two blades and teleported forward, he kicked the katanas to the side and charged at Matthew. Matthew took a stance much familiar to boxing, his two hands in front of his face. Matthew charged forward and jabbed, his wrist blades giving him more reach. Abra brought his blade up to block but it slid through the gap and he felt the blades dig into his chest. He pushed his blade to the side, dragging Matthew’s wrist blades across his skin and once they were no longer in his way, he dove forward and tackled Matthew. He got up, kneeling on Matthew’s arms and he lifted one of his swords in two hands, “Okay let’s see how durable your visor is.” He stabbed down, and the blade shrieked off the armored glass. He continued to stab down at the glass and soon a crack started to form. Abra dropped the blade and began beating away at the crack with his fists.

Suddenly he felt his left arm get sucked into a vacuum and he turned to see a black hole devouring his arm. He quickly teleported away, but the black hole had already ripped his arm off. He stood but soon collapsed, the pain and blood loss was too much. He took his mask off and reached in for a syringe. He injected the morphine into his shoulder and felt the painkiller pump through his veins. He belched out a fire ball and let it scorch his wounded shoulder, sealing away the wound in a scab. Matthew stood up and grabbed his two katanas. Abra manifested a sword, but it was broader than his usual one, and shorter too. It was a buster blade and it made up for speed with its defense and strength. He teleported and spun. Matthew blocked the swing with both of his blades but he was pushed back. The two began hammering away at each other, but Abra began losing. His swings weren’t strong enough to pierce the armor plates and he wasn’t accurate enough to aim for the weaker joints. Matthew began taking advantage of his speed to deal multiple simple wounds to Abra.

Abra backed off and added more cards to his blade, but instead of making it longer or thicker, instead he added a funny spine to the blade, like it was a dragon, but instead of triangles spikes, they were rectangular. He charged back at Matthew, and when Matthew slashed, Abra caught the two blades inbetween the spines, and then with a powerful flick, he snapped the blades in half. He went in for a stab but Matthew caught the blade with both of his hands and extended his wrist blades. The claws dug into Abra’s arm but he didn’t let go. Abra looked straight at Matthew and stated, “Hey.” When Matthew looked up, Abra summoned the light from a flood light and blinded him.

As he was blinded he heard a swish then a metal shrieking clash. It was followed by excrutiating pain on his wrists. Finally he was able to see he found out that his hands had been cut off by Sebastian who was carrying a giant battle axe. Matthew regenerated his hands and attacked Abra, but Abra was ready for him. He pulled out a rope of ribbons from his portal and began tying Matthew up, and soon he had him bound. He then encased him into a magical which he filled with water. He gave the box to Sebastian who began shaking it. He created a massive cannon and then he summoned Funkfreed. He fit the elephant into the cannon and aimed it into the air.

Matthew couldn't concentrate, he was losing to a puppy loving fool! The constant jiggling also wasn't helping his mood. He couldn't “pull” or “push” because he was too disorientated, suddenly he heard a voice. “What do you think will happen if a 7 ton weight shot out of a cannon?” Matthew paused, what type of stupid question was that? The question infuriated him more, knowing how stupid his opponent he was losing to was. Abra stood outside listening, and when he couldn't hear anything, he lit the fuse with a shrug. The cannon fired Funkfreed into the air, and the 7 ton elephant landed squarely onto the magical box. He pancaked Sebastian, and flattened the box and its contents. Abra collapsed as the morphine wore off. He woke up and looked at the magical box treat, containing Matthew Gray filling. He sighed, “Goddammit! What the hell am I supposed to do now?” Suddenly a searing pain made him remember the absence of his left arm, “I should get this fixed.” He stood up and began strolling away. He picked his mask up from the ground, “Abra,” spun it, “Kadabra,” and placed it on, “Alakazam,” he smiled.

Chai Matthew's WRHG: http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?84987-Matthew-Gray-The-Manipulator-of-Gravity

Matthew Murphy
06-01-2014, 08:22 PM
Wow. I'm losing here...

Aquila
06-01-2014, 08:23 PM
It's the first day, I'm actually quite surprised as well. But give it time, i'm sure we'll be tied soon.

Matthew Murphy
06-01-2014, 08:57 PM
Why don't you call the clan to vote too? Let the Crazy Flush vote between Joker and Ace.

Aquila
06-01-2014, 09:13 PM
Hahaha great idea

Xate
06-01-2014, 09:14 PM
Hahaha great idea
That'd be unfair, yo.

Aquila
06-01-2014, 09:15 PM
Well... They don't have to vote for us, they have the liberty to vote for the enemy. They should just vote though.

Matthew Murphy
06-01-2014, 09:32 PM
Aww! I'm really losing here... Maybe I shouldn't have battle him this time.

SaulMurphy
06-03-2014, 09:34 AM
Thats the plan! Am I genius?

Genius would be pushing it... However it is fine for clans to vote, even if they tend to sometimes on rare occasions, tend to be biased.

Crank
06-05-2014, 09:11 AM
As a rule of thumb my posts contain spoilers.


I've got to give this one to Matthew Gray.

Both of you had some grammar mistakes here and there (I make them too, so don't feel too bad) but there was also a general lack of emotions from both fighters in both fights. Sure, there were times that they did get mad, but other than that they were practically robotic. I understand if you want a stoic character, but if you want to show that, you can show it with contrast. Additionally, the very end of both of your stories took away from them to me.

Matthew looked at the defeated Abra, “You lose.” And with that horrible fact, Abra fainted. The next day, Abra woke up at Stickpage Hospital.

After the entire war that was fought, after slicing his wrists and back of his legs, all that happens to Abra is that he wakes up at the hospital. So, essentially nothing. If you don't want to kill off someone else's guy, that's fine but don't undo everything you just did.

Matthew looked at the defeated Abra, blood gushing from the magician's countless wounds.

“You lose.”

The haunting words fell on deaf ears, the summoner's quaking body was barely getting the blood it needed, pumping most off into the street beside. Void of pain as numbness over took him, Abra finally lost conciseness as Matthew crossed his arms. He wasn't the God he was led to believe, he was just as kill able as any other man. There was no reason to bring his blade down one last time. Sheathing his weapons, a faint siren registered in the distance, growing progressively louder as the moments passed. Maybe they could get to him in time. Turning his back, Matthew only looked back once as he walked away. Maybe...

With this, it ends more on the note of Matthew definitively won than Abra's okay while still implying he can survive. Do you watch UFC? Well it's fighting for real, so faces get bloodied, swollen, bruised, basically the entire works. If two guys go to war for three rounds, the victory's going to look a little more deserved or hard fought if either party is really battered, rather than just waking up in a bed.

Similarly, 6Asmo6deus6 also ended with nothing mattering in the end. The entire motive for the fight was to get the information Matthew had. The fight ended with the for sure death of Matthew. Alright, fine, if you're in a state where your mind isn't clear you might accidentally kill your target, I understand that, but you'd probably be fired up about it.

He woke up and looked at the magical box treat, containing Matthew Gray filling. He sighed, “Goddammit! What the hell am I supposed to do now?” Suddenly a searing pain made him remember the absence of his left arm, “I should get this fixed.” He stood up and began strolling away. He picked his mask up from the ground, “Abra,” spun it, “Kadabra,” and placed it on, “Alakazam,” he smiled.

For starters, I'm going to be mildly offended if people keep sending assassin to murder me. Like that would bother me as a person, so I'd jump on the chance for that to end. When I blow said chance though, I'm going to be especially fired up. Here's why:

This isn't just like you never had the chance. This is you specifically failed and you might not get this chance again at all.

He woke up and looked at the magical box treat, containing Matthew Gray filling. Sudden rage pulsed through his body, looking to the sky as he roared, “Goddammit! What the hell am I supposed to do now?” A sudden searing pair reminded him of an arm's absence, but he slammed his other into the wall before even looking at it. Breathing heavily as he flexed his aching knuckles he could hardly think.

Someone had to die today. It didn't matter who, he just needed to send someone to Hell for this.

That being said, I think you both did a very good job and look forward to seeing more from you in the future!

Aquila
06-05-2014, 03:15 PM
... That sounds so cool

Matthew Murphy
06-07-2014, 10:59 PM
I'm still losing...

acutelatios
06-08-2014, 08:14 AM
Alright Chai, you asked me to do this and I'm sorry for being late with it but here's my CnC~

For both of ye (I'll add Asus' later since my mind really isn't working at the moment)~
o w o




In all honesty you did pretty well for your first fight. Though a big thing that I noticed that it seems a little bit one-sided with the lack of hits that you got and how quickly you got everyone down, but I guess that goes with time and your improvement with storytelling. It was still entertaining though, but curb-stomp fights isn't my cup of tea.

Anyways here are some nitpicks that I suggest you should work on~!
o w o

Things to improve on~!
-Word variation-
Or in it's essence; repetition. Throughout the story there are a a few instances where you repeated words you used in the same sentences. While that isn't a bad thing, it's best to avoid doing so since it sounds a little repetitive and doesn't sound good when you get to it. The only exception to that is if it's how your character speak then there really isn't a big deal about it. But with everything else, it's a definite don't.

Usually I would give you the advice of using the thesaurus to counter the problem, but it doesn't really help honestly. If anything, it really just makes your sentences sound really weird so just use it when you really need it, not when you just need to replace a repeated word. Instead I suggest rewording the sentence until it sounds right to you.

For Example:

The streets were flooded with cars and the cafés were full with customers, seeking for a cup of hot coffee and free warmth from the café's heaters.

The streets were flooded with cars, while cafes were full of customers seeking a cup of hot coffee and a roof over their heads to keep them dry as they all waited for the storm to pass.
That's just an example but I hope you see what I mean~!




-Show and not tell-
This is something that'll gradually get better once you practice, read and write a lot. To show and not tell is simply the way of not just bluntly stating everything immediately. This is a big thing to avoid when writing scenes, describing people and items, or introducing characters as it really makes the story a bit bland and a little less interesting. At least in my opinion.

Try to describe it instead of upright saying things, like who Abra was. The part about his history was fine, but not mentioning his name until Matthew came into the picture would've been much more interesting; it would've given a bit of mystery around him but I guess it's more based on what kind of writing perspective you're writing on.

For Example:

It has a pair of wrist blade and two katanas at his back, and it was wearing Master Chief’s Mjolnir armor made out of Vibranium.
For this, try to avoid directly referencing the character it's from or say what the armour is made of exactly. I mean you can, but some readers might not understand what you meant and it would take them out from the story, which is not something you really want when you want to immerse them into the story.




-Spacing-
You did well in this section, for the most part at least. Most of the story was well-spaced out, though the only problem was that the whole fighting scene was clumped together in big paragraphs. Especially for the fighting sequence; this is something that most writers need to keep in mind of not to do since it's easy to lose a reader in the battle.

Try to space out the battling part of your story a bit more, break them into smaller paragraphs as best you can. Of course not too small as well.

Also, usually you put dialogue in their own separate paragraphs for each thing that a character said to avoid more confusion. It makes everything much cleaner and much more pleasing to the eyes to read.




-Description-
Well I do admit that some of the things you wrote were pretty good, most of it were a little lacking. Though that's mostly regarding to the battle scene. The whole thing was rather, iffy. Mostly because I got really confused with the positions of everything and how the characters got from point A to point B.

It was sort of needing a little more description of each characters' movements and such since it seemed to be just jumping around all over the place really, just a straight forward fight of actions and reactions. Though I guess that was more of Crank's point with not much of emotion put into the battle.

Anyways, to avoid the description problem try reading over your work and imagine how the scene looked in your head.

Also, something added to this section is mostly your descriptions of characters. Nothing wrong with it really, but try to avoid overly describing the detail of how someone looked. I've done it as well in the past, so it's fine if you don't have it down; it'll get better as you go along anyway, you just need a lot of practice. Just try to avoid saying exactly what they look like, instead try to mention the more prominent part of what their appearance; a part that you want the readers to keep in mind.

That also goes for describing the surroundings and such.




-Pop-culture References-
Nothing really wrong with it to be honest, since you only did it twice in the story. Well thrice if you include your character's armour. I guess it's more of a warning for you, really.

Main point is to try to avoid using them in stories, unless it's related to your character; like if they use or are familiar with those kinds of references. If anything they fall flat a little in the story. That's just me though.

I mean, I myself use references like these in my story as well, but I usually use it when my characters' speaking or when I'm writing in a first-person POV (point-of-view) since it makes more sense as it's their knowledge and it's them that relates it to a certain reference. Though if you're writing on a third-person POV it's not really that effective and it doesn't really make sense.




-Tenses-
This is something that I know writers struggle with from time to time, so don't worry of being the only one. Tenses are a bit of a constant struggle and you can't really do much about it to be honest. Well besides a few main things like making sure you only keep to using one tense throughout your story (be it past tense or present tense) and read over your work to see if you slipped up.

For Example:

“Now I’ll play real serious!” Abra shouted.

Abra took his cards out and turned them into a sword, “I’ll fight melee now!”

Matthew draws his wrist blades, “So be it…”

Both of them charges towards each other with velocity and clashed.

“Now I’ll play real serious!” Abra shouted.

Abra took his cards out and turned them into a sword, “I’ll fight melee now!”

Matthew drew his wrist blades, “So be it…”

Both of them charged towards each other with velocity and clashed.




Anyways, those are the main points I noticed throughout your battle. You don't really need to accept any of them if you don't want to, but hopefully they might help you to understand what you did wrong and what to improve for next time~!
^ w ^

Coming soon...hopefully...

Crank
06-08-2014, 02:29 PM
I'm still losing...

Aaand now I'm pissed.

Everyone loses sometimes, it's nothing to beat yourself up about. Sometimes we do our best and fall short, but we learn, improve and do better next time.

And honestly, if you're going to go ahead and pretty much say "Hey, pity me!" in a competition, you're taking a pretty big shot at someone else's right to be proud.

Four people voted for you to win in a poll totaling 9. That's 44% of the popular vote. And I mentioned that 9 people voted, right? I've personally been in multiple battles where that number was less than five. Total. People supported you and you should be proud of that, you fought hard and you were one away from a tie. It was close.

Just the same, 6Asmo6deus6 should be proud of his story, how hard he fought and for taking the victory. What do you think that last second "I'm still losing..." is going to do to him when he reads it? It's going to be a sucker punch to his gut and he's going to be feeling bad when he should be feeling good.

Straight up, as long as you're pitying yourself I sincerely hope you're the only one. If you're not happy with the result of something that doesn't mean you should make sure the other person isn't either. In fact, here's who you were up against:


Bravo to Vant Raslan and MicVeir4 they have won their debut fifght, beating me and Abra.

Someone who's actually gracious in defeat. Don't rob him of his feeling of victory, it's pitiful.

You're welcome for the CnC by the way, I full blown expect you to thank acute for hers before posting another "I lost, feel sad for me" comment.

And congratulations 6Asmo6deus6! Very well fought!

Aquila
06-08-2014, 07:24 PM
4:5... Just imagine lol, one more day added and I prob have lost XD. Great battle Matthew, you should battle more.

Williams1234567
02-27-2015, 10:14 AM
no animation just word

GuardianTempest
02-27-2015, 10:17 AM
no animation just wordNotice: This is a wRHG battle, it's intentionally written as it's about writers, not animators. Also, this topic's like...eons old.